It hurt so much, Kibum. Was I really just a toy to you, a meaningless toy you can discard? I hated to see that blank look in your eyes when you look at me, that emptiness that tears my heart everytime.

 

I was a fool, I know. I let you string me along, but my stupid heart won't listen. I live for your touch, your kisses, even if it doesn't really mean anything to you at all.

 

So I let you pull me close, I let you caress my skin, I let you make love to me when no one's around. We were so sneaky, no one knew, no one had any idea, even if my heart was always left bleeding on the floor. 

 

But I needed this. I'd be lying if I didn't love holding your hips tight when we make love. I'd be lying if I didn't enjoy the desperate kisses we shared in the dark. I'd be lying if I didn't love it when you scream my name in pleasure, how you leave love bites on my skin. 

 

I love you. I love you so much, it hurts. My stupid heart beats for you, I know it sounds so cliche, but it was the truth. Even just the smallest smiles you give me makes my heart fly. But I wanted so much more from you. I wanted you to love me the way I loved you. Was it too much to ask? Was it selfish of me to want all that?

 

So I just smile, I smile to cover up the hurt. I smile to mask the pain you inflict on my heart whenever you leave me. I smile to hide how much my heart aches when you pretend I don't exist, that what we shared doesn't mean anything to you. Do I mean anything to you at all?

 

 

 

He hated himself so much for doing this. It tore him apart to see that look in his eyes, the pained expression on his face, how he tries so hard to smile regardless of the hurt he feels. If there was one thing in the world Kibum hated the most, it was the senseless way he hurts Jinki.

 

He didn't want to get too involved. He didn't want to risk his heart, afraid of getting hurt. So he strings Jinki along, leading him on, but breaking his own heart slowly at the same time.

 

So he kisses him when no one's around, leaving bruises, love bites. Jinki just smiles, that stupid, dorky lovable smile Kibum has grown to love. Even when the pain in his eyes contrasts with the smile on his lips. 

 

And when they make love desperately, holding Jinki tight, shuddering from the sweetness of it, it breaks his heart when he murmurs "I love you" to his ear, the feel of his skin against his own.

 

He's wondered countless times why Jinki just lets him toy with his heart the way he does. He would never say anything. He wanted to shake him at times, demand why he allows him to be treated like this.

 

He deserved so much better than what he could give. 

 

 

 

So when Jinki tells him it needs to stop, he doesn't react. When he tells him how much he loves him but can't stand it when he hurts him, he remains silent.

 

"Do you love me, Kibum?"

 

When no response was heard, Jinki just laughs, a hollow laugh that pierces through Kibum's heart.

 

"You can't even answer that?"

 

"I'm so sorry," was the only thing he can manage as a response.

 

Jinki smiles sadly and takes a step towards him. He reaches a hand to his face, that perfect face, outlining the shape of his lips, the depth of his cheekbones. 

 

"I'm not gonna regret anything we shared, because I really do love you. But I can't keep this up, Kibum. My heart can no longer take it. For the sake of everyone else in our band, let's keep this civil shall we? They don't need to get involved in this. Please?"

 

He just nods silently, unable to say anything.

 

Jinki steps back, puts his hands in his pockets, pain evident in his eyes. "I guess, that's all I really wanted to say. Just know that I'll always be here as a leader and a friend regardless of what's happened between us, okay?"

 

He was about to turn away and leave, but Kibum couldn't hold it in. He had to say something.

 

"Hyung, wait."

 

Jinki stops, turns back. 

 

"I'm so sorry. I just. I'm such a mess, can't you see? I can't handle commitments well. I'm so a-afraid that what we have is a lot more that I can handle. Please understand that I never meant to hurt you, that I do care for you in my own way and I-"

 

"But it's not enough Kibum." Jinki interrupts.

 

"W-what?"

 

Jinki smiles sadly. "Can't you see? I want a lot more from you, and if you can't see exactly what I mean, then we shouldn't be together."

 

"What do you want from me exactly?"

 

Jinki sighs tiredly and answers brokenly, "The only thing I've ever wanted was for you to love me the way I love you."