“why, why did I feel like this? I feel, I feel nothing. I don’t feel the feeling that I used to feel whenever I’m around you or when I want to meet you. All I feel right now is nothing…

Is it my fault? For feeling like this? I should be sad for not being able to feel the happiness, excitement, and even the butterfly you gave me, but I cannot. Even if I want to, but i- I’m sorry. I don’t know when was the first time I started to feel like this but all I know right now. I don’t want to be with you, because at the end, if I didn’t take any action, I will just hurt both of us.

Even though I see you are crying so hard right now. I don’t feel the urge to wipe the tears on your face. I don’t feel the urge to hug or kiss you. I don’t feel the urge to apologize for telling you this. I don’t. I don’t feel anything.

Yerin, I already cleaned all my things from here. I come here today just to tell you this. I don’t feel like we should hold this relationship any longer. I don’t want to think about you from now on because thinking of you is just a poison I drink often.”

Sinb felt the sting on her right cheek after the last words she utter.

“you should have told me sooner. Did all the thing you did to me yesterday was just an act? How you hold me like I’m the most valuable person in your life. How you told me you will never stop loving me. How you we kis- we kissed like we are the happiest couple in this world. WAS THAT JUST AN ACT?

Please sinb, please tell me.”

Yerin grip on her shoulder was hard. Desperate to make the person she loves the most to look at her and telling her this is just a joke, but her expression didn’t change at all. She looks so empty looking at the other side. Yerin slowly brought her hand to cup Sinb’s face to bring their eyes meeting with each other’s.

“tell me Sinb. Please.”

She pleaded her to give the answer she wants but to her disappointment, the thing she heard next was not the thing she thought the love of her life will ever say to her.

“I thought if I did that. the feeling will bloom again… I guess, I don’t love you anymore Yerin.”

Yerin felt how the world slowly collapse around her after Sinb said that.

“I get it.

Leave.

I don’t want to see you anymore.”

“She cried. She was bawling in front of me, but I did nothing to stop her tears. All I did was standing there and throwing harsh words to her. I’m the one who make her cry. She- I’m hurting her. I lied to her. I want to hug her. I want to wipe every single tear that fell from her eyes. I want to kiss her and apologize for making her cry but, but if I don’t do this. I’m scared she will miserable more.

I love her.

I will never stop loving her. She is the love of my life. I need her. I want to spend all my life with her, but because of this illness, I can’t.

This is so unfair.

Unnie, I love her, I love her so much.”

Sinb look so fragile right now. how she hugs her knees while the tears on her eyes never failed to stop flowing.

Sojung can’t do anything and just listened to her sister. She told her already to tell Yerin the truth about her health and how her condition has become worst. Sinb stubbornly refused to do it. Sojung told her this is not some cliché movie or drama, this is not the right way that she should take but after Sinb told her why she wants to take this path, Sojung just let Sinb do her way. But, seeing Sinb in this kind of state right now just broke her heart and make her mad with herself for not stopping Sinb.

“but unnie, I think this the right way. I know she will move on and find someone else who can be with her and protect her.

and,

That person will never be me.”

“Sinb, you wil never know what can happen later. Maybe you will survive and live like a norm-“

“Unnie, you heard right what the doctor said the other days. The percentage I will survive after the surgery is very low, but I still need to do the surgery because of my condition and also because of my mom and dad. How mom said she believe miracle can happen to me.

I don’t know unnie. I don’t know if it can happen or not.

It hurts. Everything hurt.

I do want this pain to stop, but I’m scared.”

Sowon went to Sinb to hug her and caress her hair.

“Sinb, everything will be fine. Please don’t lose hope. Please rest for tonight because we will have flight tomorrow.

I know thing is hard right now but soon everything will be just fine.

You should go to your girl too after your surgery and tell her everything. I know she will understand it.

You guys are the cutest couple I ever met. i know you both so well, she will understand.

Rest now, save your energy for later. You know right your crying face is so funny?”

Sowon tried to lift the mood and she success when she heard a soft chuckled from Sinb. She put a blanket on her and kiss her forehead before went out and go to the living room.

To her disappointment, that night, the sound of someone crying in her room never stop.

“are you nervous?”

“are serious asking me that question right now? of course I am!”

Sowon chuckled when Sinb answer her question. She just smiled when she saw how energetic Sinb look like right now telling a story to their parent. Even though she is smiling while telling a happy story, Sojung can see that was just an act Sinb put to make her parent smile right now.

Finally, the day everyone fear has come. After a week of staying and prepare for everything, tonight, Sinb will go on her surgery.

“Sinb.”

Sojung called her when they nearly arrive at the OR.

“Please don’t give up. I know you are strong.”

Sinb just gave her the biggest smiled to them and said not to worry.

but,

Was there actually a meaning behind that smile? The biggest smiled she gave for the last time before she went to the OR?

That night. Sojung was the one who is now nervously waiting for the operation to end. She can’t even close her eyes to take a nap because of the anxious keep coming to her.

(3 years later)

A girl running to a cafe after she get out from her car.

“oh no! I’m late. I should have set my alarm, I don’t want to hear her nagging today oh god please.”

She pulled the door too sudden making all customer in the café looking at her right now. realizing her behavior, sh