I am standing here. Standing here at the gate contemplating to enter. I am thinking of how I would meet you after so long. How will I look at you?
Coming to think about it, when was the last time I saw you? All that are flashing in my mind to answer that question is some fragments of memory from some time back, maybe last month.

I remember myself being in a room full of people. We were sitting around a table. Suddenly everyone left, it was just you and me sitting there and we were talking about something, I don't remember the discussion or any other words except for one thing.

You suddenly looked at me with an expression something in between surprise and agony. Your eyes were shining, tears trying to fall out as you said

You: "Don't say such things just like that"

Me: "What wrong did I say?"

Me: "Don't say it, "who do I have without you?"

I realized who I was talking to. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I opened my eyes, your face vanished like some glitters in the air.

The memory of your tears strained and pained face haunted me for a while. I barely dream of you but why are you always crying in my dream, when all I have in my memory is your smile. The most beautiful I have ever seen in my life. The kind that brings peace to every soul that is lucky enough to observe every bit of it. The smile that can bloom flowers in a hidden forest. That is what I always remembered from our first encounter. I forgot to ask you, have you ever remembered our first meet? Anyone hardly ever remembers their memories at the age of five, so do I. But I still remember that day as fresh as ever.

Being an introverted kid I was always confused about how to act or simply to talk to anybody. I remember the teacher assigning me to your sit. You came flashing that bunny smile of yours and captured my hand that stayed that way as the longest sustaining part of my life. That was the lifeline I was looking for back in those days.

You: Hi, I am Jungkook, nice to meet you. How nice, we are seatmates!"

Me: "Tae... Kim Taehyung, nice to meet you too, Jung...kook!"

Having the weird personality of talking too much in class while being shy in front of teachers or unknown people, I was annoying the hell out of Yoongi, my cousin, the only person I knew in school, and unknowingly the teacher as well. As a result, I was exchanged to the seat of the little shy but the sweetest kid in class that was you. Even after being super talkative in my comfort zone, I didn't know how to initiate a conversation with a stranger and contradicting what I knew about you, you took the first step to introduce yourself, "Hi I am Jungkook, nice to meet you." I tried smiling at you. After that day it was me clinging to you at everything and you let me be myself. Me helping you to be more confident. Us being us. I was so happy to have you as my best friend, even that was not my age to know how much it means. Just like that, the first year of elementary school passed but happiness wasn't on my side forever and you announced you were leaving the country for the US soon. 

We were so young to give promises of exchanging letters or to understand the means of keeping contacts. So we lost each other, made life in our ways. Having the only thing that is slight memories of each other.

Never thought about seeing you again in life, definitely not the way of having you tangled in this worthless's life the way it happened.

Amidst growing up, meeting new people, making new friends, aiming for some life targets and complexities of life I never forgot about you Jungkook. Your memory was somehow stored back in my head all the time, the first-ever friend of my life.

Taking a deep breath I entered crossing the gate. The allay of courtyards is nicely decorated with shrubs and decorative trees. Someone must be taking care of your place well. My heart thumping a bit faster. How would I feel to see you after all these years? How you must look now? 

I couldn't believe life will separate us so that I will have to feel so nervous to see you when you were all about comfort.
The comfort that I always miss after you being away from me.
The comfort that I didn't know I always missed before seeing you again. 

How did I feel when I saw you next?

You were my first ever friend Jungkook. The closest to my heart that I will always preserve is like a treasure. This is what I told myself and like every promise meant to be broken, I didn't keep you on my priority list. I only remembered your existence through the feeling of having you as a first friend and the rest of my feelings remained inexistent.

 Do you still remember the day we met for the first time after 11 years? I still remember that day, you were still that Jungkook, the one with the most comforting smile.

Back then puberty hit me badly and the weird characteristic of a shy me took dominance over the ambivert me. I gradually turned into a real introvert person. Due to that, I didn't have many friends except for Yoongi and Seokjin, my neighbor. Seokjin was telling me about befriending a new boy in the school, who returned from the US and happened to be the son of his father's friend. The guy who happened to be an excellent football player. Seokjin was supposed to introduce him to the football club's president that day, a very good friend of his. Seokjin had an invitation from him for one of their soccer matches and was just telling me to tag along.

S: Tae, I know you don't have any class now. Let's go with me, I'll introduce you to him. I feel like you both can be good friends, he is a very nice guy!

T: Seokjin, I am not sure. You know how awkward I go around people. I might embarrass myself. Namjoon will be there, you go and enjoy it.

S: I will be very bored. You know I don't like soccer.

T: Your friends will be there.

S: Yes, but they will be the ones immersing in the game and I will need someone to share my boredom. 

T: But...

We looked to the other end of the hall hearing a commotion nearby. Someone was falling on the floor after bumping into another person.

N: Can't you see where you're going?

J: I am extremely sorry bro, I was walking backward just at the wrong time. Wouldn't have hurt you if I have noticed. 

Said the guy who was extending his hand for the other guy to stand up. The fallen guy took his hand.

N: Alright. Quite a strong man you are, my shoulder's gonna hurt for a while.

J: Sorry, again.

N: I'll excuse you for that on one condition. 

J: Condition? Thought we already settled.

N: Join me in the soccer club, those cuff muscles and reflexes of your screams soccer and my eyes don't lie.

Seokjin moved forward from where we were standing.

S: President of the soccer club started scouting for this year already! Namjoon can you be any less creepy to a stranger!

N: Stop it Jin! We are in the same school we can become friends anytime!

S: Speaking of friends- let's make this easier for you. Meet my friend Jungkook, a high school freshman. Returned from the US recently. Jungkook this is Namjoon the president

J: Of soccer club, whom I already told you to introduce me to earlier! Wow, didn't think a shoulder bumping can turn out to be such a nice coincidence! The world is so small!

I shook my head to come out of the 'shooked' state I was in. 'Is this... Real?' is what I was telling myself and suddenly heard Seokjin speak

S: Hey Tae, come here. I want you guys to know each other too.

I saw your eyes, those big eyes going wider. I was just starting to see all the wonders those gravitating eyes could show. I didn't know what gave me the courage at that moment that I decided to speak out.

T: Speaking of coincidences, are you Jeon Jungkook from Golden child elementary school, the shy kid with only one friend who is another weird kid, nursery group, left for the US and returned just after 11 years?

J: Kim Taehyung, that weird little kid, with an elephant on the arm?

S: Elephant? Tae what is he talking about? Do you guys know each other? 
 Jin asked from his dumbfounded state.

J: Oh my god! Did you remember me? 

You said

T: Wow, the world is small.

I felt all the nostalgia and childhood innocence wash over me. I smiled at the friend, the friendship that was built over only selflessness, innocence, and love. I came out of my emotional reverie and looked at your eyes again.

T: Good to see you again Jungkook. 

You reflected my smile. Those comforting smile, looking like a bunny with those front teeth of yours, face like a baby, skin like fresh milk, eyes that radiates comfort. I knew that moment I got my long-lost friend back. I knew I had nothing to feel insecure about around you. You hugged me. I hugged you back

T: I missed you Jungkook.

J: I have always remembered you Taehyung.

I found you, my first-ever friend. A friend forever. Football matches never seemed so exciting before that and anything never felt more thrilling than sitting through 90 minutes within a crowd for an introvert like me while watching you making use of those muscles and Herculean body features after that ever. The first year of high school went on catching up to missing details of each other's life. Through the year from freshmen till Junior year, our friendship grew only stronger and stronger. We made our friend circle with Seokjin, Namjoon, you, me, and even Yoongi the sloth used to hang out with us. You and I had our routine of hanging out. An unspoken promise of being an unbreakable part of each other's was being made and we never realized. 

This time this Jungkook had a lot more friends and this Taehyung was a loner but that didn't stop us from being special to each other. Still, probably there was one thing that kept me away from taking the chance to be the closest to you that could be possible. I was one secret away that I wish I felt earlier than others did.

I still remember Yoongi telling me this one day just like he says things out of nowhere.

Y: Tae, you know whatever you are doing is going to hurt you more than anyone.

T: Where is this coming from?

Y: Why did you accept Hyorin's proposal when you can't even love her?

T: Yoongi, I just said I would like to go on a date with her that doesn't mean we are already are official or something. Also, she is a nice girl just my type, what makes you think I can't love her?

Y: How can you when your heart is not where you think it is?

T: How can you say that? As if you know me better.

Y: Of course, I do know that you ignore what you should not.

T: Yoongi, tell me clearly or stop spitting nonsense.

Y: Yeah, it's yours to figure out anyway.

Yoongi being Yoongi stopped saying anything after that.

I started going on dates with Hyorin for the next two months. It was nice, she was a nice girl, everything was almost perfect. However, perfect isn't always the best and something that makes you happy. Who knows it better than you now?

You and I still had our routine of weekly hangouts in our senior years of high school. I was coming back from the book club's monthly meeting. I was late for one of our meet-ups, so I was rushing through the hallway towards the gym and suddenly I saw Hyorin standing in the middle of the empty hallway as if waiting for me. I was thinking about whether to go to her then she looked up.

T: We were not supposed to meet today.

H: Tae I need to talk to you.

T: Okay, say it.

H: I know you received my message.

I went speechless for a while.

H: You didn't reply to me back or anything.

T: I was about to call you soon but I didn’t know what to say to you yet.

H: Please don't act confused now, you knew this was coming.

I knew it. We had dates six times this month. How come anyone not notices this, especially someone as observant as Hyorin.

T: You said you want to end it. Why are you here then?

H:  I need to know the truth from you. You don't have to love me back or anything but please accept the truth. You knew I am gonna find out from the beginning. You still never said no to me in anything. Tae, please confess to me so that my remaining respects for you last at least.

T: You know it already, I am sorry I should have told you earlier. I am sorry that I grew out of any feelings. You don't deserve this. You are right about ending this. I need to go now. Jungkook is waiting for me.  

There was a sudden change in her expression. She looked at me squinting her eyes.

H: Tae, he should know it. You are fooling yourself.

T: Why is he coming into this discussion?

H: Because he will understand. You should tell the truth.

T: No one understands. You wanna hear it. Yes, I can't love you because I am not capable of feeling anything for you. Why? Yes because probably I am gay. He may or may not have a role in making me realize that but that doesn’t mean anything. I am sorry I didn't realize it sooner but this news can't go out at any cost. If I have to date more girls to hide it, to change it, I'll do it but I can't come out. No One can know about it. Especially, Jungkook can't know it at any cost. He is going to hate me. I can't ruin my friendship with him for any nonsense. It's just a phase. It'll go away anyway.

H: If you do this, he is gonna hate you anyway.

T: What do you mean?

H: Don't be so oblivious Kim Taehyung...... I came here to restore my trust in you. It seems like it's gonna be hard. I will still be your friend. As a friend, I wish you all the best. I hope you don't have to regret it in the future.

I didn't understand the truth in her words. I left with a fuzzy mind and perplexing thoughts, I took a turn, and then I saw Jungkook standing at the intersection of two hallways. Standing alone, head low as if deciding about something.

T: Jungkook, sorry I am late. You didn't have to come looking for me. 

He looked up. There was something in his eyes. I didn't know how to read it, agony or sympathy or mistrust?

J: Yeah, I shouldn't have maybe.

T: Why are you saying so? 

Did he hear us? My heart was thumping like crazy

J: Should have known you'd be late, you sloth! 

He said with a smirk. I exhaled in relief

T: Oh yeah. Sorry, it won't happen again.

J: You broke my trust. I saw you and Hyorin.

I looked up at him being shocked.

T: Jungkook, I didn't mean to... (he can't mean anything else, right?)

J: You traitor!

Something about that tone made me a little startled.

T: Kookie, listen...

J: If you wanted to meet your girlfriend that bad why did you promise me today's hangout? You can't keep me in oblivion.

I exhaled a suppressed breath.

T: It's nothing like that Kook. She and I just broke up.

You seemed surprised. Something about that didn't reach your eyes. 

J: Really? It must be really sad then.

T: I'm alright. It was never a serious relationship anyway.

J: I am talking about her idiot. She seemed to be so into you. Anyway, if you say so.

T: Yeah, let's go we are getting late.

J: Oh really now? Treat me something good I might forgive you. 

T: Let's go.

I smiled, you smiled back with your signature baby smile. But... was it my dubious mind or something was missing. You behaved very normally after that and I didn't dwell on that for long.

I wish I knew I am gonna pay such a high price for hiding the truth back then. How could I not trust my first and second-best friend, Jeon Jungkook? I wish Hyorin told me what she meant back then. But that's my mind making excuses. Did I ever realize it back then? When was the first day I realized it?

I remember when I got the slightest hint. And right after that, everything went out of my control. It was back in the university.

It all started with him. 

I think our path was destined to cross every time. I wish I had realized what destiny was trying to tell me. After high school, we both got into the same college, the same department, the Department of Arts. You chose Mass Media and Filmography and I chose Theatre and Digital Art.

I wish I had the courage at that time. Did I ever have? Do I still have? 

Our first few days of university. Oh, how memorable it was just as every other moment spent with each other. But it was extra memorable for me. As at that time we had to hang out managing through all our hectic schedules, I was realizing how much I cherish all those scarce beautiful moments. How much I crave for it more. How much I crave, you. And soon the moment came when all the words from Yoongi, all the words by Hyorin made more sense to me. 
The truth that I ran away from all the time started haunting me with tenfold strength towards it. I don't know what I was planning to do about it. But I realized what I have done to myself when he came into the picture. I realized what I have done to you when it all started and it was already too late.

The change of our fate came in the name of Park Jimin. The first time he entered the class that we had with his department and you looked at him, I knew my breath got out of my body. I could hear the sounds of thousands of glasses shattered as if a strong storm blew over my castle of glass. Every color got out of my vision. I looked between you two. Your eyes sparked the same way mine does every time I looked at you. 

Who wouldn't have loved Jimin back in those days? He was the nicest guy to be around. He was caring, maybe a little extra caring to whoever he likes. It was only obvious he will also like the most striking person in the class. Unlike me, he was brave. A perfect guy, I could give it up for. For you to be happy.

It became the topic of the day when he declared he was gay after he was first ever asked out by a girl. I still remember the look on your face when Hoseok our classmate came to us talking about it.
HS: Hey vice president Jungkook you didn't come to the dance club today. We had an important meeting about the event.
J: Oh I had a paper submission. I told Jimin about it. Send me the meeting minutes later.
HS: Oh talking about Jimin have you heard what happened today?
With a pause you replied -
J: No I didn't have time to hear any gossip

Hoseok gave you a pointed look.

HS: Sure you would not want it anyway but I am gonna tell you.

Smirking he started saying, "Some girl proposed to Jimin today and he rejected her, which is very normal. But later she started spreading rumors that she lost interest in Jimin because he is gay. It was during lunchtime, Jimin suddenly came out of nowhere and bashed her saying "Yes I am gay, thanks for clearing things on my behalf. But you know what? You could have just asked me before being my broadcasting channel.". She was so shocked, it was worthwhile watching it."

You looked at Hoseok with amusement glinting in your eyes. Your eyes always being so expressive.

J: "Good. That guy has guts." You said straight up looking at me.

HS: You know what's more interesting though? Some of his friends who were around told me that he rejected her saying he already likes someone rather than saying he is gay.  

J: Well he really might but what's so surprising about it?

HS: You like him, don't you? 

J: We are friends, Hoseok! 

Hoseok winked at you. You just gave off a smile and looked at me. Your eyes looking confused at me. I felt like some sort of chill as if I was challenged for something terrible but I didn't know what it was to put my finger on it. At that same moment, Jimin was suddenly walking by from afar and you turned to him. I could hear cracks forming in my heart as you smiled at each other. I could read that face of yours. Of all people, I would know because it is the same way I smile at you. 

I would never forget that look on your face a few days later from that incident when Yeogyem teased you saying "Of course Jimin would reject even any other guy on the world. We all know he has a thing for you!" You rolled your eyes at Yeogyeom giving a shy smile. Then you suddenly looked at me. There was something in your eyes. Some sort of expectations, a glint of hesitation glimmering in the corner of your eyes. Then you smiled. The one someone gives when they figure out the joke part of a statement. I was shocked I got the same vibe I got that day in high school. As if you see something through me. Then Jimin came to us to talk to you about something. And your smile changed. An adoration is marked all over your face. Reflecting the same one Jimin had on his face for you. My heart broke into millions of pieces on that exchange. I was late, I don't stand a chance here anymore.

It didn't take long after that. The day of the death of my love came soon after that. Your eyes were twinkling like the starry night sky when you told me how Jimin confessed to you on a cherry blossom day in the park. Just the way you have always imagined getting a love confession. You both were so happy during that time. A bit too happy to be normal. Crazy in love. A craziness that only kept amplifying until it took everything by storm. 

You both dated from Junior year till graduation and it was only obvious that you'll move in together after that. The love that seemed crazy and stupid was turning into something that now I wish I could only realize earlier. 

I kinda felt awkward by Jimin's behavior every time I used to hang out with you. He and I were becoming good friends as well until he told me something one day that took me by utter surprise. It was during some days before graduation. I was heading towards my room after a stressful exam. I wanted to be comforted by my best friend. Senior year was getting on the nerves for all of us and I was kinda craving the hangout times with you more, yes only as a friend as I had no one else but you to be a friend to, to love.  Just a few days to hang out after that the ceremony and we are off to the road of unemployment and struggles for jobs. However, we had only this time till convocation before that. That is why you and I planned to enjoy these last few days of freedom to the fullest. We both planned for dinner only for both of us on that day after the practice of the song performance we were doing for the Pre-Graduation Celebration. Right after I left the class and was heading to the hallway overjoyed with the completion of struggles of the past four years. I was thinking about our plans, probably these are also the last few days I will get to hang out with you this much as we never know where life will take us next. The 'move on' phase might hit me real hard once the physical distance surfaces and pushes its way into my heart. My train of thought stops suddenly as Jimin called me from behind. 

T: Hi Jimin, I thought you'd be in dance practice now. I was just going to see Jungkook. 

Ji: Is that why you're going?

T: Huh?

Ji: Taehyung, I am sorry I thought I would never talk about this but I can't keep it to myself anymore.

T: Did something happen Jimin?

Ji: Tae, I know what you feel about Jungkook.

I felt something stuck in my throat. My breathing was being more frequent. I managed to say

T: What do you mean Jimin? I don't understand.

Ji: Tae, I understand. Of all people you and I both know the best what someone's eyes say when they are around Jungkook especially if they have the same feelings as me.

T: Jimin you got it all wrong. Jungkook and I have always been friends. You are the only one in Jungkook's life.

Ji: Maybe I am. Maybe because I made a move first but you never know. I know Jungkook never lies to me and I trust you too but see I am an insecure person who happens to be madly in love with Jungkook. I can't let go of him in any way. Tae, please understand you being around Jungkook makes me anxious about myself. I may be his boyfriend but you both share a special bond I have no access to. 

T: I am his best friend Jimin and only his friend. I know what Jungkook feels about you from the very first day you both met and I am telling you to believe me it's always the same. I know Jungkook for the longest time and that's why if something was to happen it would have happened a lot earlier.

Ji: I know but I can't do anything about my heart. I am sorry Tae. I thought a lot about it before coming to you. I never said this to you before because I didn't want it to hamper my relation with Jungkook. Now we are graduating, this is a good time for me to say this without Jungkook having any doubts about you being distant from him. From now on please hang out with Jungkook as little as possible, close to never especially when I am not around.

T: Jimin, please don't take my friend away from me. 

Ji: This is why I am doing this Taehyung. You need to move on. Go meet him for now and don't tell him anything about this conversation. 

I went to meet you that day with a heavy heart. It felt as if my death gave me a visit and told me how long I have left. However, I did my best to keep those feelings from you. We both spent the movie night with dinner as normally as if I never got a restraining order on my friendship and everything is just as same as before. But there was something off about you. Somewhere it felt like you were also trying to enjoy the night more than usual. You felt too friendly that is close to fake. You were hyped up too much on my jokes. Laughing and smiling on everything during the song practice, more than you ever did. Even the animation was not as good as to be ranked highest in your best-watched list as you were saying. You even enjoyed the 'mint chocolate ice cream for dessert that I always have to nag at you to taste. I might have thought you came to visit your friend who is dying in a few days and wanted to cheer him up if I didn't know better. After dinner, I took out the beer bottles that you brought and we were talking about life after graduation and plans just like usual. It still felt like something was off. You suddenly looked at me and I had a déjà vu. You had that same unreadable expression on your face from back in school. That day when Hyorin and I broke up and you said angrily for being stood up, "You traitor!". Did I see sadness or was it disappointment dancing on the corner of your Iris? Guess I will never know. This time I asked

T: Jungkook are you happy with Jimin?

You seemed to be taken aback.

J: Of course, very much. Why are you asking? 

Could it be a lie? I never know, this time those eyes were solid. So solid to hide anything within.

T: Nothing. I was just thinking. Your happiness always matters to me you know that right?

J: Yeah. It's the same here.

T: So are you sure about moving in?

J: Yeah that's for the best. 

T: It's interesting how every person around you sticks to you for a longer period. You're such a lovely guy. But you're also lucky. You make me feel like a loner.

I whined

J: Why don't you date anyone for longer Tae? As if you don't even want to.

T: Nah. I never found anyone like that. I am happy with everything.

J: Is that so? Don't let go of what you want when you find it Tae. You might never get it back. You might never know what outcome it brings. Things might go away from you even before you let them. Then you will only be left with regrets. Happiness comes with determination, not only with choices.

T: Wow Kookie is being a philosopher today.

You laughed.

J: Shut up. Idiot

I slapped your neck. 

T: Congratulations to Jimin. He is a nice guy. 

J: Yeah. 

There was a pause. As if you stopped yourself from saying something.

J: I hope you find the best one for you too.

After that, we chatted a little. You were on my doorstep while leaving. Suddenly you turned back and hug me very tightly. I was a little surprised. It felt desperate.

J: Tae I might not always be at reach after graduating but just know that I am always with you. 

T: I know.

And you left. I was feeling the cry that lost its way to come out somewhere inside. After convocation, you moved in with Jimin. I got a job in an entertainment company as an editor. It was close to Yoongi's office so I moved in with him. 

My job was going well. I barely went for a hang out with old friends anymore. Life gets busy. But it's also because who do I have without you? 
We started almost not seeing each other after what Jimin said to me. It kind of seemed you also were avoiding meeting us. Whatever the rarest occasion of any reunion we had - Me, Namjoon, Seokjin, and Yoongi. You rarely ever came. Always having some excuses or plans with Jimin. Even Jimin seemed to be avoiding us a lot. I tried to keep minding my own business. Living my own busy life. Hardly joining other friends for a drink. Missing you in between. Yoongi was a good company in those days. We sometimes had our roommate's time. Having a drink after dinner and talking nonsense was a good way to forget about everything.

One day in our home, while having our second beer on a relaxing holiday night I was sitting facing the ceiling not looking at anything, Yoongi was lying beside me. Suddenly Yoongi turned to me. 
Y: Don't you think this is unfair? 
T: What?
Y: Well there's no point in saying this to you, who is the definition of the wrong itself.
T: What? That's very very rude of you.
Y: When wasn't I?
I laughed and asked again-
T: Apart from the choices I make what particularly makes you say that?
Y: Jungkook

I felt like my heart got brushed with sharp ends of needles. A shock wave of pain inkling throughout my nerves.

T: What's wrong with Jungkook? 
I said almost as a whisper
Y: The person he deserves doesn't have the guts, the person who has the guts has him but doesn't deserve him.
T: Jimin loves him. He loves Jimin a lot.
Y: He had feelings for you too but I am not talking about who he loves. I am talking about the nature of that love.
T: What's wrong with you?
Y: There is a fine line between love, attraction, and infatuation but what's more dangerous in a combination of these three is an obsession.  Excessive love can sometimes kill love itself. Just like an overdose of medicine can be poisonous.

I stare at Yoongi. 

Y: But I don't blame Jungkook for this. If someone hadn't hurt him before he would have appreciated himself over detrimental love more.

T: Stop it. Jungkook only ever loved Jimin. 
Y: You never even tried to know Tae. 
T: I know it.
Y: I wanted to say if he is doing this because he thinks he likes this or whether he actually loves this.

T: Jungkook is happy. Happier with Jimin than any idiot could make him even if they tried.

Y: You won't know that without even trying to have that.

T: You are talking nonsense, Yoongi. I don't understand you sometimes.

Y: I wish you conceded yourself.

Yoongi always speaking in puzzles leaves me at that. He patted on my shoulder, stood up, and went to sleep keeping me awake for the entire night to reflect on everything that has been done and said. 

The next morning I couldn't stop myself from texting you to meet me. I will always remember that encounter till the day I die. It was nothing but another addition to everything being wrong. Another day for me to regret for the rest of my life. You showed up walking hurriedly into the cafe as if you had something urgent. You looked paler than the last time I saw you but still as beautiful as always.

J: Hi Tae. I have been dying to meet you. Sorry couldn't catch up to you earlier.

T: You look tense. Is everything okay?

J: "Yeah. It's just... " There's a pause. You are looking in every other direction than me and it is the first time this has happened. Then you said. "I shouldn't talk about these staff but things are a little overwhelming these days. Thanks for calling me here. I needed some fresh air."

T: Is everything okay Jungkook?

J: Yes it is. It's just Jimin.

T: What did he do?

J: He didn't do anything. I sometimes get these feels that he is a little changed. Maybe that's just my mind playing with me.

T: What made you think so?

J: I don't know how long I can be here... Jimin just gets furious at these things these days, you know?

T: What things?

You didn't reply. I added.

T: Is he stopping you from having a social life?
J: No it's not like that. He just worries too much about me. The other day I got an offer letter for M.A. from the USC on Modern art and filmography but Jimin can't stay without me so I dropped it.

T: Are you crazy Jungkook. Going back to study in the US was your dream!

J: "Yes but Jimin is my dream now too." You said a bit loudly. "I am sorry for lashing out Tae. It's just things are... Jimin is a nice guy he cares about me. Just a bit too much that he can't control himself. It's also my fault I shouldn't have gone to an office party that day."

T: "What happened again?" I asked cautiously. "I just want to know Jungkook. It's me. Tell me your worries."

J: I left my job.

T: Why?

J: Jimin doesn't like me staying out for longer. This was fine just a few months back. Sometimes I stayed in the office for a long time for work and he used to complain about it. I thought he will understand over time. Just two days back I had an office party after deal finalization. I told them I need to go home but they forced me to stay. I missed several outings before that, so I didn't say anything further. While we were in the pub Jimin called, I couldn't receive as I went to the washroom. Then he called my supervisor. My supervisor told him to let me be there for some time, they will send me back safely. When I came out of the washroom I saw Jimin there. He came out of nowhere and slapped me in front of everyone. He realized what he did right after that. He said sorry to everyone but after a few days, I got to know he previously contacted my supervisor to know if I was cheating on him. I couldn't continue working in this environment anymore. I resigned later. 

T: I can't believe this. Did you ask him why he did all these?

J: He said sorry multiple times. He said he gets worried too much when I am not around and he can't control his emotion. It's partly my fault too you know. I told him before if he keeps doing this I will leave him. So he kept all this frustration bottled up till that day. I shouldn't have said so.

T: Jungkook come out of it, This isn't you. How do you tolerate this?

J: Jimin loves me Tae. I love him too. You should tell me how I should stop worrying as a friend than talking in his back,

T: I should have told you this earlier. Jimin told me not to see you anymore right after our graduation.

You looked at me for a while, your eyes seemed blank.

J: Did he say why?

T: He doesn't believe in my friendship towards you.

J: Maybe I kind of knew it. I should have known when he asked what I feel..... Maybe I should go then, Tae.

T: What are you saying, kook?

J: I can't upset him anymore.

There was a pause then you said, "he will be fine you know. He needs time."

T: I can help you with a job. Yoongi was looking for an assistant in his channel's office.

J: I will talk to you later. bye, Tae.

I couldn't shake it off of my mind. I should have known what those nightmares were telling me back then. So a week after this happened I called you.

T: Hey kook. 

J: Hi, Tae. 

T: I am sorry about the last time. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. 

J: It's alright. 

T: But you know I am really worried about you.

J: If you are pleased do me a favor. don't call or contact me anymore.

T: What are you saying Kookie? How can I not worry about you without talking to you? Did something happen again?

J: No everything is fine. Tae please I beg of you. 

T: I can't leave you in this situation. Tell me what happened.  

J: I want you to stay out of this, please.

T: Does this concern me? Did Jimin say something about me?

J: I need some space Tae. I am fine really. Everything is getting fine. Just give me this time as long as I don’t ask for any contacts. Trust me.

T: I don’t feel good about it.

J: Jimin is getting better. I am sure we will handle this and come out stronger. I love him Tae. I need this opportunity to save this relation. I need you to stay out of it.

T: I don't know what you are doing Kookie. But I will not do anything to hurt you. I trust you. Stay strong Kookie. Just call me wherever you feel like it. I will be waiting. 

J: Thank you.

With that, you cut the call.

I didn’t hear from you for quite a few months after that. You know life gets busy. We all keep doing our things forgetting everything else. I don’t know when I stopped waiting for the call coming from you. I don’t know when I stopped that urge to call you without your permission. I don't know when I stopped wondering about all the what-ifs. Somewhere in my mind, I had this hope that you are fine with Jimin and it will remain so if I don’t intervene.    

It’s eight months since I talked to you last, Seokjin called me. 

S: Hey Tae. Are you in contact with Jungkook?

I felt a chill through my spine.

T: No I do not know his whereabouts for a very long time. Is everything okay Seokjin?

S: I don't know. I can't reach him. I saw Jimin earlier today in the back of a club with guys who.. you know... take some staff.

T: What are saying? He is doing Drugs!

S: It seemed like that. I am really worried.

T: Where did you see him?

Seokjin gave me the address. I tried calling Jungkook several times that day. It's the same, unreachable. Voice of that message lady after a beep kept triggering me. I went to that club the next day.

There I saw Jimin, dancing like the performer he is. So chilled as if having the best day of his life. I kept looking at him, seeing him shaking his body. Pressing it so violently and sensually with the rhythm of the music that filled the club with a girl! I was shocked to my core. I couldn't move for a few seconds. As if roots started growing out of me. Then suddenly all the emotions came at me at such aggressive speed, next thing I knew my hand is fiercely meeting with his jaw. His lips got cut, it started bleeding. He came at me in the same way. If it was not for that girl I would have reached the hospital judging by the way he looked. A monster without any limit. I somehow formed the words to say.

T: What the is this Jimin? You are cheating on Jungkook. Didn't know you even liked a girl?

Ji: That had it coming towards him.

T: Don't you dare talk about him like that. 

Ji: Then what do you expect me to do?  Do you think I don't know that going behind me to do things with other people? Maybe he has given you some.

T: Stop this bull Jimin. He has always loved you. Don't do this to him, please.

He somehow looked pitiful and sad.

Ji: I tried Tae, I tried very much. I can never forget what he might have done. It's over. The chapter is closed. I can't trust any guy anymore.

T: What the ? He has always been loyal to you. , you know what? You never deserved it. Live in that gutter you made for yourself. I am taking Jungkook out of it.

Without hearing what he said after that, I ran. I kept running till I reached your place that day. I started banging on the door without thinking anything else. All I was thinking was that I need to save Jungkook. Then I heard your voice on the other side while you were opening the door. 

J: Jimin! Jimin did you come back?

You opened the door. I get to see your face after all these months. Looks like blood has left your body long before. Cuts and bruises all over your face. Even in that state, those eyes glimmering with pain, sorrow, and fear still looking as beautiful as forever. Beautiful mess. Just looking at me water started b into your eyes. Suddenly, you started crying. I have never seen you cry like that ever before. Not even when your mother died. It looks like all the rain that was clouding the summer sky started falling all over. I hugged you. I took you inside and made you sit. But you kept crying all the time. After a long time when you stopped crying, you started shaking. The only thing I could do was chant to you, "It's okay, I'm here. Everything is alright." You slept eventually. I spent the day there, while kept talking to our friends to make arrangements to make you move out of that place. Jimin never returned all this while.

Once you woke up and were stable enough to talk, you told me

J: Since the time I met you last, Jimin was getting better, you know. I thought we will be fine. He promised me he will never do this again. I took a new job. Everything seemed fine. What I didn't know, Jimin kept checking my phone behind my back. He put a tracker on my bag to know where I went. I never knew of this but I didn't want to upset him. So, I hardly ever go to a party or meet out anymore. Just that once I had a very important and I had to stay the night in the office. I told him I went to my father's house so he doesn't get upset. But he got to know about it with the tracker. Initially, he didn't say much. He was hurt. I apologized to him a lot. Then, he stopped me from going outside ever since. I left the job. After that Jimin kept suspecting every single people I even talked to. Things kept getting toxic. He took my phone. Even after all of this, he could never control his suspicion. He started drinking recently. Every time he was drunk he would beat me. He recently started even drugs and would beat me without realizing what he is doing. He apologizes every time he comes back to his senses. But these days he believes all of these happened because I hurt him. He was always too emotional, you know?. But nowadays, he neither can control his love nor his anger. I have no idea what I can do about it. I know deep down all this happened because of his love for me. He even stopped coming home for the last few days. I thought if I showed my love for him that would be enough. I thought I could fix this. I don't think I can't mend it anymore Tae. I'm so tired.

T: I saw him in the club with a girl. He told me it is over for him with you.

You kept looking at me for while. Then you suddenly went silent. Probably, it started the breaking point from that moment on.

T: Move out from this place at least, please. You need to get away from all these memories.

You didn't object to my surprise. You simply said.

J: Come tomorrow. I will be ready.

I went there the next day. I made arrangements in a hotel close to my house. I went to your house. You were already prepared to leave with your bags. Jimin was still not there. You closed the door. Gave it one last look. A shaky breath left your mouth. Then we left. We found you an apartment within a week. I told you many times to move with Yoongi and me but you never agreed. Yoongi also found a job for you in his office. The month went by fine. All of us frequently visiting you. Me meeting you every day after works. From the outside, it seemed like the old days were returning. It's like my best friend came back to me after a long tiring journey. 

But was it true? You were never like you were before. The same old kind Jungkook but all of these butchered your smile. It didn't reach your eyes anymore. And those eyes, it's as if they lost their lives. Your eyes were still transparent but hard to read anymore. It's as if nothing was left to read like it was empty. As if the door to your stole was open and the thief took away everything inside. But I saw you working on yourself very hard each time, every day. That's why I promised to be always by your side. Making up for all those times I couldn't be stronger to fight for you. 

I still remember that meeting we had far back in a long time. I planned for the two of us to have a full day outing for that weekend. For the whole day, we roamed around the city. We went to an amusement park.  We were being excited about all the rides like little kids. Later, we visited the bookstore you always wanted to visit during our university days. The day was so bright. The sky looked so mice. You seemed way too much happy in a long time. While we were having some cotton candies and walking around some calm alleyway, you said -

J: Thank you, Tae. I will remember this day till my death.

T: Anything for you. 

J: It's funny how you are stuck with me on a day like. You could have this like a date. What is your ideal date?

T: Whatever is happening right now.

You looked at me shocked for a while.

J: Don't say things like that.

T: Okay I won't. I'm sorry. Don't think much of it. I was joking.

You went completely silent after that. I would still give thousands of lives to know what that silence meant.

Right on that day when I returned Yoongi asks me

Y: How was Jungkook today?

T: He seemed to be doing better.

Y: You know Tae I have a hunch. Something isn't good. Keep an eye on him.

I don't know what he meant but I had this eerie feeling around me that didn't go away. I meet you two days after that. The moment I entered your house I found you restless. You kept moving from one end of the room to another.

T: Please tell me what happened Kook?

You looked at me blankly.

J: I saw Jimin today. He was with this girl going to a cafe. He looked better.

T: That's good for him.

You stared at me.

J: Don't say those things! You know what Tae, all of these happened because of me. I lost it all. Now I can't move on.

T: It's not your fault Kook. It's his.

J: If I told him that day... If I didn't hesitate to answer that day none of this would have happened!

T: What do you mean?

Then you suddenly stopped pacing around.

J: It's nothing.

I kept looking at you. Your mouth was open as if trying to tell me something but it won't come out.

T: Is this something about me?

J: Tae, please.

T: No, I am not stopping. You keep things from me and the next thing I know you are in trouble. I can't keep having this.

J: Tae...

T: If you don't say now I am gonna leave and never coming back.

J: Tae, I can't.

T: Blame it on me. You may feel better. Please, tell me.

You took a breath.

J: Okay but... Okay, just don't say anything. Right before graduation one day Jimin told me what would have happened if he didn't come into my life. I jokingly said I would be lonely with you. He asked what I meant by this. I said it was a joke. Right before our last meeting before you met Jimin, asked me again what would it be if I were in a relationship with you. I was so shocked I couldn't answer for a moment. Later I said nothing ever happened between us so I don't know, you are just a friend. He kept pestering me and I was so mad I said nothing. I don't know what he makes out of my silence. It's from that moment everything went downhill. If I had told him that day that he was the only person in my life none of this would have happened.

T: Stop doing this to yourself, Kook. I beg of you. He doesn't deserve you. Forget him.

J:  It is easy for you to say. You have never been in love with anyone.

T: I have always loved you, Kook.

There I said it. I let go. Mistake or not didn't have enough time to think about it. You looked at me with a mixture of surprise and anguish.

J: You don't get to say that now, Tae.

T: What do you mean? Believe me. This is true.

J: You know what Tae, I heard you and Hyorin that day you coward! 

T: What did you hear? Hear me out Kook, please.

J: Leave Tae please, I don't want to talk about this.

T: Please don't do this to me.

You took my hand and pulled me to the door. You pushed me out and said-

J: Leave. Don't try to talk to me for a while. 

Then you suddenly looked into my eyes and said

J: It's already too late now, Tae.

You shut the door right after. I banged on the door for quite some time but you never opened it. It's all back to square again. It all came crashing down to me. I am losing you, again. It's all my fault. If I were brave all this while. Later, Yoongi told me to give you some space and wait for a while. He kept in touch with you. He was worried about something and told me to be patient, You never called me for a while after that. After that everything was changed.

Two weeks later I got a call. Caller ID showed, "Jungkook". Looking at the caller's name I hurriedly received it.

J: Tae. Sorry for being so harsh on you.

T: Kookie, forgive me. Please let's just be like before. 

J: Everything will be fine now Tae. Please be happy in life.

T: Do you forgive me?

J: I am not anything without him you know. I loved him way too much. I can't live like this anymore.

T: What do you mean?

J: Tae, please live a good life and forget everything. I can't ever be mad at you, you know? You are the best thing that happened to me.

T: Kookie where are you?
J: Don't blame yourself for anything.

T: Kookie what are you doing? Please tell me where are you?

J: I wish none of this happened.

T: I will be there soon tell me. Everything will be okay.

J: Nothing's gonna be okay. I am too broken Tae. I have nothing to give.

T: It doesn't matter. I will be there for you forever, Kookie. Please stop hurting yourself.

J: Don't waste your life after me Tae. I have no purpose anymore.

T: I love you kookie please don't do anything.

J: I wish you told that to me earlier Tae..... Be happy Tae. Once upon a time, Kookie loved you too.....

The call ended. The word echoed in my brain. My heartbeat got faster. I started running towards your apartment. I don't how long I had been running through the roads like crazy until a phone call reached my ear.

- Mr. Taehyung. The caller of this phone is in our hospital please come. 

Everything became a blur after that. That beautiful smile, those beautiful eyes, everything became a distant memory after that. 

You and I are just a collection of memories now. August 23rd the day you decided to stay 25 forever. Here I am living my life, aging forever.

Seeing you is a luxury ever since. All I can have now is this dream and even in there you are crying. It was my dream to make you always smile, to take you to places, to show you the world, to shower you with everything you deserved, and to give you all the happiness you always deserved. But life is pretty ironic, isn’t it? Never thought we would end up like that. You being so far away from me, I am living my life just, as usual, maybe way worse than I should have been for your sake at least. All I know is I am here breathing with a heart full of wishes for you that are never to be fulfilled.

It’s been quite a while since I woke up in the morning and started crying to the reality that I can’t change. It’s been quite a while since I went to bed in the night and kept changing sides, scrolling through pages on my phone. Any random posts, any random thing makes my brain wander somewhere else in alleys of memories making me all in tears. I just remembered I haven’t done those things for quite some time now. Have I been okay with everything? Have I adjusted well with the pace of normality in my life that had been struggling its way inside for the last few years? I realized I haven’t been irritated with random things and the everyday world for a long time now. Has my heart adjusted with the adjustments that I made with life? Maybe your tears in my dream are to answer to the things my subconscious mind was trying to ask me. Some questions like have I moved on, forgot everything that happened, and was it that easy for me. Like one click and you just move on. 

Like some people did. Am I a hypocrite like him too? I saw Jimin a few days back. He looks better, he looks happy. I heard he have a good job now. He is sober now, all clean. Have a new boyfriend. Heard he is doing better for himself. When I saw him I wanted to ask, how does he live his life after ruining you. Then again who am I to ask that?

All this while I told myself this has been the hardest for me. Nobody would know how lost I felt in that very instant when I knew I lost you. How I felt all my ties to this world have been broken. How I felt knowing I will have no one closest to me who would understand me the most. How I felt I know I will have no one to comfort me anymore when I am lost like this. I kept feeling I belong to nothing in this world anymore. Who would understand this, who would listen to this, who can feel what I feel – No One. That’s all I could answer myself. Who do I have without you?

You were the only happiness for me. I wanted to go to the sea, I wanted to go to the mountains. You loved traveling and I wanted to see colors with you. You could smile and bring a smile even in your hardest times. Tragically, I would never meet anyone like you.

Now here I am standing outside the gate. I entered, I started walking through the walkway. I kept looking everywhere. I find you there. There you are lying down. What used to be a beautiful face is now a grass surface and a fenced covered-up hole three feet under the ground. My mind is nowhere. All I know is I am not feeling anything. I am confused why I am not even feeling sad. This is where I should feel my home is. Why am I not feeling you here? This is nothing that I expected. Not by how it looks and neither by emotionally. All I can see is an old fence, which was supposed to be taken care of by now, and the long grasses resembling the time that has passed by.  

3 years is not that long for a student's calendar but long enough for a family who lost a family member and counting each day. I am here after three ing years. I wanted to do so much but all I can do is looking at the grass and realize what I have done. Is this how I promised of keeping you happy? It was me who acted like the world was unfair to me by taking you away from me throughout these three years. It was also me who never tried hard enough for me and us, so you would not end up here today. Ultimately, I am one of them too. Though I call it "keep going" more than "moving on". I remember what you said to me in my dreams, with teary eyes, “Don’t say such things just like that “Who do I have without you”?”