Jinsoul pov

 

Don’t cry.

Day earlier Jungeun called her to meet, just to tell her that they can’t be together anymore.

Don’t cry Jinsoul.

Last few weeks Jungeun was absence. She wasn’t there anymore. Jinsoul heard a lot of excuses like - sorry I have more work to do, sorry Sooyoung called and wanted to meet, we haven’t seen for a while so I won’t say no.

Jinsoul you didn’t deserve her.

Where did I fail? I wasn’t good girlfriend enough.

Jiwoo asked for meeting, she agreed because she knew that maybe her friend can help her feel better. Maybe it would hurt less if she’s not alone with broken heart.

Don’t cry Jinsoul, hold on.

Jiwoo called her earlier asking about meeting. She agreed.

Blonde-haired girl say in the table in their favourite café, Jiwoo was supposed to show up in few.

Sometimes Jinsoul was wondering what if Jungeun cheated on her? There were a lot of times when she was telling about work to do but lates she founded out that she met with someone. What if Jinsoul was more caring or gave her more attention, would Jungeun stay?

They argued a lot. Jinsoul worked as vet, her schedule was simple, she was at work only for eight hours, after job she was always coming back to her apartment and making dinner for them. If Jungeun decided to come of course. Sometimes Jinsoul was eating alone.

Jungeun was model, her schedule was different, almost spontaneous. And Jinsoul was sometimes tired with her attitude. Because her ex girlfriend used to come in the middle of the night just because she was bored.

Every time when they had fight Jinsoul was locking herself in bedroom. Jungeun was leaving, probably ending up in night clubs wasted.

Hold on Jinsoul.

Jiwoo came. Her eyes were as sad as her own. She sat in front of her and did bring them coffees, because Jinsoul forgot to order them.

It’s okay.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Jiwoo’s voice was soft. Gentle. But also in the same time she was hurt too.

“I’m trying to hold on.” There was no need to lie or pretend that she’s all fine. It was Jiwoo. Her best friend.

“She didn’t deserve you, Soulie.” She heard quiet words. “I saw how she was treating you, that wasn’t okay.”

Maybe. 

Maybe yes, maybe not.

But nothing can change how terrible Jinsoul was feeling right now. Why did she blame herself?

“How about you? How are you feeling?” Jinsoul asked. She would be awful friend if she didn’t.

Jiwoo shrugged with her arms and moved her cup of coffee closer.

“To be honest, I wasn’t surprised. I thought it could end like this.” She took a deep breath before she continued. “Me and Sooyoung wouldn’t work out, maybe that’s even better.”

Blonde-haired found it really amazing. Jiwoo was actually handling with her own messed up situation.

“But you loved her.” She said as it was something not obvious. 

Their eyes met. 

Her friend’s eyes were filled with pain, but somehow her lips smiled. She was still being herself. Still positive Kim Jiwoo.

“Of course I do, but there’s nothing I can do with it. It was her choice.”

Jiwoo was the most positive person Jinsoul has known. But yet she could be serious too. The thing is, she has struggled a lot, that’s how she has learned to survive in this dark reality. 

And it was her way. 

She just accepted the facts. That Sooyoung left her for someone else. That Sooyoung didn’t even give her a chance, because there was someone else.

“That’s her lost.” Jinsoul said and took a sip of her favourite coffee.

In her opinion, Jiwoo was perfect girlfriend material. If someone isn’t seeing it, they’re just blind.

Jungeun used to be jealous about Jiwoo a lot of times.

Jungeun.

Don’t cry, you were doing so good.

 

————————

 

 

Jinsoul came back to her apartment with Jiwoo, doors were wide opened. Blonde-haired girl hesitated for a while. 

I want her to stay with me.

Just for tonight.

How to ask her to stay?

“Can you...” her head dropped, with eyes she was starring at her shoes. A little bit ashamed. “Can you stay?” 

Why was she shy? Why in front of Jiwoo? It was her best friend. There was no need to feel like this.

Jinsoul felt soft touch on her hand. It were Jiwoo’s fingers gently touching her skin. It was saying simple message. 

She’s here. Next to her.

For her.

“I wasn’t going to leave you anyway.” When her eyes met friend’s face she saw small, gentle smile.

Jinsoul took her phone to check the hour. 

She needs to change that wallpaper. Seeing her picture with Jungeun was hurting. With corner of eye she saw Jiwoo standing in living room and watching all pictures on the wall.

She took two glasses filled with white wine.

Yes, she opened bottle of wine because she felt like she can’t stay sober this night. She needed let the stress go at least for a little bit.

And she knew that Jiwoo won’t let any of them get wasted, so nothing bad could happen.

“I like this one the most.” Jiwoo pointed at one of the pictures.

Jinsoul walked closer and gave other girl drink. On mentioned picture was her, Jiwoo, Yerim and Haseul when they were in high school. The three of them grew up together. Jinsoul was in one class with Haseul, Jiwoo and Yerim were her neighbours with who they used to spend every free moment.

Haseul left to China, she’s living with her girlfriend and works as ceo of huge company.

“I like that too.” She admitted. “Couple weeks later we met Hyejoo.”

And Jungeun with Sooyoung. But she didn’t want to say that out loud.

Jinsoul sat on sofa and took huge sip of her wine. She watched how other girl nodded and turned around just to face her. 

Jiwoo was beautiful. She’s really always smiled. Even if she didn’t smile wide at this moment, she still had her positive aura around.

“How are you doing this?” She asked. She needed to ask. 

Jiwoo shrugged her arms and took a sit next to her. Her head rested on her hand, she was looking into Jinsoul’s eyes.

“It’s about moving on.” Her quiet voice was calming. Peaceful. “It’s about accepting that things are gone and deciding to focus on present and future without looking behind.”

Sounded as it was simple.

“I know that you wonder how do I do this, but me and Sooyoung were never good match. Something was always missing and deep inside I have always knew that it will never be me.” Jiwoo moved closer and with her free hand she took Jinsoul’s. Thumb was softly caring her skin.

“Jungeun was huge part of your life, but she didn’t treat you right. It’s not what love was supposed to look or feel like.” Her eyes were sadder. It has always hurt to see each other crying or being hurt. “If you want to move on you need closure. To accept that it’s over, Jungeun and you are the part of your past now.”

Closure.

Yes, she needed closure.

Jiwoo didn’t need that since she knew for years that her relationship with Sooyoung wasn’t anything serious, they were only friends with benefits. She has accepted the fact how things are looking like long time ago.

They weren’t meant for each other.

And apparently Jungeun and her weren’t meant for each other either.

“What do you understand when you think about love?” Jiwoo asked.

Love.

In her relationship she sacrificed herself for nothing. She did absolutely everything just to please her girlfriend. To make Jungeun happy, she didn’t matter that much as girlfriend.

It’s resigning from own self for lover.  

She gave up on her dream to be a singer since Jungeun told her that it’s not real job. That’s why she became vet, at least she was still doing what she loved the most.

She can’t count how many times she stayed awake for whole nights in waiting for Jungeun after their fights. There were a lot of times when Jungeun was leaving for days because she was mad at her. When she came back, she has always expected Jinsoul to apologise. Even if Jinsoul didn’t do anything wrong.

She has learned how not to cry in the nights when she was blaming herself for making Jungeun leave. She was blaming herself for not being good enough. 

Of course they had good moments. Romantic dinners, movie nights, dates. A lot of laugh and soft moments. 

But in Jinsoul’s head where replaying all these moments when she was hurt.

Also how many times she desperately wanted Jungeun to love her more, wanted Jungeun to stay.

Almost begged Jungeun to stay.

Now Jinsoul is looking into Jiwoo’s soft, but sad eyes. She was so lovely, holding her hand gently and waiting for her as long as Jinsoul needs to think about the answer. She was patient.

Jungeun rarely held her hand. She has never waited. Everything was as Jungeun has wished it to be.

“Pain.” She answers with shaking voice. “Love is painful.” 

“It shouldn’t be like that.” Jiwoo’s grip tightened as in supportive gesture. “Love should be free. Easy. Making you happy.”

Jiwoo was free, because she wanted it. She chose to be free. She understood that it’s not worth of losing own self. Her closure was accepting that she wasn’t free with Sooyoung and her new girlfriend.

In this moment Jinsoul has realised one thing.

I don’t know how love is supposed to look like.

“Can I show you how love should look like?” Jiwoo asked and Jinsoul wasn’t exactly sure what did she mean.

Her friend put her glass with wine on the table next to them. Her attention was fully focused on Jinsoul.

This was new too. Jinsoul has never received that much attention from Jungeun. She was never listened out.

“Let me take you on date and show you how love is supposed to look like.” 

Date with Jiwoo.

Why?

Does she really want it?

“Why?” 

Her hand was in Jiwoo’s both hands. Her touch was even more gentle if it was possible.

“Because maybe if I show you what love is, maybe you will have your own closure. I’m not asking you to use me, it’s just one date, we would spend one night together not as friends.” Jiwoo explained. “And I can promise you that it will not break our friendship.”

Date with Jiwoo. 

Just to let Jiwoo show her how love is supposed to look like.

Jiwoo decided to show her love which she deserved.

It’s learning about love. Because they both could be free if they wanted. 

 

——

 

Next evening Jiwoo showed up in front of Jinsoul’s apartment with flowers in her hands. Dressed in white elegant shirt and peach coloured sweater. 

Jinsoul decided to wear dark navy shirt and leather jacket. She dyed her hair to black. She needed some change.

“You look beautiful.” She heard Jiwoo’s soft voice. As usual, she was smiled. This time wider than day before. 

“Thank you, you too.” She didn’t know why but it made her blush.

She quickly put her flowers into the vase and closed the door behind. Jiwoo came by car and of course she had to open the door for Jinsoul. 

She started to feel like a princess. Jiwoo was really trying to make her feel special.

When Jiwoo started her car in radio was playing one song. The song she was listening day before. Free if we want it. 

“I didn’t know that you are their fan too.” She said surprised.

Jiwoo shortly glanced at her and smiled again. With one hand she took Jinsoul’s and with other she was driving.

“Because I’m not, but you tweeted about that song and I liked her.” Jiwoo answered.

She liked a song only because Jinsoul mentioned about her. She checked out just simple song because of Jinsoul. 

She liked things which Jinsoul likes. 

“Where are you taking me?” 

Her skin was cared by thumb of other girl. It felt nice. It felt so natural. As it was supposed to be like that.

“Just simple dinner.” Jiwoo answered. “If you decide to repeat the date I have other ideas for us.” 

If I decide to repeat.

The way how Jiwoo was already thinking about future and Jinsoul was in it made her feel things. She didn’t understand yet why it was like that.

But she liked that.

Jiwoo was including her in own life. She was part of her life. Doesn’t matter if as friend or someone more.

“You won’t tell me more, do you?” Jinsoul laughed. She wish she could know more about her other ideas.

Jiwoo just shook her head. Smile on her face wasn’t disappearing.

Car was filled silence. They were just listening to the song playing quietly in background. It was comfortable.

Jungeun was never caring about Jinsoul’s feelings. Silence between them was only when they fought or when something was wrong. 

Jungeun has never treated her like this. 

It’s Jinsoul’s first time when she feels that she matters. Her feelings matter, her comfort matter.

It was different. New.

And she liked that.

When they arrived to the restaurant, waitress showed them their table and gave menus. 

Waitress had weird look in eyes. She was smiling to Jiwoo all the time and her voice was much softer when she took Jiwoo’s order than when she took Jinsoul’s. Girl definitely liked Jiwoo.

And Jiwoo didn’t even notice that or she decided to ignore her. Even when waitress definitely flirted with her, she didn’t flirt back.

It was also new experience. Jungeun always took chances to flirt with others, even on their dates.

They were alone again, waiting for their orders.

“You’re in her type.” Jinsoul says teasingly.

“Whose type?” Her date asked and looked around. Their waitress was walking closer to them with their drinks. “Waitress’s? Well it’s her lost, because I’m on date with the most gorgeous woman in the world.”

And waitress heard that. Her attitude was different now. Smile on her face has disappeared and she just put drinks on table and left without any word.

“You’re adorable when you’re blushing.” Jiwoo smiled and her hand rested in the middle of the table. She waited for Jinsoul to let her hold hand.

“Stop it.” Jinsoul shyly answered and hid her face in hair. She let Jiwoo hold her hand. As always younger was caring her skin.

She felt touch near to her scalp. Jiwoo decided to move her hair to the side to uncover her face.

“Black hair fit you, you’re beautiful.” Her voice was quiet, as she wanted no one else to hear that beside Jinsoul. “Don’t hide, you’re too pretty to hide.” 

Face all covered with blush, feeling the heat on cheeks. 

She looked at Jiwoo. Her lips were widen up, with soft grin on her face. Eyes focused on her and only. It was just Jinsoul and Jiwoo.

She felt as she could dive deeply in her brown eyes. They were so beautiful. 

Jiwoo was beautiful. 

There were so many emotions in her eyes, but she couldn’t read them all. They were so warm. So loving. Giving her all attention.

She couldn’t stop staring into her eyes, where she was feeling loved. She felt admired.

And Jinsoul’s heart skipped.

It started to beat faster. 

After dinner which they spent on casual conversations about anything Jiwoo drove Jinsoul back. She run out of the car to open Jinsoul’s door.

“You don’t have to be such a gentlewoman.” Jinsoul shyly laughed with blush on her cheeks.

“I know, but you deserve all the best.” Jiwoo took her hand and their fingers interviewed. She was slowly walking her back to apartment’s door.

To be honest Jinsoul though that she would feel guilty for meeting with someone new right after break up. Because she loved Jungeun that should mean that she’s not ready to move on.

But that night with Jiwoo showed her that she’s not feeling guilt at all. Actually she was feeling even better. 

It wasn’t replacing Jungeun with Jiwoo on her spot. It was something different. Something new. It felt natural, as things were meant to be like that. As destiny had it all planned for them both.

Her learning about love was successful, because this time love wasn’t painful. Wasn’t scary.

This time, with Jiwoo love was gentle. Caring and real. It was making her feel warm in stomach, making her heart skip faster. Taking her breath away when Jiwoo was acting like Jinsoul was her whole world.

Because Jiwoo didn’t pretend anything. It was real.

She didn’t need to say that out loud, Jinsoul just felt that Jiwoo is really liking her. She felt that Jiwoo really cares.

Maybe in past she was attached to Sooyoung and to their friends with benefits relationship. Maybe in past Jiwoo used to have feelings for Sooyoung, but she knew that it’s not worth of being stuck in one place filled with pain. 

She let it go long time before Sooyoung decided to end their deal. Long before Sooyoung had new girlfriend.

And Jinsoul now knows what love is supposed to feel like. 

With Jungeun it wasn’t love. With Jungeun it was toxic relationship lasting for years, maybe Jinsoul was used to Jungeun and maybe she was scared to be left alone. Maybe Jinsoul didn’t value herself enough to think that she can be fine without Jungeun. That’s why she decided to stay, even if she was hurt.

Because since today, since date with Jiwoo, she didn’t know that it wasn’t right. It wasn’t right to let Jungeun treat her that bad for years.

Learning about love was the best thing Jinsoul has ever experienced in her life.

She is happy. She knows what love means, she feels that love in the air.

She feels being loved by someone else.

She feels being loved by Jiwoo.

And she definitely likes that. 

Jinsoul is choosing to be free. She wanted to be free and Jiwoo was not only her friend, she was someone more. 

Jiwoo was someone who showed her what love is about. Jiwoo taught her that love is something amazing. Jiwoo helped her to let past be the past, something she is leaving behind. 

Now she is free. 

“I hope you enjoyed your date.” Jiwoo said when they were under the door. 

Her heart skipped again. She was happy. After that many years, she was finally feeling happy.

“Yes, I didn’t know that dates can be that nice.” She still didn’t let her hand go, her skin was still touching Jiwoo’s. “May I ask why did you asked me out?” 

She was genuinely curious about it. Jiwoo suddenly asked her out after being friends for whole life. 

Wanted she be nice? Did she want to prove some point? Or maybe did she just want to show her how it is to be loved?

Why?

“Jinsoul, we know each other almost whole our lives.” Jiwoo laughed softly. “We grew up together.”

Jinsoul can swear that she could hear sound of her laugh more often. Everyday. 

“I know that you had tiny crush on me when we were in high school.” She moved closer. They were only couple inches apart from each other. “And I have never ever told you that, but it was mutual. Somewhere deep inside I am aware that you were my first ever crush I had.”

Jinsoul could remember it clearly how she had crush on Jiwoo, but she didn’t want to ruin their friendship . When she met Jungeun she was amazed by her beauty and her intimidating aura, she fell for her. She decided to fall for Jungeun and left feelings for Jiwoo behind.

Not that long time later Jiwoo had something with Sooyoung, both of them were happy about it for a while. Because they both thought that they moved on from their teenage crushes. 

Years later they lost their happiness. They were stuck in own toxic relationships dreaming about being free.

Until today.

“I have never stopped liking you. You are the one who taught me what love is.” She whispered so close to her face. “Do you know now how love is supposed to look like?” 

Jinsoul looked into Jiwoo’s eyes. They were dark, she could dive in again. Let the darkness fill her.

Her heart started to beat even faster, her lungs were heavy as it was harder to breath.

Jinsoul’s eyes landed on Jiwoo’s lips. 

And she leaned in. Her skin touched Jiwoo’s.

The kiss was soft at the beginning. Love is soft and gentle. Making you feel happy. No fear, no pain. They don’t exist with Jiwoo.

Jiwoo kissed her back and let their hands go, only to place them on Jinsoul’s cheeks. Deepened the kiss. Putting in all unsaid feelings, the lust and love. Jinsoul bit her lip making Jiwoo moan quietly.

Love is full of emotions. 

Love is free. And Jinsoul loved Jiwoo since she was young, even if she gave up because of fear. 

Now Jinsoul felt it back, even more intense.

Love was designated for Jinsoul and Jiwoo. It was meant to be like that. 

 

Jinsoul has always loved Jiwoo.