My everything was gone

Somebody take me away

‘Cause I can’t take this pain

Your pumping heart

Raises me up

I’m not afraid anymore. I have you by my side

     The problem with dealing with the immense pain that comes with being depressed is that it’s a lot like love: it’s so easy to fall into it yet so difficult to fall out of it. The other problem at hand is that my pain is caused by love. A lot of people describe love as something that brings joy. Yes, it is true, but that’s only if you’ve found it. In some cases—actually most cases—love is the thing that destroys people. Love makes people feel like they have a chance when really they don’t. And that really .

     The other thing about both love and pain is that you can never control when you want it to happen because, obviously, you can’t choose when a person can hurt you. Even then, the person that’s hurting you doesn’t even know they’re hurting you. They think they’re doing you a favour by being there and smiling and flaunting their never-ending happiness right in front of your face like their presence is the reason you breathe—which it is—but sometimes it’s the reason why you don’t want to breathe because you know that their presence can’t always be with you.

    It how people tell you that you can just stop loving a person. It’s not the easy. Trust me. I know what it’s like. At first I used to be one of those people who used to bag on people who were still in love with the very people that shattered their vulnerable hearts into little fragments.

Then I met Kim Jonghyun.

     Kim Jonghyun was the sun to me. Even when the sun was literally up I’d still feel like I was still alone crawled up in my bed at night. Then he’d come and suddenly my heart would start racing and beating hard against my chest and my brain would turn to mush and my words would come out as a bunch of random syllables said with huge breaths in between them and he’d look at me and he’d smile. He’d smile. He’d smile because I was embarrassing and then he’d touch my face and it would look for a moment that he was going to give me a kiss on the cheek but he wouldn’t.

     The thing was: Kim Jonghyun was my everything. He was my heart. He was my soul. He was the blood rushing through my veins. He was the controller of my emotions. He was my everything and he didn’t even know it. The thing was that he was my bestfriend and of course bestfriends are just as—or even more—important than lovers. They tend to know you better than everyone else. They love you more than anybody else. They’re more reliable than everyone else. With that I mind I figured he wouldn’t break me.

But in the end that’s exactly what he did.

     Friends drift, bestfriends drift and ex-lovers drift. Important people drift away from you like a paper boat placed onto the delicate ripples of the water and the current pushing it further and further away from you. Although the site of a paper boat drifting away from you is oddly mesmerising and comforting, the site of watching someone who once used to be your everything drifting from you instead fills you with all this immense pain at once and it’s that kind of pain where you just don’t know what to do about it; cry, throw a chair or to just… drift away as well.

     I’d never expected Jonghyun to drift away from me. He was my boat and I was his sea and together we’d float so delicately. We’d known each other for so long. The other problem with people leaving is that it just gradually happens when you don’t realise it. You don’t realise they’re gone until they’re gone. That’s what happened with Jonghyun. One day he got a girlfriend, one day he invited her out to lunch with us and then it feels like a week after that they’re getting married and everything’s a blinding white palace with colourful flowers scattered everywhere underneath the warm sun. It’s so fast that you don’t get a say in it. It’s so fast that you have no time to tell them that you don’t want them to leave and when they do leave you’re always left wondering now and then if they still think about you.

     Then I saw you at your wedding and it gave me closure because I knew that you were still alive and your heart was still beating and surprisingly so was mine. You were my everything but you didn’t think I was your everything in return. You’re looking into her eyes the way I always wished you’d look into mine. But then I felt happy because you were there and you found me amongst the crowd and you smiled like you were relieved that I was there; like my presence gave you closure too. It made me forget that your heart was beating for someone else whilst my lonesome one was still beating for you.

     That one smile made me forget about the pain I endured thinking about you and it made me realise how happy I was to see you happy. That’s when I realised letting go isn’t just about acceptance as in accepting how life is, but it’s realising that the one you love is happy which makes you happy and even though it’s not because of you, you feel as if it’s an accomplishment seeing them happy and being able to be genuinely happy for them too. That’s when I stopped wishing you’d take me to a place of happiness because it turns out my place of happiness was seeing you happy. With that it makes it easier to let go of love and the attached pain that came with it.

But I knew if I ever needed you, you’d be right there by my side; our hearts just not connected the way I wanted them to be.

End

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A/N:

The reason why I included the 'JongKey' tag is because I originally intended for this to be a JongKey fanfic but then i re-read it and realised that it can be a Jonghyun/anybody fanfiction.

'Take Me Away' is an absolutely beautiful song and you should all listen to it or else no JunSeung fanfiction for all of you >_> (lol what a lame- threat)

I'd also like to point out in case anyone noticed and thought that I was plagiarising (which I was not): 'He was my boat and I was his sea and together we'd float so delicately' is from a song by 'You Me at Six' although I don't think many of us are familiar with them. But in case any of you did notice I would just like to take the time to credit them for that line.

I hope you enjoyed reading this even though Jonghyun married some other chick >_>

Sorry for any spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes.

Comments are loved <3

Goodbye for now~ (omg why the are my a/ns always as long as the goddamn fanfiction? XD)