--- Dec 23, 2020 ---

Crazy. She's going crazy. This is all crazy.

She'd had enough. They shouldn't have come back. They should've just stayed at Seoul, buried the memories in their mind.

They were happy. And Bora is ruining it. All because of her . All because she let herself go weak again.

Bora clutched the hem of her shirt as she shut her eyes tight. She could still hear her voice. She could clearly remember her eyes. The delicate look in her eyes. Her chest tightened as memories from the past flashed through her head.

This needs to stop. It's gone. All over. All gone.

"Bora?"

She just wanted her chest to stop hurting. To stop remembering it all. But fate doesn't seem to let her.

She took her coat hanging on the room's door and quickly put it on. She didn't bother if she looked like a mess. She used to look worse.

"Where are you going?"

"Walk."

"It's late, Bora. It's cold outside."

"Go back to sleep."

“You can’t do this-- Bora!”

She shut the door tight. There's only one place she could think of. She's never ready but she had to see her . She had to see Siyeon again.

 

--- Nov 2020 ---

She hesitated so many times if she should actually agree to go back to her hometown. And yet how selfish could she be, at least she would see Yoohyeon and Yubin again. Her friends, especially Yoohyeon, had been flooding her with messages of how they miss her so much already. 

Not that she’s doing it on purpose of not coming home. Kind of . But her schedule’s actually hectic with all the interviews and promotions. And now she’s here. Being home felt familiar, yet also somehow different. But she’s not here to feel the difference . She wouldn’t want to feel it. At least, Minji’s here.

It was already their third night. Her friends have decided to set a karaoke at home - meaning Yoohyeon and Yubin's place, and drink. Bora rolled her eyes at the idea. She doesn't like drinking but definitely in for some singing. It’s what she does for a living anyways. 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come?”

“Hundred percent. I won’t get in trouble. I promise.”

“Be quick and be safe.” Minji then kissed her cheek and smiled.

She walked for a while, looking around and noticing the changes. She missed how fresh the air is in their hometown. She barely gets to go out for a walk in Seoul and when she does, the air isn’t even that refreshing. She spots a cafe that seems familiar with the sign yet she’s sure she’s never seen it before. And since she’s out to buy some coffee, she decided to check the cafe out.

Lilla Paradis? Purple Paradise?

“Good evening! How can I help you?” The girl was smiling brightly at her and Bora thought for a moment that she'd already seen her somewhere. Her name plate says ‘Gahyeon’ .

“Uhm, I don’t have a specific drink in mind... “

“Will it be fine for you if I offer our cafe’s specialty?”

“That would be great.”

“Your name is?”

“Bora. “

“Oohh, lilla.. . Alright! Lilla Paradis ’s specialty for Bora!”

Bora decided to sit on the nearest table to the counter as she waited for her order. Everything about the cafe felt familiar and it’s starting to get funny for her. She looked around and everything was colored with different light shades of purple. That’s when she heard something even way more familiar. 

 

You're music to my eyes

I had to listen just to find you

I'd like for you to let me sing along

Give you a rhythm you feel

 

She tried to busy herself with her phone so she wouldn't focus on the song but it just seemed to get louder. She suddenly wanted to leave and mentally cursed as she saw that Gahyeon was still preparing. 

 

I wanna learn your every line

I wanna fill your empty spaces

I want to play the part to reach your heart

Sing you a song that you feel, oh

 

She couldn't be wrong. The song surely is famous and has a lot of covers but why does it have to be this certain cover.

 

Love, let your music be mine

Sing while I harmonize

Let your melodies fly in my direction

Take me to your paradise

On a musical ride

I'm in love with your music, baby

You're music to my eyes

 

It's clearly her voice. And worse, Bora's sure that this version was never released anywhere to be just played randomly over someone's new cafe. 

Bora racked her brain and tried to piece everything together. Purple. Paradise. Gahyeon.  

"Miss Bora, your order's ready!"

Purple. Paradise. Gah-

"Gahyeon-ah, I'm here!"

No. No way.

"Unnie! What did I say about shouting?"

How did I forget about Gahyeon? 

"You had no custo-- Oh! My apologies miss."

Run. Bora, leave. She had no choice but to turn and face the woman who just arrived.

"Bora?"

This can't be happening. She can't be here.

"Siyeon…"

The other girl was frozen, her eyes wide in shock. Bora suddenly regretted leaving her friends. She should've just stayed and drank or should've just let Minji come with her.

"I'm sorry. I need to leave." Bora placed some money on the table and rushed her way out. She did not even bother to claim her order.

"Bora! Wait!"

She ran and ran, not even knowing where she's heading to. She felt the familiar pain on her chest and let her tears fall. She turned to corners and finally let herself sit in front of a convenience store. She then took her phone out and pressed the speed-dial.

"Bora! Where are you?! You said you'll be quick-- Bora?? Are you crying? Where are you? Baby?"

"M-minji. Pick me up… Take me home, p-please…"

 

--- 2016 ---

"Bora! Oh my gosh you're gonna like this!"

"What, Yoohyeon? Let me clean up in peace." Bora groaned as she sat in front of the mirror.

The backstage room was a chaos. The other performers were packing and some of the bar's crews were getting ready for their shift.

"Someone wants to meet you!" Yoohyeon said, grinning while wiggling her eyebrows.

"You know I have no time for that. What the hell, Yooh! I just broke up with Brian!" 

"Oh come on! ‘Just’?? It’s been years, don't be such a killjoy. I'm calling her, wait here!" with that, off Yoohyeon went.

"Yooh-" Her?

Bora let out another groan and decided to just take her hygiene kit out. The restrooms are probably full so she had to undo her makeup at the staff room.

"Come on, Bora. Let off some steam~'' Hwasa, one of the waitresses joked.

"What if that person saw your performance? Maybe she was just so amazed!" Chungha, another waitress and dancer, added.

"Really? You all know that no one really pays such attention to singers here unless I go wear what you all wear and serve or dance too!" Bora said.

She finally let her hair down, and removed the bobby pins with the help of one of the dancers.

"Ouch." Joy made a face, putting a hand on her chest.

"Bora, you dance too!" Seungyeon said.

"I stopped dancing. And come on, girls. You know what I mean."

"Bora! She's here!"

Bora rolled her eyes and didn't even bother to look up. She heard gasps which admittedly made her a little curious. But if this woman is just one of those people again, she's probably not gonna let herself stay with them in a room for more than an hour. 

"So... Bora?" 

Right. She's right. She could smell, even with her back facing the woman. She looked up from the mirror and was surprised. She didn't actually expect someone like her to appear at a bar. Moreover, wanting to see her. 

"Siyeon?"

"Oh you know me? You... know Siyeon!"

"Everybody knows you." Bora said, finally facing the girl. 

Yoohyeon had pulled a seat and placed it beside Bora. She then gestured to Siyeon to sit and turned to the other girls who are still in awe. Even with the protests, Yoohyeon did her best to give the two girls some space.

She can't believe Lee Siyeon is here. A famous band vocalist. Quite underrated but she's sure, a lot of people has listened to Siyeon's songs. Bora didn't actually expect that the rumor about this girl consuming alcohol like water is actually true.

"Well, I'm sure... a lot.. not.. no... not everyone does?"

"Siyeon, you're an artist. But what brings you here?" 

"Letting off... uh, some.... some steam?"

Bora tried not to make a face but the odor wasn't helping. It was already too late when she saw Siyeon's frown, probably because of the expression Bora just made.

"O-oh.. sorry... Sorry for.. f-for uh the smell..."

"Are you drunk?"

"Huh? Me? No, I mean I think? I'm pretty sure just tipsy though…"

Bora looked at her skeptically before turning back to the mirror. She took out her makeup remover and some cotton pads. She could feel Siyeon's eyes on her and she swore she could see her pout.

"What is it, Siyeon?"

"You don't seem too happy to see me."

"What makes you think that way?"

"Well, you... you didn't ask for a picture or anything? And... you were surprised... but not... not smiling? You know?" 

Bora stopped wiping her face, not even bothered with the way she looks. She looked at Siyeon through the mirror, not sure if she should laugh or what. The girl's eyes weren't on her anymore, still the frown was there.

"Not everyone wants something from you, Siyeon..."

"Y-you're right... I hope some people actually don't... Would've felt... better.."

"You should go home and take some-"

"I like your voice. You have the emotions when you sing. I like it. It's beautiful." 

Bora looked at her, surprised. Siyeon was looking at her, eyes almost drooping, yet she didn't stutter.

"You do?"

"I do. I heard you sing. I told Yoohyeon and she said that I should meet you. I wasn't so sure but I'm glad I'm here."

Almost inaudible, yet again, no stutter.

"Thank you." 

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"I don't drink. Actually, I'm about to go home."

"Oh, sorry. Then… uh, can I take you home?"

Bora sighed. She was unsure of what actually is going on. A drunk girl, asking her to drink or to take her home?

"Siyeon. You're drunk."

"Oh, no! No! Not me… I meant, my driver. I am with my driver."

She went back to wiping her face and it was quiet for a while. She could feel Siyeon looking around while humming some sort of tune.

"Sure. Let me finish cleaning up, first."

"Great. I'll, uh, wait for you outside."

Bora could hear the smile on the girl's tune. Siyeon then left Bora all alone in the room. Why did she agree? She doesn't actually know. Maybe the small fact that someone finally chose to appreciate her voice first. 

Or maybe how Siyeon's eyes looked so innocent and soft, despite the strong and sharp features she got, that Bora didn't have the heart to reject just a simple request.

 

--- Nov 2020 ---

“What are you doing here?!” 

“Oh, wow. So your best friend isn’t allowed in here anymore?”

Yoohyeon tried to block her friend but she couldn’t deny that Bora is far stronger than her. She sighed as she watched her best friend find an empty booth on the dimmer side of the bar. She followed her after getting a drink and sending a quick message to her girlfriend about Bora.

“You’re gonna get in trouble, please.” Yoohyeon said as she placed the drinks before sitting on the opposite of her friend.

“I’m not, Yooh. Please. I just need this.”

“What if someone recognizes you?”

“I’m an adult. I can drink. I won’t get drunk. I swear.”

“You don’t drink, Bora.”

Bora just looks at her and again, Yoohyeon sighed. There’s definitely something wrong.

“She’s here, Yoohyeon-ah. She’s here.”

“I thought you don’t care anymore.”

“I thought so too.”

 

--- 2016 ---

“You’re here again. You’re giving your manager a hard time.” Bora said, serving the drinks.

Siyeon just smiled and started drinking the first glass. Bora was about to leave but Siyeon was quick to grab the girl’s wrist.

“Talk to me.”

“I’m working.”

“I can pay Yoohyeon for this night.” 

“You won’t do that.” Bora said seriously.

“I already did.” 

Bora looked over Yoohyeon who was at the counter and when their eyes met, Yoohyeon just gave her a big grin before accommodating a new customer on the counter. She scoffed at her best friend’s antics, placing the tray on the table. Bora then just sat in front of the girl and watched her drink her third glass.

She honestly couldn’t take the smell, ironic when she’s working at a restobar. She had no choice though. She had to juggle jobs since her mother literally spends all the money she gets to drink, nothing left for her. She needs to work to live. Yoohyeon then offered her a job at her restobar, letting her work once a week. It’s funny how alcohol ruined her family and now she’s spending the night with another drunkard.

“How did you even know Yoohyeon? How come I didn’t know you were friends?”

“I used to go here often. Not many people care about who I am. Safe.”

Bora just nodded. She just recently got into her job here. She heard that Siyeon’s out of town for more than a month and came back here for some gigs. She was busy fumbling on her apron until she heard two knocks on the table. She looked up and saw Siyeon pushing a drink in front of her but she shook her head.

“Come on, it’s sweet.”

“I know. I work here.”

Siyeon pouted with the response, not satisfied. Bora looked at her with an amused look and just shook her head. Siyeon surely acts like a child for someone who’s drunk. At least she’s not the violent type, Bora thought.

“You know what?”

“Hmmm…”

“Let’s just get out of here?” Siyeon suggested and Bora just looked at her, confused and surprised.

“You’re giving me that look again. Come on. I wanna spend time with you and you don’t like the smell of alcohol, so? Let’s just gooo?”

Bora was surprised with the statement. She hesitated for a moment because she was supposed to be working. Well, the girl had paid Yoohyeon for her time so she obviously wanted to be with Bora. 

“Okay. Let’s go.”

 

••

“Bora?”

“Hmm?”

“Can you sing for me?”

“We’re at a parking lot, Siyeon.”

“Pleaseee?” Siyeon whined.

The taller girl tried to pull her up but Bora just shook her head, laughing at the whining girl. Siyeon surely surprises her. For the few weeks they have been spending together, she’d seen the side of Siyeon that people actually don’t know about. Whiney and innocent. She whined like A LOT. And Bora discovered that she hadn’t experienced much fun in life because she entered the industry as a teen.

“I don’t hear your voice anymore. Come on, sing for me~”

“It’s not my fault. You won’t let me work at Yoohyeon’s anymore.”

“You can sing even if you’re not working. You sound great!”

Bora lifted a brow, smiling. Siyeon is now sitting in front of her, holding an ice cream with pleading eyes. For the nth time that night, Bora laughed because of Siyeon.

“Alright, alright. Which song though?”

“Hmm… anything will do! But I wanna hear your song? The jazz one? Yeah! That one!”

“Alright, then.”

 

Through the descending red light

I feel your eyes ah

 Endlessly entranced by my humming

You give me sweet looks

 

Did you slip in through open doors and sit down

Just to look at me like that every day

 When our two eyes meet I want to stop singing

And draw closer to whisper oh nah

 

Bora sang the verses, doing some little dances to the tune. Siyeon never took her eyes off Bora as she watched the girl sing with a big smile on her face. Soon she was standing too, dancing with Bora.

 

I feel I love you

Oh I love you

Oh I like you

Do I know you? Oh ah

 

I think I love you 

Oh I love you 

Oh I like you 

Maybe you’ll feel it, too

 

“Alright that’s enough, your driver’s looking at us.”

“But I want more~” Siyeon said, sitting back on the open backside of her van.

“There’ll be more next time. For now, let’s finish our food first and get you home.” Bora sat beside the girl, picking up her ice cream which was almost melted.

“I don’t wanna go home.” Siyeon whispered.

“I know you don’t but you need to rest. You can’t keep on drinking until you pass out.”

“Hmm, okay then. If that’s what you want.”

 

••

“I miss Gahyeon.”

“Who’s Gahyeon?” 

“She’s uh… my little sister.”

“Why is she not with you?”

“She’s mad at me. Can’t blame her though. 

I never had time for her… and all I do is drink. 

One day she got so fed up, she left my apartment 

and never came back. *sighs* ”

“Have you tried talking to her?”

“I always did. But she never answers my calls.”

“In person?”

“I think I’m a coward.”

“You should try.”

“...”

“And also try to change… for your sister…”

“Hmm,”

“...”

“Bora?”

“Yes?”

“Can I see you tomorrow?”

“Siyeon, you’re in Japan.”

“But… I miss you.”

“You’ll see me when you get back.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. Now go to sleep. You need your energy for tomorrow.”

“Alright. Good night Bboya~”

“ *laughs* Good night, Siyeon. Rest well.”

 

••

“Wow, she listens to you well.”

Bora was surprised to see Handong, Siyeon’s manager, standing beside her. She’d seen her a few times when Siyeon took her to some small events but they didn't actually talk. Just shared smiles and that’s it.

“What do you mean?”

“She actually didn’t wanna come tonight, but you managed to convince her.”

“Aah..”

“I’m sorry, I know you had to work.”

“It’s okay. I mean she doesn’t actually take the important times…”

Siyeon looked over at them and then waved with a big grin on her face. The two girls waved back, with Bora chuckling at how cute Siyeon is. Siyeon went back to tuning her guitar and this time, Handong turned to face Bora, to properly talk.

“Can I offer you something? Would you want to work with us?”

“Huh? I’m sorry. What do you mean?”

“Initially, it’s just about keeping Siyeon to work. You know she can get so stubborn and she would even try to escape. But now, all she does is talk about you… And recently, she showed me your work.”

“What work?”

“Jazz Bar. She showed it to the band and they liked your work. We could get you to record your song.”

“Wait, what? Are you serious?”

“Do I look like I am joking?” Handong laughed, letting Bora process what she just said.

“Think about it. I heard that this is your dream. You should take it.” Handong added, patting her shoulders.

 

••

“Bora, this is Minji. Minji, meet Bora.”

Bora shook hands with the said girl and turned to Siyeon wide eyed. Siyeon just gave her a thumbs up, smiling wide. She's heard a lot about Minji. She could say that she's so amazed with the songs written and produced by the girl.

“Hi Bora! It’s great to finally meet you! Singnie talks about you a lot!”

“Singnie?”

“Oh, it’s Siyeon’s nickname! She looks so emo and intimidating outside but she’s a total baby. I’m sure you know that by now.”

Siyeon rolled her eyes at the statement and gestured that she’s leaving the room for a while. The two girls giggled and nodded at her.

“Oh, that is absolutely true.” Bora laughed.

Siyeon had told her a few stories about Minji. She never actually thought that Minji and Siyeon were friends since they were teens. That explains why aside from Gahyeon, it’s Minji who she talks about.

“So let’s get to work!”

Bora took out her notebook and phone and let Minji read and listen to the songs she wrote and composed. Minji seemed satisfied with her works and only marked a few lines and parts that she thinks they should improve.

“Wow! I’m honestly impressed!”

“My dad was in a band and we used to spend our time singing his songs or creating new ones.”

“That’s cool! Now, we know where you got the talent.” Minji beamed at her, making Bora smile too. There’s just something about the girl’s cheerful aura and bright smile that made her smile too.

“Sadly, he’s not here anymore”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” 

Like magic, Minji’s bright smile turned into a pout, her eyes sad, placing a hand above Bora’s. Bora was surprised with the contact. And when she tried to search the girl’s eyes, trying to see if the girl’s faking it, all she could see was sadness. As if Minji had known her for a long time, empathizing with whatever she’s feeling.

“It’s fine. It’s been a long time.” Bora smiled at the girl, patting the hand above hers. 

Minji looked at her as if asking her if it really is fine, and that made Bora chuckle softly. 

“Seriously, Minji. I’m good. I’m happy with the people I have right now.”

There was a short silence until Minji broke it, reaching for both of Bora’s hands.

“Just so you know, you can always tell me anything that bothers or worries you. It’s important to know that you have someone to trust especially in this type of industry. Not that I’m saying that you should trust me, we just met. Well, you could. I’m not the type of person who will betray you. Singnie can affirm that. Just know that I can be your friend. Oh God, I sound like I’m forcing myself to you. This is emba--”

“Minji, chill. You’re good. We’re good.”

Bora gave her a smile, amused by the fact that they just met a few hours ago and the girl’s already comfortable with her. Well, her too. She admits that she might have already believed Minji’s words. She feels like Minji could be really trusted. They indeed could be very good friends.

“It’s nice to meet you, Minji.”

 

--- 2017 ---

Bora knelt down on the sidewalk as she tried to pick up her clothes that were scattered on the ground. She wiped her tears that kept on flowing. She knew her mother actually didn't care about her but getting kicked out of your own home, where you had your best memories with your dad, hurts like hell. She knew she couldn’t go back anymore unless she wanted to get hit by those flying bottles and plates.

She didn’t know whatever mistake she's ever made for her own mother to hate her. Maybe the fact that her mom loved her father more that she gets the blame for why he died. It’s not her fault though, they all know it’s his. He was the nicest man, the best dad to Bora, but he has issues. He suffered complications in his health because he won’t stop drinking. And now her own mother’s doing the same, and she can’t do anything about it.

She had tried calling Yoohyeon but the girl is probably at work. Yubin is probably driving. And just as she was about to bawl another set of tears, her phone rang indicating a call from the last person she ever wanted to bother.

“Hey, you’re not coming tonight?” 

“I.. I can’t…I’m--”

“Are you okay? You don’t sound so well.”

“I’m… I don’t know... Siyeon