(please listen to this while reading)

Before Byul-yi and Yongsun became childhood friends, Yongsun was the first to notice Byul-yi. 

Byul-yi was one of the six new students in school during second grade, whereas Yongsun had been attending the same school since nursery. She caught Yongsun’s attention, not because she did anything special, but because she was seated next to another student who had a reputation of a pathological liar and a trouble maker. Byul-yi always seemed visibly uncomfortable in her seat, so two weeks later, the teacher instructed her to sit next to Yongsun. For the rest of the year, Byul-yi was quiet enough to make Yongsun mindlessly glance at her multiple times throughout the day. Twice, Byul-yi caught her looking, and she merely thought she was attempting to copy her work. 

Byul-yi didn’t consider Yongsun her friend until fourth grade. It was then that Yongsun asked if she could be her partner for a reading and writing activity. For the next six years, the two of them learned each other's opposites--such as that Yongsun had neutral feelings for when it came to reading books, but would rather creatively and academically write about anything, while Byul-yi would happily read all the books in the world if that meant not having to do another writing assignment any longer. For the next six years, they were placed in the same classes. 

The first time Byul-yi’s homeroom was ever separated from Yongsun’s was in their sophomore year. The two, fortunately at least, had lunch period together. Halfway through sophomore year, Byul-yi hosted a small party for her sixteenth birthday - a combination of both girls and boys from her homeroom including her Yongsun. The classic game of truth or dare began on a whim, unintentionally setting up Byul-yi to pick truth over her friends' dare.

(Truth: What’s a secret you’ve never told the person sitting to your right?)

(Dare: Write a sincere confession note for Seulgi and give it to her directly tomorrow.)

Admitting her feelings for Yongsun may have been the scariest thing she's ever done, and Yongsun noticed this about her. Byul-yi's nose never does the little scrunched-up thing every time she's serious about something.

Byul-yi then laughs, lightly slapping Yongsun's knee out of embarrasment, the scrunched-up nose visible now. "Don't try to act like you're surprised. I've been constantly trying to hold your hand since the end of fourth grade!"

Yongsun and Byul-yi were seamlessly perfect as a couple; their parents loved them for each other. Yongsun’s personality--which was easy-going, articulate, yet gullible--seemed to compliment Byul-yi’s personality (which somehow manages to be a fluid stretch between playful and bashful). Both their parents suspected at an early age that they would eventually be together at some point, regardless of the disgusted faces they’d make hearing the predictions when they were much younger.

And then the second year of university came around; Yongsun was offered a scholarship at a university she did not want to go to (but her parents highly recommended). Byul-yi worked a full-time job after high school as she didn’t have enough money saved up for college. Yongsun insisted on living on her own, and Byul-yi paid her rent while living in her family’s basement. The relationship dynamic soon started to change--it started to feel more and more like an obligation to keep each other talking. The natural part of it all lessened, hardened, turning into strange dust. 

They eventually broke up by the end of Yongsun’s second year in university. 

Being a part of each other’s life was a massive stretch of a timeline, no doubt. Forever is a word Byul-yi conveniently likes to use when somebody wants to know about their history and backstory. It saves up time, especially for a relationship that pretty much took more than half of her life. 

The breakup wasn’t civil at first, because both had difficulty confronting and dealing with the fact that their relationship silently changed their friendship. But like most relationships, they knew it was for the best. The fact is, despite the rumours, neither of them cheated nor even thought to cheat on each other, in which both of them are silently grateful for to this day. 

The last time Byul-yi saw Yongsun was at a mall food court, ordering food with someone she presumed she'd been seeing after their break up. Yongsun never turned around for that minute, and Byul-yi went on her business to shop for a Christmas gift. 

It’s not a big deal, really – truly. Byul-yi and Yongsun have already broken up seven months prior to that incident. Byul-yi can’t get herself to ever be mad at her; she cares for Yongsun too much. Even if that meant being without her. 

They’ve known each other for 11 years. The two of them have now grown to be different people, living separate lives in their own pace and judgment. Despite their breakup feeling impossible during the first year, a substantial amount of trust still lies in their hearts untouched. 

That’s why it becomes funny. 

It becomes so darn funny when Byul-yi sees Yongsun once again. Again. And this time not on accident.    

She smells the same old Yongsun. She looks the same old Yongsun, other than the stupidly cute neon yellow beanie on her head and her black hair now shorter up to her neck. 

The first thing Byul-yi feels is a slight irritation with her timing. Yongsun gets to look decent while she helplessly looks like a ball of grease, getting only two hours (at most) of sleep for the past few days because of internship applications and deadlines. 

Maybe slight irritation is an understatement. 

“This is an embarrassing request,” Yongsun tells her after being pulled inside a washroom of a fast food restaurant Byul-yi works at. 

The following words slip out of like it’s normal. 

Like they’ve kept in touch.

Like they never broke up.

“My family wants you to come over to our Thanksgiving dinner this weekend.”

Byul-yi winces at the absurd thought, biting the inside of her cheeks before asking. “They don't know, do they?” 

Yongsun nods in the faintest way. “I'm really sorry. Just this weekend, please.” 

--

Yongsun parks her car in front of her parents’ house and she looks up at the mirror to glance if her parking is straight. She catches Byul-yi turning her head in the passenger seat, looking at the front of the house where Yongsun’s sister is looking and waving at her excitedly. Byul-yi lets out a faint smile and waves her hand back, and Yongsun swallows the anxiously collected saliva down . 

“Heejin misses you,” Yongsun says. 

Yongsun and Byul-yi have not seen each other in months, and Yongsun's family thought that it was only because Byul-yi wanted to prioritize spending quality time with her family back in her hometown - which was ten hours far from Seoul. 

Byul-yi does not break eye contact with Yongsun’s sister and keeps waving with an optimistic grin. She understands even more as to why Yongsun wants her to pretend that they’re still together, because it was the never the kind of news Yongsun's family would expect. No matter how much they'd try to explain that breaking up was the best decision they made together, they would only respond to tell them otherwise.

Yongsun and Byul-yi both get out of the car and enter the house with stiff and unfamiliar postures. In Yongsun’s hands is a large-sized lunchbox that Byul-yi prepared beforehand for the party, which is soft tofu stew and gimbap. Immediately, Byul-yi is welcomed with hugs and one bottle of soju. Yongsun’s grandparents comment on how she looks even better after spending so much time in the province instead of the noisy city. Byul-yi suddenly feels a finger or two creep up on the palm of her hand and she flinches, only to see that it is Yongsun’s sister. 

“Byul-yi!” she says, giggling. 

It takes only a few seconds before Byul-yi is separated from Yongsun. Yongsun's parents offer Byul-yi a pair of chopsticks as well as a paper plate to get some food from the table. Laid on the table are the familiar smell of dishes that she hasn’t gotten to eat for the past eight months. She gets herself some rice and sweet and sour orange chicken before she sees a small person from the right corner of her eye, examining her every move. 

She takes a quick look after closing the lid of the rice cooker, and it’s Yongsun’s little sister once again. Heejin gives her a tireless grin and points somewhere, motioning for Byul-yi to follow her. They both sit on the living room floor. 

“How’s my little baby?” Byul-yi sings, giving her a full hug after setting down her food on the coffee table. 

“I’ve been okay, and you’re here now! Yongsun has been very boring since you left, so now it's interesting again.” 

Byul-yi barks out a laugh. “You find Yongsun boring without me?”

Yongsun’s mother overhears their conversation and makes a harsh sound with as an expression of agreement. “All she does lately is study for her psychology final and write her thesis. She plays with her for a bit after school, then Heejin asks if she can watch some movies at your place before Yongsun returns to studying.”

Heejin softly taps Byul-yi’s forearm. “Last week, she let me borrow her phone while she studied for her exam.” 

“Did you play games in it?” Byul-yi asks, before making her voice sound intentionally humorous and playful. “Or did you see anything weird?” 

“I wanted to listen to I Can't Stop Me, so I went on the Spotify app.” 

Byul-yi hears an obscure sound of rattling noises from the hallway and catches Yongsun carrying a stack of different board games. The rest of Yongsun’s family gather and sit on the floor of the living room and Heejin continues with her little story. 

“All of her playlists have your picture as the display cover from when you went to school together. She even titled some of them with your full name.” 

have you lost me? (ao3)

[1.17.21]

espressochoreom