Dear Minho,

I know it’s been a while. I’m sorry for not reaching out sooner. I’ve tried several times, but could never finish this letter. I don’t know where this is going to go. I just know I need to open up and finally be honest with you. You deserve it.

I’ve tried calling a few times. But I always hung up before you could answer. I feel such a coward for not being able to face you. I’m sorry. But I don’t even know if you would want to hear from me anyway…

So I guess this is simpler. You’ll read it only if you want to. Now I need to admit, I hope you were happy when receiving this letter. I selfishly hope you still think about me when you wake up in the morning. I know I should wish you moved on and maybe found someone else, but I can’t forget you.

I’m still in love with you, Minho.

My voice hurts. 

My friends and I have been singing for hours in this small karaoke, north of Portland. I’m starting to feel sleepy.

Most of my friends are still singing on top of their lungs, but I notice Taemin has left the group and is sitting on a bench in the corner of the room. He’s staring into space. My heartbeat quickens.

Even when he’s tired, I think he’s the most beautiful human being I’ve ever met.

I pace towards him and drop down next to him. I leave just enough space so that we don’t touch, but leave too little to be considered outside of his personal space. I know he won’t mind. He never does when it’s me. That makes me flutter even more.

“So, you gave up too?” he asked with a knowing look on his face.

“Yeah… They’re too much, really. It’s been hours,” I whisper as I look at the lyrics still scrolling on the screen.

I love my friends. We’ve known each other for almost all of our lives. I even babysat the younger ones. We all come from Korean families and all of our parents are long time friends.

I genuinely feel blessed to be around such kind people.

Taemin lightly touches my arm and I breathe out slowly. The real blessing, though, is knowing Taemin. Since I’m only a few months older than him, he’s been there basically my whole life. Some people joke around that we’re attached by the hip, but they could not have put it better. We spend most of our days together, and then still talk on the phone at night. When it’s too late to talk, we text.

Some people might find it unhealthy, and maybe they’re right. But I love this. I love how seeing his name on my phone puts a smile on my face. I love how greeting him in the morning makes me feel warm inside. I love how my skin shivers when he lays his hand on my arm.

“Minho?” he looks at me inquiringly. “I called Taesun to ask him to come and get me.”

“You call him at almost midnight and he agrees?” I ask puzzled.

“That’s what big brothers do, I guess?”

“I know I wouldn’t do that. Yukhei can call a taxi if he needs a ride.”

Taemin chuckles. My heart skips a beat.

“Will you drive me around when you get your license?” Taemin asks hopefully. His eyes are glittering.

“Of course! We’ll drive in the countryside at night and watch the stars.”

He smiles and I can’t look anywhere else. I realize how close we got, with our foreheads almost touching. I don’t want to let go. His lips are closer than they’ve ever been and I desperately want to kiss them.

So I do.

I gently press my lips on his. He breathes out but doesn’t move away.

I think I’m in love. 

You are the best thing that happened to me, Minho. I can’t fathom what my life would have looked like without you in it. You brought me peace, order, and happiness. You saved my life in so many more ways than you can imagine.

I guess I wish we could have lived more openly. I wish we could have been innocent and careless. Yes, I liked the stolen kisses in the dark hallways when nobody was watching. But I would have preferred to hold your hand during Christmas dinners.

I would have liked to be able to call you my boyfriend in front of our friends and families. Go to prom with you as my date. I guess lying to the world was the hardest. I wanted to shout my love for you from the rooftops.

I’m dozing off. The sheets are warm though a bit humid. I don’t care. I can still feel the aftermath of our lovemaking going through my veins.

I reach out to Taemin but he moves away. I look up and meet his gaze. He doesn’t want to leave but still gets up.

“Can’t you stay?” I plea.

“I need to get home by dinner. We took longer than I thought…” he adds daydreaming.

I smile lightly. We did take our time today. Nobody was at home for the whole afternoon so, of course, we took advantage of it.

“It’s only a 20-minute ride to your home…” I say as I try to buy some time.

“I have to get gas and a few groceries on the way back,” he apologies. “And I need to take a shower,” he continues. “I can’t go home like that. I smell like .”

I get up and get close to him. I breathe him in. He giggles because he’s ticklish in his neck.

“You do,” I confirm with a laugh.

We go to the bathroom together and I watch him as he goes into the shower. I’d like to join him, but we don’t have time and I don’t want to be tempted.

“I wish it didn’t have to be like that, Minho,” he says as he looks at me.

I take a moment to think.

“It doesn’t have to be, though.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, we could tell them. It might not be so bad,” I try to explain.

“Have you met my mom, Minho?” he says jokingly, but I know he’s serious. His mom might love him, but she wouldn’t be understanding.

“It doesn’t have to be our parents,” I start. “But maybe just a few friends. Just so that it doesn’t feel so much like a secret, you know?” I look at him hopefully. He nods, but he’s not too sure. “I could tell my brother,” I say that more to myself. “I think Yukhei would understand.”

I can hear him breathe out over the shower sounds. He doesn’t seem too enthusiastic.

“I’m not sure about mine. Taesun has always been so close to mom, I think he’d tell her. I don’t think I want to risk it. I already know how it’s going to end if I do.”

“How so?”

He looks at me dead in the eye, but I genuinely have no clue. He swallows and I can see his lip flutter.

“I’m getting the short end here, Minho. Look at you. You’re tall, athletic, social. The worst people can tell you is that it’s just a phase you’ll grow out of,” he explains. “I’m the weird gay guy. If people know, they’ll assume I’m the one taking it. Just because I’m not as socially adapted as you are.”

“You’re kidding. Are you saying that just because you’re smaller than me, people will think you’re a bottom?”

“We can bet if you don’t believe me,” he says dead serious.

I’ll still tell my brother. He’ll understand, I’m sure.

But then life decided otherwise. W