It's just a big, bloated box, and yet, Taeyong feels suffocating the moment he tries to open its lid.

 

Why wouldn't he be? After all the commotion and the devastating news about his best friend passing away, his world has literally fallen apart.

 

The pain is unbearable, especially that he hasn't seen the younger for approximately five years since his disappearance.

 

He badly wants to see him again, and when Doyoung really did return, he was never the same way before for he was already lying inside a cold marble coffin, breathless and extremely pale with no trace of life left inside his resting frame.

 

Five years ago, Doyoung disappeared when the snow was just starting to fall from the sky. Taeyong never liked the winter, and he didn't realize that it would be the very same season that would probably haunt him for the rest of his life.

 

Jungwoo gave him a strange big box right after the fallen angel's funeral ceremony. The said male didn't say anything but, 'It's from him. He wants you to have it as soon as he dies.'

 

He ignored the fact that Jungwoo might have an idea about Kim Doyoung's disappearance because in the first place, how would he even get that strange box? Nonetheless, Taeyong was the last person to leave the funeral. Not even the rain could stop his woebegone soul, and when he did return to his home, his husband could not comfort him.

 

He feels sorry for caging inside his room for the next painful hours, leaving Yuta alone in the living room. Right now, he just wants to be on his own for the torture is still there, continuously tormenting his mind as it spreads all over his body like a bloody pestilence.

 

There's a note that is plastered on the lid:

 

Miracles upon Miracles: A recollection of Lee Taeyong and Kim Dongyoung's memories

Before you bury this at the peak of Mount Jirisan where we first met, I want you to open this box first :)

• Doyoungie

 

Taeyong caresses the note with his trembling hands. He bites his lower lip for another batch of tears is about to fall from his swollen eyes. He takes a deep breath before finally opening the lid which takes his breath away upon seeing the contents of the box.

 

It's filled up to the brim, and Taeyong could only think of one thing about it: The box is meant to be a time capsule since it contains a lot of things that Doyoung and he had either collected, bought, or even made during those twenty-seven years of their friendship.

 

He slithers his fingers across its contents. Taeyong hears himself choking as he pulls a familiar CD case that has a masking tape plastered on its cover where his messy handwriting can be seen. It was his and Doyoung's first-ever recording, the same song Taeyong had written about his life. He personally invited his best friend to sing the track with him, and together they passed their major exam in their Recording classes.

 

Taeyong opens the case and sees another sticky note pasted on the CD itself:

 

Do you remember the first time we recorded 'Yestoday?' The professors were astounded about the lyrics since you write so well, Yong-ah. I'm very honored to work with you. Since that day, you have always invited me to sing for the demo versions of your songs.

I never felt bothered by it for I cherished every single day we spent inside the recording studio. I enjoyed working with you, Tae.

 

Everything he said was true. The next things that the weeping male sees are the rest of the recordings they made from Taeyong's debut as an official producer up to his final years as a part-time choreographer before fully focusing on music composition. Taeyong looks at the remaining CDs one by one. Some of the demos he did with his best friend became successful and were performed by famous artists, while some weren't. Either way, he didn't regret producing those tracks, especially that Doyoung was the sole reason why he kept on having the burst of inspiration every time he creates his masterpieces.

 

The next thing he sees is a picture frame containing a photo of him and his best friend when they were still college students. They were wearing bright smiles on their faces with two shiny medals hanging around their respective necks:

 

Do you remember this, Tae? We were third years when we managed to win the respective championships in the Major League. Your soccer team claimed its first-ever championship, so as our volleyball team. We were dubbed as 'Best friend champions', or something cheesy like friendship goals. Eww. Anyway, I was so ecstatic and couldn't be prouder for the both of us.

We spent two heartbreaking years of losses during our rookie and sophomore years, only to be rewarded afterward thanks to our sacrifices through blood, sweat, and tears.

Once a champion, always a champion.

I miss seeing you play, Captain Lee :(

 

"Y-Yeah..." Taeyong whispers particularly to no one, "Y-You were bawling, Do-yah. I can still remember when you practically kowtowed on the floor the moment you guys were declared as champions." He traces his finger across the dusty trophy right beside the picture frame, "Those were the nostalgic days, Do."

 

Taeyong also finds the friendship bracelet he gave Doyoung when they were in their fifth grade. Unfortunately, it was already rusty and broken the duo never had the chance to replace it again.

 

I'm so sorry I broke the bracelet you gave to me, Yong-ah. At least I didn't throw it away since I really like it.

Nevertheless, I know that you know that I deeply value our friendship. That's just how I really care about you.

It's something that I could always offer to you that's even more precious than a piece of accessory.

 

"You don't have to apologize..." Taeyong sobs as he desperately clutches the remnants of the dilapidated scrap metal, "I-I can buy you more of this, j-just return back, D-Doyoungie!"

 

He continues to dig deeper into the clutter, and the more he sees the items inside the box, the more his voice becomes louder as he continues to shed his tears. All this time, Doyoung had been keeping all the gifts he had given to him – The gray headphones he brought for his sixteenth birthday, his signed varsity jacket that is neatly ironed, the first Final Fantasy game they played together, and even their kindergarten drawings. Each item has respective notes, and Taeyong remembers all of those.

 

How could he not? Doyoung is practically embedded in his memory like a tattoo, and every single day they spent together, no matter how tragic or upheaving it was, had a great impact on Taeyong's life.

 

I cried when the headphone broke, it was my favorite T_T. I never told you that I accidentally splashed it with orange juice until the day we graduated high school, silly, isn't it?

 

"I was disappointed. It cost me several bucks just to purchase that headphone for you." Taeyong sadly smiles in between his sniffing, "Also, relieved because you told me the truth."

 

I almost laughed when you asked me to sign your varsity jacket upon retiring from our respective teams. It was bittersweet but we both know that we must move on and trust our hoobaes in preserving the glory of our teams.

 

"It was memorable." Taeyong comments, "Two years as champions was a blast. I couldn't ask for more."

 

We were both obsessed with Final Fantasy to the point that we spent sleepless nights trying to beat each other's asses. I even begged my mom just to buy me a Playstation set so we could play together.

 

"Even prior to your disappearance you never failed to beat me in Final Fantasy." He mutters, his gaze trailing towards the abandoned Playstation console that is stashed under the television desk, "Do you know that I stopped playing that damn game because it always reminded me of you, D-Doie...?"

 

The teacher was so impressed when she saw us teaming up for this drawing when we were still six. Do you remember this awful drawing we did?

 

Doyoung was referring to a doodle they made. It was a picture of him and Taeyong, holding hands under the sun with a big smile painted on their faces. The drawing was messy, and there were traces of overlapping colors because the duo kept on bantering whether they'll choose purple or blue for the color of their hair. In the end, they chose both, messing up their project even more.

 

Nevertheless, if it wasn't for that drawing, both males would never discover their passion for arts. Doyoung took Multimedia Arts whilst Taeyong majored in Music and Dance during their college days. They shared some classes since they were practically glued on each other like twins.

 

 

 

The next few things he saw are new to his eyes, so he patiently looks at the notes that are plastered on each item, one by one. He finds a small music box before investigating it with his hands. He opens the lid, and immediately, a familiar tone is played in the background.

 

Broken heart oh even if it hurts a lot

The story that we can’t go back to again

This short dream oh your memories

Today that can’t ever be forgotten

If everything is tomorrow then yesterday

 

As the music plays, Taeyong can’t help but sob harder, his throat aching from his excessive weeping. He feels so helpless as he listens to Doyoung's angelic voice playing at the back of his mind.

 

"W-Why are you doing this to me?" Tayong whines. He desperately cradles the music box in his chest, "I-I miss you so much, D-Doyoungie..." He bawls, repeatedly kissing its surface.

 

Jungwoo and I created this beautiful music box. It's such a shame you can't keep it since you don't really need it anyway. If you want to hear me singing that song again, you can always play the track on your playlist, so don't be sad, okay?

 

Taeyong knows that it will be impossible to take his friend's advice. Who knows, he might never listen to that track anymore.

 

There is also a photo book containing some of their old photos, starting from their kindergarten up to their graduating years. Taeyong takes a long look at every photo he sees, and from time to time he sadly smiles as he tries to remember the stories behind those pictures.

 

I was planning to put a second photo book since the first one didn't give justice to those memories we created. With a heavy heart, I chose not to since the box might become heavier thus it will be harder for you to carry once you ascend to the peak of Mount Jirisan.

See? While I'm planing for the contents of this time capsule, I'm still thinking about your well-being. ;)

 

"I don't want these pictures." Taeyong insists, "I want you, Doyoung. I want you to come back to me and never leave my side again."

 

The producer spends another hour checking the items inside the box, and when he reaches the bottom of it, he sees a notebook harmlessly resting beneath the clutter. Just like the other objects, there is a note plastered on its cover:

 

If you're reading this right now, then congratulations! You managed to read all of the notes I made for you.

You needn't read the entries that are written here. Still, if you insist, then thank you, Tae.

 

Taeyong doesn't know why, but he has this sudden urge to open the notebook right after reading the note. With a heavy sigh, he shakily opens the first page.

 

Letters for Tae

December 21, 2014 - December 13, 2019

• With love, Kim Dongyoung

 

Taeyong's heart starts to wreak havoc in his chest. Moreover, there is something that is painfully ringing in his ears. He takes another deep breath before turning the next page.

 

December 21, 2014

Dear Tae,

It's the very first day I decided to disappear, not only from your sight but everyone else's. I know this is a bit selfish for me but this is for the better good, especially that there is something that is definitely bound to happen to me soon.

Knowing you, it won't take too long before you’ll realize that I'm gone. You'll probably find me, but sorry to disappoint you since I’ll never let you find me.

This decision is also hard for me, I hope you understand, Tae.

What's the point of saying these words when in the first place, I have no intention to send these letters to you? I sound really pathetic right now.

Anyway, I wish you'll be doing well.

I'm sorry if I won't be attending your upcoming wedding.

It's not that I don't want to miss the most important moment in your life. It’s just… I can't.

I don't want to be your best man, Tae. Do you know how heartbreaking it was for me? I couldn't say no because it's you, after all. I'll never resist you, even it breaks me apart.

Nevertheless, I'm still a coward. It just so happen that my rehab is going to start soon. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise, but who cares?

I'm glad that I won't be seeing your face anymore, but at the same time, I'm devastated.

Yuta Nakamoto is one hell of a lucky guy. I never got envious in my life but I wish I was him.

Farewell. I love you, Lee Taeyong. That's just the unspoken truth. I've been secretly longing for you ever since we’re kids but I never had the chance to tell you.

You don't need to feel about it. It's my fault for falling so hard on my best friend.

- Doyoung

 

"L-Love...?" Taeyong drops the notebook in his lap, "D-Doyoung l-loved m-me...?"

 

He can’t respond because he’s too busy gasping for air. Taeyong harshly pulls his hair before screaming on top of his lungs, "W-Why... Why did you never tell me, D-Doie... Why?!"

 

Doyoung loved him. His best friend was suffering but he never knew.

 

Was he blind?

 

No... Taeyong isn't that kind of person.

 

"I-I always loved you, until now..." Taeyong barely responds after a moment of silence, "I-I gave up on you because I thought you never felt the same..." He clutches the blanket, his fingers clawing the poor fabric, "I-I gave up on you, Do. I ing gave up on you..."

 

December 28, 2014

Dear Tae,

I never told you why I decided to disappear, right?

Well... The thing is, I don't want you to worry, Tae. There's this secret that I never told you before since I don't want this to influence your decision-making.

Since we were eighteen, I was diagnosed with Eye Cancer. I did a pretty job in hiding it from you, right? Remember those round spectacles that I would always wear? I lied about my eye prescription because my condition was far worse than it seemed. That pretty much explains why I never removed my eyeglasses, or why I seldom changed my contact lenses in front of you.

Your parents knew that I have this terminal illness. I begged them not to tell you since I didn't want you to worry. Anyway, I meekly took my medications, and once a week I sneak out just to have my check-up.

It was painful not to tell you, especially that it was making me depressed. My headaches were terrible, and I would always lie to you about it. I even faked my medical records just so I could continue playing for the volleyball team. It was hard, but I managed to survive college without succumbing to my symptoms.

But then, my condition got worse after graduation. My vision started to get blurry, and shadows and weird spots started to form from my peripheral vision. Once again, I never told my problems except to Jungwoo since he's the only person who knew about my feelings for you.

I don't want you to take pity on me. You’ll do anything just to be by my side and I don't want that to happen. I may be longing for your warmth but I don't want to steal your time. You're also dating Yuta, and I don't want to cause a strain in your relationship.

But hiding didn't solve my problems. The more I hide, the more my illness prevailed. Gradually, my medications became weaker, and my body started resisting the medicines I took.

I was scared but I knew that my life was starting to meet its demise. It was inevitable, so I decided to succumb and took the rehab. I've been pushing back the therapy since I was so scared to be caged inside the hospital. I wanted to live a normal life and to continue seeing you. That also includes my helpless feelings, Tae.

In the end, this is the path I chose. I may be running away, but as I trudge along the thorny path I'm taking, my heart is still aloof and lost.

I couldn't let you go just yet, so let me be selfish for the remaining days of my life.

I'll admire you from a distance, so don't feel sad, okay?

- Doyoung

 

The next pages are still addressed to him. Like what Doyoung had said in the previous letter, he never sent his messages for he was afraid that it might affect Taeyong's thinking.

 

January 1, 2015

Dear Tae,

Happy new year! I'm going to make this short. I hope you are doing fine, Tae. I heard from Jungwoo that you won another award for your latest track. I couldn't be prouder for I always know you'll slay every track you produce.

My chemotherapy just started last December 30. I'm doing fine, except that I'm losing my appetite. Nothing seems serious as of this moment.

Just expect me to be bald after a month or so. Hahaha. I know you'll never see me but hey? This is my own diary, I will tell you whatever I want to say here.

That is all, I guess? I miss you, Tae, and I love you.

- Doyoung

 

January 25, 2015

Dear Tae,

I hate staying inside the hospital. This is also one of the reasons why I don't want to start my therapy but I guess there's no point in whining about it.

Lately, I've been puking a lot. Chemo and I can't even taste my food properly. I can’t even watch anything since the doctor advised me not to strain my eyes. Thankfully, Jungwoo gave me his tablet and I often use it to listen to some music whenever I feel alone.

I miss you. I want to see you but I know it's practically impossible.

- Doyoung

 

February 14, 2015

Dear Tae,

It's Yoonoh's birthday, and at the same time, it's Valentine's Day. I hate the latter. Just kidding. I badly wanted to send Yoonoh a birthday greeting but I remembered that no one was aware of my whereabouts except Jungwoo. In the end, I asked Jungwoo a favor to hand over my gift to Yoonoh without telling where it came from. I hope he liked the guitar I bought. It was pink and I'm sure he'll use it.

Speaking of Jungie, he told me that you and Yuta had gone on a trip to the Cayman Islands. He said that you guys are planning to have a beach wedding. My initial thought was, 'That's awesome!' but the truth is... I'm envious. Nevertheless, I hope that everything has been prepared for the biggest day of your life. I'm always cheering you despite I'm far away.

I wonder who replaced me as your best man? Once again, I'm sorry about it.

- Doyoung

 

February 28, 2015

Dear Tae,

So my left eye is starting to get blurry. It's only a matter of time before it completely goes blind. Not being a pessimist but I'm already expecting the worst case to come.

It's pretty complicated to describe the current stage of my illness. Let's just say that the growing tumor in my left iris is starting to wreak havoc. I didn't expect that the chemotherapy would fail.

I guess that I'm really bound to die, huh?

- Doyoung

 

March 17, 2015

Dear Tae,

Roughly fifty percent of my left eye's vision is gone. No biggie, except that I won't stop crying since the latest release of my current diagnosis.

Mom says it's going to be alright. I think not.

I wish you're at my side, Tae. Your hugs are the only thing I need the most during this painful time.

- Doyoung

 

March 23, 2015

Dear Tae,

It's Renjun's birthday. I anonymously sent him a package.

I miss his sarcastic remarks. Jungwoo told me that Renjun's business is going smoothly.

Oh, is it true that you chose Dejun to sing for your wedding? I was shocked when I heard the news. It's not that I'm downgrading Xiao's talent, but I really thought you'll pick Taeil-hyung.

Nevertheless, I completely understand why you chose him. That guy has the voice of an angel. I'm just thankful that you didn't select me or else I’ll skedaddle away from the ceremony the moment I see Yuta-hyung walking on the aisle. Oops.

I didn't mean to sound so bitter. I'm sorry, Tae.

- Doyoung

 

April 23, 2015

Dear Tae,

Jeno's fitness gym is a bombshell. I saw an article about it. Apparently, that guy managed to fish some celebrities who endorsed his business. I sent him a whole bag of powdered protein shake though I'm pretty sure he'll get discombobulated since it came from an anonymous sender.

Also... As of April 20, I can barely see with my left eye. Most of the time, I'm just laying on my bed and staring straight at the ceiling.

I think you know the rest of the details.

Once again, I apologize if my letters are starting to get boring. Love you and I miss you, Tae-Tae.

- Doyoung

 

The next few pages are blank, and when Taeyong tries to find the next entry, he stumbles across a page filled with photos of him. He doesn't know where those photos came from but they all share the same meaning and shots.

 

They are all candid and a bit random – There's this photo of him sleeping while holding a big bunny caged between his arms. Another photo shows his face while he’s sitting in front of his work desk. The rest of the pictures look wholesome and sweet. Doyoung must have taken those in secrecy and Taeyong isn't even mad about them.

 

July 12, 2015

Dear Tae,

First of all, belated happy birthday! I'm sorry I didn't write a letter to you two weeks ago. I feel terrible because I forgot to send you a present. I won't lie, the last few weeks for me were hell.

Two months have passed. Too many things happened but at least I think you deserve to know about the true nature of my illness.

I have uveal melanoma. There's a tumor on both of my irises and it's been developing rather quickly. I admit my condition isn't going very well, and it's only a matter of time before I’ll turn blind.

Usually, patients don't get blind even though they have eye cancer. The doctors are trying their best, and with the help of the current technology, it’s feasible. However, fate is cruel to me. My immune system seems to be resisting all of the medications I take thus metastasis is possible judging by how terrible my condition is.

If the cancer cells manage to spread out all over my fragile body, it will be the end of me.

I've been fighting for my life for almost six years now. I'm getting tired. I just want to rest.

But I know you'll hate me if I do that. The last thing I want to happen is you'll detest me for giving up. With this in mind, I'll continue to keep on living, okay? You will always be the source of my strength.

- Doyoung

 

September 11, 2015

Dear Tae,

I saw Kunhang on the television. I wouldn't stop laughing because that guy really knows how to make his audience lose their minds. He's a natural comedian. I won't be surprised if in the next few years or so he'll garner multiple awards as the best comedian in our generation.

How is it going for you, Tae? Your wedding is fastly approaching and to be honest, I don't know what to feel about it.

Jungie told to me that he's going to be one of your groomsmen. His eyes were shining while he was telling me about the good news, but at the same time, he was sad for me. I told him it was completely fine and advised him not to tolerate my feelings.

You're marrying your long-time lover, and that lover isn't me.

I'm not Yuta. That's just the truth.

Does it still hurt? Yeah, terribly, if I may say so. But I don't want to ruin your big day. Speaking of your wedding, you guys were really serious when you went to the Caribbean for your wedding plans, huh? Beach wedding is such a glamorous setup and I'm impressed that you're willing to fly over the rest of your guests in the Cayman Islands.

I don't even know where in the world is that. Just kidding! ^_^

Yuta is such a lucky guy to have you. I hope he treats you well and won't be a pain in the 'cuz we both know how sassy he is every time he has tantrums.

That's all for now, bye.

- Doyoung

 

October 28, 2015

Dear Tae,

I was planning to mourn again about my condition but hey, It's Sicheng's birthdate!

You know that Jungwoo is my only source for daily gossips, right? I just want to ask you something... Is it true that Yoonoh finally asked our Sichengie out?!

I'm very happy for them. Literally! They've been fooling around for ages I never thought that Yoonoh would finally muster all of his courage to officially declare his feelings for him.

So sorry for the rambles, I'm just really ecstatic, Tae >_<

Must be nice when you attended his surprise for Sicheng, huh? I hope that I was also there, although I'm pretty sure that I’ll become envious again.

- Doyoung

 

November 15, 2015

Dear Tae,

Congratulations on the wedding.

I saw the pictures. They were all breathtaking. The Caribbean is indeed a wonderful place.

So everyone was really there except me, huh? All of our eighteen friends had gathered in one place, imagine the total chaos.

Did they behave well? Is Chenle still the same baby we used to spoil? How about Yangie, I heard that he's completely changed, appearance-wise? Oh, how about Minhyung? Is he still head over heels to Youngho-hyung?

I miss you all guys, but this entry must focus only on your biggest day. I heard that Yuta-hyung cried a lot. I wasn't used to seeing him bawling his tears out but I guess it was unforgettable. So Ten was my replacement, Jaemin was the ringbearer and Youngho-hyung was Yuta's best man. That's so awesome.

I kind of want to witness the exchange of vows, but I didn't have the courage to view the footage.

Gosh... I'm really out of words, huh? To be honest, I'm crying while writing this. I can't even understand myself anymore. I'm happy for you, but at the same time, I feel very heartbroken.

I already told myself that I'm ready to accept the reality and yet... Why am I feeling extremely bitter?

Ignore my rants. I wish you the best for the newest chapter of your life, Tae. May you and Yuta-hyung have a fruitful married life.

- Doyoung

 

December 24, 2015

Dear Tae,

Few hours to go and it will be Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Tae. I hope you got the package I sent for you.

- Doyoung

 

January 1, 2016

Dear Tae,

Kun knew.

He knew that I'm here in Gwangju for my treatment so he visited me.

Jungwoo never told him about it. Kun never revealed to me how or when did he know. Instead, he gave me a big hug.

It's his birthday and yet, he was here with me, comforting my pathetic state with his kind words.

I cried a ton. Kun and I aren't that close to begin with but we both respect each other. He's the kind of person I always find comfort and he proved that to me.

I told him everything, including my plan to avoid you until the day I die. He was upset, but he respected my decision.

He also reassured me that everyone isn't angry about my disappearance without leaving a note. Rather, he told me that you guys missed me and were worried for my sake.

I'm really sorry, everyone.

The same goes for you, Tae. I just want you to live your life without minding my selfish wishes.

- Doyoung

 

Taeyong closes the diary for a moment. He takes a deep breath as he silently sits on the floor, his thoughts spiraling like an endless loop towards an endless abyss. He tries to absorb all those painful days Doyoung tried so hard to endure. He hates himself for being so dense about the younger's misery.

 

"How could I not worry for you, Doie?" He brokenly mutters while looking into the void, "If you just told me everything earlier... Then nothing bad will happen. You're still with us. I love Yuta, but before I met him you were the only person I wanted to be with. Why Doie, why?"

 

His heart is already throbbing but he's determined to finish all of the entries. With trembling hands, Taeyong notices that the next few entries have huge time skips, probably those were the days when Doyoung was struggling the most.

 

October 31, 2016

Dear Tae,

Hi. I apologize if it's been months since the last time I wrote a letter to you. I'm going to be honest. My right eye is also starting to falter. Writing has been almost impossible for me if it wasn’t for Jungwoo’s assistance. He insisted that he could do all the writing but I don't want him to carry that kind of unnecessary responsibility.

The doctors are about to decide if the operation will be possible for me or not. I reckon the latter because the cancer cells are starting to eat my body. It will be suicide to do it. I'll decline anyway since I don't want to bother my parents with the expenses. They already did so much for me.

Here's a punny wish I would like to have. I want to see your face for the last time, Tae.

Dream on, Doyoung. Dream on, for it will never happen.

- Doyoung

 

"Y-You should have just begged Jungwoo to bring me there!" Taeyong sobs harder, "I won't hesitate, Do! I'll cross the sea for you, and traveling to South Jeolla will be a piece of cake for me, but why?! Why didn't you do it...?" He chokes and gnaws his lower lip, fighting back the choke that is about to escape from his throat, "Y-You're not selfish, Doie... In fact, you always think for my sake before your own good."

 

February 1, 2017

Dear Tae,

Kun gave me a cute bunny cake. Although I can't see how beautiful it was, the three of us (including Jungie), ate it inside my private room.

Surprise! My right eye can still see, although it's very blurry. Still, I'm just glad that I have extra time left before it completely shuts down.

To be honest, I don't feel any pain. My body is lethargic but that's it. I can still sit and move, and Jungwoo would always bring me to the balcony so I could have some fresh air. Kun occasionally visits which really helped me a lot. He's such a charming man and if wasn't for my feelings for you I would have fallen in love with him instead.

Hahaha. My heart says, 'Like Kun would like a blind guy like you.'

So do you, Tae. I look really miserable. I can't even see my reflection anymore.

Regardless, I'm still breathing.

Oh, congrats on winning another award. Kun also informed me that he'll be collaborating with you. I can't wait to hear the track that you guys will be producing.

Annyeong ^_^

- Doyoung

 

P.S - Sorry if my writing's starting to get messy.

 

June 19, 2017

Dear Tae,

I think God heard my prayers.

Since March, my radiation therapy has been going well. My right eye is still far from being healthy but at least it survived up to this moment. Metastasis seems to have stopped and my doctors are watching out for my left eye.

Maybe it was a miracle, but whatever it was, I'm thankful.

Could you believe that Jungie had given me a huge body pillow for 'behaving' so well? He told me I was being a good boy for following the doctor's orders >_>

Meh. But that's cute. I'm all giddy on the inside since he still cares about me.

The same pleasantries prevail – I hope you are doing well, Tae.

- Doyoung

 

"It's not a miracle, Do." Taeyong whispers, his voice chilly as if his life force is slowly slipping away from his system, "It's the result of your hard labor. A reward, to be exact." He then slumps against the bed and looks up at the ceiling, "It's funny it didn't last, though. Maybe you are an angel that's why the heavens decided to welcome you too early for my liking."

 

August 13, 2017

Dear Tae,

So Nana and Jeno have finally tied the knot, huh? I can't believe that those two would actually get serious. I thought they'll remain childish for the rest of their lives.

It's the former's birthday which also happens to be their wedding day. Talk about being cheesy, I bet Jeno planned for it!

But seriously, I'm speechless. Donghyuck was Nana's best man which was no surprise, duh! I saw the clip of Injun crying, he was hilarious!

Though I can't blame him for bawling. I'm just proud of them since they decided not to be coward (I'm talking about me, okay T_T). Their household is going to be chaotic, I swear, especially that Nana has been fantasizing about having a lot of kids. Jeno might lose his mind but I know he'll never let his new husband down.

Besides, I think they’ll turn into magnificent parents.

How about you, Tae? Are you and Yuta planning to have kids?

- Doyoung

 

"They now have three kids." The producer fondly smiles, "Two of them were adopted from Daegu, whilst the last one was a child they rescued. It's a long story, but they love their kids as their own. About me and Yuta... We still haven't decided about it. Maybe we will, but not now."

 

The next page contains a picture of his dear friend sitting in a wheelchair. The background looks ethereal – Doyoung looked like he was outside because he was surrounded by trees. Beside him was Kun and Jungwoo wearing big smiles, and even though there's a huge patch hiding his left eye, the said male is also brightly beaming.

 

There’s a short note below the photo:

 

Hey. It's me, Kun. Doyoung wants you to see this although he's still stubborn enough not to send the photo.

He's doing fine, hyung. We're doing our best to make him feel loved.

 

November 22, 2017

To TY-hyung,

Hello, hyung! It's weird to write you a letter even though you'll probably never see this.

Anyway, it's not Doie-hyung for today. It's me, Jungwoo! Today has been emotional for him. It's Chenle's birthday so like what he was always used to do, he sent him an anonymous gift. Somehow, Chenle had figured out that it was from him so he sent back a thank you message. Doyoung-hyung won't stop crying. Here's the note Chenle gave him:

 

You're too obvious, Doie-hyung. I know it's you.

Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about this. I understand if you still want to remain hidden so I won't pry.

I just hope you're okay. Everyone is eager to see you again and always remember that they aren't angry about your disappearance.

See you someday again, hyung ^_^!  I miss making you whine. Renjun won't even acknowledge my jokes T_T

Love you, hyung!

 

Chenle's words were genuine. It was a no-brainer why hyung became emotional. Anyway, his treatment is starting to become... I dunno, stagnant? He's been doing well these past few months but suddenly his therapy isn't working anymore.

Writing is almost impossible for him. Expect his next entries to be shorter.

That's it for now. He's still fighting, don't worry.

- Jungie

 

"I knew it." Taeyong massages his temples, "His respite didn't last."

 

December 21, 2017

Dear Tae,

It's been three years since I disappeared. There's a lot of things that happened, but I can't even remember them all.

Maybe because I'm suppressing all of the bad memories. I kind of wish that the cancer cells would erase a part of my memories but sadly, they won't.

My illness is still ruthless and unforgiving. My body wants to give me a slow and painful death.

Winter is going to start soon. Do miracles really happen during the last month of the year?

I think so. It was December when we met and we were still young during that time. For me, it's a miracle to have you in my life. There were a lot of bittersweet memories, but I do not regret any of those.

- Doyoung

 

"For five painful winter seasons, I tried to search you..." Taeyong speaks while caressing the photo album, "But then, I can't even sense your presence anymore. But you know what? I also feel the same way. Miracles do happen during the month of December. You are a miracle, Doie."

 

May 23, 2018

Taeyong-hyung,

It's me again, Kun. Doyoung's right eye is nearly blind. Right now, he can't do anything unless someone will guide him.

He didn't want us to pity him. He still does his best not to be a burden to his parents. He would also say to me and Jungwoo that he's alright even though it's not.

His face turned into nothingness but the remnants of the past. He looks so dead and barely breathing. Most of the time, he's lifelessly laying on his bed.

Jungwoo's jokes weren't working anymore. I tried to give him a lot of food but he barely touched any of them.

One day he told me he wanted to hear your voice again. I showed him your speech when you won your first international award. He was just listening as he silently cried.

He still loves you, hyung. I commend him for staying so loyal even though he's hurting a lot.

He's the only selfless person I knew in the entire universe. You're lucky to have a friend like him, hyung.

- Qian Kun

 

"I mentioned his name during that speech." Taeyong grabs the picture frame once more and points at Doyoung's face, "D-Doie... I-I made that song just for you, d-do you like it?" He raises the frame with trembling hands and shakily kisses Doyoung's lifeless image, "I-It's for you, Do. I-I hope you're still listening to it even though you're already in the afterlife."

 

August 19, 2018

[*Jungwoo here again! But this message is from him, I'm just writing what he’s saying.]

Dear Tae,

There are some things I want to say to you Tae before I become completely blind.

1.) It's expected that I'll lose my vision. I'm just waiting for that moment to happen. Radiation therapy is formally useless. I'm starting to experience metastasis and as days go by, the cells are rapidly traveling all over my body. I did a pretty good job of holding back the tumor for approximately... I dunno, Nine years? Still, it's been a long and exhausting ride.

2.) Surgery isn't advised. There's a huge chance I'll instantly die so technically... I'm just counting the remaining days of my life.

3.) I still love you. Pathetic, right? Despite getting married and not seeing you for almost four years, I still yearn for your presence. Sometimes I have pleasant dreams about you, Tae. We were happily living our lives plus we’re together. I could still remember your voice repeatedly ringing in my ears. You told me in my dreams that you also love me back. I just sadly smiled at you and whispered that I knew even though it wasn’t the case.

4.) There's this point that I hated Yuta-hyung for having you. I thought to myself, 'Why him, and not me?' Again, I can't manipulate your feelings. I'm not you and I'll never know what you’re thinking unless you blatantly reject my feelings. Nonetheless, I feel terrible for thinking like that. Yuta-hyung had done no harm but here I am, cursing him for being your partner.

5.) I almost considered euthanasia. Kun was extremely angry when I told him about it. Thank the heavens I informed him about that or else I'm probably resting in my own grave as of this moment. Kun reminded me of the reason why I keep on fighting. He was right. I just need to push deeper even though it's practically impossible for me to survive. I remembered that I'm doing this for you. I want to make you proud until my last breath.

Without Jungie's help, I would never consider writing a long entry. That's is all, Tae.

- Doyoung

 

Taeyong takes a deep breath, "Jungwoo and Kun really helped you a lot, huh? They are so good at hiding since they never mentioned a single thing about you. I should thank them after I’m done reading all of these letters."

 

December 3, 2018

Taeyong-hyung,

As of December 1, 2018, Doyoung is completely blind. It was devastating not only for his family but for Jungwoo and me. We badly wanted to tell the rest of the gang but again, Doyoung won’t appreciate it if we betray his trust.

He's still stubborn about revealing his current state. He kept on insisting that he didn't want to make the others worry.

He won't stop sobbing. He kept on screaming as he desperately clung to his mom, afraid of being alone inside his room.

It terrified him since he couldn’t see anymore. Jungwoo and I would take turns in comforting him, and there were some moments that he’ll wake up in the middle of the night screaming and flailing on his bed.

He's a strong person but he's quickly falling apart.

- Qian Kun

 

February 1, 2019

Taeyong-hyung,

We got him a therapy dog for his twenty-eighth birthday. His name is Pepper and he's a Samoyed. He's really friendly and Doyoung loves him. We often bring Doyoung and his new friend outside where they can hang out. He badly needs fresh air and he also mentioned to me that somehow, the wind reminded him of the fact that he's still alive.

We should have given him a dog earlier. Pepper loves to snuggle by his side and Doyoung hardly lets his cute paws go. They look so perfect for each other and Pepper never fails to provide comfort to his degenerating body.

Speaking of his condition, he's getting worse each day but we choose not to overthink. What's important is to make him happy until... No, I refuse to say that word.

Here's a photo of Pepper. Doyoung said that he wants you to take care of him once he... You know what I mean, hyung.

- Qian Kun

 

"I'll make sure to take good care of him." Taeyong comments while observing the picture of Pepper attached just below the entry, "He's a beauty. I'll be forever grateful to him for making you happy."

 

March 8, 2019

To TY-hyung,

I'm sorry, but no Doyoung-hyung for today. Jungwoo here, and I just want to give you a quick update. Doie-hyung's cancer cells have officially spread out, relentlessly metastasizing to the point that he can't even stand up from his bed. He can't properly talk anymore, and feeding him became more difficult. We weren't allowed to bring him out which is not good for his mental health but hey, what else can we do?

Doyoung-hyung didn't want to talk with us anymore but we knew deep down that he's still fighting for your sake.

I feel like my heart is going to get crushed every time I see him suffering. I told Kun-hyung a lot of times about my desire to tell you guys regarding his condition before he passes away but he told me that Doyoung wouldn't want his friends to see him in his current state.

Why life is so cruel? Hyung doesn't deserve to suffer like this. Sometimes I ponder, what if you noticed his feelings and you guys ended up together? Will he experience the same pain and suffering? Will he still be situated in here, laying like a dead log as if his soul has already evaporated from his body?

What if you never met Yuta-hyung? Will things change? Is it even possible to rewrite history?

Sadly, no. These are my delusions. I'm sorry, Tae-hyung. I may not be the one who's experiencing a terminal illness but you'll never understand the agony I'm holding until you see Doie-hyung's state.

Despite this, he still loves you.

- Jungwoo

 

"I would rather perish than him." Taeyong blankly replies to Jungwoo's questions as if the latter can hear him, "Even though his illness can't be magically erased, I still want to be by his side. I just don't understand why Doyoung didn't want to meet me. Even though he's already dying... He's still thinking about my sake. To what extent your selflessness will prevail, Do?" He then traces his fingers across the music box before opening it once more, "You just gave me another reason to love you even more, Kim Dongyoung."

 

April 18, 2019

Taeyong-hyung,

Pepper won't leave Doyoung's side. One day, Do told me that even though he couldn’t see Pepper's face, he greatly reminded him of you. He said that Pepper's warmth was just like yours and the way how Pepper snuggled by his side is exactly the same thing you always do when you guys were still kids.

Doyoung is expected to have six more months to live.

We're doing our best to convince him to let you see him.

- Qian Kun

 

"But he never wanted that to happen, right?" Taeyong sniffs.

 

September 29, 2019

To TY-hyung,

Doie-hyung won't stop saying your name in his sleep.

He told me to make you a music box so I immediately obliged. It was custom made and I ordered it from Latvia. After two weeks, it arrived and Doie-hyung instantly fell asleep when he heard his own voice singing in the background.

I was surprised when he confessed to me that since his rehab, he's been doing a time capsule. His work just got interrupted when his condition became worse so Kun-hyung and I took the initiative by completing the work he started.

By the time you're reading this, I guess you already saw the contents of the box.

You need to bury the box, hyung. It's just a shame the music box is included with it.

- Jungwoo

 

November 12, 2019

Taeyong-hyung,

This is Kun but Do wants you to receive a simple yet meaningful message.

He wants you to know that he loves you and will always be by your side.

He managed to surpass the six-month time limit for his life which clearly indicates that he's still fighting, but we're not a fool.

It's near, and we're just doing our best to say by his side when that time comes.

- Qian Kun

 

December 13, 2019

To our beloved Taeyong,

As of 1 pm, Doyoung has finally passed away. He had a smile on his face when his heart stopped beating. We didn't know what to feel about it. He looked peaceful as if the thorn that was torturing him for the past ten years of his life had finally left his body. He had a long journey but today it ends.

The reality hasn't sunk in for both of us. We've been taking care of him for the past five years so it was really hard for us to let him go. We were there during his highs and lows and we witnessed all of those tears he shed as he desperately tried to forget all about his past.

Maybe the cancer cells killed him, but we reckon that it's the unrequited love that completely destroyed him. He's been emotionally dead since day one and we're just there, attempting to revive the life he needed to deeply hold on to.

We lost a great friend, but Doyoung lost everything.

His parents are planning to bury his body back in Seoul so that everyone could at least see him.

Even to his death, he still looked like an angel.

- Kun and Jungwoo

 

 

 

 

 

Taeyong has a long look on his face the moment he closes the diary. He just finished reading Doyoung's painful journey, and yet, he feels as if he was there with him because the writings in the diary seem to radiate his entire experience.

 

---

 

The three-hour drive to South Gyeongsang was a breeze. Taeyong didn't even notice that he was already at the foot of the mountain until he almost got hit by a truck.

 

He almost wished that it happened, only that he couldn’t because Doyoung wouldn't appreciate it if he tried to take his own life. His friend didn't sacrifice himself just to let him perish.

 

Even the whole travel time to the peak felt like a blur. He's lifelessly trudging behind Kun and Jungwoo while cradling the big box in his arms.

 

Mount Jirisan is where everything started. He and Doyoung met there when they were still kids and it was mere happenstance. The latter was lost and relentlessly running in circles for he couldn't find his family. Taeyong saw him crying in one corner and the rest was all history. His parents helped the lost child and since then, they became best buddies. They both live in the same neighborhood in Seoul which explains how their friendship bloomed.

 

The totality of the view reminds him of nothing but bittersweet memories.

 

He then remembers that he isn't there to reminisce about the past. Instead, he's there to grant Doyoung's final wish. Pepper is also with them, and from time to time the adorable Samoyed looks at Taeyong with his black orbs as if he already knows him.

 

The said dog has been temporarily staying with Jungwoo until he brought him along for their trip. Pepper looks a bit gloomy because he seems to be wondering about his owner’s whereabouts.

 

Taeyong quickly thinks that his best friend was right. He and Pepper look almost the same. He doesn't find it weird to be compared to a dog. In fact, it made him happy.

 

"He's been eying you for the past few hours. I think he likes you." Jungwoo comments while feeding Pepper with some dog treats. They are currently in the waiting area, resting their tired legs. Beside him, Kun smiles and nods his head in approval, "Pepper' is a therapy dog, after all. I bet he senses Do's presence in Taeyong-hyung's scent."

 

"But Doie-hyung and TY-hyung haven't seen each other for a long time." Jungwoo deadpans. Kun just shrugs and holds the Samoyed's leash, "I don't know. Must be fate, who knows? Come on, the sun is already setting."

 

They are thankful that there aren't any tourists present along the trail. It’s freezing cold since the snow arrived a bit early, and Taeyong almost laughs because he feels like fate is actively playing with his life.

 

It was December and the snow was just starting to fall when he first met his best friend. Not to mention, it was also snowing when Doyoung disappeared five years ago.

 

Talk about timing.

 

They continue to ascend despite feeling numb from the cold, and with every step Taeyong takes, he feels like his heart is about to explode inside his chest since he won't stop palpitating.

 

"You okay, hyung?" Jungwoo asks when he notices the older's face looking so pale, "Do you need to take another rest?"

 

Taeyong shakes his head, the box he’s holding is still firmly caged in his arms, "No, I'm alright. We're already halfway there. Might as well continue our trek."

 

Jungwoo just nods in approval. They continue their walk, and from time to time the duo checks the older if he’s still okay or not.

 

They are deeply concerned about Taeyong's mental health. The said producer barely talks after Doyoung's funeral and it's only been a week since the ceremony.

 

Today is December 29. Taeyong doesn't know what to feel about it.

 

Finally, they see the majestic view of the sunset displayed just a few meters from where they are standing. Jungwoo practically runs like an excited child, and Pepper comes running behind him, his tail wagging.

 

"W-Whoa..." Kun stammers, his eyes gawking at the setting sun, "I have no words. It's... Breathtaking."

 

"It's even better during spring." Taeyong mumbles beside him. Kun meets his gaze, "Really?”

 

Taeyong just merely nods and starts to walk towards the edge where he can see a pitfall, "Yeah. Doyoung loves visiting the mountain during his birthday."

 

After walking for a few minutes, they find the perfect spot, and Taeyong takes his time digging a small area for his beloved time capsule.

 

There's a tree present beside the spot. Taeyong slowly places the box, his expression looking inexplicable. He opens the lid and runs his fingers through its contents for the last time.

 

"I got your wish, Do. Are you happy up there?" He looks up at the orange sky, "I bet you're smiling right now. Forgive me if I took the music box, it's just a waste not to see it anymore. Jungwoo spent his time ordering it so might as well keep it. Besides..." Taeyong smiles, a single bead of tear falling from his eye as he glances at the picture frame inside the box, "I won't get tired of hearing your voice, Do. For me, your voice is the most melodious sound I've ever heard. It's one of a kind, and I'll forever remember it."

 

Taeyong takes a seat beside the dirt. Once again, he starts to sob while clutching his chest. Kun kneels behind him and proceeds to rub his back. Jungwoo also joins them before hugging his side, "I wonder what would happen if we both ended up together? I honestly don't know, but I bet it would be awesome. I regret not confessing to you that I also loved you, Do. But that was the past, and I don't regret marrying Yuta. He's now a part of me but it doesn't mean that I have completely forgotten about you."

 

"You will always stay in here." He points at his chest, "I'll forever cherish our moments and I'll always visit your grave. It's true that you're not with me anymore but your memories will permanently stay at the back of my mind. Farewell, Do. I expect to see you again in the afterlife." Although he’s shaking hard, he manages to stand up without stumbling over, "Or who knows? We might end up together in our second life." He laughs before facing his friends.

 

Without a word, both Kun and Jungwoo give him a bone-crushing hug which made Taeyong to unleash all of the suppressed emotions he's been holding for hours.

 

He cried a lot. His friends never uttered a single complaint about it. They just stand there by the hole, comforting each other, and are trying their best to think positively for the sake of their fallen friend. The wind gently blows and caresses the trio’s shivering bodies as if Doyoung is there with them as he reminds them that they have to keep strong and continue to move forward.

 

"Do miracles really exist during the month of December?" Taeyong mumbles after completely burying the time capsule. Jungwoo places a flower on top of it, "I think you already knew the answer for that, hyung."

 

Taeyong just sadly smiles, "Yeah. I know the answer." Kun wraps his one arm around the older’s neck before suggesting, "Let's descend now. It's getting dark and Do wouldn't want us to get lost while walking down the trail."

 

Jungwoo lightly giggles and rolls his eyes, "Absolutely. I can already picture Doie-hyung's face as he chastises us while looking down from heaven."

 

Taeyong takes a final glance at the time capsule's memorial grave, "So long, Doyoung." He mutters before they finally disappear from the mountain peak. Pepper's loud barks can be heard in the background as if he just sensed something – or someone standing alone at the peak.

 

 

 

 

 

Upon their exit, they miss the apparition of Doyoung standing by the burial spot. He's back to his old self, his body glowing in bright light as if he never suffered a terminal illness, "You and those things you've done for me are the miracles, Tae. Miracles do exist in December."