It was another rowdy night.

Bright lights, loud music, warm bodies. A typical party scene right after a highly successful performance.

She was surrounded by her groupies. The Queen Bee. Night after night, girl after girl, it was an endless cycle of one-sided affection and all-around, -filled pleasure. Typical.

It was never-ending, this routine, and one can only take so much of empty promises and lonely nights when willing participants kept on fleeting to and fro her bed, one after the other.

It was crazy. They were crazy. I was crazy.

I took another sip of my martini and relished the slight burn on my throat, a distraction worth only seconds but enough to divert some of my attention away from the noise surrounding me. It wasn’t enough to make me forget the ever so familiar scenes I would walk into every night, unfortunately.

I should be used to it, though. I was as messed up as those other women, maybe even more.

Waiting. Always waiting.

“Hey, Jung. Taeyeonnie’s looking for you.”

(And the cycle continues).

I didn’t respond nor look back. The girl, whoever she was, just shrugged and left, presumably returning to the band of bimbos that were blindly worshipping their beloved idol’s very existence.

The anxiousness that I suddenly felt from hearing those words wasn’t because of excitement nor anticipation anymore. It was my turn tonight, apparently, and it was filling my heart with dread.

I gulped down my drink and asked for another one, something stronger. At the very least, I could blame my incessant stupidity on my inebriated brain, paying no mind to how ty I knew the aftermath would be.

It was a full 360˚ of insanity.

My whole body was sore, both internally and externally. But it was not new, this ache.

She was beside me, sleeping peacefully and equally as . Sadly, the alcohol I consumed wasn’t enough to keep my mind from drifting, the earth-shattering unable to keep my heart from hurting. Nights like these never ended well for me.

Damn emotions. Damn feelings. Damn her for being a baffling mystery.

But I could never fully blame her.

It was I who chose to stay. It was I who chose to feel. It was I who chose to hope, that maybe someday she’d return to her senses and finally come back to me. The Kim Taeyeon I knew before madness claimed her.

I turned my head to stare at her. She was snoring slightly, hair mussed, lips parted.

Angelic.

I internally snorted. That was something I’d never describe her as when she was awake, especially when seeing her performing on stage. She’d turn into the devil’s incarnate then. A devil who could turn innocent women into a pack of lust-filled hyenas without an ounce of remorse.

And here I was, a buffer of some sort for her tired being. Someone who would come running at her every beck and call. Someone without shame of being used, over and over again, like some sort of slave.

Tears ran down my face.

It wasn’t always like this. Her dream of being recognized as a female rock star was finally within reach when an agent saw her and her band performing in a local music festival. We were only twenty-two.

It was a whirlwind ride to fame since then.

She begged me to go with her and I agreed. I left my family, my friends, my stable job, my whole life behind for her. Solely for her.

But like any other idiotic celebrity, she was consumed by greed. Fame is a fickle friend, so she chose to sell her soul to the devil to appease it, throwing who she once was away and disregarding me in the process, embracing instead those who would foolishly kiss the ground she walked on.

She turned me into one of them, and I stupidly let her.

But my heart could only take so much. It had been four years since she changed into someone I hardly recognized, and seeing her different women every other night and leaving me to rot was finally taking its toll on me. I would have left her years ago, returned to the comfort of my little town, but the vulnerability in her eyes that she’d never show anyone else kept me from leaving her circle. That was how much I loved her.

I always knew we’d never last the moment she chose the wild instead of the tranquil. Parties in exchange for simple dinners. Booze instead of hot chocolate under warm blankets.

instead of making love.

I wanted to be her safety net when the world cussed at her, but she sought more comfort in the craziness of what life offered. I was finally at the point where I looked back but found none of the security she promised, and because I knew I was already falling into an abyss with no one to catch me.

I smiled amidst my tears as she let out a cute little sneeze and unconsciously snuggled against my side for warmth. I could barely make out the time on the digital clock on top of her bedside table and sighed when I noticed that it was time for me to leave.

I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed before standing, careful not to jostle her awake. I padded towards my clothes that were strewn all over the room and put them on as quickly and silently as I could. I heaved another heavy sigh before glancing back at the person I had been with for almost my whole life as I gathered my bags and then, without turning back, finally walked out of the room.

Out of her house.

Out of her life.

It had been exactly four days and eighteen hours since I left. Money wasn’t exactly an issue since Taeyeon wasn’t one to skimp on showering me with all the luxuries she could offer, hoping that it was enough to satisfy me during the times she’d leave me by myself.

She didn’t know that I barely touched whatever she gave, only ever using them when needed. She also didn’t know that I was saving them for her because I knew there would come a time that she’d get tired of it all, the fame and the fortune, and I wanted her to have something to fall back to, even if I wasn’t there beside her anymore.

The apartment I hid in was a little dingy, but it was a sound investment considering the money I used to buy it wasn’t mine. I needed a place to run away to when she brought her girls home with her. She never noticed that I wasn’t staying in “our” unit anymore, of course, only caring that I’d be present when she wanted me to be.

She didn’t need me anymore, never had for a long time now.

And it wasn’t like there was any reason to actually hide. Taeyeon was probably too busy living her carefree life to notice one of her groupies had left her. She could replace me easily.

The decision to stay in town was temporary while I came to terms with how to go about my life now that I could make my own choices without worrying about anyone. I wanted to go back and stay with my parents while I looked for a job, but I honestly didn’t know if I was still welcome back home.

Communication with my old life had been severed the moment Taeyeon started going on tours. All my time and energy were spent catering to her every whim that I unknowingly cut my family and friends out of my life. Asking for forgiveness would be difficult but I knew it had to be done. I didn’t have any pride left in me, anyway. I threw them all away for the sake of staying with Taeyeon.

Love was certainly taxing.

I had already changed into a huge tee and was getting ready for bed when the doorbell rang. I never had guests, wasn’t expecting anyone, so I assumed it was just the landlord or a neighbor in need of something.

I made my way towards the door and checked the peephole, but all I could make out of the person on the other side was a head full of hair, most likely from a woman.

“Hey, how may I… help… you…”

My eyes widened and any other words I was about to say died in my throat.

She pushed me aside and went inside my apartment like she owned the place. Comprehension came late and I scrambled to close the door and chase after her as she settled herself on my couch.

“W-what are you doing here? How’d you find me?”

She just looked at me from head to toe, and I blushed as I noticed only then that I was indecently dressed, my shirt dipping so low that one of my s could pop out anytime, the hem barely covering my thighs. Never mind the fact that she’d already seen me in much less numerous times before.

“I’m hungry, Sooyeon.”

My eyes twitched in annoyance.

She wasn’t supposed to be here. She wasn’t supposed to find me, let alone seek me out in the first place. Taeyeon looked so out of place in my small apartment but I was too tired to start a fight and have my neighbors complaining at this time of night. This midget in front of me knew how to make a scene if she wanted to. Refusing her wasn’t worth the trouble.

I turned around and quickly walked away towards my small kitchen, scouring for whatever I had on hand. I learned how to fend for myself through the years but I hadn’t gotten around to buying real food yet so I took to ordering in. All I had left was a half-full bucket of fries and an almost full pint of choco-mint ice cream. Our favorite.

I gathered them up and arranged them nicely on a tray but almost dropped everything when I found her sitting by my dining table, staring at me.

I couldn’t remember the last time she looked at me so intensely and it made me really nervous and uncomfortable. But I needed her gone as soon as possible so I laid the food in front of her along with a pitcher of water and signaled for her to start eating.

I didn’t really want to be in her presence so I decided to just get out of the room but her hand caught my wrist before I could even step one foot away from her.

“Sit down.”

I huffed in exasperation but did as I was told, most likely out of habit. We never really talked much anymore so I didn’t feel guilty for not speaking, although I was really very curious as to why she was sitting inside my kitchen and eating my meager leftovers instead of partying.

She ate slowly, and I couldn’t help but steal glances at her every now and then.

She still looked the same, but I really didn’t expect her appearance to change drastically in four days. The only thing that I noticed was the deeper set of eye bags and her eyes which were duller than normal. I didn’t want to admit it but it sent a pang of sadness and worry in me.

“Why did you leave, Sooyeon?”

I blushed and looked away when she caught me staring.

“It’s really none of your business, Kim Taeyeon. Hurry up so you can leave. I’m sure you have more important stuff to do than hang out in this dump.”

She didn’t say anything back and just continued eating.

I bit my lip as I observed how she ate. Still as messy as ever, especially when eating ice cream. I knew for a fact that her manager absolutely would have a field day when he’d find out the nation’s youngest female rocker was stuffing her face in the cold dessert. He’d kill me for sure.

Out of reflex, I reached out and wiped with my thumb. I didn’t dare look up at her and just stood up after I retracted my hand and started cleaning up.

“If you’re done you can show yourself out.”

After a few minutes, I heard the chair skid on the floor signaling she stood up and dragged herself out of the room. I gripped the sink, trying my best not to look back when I noticed that I didn’t exactly hear the door open nor close.

I hurriedly finished tidying up before checking if she really left already. I saw that the door to my room was open so I swiftly went inside, pissed but secretly relieved at the same time.

I saw her looking around and assessing everything, from my bed to my windows to my small bathroom.

“Kim Taeyeon, why are you still here? Get out of my room.”

I didn’t really expect an answer, but it was frustrating that, even though I thought I already left her behind, she still found a way to mess with me.

“Let’s go home, Sooyeon.”

I scoffed. The nerve of this woman! Wasn’t I just part of her harem? How dare she act like she hadn’t been neglecting and hurting me for years!

“I am home! Leave alrea – what the hell are you doing?!”

I was gobsmacked. My mouth hung open and my eyes were bulging from their sockets when she suddenly started stripping in front of me. Every article of clothing she was wearing pooled around her feet, leaving her and standing in the middle of my room in all her glory.

“We’ll talk tomorrow.”

I still couldn’t believe what was happening. She sought me out, demanded to be fed, practically commanded me to go back to her hell hole, and now had the audacity to lay down on my bed with absolutely nothing on and was patting the space beside her, indicating that I join her. And all of that without a trace of sentiment on her pretty face.

I wanted to scream. If I didn’t have any ounce of decorum that I had left in me, I would’ve thrown her out and cursed her until the neighbors called the police for public disturbance.

I gritted my teeth and counted to ten, taking deep even breaths to calm myself down. It wouldn’t do any good to try and get her to change her mind without getting into a late-night fight, so I kept everything in until I could finally kick her out the next day. But a temporary truce didn’t mean I would sleep beside her even if my heart wanted to.

I marched towards my bed and reached for a pillow, adamant about staying as far away from her as possible.

Obviously, she didn’t take to having her orders ignored, so she swiftly took my hands and pulled me beside her. I tried getting out of her arms but it was futile, her grip just as strong as how I remembered it.

“Fine! Just let go of me.”

And as usual, I was ignored. She took hold of my shirt and deftly lifted it over my head and threw it behind me. I didn’t fight her anymore and allowed her to push me down so she could take my underwear off, too.

Believe it or not but this was actually a normal occurrence. It was something I treasured surreptitiously.

She’d have with any other girl on rotation, and she’d have rough with me, but there were instances that she preferred to just hold me close on nights when it was my turn. She relished in skin-to-skin contact, and I relished in her warmth and closeness, imagining even for those nights that I was still the only person that mattered in her life.

But I knew better. I’d never get whatever we had back. I already accepted that fact, and I already decided to let go. I needed to learn how to respect myself again.

Stupid midget for foiling my plans. And only after a few days.

“Sooyeon…”

I felt her lips on my nape, her nose nuzzling my head as she pulled me closer. I relaxed into her arms, allowing myself this one last embrace.

“Don’t leave me, Sooyeon.”

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. I just bit my lip and closed my eyes tightly, silent tears flowing down my cheeks.

“I need you. Don’t leave me.”

I covered my mouth with my hand, not wanting to cry out loud. She hugged me tighter.

“You’re all I have.”

Lies. All lies.

“Don’t leave me.”

My heart was aching. I terribly wanted to believe her, but I knew that I wasn’t enough to change her back. I would never be enough anymore.

Even security blankets needed to be washed clean sooner or later.

I continued crying silently even after she fell asleep. I knew what I had to do. At the back of my mind, I knew there was a possibility that she’d find me, so I sent most of my belongings to storage and didn’t bother unpacking.

I slid out of bed and dressed quickly, moving about as silent as possible.

One last kiss, one last glance.

“I love you.”

The next morning, Kim Taeyeon finally shed her first tears after a long time.

A/N:

this was such a spur-of-the-moment story, the prompt given to me by my close friend just the other day. i honestly thought it'd be more of a fluff piece, but ended up a bit angsty.

hope it wasn't that bad. lol.

thanks for reading! <3