Minji is thinking of ending things.

The way she had already sensed it, and maybe she shouldn’t have encountered the thought and let it linger in her and by then, maybe things would've changed. Siyeon is drifting away and she could only hope that it’s all just in her head. It is what scares her. How her intuition has been, most of the time, right. And she doesn't want to acknowledge whatever her gut says because it feels good. 

It feels so good when Siyeon loves her. When Siyeon seems like she loves her.

When Siyeon's words are sweet and heartwarming, and she nuzzles her face against Minji's neck as she whispers them only for her to hear. When Siyeon's gestures make her feel that Minji's all she needs. When Siyeon looks at her as if nobody could ever replace her.

It feels so good when Siyeon's love is calm. When Siyeon is not angry. 

"I was just mad!"

"About what, Siyeon? Me wanting space because I lost my aunt?" 

"Minji…"

"You didn't even ask how I am feeling. You wanted me to be all sweet while I was mourning?"

"Even before she died, you were so distant…"

"Because it's suffocating! Acting so fine when I have things to worry about. You always expect me to be like this and that. You want me to get over things so quickly just because you apologized! " Minji frustratedly combs her hair, trying too hard to just calmly speak and not raise her voice.

"And even if you were mad… that does not give you the excuse to say that you want someone new, Singnie. You don't say that and tell me you love me."

Siyeon did not say anything, just looking away like she always does. Like you never know if she truly understands or she just wants you to stop talking. And seeing the familiar gesture pains Minji. It pains her and still, if Siyeon asks, she will give in. Just one look and she'll let Siyeon in again. She will always let Siyeon in.

-

It was the same statements all over again, the same promises that were always broken, like it’s only there for Siyeon to say but to never be kept. And still, every time Minji hears them, it always feels sincere, like hearing the Siyeon she met two years ago, the Siyeon who had promised to always gently hold Minji’s heart close to hers.

“Minji… I’m so sorry. Please. Let’s fix this, hm?” 

“I don’t know, Siyeon…”

“Please. I… Let’s talk it out. Just don’t go. Please.” Siyeon almost kneels, her hands tightly gripping Minji’s.

So Minji nods when Siyeon refuses to let her go. She stays with her, holding Siyeon in her arms. Holding her like nothing happened and she isn’t bleeding inside. Kissing her and wishing she couldn’t taste because all she could discern is nothing but bitterness, and she felt like throwing up. Yet she smiled. She smiles as Siyeon hugs her tighter, because just the thought of leaving  makes her blood run cold. That this harsh taste is better than nothing at all.

If Siyeon asks, she will surely give in.

If Siyeon asks, she will still let her in. 

-

Things aren’t always easy to forget. They could haunt you. 

Things could or could not change… and Minji is scared, like everyday with Siyeon felt like she’s walking on glass - one wrong move and everything will break… everything would shatter. 

Siyeon’s words are like chants in her mind and it ruins things for her. It makes her hesitate and doubt, makes her think that everything isn’t real anymore. That anytime soon, Siyeon will get tired.

And Minji is afraid of being left alone.

“You bought this for me?” Siyeon asked, her eyes obviously admiring the pants she’s holding.

“Yeah. Belated birthday gift.”

“Thank you so much.” 

Minji only nods at her with a smile, before making her way to the kitchen to prepare the food she bought. Siyeon doesn’t follow her. She doesn’t run to Minji and gives her a big hug and pepper her with kisses. She doesn’t hear her call her friends to boast what Minji just did today. 

“I’ll be back later. It’s my friend’s birthday.”

When Minji looks up, Siyeon is already gone. And once again, the room is dead silent. She knew that later means she won't make it to dinner. That night, Minji eats at the dining table alone.

Maybe it’s her fault for stopping herself from looking so proud. For not letting her eyes show how she wanted to scream ‘I love you’ over and over again. Maybe it’s her fault of stepping away, making Siyeon do the same. Maybe it’s her fault for not forgetting. For being so scared. 

-

So this is the feeling.

The feeling when you finally let your eyes open. When you finally let yourself see.

When the reality you’ve been trying so hard to protect isn’t the truth anymore.

When you finally realize that your sun has set.

And you wait and wait, yet it doesn’t rise for you anymore.

No new beginnings, not even the moon to light up your dark cold nights.

So this is the feeling.

When you find yourself reaching the end you never thought existed for the both of you.

-

Minji wished that she had kissed Siyeon for the last time. She wished she had hugged her, at least tried to imprint in her mind the scent she knew she’ll soon forget. She wished she had stayed a little more instead of walking away or answered at least one of her texts and calls. But she knew that if she had, she would only end up giving them another chance she’s too afraid to be wasted. Minji wanted to berate herself for being such a coward but she knew it all too well that she isn’t. She was strong for stepping away. She was strong for not letting herself break further. 

-

Maybe scrolling through her social media accounts when she promised Bora not to open them anytime soon was a wrong choice. It’s funny - what she saw. Of course, Siyeon could find another. Siyeon would find another.  

And she thought she’d already shed all the tears her eyes could ever produce but still she found herself crying. She cries at how unfair it is. For Siyeon to just easily move forward and start anew, and when it was Minji who broke it off but she’s the one who’s stuck. Stuck at the life they had and would have created together, clinging so tightly to the memories, the dreams they drew and hoped they would reach together, everything. 

She’s stuck at how beautiful and heart-rending