“I can’t do this Seungwan. It’s not fair for you…”

1 AM. It was already one hour since Joohyun tried to fall asleep. She had closed her eyes and turned her room full black to make herself sleepier, yet no successful attempt. She knew she should have her head clear yet her head was full of thoughts and events that had filled her mind the past few weeks. Especially after that particular decisive event. 

“I love you. I will always love you. You’re my best friend. But you do acknowledge if we move onto that stage, it will be definitely hard for both of us, don’t you? Don’t you, Seungwan?”

She kept on thinking whether she made the correct decision or not. Before that day, she could handle her thoughts as she was working on a full-force music video solo shooting. Now that her project ended and left her free for the rest of the day, she couldn’t help not being eaten with things on her mind. Not wanting her own mind mingling around and disturbing her entire state, she decided to text her group chat to see if someone was still up, or rather a particular someone, just to distract her mind.

“Anyone still up?”

Not long after she sent the chat, Sooyoung and Yerim responded. She knew well enough that Seulgi was probably asleep or deep in the movies. And there left the particular person or the only one she hoped replying to her chat. Five minutes passed by and still no response.

Disappointed, she decided to just continue reading Seneca’s On the Shortness of Life. With all the heavy language the classic book had, she wished to have her eyes get heavier. While reading the book, she was also fighting with her lingering disappointment that the one she expected still hadn't replied to her chat. Although at the same time, she tried to keep an optimistic thinking that perhaps this person was already asleep.

15 minutes into the reading, Joohyun could feel her phone vibrate. It was a notification of personal chat from the one she’s been waiting for.

“Hi Joohyun, still up? Sorry for the late response.”

“No worries, Seungwan.” Joohyun typed. She wasn’t surprised that Seungwan was still willing to be this kind even after what she did to her that day. “I can’t sleep.”

“Figured. Tried reading heavy books already?”

“I tried. Not effective enough.”

Seungwan didn’t respond but she was still seen as online. She was typing. And stopped. Typing again and stopping it all again. Joohyun decided to take the lead of their conversation, “Mind to have a call? I think the light from my phone will keep my eyes fresh.”

Once again, Seungwan was seen typing. And stopped. It made Joohyun wonder what Seungwan was trying to say to her.

Finally came a reply from Seungwan, “Sure.”

Joohyun shook her head to see such response and at the same time felt excited. She hit the call button.

“Hello.”

“Hi Joohyun, sleep trouble again?” Seungwan asked. Joohyun felt smitten to hear her voice, but she tried to keep herself calm.

“Yeah.”

“Before I forget, I want to congratulate you on wrapping up the shooting session. I know it’s going to be a major hit.”

“Thank you, Seungwan. I hope it will,”Joohyun formed a weak smile. “Why aren’t you asleep yet?”

“Oh… It’s because… ” Seungwan hesitated. “Well, let’s say I’m having a date.”

Joohyun felt a pang hearing Seungwan’s response, when she knew she should be happy for her best friend. Again she tried to keep herself calm before responding and made the situation feel casual and light, “Really? Go back to your date then, I don’t want to disturb your happy moment.”

“That’s okay. It’s been awhile since we talked…” Seungwan lowered her voice. “Especially... after that day. Besides, my date’s asleep already.”

“I can’t handle my feelings for you, Joohyun. I want to have a relationship with you."

Joohyun fidgeted, “How was your date?”

“Wonderful. It’s actually my third date with her.”

“I didn’t know about that…” Joohyun shut her eyes and bit her lower lip. “Tell me more about her… If you please? Where did you meet her?”

“Um… Where to start. Let me go to the bathroom first, I’m afraid to wake her up.” Seungwan got up from the bed and went inside the bathroom. “Honestly, after that day, I decided to try a dating app to keep my mind busy.”

“Don’t you want to try? To see if we could handle this?”

“I can’t risk our friendship, Seungwan. I’m sorry.”

Joohyun was shocked. She knew that Seungwan was never the type to use dating apps yet there she was.

Seungwan continued, “It was hard at first. For sure. Thankfully I met Jennie, she understood my situation and made everything easy. I’m sorry to tell you this but after I arrived home, I became a total slump and I realize I can’t continue being like that.”

“I understand. Please don’t say sorry,” Joohyun said. “I’m glad you met Jennie.”

“Thank you, Joohyun. How are you doing anyway?”

“Good…” Joohyun responded, tight-lipped. “Still good.”

“Despite what happened...” Seungwan paused. “Don’t hesitate to tell me about anything. We’re still good friends aren’t we?”

“Indeed, Seungwan.” Joohyun nodded slowly.

“Seungwan, are you calling someone?” Joohyun heard a soft female voice on the other line. Must be her date.

“Ah yeah, it’s Joohyun unnie.”

“Is she the one who—”

“Yeah…” Seungwan said and she muted her microphone for a while. Joohyun felt uneasy knowing the fact that Seungwan has already got someone, while she should’ve been happy for the latter.

“Seungwan, I’m getting really sleepy. Thank you for accompanying me, enjoy your lovely date.”

“Thanks Joohyun. Call you later?”

“Sure.” They both hung up.

And there Joohyun regretted that the call made it even harder to be asleep.. She’s now insomniac… with the company of a heavy pang in her heart.