“This is the last time this happens.”

You scoff.

How many times have you heard this one before? 

(Exactly, 35 times. Not like you’re counting).

“You sound like a broken record”, you sigh as you say these words.

Your tone makes her stop putting on her clothes, “I swear this time it’s for good”.

You roll your eyes. 

It’s the same old tale, no matter how much both of you try to close this chapter and pick up a new book, your story always starts and ends like this:

After a night of passion where both of you can stop pretending like what you’re doing isn’t what you want, that it’s not wrong to lose yourselves in between each other’s thighs, but come morning both end up full of regrets, promising it’ll be the last time you end up like this.

(But both of you know that’s a lie, no matter how hard you try to walk away, you’re both pulled back into each other’s orbits in the blink of an eye). 

Handong finishes dressing up and looks back at you, drawn in a line trying to look serious, as if seemingly being devoid of any emotion would drive the point home of this being the last time you end up tangled in bed.

Her eyes though? They tell a different story.

You can feel the longing and the regret in them, you know those emotions too well because if she looks into your eyes is what she sees reflected in them too.

It’s a never ending cycle: you both want and need and love each other so much but life has other plans for you.

Separate plans.

Handong runs a hand through her hair frustrated, you can’t help but admire her.

Ever since you met her all those years ago,  her beauty and grace caught your eyes; you could never deny how much she affects you.

“You know as well as me that we always end up like this”, you rise up the bed into a sitting position, not minding that the blankets pool down your body, leaving you bare from the waist up.

You see her visibly gulp, you’re not the only one being affected by the other; her hungry eyes settling on your chest and admiring her handy work from the night before let you know how much you affect her too.

The longing and regret in her eyes has been replaced by want, and knowing this you stretch your arms up to taunt her.

She knows what you’re trying to do, “Stop, it won’t work this time”.

You can spot that lie a mile away, and she knows it too.

Her pretended iron clad will crumbles, and in the blink of an eye she’s crawling back into bed and on top of you.

You feel her body pressing against yours and your body burns, it has always surprised how much you can feel with just a little touch from her.

The flames inside you die a little when a few moments later she presses her forehead against yours, your eyes closing on instinct. 

Warmth begins to spread all over your heart, and then she sighs so softly you almost wonder if you imagine it. 

“We can’t keep doing this Minji”, she whispers against your lips, it feels like the ghost of a kiss that makes the fire in your heart burn brighter.

You know this thing between you should come to an end. Both of you had tried it more than once, but the pull you have on each other always makes you backtrack.

“I know”, you whisper back at her as you hold her softly, almost afraid that holding her too tight would break the spell around you, making you go back to the reality you try to avoid earlier than you want to.

She says nothing then, just presses her lips softly against yours and once again losing herself in you.

Sometimes you wonder what goes through her mind, if she also feels like you feel. Every time you kiss you feel like you’ve been found after wandering for so long; with every touch you feel like coming home, like yes, this is the place where I want to spend the rest of my life in.

There’s always a but, though.

A ‘but you can’t always get what you want’ , in your case. 

Sometimes wanting something isn’t enough. 

As you lose yourself in her lips and her touch, you can’t help but wonder why you can’t be brave enough to fight for her.

Then again, you also know that even if she wants you to, you can’t. She has said it a million times before.

The sense of duty she has for her family is bigger than the love (you know) she has for you.

Maybe if you had been born into a wealthy family you’d have a shot, but you’re nothing but a (barely hanging in there) business owner; your little flower shop just letting you stay afloat in your finances.

You’re happy with it, sure. 

But the woman making you moan in pleasure deserves more than you can give her, is accustomed to the finest things in the world.

Things that you can’t give her.

You rack your nails against her back, almost burying them into her hard enough as if to say ‘I am not letting you go’ , making her hiss in pain and pleasure.

“Minji”, she says as she bites down your neck, marking you as hers once again.

In the back of your mind you can’t help but wonder if she would choose you if you really asked. 

She makes eye contact with you as her hand travels down your body.

The look on her eyes makes you want to believe that she would, that she’s just waiting for you to ask her to run away with you far away from this place, to settle down together and just be .

The words are on the tip of your tongue as she deftly slips two fingers inside of you but then her phone rings.

“Leave it be”, she says as she kisses down your chest, making your back arch off the bed.

The phone rings again and you can’t help but glance sideways to the bedside table where it rests.

You see her name lighting up the screen.

And the ‘I love you, we can make this work, be with me forever’ that were about to come out of your mouth get stuck in your throat, and the burst of bravery you had vanishes. 

Reluctantly, you push her off your body.

“What?”, the confused look on her face makes you want to wipe it off with a kiss, but the still ringing phone stops you from doing it.

You nos at the phone, “ She ’s calling you again, it must be important” 

“Oh”, her face falls for a second but then she steels herself into the cold hearted facade you hate.

It’s her go to mode whenever she tries to pretend like you’re nothing more than a good to her.

“You better get that”, you look away from her, not being able to bear the hurt that festers inside of you anymore. 

She gets up once again from the bed and fixes her clothes before grabbing her phone. 

You hear her mumble an “I’ll be there soon” before disconnecting the call.

The air around you thickens, the tension palpable around you.

“I’ll be going now…”, her words make you look back at her and for a moment you wish you hadn’t, she looks so small and all you want to do is wrap her in your arms.

You almost do, but what she says next stops you and brings you back to reality.

“…our parents want to talk about moving up the wedding”.

Right. The wedding. Handong’s wedding with someone who isn’t you. With someone she doesn’t really love.

You know that it’s nothing more than a business transaction between their families but it still hurts.

There’s so much you want to say about it and Handong knows you like the back of her palm, so before you are able to say something stupid (or brave) she gathers the rest of her things and walks to the door.

“I’ll be leaving now. This time for good”, you would have believed her words if she hadn’t said them a thousand times before, you would have believed her if she could say them while staring right into your eyes instead of just facing the door like a coward.

(But who are you to judge her? You’re more of a coward than she is).

“Goodbye, Minji”, she says as she opens the door to leave.

“Say goodbye like you mean it”, your words make her stop right at the threshold.

You can see she’s battling with herself about what to do next, you know that whenever you utter those words she pauses at the tiredness of your tone.

And just like the script you always seem to follow goes, she looks back at you, and even from afar you can see the tears threatening to fall down from her eyes.

“Goodbye, Minji”, she says it so softly and full of love and longing and hurt that you almost break down right there.

But like always, you have to be the strong one, so you only nod at her, afraid of saying anything else to her, afraid of deviating from the path that you should follow. 

She seems to get the hint before walking away and you break down as soon as she closes the door behind her.

It’s always like this: you let her leave, and you cry as soon as she does. Once you’re done you promise this will be the last time this happens and try to move on with your life.

When you get out of the hotel room that has been a witness of all your escapades you swear you’ll never step foot in it again.

So you lose yourself into the mundanity of your life and it works for a while.

Until it doesn’t.

She shows up on a rainy day at your shop, and as soon as she says “hello” with that damned charming smile of hers you know you’re a lost cause.

(Always have been since the moment you met).

And when you say “hello” back, your never-ending love story starts once again.

---

seriously considering making this a whole series. who knows? maybe i will

disclaimer: all mistakes are mine, english is not my first language.

you can also find me on
tw: @anothershipper
cc:/anothershipper
☕: /anothershipper