A young woman stood before the bridge’s railing, tears streaming down her cheeks as she wondered how her life had gotten to this point. It was nearing two in the morning and complete darkness filled the cold, night air. The woman quietly took off her shoes before carefully climbing up the railing. She then stood there, easily keeping her balance after so many years of dancing.

The woman looked down at the dark waters, far below. How easy would it be, she wondered, to simply let go? All the pain, the constant hiding and putting on fake smiles. It would all be over. All she had to do was let go. Take one more step and fall into oblivion. It was all so painfully easy.

She took out her phone from her pocket, the screen immediately lighting up and showing the very same message that had driven her here in the first place. “I’m sorry.” She scoffed as she reread the two words. The words that had been the nail in her soon-to-be very unmetaphorical coffin. She wasn’t sure what exactly was the older woman apologizing for to be honest.

Was it for breaking her heart? For replacing her as quickly and as easily as one would replace a broken toy? Or was it for giving her hope? For stringing her along for so long? Whatever reason it was, it didn’t change anything. It didn’t change the fact that she had quite irrevocably broken her beyond repair. And nothing would ever be able to change it.

She remembered the first time she laid eyes on the other woman. She’d been nothing more than a young teenager at the time, full of hope and promise. It’d been hard, dropping everything she’d ever known in pursuit of dreams that seemed so far away. She’d been relentless, however, fueled by a need to prove herself to anyone who’d ever doubted her.

That didn’t make her journey any less lonely though. The other trainees left her alone for the most part and it wasn’t like she had any free time to make friends anyways, considering that any time that wasn’t spent practicing a new choreography or song was spent perfecting the language. Or at least that’s what she told herself.

It was almost two weeks after she joined the company that an older, brunette girl approached her. The woman honestly didn’t remember much about what was said during their first interaction, as the older girl was quite excitable and didn’t seem to mind that most of her words were going over the younger girl’s head as she struggled to keep up with the rapid Korean. What she did remember, however, what had stuck with her even now, years later, was the girl’s undeniable kindness and inviting smile. It was the first time since she’d left home that the woman had felt like maybe, just maybe, it hadn’t all been a mistake.

The older girl had showed up outside her bedroom that very night and let herself in without a word. The woman remembered feeling a bit awkward at the familiarity with which the older trainee acted but was soon put at ease when she showed her a few books she had brought her. It was for beginners Korean and she was touched at the brunette’s thoughtfulness.

She was once again taken by surprise, however, when the girl made no move to hand her the books and instead dragged an extra chair next to her desk and sat down, staring at her expectantly. Things continued this way for the next few months and her Korean quickly started improving now that she had the other girl’s constant help.

There wasn’t a lot of talking between the two at first. At least not from the younger girl’s side. The older girl would sit with her at lunch every day and show up at her room every night and would never stop chattering on but she mostly listened, happy with the company even if she struggled to keep up with her.

As time went on, though, she started to feel more and more confident with the language and started talking almost as much. It was a surprise to the older girl to find out that her new friend could be just as much as a chatterbox as her when there wasn’t a language interfering. It was then that they started finding out just how much both girls had in common. They were both easy-going and easily excitable and their friendship only continued to grow despite the .

She introduced her to her other trainee friends and they all grew close. She started building friendships with all of them and enjoyed hanging out with all of them but she couldn’t help but get more excited when it was just going to be the two of them.

The girl soon started looking forward to their nightly sessions, eager for some alone time with the other trainee. She wasn’t sure why her stomach filled with butterflies and her heart started beating quicker whenever she was near to her but she didn’t want the feelings to stop. It was during one of these sessions that understanding finally dawned on her.

She was working through a sheet of questions when she found herself stuck on one. She asked her friend for help but didn’t get an answer back so she turned to face the brunette and found her staring at her intensely, a glimpse of something she didn’t quite recognize in her eyes. The friendly atmosphere started changing as the silence stretched on and the girl found herself getting nervous. She looked back down at the sheet of paper, unable to handle the girl’s intensity. The other girl suddenly grabbed her chin with two fingers, gently turning her head so their eyes could meet.  

She could see the unspoken question in her eyes and, without thinking twice, she nodded her head almost imperceptibly. Lips immediately met hers and she could taste the strawberries from the older girl’s lip gloss. She had never kissed anyone before so the kiss was a bit sloppy as she tried to follow along. It was over before she knew it and the other girl immediately started explaining the question she’d had from the sheet like nothing had even happened.

She followed her lead, even though there were so many questions running through her mind. That night, she laid in bed remembering the sensation of the older girl’s lips moving against her own, trying to engrave it in her mind.

 

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Time went on and before she knew it, she’d been there for two years now. Life as a trainee was rough but having the other girls at her side made it tolerable. Especially her. During that time, the kissing continued. Their nightly study sessions had become an excuse for a few hours of making out and they’d often find themselves in a broom closet or an empty studio looking for some alone time. They never actually talked about it but the girl reasoned that it was because of the dating ban. They’d both lose their place in the company if anyone ever found out. Not to mention the disgrace that would come from it if anyone found out that both girls were anything other than straight.

Not even their other friends knew. But she didn’t really mind. Not as long as she could have the older girl in her arms every night. As long as she could call her hers, even if no one but they themselves knew. Unfortunately for her, she made the mistake of assuming that the unspoken agreement that there was something more, something special, between them, went both ways.

It was mid-way through their training period that she had her heart broken for the first time. But it wouldn’t be the last. She was worried about her friend one day as she had not yet showed up at her room at the same time she always did. She waited for more than an hour before worry consumed her and she made her way out. She first looked in her room but no one answered the door. She was just walking through the building, looking for any signs of her, when she passed their other friends.

They invited her to join them but she shook her head, too worried about the other girl. She was just walking past one of the dark studios, in the hallway filled with dance studios, when she heard a familiar giggle coming from inside. She paused in her tracks before walking towards the door window. Darkness filled the room and the only thing visible were two shadows but it didn’t matter. Because she would recognize that shape anywhere. She choked back a sob as she realized that the other shadow was clearly that of a male trainee. She didn’t need any light to see that they were in each other’s embrace.

Wordlessly, she turned back around and ran back towards her room, ignoring the calls from her friends as they saw her running past. She managed to keep it together until she was curled in her bed, tears streaming down her face as the pain in her chest worsened with each moment.

The next morning, she cleaned her face and made sure that there were no signs of the tear tracks before making her way down to start her day. Nobody who saw her would have been able to guess that she’d spent most of the night crying of a broken heart. Because, alas, the harsh reality of the world she lived in was that there was no time for such things. Life had to go on and she still had to go on about her day as if it were any other.

She’d given the older girl the cold shoulder during breakfast and most of the day and it wasn’t until right before lunch that the girl finally cornered her before she could leave the now empty studio. She hadn’t even given her the chance to say anything before she was apologizing for forgetting their usual nightly meet-ups, assuming that that was the reason for the younger girl’s anger. She seemed so genuine and sad that she felt her cold façade breaking. She knew the real reason for the girl forgetting but she decided against bringing it up.

Don’t get her wrong, she wasn’t naïve. She knew what she’d seen the previous day and it still stung but she reasoned that they’d never technically talked about being exclusive. She’d just assumed that the older girl shared the same sentiment of not wanting anyone else. Although if she was being completely honest with herself, the reason she didn’t say anything was because she was scared that the girl would admit that she was just a hook-up or something and she’d rather live in ignorance than to face the possibility of losing her.

She knew she’d fallen for the older girl somewhere along the way and she’d fallen hard. And she didn’t want to risk anything coming in between them. She decided to be better from now on. More attentive. So that maybe the other girl would realize that she didn’t need anyone else. The pain however, never faded away completely and she used it as fuel to be better. To be enough.

So instead, she just shot her a smile and hooked arms with her as they went to get lunch. The smile on her face was painfully fake and she was just grateful that the older girl was too busy talking about how she hoped the cafeteria was serving chicken today to notice. What she didn’t yet know was that she would get a lot of chances to practice her fake smile in the future and that in a few years, even she would have trouble knowing the difference.  

 

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The second time she had her heart broken was a few years later. Both her and the girl, along with their friends, had debuted in the same group a few years ago and she couldn’t be happier. Their group was slowly becoming really popular and the girls had become like the sisters she’d never had. And, of course, her feelings for her had only grown. She’d never thought it was possible to love someone this much but it felt like she fell even deeper for her every day. The only difference was, she was sure the other girl felt the same way this time. She was sure that there was nothing in the world that could make her even happier. Except one thing. She wanted to tell the rest of their members about their relationship. After all, they were a family and she hated keeping the best thing in her life a secret from them.

She wasn’t sure, however, about how to approach the older girl with her idea. It turned out she didn’t have to anyways as faith had other plans for them. The two were laying on the living room couch one day, watching a drama while the other members had gone out for food. One thing turned to another and before she knew it, she was lying on top of her as their lips chased one another in a familiar dance.

It was moments like this that the woman felt like it was only the two of them in the world. Unfortunately for them, they were so stuck in the moment that they didn’t hear the door opening, signaling their members return. She didn’t notice anything until she suddenly felt herself being pushed off of her and into the floor quite harshly. It took her a few moments of confusion before she noticed their members staring at them from the still open door, eyes-wide.

She felt anxiousness filling her before she realized that this was the exact moment she’d been waiting for. Maybe it wasn’t exactly like how she would have planned it but that didn’t matter since she’d been wanting to tell them anyways. She slowly got up from the floor before turning towards the other woman who was now sitting up on the couch, frozen in shock. She wanted nothing more than to take the other girl into her arms when she noticed the fear in her eyes but she knew that as long as they were together, everything would be okay.

Wordlessly, she reached out to take her hand, wanting to silently let her know that she was right there. What she wasn’t expecting however, was the harsh reaction she got as the older woman yanked her hand out of hers as if it’d burnt her. She’d quickly stood up and shoved her backwards, making her stumble back a few steps. She’d softly called out her name, confused at the sudden anger and disgust that shone in the other woman’s eyes. She didn’t have time to say anything else before the woman was accusing her of being a ert and calling her sick. She felt herself stumble back another few steps, this time from the words as the pain in her chest worsened with each word thrown her way.

It couldn’t have been more than a few seconds before the other members had broken out of their previous shock and ran to intervene, shouting at the older woman. She didn’t hear anything that was said though, a buzz filling her ears as the words ert and sick kept running through her mind. She felt someone gently grabbing her arm and leading her to sit down on the couch and by the time she finally snapped out of her thoughts she realized that the woman was gone and her members were kneeling in front of her, pity and worry visible in their eyes.

They asked her what happened, concern lacing their tone. Her eagerness at them finally knowing the truth, however, had been extinguished by what had happened and she shook off their concerned questions before standing up. “You heard her. I had a crush on her and made the mistake of acting on it” she murmured, bitterness underlying the words as she made her way to her own room where she proceeded to lock herself in before finally breaking down on her bed just like she’d done so many years ago when they were still trainees.

She’d spent a few hours crying before there were no tears left. She expected to feel angry or betrayed but she could only feel a strange kind of emptiness inside her. Almost like she’d lost something and was now left incomplete. She couldn’t understand why she’d reacted the way she had. Was it her fault? Was the woman ashamed of her? It didn’t make sense. Especially when she herself wanted nothing more than to tell the whole world how in love she was with such an amazing person. She didn’t sleep a wink the whole night, too busy wondering what she’d done wrong.

The group had a very busy day planned the next day, with a photo shoot that was scheduled to last all morning and an appearance in a variety show later in the day and so she was forced to face her members even when the humiliation of the previous day was still fresh in her mind. She’d been expecting the other girl to spend the day avoiding her and for awkwardness to ensure and was surprised when the exact opposite is what ended up happening.

From the moment she left her room that morning she was greeted by her as though it was any other day, her usual bright smile back on her face. She was mostly confused but there was a small part of her that wanted to shout at her or do something. Instead, she did what she always did when it came to her and she swallowed down her feelings, returning the smile with one of her own.

The photo shoot went by quickly, with all the members joking around and having fun and it almost left her thinking that the fight had been nothing more than a dream. The other members seemed to think that they’d made up already and were just happy about that. It wasn’t until later that day, however, when they were in the middle of filming the variety show that it happened. The two MC’s had made them play a game of guess the song and had divided them into two teams. Their group, albeit popular, didn’t make a lot of appearances in variety shows and so they were enjoying it. It was after she guessed a particular song that got their team the winning point that the older girl who was on her team turned to her and grabbed her by the shoulders, jumping up and down in excitement.

It was something the excitable woman had done a thousand times before. And yet, the second she felt her grab her shoulders, she instinctively flinched, remembering the hatred and disgust that had shone in her eyes less than 24 hours ago as she pushed her around. The flinch was barely noticeable and she immediately recovered and started celebrating their win too but it was too late. The older woman’s smile never changed but she could see the clear hurt and guilt in her eyes and she hated the fact that she immediately felt the need to comfort her.

They didn’t get back to the dorm until late that night and the members all immediately headed to their rooms, eager for bed. She decided to shower first and she’d just exited her bathroom, still drying her wet hair with a towel, when she noticed that she wasn’t alone anymore. The woman was sitting on her bed, looking down at her hands and avoiding her eyes.

She hated the fact that the mere sight of her was still enough to send her heart into overdrive but not as much as she hated the small tinge of fear that now accompanied the usual butterflies. It felt like everything they’d shared was now somehow stained.

She stood there, waiting for the other woman to say something but she continued avoiding her eyes. It wasn’t until she noticed the way her shoulders were shaking almost imperceptibly that she understood that she was crying. Without thinking twice, she ran over and wrapped her arms around her shaking form. The crying woman immediately turned to burrow her head into her stomach, a steady stream of sorry’s flowing from .

She rubbed comforting circles in her back while quietly murmuring that it would all be okay, staying in the uncomfortable position with the older girl half on top of her long after her sobs had finally stopped, and she’d cried herself to sleep. She didn’t move for a second all throughout the night, instead taking the time to watch the girl who owned her heart. She knew that she was weak when it came to her but she couldn’t help it. She meant everything to her.

The next morning the older woman greeted her with a big smile and a peck on the lips before skipping out of her room, stating that they didn’t want the other members to know that they’d sleep together and have questions. She was gone before she could even try and start a conversation. She’d thought that they would talk about everything later but apparently the other woman assumed that everything had already been fixed and things soon went back to normal. Normal being them sneaking around and hiding their relationship from everyone.

Although that would be a lie if she was being honest with herself. They might have gone back to acting like they did before and to an outsider, nothing had changed. But the truth was that just because she’d forgiven her didn’t mean that things were truly back to how they were before. After all, forgiving and forgetting are two very different things. And she had always had a great memory. The older woman may not have known it then but her words would never truly leave the younger woman’s mind and they would have long-reaching consequences from which neither would be free from.

 

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The third time her heart broke was no less than a year after the second time and she’d be lying if she said that she’d already fully healed from that incident. She’d become more close off after that, less outgoing and less trusting. Not that anyone even realized though, considering how good she’d gotten at putting on a mask. The extremely positive and cheerful way with which she used to view the world had been slightly darkened as she realized that everything wasn’t rainbows and kittens like she’d previously naively believed.

The woman had sat all of the members down in the living room one day and broken the news that the company had just told her that they’d set up a PR relationship between her and a GOT7 member, stating how it would be good for both groups as they were both in the middle of comeback season and could use the publicity it would bring. She reassured them that it was fake but the younger woman didn’t care. While the other members proceeded to start to and ask for details, she stood up and wordlessly walked to her room, unnoticed by all but one.

The older woman showed up half an hour later, not bothering to knock before entering. She at least had the decency to look ashamed. She started to defend herself, saying it wasn’t like it was her choice but the taller girl refused to hear it for once. She tried to leave her room but the brunette caught her by the arm before she could, pleading with her.

It wasn’t a surprise when she gave in less than five minutes later, like she always did, but the knowing look in the shorter girl’s eyes bothered her to no end. It hurt, knowing she’d had to see the woman she loved pretend to love someone else but it wasn’t like she had a choice in the matter.

She wasn’t however, prepared for just how much it would actually hurt. Their company worked quickly on leaking the information and it was the very next day that dispatch announced the new couple. She’d been expecting to see more hate and anger, considering that was how things usually went when idols started dating and she was ashamed to admit that she was disappointed when they were received rather well for the most part. It probably helped that both Jackson and her came from popular groups and had quite the dedicated fanbase and it wasn’t long before they were calling them the new “it” couple.

It made her stomach churn whenever she saw a new picture of them holding hands or out on a date on the internet, knowing that that should be her. The only thing that helped was knowing that it was her who she came back to after every date. And, if she was being completely honest, it also helped that the other girl was just as miserable with the situation as herself, though she’d never say that aloud.

She hated the situation they’d been forced into so much but she knew it wasn’t the other girl’s fault. Even if there was a voice deep down that bitterly reminded her that if it were up to her, they wouldn’t be keeping their relationship a secret at all. Even if it meant losing everything. Because the other girl was more than worth it.

One day, while the older girl was out on a date with Jackson, her members told her that they were going out to buy some food and invited her to come along. She quickly accepted, needing the distraction. It turned out to be just what she’d needed and her member’s company had cheered her up. She honestly didn’t know what she would do without them

Her good mood didn’t last long though. They were walking back to their dorm, laughing and joking around, when one of them suddenly stopped, wide-eyed. They’d all followed her gaze and also stopped in their tracks. The other girls immediately started giggling but she was too busy trying to hold back her tears. Right outside the door to their dorm stood their fellow member making out with Jackson. The guy with whom she was supposed to be fake dating and so should have no reason to kiss, especially in private where there was no one to see.

She didn’t wait for the girl to notice their presence before turning on her feet and quickly running away. Darkness had already started to fall by that time and there weren’t that many people out in the streets. She didn’t stop running for a long time, feeling the need to get as far away as possible. Almost like she was trying to outrun the pain.

She eventually ended up in an empty park and sat down on a bench, trying to catch her breath. She hated how she kept thinking that it was impossible to be in more pain that she already was only to continually be proven wrong. The mental image of the woman she loved kissing Jackson and the image of her kissing that male trainee all those years ago kept overlapping in her mind.

She didn’t know how she’d been sitting there when she felt someone sitting next to her. She didn’t have to turn to know who it was. The familiar scent of the fruity perfume she always used was a dead giveaway. “I have you on find my friends”, was the only explanation given. Yet for some reason, it was enough for the tears she’d been trying to hold back to finally come rushing out.

Arms immediately embraced her and she had to admit that it felt good to be the one being held and comforted for once. She didn’t know what came over her but she suddenly couldn’t fathom keeping such a huge secret from the person she considered her best friend so, in between sobs, she managed to tell her everything. The slightly older girl listened patiently and didn’t say anything until the end.

 “I’m going to kill her.” That wasn’t the reaction she’d been expecting. She was surprised to see the clear anger in the blonde and slightly touched. Panic, however, quickly started taking over once she realized how angry the older girl would be if she knew that she’d told someone about the nature of their relationship. She knew that it was irrational to be worrying about that right now, especially since she wasn’t the one who messed up, but she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t take another incident like the one that happened the previous year when they were almost found out.

And so, she spent the next hour trying to convince her best friend not to say anything. The taller girl finally reluctantly agreed and they both made their way back. Their members were waiting in the living room once they got back, worried out of their minds since it was so late by now. She made up some excuse about wanting to go to sleep before slipping off to her room and shutting the door, locking it for the first time ever.

She heard someone trying to open the door about an hour later but she ignored it, not ready to hear whatever excuses she gave her this time. The person tried to open it one more time before giving up. Faint footstep could be heard walking away and she loathed herself for feeling slight disappointment.

She spent the whole night convincing herself that this was for the best and that it was a sign that she should finally cut things off. Ignoring the fact that she was barely keeping herself from running out of her room and right into the older girl’s bed. It was truly embarrassing, the amount of power that she had over her but knowing that didn’t make a difference. She was too weak when it came to her and she was tired of it.

And so, she decided to really keep her distance this time so she wouldn’t be back in. She wasn’t expecting, however, for the other girl to be doing the same. She’d thought that she would be chasing after her with excuses and looking at her like a kicked puppy until she finally caved in, as she always did.

As the days went by, though, nothing changed and no words were exchanged between them apart from when they were in front of the cameras. Anger burned through her veins at being ignored. She knew that she should have been happy. After all, it was obviously easier not to take someone back when they weren’t asking to be taken back in the first place. But the only thing that she could feel was a kind of helplessness that left her feeling out of place.

She knew that she’d been lying to herself. As angry and hurt as she was, she had been waiting for an explanation and an apology before giving in, as usual. The silence was new and she didn’t know what to make of it.

It psychically hurt her to be so close, yet so far from the brunette. She’d been a constant in her life for years now and she depended heavily on her. It was like she’d forgotten how to act or live without her. Their members noticed the sudden air of sadness that seemed to follow her around and she wasn’t surprised that it seemed that her blonde best friend had shared what she’d told her that night at the park. Not that it bothered her since she considered them her sisters. What did bother her, though, were the worry that she could see in their eyes whenever they looked at her.

Although it didn’t surprise her. After all, they were used to her constant cheerfulness and playful persona. She didn’t have the heart to tell them that the sadness wasn’t what was new. The only new thing was that she couldn’t muster up the energy to put on the mask of being that person anymore. She hadn’t been that person in a long time. They’d just never noticed.

It turned out that she could only stand one month without her before she broke. She made her way to the older girl’s room one night after practice, swallowing her pride. She was aware that she hadn’t been the one in the wrong but it didn’t matter anymore. She wasn’t angry anymore. She was just desperate. She knew that she was a mess but she just needed her back.

She entered her room, taking the brunette who had just slipped into her bed by surprise. She scrunched her nose in confusion at her sudden presence before standing up and asking her if she needed anything. The genuine concern and worry tracing her tone made her scoff before grabbing the woman by the shoulders and pulling her into a harsh kiss.

Her hands wrapped around her neck, pulling her impossibly closer as teethed clashed, desperate to make up for lost time. The other woman’s hands settled on her hips for a few seconds before they came up to her shoulders and gently pushed her back, breaking the kiss.

“I can’t. I can’t do this anymore.” She’d told her, regret underlying her words. She shook her head vehemently, not knowing why she was doing this to her. She tried to pull her into another kiss but the brunette stepped back, avoiding her. “It’s for the best. This isn’t normal. You know what they would say if the public ever found out. Hell, if my family ever found out.”

Unsettlement washed over her when she realized that the woman was being completely serious. The normal thing would have been to walk out of that room in that moment but desperation gripped at her. She fell to her knees in front of her bewildered member, any sense of pride or dignity long gone as she begged her not to leave her. The woman simply watched her for a few minutes before laying a hand on her shoulder, stopping her ramblings. “Please leave.” She’d said simply, voice emotionless.

The simple request had an instant effect on the younger woman. All the anguish and anxiety that had been close to overwhelming her were replaced by the same feeling of emptiness that had lately become her new normal. In all their years together, in all their fights, they’d never truly felt permanent. They’d always ended up coming back to each other sooner rather than later. But she could tell that that wasn’t the case this time.

Without another word, she stood up and walked out, leaving the older girl alone in her room. She left so quickly that she missed the woman’s eyes, wet with unshed tears that hinted at the pain that she was also feeling.

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The woman was used to the empty feeling that left her feeling like she was just moving through the motions of the day. It would hit her every so often for as long as she could remember but it’d never lasted longer than a day. It had now been a whole week since that day and the feeling had yet to leave. It wasn’t all bad though. The overwhelming sadness and depression were now muted and it was much easier to hide behind her mask once more.

The group went back to hanging out and joking around and anyone would have thought that they were all just a bunch of really close friends enjoying their lives as idols. Well… almost anyone. The second oldest member clearly knew that something was wrong considering the constant troubled looks she sent her when she thought she wasn’t watching.

The older girl finally approached her one day while she was sitting on the floor and gulping down her bottle of water during their short break before they got back to practicing their new choreography. The other members were currently on the other side of the studio on their phones so their conversation couldn’t be overheard. She sat in front of her before getting right to the point and admitting that she’d heard everything that night.

She hadn’t meant to eavesdrop but she had gone out to get a glass of water and had heard her in the other woman’s room. She blushed at the admission, embarrassed at someone having heard all that. She didn’t get the chance to answer before the older girl was hugging her and telling her that she deserved better. The words made a small smile blossom on her face. The first genuine one in months. She thanked her for her support before their choreographer called them back from the break. She didn’t mention that it didn’t matter that she deserved better because she didn’t want better. She just wanted her.

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She woke up the next day to the worst news imaginable. Her phone was filled with hundreds of notifications and it didn’t take her long to realize that they were all from people tagging her on the comment section of an Instagram post. She clicked on the link and was taken to an article that was reporting the breaking news that Jackson Wang and her girlfriend of a few months had actually been dating for about a year. It contained photo evidence and a timeline that left no room for doubt.

From the looks of it, they’d apparently started dating around the time the incident had happened where their members had almost found them out. She started laughing unexpectedly, bitterness and defeat in her tone. She should have seen this coming. She wasn’t sure why it still took her by surprise every time the older girl did something like this. She remembered how apologetically she’d seemed when she’d first told her that their company was making her pretend to have a relationship with him

She couldn’t believe the way she kept making the same mistakes. Without hesitation, she stood up and quickly changed before leaving the dorm without telling anyone. She ended up wandering aimlessly for most of the day before finding herself in a small bar a few hours later, drowning her sorrows in alcohol. Her phone had kept vibrating as messages from her members wondering where she was kept coming in but she ignored them.

She hadn’t even realized how much time had passed until the bartender was telling her that he needed to close up for the night. She stumbled out of her sit and made her way outside where the cold night air greeted her and helped sober her up a little. Her phone buzzed again and she finally looked at it, expecting to see more messages from her other members. It wasn’t from them though. It was from her. The message wasn’t much. It was a simple “I’m sorry”, and it only served to worsen the heartache as she realized that the other girl was always sorry but nothing ever changed.

She was so tired of the constant cycle of pain and disappointment that her life had become. She just wanted to feel happy again. Too focused on her thoughts, she hadn’t even realized her feet were moving and before she could even think about it, she found herself standing on the same bridge they always drove through on the way to the company.

She wasn’t sure when she’d made the decision but she immediately knew that she wasn’t planning on leaving that bridge alive. It wasn’t a spontaneous decision even though it seemed like it. It’d been on the back of her mind for a long time really, but she’d never thought about it seriously. Now, though, she just needed relief from the pain. Everyday was a struggle to get out of bed and go on with the day and she was just tired of fighting. Deep down, she knew that she’d probably hadn’t been planning on ever returning to the dorm when she’d left that morning.

Some would blame the alcohol but she’d never felt as sober as she did when she climbed over the railing. Even now, so close to death, she still couldn’t stop thinking about her.

Their relationship had never been healthy. Not really. She’d known it from the moment she’d first let the girl off the hook without even talking about it when she’d found her kissing someone else back when they were still trainees. It’d been so unlike her. The normal her would have stormed into that dark studio without a second thought and confronted them both. But the new her had already depended so heavily on her that she didn’t want to risk losing her. And that pattern had continued throughout their relationship.

She’d constantly let her have her way and get away with everything and anything, all because she’d convinced herself that it was worth it as long as she still had some part of her at least. Her mistake had been putting the older woman on a pedestal, believing that she was everything and that no one would ever make her as happy. Letting it get to the point where every one of her thoughts, her actions, came from trying to make her happy.

And slowly, the happy, confident and out-going girl that had left her home to chase her dreams in another country, the girl who loved nothing more than to dance or spend time with her friends, the girl so full of life, disappeared. Replaced by someone who didn’t know how to be happy when she wasn’t with her. Someone who didn’t even know who she was without her.

She’d fallen so in love with her that she’d given every ounce of love that she had to the other woman and left none for herself. And now she was done. She had nothing left to give. And the worst part, the part that made her hate herself more than anything was that, if given the chance to go back, she wasn’t sure she’d do things any different, even knowing how they’d eventually end. Because even after everything that had happened, she couldn’t stop remembering how happy she’d made her throughout the years. She couldn’t forget the kind eyes and gentle smile that had first made her feel at home all those years ago.

she both loved and hated her with equal measures. So no, if she could go back, she wouldn’t stop herself from kissing her back that first time. Even if she’d known that their story would end with her standing on a bridge, ready to end it all. She thought she’d be more scared at her impending death but it somehow felt comforting. Like her story was always meant to end there.

At least she knew that no matter how toxic their relationship had been, it didn’t make it any less real. Because she knew for a fact that the other woman really did love her. How could she not after all the memories they’d created over the last few years. Her self-hatred and fear were simply stronger and Jackson was the safer choice. It especially hurt because she knew that, in another life, one where they weren’t idols or where they were free to be themselves, they could have been really happy together. But now it was too late. They’d both made their choices. The only difference was that only one of them would have to live with the consequences.

She typed out a final message to the woman who had both made her the happiest she had ever been, as well as the most miserable, before letting go of her phone, watching it fall into the dark, churning waters and knowing she would soon follow. She looked up at the starry night one last time, her heart aching both with relief at knowing her constant fight would soon be over and with regret at the memory of the girl she once was. The girl driven by hopes and dreams. 

Before she could think on it anymore, the once cheerful maknae took that final step and let gravity do its job, somehow feeling more alive during those few seconds than she had in a long time. Many would say that her cause of death was drowning. Water filling her lungs until her heart stopped beating. Few, however, would know that the true cause of death of one Lalisa Manoban was nothing less than the very thing that makes us human. The ability to have a broken heart.

--------------------

A few hours later, Jisoo was awoken by the sound of something being thrown outside her room. She sat up confused, taking her phone from her night stand and reading a message she’d gotten at some point during the night. She scrunched her face in confusion. Her youngest member had been avoiding her for the last few weeks and she wasn’t sure what to make of the message.  

The sound of something else smashing outside reminded Jisoo of why she had woken up in the first place. She shook off her confusion before making her way out of her room. She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting but it certainly wasn’t this. Chaeyoung was full on sobbing on the floor with Jennie’s arms around her. The younger girl had silent tears streaming down her cheeks.

Two broken chairs laid on the floor and Jisoo guessed they were the reason for the ruckus. Worry for her fellow bandmates clawed at her heart as she walked closer towards them. “What happened? Is Chae okay?” she asked Jennie. Chaeyounh ignored her presence as she only started sobbing harder but Jennie immediately shot her a furious look, eyes icy cold.

Jisoo instinctively took a step back at the unexpected amount of grief and hatred that shone in her best friend’s eyes. Jennie quickly stood up, marching towards Jisoo. “I hope you’re finally happy. She always did what you wanted and you asked her to leave and now she’s gone.” A finger was jabbing her chest with each word that was spat out. Jisoo grabbed Jennie’s wrist, stopping her movements. “What on earth are you talking about Jen? Who’s gone?”

Jennie scoffed at her words, wordlessly turning around and walking back to Chaeyoung’s side. She helped the younger girl back up and half dragged, half carried the crying girl towards her room. “Turn on the tv.” She told Jisoo, voice emotionless, before shutting the door and leaving the oldest member all alone.

Jisoo quickly did as she was told, tired of not knowing what was going on. The screen showed a man standing in front of the bridge located a few minutes away from their dorm. Jisoo read the sublines and felt closing as she did. “BlackPink’s Lalisa found dead in the Yangjaecheon river. She read it five more times to make sure that she wasn’t getting it wrong and the pain in her chest only grew more and more with each passing second as realization finally dawned on her.

The message she had read only a few minutes ago ran through her mind as she struggled to breath, regret clawing at her heart with every fiber of her being. “We could've been happy."