Onew stood at the porch watching the waves lap the shore. Ocean had always calmed him but now it failed to do so. So had singing. But now, he couldn’t coax his voice out, couldn’t let the notes slip past his throat without it being closed by a lump. Singing reminded him of SHINee and that was the source of his current melancholy. 
SHINee had officially disbanded.
A month had slipped past the official release of this news but it still felt unreal. It was hard to digest, both for their fans as well as themselves. It was done in mutual agreement but even then it felt like a wrong decision. 
But it had been the right one.
All of them had felt it in their bones. They were too old now to keep up with the latest trend. Well, Taemin still could. Key and Minho too. But not Onew. At 40, he had finally reached a point where dancing had become very hard. It had become increasingly hard to keep up with the choreography. Looking at the younger groups deliver such complex choreographies had made him so anxious. 
         The negative part of him kept whispering that he wasn’t good enough anymore and that he was only bringing the others down. When the fans commented on one their choreographies that it was too simple and that it didn’t feel like something SHINee would’ve normally done, he had blamed himself for that. That it was because he couldn’t catch up anymore that they had to lower the standard. It was just his insecurities talking, he knew that. But he couldn’t shake off the negative thinking. 
     So it had been a relief when they were given this option. It was better to leave in good grace than to hold on stubbornly only to be forgotten cause they weren’t good enough anymore. So while it felt as if someone had ripped his heart out, it was also as if a burden had been lifted off his shoulder. At least now, he wouldn’t bring the members down. He couldn’t help think that they would be relieved. But one look at others had proven how stupid he was being. He had felt like slapping himself. This was no time to be feeding food to his insecurities, not when they were all hurting.  SHINee had been their baby. It had been everything to all five of them. No matter how many solo projects or collaborations they did, they always came back to SHINee. SHINee had been their home. It had been the source of everything good. And now they were to let it go.
           The next day, SHINee would officially be no more but at that moment, while it still had been, he had done what he had always done as a leader. Despite the tears that leaked from his eyes, he had gathered s close in a hug and had held them while they cried. 
     The next day, at the press he did his last duty as a leader. He had announced their disbandment with a positive attitude with s also consoling their fans that they wouldn’t remain a stranger.
          Onew still kept a strong front near the members when they talked but he was lost. This was worse than when he had come back from the military. Then, he had known he had a purpose he was coming back to. He had s then. Now, he was uncertain. And this was excruciating. He had been a part of SHINee for so long that he didn’t know how to be apart from it. For so long he had s by his side. After Jonghyun’s passing, they had only gotten more closer, more cohesive, sharing each other’s burdens. But now that they have disbanded, would things remain the same? They would still be special to each other. But would working separately and having a busy schedule cause them to drift apart? There had been a time once when they had been together for hours, day in and day out. Would it now become so that they only talked or saw each others on handful of occasions throughout the year?
            Just as these thoughts swirled through his head, his phone rang. He pulled out his phone to see that it was Taemin. He accepted the call.
“Just a moment hyunggie…” Taeminie said.
A few moments later, another familiar voice came on.
“Yah….Youngam. You still enjoying vacation time? You didn’t even invite us aish…”
“Yah Kibum-ah stop complaining. Let the man enjoy…”
“Oii...Was I talking to you, huh? Keep your long nose off.”
“ouchhhh….no….”
“Yah, Taemin-ah..Seriously, have some control over your magic fingers before you break down your house….”
And listening to the familiar banter, Onew broke out into laughter. All the dark clouds melted away. Yes, things will be different. They might not meet that often but that didn’t mean they would drift apart. They had become so close because they had put an effort into understanding each other and accepting their quirks. Everything needed effort. They had put in that effort while they were a part of SHINee. But while SHINee had disbanded, it didn’t mean that they would come to an end too. As long as they all made an effort to reach out to one another they would be fine. After all, they are a family and family can sometimes be apart but the ties never break.
So with his heart soaring with hope, he said, “Stop bickering…I did invite you Kibum- ah but you had that fashion interview.”
“You could’ve postponed..”
“Fat chance.”
“Hyung…What are you doing now..” Minho asked
As he talked, he felt lighter than before, feeling hope fill his heart.