“How did your husband die?”

“. He passed silently in his sleep.”

It’s been almost half a year but that memory feels as fresh as yesterday. It hurts to think of him, of his empty eyes and cold fingers. Sometimes I can still feel them wrapped around my forearms.

“I’m so sorry for your loss. What a shame, such a tragedy at a tender age.”

“Baekhyun was my everything.” I sniffle. I blink the tears out of my eyes and watch them fall on the big coin ring on my ring finger.  “I just miss him so much.”

“Oh, dear… He must’ve treated you nice for you to cry so much.” The wrinkled corners of the lady’s lips dip, and I feel a pang in my chest. It makes it a little difficult to breathe.

“He did. He loved me so much. We went on this trip during our honeymoon. He had saved up for months.”

“It must’ve been lovely.”

“That was the happiest week of my life, just the two of us away from the world--” My voice cracks and I pause. The lady hands me a handkerchief, her bony fingers resting on my wrist as she dons an empathic frown. I thought I had gotten used to people looking at me like that; like I was a hollow shell that would fall apart at any moment. Now as I feel the woman’s gaze on me, It makes me just as sick as it did during Baekhyun’s funeral service.

It makes me want to recoil - I want to turn in on myself and hide away from the pity.

As the woman - I can’t remember her name - goes on to tell me about her marriage, I drift away to the green trees outside and wonder how the roots would smell if I were to open the window. Could I smell the ice all the way up in the mountains, too? 

Her weak voice is barely audible over the running train but I catch the gist of her story. Her first husband was a pig, she explains that as she shows me the faded scars laced over her paper-like skin. I catch words like knife, cigarettes, and punch, all in only a couple of sentences. “Christmas came early when that bastard died at war,” she says and I try not to smile. Her second husband, the love of her life, was much younger than her.

I don't have the time or capacity for her life story. I nod along to her murmurs as I imagine myself in five days from now shivering from the wintery weather. I imagine the frost on my nose, the crunch of soft snow under my boots, the touch of icy water…

But the bliss won't be the same… Because amidst all the cooling white of the winter wonderland, there’d be no one to keep me warm. 

“I should be heading back now,” I say as I gather my dress over my ankles. “It’s near time for lunch.”

“Oh, when can I see you again, dear? It was lovely to have your company.”

“I’ll come by again, soon.”

“Which cabin are you in, dear?”

“I’m in cabin 17, car B.”

If I had known that my stroll through the cars was going to take such a stale turn, I would’ve decided against it. The economy cars are filthy. Their floors are stamped with the dusty shoes of their last travelers. The walls in the corridors have ugly reed patterned wallpaper that has peeled in the corners. Small lamps line the walls but I wouldn’t wager for most of the bulbs to work at night. 

But my jitters were making it impossible for me to stay in the lounge anymore, and I couldn’t bring myself to go into my cabin yet, not when I knew everything in there would remind me of him. How long will it take for me to realize that my core has been corrupted and things will never be the same again? How long can I run from him? Outside the lounge door, I brush my hands over my floral dress - Baekhyun’s favorite dress. I try not to think about his smile when I wore it for the first time.

 The warm sunlight hugs me like an old friend and I'm instantly delighted by the welcome.

I’ve always loved the interior of the VIP lounge. The bar is on the right with an array of classy, expensive liquor - I see some of my favorites and I can already taste them on my tongue. Gentle sunlight bounces off of the heavy crystal glasses shelved along the wall behind the bar with liquor-filled crystals bottles and glasses decorated on the wooden island itself. In the corner of the bar, next to the shelves hangs a single-layered chandelier with dangling ornaments. A tall lamp with a purple shade stands left side of the entrance. Sofas and sofa chairs are places in several corners, two facing the center window on the right with a small wooden coffee table in between, other full-length sofas all placed along with the windows, occasionally broken by a small table. A single antique lamp sits on every table, their cream-colored shade a smooth contrast with the parrot green walls.

There’s only one other person in the lounge apart from myself and the bartender and he’s sitting on the sofa seat near the window. His fedora sits on the coffee table and his face is hidden behind the newspaper he’s reading. A sting of bitterness tastes in my mouth - that was always Baekhyun’s chair of preference. 

I stare at the man in the seat and paint Baekhyun’s image from when we first met four years ago - the picture of him sitting cross-legged in his black tuxedo; the way his eyes had followed me when I was tentatively making my way out of the cabins. His flirtatious grin broke into a charming smile when he reached over to help after I had spilled a drink on my dress. We had talked for hours that night.

Maybe that’s when I knew that it was him whom I wanted more than anyone else - maybe that was when he fell in love with me.

I’m broken out of my reverie when the bartender asks if I would like a drink. I decline, but I feel the itch for alcohol building in my throat. 

I walk toward the empty sofa chair opposite the man. “Excuse me, but would it be all right if I sat here?”

The man has looks like I’ve never seen:  dark skin, high brows, excellent jawline, not to mention the large pair of brown eyes and full lips. I sit down on the chair before he can respond. I cross my ankles and drape my dress over my knees so it falls just how I want it to and look out the window. The hues of orange and red have retreated with the sun and only dark shadows loom past. I hope it doesn’t rain - I hate the rain.

“Madam?”

“Yes?” I smile up at him. “Oh, do forgive me for such a bold gesture. I’ve been wandering by myself and am in dire need of good company.” 

The man looks at me with a skeptical quirk in expression. I make it a point to adjust my bracelet and fold my hands  on my lap. I sit the way my mother in law taught me to sit when they were first introducing me to their society and I channel the same air and confidence my husband so proudly wore, one of the things I admired about him.

He folds his newspaper and I know I’ve won.

“How rude of me to keep to my paper when there’s a much interesting companion,” he says as he places his fedora on the coffee table on top of the newspaper. “Who would be the lovely lady accompanying me this trip?”

Surname excluded, I tell him my name. “Yours?”

“Kai.” I shake his hand, his bony fingers encasing mine ever so perfectly. His hands are so soft. “So, what brings you the train?”

“I’m taking a trip to the mountains.”

Kai’s eyes widened. “In winter? All by yourself?”

“It’s odd, I know. But it was something I needed to do.”

“Aren’t you afraid to be going about by yourself in the mountains?”

“If you’ve lived with a husband like mine, there isn’t much left for you to be afraid of.”

“Oh, you’re married.” I catch the shift in his tone.

“Widowed. My husband died in the army.”

There’s the look of sympathy again - damned, unforgiving sympathy. “My condolences, madam,” he says. “It must be a tragic time for you.”

Casting my eyes to the scenery outside, I take a deep breath. “I’m guilty to say it isn’t. Christmas came early when that bastard died.” I take a calculated pause, enough for the information to settle in for him. I turn to him, my eyes glassy with fresh tears and a sad smile. “I sound horrible, don't I? It’s just...after six years of being married to an abusive drunk, I’m glad to have my freedom back.”

A wave of realization washes over Kai. “I am so sorry.”

I give him a dismissive shake of hand. “It’s okay, the torment is over now and I’m free from that monster. All I want to do now is enjoy my time and stop living in fear of having a knife pulled at me every night.”

“Sweet Lord…”

There’s the pity - I can hear it in his voice. I sniffle. “Anyway, I’ve said too much about me. What about you, where are you headed?”

Kai shifts in this seat, a shadow of uncertainty from what had just passed still obvious on his expression but he answers me regardless. “I have family in a town nearby the winter mountains - I visit them at least twice a year when the seasons change.”

His shoulders are slumped and he won’t look at me anymore. The atmosphere is so stiff I feel like I’ve been closed in a box. I try to pursue conversation through several topics but it’s when I bring up his family that he becomes the most talkative. After a laugh or two, Kai asks me about my family to which I respond that I have a mother and a sister and that I don’t keep in touch with my in-laws. He frowns but I wave him off and ask him about his work. I haven’t comprehended a word he was saying, I was too lost in the depth of his voice to even notice.

“I think it’s about to rain.” Kai leans toward the window, his eyes staring up at the black sky.

“I hope it doesn’t.”

“You don’t like the rain?”

“The rain is fine, I don’t like the thunder. It’s too loud for my liking.”

“My sister is afraid of the thunder, too.”

“I’m not afraid of it,” I say rather quickly. Don’t be hasty. “You must be close to your sister.”

Kai slithers back into his deep voice and languid conversation and I take a mental note of relief. The day has lulled into the night and I stifle a yawn. The heart round of cakes and milk tea we were served earlier didn’t do much to satiate my hunger but it was enough to get me through the night.

“I’m afraid I’ll be turning in for the day,” I say as I get up. I’ve had an awfully long day.

“Oh.” He sounds disappointed, his frown says that he is. “You won’t be joining me for dinner? Barely anyone takes this route this time of year and I always end up eating alone,” he says. “I’d be delighted if you’d be so kind to join me?”

I smile. “Don’t worry. I shall be joining you for all your meals starting tomorrow.”

“Shall I take you up to that promise?”

“I’ve never broken a promise in my life.” 

He flashes me a charming smile. “Well, then I shall call upon you at breakfast. What cabin are you in?”

“I’m in 04.”

The watch on my wrist says 3 am when I finally decide to give up on trying to sleep and slip into my slippers again. Perhaps, a drink and a walk would solve my problems. It had become a horrible habit of mine. Baekhyun always urged me to quit on my midnight drinking binge - he went as far as swearing off alcohol with me in solidarity. As I sneak open the door and tiptoe out of the corridors, I’m reminded of the nights I’d sneak out of our bedroom for the same reason. I can’t help but think of the peaceful look on Baekhyun’s face as he’d lay there sleeping when I came back from the pantry, or the way he’d sing a song in his soft beautiful voice to wake me up the next morning, smiling down at me with so much purity that it’d make the alcohol sitting in my stomach boil with guilt. A sudden image flashes before my eyes - a new devastating memory. It’s the sound of his screams, the feeling of his cold fingers tracing my face.

I shake my head.

I can’t think of that. I must only remember the good, the lovely. So I hum the tune of our favorite song and imagine the warmth. I’ve reached the first cabin door and I slide it open. It’s dark in the lounge except for the dim lighting of some of the lamps. but I manage to catch a glimpse of Kai’s hat still sitting on the coffee table. Chopped shadows fall on the furniture, hiding much of everything. I keep my gaze focused as I sneak behind the unattended bar to pour myself a quick sip of wine. The liquid glows red as I swirl the contents in the glass, the soft rumbling of the engine does little to mute the sounds I'm making. I slowly make my way out with my drink when a violent shake of the train throws off my balance and shuts the cabin door behind me. My nightgown is caught between the doors.

“.” I hope no one wakes up. I put my drink on the floor and grip my dress when I see it..

Through the glass window, I see a silhouette - barely an outline in the near darkness. It’s sitting in the seat Kai had been in previously, unmoving. I blink my eyes hard - I must be mistaken.

But then it moves.

A hand reaches out into the snippet of light to grab the hat.

I’m frozen. Silent.

I can hear it. Even through the door, I can hear it. 

His voice.

A horn blares.

The silhouette rises with the hat and places it on its head. And in a brief second, the shadow catches a face.

The horn rings louder.

I try not to scream as I rip my nightgown and run back to my cabin.

First-class has its perks.

Baekhyun’s favorite was being able to have dessert with breakfast. Mine is the soft mattresses.

He always found my excitement for them to be a bit peculiar, but that’s exactly what he loved about me too. He used to say that I reminded him of a simpler life.

“Where have you been living since your husband died?” Kai asks me in the morning as we’re having breakfast. 

“With my mother.”

“Not your In-laws?”

“I’m as good as dead to them,” I say, staring at the English Muffin on Kai’s plate. “I prefer the simple life, anyway.” I feel discomfort tumbling in my stomach - maybe it’s guilt. Or maybe I’m starving. After a buttered toast and fresh coffee, I can confirm that it is the latter.

Kai’s watch shines on his wrist as he spreads jam over his toast. My appearance at his door earlier had put him in good spirits but I can’t say the same for myself. I had a rather uncomfortable night despite the luxuriously soft mattress. My eyelids rub like sand against my eyes as my mind tries to navigate through the daze I was thrown into since my dream last night. Kai is still talking. I say all the right things and make the right sounds but I can barely register a word coming out of his mouth. It’s making my stomach swirl. We have moved to the lounge car now, and my hunger is replaced with a fluttering knot of anxiety. I can’t stop myself from falling into a spiral.

“Are you all right?” Kai asks.

There’s an unsettling weight sitting on my thigh - the heaviness of the item I had pocketed this morning anchoring me to my place. In the spur of the moment, I look up to Kai sitting in the sofa chair in front of me and I realize just how much I miss Baekhyun. I miss how he never needed me to vocalize what was bothering me - he somehow always already knew. If he were here, he’d wrap a blanket around me; he’d whisper assurances into my ear and repeat his promise. “You’ll never lose me.”

But I have.

“I’m okay,” I replied. And just like that, Kai falls back into his rhythm again, as if I hadn’t been quiet since the past few minutes.

That night, I resign early to my cabin. I give the excuse for an upset stomach and get up to leave for my room.

“Is there anything I can get for you?” Kai stands with me with worry etched along his face. “Do you need medicine? I can ask the staff, they might have something for you.”

“I’m all right, dear,” I say, touching his arm. “I’ll be alright if I lie down. I just feel a little dizzy. that’s all.”

“It’s best you go lie down then.”

“You’re right.”

I close the cabin door behind me.

I take out the item from my pocket and let out a deep breath. I turn the thick coin in my hand. It’s heavier than most, with a stag embossed on one side and a decorated shield with Byun italicized at the back - the family seal that he had entrusted me with the week before he died. 

The tremors I felt from my nightmare are still fresh, I feel them every time I look at the sofa seat or at the fedora Kai always keeps on him. I consider the possibility that maybe I was mistaken and it wasn't who I thought it was - it wasn't him.

Because there was no way it could be.

 Cold fingers ghost across my cheeks as I think about that night - the rain, the rusty taste, the pain.

The blood.

I rush to my luggage and slide the coin into one of the secret pockets.

The cabin is exactly as it was a couple of years ago. The modifications Baekhyun had asked to be made were still there. The administration couldn’t deny his request, no one could - he was a Byun after all. 

Cabins in this part of the train were rather spacious. A double bed with wrinkle-less white sheets was placed to face a sizable window. A small cushion chair was placed next to the bedside table opposite the door. There was a rustic, tall painting of a stag placed on the empty wall in front of the entrance under which my two bags were placed. Baekhyun had that painting specially made to honor the Byun family crest. The curtain knobs and handles were shiny golden stag heads, the drawers had golden antlers for knobs. I had to convince him not to give antlers to the headboard as well; he tried to protest, but he could never say no to me. Instead, he had a pair of special drinking glasses made with the animal right in the middle. I remember those glasses so well, they were gorgeous. A plain crystal drinking glass, round with thick ridges and low in shape; a small golden animal posing at its center. Baekhyun’s had a majestic stag standing tall, mine had a resting gazelle looking to her side

“This one’s for my Bambi.”

I never told him that I had lost mine. I kept telling him that I was keeping it safe, that it was too precious to use so often. “I don’t want it to break.”

“It won’t!”

I had to break his stag. “I told you it was risky. This is why I keep mine locked away.”

As I think back to the incident and to the way he looked at me, as shattered as the glass itself, I feel guilt clutching my throat.

I shouldn't have done that.

I shouldn't have done anything I did afterward, either.

Baekhyun had always been lenient with me, and for that, I was both bitter and grateful.

I had my dinner called to my cabin. There was a little note under the napkin by Kai wishing me good health. ‘I hope to see you smiling bright tomorrow morning. Let’s have breakfast together?’ It was a heart-fluttering gesture. It made me smile.

It’s my second night in the room that I used to share with my husband, and maybe the lack of him beside me tonight keeps me from drifting off to sleep. I try to focus on the softness of the mattress beneath me, on the rhythmic rumbling of the train as it speeds over the tracks. Although it isn't entirely silent, I feel stuck in a void, and the only sound that I can hear is the sound of my voice and a high-pitched ringing. I look around the room and I feel the stag in the painting watching me - its dark, lifeless eyes staring into mine. I look away. I run my hand over the empty side, feeling the cold sheet under my fingers. And it is then when I sing the lines Baekhyun had written for me right here almost two years ago. I hum them as I think of his long fingers caressing my cheek, I mumble them under my breath as I think back to all the times I had stepped away from him when he had approached me with open arms. 

A tear escapes my eye, followed by a few more streaks trickling sideways down my face. 

‘Time stops when we’re together. Every minute I'm with you, I’m in Neverland.’

It was one of the last things he said to me that night.

I choke mid-way, leaving the melody incomplete as I allow myself to sob for the love I had lost - for the peace I had given up. And I just wish, I wish with desperation to want to see him, to hear his melodious voice one last time.

I hum the tune over and over again, not daring to sing the words from the fear of tainting his voice preserved in my memories. It’s my desperation that brings his voice to life in my ears and I close my eyes and try to imagine how he used to sing it, how his voice used to change with every lyric so effortlessly. It takes me a few moments but now I can hear it as I hum.

His voice.

“The stars are twinkling in your pretty eyes all night.”

So beautiful.

“All I want is you and me. Will you be my very first and last?”

It’s a little different. It’s slower and less powerful but it’s his voice and I'm being lulled to sleep. 

“Over and over, I can't express in words how I truly feel.”

His voice rises with every breath I take, it’s getting closer. 

“It's dazzling that I can't be closer. There's no way out.”

A puff of warm air touches my back.

My voice catches, my eyes shoot open.

The stag stares at me in a deafening silence. A heavy sensation washes through me and I want to look away. But the stag has me gripped with a force that I can't break away from.

I don't understand it.

“This story begins now, my Neverland.”

I’m suddenly aware of the darkness that is surrounding me, the corners that are colored so deep with shadows that I can’t see under them. A sickening chill claws up from the pit of my stomach and punctures my lungs. 

I’m alone.

And I hear his voice.

“You’re my only Bambi.”

I scream.

I wake up the next day wrapped in a blanket that isn't mine. It smells different - not like the familiar mix of wood and flower that I've associated with home, but a stranger mint and grass. I don't have to look around to confirm my suspicion because the moment I open my eyes, I see the painting of the stag missing. Instead, there’s a little table with a vase full of browning flowers. There’s a black fedora on the side table near the door and a newspaper placed on the empty side of the bed. Kai’s cabin is a lot different from ours - it’s a lot lighter in color and lacking in grandeur. It was a comfortable, modest setting.

I didn’t like it.

My head clangs with shooting pains when I get up and move to the little mirror next to the curtained window. I can barely make out my reflection in the poorly lit room but when I touch my eyes, I can feel the tender swollen skin. A streak of light breaks in as Kai enters the room behind me holding a lavish tray of bread and cold cuts along with a glass of wine. 

I almost wince - I could use that drink right about now.

“I’m so glad to see you’re awake,” Kai says, placing the food tray on the table. “How are you feeling?”

“Not so good,” I reply. “I have a horrible headache.”

“That’s understandable, you spent the whole night crying.” Kai approaches me with warm eyes. He holds one hand out and I take it, following him to sit at the edge of the bed. “Do you want to talk about it?”

The thought of last night makes me shiver. I push through the pain in my head and think back to my room and the eerie feeling. I don’t remember what happened.

“I’ve been having bad dreams since the past month,” I begin to explain. “They’re mostly about my husband or something of a sinister kind. I’m never harmed but I feel so afraid. It’s suffocating.”

“What do you see?”

“Mostly my husband. Just being there around me, watching me with a dead stare.” I pause as tears pool my eyes again. I heard Baekhyun’s voice last night but I shut it out. “He’s always hurting me.”

Tears stream down my face and my sobs turn into hiccups. What am I saying? It hurts. It hurts to say these things but I push that thought away. I dwell on the pain until I can't think anymore until all that is left is the void of what had happened and my misery at what I had done.

“Rotten bastard,” Kai says. “You didn't deserve to go through so much.”

An arm drapes over my shaking shoulders and pulls me close. Suddenly all I can smell is mint and musk; all I can feel is a protective warmth. I haven't felt that in months, not since the last time Baekhyun held me.

I cry harder.

“You deserve someone who knows how to treat a lady right.” Kai’s voice rumbles through his chest. “Someone as special as you needs to be with someone who can make you feel safe.”

Moments pass by and we remain as we are, unmoving except for my trembling. Once I've calmed down enough, Kai wraps another arm around me, this time in a proper hug for a few seconds before moving away. “We’re going to stop at the next station for a few hours to carry new passengers. I always go to the local market whenever I get the chance, I was hoping you could come with me? It’ll be a good change of environment for you.”

Dried tears crack at my cheeks when I smile at him. “I’d love to.”

Kai rests his palm on my cheek before leaving me to rest some more. I wait for a minute or so after he’s closed the door to pick up the tray of food and sneak back into my cabin.

04.

I place the food on my bed and stare the stag in the eyes as I eat.

The clouds are coming. We outran the shadows a few miles ago but it’s only a matter of time before they finally catch up and taint everything grey. 

The station is almost fifteen minutes away. I go to my open luggage on the bed and look for a decent dress when my hand goes through a white nightgown I had forgotten about. I lift it, inspecting the large rip on the side and my forehead creases. What was I thinking bringing along a ripped nightgown? I must've not seen it when I packed. Tossing it aside, I dig under my clothes and find the zip in the top left corner of the luggage. It’s still sealed and the coin is still secure.

I hesitate - should I take the seal with me? Is it more secure locked in this room than it will be in my purse?

Suddenly it’s too heavy for me to carry. I put it back and zip the bag.

I pick out a dark green dress and prepare to change.

The station takes me back years. Everything is exactly where it used to be down to the rusty stain under the big station clock. It’s a little crowded considering the time of year but that’s nothing unusual - it was a lively town. So much so that once Baekhyun and I had decided to stay back at the cabin because there were too many people outside.

“I want to place a rose in your hair without having to worry about someone pushing you along the way.”

Kai holds out his arm for me to take once we exit the station and I take it. There are a lot more phone lines along the roads than there used to be, a lot more bicycles as well. Kai’s reminiscing his childhood as he takes me along the shops.  I've been to almost all of them.

“What would you like to do?” he asks me.

“What do you suggest?”

“Have you been to any of the bakeries here?”

“I haven't.”

“Your husband never took you around?”

I hesitate. “He didn’t.”

Kai’s jaw sets as he looks down at me, his grip on my arm tightening. “Don’t worry. I’ll show you around.”

Kai’s route around town was a lot different than my husband’s. Baekhyun used to first take me to the bakery down the street from the station where they sold the softest fresh bread, he’d get us two loaves of chocolate. Then, as we went down the road through an underpass toward the stables, we’d try every snack from every stall we could see until we finally reached the horses. From there we’d take a left and across from the pub would be stores with the most gorgeous jewelry and dresses. And then, just before we’d board the train, Baekhyun would get me a big bouquet. He’d take out the prettiest flower and place it in my hair. 

“Will you be my first and last?” he’d ask every time.

“Always,” I’d say.

Kai steers me in no usual direction - he gets me flowers first but they’re from a different shop and not as vibrant, I have to carry them around the rest of the way with my one free arm. The lanes he takes us through are wet and my dress is stained with dirt. His idea of going around includes sightseeing places I’ve already seen and by the time it occurred to him that I could be hungry, it’s already been an hour. 

The clouds are looming overhead and night is starting to ink the day sky. There’s only a faint warm glow of the sun remaining, just bright enough for us to walk. The owners are starting to close their shops and I wonder if we’ll ever get anything to eat.

“I know a place that stays open late and sells delicious hot cross buns,” Kai says, his eyes searching his surroundings in panic. “It’s a little far from here, though. Do you think you can walk a bit more?”

“My feet are sore, I'm afraid,” I say.

“How about you go on ahead toward the station and I will get us something? Dinner won't be served for another hour on the train and it’s not fair to keep you starving.”

“It’s all right, Kai.”

“Oh no please, I insist. It was an oversight on my part and I will rectify it immediately. Please, go on ahead toward the train and I will come back soon.”

Kai’s retreating figure filled me with a sense of relief. I take slow steps toward the station and when I can't see Kai behind me anymore, I take a turn toward the stables.

I have to see the horses - I have to.

I need to stand where I once stood with him to mourn my loss.

I raise my dress and I walk toward the underpass, throwing away the flowers as they were nothing more than a liability. The soft glow of the sun hovers at the lip of the tunnel as I step into the shrouding shadows. It’s harder to see in the dark but I know my way, and I am grateful that there aren't many people for me to bump into. I’m almost halfway through the tunnel when heaviness suddenly sets on my chest and I want to turn around.

I don't want to do this anymore.

What do I even mean by this? The mourning? The remembering? What?

How can I? How dare I?

My pace slows.

Baekhyun wouldn't want this. He wouldn't want me crying for him, he wouldn't want me agonizing over losing him.

He wouldn't want me tainting a place he held so special with my tears.

I’m anchored to the road and my mind is swimming. Suddenly I feel like I’m underwater. There’s only dark emptiness around me and I’m being suffocated by something and nothing; there’s pressure around me but I don't know why. For a moment I can’t breathe - there’s water in my lungs.

Is this how he felt?

Is this how he’s feeling right now? Forever?

Dear, Lord!

Thunder strikes and I scream, my hands covering my ears and I fall to my knees. One crackles after another as lightning strikes up and around me outside. It’s louder than my screams, louder than his screams had been. Another thunder strikes and I feel it in my heart, like a spear being aimed at my chest. Another falls shortly after and the wiring in the tunnel explodes. Sparks rain on me and all I can do is hold myself and scream. 

I see a sight that sends my blood cold.

A figure standing in the hail of electric fire.

Him. 

He’s wearing the same tuxedo he had been that night, wearing the same fedora hat. I can see him clearly under the sparks, his gaze piercing into mine with such intensity that it devours me then and there. He moves his hand to take off his hat but then the sparks die around him and he vanishes into the darkness.

I get on my feet and run back. I run without sparing a look behind me out of the fear of seeing him again. But he is all I can see. Even as I blur past the little town, I can feel his gaze on my back - following me - and I feel a sinister intent I haven't felt since my first night on the train. 

I burst through the first phone booth I can find and dial the number I was made to learn by heart.

It’s ringing.

But it’s all that it’s doing.

I try again. 

Again.

Again--

“You have reached the voice machine of Byun HaBaek, please leave your message after this tone.”

My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth and my throat scratches every time I breathe but I force words to fight through. “Is he alive?! Did he survive?! I need to know! You told me you had taken care of it! Hello?! Pick up! Habaek for ’s sake--”

The message cuts off and I call him again. In a more composed voice, I say, “I know you told me not to call you unless it was an emergency but this is one so please call me back as soon as you get this. I’m only two days journey away from the mountains but I can't wait that long. We can discuss the inheritance and legalities later but first I need you to confirm this. See you in a few days.”

Stray raindrops pattern on my back as I make my way back to the train. My legs wobble but somehow I manage to take large strides. My thoughts have blown up and my mind is all over the place. I take a deep breath and smell wet moss. Disgusting. I keep to the side as I slowly break into a run, looking over my shoulder every few minutes. 

It was real.

He was there. Wasn't he? In the suit and hat? 

But he’s dead. He’s supposed to be dead!

Rain is pounding down behind me by the time I jump back into the train. I don't care to look around the carriage, I make a line straight to my cabin and lock the door. I rip open the back of my dress and throw it to the floor, letting the musty air of the room pin me with goosebumps in my undergown. I reach for my luggage and throw it open, my hand going directly for the little pocket at the back. I almost claw at the zip as I struggle to take the family seal. Thunder crackles behind me as I stare at the emblem in horror, the light dancing off of the gold antlers, shining in its dead eyes. The rain is heavy on the window - the sound makes my chest well up. There’s an overwhelming rush and I feel like I'm drowning again. My legs turn to jelly but I clutch the coin close to my chest as hard as I can. My knees give in and my head hits the side table as I fall. 

The light has left me.

I dream of Baekhyun. He’s holding my hand, smiling at me. I’m in bed and he’s bringing me soup. When I ask him why he says it’s because I've caught the flu. The room is bright and colorless - the only thing visible is him. As if he’s the source and everything else is only reflecting. I can’t see my arms as I reach out to him. I try to touch his face but he moves away, smiling mischievously. He wants me to finish my soup first. He isn't talking but I can still hear him, and when I ask him why he says hearts find a way. It’s warm, but I'm still freezing so I take a sip. The soup is clear like water, and as I take another spoon, the liquid turns red. My hands are wet with scarlet blood. I look up at Baekhyun and he stands before me, two red circles forming on his white shirt but his smile never falters. He’s looking at me with love. There’s a loud bang and I let out a soundless shriek. The bowl falls to the floor with a loud crackle.

I’m lying face-first on the floor.

I push myself up, tolerating the sting that runs through my head. The noise of the rain roars with the engine and it makes my ears hurt. My toes and fingers are stiff and mucus from my nose has trailed to the corner of my lip. I try to make out the time on the clock overhead but it’s too blurry. My luggage is still sprawled open so I take the first thing I fist and throw it over my head before stumbling my way out. On my way to the door, I lock eyes with the stag in the painting and everything comes flooding back to me.

The seal.

The rain.

The blood.

He’s alive?

His face in the shadows is all I can think about as I try to walk to the bar. The lights, his dead eyes. My throat is too dry for my saliva. It can’t be true. I need a drink to sober up. Yes.  Baekhyun always knew what to get me when I was getting anxious - he’d always bring me a tonic and I'd feel better. But then I'd sneak off later to get some whiskey. It made everything worse. And even now as I tread to the bar knowing the consequences of my choices, I go ahead with the intent to do it anyway. 

The lounge car is empty. Neither the bartender nor the conductor is anywhere to be seen. Even Kai isn't here. Taking the advantage of being by myself I go behind the bar and search through the bottles. My hands are trembling but all I need is a little swig of alcohol to fix that. A bottle shatters next to my feet but I barely feel the liquid on my numb skin. I move away a couple of glasses, probably dropping one as I do but then I see it - the whiskey tucked in the back corner. As I'm about to steal a sip I hear him again.

The singing - his voice.

“You’re my only Bambi.” 

I hold my breath. This isn’t real.

“Bambi…”

I force myself to turn around but I can only manage to do it slowly. If he’s there... if he’s real….

“It’s a perfect night for you/ Come down, night rain night rain…”

A figure moves in the distance with its back towards me. It’s tall with broad shoulders and a fedora covering his face. Cold seeps into my blood as I stare in horror at who may be the love of my life, the man who had died almost a year ago. The body that should've been devoured by the fishes.

And then a spark trips in my mind.

Could this possibly be Kai? Is it that he may somehow know the truth? Of what I'd done?

The figure begins to waltz away and I drop the bottle of whiskey. The figure moves like him - it must be Kai. I follow to confront the man who was exploiting my fears. How dare he mock me like this? And how foolish of him to think I'd let him get away with it.

He’s still singing but he understands that I'm following him. I scurry past the seat and the dangly overhead lights, careful not to let too much distance come between us. He exits the carriage and leaves the glass door open before turning a corner.

Now I've got him!

I pick up my pace and take a turn. I step onto nothing. My foot dips and I fall. Rain whips my body, wet black locks stick to my face and through the long tendril extending into the space I make out the haze of the world shooting past me. I’m suspended over a bridge, caught between the train and the lake that will be my imminent death if I were to fall.

But I'm not…

My sleeve has been caught in the door. But no, that’s not it. I’m being held by someone. I look up at the figure hanging from the side ladder and my eyes widen.

“Kai?!”

The hat blows away and dark brown hair covers his eyes. The little mole over the curve of his lips, the distinct shape of his jaw - it’s dark but I’d recognize him anywhere.

“Baekhyun!”

I can barely hear myself scream his name. There are pangs in my lungs and dirt in my mouth but I continue to call him out. He doesn't say a word back. Instead, he shakes his head, and just for a moment, when the thunder crackles and colors us with light, I see redness in his eyes. He swings me back inside and I fall drenched on the train floor. Scampering to my feet, I reach out of the door after him again when I'm jolted by a strong grip.

“Have you lost your mind?!”

Kai shakes me, his hands gripping both my sides yet I don't hear him at all. I only see Baekhyun, I only hear his voice. He’s outside - is he waiting for me? I try to push Kai away and turn for the door but this time he drags me away.

“What is wrong with you! Why are you doing this?!”

Frustration springs through me - why won't he just let me go! I have to go back to Baekhyun!

“Let me go,” I tried to say but it came out as a croak. 

“No, I will not!” Kai drags me back into the main cabin and shuts the door behind him. “Have you lost your mind! What the hell do you think you were doing!”

“My husband is out there!” I try to shout. “I need to go back to him!”

Kai takes a step back. His eyes are wide in surprise. “Your husband?”

“Yes!”

“Your husband is dead!”

“He’s not!”

“Yes, he is!” He shouts back. “Maybe it’s difficult for you to accept that reality but he’s dead! Free yourself from him!”

Who was he to tell me that my husband was dead? “I saw him.”

“You must've imagined it.”

“I know what I saw!”

“You’re exhausted and injured, and you’ve had a ton to drink!” Kai throws his arms to point to the disheveled bar. “You’re seeing things!”

“No--”

“Your husband was a horrible man who had too much control over your life and now that he’s gone you can’t bring yourself to accept the freedom. That's what’s happening. Now, please! Stop this madness!”

The silence that transpires between us rings louder than the thunderstorm. I’m shivering. My tears mix with the water dripping down my face and before I know it, I'm sobbing. Hiccups rattle my body when Kai walks over to wrap his jacket around me. He pushes me to sit and then bends down in front of me, his large hands covering my fists on my knees. 

“Go to your room. Change into dry clothes and patch up the cuts on your foot. I’ll make you a drink and be there in a second, okay?”

I don't know if I agreed to what he said. Thick tears trickle to my chin and my choked sobs are all I can hear. When I make it to my room, I fall onto the single chair near the lamp and finally allow myself to cry.

I cry for what I have become. 

I cry for what I have done.

I cry for my husband.

I cry for love.

When Kai comes in and hands me a drink, the liquid inside trembles and pours over onto my lap. I push it to my lips hard enough for them to part and take a large gulp. It’s a soothing feeling, the flavor feels comfortable on my tongue. Familiar. Like the tonic--

“I’ve been waiting for you, Tinkerbell.”

I freeze. The glass falls from my hand but he grabs it immediately.

He chuckles. “I’m not going to let you break this one, too.”

Baekhyun straightens and puts the glass on the table next to me. His white shirt is dry. His hair is wet. And when he touches my feet, I feel the sting of warmth on my icy feet. The frost breaks through my lungs and clutches my heart.

“Baek- hyun?” I tried to say but my lips are stiff. My shivering has turned violent.

“Yes, my dear Bambi?”

My heart aches. A fresh batch of tears fills my eyes. “I’m so sorry,” I tried to say. “He made me do it-- I’m sorry!”

Baekhyun gives a small smile. “What did he make you do? The betraying? Or the shooting?”

“All of it!” I say, desperation running. “All of it, Baekhyun! I didn't want to betray you - I swear! He said that if I took away your seal he wouldn't hurt you! I didn’t know the bullets were real! Baekhyun, you have to believe me! I love you! I’ve missed you so much!”

He takes a few steps away, his eyes moving from my face to my feet and a frown pulls his features. He begins to reach for my feet but stops, and curling his hands, backs away. 

“HaBaek told me a different story.” 

“He’s lying!”

He’s mum. Downcast. Still like a ghost. 

“Baekhyun?” My voice cracks. “Baekhyun, please?”

“You know...” He takes out the seal. “You didn't have to steal it from me. If you’d asked me, I would have given it to you. Signed it away - all of it.”

“I know! I know!”

“You didn't have to go behind my back with him.”

“I’m sorry!”

“Did you ever even love me?”

I hesitate. “Of course I did!”

Baekhyun looks at the coin in his hands. His eyes are glassy under the warm lighting and his voice trembles. “I always know when you’re lying.”

I try to speak again but my jaw is clenched shut. My hands are stiff in place.

“I love you.” Baekhyun walks to me with a smile so heartbroken that it almost kills me “But you betrayed me. And I swear to you that I would have forgiven that. All the lying, all the affairs - everything. I swear I would’ve. But you were my haven - I felt the safest you. I don’t anymore...”

Muffled screams are lost under the rumble of the train. I try to move but my body is frozen stiff. I’m starting to freeze from the cold. My tears still fall and I whimper for Baekhyun, for him to look at me like he used to. His eyes are empty; dead. I'm scared.

“. I’m so pathetic.” He lets out a small laugh. “I should've let you fall back there.” His laugh grows and a tear falls from his eyes. “! Why do I still love you so much? I can’t even see you suffer. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.”

My body suddenly jolts with spasms and I fall to the floor. Baekhyun doesn't move to help me up. My vision is starting to blur into dark flashes, and in my lapses of vision, I see the glass.

A gazelle sits in the liquid.

Drowning.

The noise is receding into silence. I’ve fallen into a burning pit of black. I can only hear the sound of my heartbeat and over it, the sound of a singing angel.

I don't want to wake up from this dream

 Keep this tempo

I hope the sun doesn’t rise

While I keep my eyes closed.

THE END