I am stupid

I've liked Mark since forever but I never told him.

I know deep deep down maybe felt the same way as I do.

But we're friends. Friends don't date right?

We'll just gonna ruin the friendship if we dated. If I told him I have feelings for him I'll ruined everything for us.

The fact that he's my best friend already felt surreal for me. I've never expected that I'll be this close to him.

And he's now one of the most important person in my life.

I should've just told him my feelings.

I should've just it and be honest to him about my feelings.

But I'm such a coward.

"hey, I think I found the one"

This text from him literally break my heart. 

... 

I was alone in my apartment. It was raining heavily that night. I was just staying home for the weekend.

I've texted him earlier that day asking for his plan and asked if he wanted to hangout together but he's got plan so we didn't get to hangout. 

Its been a while since we last hangout together.

And our "situationship" has been weird lately. 

We didn't talk alot anymore. 

We used to talk everyday, spending time together and having fun. 

Maybe he's busy I guess. And I'm getting busy too with work.

Even tho we never date. I trust him. I know he got things to do with life too. So I don't wanna bother him.

"I've actually liked you from the moment we start talking. But I never told you. Thanks for the good memories" - Mark

The first time we start talking was during junior year. I was asking direction from him.

Turns out he's my classmate. We become close as each day's passed by. We basically walk to class together everyday. And still maintained being friends

"hey you should listen to this song."

He would share a song to listen with me everyday. 
As if does the songs remind you of me?
I felt flattered. 

As we were walking back to our dorm he would ask me to hangout and study together that night. 

"wanna do homework together tonight? It gets boring if I do it alone" 

"sure. I got nothing else to do also" 

We would stay up doing assignments and tasks together till 3 or 4 am and still talk again the next day. As if we never get tired of each other.

... 

When pandemic happened and we need to be home and away from each other, he would text me occasionally.

Just to tell me what he's been up to. 

He would text me at 3 am telling me he's hanging out with friends and send a picture of him. 

Then there's the other night where he sends a video of things happening around him. Telling me he's having a good time with friends. 

"if only you're here" - Mark

We lived thousands miles apart and with world pandemic going on we can't just simply meet up and hangout together. 

... 

Thanks for the good memories? What u breaking with me? Breaking up for what tho? WE ARE FRIENDS only-

Friends that knows that we have feelings for each other. But never admit to each other.

If only he would confess he's feelings for me. I'd return the feelings.

If only I'm brave enough to tell him my feelings too.

"Congrats boyy. I'm happy for u" I typed out my response for his text just now.

There's nothing I could do now.

Just watch from afar. Since I'm the "just" friend