Mina stared at her laptop while patiently waiting for her iPad to be fully-charged and thinks of something that she has been thinking for like 4 months now: what if I will message her?

Her.

She doesn’t feel like mentioning her name as it already feels familiar and unfamiliar to her whole system.

Nayeon.

There. It feels like she just said her first word as an infant and there’s something (maybe love? Or admiration? Or regret?) that tells her that she should not get used to mentioning that name again, not that she’s thinking of actually making her plan work to finally end her (read: their) sufferings for the past years.

She sighed before opening the messaging app and searched for the other girl’s name.

Minari <3

Hey…

Nayeonie <3
Hi. It’s been a while. How are you?

Minari <3

I’m doing okay. Uhm, when are you available? Can we go out or something? I need to return something…

Mina closed her eyes after typing her reply. She knows that Nayeon is not dumb enough for thinking what could be the thing she is going to return to her and she just hopes that the girl is available as soon as possible because she doesn’t want anything about their whole relationship to be prolonged anymore.

Nayeonie <3
Sunday afternoon? How is that?

Minari <3

Sounds good. Around 2:30 in the afternoon, perhaps? Where should we meet? Where are you right now and where is the middle of our current places?

Nayeonie <3
How about our OG place? Is that okay?

Minari <3

Yes. It’s okay.

Nayeonie <3
Sunday afternoon. 2:30 PM. OG Place. Should I fetch you?

Minari <3

I’m good. No need. Thank you. So, see you?

Nayeonie <3
See you then <3

The whole conversation somehow gave a relieving feeling to Mina.

In all honestly, she should have this conversation for God knows how many years already and seeing it finally unfold in front of her very eyes makes her at ease because at least and at last, she will finally let go of everything.

I’m ready. I should be ready.

Mina then roam around her bedroom and eventually pulled out a box from her cabinet that is full of dusts. She opened it as if she allowed herself to have a quick trip down to memory lane from the past years with Nayeon.

She doesn’t gave much attention to it anymore as 5 years has already been enough for her to consume everything and enjoy every moment with the girl. The memory box alone is the witness of their on and off relationship and that’s why it only has a few things inside (compare to Nayeon which has a lot because Mina always gives her something even without occasions; or it’s not with the girl anymore because of her complicated life and therefore she probably throw it all away).

She started cleaning off the dust from every item inside and when she’s done doing it, everything feels like brand new again, as if it’s just yesterday when Nayeon gave her that Minnie mouse stuffed toy she got for her from a claw machine, that guitar string she bought her because she almost broke Mina’s guitar, that galaxy drawing Mina should’ve submitted for her Science class but decided to just keep because it feels like Nayeon is directly saying “you mean the whole universe, and even the whole galaxy to me” when she drew that, and the handwritten letters including the first love letter Mina got in her whole life.

Looking at those stuff feels suffocating and doesn’t feel like it belongs to her anymore. Mina personally thinks that it is the best thing to do no matter how her parents opposed to the idea of returning things to its giver because it feels like disgracing the giver.

She doesn’t care anymore. She doesn’t want to be selfish anymore. She doesn’t want to feel the pain anymore.

Sunday afternoon came and they were both in their usual meeting place.

Mina didn’t expect Nayeon to arrive there 30 minutes earlier than their meeting time and the latter even texted the younger to give her a heads up.

“I’m already here so you don’t have to wait anymore”

And she also doesn’t know if it’s her directly saying that “I shouldn’t kept you waiting for me in your whole life” but Mina doesn’t care nonetheless.

They were both in the same place but still chatting because they cannot see each other. It seems like the whole place literally grown in front of their very eyes without even noticing and they both doesn’t know if it’s a good or bad thing because it feels like the more it gets popular and open to just anyone, the more their relationship keeps on getting older and rusty just like the interior of the place.

“Where are you?”

“I’m in front. Where are you?”

“I’m wearing a black long sleeve in a motor. Can you see me?”

Mina roams her eyes around but didn’t see any girl that rides a motorcycle while wearing a black long sleeve.

“I don’t. I’m inside. Where are you exactly?”

“I’m outside. Wait.”

But way before Mina sees Nayeon’s reply, the former already walks outside and saw the cool girl with her motorcycle parked and helmet on.

As Mina keeps getting closer to Nayeon’s personal place, her hands keeps on trembling because of nervousness (excluding the fact that the box she is currently carrying is somehow heavy).

They then waved at each other when they finally saw one another in full flesh after how many months of not meeting nor talking. (Their relationship is complicated, they both know, no need to emphasize on that).

“Hey…”

“Hey…”

Mina handed Nayeon the box but the latter seems like she can’t accept it yet so she thought of a topic right away, avoiding the awkwardness in the atmosphere and the tug in her heart.

“Do you have any places to go after this?”

“Eh? Uhm I just have to buy something in the book store.”

“Okay. Is it okay if I accompany you?”

“No, I’m okay. I can do it on my own.”

The younger tries to give it to Nayeon again but seems like the latter really doesn’t want to end that “date” right away and since she come prepared for that very day, she tries her best to convince Mina to be with her for the rest of the afternoon.

“Do you want to roam around the city for a while with me?”

“Nayeon, I—“

“Please? You know that I don’t take no as an answer, right?”

“I know, but…”

“And I also don’t take but as a follow up, right?”

“I certainly know about that, but…”

“Pretty please, Minari?”

“Fine.”

Nayeon flashed her a wide smile and it never failed to make Mina’s heart weak like their first date as girlfriends where she gave her a bouquet of her favorite flowers and Nayeon cannot help but flash her a smile every single time that she has the chance.

“Thank you, Mina! You’re the best!”

I know. That’s why I’m doing this.

“So?”

“Here.”

Nayeon handed her a helmet and Mina just stared to it.

“Come on. Wear it or we’ll both get into an accident”

“For your information, we will just get into an accident if you don’t drive safely. I swear to God, Im Nayeon”

“Just wear it and hop on my back, Myoui”

“Are we really getting on a motorcycle to roam around the city and nothing else?”

“Just say you don’t want and go”

Mina was about to walk away and obey Nayeon’s words even if she can sense the girl is just joking.

“I’m kidding, baby. Let’s go.”

The older got off the motorcycle and gave Mina a back hug before letting the latter face her and wear the helmet for her, as well.

That whole scenario, even if it’s just one freaking minute, gave butterflies in Mina’s stomach and she commands herself that she should just enjoy the rest of the day for now and forget about her production meeting and everything that concerns her work.

For today: It should just be Nayeon and nothing else.

When Mina eventually hopped on the motorcycle and Nayeon checked the girl through the rearview mirror beside her, she gave her a cheeky smile and started the engine.

Riding the motorcycle is the least thing that Mina likes in the world.

Ever since that she came into this world, she’s already afraid of motorcycles and that is the reason why she doesn’t want to ride any of it. However, she is currently here, riding Nayeon’s motorcycle and silently praying that they will not get into an accident or serious matter because she really swears she cannot forgive herself nor Nayeon if something happens to the both of them.

Mina doesn’t like to ride because she’s scared. She’s scared of the sound it produces when a reckless driver drives it in the express way without even thinking of the speed limit. She’s scared of the possibility that she might fall when she don’t hold to any solid thing in the motorcycle to keep herself composed. She’s scared of not having someone around her to protect her when she fall because unlike a car or any 3 or 4-wheeled vehicles, a usual model of a motorcycle doesn’t have a designated protection for the riders. And that is why Mina hates it.

She keeps on having silent prayers in her mind while staring blankly at the road in front of them because even if something tells her that she should trust the driver and Nayeon is the driver and therefore she should really trust her among all people, however, she cannot help it. She may trust Nayeon, but cannot trust the motorcycle nor the whole ride because any moment, she feels like she will fall and they will crash at any electric post or something.

She tries to distract herself by thinking of the possible things they will talk about the production meeting they will have after that agenda with Nayeon. She tries to draft a message to her Director that she might attend the meeting late because of some circumstances (which they both know that it’s just about her lover), but she will still attend and try to make it on time.

Nayeon then checks the rearview mirror again and saw Mina’s lost facial expression that is why she tried to open a conversation.

“How is your brother doing? Did he enrolled for college already?”

“Yeah. He’s doing fine.”

“And your younger brother? Is he on high school already?”

“Yes. On 7th grade.”

“Okay. Do you have any places to go after besides the book store? I might fetch my Mom later and we’ll go to the market.”

“It’s okay.”

“And we’re going to somewhere. I hope you’ll like it, Mina. I miss you.”

Mina just stared somewhere else as no matter how she tries to listen to Nayeon’s voice, she doesn’t understand any of the things she is saying because of the wind and some unseen barriers (cue the awkwardness and the less attention for the whole scenario).

The older checks the rearview mirror for the 3rd time and just saw Mina admiring the trees around them. Nayeon sighed and let the girl be for a while.

She honestly doesn’t know where everything for today will drag them (or will it eventually drag them so drastically to the unseen finish line?) but she still trust herself, she still trust Mina, and the relationship they have for almost 7 years already. She still hopes for the best, and by the best, she means, that they will still be each other’s endgame.

Since Mina is afraid of riding motorcycles that she already mentioned to Nayeon before eventually agreeing to be with her the whole afternoon, she settles with putting her left hand atop of Nayeon’s left shoulder and just leave it there because she doesn’t have anyone or anything else to hold on to (she doesn’t know if it’s literally, figuratively, or both ways, but Mina just wants the ride to end already).

She’s just distracting herself from any negative possibilities and thoughts because she also doesn’t want Nayeon to worry about her as her confused and afraid face immediately shows and the older knows about it in just one glance.

When she ultimately brought her mind in her happy, safe, and peaceful space that’s when she sighed with ease and remembered that she is protected because she have Nayeon by her side who promised to keep her safe no matter what happens.

Mina tried to hide the forming smile on her face and that’s when she eventually got back to reality and feeling her left hand holding so tight at Nayeon’s shoulder and so she tries to loosen her grip slowly so the latter will not notice it and pretend that nothing happened.

She is actually quite concerned with that because she knows how sensitive Nayeon’s body is—any part of her body, since as soon as someone removes their hold to her hand or arms, she will already know about it right away. From the past years, Mina just laughs it all, but that fact grew into her system and that’s why since then, she doesn’t have any plans on letting go of Nayeon’s hand to make her feel that she will not leave her (but the case is already different right now).

The motorcycle ride thankfully ended and Mina is really grateful because they finally arrived to their, she suppose, destination and she doesn’t need to worry everything about her fear from motorcycle anymore.

“Mhm, let’s just stop by here for a moment, Minari. I need to pick up our foods for later”

Mina just nodded and picked her phone from her sling bag right away to let go of all her thoughts because she badly needed to do it.

Her fingers is as fast as thunder while typing and she doesn’t care if her spelling or grammar is wrong as long as she can express her thoughts because she really feels suffocated, but she doesn’t have any choice because this is the only things she sees is the best for the both of them.

“Hey, Mina. Come here inside. The order will take for quite a while.”

She did not respond and instead just come inside and still keeping some space between the two of them as she doesn’t want anyone to see what she’s typing on her notes, even if the brightness of her phone is on the lowest already.

“Have a seat, Mina.”

“Thank you”

She felt the softness of the chair and the calmness of her whole system when she sat as she was told to, however, she also felt some dizziness because of the motorcycle ride and she hates everything about it. Nonetheless, she tries to compose herself because she knows the day is still long for them to be with each other.

When Mina decided to let go of her phone for a while and put it back inside her bag, it’s when the time that she got to notice some changes in Nayeon.

The first thing that she noticed is that the girl got thinner than the last time she saw her physically for approximately 7 months. Her cheeks no longer looks like the pinkish, fluffy ones and her jawline just seem like it was sharper than ever before. She also noticed how the girl doesn’t take glances on her anymore during those moments, for example, when they are waiting for their food and Nayeon doesn’t want to look at her phone because she believes it’s disrespectful for her date.

She noticed how the girl just stare straight into blank space while waiting for their food and did not bother much on talking with Mina. She noticed how she does not play with her fingers anymore when she’s tired of waiting. She noticed how she is as if trained to wait like a puppy because she’s not complaining about how long their order take when it’s just a couple set. She noticed how her eyes and soul looks sad, as if longing for something or someone.

While Mina is examining Nayeon, the latter also examines the younger because she can sense the pair of eyes staring at her body as if she did something wrong, as if she did a crime and she needs to be jailed as a consequence (maybe she really did something, she just doesn’t want to admit it).

Nayeon noticed how Mina gained some weight that she bets because she frequently visits their home that has a lot of foods because of her Mom’s cooking. She also noticed how the girl keeps on typing on her phone as if she have someone to talk to when her introverted cannot look someone straight into their eyes, particularly those pretty girls, so how come she feels she have someone to talk with?

She noticed how the girl is unusually quiet and how she only answer those questions with the exact answer, not giving any other trivia or things to share. She noticed how she does not tap the table whenever she waits for someone or something. She how noticed how she does not occasionally pout anymore when she’s bored and wants to do something. She noticed how the girl gets prettier and prettier as each day passes and her beauty come as timeless because whatever angle she may look at her, she still looks so gorgeous as ever. Yes, Im Nayeon is totally whipped for Myoui Mina.

When their order finally arrived, that’s when they exited the restaurant and Nayeon once again offered the helmet to Mina and the latter just didn’t let the fear visible on her face when she’s indeed still afraid of riding Nayeon’s vehicle.

“Where are we going, Nayeon?”

“You’ll see”

Mina is familiar with the whole place, though. She just don’t know where exactly they will go and she doesn’t want to worry about that anymore, she just wants to go home and do some random stuff while she wait for their production meeting. But, no, she’s stuck here with Nayeon and she needs to give out the best of this moment.

They arrived at the City Park a few minutes later and Mina was relieved once again when Nayeon removed the helmet on her head and she said that they should go to their usual spot in that place to eat the foods they (actually, it’s just Nayeon) ordered.

“So?”

Nayeon handed her a slice of pizza and her favorite matcha-flavored milktea with a childish smile on her face.

“Let’s eat, Minari!”

The older tried to build a not so awkward atmosphere between the two of them even if they did not talk to each other for how many months already.

There’s no throwback that have happened in their conversation, though. Mina chose not to have one and Nayeon respected that decision even if she have so many things to ask, so many memories she wants to visit again, so many moments she wants to discuss because she misses it already, but she decided to just save it for some other time for Mina not to feel discomfort towards her.

“How are you, Mina?”

“So-so. How about you?”

“Hmm… I think I won’t go with my original plan of going back to my work as I’m starting to build my own business.”

“That’s actually nice. I saw some of your designs. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks. How’s your own work? Your students?”

“Naughty but sweet, as ever. I seem to learn to love them more, Nayeon”

Mina confessed and Nayeon can sense the sincerity in Mina’s tone that certainly made her heart happy because all she wants for Mina is her happiness and success in life.
“Please know that I’m really happy for you, Mina.”

“I’m happy for you, too, Nayeon. I’m always rooting for you.”

The next few minutes were spent to talk about the current happenings in their life like Nayeon’s business, her past work, her family members, Mina’s students, new job, new hobby, and much things that they had the need to talk about just so they can catch onto each other’s lives.

Mina does not want to meet Nayeon’s gaze. She chose not to. She avoids any eye contact with the girl because she thinks she will lose everything and will go back to square one.

She tries so hard to hold herself back and just gulp everything down because there’s really nothing to talk about anymore (even if there’s a ton of things to still talk about because their relationship is really complicated, and no one can probably fix it anymore).

The box resting in Mina’s leg caught Nayeon’s attention and she smiled sadly while staring so far away, decided not to look at the girl for a while or her heart will break to a million pieces.

“Is this the closure you wanted?”

Mina glanced at the box before answering.

“To be honest. I should have done this for like a long time already. Before this new year started, perhaps? But things happened and now I’m here finally returning all of these things you gave me”

Nayeon courageously look at Mina just so she can tell if her facial expression matches with her tone.

“I mean… why? Can I know the reason why, Mina?”

“I don’t know, Nayeon. I don’t know… I just had to. It has been prolonged for how many years already, you know that.”

“But why are you returning all of that when I already have given it to you?”

“Nayeon, I don’t know.”

“I mean… are we okay? Are we still okay? Or it’s already the other way around?”

“You know the answer to that, Nayeon”

Mina seriously said and met Nayeon’s eyes for the first time. Both of their eyes screams for longing and pain and sadness and regrets as if saying that they had enough of that relationship, that they are so damn tired of fighting for each other only not to still end up with one another.

“Is… is everything here? From our very first meeting?”

“Yes”

“Even the guitar string I bought you on our first year?”

“Yes.”

“Then maybe all of my drawings of you are also here, I guess?”

“Yes”

There’s an awkward silence as Nayeon stares at the transparent box and see some familiar and unfamiliar things inside. She doesn’t care anymore if her heart will break for how many pieces later, she just needs to let everything go right now.

“Mina, please. I love you.”

Nayeon tries to hold her hand but the younger didn’t intertwine it with hers.

“Nayeon, I’m tired. Of everything. Of our setup. Of us. Please.”

“Mina, we could make this work. We can still make it work, please. I know that we can still fight for this relationship.”

“Nayeon, I’m begging you. For once, can you please think about yourself? Of fixing your life first before you actually get into a relationship? Can you care about yourself first before caring and loving others? I really, really appreciate everything about you and what you have done for this relationship to work and be strong, but, it’s not it. I want you to be healthy and happy first and foremost, Nayeon”

They gathered all their things and eventually rode the motorcycle again going to their last destination for the day that Nayeon prepared for the both of them.

Actually, when Mina asked her on a date 2 days ago, she immediately thought of the places they can visit because it’s been a while since they had a date and so she prepared everything for today.

No one dared to talk during the journey going to their last destination and Nayeon is trying her best to give the comforting silence Mina deserves after that conversation in the park. She truly wanted to ask more, but she doesn’t want Mina to walk away right away without finishing their itinerary for the day and so she hold herself back.

Last stop. Last stop. Last stop.

Nayeon keeps on repeating it on her head and she still cannot believe that they are finally here, and she still cannot accept the fact that they are finally here.

"So?"

"Last stop: Church"

The older gave her a hand on her helmet and the way she got off the motorcycle because she can really sense that Mina is not comfortable riding it.

For the last time, Mina let Nayeon hold her hand as they entered the place hand in hand, not minding the sudden heat in their respective systems because of anxiousness (and maybe something more).

They entered the sacred place and both seated at the latter part of it, not wanting other people to get disturbed and so they just prayed silently, letting their gaze straight in front, even if they do want to have a serious conversation without any anger and whatsoever.

For the record, Nayeon did not brought Mina inside the church and made it as their last stop of the day because she is finally going to propose to her lover and make her marry her.

It should have been the case if Nayeon has not been a fool for letting Mina experience different kind of pains in the past year. However, things were really different in their relationship that Mina doesn’t even know if she can call Nayeon her girlfriend because there’s no question or whatsoever asked, they suddenly just became a thing and it was honestly the best thing that happened in her life if not for some circumstances.

While silently praying, they realized some things they should have done for each other in the past years just so they shouldn’t have that kind of relationship in the current time.

Nayeon comprehends that she shouldn’t make Mina feel confused because of her actions, she should’ve been straightforward to her ever since day one and let her know her intentions of spending the rest of her life with her because she’s the only one she’s truly, madly, crazy in love with. She should’ve made her feel that she’s hers and vice versa. She should’ve protected and took care of their relationship more than ever. She should’ve fixed herself and her life first before going into a relationship. She should’ve prepared everything so she can fight with Mina in the battle the latter fought alone. She should’ve been there for Mina all the time, but she’s a fool who take Mina for granted.

Mina thinks that she should’ve been better. She should’ve been a better friend and girlfriend to Nayeon. She should’ve made her feel that she’s not alone, that she’s proud of her, that she will always be supported and appreciated by her, that it’s okay to fall because she will always be there to catch her in every circumstance. She should’ve not been selfish and selfless at the same time and thought of things in a rational way, not deciding everything in a rush. She should’ve defended their relationship. She should’ve loved her more, care for her more, appreciated her more than ever.

There’s visible tears in both of their faces when they coincidentally faced each other and they both wiped it with one another’s hand. The care is still there, however, it breaks their hearts even more.

“Nayeon, I loved you.”

“I know, Mina. And I still love you.”

“But I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to be stuck in this loop forever. I don’t think we can still fix this.”

“It’s my fault. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, b—“

Mina flinched and it lighten up the atmosphere.

“Mina, it’s okay. I respect your decision.”

Nayeon gave her an assurance by tapping her thigh and giving her a smile—a small one that proves that she is still not okay, but she will get there.

“Thank you, Nayeon.”

After a few more prayers, they decided to get out of the place.

“Do you want me to drive you to your house or…”

“I’m okay, Nayeon. You don’t have to. Uhm so…”

“Is this really the last goodbye?”

The sadness is evident in Nayeon’s voice, but Mina doesn’t want to make herself a fool for the last time and just want to let everything go today.

“It is. Thank you, Nayeon. Please take care.”

Mina waved her goodbye and started walking away with a relieving smile on her face. She doesn’t feel heavy inside and out anymore.

While Nayeon was left there, watching the love of her life walk away from her for the second time like she did on their first break up out of how many break ups they had in their relationship. She’s sad, she’s hurt, she’s broken, but Mina is right. It is for the best.

And if letting Mina go means the both of them can be happy then let it be. Even if it hurts like hell, even if it rips her heart for a million pieces. Nayeon will be okay, she will be. She hopes.