soojung never lives life in the slow lane. she always dances through life far too quick for anyone to follow - not even the ones who are closest to her. she always finds herself overtaking people left and right. however, as fast as she may travel through life, she still remembers cinematic stills flashing through the back of her mind about a childhood she couldn’t quite shake off. 

the life of violence is not one that should be introduced to a child, especially children who would imitate the environment they live in. children are supposed to be protected, their innocence should be preserved until they are ready to explore things on their own and wander off. in the case of jung soojung (as well as her siblings jung sooyeon and jung jinsol), lee taemin, and kim jongin, the sound of gunshots and the screeching of cars on asphalt is something they’re used to on the daily. 

they were always together; soojung, taemin, and jongin. one is never without the other two. they are all born into the same mafia that led korean politicians to their knees in the golden days of violence. 

taemin’s forefathers had founded the mafia, and as per the law of nepotism and pseudo-royalties, taemin has to become the leader one day once he’s ready. 

one of jongin’s ancestors is also present during the founding of the mafia as the right-hand. his father (the current right-hand) wants jongin to replace him, but jongin knows he’s too good an assassin. begrudgingly, his father relents and stops forcing the role of the right-hand to his son for when he steps down. 

soojung on the other hand, is relatively a newcomer. none of her ancestors had been around during the founding, her great-grandmother had been late to the party, but she rose high up in ranks anyway (she’s the greatest assassin their mafia has ever seen) that the jung family is considered one of the more important families. 

as children, they often wander in the headquarters, looking at the weaponry and the garage filled with luxury street-racing cars that the drivers would often use during drag races to keep a steady flow of cash into the deep pockets of their illegal organization. she remembers how young they are, twelve-year-olds to be exact, and sitting by the floor of the garage pointing at whichever car they want.

years later from that very vivid and haunting memory, soojung gets the car she wants. it’s not the same car she had pointed to when she’s twelve, but it’s a better version, one that has the least enhancements out of all the race cars but has won the most races. 

\

jongin is the first one to lose innocence. she remembers watching him in the training room with endless weapons and a body slick with sweat from all the martial arts training given to him. there is also a time when he’s inside the lab, studying which poison would kill quicker than the rest. 

it's absurd to think that this is all normal for them. that losing an innocence they never quite had in the first place is not as big of a deal as it should be. but she supposes that’s the reality they live in now, and to turn back would mean that they are to become a traitor to their own family. soojung is used to bloodshed, but not of blood spilling in the form of treason to one’s own family. 

soojung feels all the more pity for jongin. he used to be a small boy with light in his eyes, and now it’s all replaced with violence and bloodlust. 

\

by the time soojung had turned sixteen, she is out on the streets racing in her pristine matte black race car that she once coveted as a child. taemin’s father would send her to the drag races in the darkest corner of seoul, the kind of corners where sixteen-year-olds should never wander. 

but soojung is not just any normal sixteen-year-old, nor is she any normal girl. she carries the weight of their organization’s name as soon as she pulls up into the starting line. most of the time, soojung finishes victoriously. she supposes it’s her need to escape that fuels her during these races. the cars behind her, they are all symbols of a life she wishes to leave behind. 

\

taemin is the last to become exposed to the actual world of illegalities. soojung and jongin have already been in the field for years, long before taemin actually got to become a right hand. they are already twenty four at this point, old with the weariness of trusting people, and wrinkled with grief and lust for escape. 

soon enough, taemin stops talking to her and jongin. he spends most of his time in the leader’s office in the hq, poring over what his father wants him to take control of for when his father dies. if not in that office, they couldn’t find him. 

soojung supposes it’s because the responsibility given to taemin is much heavier than the burden placed on her and jongin’s shoulders - he couldn’t this up, or else it will be over for all of them. try as she might to not entertain the thought further, she realizes it’s the truth: the fate of their activities will rest in taemin’s hands soon enough. 

the implication of taemin becoming their superior and the possibility of him not acknowledging his friendship with her and jongin cuts a knife deep into her chest. she thinks it’s unfair that he leaves her and jongin in the dust, that he leaves her in the dust. 

at the back of her mind, the last words she ever said to him before they stop talking are echoing. 

taemin-ah, i love you. 

\

her heart pounds loudly against her chest. she doesn’t know if it’s because of the debriefing that taemin is going to do to her and jongin. they sit on the chairs facing each other in the currently empty office previously owned by taemin’s father. there is an aura of superiority exuding from the very table they are sitting in front of and it’s easy to imagine taemin’s father doing the debriefing. however, all that it remains of is just that: an imagination. 

at twenty six, taemin is officially the leader of their mafia after his father died through an assassination three months ago. up until now, no one knows who killed their previous leader, all they know is that it could have been from a rival mafia that’s slowly emerging from the shadows. 

her thoughts vanish off into thin air the moment taemin closes the door. he looks deadly and pristine, delicate and poisonous at the same time. the last time they ever talked properly is when she told him she loves him. now, their conversations are just limited to taemin asking soojung about missions - other than that? there’s nothing. radio silence, if you must. the thought of a history between the two of them is far too unbearable for soojung to think of at the moment, so she looks away - escapes. 

jongin and her share a look before they give taemin all their undivided attention. this is a high-profile mission, and soojung knows that it’s important seeing as taemin called this meeting in the dead of the night. she remembers jongin asking her to pick him up in his apartment just a few blocks away from hers as soon as they receive the text that taemin needs them.

taemin clears his throat and that’s when soojung switches off everything that screams empathy in her system in order to listen to him. 

“your mission for today is that you’re going to kill the leader of the reds,” point blank. like it’s no big deal at all. almost like it’s just a card he throws at them and expects them to keep right away. 

she hears jongin inhale. 

“taemin-ah,” she begins, dropping the honorifics and bringing back the fact that they were all friends at some point. “we can’t kill the leader of the reds without purpose.”

taemin glares at her and it takes all of her willpower not to stand up and go up against him. the reds, as much of a rival mafia as they may be, has never really crossed their mafia before. what brought this on is probably a personal thing that taemin had never told them before, and soojung is tired of taemin sending her and jongin mission after mission despite knowing the emotional damage he’s doing to both of his previous best friends. 

“why did you drop the honorifics, soojung?” there’s authority in his voice, and she recognizes this too well. she’s no equal, she’s a peasant almost, someone he asks to carry out doing his deeds. 

“because we're the same age, taemin. ” the last part is poisonous, laced with hatred and sadness for the years lost between the three of them. “now, i repeat myself, we can’t kill the leader of the reds unless they’ve done something horrible to us. you’ve seen us into every mission, annihilating new people almost every ing week and we did it without worry even though you weren’t clear on why we were doing it. it’s too much, lee taemin.” 

“you shouldn’t have become a member if you’re going to act like this, soojung.” 

“you shouldn’t have become a leader if you’re not willing to explain why you’re making us kill people left and right. we’re not mercenaries, taemin. we’re your equals. now until you tell us why we’re killing byun baekhyun, we’re not going to do a single for you.” she grabs jongin’s hand and leads him out of the room, ignoring taemin’s demands for them to come back. 

he wouldn’t kick them out, anyway. she knows taemin far too well despite the changes he went through. 

once she and jongin are inside the car, her hands start to shake and jongin takes them in his, pressing a soft kiss on the knuckles of her hands. 

“soojung-ie, you shouldn’t have done that.” he sighs before leaning her head on his shoulder, pressing a kiss on the top of her head as soojung buries herself deeper into him. 

“jongin, how many people have we killed during the past month? i’m not an assassin, i’m a racer and a getaway driver but why do i feel like i’m becoming as desensitized to death as assassins? i see how your eyes go blank right before you take a kill and that one night i spent in your apartment made me witness you having a nightmare until you ultimately decided to just not sleep at all.” she looks up at jongin with glassy eyes, at the brink of crying due to the horrible fate they have. 

she squeezes his hand tighter, “you don’t deserve those nightmares, jongin.” 

“neither do you, soojung. let’s go home.” he tells her, and she nods, ready to turn the key in the ignition. jongin stops her though. 

“let me drive for tonight, soojung-ie.” he smiles, but soojung could see in the lines and the parting of his lips that he’s just as broken as she is in the moment, that he doesn’t want this anymore than she did. in this moment, she wants to disappear with jongin and run away until they can never see where seoul is. 

they reach jongin’s apartment within twenty minutes - soojung could have reached it in seven, but she doesn’t complain. jongin leads her to his room and he climbs into the sheets after her. none of them even has to say anything, they move in synchronization, with jongin placing his arms around her and soojung laying her head on where his arm and shoulder meets. 

“no more nightmares, soojung.” he whispers so low that his voice could almost melt into their surroundings, into the sound of their breathing. the rise and fall of his chest against the palm of her hand sends her into deep slumber. one without nightmares, just like what he said. 

\ 

seeing sooyeon becomes a rarity. the last time soojung had ever heard from her older sister is that she’s in thailand, striking deals with foreign drug syndicates and building stronger connections for the mafia. ever the diplomat, she’s always winning the hearts of stupid mafia leaders left and right. soojung wishes that her sister would come home more often -- not even for her, but for jinsol who’d already started her assassin training. 

“she’s actually doing great. though i’m sure that’s not any of your concerns right now.” jongin approaches her in the garage. his body slick with sweat, and the material of his muscle shirt clinging tightly to his skin. 

“i still don’t know how my parents manage to swallow all of it. i can’t watch my youngest sister train to kill people, jongin. you know i couldn’t.” she tells him with a desperation hanging at the edge of her voice. jinsol is only sixteen -- though she trains a bit late, she’s already good at what she’s doing, and it scares soojung to no end. 

jongin holds her hand in his. funnily enough, his hands had always been bigger, big enough to keep her hands warm and steady. it’s also jongin who’d stopped her hands from shaking almost every single time. 

“if it were up to me, i would have stopped her training the moment taemin ordered her to me.” but it wasn’t up to me. she knows it’s what he would have said if soojung wasn’t already too upset about the situation. jongin kind of tiptoes around her, but he also makes sure to bring her back to the reality of things. 

“i’ll see you later.” soojung exhales before getting into her car once more. she’ll go back to jongin’s place later at dawn. when everything is quiet, when everything is more peaceful. 

it sticks to her in a routinely way to race at night, or to drive around seoul and waste the mafia’s gas money if there are no races. afterwards, she goes to jongin. she knows the passcode to his apartment, and knows just how many steps and turns she should take before she reaches the bedroom. she also knows to hold him tight when the nightmares come. 

\ 

there are times when she reaches jongin’s apartment first. tonight, soojung is watching netflix with microwave popcorn on her lap. the amount of violence she’d endured throughout her forming days in the mafia’s headquarters has desensitized her to almost everything. it rid her of most of her emotions, and has guaranteed her that she’ll just pass through life with little to nothing in terms of feelings. 

during nights like these, though, when jongin is out for another mission and soojung is all by herself; she tries to pretend that she’s not as hollow as she already is. she allows herself to feel even the slightest bit of emotion (apart from her usual rage and loneliness) with these films, even if she thinks they’re shallow. 

when the door rattles and jongin comes in, she immediately shuts off the television. even if jong