“You fade away because we loved each other”

 

Our Winter in December

 

It was ironic how the jubilant voices and laughter envelops us in this moment. And the longer we sat in this bench did the voices grew louder as if it was going to eat me all up but not my misery. But even with all that it didn’t take away my focus on her, it couldn’t because nothing ever did. No matter what and where, she was my world and I don’t want to think if I’m still hers. If I’m not--- She’s still mine and always will be.

The bit damp portion of her skirt from a single tear; if this was a year ago, I would have held her hand. If this was a year ago, I would have wiped it before it fell. If this was a year ago, I would have stopped it before it could crystalize her eyes. If this was a year ago, there wouldn’t have been any reason for it to. If I did at some point months ago, we wouldn’t be here. Where did we go wrong? Was there something wrong?

I start noticing the sound of the screams from a distant. The Drop of Doom, a drop tower ride, one of the rides we rode together on our first date; well, at least I did. Letting out a dry laugh I succeed catching her attention, stopping more tears from falling. “Remember that ride on our first date?” A smile crept into my lips as she joins in with a laugh too, “I didn’t know you had acrophobia, and I didn’t know I had one too till I rode it.”

 “Yeah, I didn’t think it would be me who’d have the view of the first one of us to cry.” This time I joined in her laugh. It was true, I saw her eyeing the ride and I had thought she wanted to ride it. And with the urge I had to impress her ended up with me riding alone instead. And it only became worse when I realized the tears still streaming down on my face when she approached me.

Our first anniversary we’d pass by that ride again and I had told her the things behind it. And I saw her face lit up in the realization to what really was to me. It was that urge that pulled her to me, and seven years together I always thought I never loss it. Did I?

The weight I know these questions would have on me forever, this will anchor me even if she doesn’t know, even if she doesn’t want me to or if I don’t want me to, even if she wouldn’t be by my side anymore it would anchor me still. So right now, I want to be selfish, even if it won’t spare her to the tears that she had been pouring because of me, I want to spare myself from those tears because of her.

 

I look at her,1… 2… 5 seconds and I look away again. “Wendy,” I call to her. She kept her head low, but the evident tightening of her hands together showed I had her attention. “I’m sorry.” I could sense her head turning to me and not long after that I found my gaze at her.

It took time but now I had her diamond eyes looking at mine. “but, where did we go wrong?” The sight of her fight against the tears that were threatening to fall. Even with all her strength she couldn’t resist it. It had me preferring the sounds of the jubilant voices and laughter to consume us again, even if this time it would really eat me up, we would have still had that if I hadn’t asked.

She didn’t back down from our stare at each other, I didn’t either. I could remember how we were always like this, in the middle of the day, in the middle of our night, in the middle of our walk together at the park. Once we’ve found each other’s eyes we wouldn’t want to end that moment, we’d look at each other for as long as we can. No words just a gaze and we’d both know. And now we don’t.

 

 

 

Our Winter Before Spring

 

I watched her, these days I watched her when we meet after our daily encounters with the people I’d fail to remember once I watch her and her smile. Rushing myself to the door as soon as I hear the faintest sounds from the door. Normally I would have been scared or frightened, she would know this after we watched Zombieland together.

Once the doors open, I’d see her smile even before she could remember the snow taking over her hair. The lids just below her eyes would tell she was tired, but her eyes and smile it would tell it didn’t matter because I was here in front of her smiling. If it I hadn’t exceed my limit, I’d brighten up even more, seeing how she’d show how much of a difference I am to her life. Cause I watch her smile to me every day, run into my arms then eventually feel her. After all that we’d make our way deeper inside our shared abode in each other’s arms. In those moments we were inseparable, and I feel like we still are.

 

I watch as the candle light illuminate her bright smile. Eyes closed; lips sealed into a hopeful bright smile. I watch her as she opens her eyes again and make a silent wish. The thought of her wish lingers into my mind, thinking if I would be any part of it like what she always said I had. I’d try and stop her from jinxing it, so instead she would plant a peck on my lips and I watch her eyes glimmer and stare into mine. Telling me everything through it and I understood perfectly. And she’d know that I did.

Now I watch her as she opens her eyes and blow out the bit fire light. And in a beat, I feel her lips on mine, I’d feel the smile she had on as she presses it on to mine. I should have gotten used to this but every year it would never fail to set flames on my ear. Another thing she’d point out every year saying it looked cute. It was like this; it was always like this every year. It was like a routine, a tradition. A tradition I could never get used to, a tradition I’d want us to keep forever.

 

I watch her as she perfectly fit among the clothes in the hues of blues. A calming color just like how she was to me. How she’d calm me in the midst of my messed-up life. When the clouds filled up my skies shooting the endless bullets from it. She was there shining for me. When the sun shined brighter than it should, she was there to neutralize me. She calmed me and I’ve never been calmer when she was with me.

I watch her knitted brows, crunched nose, and a pout that settled towards her right cheeks as she carefully busy herself to the variety of clothing around her. I watch her as she looks at herself in the mirror with the clothes of her choice. She doesn’t bother to ask for my opinions. After our first few failed shopping spree with my endless compliments to everything on her, she had never bothered for my consistent opinion anymore.

 

I watched her do all that. I watched her as she pleased herself into burying her head more into my chest every morning. I’d watched her eyes speak for herself whenever we try a new dish, most times it lit up and it lit mine up too. I watched her blissful gaze to the ring I gave her 5 years into our relationship. Her as she tries to keep up when I’m composing, and doze herself off eventually. Her getting away from the pile of work she brought home, and as she slowly walks towards me, I’d eventually feel her arms wrap around me distracting me as I try to busy myself into my work too. I watched her smile with the thought of spring when we’re cuddled together, warming each other from the cold winter.

I did watch her, I watched her do all that. I watched the perfect bit of fragment I had of her for years before this. I pictured and watched her, us, just 2 years ago. I watched the ghost of her, before she gave back the ring that I gave her. The one who smiled at me so brightly every day. The one who loved me as much as I loved her, and even until now I still do.

 

Because now I watch her as she steps out from the hallway from the door and head straight to the kitchen, not bothering to look at me or even look for me. Now I watch her light smile with her melancholic gaze at me. I watch my phone lit up from a message from her, saying she was celebrating with her friends tonight, and I’m left here with a meal for 2 I have to finish all for myself now.

Now I watch her in a new dress, not knowing when she ever bought it without me or when she started buying dresses without me. Moving to the spare room, I can barely have the chance to have her or watch her. I wouldn’t know if she had fallen asleep while I pour all this out to a song. I wouldn’t know if she got up already or finished the work she never brought home anymore.

And I don’t see it but I hope she smiles at the thought of spring. I wouldn’t be here anymore and remind her of all the bittersweet memories we can never keep up now. I want her to, even if it won’t be in front of me or even because of me.

 

I came home last night in a place completely bare from her stuffs and existence but not from her memories. I need to move out soon, too, to spare myself from these thoughts every day. I had thought it was finally over, she was finally gone. Then I found a note just by the coffee table that stayed idle at the center of the middle room, one we bought together when we first moved in together 3 years into the relationship. “I’m sorry I was in a hurry, lets meet each other some time again.”

The flash of our last moment together comes to me, we were in the living room. It was the first time in a while I saw her before she went off. She had tried her best to show me her smile, asking if I had eaten or what my day awaited. She informed me about her moving being almost done. She didn’t really need to tell me cause the only thing that was left was a few pieces of her clothing packed in a luggage, and her.

 

 

 

Our First Summer in August

 

It was just another ordinary day for me in August. I was in the middle of park with my guitar and the band, ready for the next song to play. Deep in the song my gaze landed on a her. The brown of her hair as it curled down just right on to her collar bones that was made visible by the off-the-shouldered blue dress she was wearing. I didn’t dwell on anything of that when I saw her smile and her eyes encrypt in my head at that moment. The wind that she couldn’t care less blowing perfectly through her hair making her look more divine to my eyes. I would look away but my gaze always found its ways to hers as I finish the song.

 

 

 

Our Last Spring in April

 

April 25th, Sunday, now it was just like back in the days. The boys and I decided to play at the park again for old times sake. She was an inevitable thought I encountered as I recount the first time we met. And this time, my gaze still landed on the same girl but this time she had a perfectly bleached short trimmed hair just by her shoulders. With her white sweater that had a hint of green and her black jeans. She was smiling at me still had her gaze on me but I knew was different from the first one she had shown me. And as always, my gaze always found its ways to hers.

As soon as we finished the last song, I walk to her with a smile just like how I did the first time. And she was smiling back too, just like the first time. “It’s nice seeing you here again.” She didn’t stop smiling, and it was genuine this time. I was glad of the bit hint of the gaze she had on me for the past few months.

“I’m sorry you couldn’t see me off last night.” I smiled at her “It’s okay, I came home late anyway.” A short pause before I start speaking again.

“Did you get yourself settled in the place?” I asked and it went on a conversation with how she was. She had asked how I was too. We talked, we’ve never talked like this in the past few months, we could barely show ourselves to each other. But now, it was as if everything fell into place already, as if all we really needed to be away from each other now.

The sun was starting to set when she said she needed to go.

“I guess I have to go now, Chanyeol” She said it all too hesitantly, I was, too, to end this moment was just too soon. “It’s okay, it was really nice seeing you like this again, Wendy.” I hesitated but I offered a hug, relieved when she accepted without having to think twice. I enveloped her in my arms one last time. I rub the small of her back. Letting this feeling sink in one last time. A few seconds and I felt her sob in my chess.

I soothed her hair, “I’m sorry, Chanyeol” I give her an assuring hush as I continued to soothe her back. “You don’t need to be, it was both of us, and I’m sorry for that.” I pulled her away when I felt her calm down. “I don’t want to keep you late.” Our gazes meet again. “Goodbye, Wendy.” She let out a smile a genuine one and I felt relieved for that. “Goodbye, Chanyeol” She started to walk away slowly from me, waving her hand lightly before fully turning her back from me.