The almond-eyed girl took a deep breath as she stared into her neatly packed suitcase. One of her small, delicate hands reached out to caress the smooth surface of her favorite dress, a red, simple one with big buttons, perfectly folded with the rest of her things; in another life, one that she'd be way stronger than she is now, she'd reach out to hold it to her face, maybe even smell it, trying to find traces of her. She knew she didn't have much time; soon, her dear mother would be knocking on the door and urging her to hurry.

"Kang Seulgi! I am not letting you go to Seoul with a messy suitcase! Come back here, my cutie baby bear!"

That damn voice echoed through her thoughts for a brief second, though she did her best to shake it away. She didn't need more memories, not now. She was going to college, and it's in college where people start fresh, at least, that's what her dad told her when she came home crying that other night, that seemed so, so long ago, when it really had only been a year. A year. 365 days. Three hundred and sixty-five days, all of those, surrounded by people, yet all alone.

 

 

---

 

 

Wendy had called her that afternoon, urging her to come to the county fair with her and her "she's-not-my-sweetheart" Joy, as well as her friend Yeri and her boyfriend Erik. Most times, Irene doesn't mind going out with the four of them, but she's not in the mood today. She doesn't really like county fairs, maybe except for the cotton candy, but Wendy is so annoyingly cute - and persuasive - she agrees. It's her best friend, anyway.

She puts on her red dress with big buttons, pulls up her hair in a ponytail, and leaves. She doesn't tell Mr. & Mrs. Kim that she'll be going out with Wendy tonight: they don't like her (something about her being too frisky, and them being homophobic), but for an unexplainable reason, she wants to get out of the house tonight.

"Gosh, Irene, you look lovely!" Wendy beamed and quickly went over to hug her when she met them at the place she promised they would be, right in the front of the popcorn stand.

"T-Thank you." Irene swallowed, and right after she had said hello to Joy, Yeri and Erik as well and Wendy was about to open to comment something she didn't really want to know, a brunette skipped over to them, her hand holding up a big cone of cotton candy. She was wearing jeans and a plaid white and green shirt. She had big round earrings falling from earlobes, and a smile bright enough to light up a whole city.

Irene wondered why her heartbeat is so fast.

"Right on time, Seulgi-ya!" Wendy clapped, bringing Seulgi over closer to Irene. "Irene, this is Kang Seulgi, Joy's friend from Ansan. She's still in high school but she'll be transferring over here. Seulgi, this is Bae Joo Hyun, or you can call her Irene, my best friend." She grinned widely, and Irene bit her lip.

"It's really nice to meet you, Seulgi." She said politely, though her first instinct was to hug her tight and ask her for a bite of her cotton candy. Why did she want to act like a little girl?

"Hi!" Seulgi said cheerfully and waved her head to the side. "Seems like you'll be my date tonight, Irene unnie."

She laughs before she even has the chance to hold herself back, and suddenly, it's like Wendy, Joy, Yeri, Erik and the whole county fair don't even exist. "I'm sure you won't disappoint."

Irene blushes when Seulgi offers her arm, and Wendy raises an eyebrow. She's the only one that knows her secret besides her parents, a secret that could cost her life, and it was like her best friend warned her, don't fall in love with a simple look.

But she was far in too deep for that, little did she know.

They all go to the Ferris Wheel later on, and Seulgi offers her some cotton candy. She gladly accepts.

"Cotton candy is the one good thing about these county fairs." Irene's face burns on fire as she shyly takes a bite. Seulgi's mouth is so pretty, she is so pretty, she realizes, with her sweet, yet challenging smile, her shiny brown hair, and her bright brown eyes.

Seulgi kisses her that night, just about as the Ferris Wheel reaches its highest point. It's Irene's first kiss, and she hopes the brunette doesn't know or doesn't notice it. She'd hate for her to disappear because she definitely wants those lips against hers again.

 

 

---

 

 

"I like kissing." Irene moans just as her lips leave Seulgi's, though her face burns right after. She hates how easily she blushes.

"You do?" Seulgi wiggles her eyebrows down at her, just about another sad song blurts through the radio. Irene nods again, though her face gets even redder, making Seulgi giggle as she presses a kiss to the corner of the brunette's mouth.

"Look at you, my cutie baby bear." Irene teases. Irene loves to make comments about her puffy cheeks, though she likes it when Irene calls her hers.

They've been doing this a lot lately, driving out to kiss where no one could find them; it has been four months since they met at the fair, though it feels like no time at all. Seulgi hates it when Irene is not around, she hates falling asleep without her by her side and she hates it even more that Irene has to live with Jun Myeon: her father kicked her out once he found out about her darkest secret, the same one Seulgi had. It was selfish of her to think that if Irene hadn't been thrown out, they'd never meet in Seoul, at the county fair, and they'd never fall in love.

(She still wonders if Irene really loves her. They haven't said anything, and she's scared to do so).

"Stop it!" Seulgi giggles, glad that she drove them to the middle of the open road nearby the city's exit to the next small town, where they could use her old Volkswagen to make out in the back seats where no one would bother to hear them. "And you're my little bunny. So small, that someday I think I might crush you."

"At least I don't have to bend my legs to fit in the back seat while we lie down." Irene stuck her tongue out at Seulgi, but the brunette immediately leaned in to give her another long, tender kiss.

Yeah, she really likes kissing, kissing Irene, her little bunny.

(Not that she has kissed anyone else, but she knows that no other kiss would make her feel as Irene's does).

 

 

---

 

 

"I'm scared" Irene confesses while Seulgi presses the cold cloth against her own hand, giggling at Irene's terrified expression as the tattooist sterilized the machine.

"Don't be. I'm here." Seulgi assured her, leaning in to give her a quick, silent peck on the lips so no one would hear, glad the man was turned around. They couldn't afford to get caught, now that things were going so incredibly good, so good it seemed she was in a constant dream.

It was Irene's eighteenth birthday, and Seulgi was the one to suggest matching tattoos. For the rest of that stupid small town - except for Seulgi's parents, which always accepted their daughter's uality, and Wendy, who had already been filled in with the news - they were just two close friends getting tattoos, so it was not a big deal. They decided on something simple, a small black heart to their left wrists. It was somehow a cliché, but they didn't care.

Half an hour later, Irene is still and whining in pain as they leave the tattoo booth to have some ice cream before Irene has to head home to the Kim's household: Jun Myeon's mom was nice, but she was always right on time.

"C'mon, it was not so bad." Seulgi smiled, wishing she could take her girlfriend's hand as they walk down the street. "I can kiss it better later... If you want." She offered, and a small smirk appeared on Irene's naturally pink lips.

"If you kiss there, you might have to kiss somewhere else, too." Irene murmured in a low voice, making Seulgi explode in a fit of laughter.

 

 

---

 

 

"You're drunk." Irene poked Seulgi's nose, and the almond-eyed girl shook her head, still in complete and utter denial.

"I am not!" She waved the empty bottle of vodka they had stolen from Mr. Kang. Most nights, when Mrs. Kim went to church camp with Jun Myeon, Irene stayed over at Seulgi's, and after her parents went to bed (asking the girls openly to leave Seulgi's bedroom door open) they climbed to the roof and stared at the bright stars.

"You're in denial, you're drunk Seulgi. My drunken Seulgi" Irene smirked, and Seulgi rolled over to place a deep kiss to , sliding her tongue inside it and making them moan lowly in union. "Denial." She said a little breathlessly, and Seulgi shook her head with a small smile, leaning her head to Irene's warm chest.

"Maybe I am." Seulgi murmured happily, nuzzling her face against Irene. Irene smiled in response, running her small fingers over Seulgi's brown wavy hair.

Sometimes they got scared, scared to almost death, fearing being adults. Irene is already applying for college, and once Seulgi finishes high school (just one year to go) they wanted the same area of study, though in a completely different major: They wanted to study Music, but Seulgi wanted to be a singer, like BoA, she said, but Irene wanted to study and play the cello. When Irene first told her, it was hard to believe her little bunny, her little rebel Irene wanted to play such a classic instrument as the cello for a living, but most of all, Irene was just unbelievably glad that they'd probably go to the same school: both also wanted Seoul National University, that had the best Music program in Korea at the time, and with Irene's and Seulgi's (so far) outstanding grades over High School, it is almost a possibility.

"Things change in college, you know." Irene said in a low tone, fingers still playing with Seulgi's dark brown hair. "At least, that's what people say... I..." Her voice hitched over , and Seulgi shook her head, raising her head and reaching out so her thumb brushed against Irene's cheek.

"Things won't change between us." Seulgi reassured her with a smile, nodding softly as her thumb still caressed Irene's soft skin, the words stuck on her tongue as she opened to say them. It had been already more than four months since she's known Irene... It was about time. She had to do it. She had to tell her. What if she wouldn't get the chance afterwards?

"How do you know?" Irene bit her lip. "How do you know we're not going to be like every other couple where one goes to college and the other stays in high school, Seulgi? Why would we be any different?" She questioned, her voice turning slightly louder. "We're going to meet new people, and -

"Joohyun-ah." Seulgi interrupted her with a calm tone, making Irene's face relax. They stared into each other's eyes for a little longer before the almond-eyed girl spoke again. "I know we're not going to be like the others because... Because you were the one who taught me to be happy, Irene. And I don't mean just plain happy, I mean like-in-the movies happy... I've never felt like this before... And I don't want to give you up." She swallowed the three words she wanted to say so bad stuck on . She was such a coward. Yet, she hoped Irene understood what she meant.

She must have, judging by her smile. From the short time Irene and Seulgi were together, that was the most beautiful smile the older girl ever gave her. "I don't want to give you up, either." She brought Seulgi's face closer to kiss her fiercely, only breaking their kiss to murmur, "And I'm not going to."

Thinking back to that time, Seulgi wishes her lover had meant it.

 

 

---

 

 

"C'mon, Irene, dance with me!" Seulgi giggled, pulling Irene's small and soft hands and only loving to more as she rolled her eyes.

"Seulgi-yah, you know I don't dance!" She whined, her bottom lip sticking out. "Please, don't make me embarrass myself."

"You won't, you silly goose. You'll be dancing with me." Seulgi smirked, squeezing her tiny hand. They were on this little dance club downtown, a club for girls and boys like them. They could kiss, hold hands, and share milkshakes, besides sway to the melody without being watched by strange looks of disgust. It was almost a miracle, and they couldn't be seen driving there anyway, so Seulgi wanted to take the chance to do everything they couldn't for months. She was happy just dancing with her, and the other couples surrounding them made her shyness go away.

"Fine." Irene finally gave in, knowing she could never deny her bear anything.

Yes I need her in the daytime
Yes I need her in the night
Yes I want to throw my arms around her
Kiss her hug her kiss her hug her tight

Seulgi beamed, swaying along with Irene to the soulful song. The smaller woman rolled her eyes again, though deep inside, she was so, so incredibly happy to be there with Seulgi, dancing to that silly Van Morrison song, even if it meant she had to wear a dress.

She'd wear a dress for Seulgi any day.

"You give me love, love, love. I'm crazy for you, love." Seulgi's pretty voice sang only to her as they danced, and Irene let out a giggle as she kissed her thoroughly.

 

 

---

 

 

"Calm down sweetie, calm down." Seulgi's father, Sang Hoon, his daughter's hair as she sobbed against his chest. The girl's mother appeared over her husband's office and frowned at the image of her daughter crying, though with a simple look of Sang Hoon, she nodded and decided to go the kitchen to make Seulgi some tea.

Seulgi had gotten home late that night. Irene invited her over to the Kim's house to talk, and the almond-eyed girl had been having a strange, heavy feeling over her heart all day as if she knew something bad was about to happen. Either way, she managed to keep herself calm, knowing that it was just Irene, her little bunny, her Irene. There was no reason to be scared.

"Okay, Irene, next joke." Seulgi let out a nervous laugh as they sat on Irene's small bed, knowing she had to be kidding. But why, calling her over just to play with her feelings, or just to joke around? This wasn't Irene.

"I'm not joking." Irene's lips pressed together as she let out a small sniff. Seulgi had never, ever seen her cry before, and seeing her bright eyes filling up with tears meant that she was indeed dead serious, even if it was completely, utterly surreal.

Seulgi blinked her own tears away when she didn't even realize she was crying in the first place. Her heart ached with each throb it took, and it felt like her whole world had been taken away from her. A day ago, she wouldn't mind if the feet above her ground disappeared, because she would still have Irene, but now...

"My dad sent me to move in here when I told him about me... Mr. and Mrs. Kim being so welcoming even when they didn't have to... It was all a plan, I..." Irene's voice failed, and so did Seulgi's heartbeat.

"S-So you're just gonna do it?" Seulgi questioned, wanting her voice to sound angry and strong, though it came out weak and sad. "You're just going to dress up all pretty in a wedding d-dress, and you're gonna go down the damn aisle and just... M-Marry Jun Myeon? That's it?" and chest hurt so, so much she swore she was about to collapse by any minute. In fact, she prayed she would, she prayed she'd just fall down dead, to a world where she wouldn't have to face Irene ever again. "What about college? What about playing cello? What about... What about me?" Seulgi hated how pathetic she sounded and how pathetic she made her feel.

"Do you think this is easy on me?" Irene pointed her hands to her own chest, and finally, her proud, big tears fell, just as hurt as Seulgi. "I didn't choose this, Seulgi, you know me, you know who I truly am, and I would never, ever ..."

"Wouldn't you?" Finally, Seulgi's voice high pitched, showing just how angry and incredibly sad she was. "I'm not sure if I know the real you anymore. Because my Irene, the timid but brave Irene would really, never, ever accept this. She'd... She'd tell me to run away with her, and leave everyone behind..." Seulgi's throat closed once more in more tears, even more heartbroken knowing that Irene wouldn't do that, or she would've already kissed her and told her to pack her bags.

"Seulgi, I -" Irene's hands reached out for Seulgi's arms, but she moved away from her embrace. It hurt her terribly thinking this was the last chance she had to touch Irene, to hug her, kiss her, hold her hand...

"Don't bother." Seulgi sniffed, grabbing her bag with shaky hands, wondering how she'd even walk home on her state. "I wish you and Jun Myeon the best of luck." She nodded, not daring to meet Irene in the eye. She never wanted to look into her eyes again. "But I don't want to see you again. Don't come looking for me. You owe me, at least that." She closed the door behind her and silently left the house, that damn house, and Irene behind.

Once Seulgi got home, she immediately threw herself into her daddy's arms; he was sitting at his usual armchair in his office. He was reading the paper when she came to sob against his chest, and she was glad for the small comfort she received. They stood like that for what seemed hours when it really just a few minutes had passed. She could smell her mother's tea.

"I never... I didn't even tell her I loved her." She said sadly, her cheek brushing against her father's coat. She didn't want him to answer, not really, and anyway, she was saying it more to herself than to anyone else.

 

 

---

 

 

It had been four months already, four months since she lost the reason she had been so happy just a while ago, though it didn't hurt any less.

She finally took the courage to read the paper. It had arrived at the door of their house just like it did every day, but this one was from two months ago. Her fingertips brushed against the gray pages until she met the Wedding Column, where the local paper announced recently wedded couples with their pictures, and there it was.

Seulgi was right: she looked so gorgeous in a wedding dress, and with her hair up, and with make-up on, even when she looked way more beautiful running wild and free, a way Jun Myeon would never get to know her.

That was when it hit her: Irene's small wrist, a wrist she had kissed many times before, was completely blank. Just skin, pure skin, with a very small scar on it, a scar that took place of the little black heart they had tattooed together on Irene's eighteenth birthday. She had so many gorgeous memories of that day, how she kissed Irene's wrist (and mouth) better over and over when they reached her place, or how they shared ice cream. Irene slept over, and they cuddled until the sun appeared on Seulgi's window.

Maybe, Jun Myeon had made her do it. (That's what Seulgi liked to think anyway because the possibility of Irene getting their tattoo removed hurt too much for her to bear).

Once again, the almond-eyed girl was filled with such strength of sadness she didn't even think it was possible, though she was getting used to it. She would never forget Irene or any of the moments they shared, but she hoped one day she'd think of Irene and feel absolutely nothing.

 

 

---

 

 

She had to leave.

This was her big shot, her huge chance of becoming what she had always dreamt of, a singer, like her beloved BoA. Seulgi had been accepted to Seoul National University, the college of her dreams, and although she still mourned at the thought it was the college of their dreams, Irene is a housewife now, she had her own life, and as hard as the past year had been, she was now comfortably numb.

Taking a last look at the red buttoned dress, she closed her last suitcase, dragging two of them out of the room.

Despite all the memories of a lifetime, she didn't look back.

 

 

---

 

 

Kim Joo Hyun looked around, sighing in relief at how quiet her household was. She watched the TV in the lowest volume, afraid to interrupt her own inner thoughts.

After the rushed wedding, she and Jun Myeon moved into a nice house in the antique neighborhoods of the city. As crazy as it seemed, Jun Myeon was a good shoulder to cry on; he had always been a good friend, and she couldn't blame him for what her father had done to her, neither his parents. After ten years of being married to a man she would never romantically love, they had learned how to pretend when necessary.

With Jun Myeon taking over his father's job they lived a very comfortable life, and as much as the old Irene would be disgusted by that idea, Irene settled down. She didn't go to college, and she never found a job, either. Her therapist insisted she should take antidepressant pills just in case since she had a tendency to go down that road, but she refused. She was paying for her sins, paying for refusing the love of her life the only thing she had ever wanted from her: for them to be together always, no matter what happened. She was a coward, a huge coward. She should've tried... She should've told Seulgi to pack her bags, and they would've made it, they would've made it anywhere because with Seulgi, she was always home. Now, it was way too late for any of that, and all that was left was regret.

Things became easier. Jun Myeon and she went on with their pretending game; she played the good wife character, and him, the proud good husband. Irene still cried over Seulgi, every day before she went to bed, and she would eventually fall asleep with Jun Myeon comforting her or when her tears sung her to sleep. Each day, her desire to call her or write her overcame her body, although she had made a promise all those years ago, a silent promise, that she would never look for her again, in any way. Even if she did, Seulgi had much more to do, now: Right after she graduated from Seoul National University she made into the business, with concerts here and there. Now, everyone wanted to meet Kang Seulgi, go to her concerts, buy her albums, and wear the same clothes.

The day that Jun Myeon's parents, her father, and the rest of society pressed them into having children finally came, not that she hadn't been expecting it: By the time she got pregnant it was around 2018 after all, and the world's mind was still tightly closed, especially on that small town on the inner country. Women had to have children, at least one. Her night with Jun Myeon had been her first and her last. She never wanted to sleep with anyone ever again, not another man, and not another woman, since the only one she had ever wanted was too far away from her reach. She gave birth to their only daughter in April 2019, and she was thankful that Jun Myeon never questioned any of her decisions after that happened. He was still her good friend Jun Myeon, and he liked this no better than she did.

They both loved the kid, though, and Irene was glad her only child had a good life, one much, much better than she had, and a good education, an open-minded education. Seulgi would be proud of her for having a daughter, she likes to think, even if it terribly hurt her to have conceived her (more than she liked to admit, she still held her pride, after all), and have given birth to her.

"Mama, what are you doing?" She heard Su-ji's soft voice beside the couch and completely shut down the TV's volume.

"Just... Watching some TV, honey pie." Irene patted the couch beside her, and the seven-year-old shot her a big smile when her eyes met the image on the TV. "That's Kang Seulgi."

"Yes, that's her." Irene bit her lip as the recording on the screen showed her so talented love softly singing a song of her own.

"I love her." Su-ji beamed, sighing happily as she leaned against the couch and watched the screen with attention.

Irene smiled sadly, turning up the volume as her thumb brushed against the scar left by the tattoo removal. "I love her too, kiddo, I love her so much, too."