I still remember that terrifying feeling – that first stage.

But then a slender hand slipped into mine as we stood in the shadows of the left wing. I jumped a little, embarrassed by the action. A giggle made me turn down and this time it was my heart that jumped.

His face was still full back then, sweet and young. There were no lines of aging or maturity yet, only the innocent wonder lingered. Large dark eyes tenderly comforted me as a small pair of lips parted to say, “You’re going to do great Kyuhyun!” which was quickly followed by a squeeze of our connected hands.

“A-Ah,” I stuttered out, chills rolling up my backside. They weren’t necessarily bad chills, but back then I probably would’ve said they were.

Or, more realistically, I would have said they were the initial signs of attraction.

Brotherly love? Maybe.

“Okay, we’re up next,” Leeteuk-hyung whispered excitedly, patting my before doing the same to all of the members.

Was that the beginning?

“Next is Super Junior ‘U’!”

Our fingers untangled and I caught his eye once more before storming my debut stage.

Six years later, I realized that I was unmovable in my emotions. It was and still is funny how things work out. At the start of it all I heard that he didn’t particularly care for me.

I should’ve known though. He was the youngest, the “maknae”. He was also Yesung’s favorite and Yesung was his favorite – a fact that only grew more prominent as the years passed us.

In the dormitory, I would always see them together, doing this or that, staying up late talking, feeding each other, reading together, going out together and so on. I wanted to go with them, but most of the time I just wanted to go with Ryeowook. Yesung could go hang out with other members.

Why did he always have to take Ryeowook? That was a question plaguing my mind for years until it was finally answered during our Super Show 2 Shanghai Encore. I was relaxing backstage before going on for the song, just like everyone else.

The only ones I couldn’t find were Ryeowook and Yesung, who, you guessed it, were together. I hadn’t meant to stumble upon them. They were rather secluded to be honest yet some great, cruel force out there wanted me to see the truth.

I walked around the halls once or twice, thanking tired staff members along the way and teasing tired Leeteuk-hyung when I saw him chugging a water bottle. He simply glared but then laughed and wiped his face with a white fan towel. “Are you gonna be alright for the encore, hyung?” I prompted, smirking.

“Oh hush,” he grumbled, quickly turning his attention to the ever-so handsome Appa-Kangin. I watched them get close and giggle together, exchanging touches here and there as if no one could see them. People who thought Kangin was straighter than straight were right. He was definitely straight, just he wasn’t straight when it came to Leeteuk-hyung. That’s how love works though right? You end up breaking all your moralistic tendencies because you want what you want.

Well, could we blame him though? Leeteuk-hyung was a pretty woman in that drag competition, you know…

I turned a corner but abruptly jerked back when I heard sniffling and whispering. That voice was one I could recognize in my sleep, and I did most of the time considering we shared a room a lot during Super Junior-M promotions.

“Ssh…Wookie,” Yesung murmured.

Unable to help myself, I peeked around the corner and immediately wished I hadn’t. Yesung was holding Ryeowook in place with their bodies practically flush in the dimly lit hallway. There was a light shining in from one of the dressing rooms, probably Yesung’s.

“No!” Ryeowook snapped miserably, his make-up smearing as he shook his head and struggled. “Since the day we met I’ve liked you, Yesung-hyung! I…I still like you but you don’t…y-you don’t like me right?” His shoulders started to shake, thin legs looking about ready to give out.

I couldn’t see Yesung’s expression at that time but I’m sure it was something very near maddening love. The words Ryeowook had uttered though were the only things running through my mind. I was fooling myself to think he actually, may have, developed feelings for me.

“You like girls…I saw you just now with those n-noonas,” Ryeowook cried but then he was silenced by a kiss.

My ability to look away had long since vanished. Instead, I stood there like an idiot staring at the man I was probably, most definitely in love with, have his feelings accepted by another man. Yeah, I couldn’t be dumber.

Yesung took a panting breath after a minute – ing bastard – and then I saw him carefully run his fingers over Ryeowook’s wig. “I love you,” he mumbled pleadingly, “so don’t think anything of those girls. They aren’t for me. They’ll never be so long as you’re around.”

“H-Huh?” the cutest Eternal Maknae stammered.

“I want to be yours,” Yesung stated shakily, nervously, “…so can I?”

Then they were kissing again and I was turning away. It was sort of sad that the fans weren’t around to see the true coming of their stupidly beloved “Yewook”. It was even sadder though, that I had been beaten before even beginning.

If I had known they weren’t quite together yet, I should’ve made a move way back then during my debut. Maybe then people would notice the little things, the sweet things, the wonderful things I would do for him, with him, around him.

Did no one see our stolen glances or whispers or inside jokes? Was the world blind to him and me? Was Ryeowook blind to us?

I performed normally for the encore, eyes stubbornly focused on Yesung and Ryeowook’s all too long hug. They were clinging to one another far longer than any fanservice should’ve called for. The looks on their faces made it all obvious at least, to me it was obvious.  

That night I climbed into the van to go home and turned to see the new couple snuggling together in the back seat, their fingers probably laced together and their legs brushing.

“What’s up, Kyu?” Leeteuk-hyung questioned, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

A smile managed to make it onto my face. He was my mom in Super Junior, as was he everyone’s mom. I hugged his arm like a child, leaning into him. “I’m sad, hyung,” I muttered, knowing I sounded like a brat, “Make me feel better.”

“Well, what’s bothering you first?” he chuckled, kissing the side of my head gently.

“I lost.”

“Starcraft?”

I scoffed at the pure notion. “Please, hyung, be serious.”

“Ah, sorry, well, does it have to do with a contest? Did you make another bet with Heechul? I told you all to stop playing his games,” Leeteuk scolded, “he always cheats and it’s getting worse every time his quirky little head stirs up a fresh idea—”

“—no, no, it’s not Heechul either,” I interrupted, wanting to hug my hyung tighter. “I…I’ll get over it. Don’t worry. I’m going to sleep for a few minutes.”

“….Okay, I’ll wake you up when we arrive,” he murmured, wrapping his other arm around me and pulling me closer.

But I didn’t get over it. I’m still not over it.