In the seething bitterness, I held someone’s hand. This someone needed more than I. Over the years, my survival had been hell bent on a single phrase; Keep Moving Forward. Living was easy for me. I was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. In a world I created in my mind and sometimes, there was nothingness.

I have felt life leave me. It is nothingness. All of your wants, wishes, desires all crumple into a heaping pile of emptiness. Even your motivation to live. It vanishes. The child a mother loved enough to put into this world twice and yet, I couldn’t grasp it. What is desire? What does it mean to want something so much you’d give up anything?

I didn’t know the answer a year before last. I had trudged through 25 years of life without asking for a single thing. I wasn’t worthy of it. I walked through relationship after relationship more barren than the last. None of it meant anything to me. They all walked ahead of me. I remained at the same pace and watched as their footsteps ran ahead. I asked them to slow down, that for some reason my feet just…wouldn’t match their speed. None of them did. Not until you…

You matched me step for step in our conversations. You understood my madness and why I constantly ran. I was running to catch up to them. To be equals in their eyes, to be welcomed. Yet I never was. I snapped off parts of me that were different from them. Morphed my existence into their perfect being. Nails, hair, personality traits. I vanquished every part that put miles between us. The music I truly loved, the shows I loved to watch. I placed them all into a suitcase and locked them in a room in my mind. Only when I was truly alone would I open the door and sit with them. The last time I promised I’d let it pass like a season…and they all left.

You opened the door. Ah! He’s seen it! Good, I chimed. It’s better that way. Let him leave like all the rest! What’s the point of closing up anymore? They all leave. They all leave in the end!

You sat there, beside the lone chair I had placed in the room and asked questions. He’s mocking me. Of course it’s a joke to him. What kind of loser am I in his eyes? What kind of weirdo? What jokes will it be this time.

You laughed…out of amusement. You were aware it existed, but it was intriguing to you. It was something new than what you had seen before. The chair expanded slightly, just enough for you to sit in it as well.

I expected you to run, but I didn’t lace up my shoes. I was tired of running after what I couldn’t keep. You told me your story and my heart cried. Because you had been hurt, I knew there wasn’t any space for me. The shoes I had reached for unconsciously, I placed them back beside the door and sat on the chair again.

You would leave too. I wouldn’t run after you.

But for now, I wanted someone to watch my shows with. For now, I wanted someone to share my music with. It will be okay for now. You laughed with me. The chair became a couch, we now sat with popcorn and drinks. We shared more stories and then you stopped laughing. Your mind wandered off. The screen played until the filter burned and you got up, dropping your popcorn onto the floor. I scrambled to clean it up not noticing you had gotten up.

“Wher-“

I had almost spoken.

I looked down at my watch. The months had flown by and I had so much fun I forgot the promise.

A season.

The chill set in and realization struck me that summer had long passed. For the first time, I ran after someone barefoot. I grasped your wrist and pulled and pulled, but it was as if I had no strength. Step after step you drifted further from me. Please, please. Let it be this one. May I have this? May this be my happiness?! Please!

I’ll give up anything!

You stopped and I ran in front of you, grasping your face in my hands.

“Please, I’ll give you anything.”

“Anything?” You repeated, eyes blankly staring ahead.

“I’ll give you anything. I’ll----I’ll give you my heart.”

The smile didn’t reach your eyes.

“Eventually I will still leave.”

“Then keep it because this will be the only happiness I ever get.”

I pulled you back to sit beside me….and when you eventually left I didn’t move to go after you. Tears cascaded down my eyes as I laughed bitterly to myself.

In my sadness, I held someone’s hand. This someone needed more than I.