Work has been very exhausting for Seungwan lately.
 

The deadlines for new project proposals have been piling up, along with annual reports for their current marketing strategies.
 

She barely has time to eat or sleep, let alone spend time with her girlfriend for their usual dates and dinners. She leaves work hours after the sun sets, and by this point her brain is so fried she can only process her most basic needs once she gets home. Normally she would consider Joohyun a basic need, but even that she is deprived of during these trying times.
 

Today has been a touch of hellfire for Seungwan. She moves on autopilot the entire day, up until night when she finally lies down to sleep, mumbling at Joohyun to kill the lights so that she can succumb to dreams and not this waking nightmare.
 

She can sense the brightness of the room beneath her closed lids, anticipating the click of the light switch, surprised when she hears Joohyun’s voice instead, saying,
 

“You forgot our anniversary.”
 

The lights turn off, Seungwan’s eyes snap open to greet plunging darkness, and she’s suddenly paralyzed with horror.
 

She hears Joohyun’s footsteps make their way to their bed, feels the dip of the mattress even as her heartbeat quickens to its breaking point, her stomach churning as Joohyun’s words ricochet around her head like a spiked ping pong ball.
 

“Unnie-”
 

“It’s okay,” says Joohyun softly, and with Seungwan being so in tune with her for years, she knows she’s hurting. “I know you’re busy. That’s why I didn’t really prepare anything too and just…I don’t know. I just needed to say it. Good night.” Joohyun turns to her side, facing away from Seungwan and this, this is truly what a waking nightmare feels like.
 

“Unnie,” she tries again, tears forming in her eyes because of the bad day and now the bad night, “I’m sorry-”
 

“I know,” Joohyun murmurs. “Go to sleep, Seungwan-ah. You need to rest for work.”
 

And Seungwan wishes Joohyun had gotten mad, had yelled at her and thrown things even when she’s never unleashed her anger like that before. Because the sadness and disappointment she gets from those few sentences feel far worse.
 

As she hears Joohyun’s breathing even out beside her, Seungwan vows to make up for her mistake. This already being their fifth anniversary should not have made Seungwan complacent, because every second with Joohyun is a gift she will forever be grateful for. She was always told to appreciate everyone and everything that she has, and she hates that her job has made her forget that.
 

She turns to face Joohyun’s back, watching her girlfriend’s shoulders lift and fall with every breath.
 

I’ll make it up to you, unnie. I promise.

 

***

 

Attempt #1: Cook her the best breakfast in the world.
 

Seungwan stays up the whole night, plotting and strategizing her plan to make amends to Joohyun. She should be dead tired because of it, but now she’s running on spite and love, which is loads more dangerous than guzzling down twenty cans of Redbull.
 

It doesn’t hurt that Joohyun turns to face her in her sleep, one arm reaching for her even when Seungwan doesn’t deserve the affection. Joohyun’s fingers catch her wrist, the contact further solidifying Seungwan’s determination to see this through.
 

Seungwan leaves their bed at the crack of dawn after pressing a soft kiss on Joohyun’s forehead. She sets out for their kitchen, hellbent on making the best pancakes in the world for her girlfriend.
 

She burns the pancakes.
 

Her eye twitches when she sees the charred streaks of black, a pathetic whimper almost slipping past her lips.
 

She tries another batch, and for some reason she can’t fathom in her sleep-deprived state, it ends up the same way.
 

Maybe Joohyun should only drink milk for breakfast. Seungwan surely can’t screw up pouring a glass of milk.
 

She almost drops the glass when Joohyun walks in. The older girl takes one whiff and looks at her with a raised eyebrow.
 

“P-pancakes,” is all she says.
 

“Ah,” Joohyun responds in complete understanding. She opens the cupboard and takes out a loaf of sliced bread, placing a few in the toaster.
 

In the end, Joohyun makes the both of them peanut butter and jelly toast while Seungwan scrapes off the burnt residue in her pan, trying not to cry.

 

***

 

Attempt #2: Bake her the best cake in the world.
 

Seungwan makes a hasty trip to the 24-hour grocery on her way home from work to buy the ingredients she needs to make the best cake in the world. She knows she can buy cake from a bakery instead, but Joohyun has always appreciated her hand-crafted goods far more than store-bought ones.
 

She should’ve known the plan would crumble to dust the moment she cracks her first egg and pieces of the shell flies into the batter.
 

It’s not a bad cake. It’s just not the best. The flavor feels a little off to her, and she wants to redo it. She’s double-checking if she can make another batch with the ingredients she has left when Joohyun walks into the kitchen after her shower, looking like a goddess even with her hair bunched up in a towel.
 

She says as much, her compliments so instinctive at this point that she doesn’t even know she’s saying them. Seungwan is unable to see the responding blush in Joohyun’s cheeks because she’s back to counting her eggs like a mother hen.
 

“Cake!” Joohyun exclaims, and Seungwan almost forgets the poor excuse for one in the middle of the counter.
 

It almost looks like a slow-motion action movie when Seungwan dives for Joohyun’s grabby hands with a lengthy “Noooooooo!”
 

She holds Joohyun’s wrists to stop her from touching the cake, and Joohyun pouts so cutely Seungwan almost lets go.
 

“It tastes weird. I’m going to make another one,” she explains hastily.
 

A wrinkle forms between Joohyun’s brows, and with the strength of a Greek goddess, tugs her hands free from Seungwan’s grasp so she can plant them on the latter’s cheeks. “You look like death, Wan-ah. Did you even sleep?”
 

Seungwan opens and closes like a fish because there seems to be only one right answer and it’s not the truth. And she never wants to lie to Joohyun.
 

Joohyun seems to understand her silence, anyway. She pulls her out of the kitchen and into their bedroom, the strength of a goddess resonating within her. Or maybe Seungwan’s just so tired she can’t even put up a fight. Either way, she’s pushed down to the bed and Joohyun sits beside her, watching her like a hawk.
 

“Sleep,” she commands, and Seungwan wants to protest, but the pillow feels so good against her head, and Joohyun’s begun to her hair the way that she likes it.
 

In seconds, she’s fallen asleep with Joohyun by her side, protecting her from any more sleep-deprived mishaps.

 

***

 

Attempt #3: Make her the best art in the world.
 

Ten minutes into an attempt at a realism painting of Joohyun, Seungwan knows why Seulgi is the artist and not her.

 

***

 

Attempt #6: Sing her the best song in the world.
 

Seungwan coops up in Seulgi’s place on a workfree Saturday with her guitar and notebook, struggling to write a song for Joohyun. It’s difficult because a thousand thoughts about Joohyun’s everything are stored within the galaxies of her brain, but she cannot seem to translate these into lyrics and melodies.
 

How can she put into words someone as perfect as Joohyun?
 

She stares at Seulgi’s yellow walls and feels her mind turn to sludge. She came here so that Joohyun won’t know what she’s up to, so that she won’t spoil the surprise.
 

All the surprise Joohyun is going to get is a braindead girlfriend. A braindead gift-less girlfriend.
 

Surrounded by Seulgi’s furniture, Seungwan cannot seem to find any inspiration. So she goes back to her roots, trudges back to their apartment with her tail tucked between her legs and hopes the home she and Joohyun made for themselves will allow her to come up with the perfect song.
 

And it kind of works. Joohyun texts her that she’s out eating lunch with Jennie just as Seungwan climbs the stairs to their apartment, so she is left alone to make her song. The pale purple walls of their living room remind her of Joohyun; even the lingering scent of laundry her girlfriend’s probably just put away. It’s in the way Joohyun’s paperback is on top of Seungwan’s laptop; how Joohyun’s white winter coat brushes against Seungwan’s brown one on the rack. It’s the way their affection for each other shows through not only with hugs and kisses but also their personal things; it’s how they’ve found a home in one another.
 

So Seungwan writes, and sings, and strums chords on her guitar. She makes it to a verse, fleshes out a chorus, and then hits a roadblock. She forgets that songs are long and have more than one verse. She overthinks the chorus and thinks it’s not catchy enough like those pop songs on the radio. She almost screams when she realizes she needs to write a bridge, wanting to jump off one herself.
 

This song is supposed to be for Joohyun, and Seungwan won’t settle for less than perfect.
 

So she cries. Cries so hard she falls asleep.
 

Hours later, she wakes up to a soft nudge on her shoulder.
 

Disoriented, she blurts out “Goddess!”—the last word she had written—making Joohyun laugh.
 

“It’s just me,” Joohyun says, like she’s anything less when she’s so much more. Where was this sense of poetry when she was crying in anguish hours earlier?
 

And as Joohyun leans in for a hug in greeting, Seungwan realizes the solution: Joohyun’s presence. Seungwan is a greasy sap, but it becomes so much worse when Joohyun is around.
 

But Joohyun begins to wrap herself around her like a koala, mumbling about how she misses her these days, and Seungwan can’t bear to push her away to pick up her notebook and write the lyrics forming in her brain.
 

She breathes it all out, knows she can delay this gift just for a little while longer, tugging Joohyun closer to make up for all the missed affection.

 

***

 

Attempt #9: Bring her to the best vacation spot in the world.
 

Seungwan is the Search King. The best non-board-certified researcher in their group of friends. But more importantly, she knows Joohyun like the back of her hand, like they’re soulmates even in this non-soulmate-au world.
 

It’s been a while since she and Joohyun have gone on a trip together. The last time was Switzerland, during their 2^nd anniversary. It was one of the best memories they’ve ever had, because they were together in a foreign world and it felt like they could do anything. Except elevated mountainous tourist activities that cost Seungwan the blood circulation off her arms when Joohyun had clung on to her like a koala.
 

Seungwan thinks they’ve saved enough for another trip, and she’s determined to make sure it will outrank the previous one, so she researches. Racks up 20 tabs in her Macbook for ‘top destination trips’ and makes notes in a word document, crossing out countries that have mountain climbing and bungee jumping as their main attractions, adding to the algorithm the type of food Joohyun prefers so she doesn’t get indigestion.
 

She’s now had it narrowed down to five destinations. It’s currently her lunch break at work and she munches gleefully on her sandwich, knowing she’ll have it down to three by the end of the hour when a heavy hand clasps her shoulder, making her choke.
 

“Making trips, are we? Is that for your new girlfriend?”
 

Seungwan sputters out a surprised squawk. She recognizes the voice as Sooyoung’s, her co-worker and one of her best friends, and she turns her head to see a glare decorating her beautiful face. “N-new?”
 

Sooyoung narrows her eyes, unimpressed. “Are you cheating on Joohyun-unnie?”
 

“What?!” Seungwan thumps on her chest to make sure the sandwich goes down properly. She doesn’t want to choke because there's a chance that Sooyoung will not attempt to save her using the Heimlich maneuver, at least not at this moment.
 

“Joohyun-unnie said you’ve been ignoring her. After you missed your anniversary too.”
 

The hellfire panic returns.
 

“N-no! No, I-I’ve been trying to make up for it, I swear! I’ve been trying but I keep failing because she’s so perfect and I want her to have perfect but I’m not perfect so it’s not working-”
 

Sooyoung clamps a hand over , effectively shutting her up. “Okay, okay,” Sooyoung interrupts, her glare softening, “I guess I believe you, knowing you. But that doesn’t mean you should ignore Joohyun-unnie! She’s so touch-deprived Yerim said she’s been cuddling that giant chipmunk stuffed toy you won for her during office hours.”
 

Seungwan slumps on her desk chair, the repercussions of her actions dawning on her. “I’m sorry. . I’ve been a horrible girlfriend! Is she going to break up with me?” Her eyes fill with tears as she looks at Sooyoung.
 

Sooyoung rolls her eyes at the dramatics. “Joohyun-unnie would make her own build-a-bear named ‘Seungwan’ and cuddle that before she would even think of breaking up with you. She loves you too much, even if you’re kind of stupid when it comes to her. Just make it up to her, okay?”
 

Seungwan nods, and then hesitates midway. “But I still don’t have an anniversary present for her,” she says morosely.
 

“Unnie.” Sooyoung laughs in disbelief. “All she needs is you.”

 

***

 

Attempt #10: Give her the best girlfriend in the world.
 

Seungwan lingers in a flower shop across their apartment building, a bouquet of the prettiest flowers they have on hand shaking in her grasp as she waits for Joohyun to arrive home.
 

Once she sees her girlfriend enter the building, Seungwan takes a deep breath and follows. Gives her a few minutes head start before she knocks on the door to their flat.
 

“Who is it?” Joohyun’s muffled voice calls out. Of course she would be suspicious; Seungwan wouldn’t knock on their own door.
 

“Delivery for Bae Joohyun,” Seungwan responds, trying to disguise her voice because suddenly she’s panicking and she gets weird when she panics.
 

The door opens, and Joohyun looks taken aback at her presence. “You- did you lose your keys?” Three seconds later, she registers the explosive amount of flowers in the bouquet ed at her by a nervous Seungwan.
 

“I’m sorry,” Seungwan says, because in the commute back home, she thought about her speech, and she knows that those are the most important words she has to say. Then, “I love you so much.”—The second most important words.
 

Joohyun looks like she’s about to cry, and because Sooyoung is right—Seungwan is kind of stupid when it comes to Joohyun—she panics. Again.
 

“No, don’t cry, please! I’m so sorry I hurt you. First by missing our anniversary, and then by ignoring you because I was trying to think of a gift. I’ll make it up to you, like, a hundred-fold, no, a thousand-fold, and I-”
 

Joohyun crushes the bouquet of very expensive flowers between them so she can crash her lips against Seungwan’s.
 

“You’re such an idiot.”
 

Seungwan deserves that.
 

“I can’t believe you’ve been ignoring me because of that.”
 

Seungwan deserves that too.
 

“Don’t you know you’re all I need?”
 

Seungwan doesn’t think she deserves this, but with the way Joohyun says it, with so much conviction and love, she might just have to believe it.
 

She lifts a hand to trace Joohyun’s tear-stained cheek, in awe that she can call this perfect girl hers. “You’re all I need too.”

 

***

 

Attempt #10.5: Give her the best imperfectly perfect girlfriend in the world.
 

Seungwan sings Joohyun the song she made for her, with her imperfect chords and stuttered words. The beaming smile Joohyun gives her almost blinds in its brightness.
 

She’s only halfway through the first chorus when Joohyun starts kissing her for all she’s worth.

 

Seungwan shows Joohyun her half-baked attempt at painting her, and Joohyun presses her back to the couch for the clingiest hug ever.

 

Seungwan shows Joohyun her research tabs and word document, asking her for her opinions on the top destinations she’s picked. She’s explaining the reason why she chose Austria, talking about the food Joohyun will like and the pretty skylines they’ll be able to see. She turns away from the screen to meet her girlfriend’s eyes, abruptly stopping in mid-sentence.
 

She can’t even describe the way Joohyun looks at her; it makes her heart pound, her hands clammy, her soul soar. It would melt her to a puddle if she were a snowman.
 

But she’s not; she’s just Son Seungwan—human, greasy, almost-kind-to-a-fault, and in love with Bae Joohyun. And if Joohyun loves her just the way she is, then she’ll be the best Son Seungwan she can ever be.
 

“Were you even listening?” she tries to tease Joohyun, even though she’s blushing to the very tips of her toes.
 

“Yes,” Joohyun replies, “and then no. I think my hearing is broken. You can kiss me to make it better.”
 

Seungwan laughs, leans in to plant a kiss on Joohyun’s ear, making her giggle and squirm at the tickling sensation.
 

“I think my mouth is broken too.” Joohyun bites her lip, inhaling a shaky breath when Seungwan nudges their noses together.
 

Seungwan takes a few hours to map out the repairs.

 

***

 

Attempt #11: Give her the best ring in the world.