Deep breaths of smoke lingered into the mild night air as Hyejoo kept inhaling the deadly substances of her lit cigarette. She sat on her windowsill as she watched the burnt tobacco fell and got blown away by the wind. She inhaled one last time and threw the cigarette end to the ground.

‘Should I take another one?’

The raven then pulled out her box of cigarettes and saw that there was just one more left. She took out the last one and lit it up.

‘I need to get more.’

Hyejoo felt how the smoke burnt her lungs and slowly breath it out. She wasn’t smoking because she liked how the nicotine was rushing through her body or because she liked the numbing of her senses even though this was a good side effect.

No, she uses these cancer sticks because she hoping for what is written on every package.

‘Isn’t it ironic how the producers are writing about all the different consequences smoking has but still sell them anyways?’

Hyejoo chuckled as she read the warning on her box this time.

“Smoking hurts you and the ones around you.”

She stood up grabbed her keys and wallet and then started walking out of the door down to her motorcycle.

It was parked right in front of her apartment. She put on her helmet and then drove off to the nearest convenience store.

 

‘Oh . I forgot that it’s her shift again.’ Hyejoo cursed internally as she stood in front of the store and looked inside. She was thinking about visiting another store, but this was the only one nearby that opened at 2 in the morning. Knowing what will happen next, she still entered the shop.

“Hey, how can I hel- oh it’s you. Why are you still up at this time?” Sooyoung the part-time worker asked her friend with a smile.

“Hey, Sooyoung unnie, I just need a little purchase.”

“Alright then. What is it?” the red haired asked. They have been close since Jiwoo and Sooyoung got together and Hyejoo was one of Jiwoo’s best friends.

“I need some cigarettes.” The younger said while avoiding eye contact with the latter. She knew that her friends hated it whenever she smoked. Not only because it was unhealthy and dangerous in general but also because the Hyejoo’s consume was getting out of hand.

Sooyoung raised her eyebrow and crossed her arms at the request.

“Please?” the biker said as she now looked up into the older’s eyes.

“You just brought a package yesterday. Son Hyejoo, do not tell me you smoked them all within a day.”

The raven knew that what she was doing wasn’t right but couldn’t help it either. You cannot say it’s an addiction when you don’t have the desire to actually smoke. She was just using them to get where she wants to be.

“Unnie, just sell it to me. I am a costumer and it’s your job to do so.”

“I don’t care if they fire me honestly. I’m not going to sell you more. And this helmet? You promised Jiwoo that you won’t be riding that hell- vehicle anymore!”

“C’mon Sooyoung unnie, that accident was months ago. Let’s just get over it.”

“You little brat… your life was in danger. When will you realize that this isn’t a joke. Your life isn’t a joke.”

The younger stayed quiet for a while when she remembered how terrifying it must have been for Jiwoo and the others to get a call from the hospital saying that your best friend almost died in a car accident.

“Hm whatever…just don’t tell Chuu unnie about it. It would just make her sad.” The raven wasn’t in the mood to get another life lecture, so she just left the store leaving Sooyoung behind without a proper goodbye.

The girl dressed in black then hopped on her motorcycle and was ready to drive to a gas station to finally get her wanted cigarettes. Only problem was that it is quite far away. On her way there she started to think about the accident that happened a few months ago.

Hyejoo was riding her motorbike on her way back home from Yerim’s and Yeojin’s inauguration party. When some drunk guy ignored the stop sign and bumped right into her, sending her off her vehicle. She loss conscious but when she woke up, she found herself in the hospital with several injuries. While Jiwoo and Yeojin were crying next to her, Sooyoung and Yerim were looking really concerned.

The raven couldn’t help but imagined how it would have been if she would have lost her life that day. Of course, her friends would be sad, but they’d get over it… eventually.

‘Nobody cares and people forget.’

Hyejoo hates life. It’s unfair and just brings pain. She had a really tough childhood. From abusive parents to bullying in school to self-hatred. Hyejoo experienced it all. She got over her past but doesn’t enjoy life anyways. The only people who had been there for her are Jiwoo and Yerim. If it wouldn’t be for them Hyejoo would have never experienced joy at all.

But in the end all she knows is that she wants to leave earth as soon as possible.

That’s why Hyejoo is doing all these things. She doesn’t have the intention of killing herself directly but more like wants to accelerate the whole process.

 

---

 

“You did what?! Are you serious?!”

“Chuu please …” Sooyoung tried to calm her girlfriend down but it didn’t work.

“Wouldn’t it be waste not to? I brought that motorcycle. It’s my right to ride it.” Hyejoo replied.

“But you promised me.” Jiwoo felt how tears were gathering in her eyes.

“You said you wanted to stop being risky and all that.”

“No, I just told you that I’ll be more carefull… while riding my bike.”

Hyejoo turned around in order to leave but, like if it was right on cue, her box cigarettes fell onto the ground. The raven mentally cursed, hoping Jiwoo won’t explode. She was closing her eyes but instead of a ‘Yah! You pabo!’ and a life lecture she was met with silence. The youngest turned around and that’s when she saw the usually bright girl breaking down.

“Just tell me Hyejoo-ah… why do you want to die so badly?” Jiwoo couldn’t hold back her tears anymore.

The raven was just looking at the ground by now.

“When will you realize how precious your life is?” The brunette was now sobbing.

 

---

 

*ding dong*

Hyejoo groaned as she heard the doorbell rang and made her way towards the door.

“Who is that?”

“It’s Sooyoung, Jiwoo and a friend.” The stern voice of the oldest could be heard.

Hyejoo unlocked the door and opened it for them to come in. Jiwoo and Sooyoung were smiling brightly at her when they entered and pulled a blonde girl inside.

Hyejoo noticed that the girl looked pale and a bit tired but except from that she was beautiful. She didn’t want to come off rude starring too long, so she looked at the couple asking them with her eyes if they’d mind explaining.

“Hyejoo this is Chaewon. Chaewon this is Hyejoo. Chaewon will be living with you for some weeks if that’s fine with you.” Jiwoo said.

“Huh? And who asked me?” the biker asked in disbelief.

“Or place is loaded especially with Jinsoul and Jungeun being there and Yerim and Yeojin are on vacation. It’s just a few weeks you’ll manage it. Additionally, you won’t be too lonely anymore.” Sooyoung explained.

“Yah! Maybe I like being lonely.” Hyejoo tried to defense herself.

“Being alone can be fun but feeling alone isn’t.” Chaewon blurted out. Hyejoo looked at her and then on the ground upon hearing that. She knew exactly what Chaewon meant.

“Anyways Chaewon is a really good friend of Sooyoung unnie. Normally Chaewon lives in the Seoul Hospital but she can spend some weeks outside now. So, we thought you could use some company.”

“Yeah. My parents live far away. The driving would tire me out too much. I hope we can get along well.” The second youngest among them said while flashing Hyejoo a sweet smile. The raven couldn’t help but blush even though she didn’t like the idea at all. She always has been a loner.

“Am I allowed to share my thoughts?”

“Nope. Luggage is in the hallway.” Sooyoung sternly commanded.

Hyejoo rolled her eyes.

 

---

 

„Hey uhm so what would you like to eat? “

Hyejoo asked as she leaned against the doorframe to her bedroom. Chaewon was busy unpacking all her clothes.

The taller would never admit it but she thought that the latter looked really cute doing it. She seemed so happy and peaceful by just doing an everyday activity.

The older girl looked up and smiled before saying

„I don’t really care as long you‘ll cook it!“

„Huh? Well I never really tried that before…“

Hyejoo said truthfully. She never cared enough to actually cook for herself. She‘d just buy some instant stuff that would fill her up.

„Okay then we‘ll cook together. Do you like kimchi fried rice? I still remember that one recipe from my mother before I got taken to the hospital.

 

Hyejoo hesitated.

„Can I ask what for?“

„I battled Leukemia.“ Chaewon said as a wide grin graced her face. Hyejoo on the other hand looked shocked.

„You won over it? That‘s amazing!!“

„I know right? I can finally live like a person again!“

Hyejoo didn’t notice but smiled for the first time in forever.

 

They finished buying groceries and came back to Hyejoo‘s apartment.

Chaewon was in the kitchen preparing the foods as the younger told her that she wants to go out for a quick cigarette.

„I see. Jiwoo told me about that. Why exactly are you doing this?“ the blonde’s face turned into a frown as she put down the knife to face the latter. The taller was surprised to see the older with a serious expression. Hyejoo smirked before heading to the shorter one ruffling her hair.

„No worries shorty. This is my first one today.“

„You are lying. You smell like you already smoked half of the package.“ Chaewon said sternly before continuing.

„I hate that smell. I don‘t want you to smoke as long as I am staying here.“

„Wow not even one day in and already commanding?“

Hyejoo said as she got closer to the older once again but this time she looked intimidating. Her face was just inches apart but Chaewon didn’t flinch back. The girl in black looked straight into her eyes before breaking into laughter.

„I see alright then. You are lucky that I‘m in a good mood.“

„You didn’t answer my question yet.“ the blonde still sounded emotionless.

“Huh? What question again?” the raven seemed distracted.

“Why you are doing this.”

Hyejoo just smiled. “For the after effect.” The younger didn’t even bother lying.

„Why are you throwing away your life even though your still young and healthy. I can never understand people like you.” Chaewon said in disgust.

„You better be careful right there.” Hyejoo said as she approached the other girl once again.

“You don’t know nothing about me. I’m sorry that I am not blessed by having an illness. Sorry that I had to experience life in its whole cruelness and couldn’t hide from it in a hospit-“

 

A loud slap echoed through the kitchen.

 

Hyejoo felt her cheek stinging she didn’t need to think twice to realize that she messed up big time.

“I totally deserved this. Chaewon unnie. I‘m sorry I didn’t want-„

„Be quiet. I don’t want to hear another word out of your mouth.” The shorter girl was looking down but Hyejoo still knew that the latter was crying, and she knew that she was the reason. A thousand deaths. A thousand deaths is what Hyejoo thinks she deserve for being responsible of her crying

She wanted to punch herself for being so insensitive. The taller didn’t know what to do so instead of going outside to smoke she stayed inside and grabbed the knife to keep cutting the ingredients.

“… I thought you want to smoke?”

“You said you wanna cook together. So uhm… show me how it’s done please.”

Chaewon stopped crying and smiled a bit but the smile disappeared when Hyejoo looked at her.

“You are holding the knife wrong.”

 

----

 

The dinner table was set. And the dishes were placed.

“Enjoy!” Chaewon said cheerfully. Before she started munching.

Hyejoo just watched her first. She doesn’t know why but seeing the latter like this makes her flutter a bit.

“Don’t you wanna eat too?” the blonde said between her bites.

“O-oh yeah.” Hyejoo blushed a bit hoping the older didn’t see her starring. She dug in and took a bite.

“Wow this is really good?” the younger said as she began to stuff .

“You look like you have been starving for days. I’m glad you like it.” Chaewon chuckled.

“It’s really great.” Hyejoo was smiling yet again. Her eyes formed two crescents and her triangle mouth showed her teeth.

“Your smile is really cute.” Chaewon blurted out causing Hyejoo to choke on her food. Hyejoo lost her cool for a second. The taller was always keen on looking tough and fierce. That’s why she didn’t smile often since she always thought it made her look like a baby.

“Omo. Do you need water?” The shorter rushed to give her glass of water.

Hyejoo accepted it gladly.

“Wow that was close. Thank you.”

“No need to thank me haha.”

“I do need to thank you Chaewon unnie. You have been here for not even a day but still you…” Hyejoo stopped in her tracks when realized what she was about to say.

“…but I?” the blonde looked at her with expectant eyes.

“N-Nevermind… Do you wanna go on a trip?”

“Well that came out of nowhere but sure!”

 

----

 

“Is this safe?”

“Well, let’s say to 92%. But since you are on it, I’ll be more than careful I promise. Now get on.”

Hyejoo said as she sat on her motorcycle. Chaewon then placed herself behind her after putting on her helmet.

“Hold on tight!” The biker recommended. The older then shyly grabbed onto the side of her hoodie she was wearing. The raven smiled as she took the latter hands and pull them further making the other hugging her waist.

“That’s what I mean when I say tight.”

The girl at the back blushed.

‘Good thing I am wearing a helmet.’

“Let’s go!” Hyejoo said and Chaewon nodded.

 

They drove until they reached a country road. Next to it was nothing but field. The sun was setting which made the whole scenery dreamlike. It was a mild summer evening.

“Wow. This is so pretty.” Chaewon said as she carefully climbed down the vehicle.

‘Not as pretty as you though.’ Hyejoo smiled as she took of her helmet as well.

“I always come here to watch the sun set. It calms me.”

“It’s the first time I get to see a sunset.” The older spoke out leaving Hyejoo in shock once again.

“Thank you so much for bringing me here!” Chaewon said excitingly as she ran to hug the latter.

“Y-your welcome. But is this for real? You never saw it before?” the taller was caught off guard but decided to just ignore her increasing heart rate.

The blonde shook her head.

“Never… I basically lived my whole life in that hospital.”

“That must have been really tough.”

Hyejoo was taken aback. All the time she thought that her life was miserable but Chaewon‘s story has proven her otherwise.

„You know Hyejoo. You don‘t need a great past to have great future.“ Chaewon gave her a little smile.

„How do you do this? How can you be so strong and positive? This world is such a cruel place with people who care more about their monthly income than about the their loved ones.“ Hyejoo asked bitterly as the memory of her family flashed through her mind.

„No, you are right. The world is a cruel place, but it’s your choice if you let it bother you. Even though there are so many obstacles I had… and still have to face, I still decided to... you know beat the hell out of the world!“ Chaewon said as she threw her fist up against the sky.

„Haha what?“ Hyejoo had to chuckled at the shorther’s antics.

“Hyejoo-ah, everywhere you go the world will screw you over, that can’t be help. What can be help is how you respond to it. You hate the world so much for screwing you over? Well then use that to make yourself work harder in life, make yourself successful and be happy. That will be the greatest revenge on those who screwed you over because it shows that nothing can stand in your way.

You know what I mean. When life places rocks and stones in front of you. It‘s your decision if you trip over it or if you give them a kick so they move out of your way.

Even though it may be tiring. Scream back at life for making it so hard and then enjoy it even more so you can show that nothing stands between you and your happiness. “

Next thing Chaewon heard was a deep inhale followed by a shriek.

„AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

„Omo you scared me, what was that for?“ the blonde was holding onto her heart.

„You told me to scream at life. I gotta admit it helped. And now you.“

„Huh why?“

„Because life made you eat hospital food every day even though you cook so much better than they do.”

“Hahahaha alright.” Chaewon inhaled deeply.

“aahhhck!” she screamed.

“What was that? Way too weak! Go again!” Hyejoo hissed.

“But I gave it my all already.”

“No, you didn’t. You have to inhale into your stomach and then let it all out. Like this.” Hyejoo went towards the latter and placed her hand on her stomach. Once again she decides to ignore the heat creeping up to her ears.

Chaewon inhaled but this time with the right technique.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHH!” It really felt like she was lighter now.

“Better?” the blonde asked.

“Yeah.”

“Hyejoo, how come you know how hospital food tastes like?”

“I was there when I had my accident a few months ago.”

“So you are the badass Jiwoo mentioned when I first saw her. She joined Sooyoung when she was visiting me because her best friend happened to be there too. That was you.”

“Yup. That was me. And still all badass.” Hyejoo replied proudly with her hands on her hips, sending Chaewon laughing.

“I am sorry Hyejoo-ah but in my eyes you are a total softie.”

Hyejoo just grinned and was about to say something back until she noticed Chaewon shivering.

The raven quickly took off her hoodie and handed it to the freezing girl.

“Here, wear it.”

“But what about you? You’ll be cold.”

“I am good. Now take it.”

Chaewon was still hesitating that’s why Hyejoo just pulled the hoodie over her head.

“Yah!!” Chaewon shouted but head to chuckle right after.

“At least dress me properly.” she pouted.

The badass Hyejoo gave in and helped her getting into the sleeves and then fix her hair.

“There. Now all beautiful again.”

“Wait. Wasn’t I beautiful before?”

Hyejoo blushed and started to stutter

“W-well I-I mean that.. you know...”

Chaewon looked at her with observing eyes she enjoyed the scenery. Meanwhile she noticed the warmth of the hoodie and even though there was still the little smell of cigarettes the other girl’s scent was stronger and Chaewon liked it. She’d love it if the smell of cigarettes weren’t there at all. Hyejoo was still trying to build a proper sentence as she rubbed the back of her neck. That’s when the shorter wrapped her hands around the taller girl’s waist and pulled her in for a hug. Hyejoo was taken aback at first but her heart calmed soon after so she hug the latter back and rested her chin on top of the blond’s head.

“What did I do to deserve this?” Hyejoo asked softly but Chaewon stayed silent and just buried her face deeper into Hyejoo’s nape to inhale her scent.

After what felt like 5 minutes Chaewon pulled away and told the latter that she was ready to drive back. Hyejoo just nodded while her face was redder than a well ripped tomato.

“Let’s go.”

 

---

(after some weeks)

 

“Good morning Chaewon-ah!” Hyejoo said sleepy as she greeted the girl already standing in the kitchen. She held her back as she was walking towards the latter to check what they will be having for breakfast.

“Hyejoo why can’t you just sleep with me?”

“Huh???” the raven shrieked.

“Not like that you pabo!” Chaewon chuckled while rolling her eyes playfully. “Look at you. It’s been weeks and u still sleep on the couch. Stop being like this and just share the bed with me.”

“I-I don’t wanna.” Hyejoo was a gentle woman inside out.

Chaewon sighs as she put down the knife and face the latter once again. This is going to be the nth attempt to get the younger inside of her own bed. She wrapped her arms around her neck as she pulled her close leaving just a few inches between their faces. Hyejoo could feel how her cheeks were burning.

“And what if I tell you that I am afraid to sleep alone? I need someone next to me. Someone I can cuddle and who will protect me from my nightmares.” Chaewon said playfully.

“I mean if it’s urgent I could make an exception.” The younger girl said trying to sound as calm as possible.

Chaewon smiled to herself.

“Yup, it is really urgent.” she said playfully and then winked at the same girl who was now losing it all but tried to play it down.

It has been like this since Chaewon moved in. After that one incident Hyejoo stopped smoking and they would end up cooking together and going on small trips around the city.

And they both knew that they were falling for each other.

 

“Goodnight sweetie!”

“Goodnight.”

Hyejoo closed her eyes but her heart was nearly beating out of her chest.

It didn’t help when Chaewon laid her head onto her and wrapped her arms around the taller ones waist. The younger swore that her blood pumping muscle was about to explode. She was praying for the other one not to notice.

“Why is your heart beating so fast?” the blonde asked softly as she closed her eyes.

“Well… my body needs blood circulation.” Hyejoo said matter-of-factly trying to maintain her composure. The older let out a brief chuckle as she drove to sleep to her new favorite sound. Hyejoo’s heartbeat.

After the other successfully calmed herself down she felt herself drifting to sleep as well.

 

---

 

Rough noises woke Hyejoo from her sleep. She grabbed her phone to check the time

3:04 AM.

 

“Chaewon?” Hyejoo called out but the latter was nowhere to be found. The taller stood up as she walked towards where the noises come from.

Her heart was racing when she saw blood stains leading to the bathroom.

Quickly Hyejoo ran towards the room and opened the door.

“Oh my god! Chaewon! Are you okay?”

The latter kneeled in front in the toilet as she was throwing up blood. Her body was so weak that she instantly collapsed in Hyejoo’s arms.

“Chae, hold on... please.”

Hyejoo was sobbing as she picked her up in bridal style to place her on the couch to get her phone and dial the ambulance.

Once she ended the call, she got back to Chaewon.

“Hey! Can you hear me? You need to stay awake. Do you hear me Chae? Hold on please!”

The other barely had her eyes open as she gave Hyejoo a weak smile.

“Chaewon unnie hold on please! They will be right here.” The raven cried. The older placed her hand on Hyejoo’s cheeks but no words would leave the latter’s mouth.

 

“Please Chaewon.... I-... I love you. I need you to stay with me.” Hyejoo was crying uncontrollably now some tears landing onto Chaewon’s still perfect face.

“You showed me how beautiful life can be. You showed me true happiness. Thanks to you I wanna live and enjoy life. I wanna live with you.”

Chaewon flashed her one last smile before she stopped breathing.

 

“CHAEWON-AHHHH.”

 

 

---

 

‘It’s raining.’

Hyejoo analyzed as she exited the flower shop with a big bouquet full of forget-me-nots. They used to be Chaewon’s favorite. She walked over to the bus station so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t notice a person coming up to her.

 

“Excuse me miss?”

“Yeah, how can I help you?”

“Do you perhaps have a lighter?”

“I am sorry I do not. I don’t smoke.”

“That’s alright. Thanks anyways.” The person then walked away.

Hyejoo smiled as she thought of the person who was responsible for her new self.

The bus arrived so she hopped on. After 20 mins she arrived at her destination.

 

 

“How are we today?” Hyejoo smiled from eye to eye as she entered the room.

“I can’t believe it! You bought me flowers? You are such a cutiepie.”

Chaewon replied as she accepted the bouquet and took in the scent of it.

“Yeah, a little gift to remind you that you are my everything.”

“But you know that my recent favorites are lavenders, right?” the shorter raised her eyebrow. Making the other chuckle.

“Of course, I know that. But they didn’t have any so I settled for these.”

Hyejoo replied as she walked up the blonde and captured her lips. It wasn’t the first time, yet it is just as sweet.

“I missed this so much.” Hyejoo sighs.

Chaewon hit her arm slightly

“You were here yesterday what are you talking about?”

“I know but I still miss you. Home doesn’t feel like home without you...”

the raven looked down.

“Babe... don’t be like that. I’ll be home with you soon. You know that they just keep me this week to make sure that I am completely healed. Not like last time were I nearly died in your arms.”

“Do not remind me of that.” The pain in the younger’s eyes were clearly visible.

“Hye, give me a kiss.” Chaewon noticed the sad gaze of the latter.

“Gladly.” Hyejoo then smiled again as she locked their lips together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A/N: Thank you for reading!

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