Wooyoung felt like he was starting to lose it and he was trying his hardest to keep himself collected. He'd barely slept the night before, instead spending his time up on his feet and bouncing his baby daughter Sunhee in his arms and against his chest until she calmed enough to take either a bottle or a pacifier. Either would work for a few minutes but she hadn't remained content with either option and was soon returning to screaming and crying over nothing in particular. Both San and Wooyoung had tried their best with Sunhee and nothing had seemed to work until finally she had fallen asleep on her own terms and the night was quiet again. Wooyoung and San had slunk back to bed exhausted and heavily relieved, hoping that the next day would be better. 

It had been a very difficult night, that was evident, but it was nothing compared to how Sunhee was acting during the last few hours. At two months old Sunhee's routine was finally being established and it was in both Wooyoung and San's favor but last night had been the exception and why not, the rest of the day as well. She managed to sleep until about seven and was content for the next two hours before she was back on her previous behavior and was crying like it was her job. 

Wooyoung was so thankful he and San had moved into their own apartment to avoid these kinds of days without worrying about bothering the other members. All the crying with their already disordered sleeping habits would be unhealthy and would leave them all sleep-deprived. He'd rather they keep it to just the pair of them so they didn't disturb their members. Yeosang was especially unpleasant when he didn't get his required hours of sleep. He could be a lot of work sometimes. 

Sunhee wasn't known to be a colicky baby, was usually pretty laid back, but if this was her new personality trait then neither Wooyoung nor San were ready for this new development. It's very frustrating and purely devastating seeing her so upset. It's hard when you want to make it better but you can't and it honestly wanted to make Wooyoung cry a little. Even now as they were trying to settle her and failing he wanted to let his emotions get the best of him so he could release the pent-up defeat trapped behind his eyes. Wooyoung was afraid she would still be upset even as they were leaving to head to the company building. 

This was Wooyoung's first schedule since a few months before he had Sunhee and he was more than a little apprehensive. Their manager was driving his car over to their building to take San and Wooyoung to the company building and the pair would have to leave Sunhee behind. This would be the first time either would be away from their daughter for more than a few hours when she slept. It was bizarre and nerve-wracking to both of the new parents but they understood they had a job to do. But it was so hard to leave your daughter when she was crying and screaming for comfort that wasn't arriving. Wooyoung was frazzled beyond belief. 

Sunhee was going to be left with Wooyoung's mother and while she was more than capable of watching her granddaughter and she knew every detail about her care routine, the anxiety that was filling the pit of Wooyoung's stomach was making him sick. He didn't want to do it, but alas, his manager was here and he had to say his goodbyes. 

San was first to say his farewells, "Listen here, Sunny, you have to be good for your Halmeoni or I'll hear about it, understood?" he asked, addressing his baby as she laid in his arms. She wasn't currently crying, but her breath was shaking every now and then as her tiny lungs were trying to catch up on the air she was missing out on as she screamed. It was a tiny bit of relief to not hear her hoarse voice but it was still heartbreaking to listen to. San leaned down to place a soft kiss on her tiny nose, the one that resembled his own so much, "I love you, okay? I'll miss you so much." 

Sunhee whined, her distress making an apparent comeback and it nearly made Wooyoung sob. It was his turn to say goodbye before she was back at full volume, "I love you too, Sunhee. Please try to get some rest before Mummy and Daddy get back, okay?" he slipped his finger into her outstretched palm, hand starting to flail in frustration, "Try to get comfortable and be patient. I'll give you the biggest hug when I get back," he promised although he wanted to do so now. He'd spent half of the day with her in his arms while the other half was spent watching San holding her and trying his best to calm her down. He kissed her tiny knuckles, chubby hands gripping onto his finger. 

Sunhee was soon being passed gently to Wooyoung's mother but even with how careful San had been Sunhee was starting to whine and snuffle, readying herself to release some almighty wails. Wooyoung's mother looked only slightly unsure but she'd had three of her own babies and two other grandchildren from Wooyoung's hyung. She knew exactly what she was doing. 

Separation anxiety wasn't something Wooyoung thought he would be dealing with but here he was, feeling the worst of it in his shoulders, neck, and heart. He wasn't ready in his heart but he had to make the quick venture out of the house and he reminded himself that he would be back soon. He just had to calm down and focus on his work, then he could be with his baby again, "Goodbye, Sunny." 

It was San who had closed the door behind them as Sunhee sobbed once more and it broke Wooyoung's heart completely. San was just as frustrated and he wanted to go back in and take her in his arms so he could make it better, but he had somewhere to be too and he couldn't ignore his obligations and commitments. This was the first obstacle they were facing as new parents and it was insanely difficult. 

Once at the company building they were both quickly swept away to get their hair and minimal makeup done. Vlives never picked up much on their faces but they had an image to keep up as idols and so there was always makeup involved in their appearances. And this was Wooyoung's first appearance since giving birth and fans were heavily anticipating his return. While he wasn't actively participating in group activities or promotions, he was putting in some time for their New Year's greeting to assure fans he was still part of the group. Wooyoung missed Atiny greatly and was excited to get the chance to talk to and greet them, but his colicky daughter was still at the forefront of his mind and it was aching. He hoped time would move by fast so he could return. Half an hour to an hour and he would be done, that was all. 

San had been distracting himself by playing with Mingi and Yunho, two people whose energy was boundless and entertaining. Wooyoung most likely would have joined too if he wasn't so bone tired. San could run on two hours of sleep and he usually did, so this was no problem for him. Wooyoung was instead sitting to himself on a comfy couch and waiting for the scheduled Vlive time to arrive. His back was pushed flush against the wall, stretching out the sore muscles that always seemed to bother him when he was stressed. 

"Nervous?" Hongjoong asked, taking a seat by Wooyoung. He'd noticed him sitting alone and felt the need to sit next to him in hopes that he could strike up a conversation. Wooyoung looked like he needed that. 

"Is it that obvious?" Wooyoung asked, a nervous laugh escaping. He felt his throat choke, catching at his words and faltering. His anxiety was very much obvious. 

"Only a little," Hongjoong smiled. It wasn't hard to see how nervous he was and Hongjoong felt he was needed as the leader for comfort, "But it's entirely understandable; you're already dealing with a lot right now," he didn't have a baby of his own to worry about but from what San and Wooyoung had told him, he understood that there was a lot that went into parenting and loving a child. And San had already told him about Sunhee having such a hard time that day, and he knew how Wooyoung would handle it as the mother, "And doing a pretty good job might I add." 

Wooyoung shrugged in response. It didn't feel like he was doing a good job with handling everything in his life. Hongjoong continued. 

"You're here and ready and you've got this, and that's impressive considering you could be home and with Sunhee," Hongjoong shrugged, "You're a pretty amazing mother already," Wooyoung liked the compliment but still wasn't completely convinced of its truth, "Try to have fun today and it'll go by fast." 

"I hope so," Wooyoung huffed, pushing himself forward so he could rest his elbows on his knees. Then he was made aware of how his belly folded into two and pooched out as he did so. He still had a fair bit of baby weight left, not really having the energy to work it off so soon, and his insecurities were returning in full back to his head. They'd first showed up when the coordi noonas handed him some bottoms that hadn't fit comfortably and he'd asked for something in a larger size. There had been a scramble to find something and eventually they had but it had been humiliating to Wooyoung. He wished he had lost some more weight before returning as a part of Ateez. He wasn't near in the shape he had been before and he was afraid their fans would notice and comment, "I might have to hype myself up before we start," he was still exhausted and it would take a little more effort to fully engage his usually loud and confident self. He stood on his feet and the exhaustion was so overwhelming. He wanted to lie down and sleep the day away. 

"Do what you gotta do," Hongjoong smiled, pulling his phone from his pocket to scroll through SNS, "You've got time," and Wooyoung laughed at the granted permission. As if he needed it, it was just the encouragement that motivated him to actually do it. 

Not as much as they thought though. Wooyoung was only just starting to warm up his usually bright personality when their manager was corralling everyone into the room they were holding the Vlive in. The room was decorated with tinsel, streamers, and balloons, and there was a small cake sitting on the table. Appropriate for celebrating the New Year and it comforted Wooyoung, but didn't comfort him as much as San holding his hand did. His boyfriend had grabbed it as soon as he was close to his side, squeezing it tight and close. Wooyoung appreciated his small gestures immensely and was able to hold his hand until they were sitting, but even then he held onto his hand. Sitting next to each other helped and both Wooyoung and San needed the extra comfort. They were still worried about Sunhee back home, and they were both still nervous about Wooyoung's Vlive appearance but they were getting better with their worries. 

And so they started the live and it went well at first with Hongjoong initiating the group greeting and then happy New Year wishes and warm thoughts. Wooyoung was his loud self as usual, gaining more confidence and making sure to tell Atiny how much he missed them and how well he was doing. He had shortly mentioned Sunhee since his pregnancy had been made public but kept it very brief. He didn't want to share too much information on her since she was still such a small baby, and he didn't want to linger on the thought of her. It was making him bounce his leg and fidget. 

Wooyoung was shaking and fidgeting so much that he needed to stand up at one point ten minutes in and pulled it off as his usual energy and excitement. He was repeatedly getting up and down, jumping around at some points and all the moving fit his personality so much that some of the members couldn't detect an inkling of the true anxiety he was feeling. Being a usually loud and excitable person was working in his favor. 

But then the comments started rolling in and they were less than favorable. Apparently, with how much Wooyoung was moving, you could clearly see his little pooch through the t-shirt he had been wearing. It highlighted the small curve in the slightest but it was enough for fans to point out and make their comments during the live. And everyone could see them. 

Wooyoung hadn't noticed at first until he sat down after standing up for the tenth time that vlive. He was getting physically fatigued and was sitting down for a break before he was inevitably going to stand up again to relieve his anxiety. Wooyoung had his own phone with him so he could read comments and watch the time lag to see how everything was going and how everything looked. He had been too preoccupied before to read anything the fans were commenting and looking at it now, he could see it. 

Several comments pointing out the small belly Wooyoung still had. Some were positive, noting how healthy he looked with the extra weight and some claiming that it was cute, but there were others who weren't as kind. Words like 'fat' were scattered in the comment section, unhealthy, gross, words Wooyoung would never use as weapons against other people and it made him feel ugly. His body had been the least of his worries, only letting the insecurities get him in small moments, but now it was getting to him in the worst of ways. He felt kind of ridiculous though. He just had a baby and it was hard losing all the baby weight so fast in a healthy way. There wasn't even that much there, but the fact stood that it was there to begin with and thus was an apparently important topic