tw // mentions of infidelity (minor characters), mentioned suicide (minor character)

 

Chanyeol has never imagined himself to be a parent.

He has never imagined himself being a father to a child, or giving birth to one as he found out recently that he’s a carrier. He had his reasons at a young age; growing up with parents who barely even have the time for their child as they are busy getting on each other’s throat in every opportunity they get is enough for Chanyeol to not want a family of his own in the future.

He doesn’t want that; the detachment, the anger that is only growing through the years they share together, the loneliness despite having people around you. Chanyeol lived by his words that he would rather live with the void inside his chest for not having something he could call his own than go through all of that again until now.

And so Chanyeol does not know what to feel right at this moment as he stares at the rectangular plastic stick he’s holding with trembling fingers, the two glaring red lines in the middle seem to stare back at him as if to slap on his face how ridiculous his situation is now.

He thinks it’s funny too and so he laughs.

Yeah, being pregnant and confused is definitely something he would want to laugh at.

“Hey, Chanyeol hyung, still okay in there?”

Chanyeol stops laughing as he hears his best friend speaking from outside the bathroom, softly knocking on the door when the former didn’t answer.

“Chanyeol hyung, hey, come out now. Or at least tell me the result.”

He pulls the door open with his still trembling hand, knuckles turning white as he grips on the doorknob a little too tight when he feels the tears edging out of his eyes.

“Sehun…” He croaks out, struggling to find the stableness in his voice and keeping his tears from falling at the same time. “I’m ed.”

Sehun’s eyes went down on Chanyeol’s other hand, the pregnancy test that the latter is holding is facing him and he can clearly see the lines that have formed on the small window. Bringing his attention back to his friend’s distressed look, he chokes on a laugh.

“I guess you are. I mean—“ another stifled laugh. “I can see that.”

“You er, do you even take anything seriously?”

Chanyeol walks past Sehun, purposely bumping on his shoulder and he plops down the bed, face flat on it so he can scream a little while he forces his mind to register what has happened and what is going to happen now that he knows his morning trips to the bathroom is not just a simple morning sickness anymore.

“Hey! Don’t lie on your stomach!” He hears Sehun walking towards him and feels a kick on his leg. “Isn’t that bad for the baby or something?”

“Huh? What did you say?” Chanyeol sits up, eyes unfocused as he laughs nervously.

“A baby? Huh? That’s crazy. You think a baby is in here? Where? In my body? Haha? A baby?”

It’s a few seconds later when Chanyeol decides to stop laughing and hopelessly stares at his best friend instead.

“.”

A baby.

He’s having a baby.

There is an actual living thing inside of him now that will soon come out of his stomach and live with him until he dies.

Chanyeol gulps. “.”

It was Sehun’s turn to laugh as he started walking towards the kitchen to cook himself a proper breakfast because no, he would never eat that pancake covered in ketchup Chanyeol prepared for the both of them.

Ah, now he understands why there was ketchup on the pancakes.

“Yeah, no, I don’t think you’d still like to now.”

A slipper flies towards the back of his head but Sehun pays his best friend no mind, only because he’s getting free breakfast from the elder. The only thing he has in his apartment is a stock of bottled water and a ton of bills scattered somewhere on his dining table he's too lazy to take care of.

It’s okay, though. He’s practically living in Chanyeol’s apartment and the latter didn’t seem to mind him leeching off of him anyway.

“Have you ever thought of being useful for at least once in your life?” Chanyeol asks and walks over towards the dining table, smelling the half-eaten pancake he left there before he all of a sudden decided to rush to the pharmacy to buy five boxes of pregnancy test kits an hour ago.

“…no.” Sehun trails off as he watches Chanyeol get the mustard somewhere from the cupboard and pours it on his bloody pancake. “Is this… is this what I have to endure seeing for nine months?”

“What?” Chanyeol answers without looking at him as he happily munches on his meal. “It’s tasty. Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

Sehun turns his back on him to turn on the stove, a hand hovering over the pan to check if it’s heated enough.

“Yeah, except that isn’t a book.” He cracks open an egg with both hands, sighing when some parts of the shell also went into the pan. “That’s a crime.”

“Whatever. Cook one for me too.”

“You wish.”

“Hey!” Chanyeol throws something at his back again which Sehun assumes is a plastic bottle cap. “Those are my eggs!”

Sehun sprinkles salt on his eggs and ponders for a while if you’re supposed to flip a sunny side up egg on its other side before deciding that the answer is a yes.

“No, your eggs are now forming a child with another man’s seeds inside your belly.” Sehun laughs at the fuming expression on his best friend’s face. “How do you like them?”

“Scrambled, thank you.” Chanyeol rolls his eyes. “Where did you learn your science? On Facebook?”

Sehun transfers the burnt egg onto a plate. It can’t be that bad, right?

“Twitter, actually. Don’t make an account though, it’s where I complain about you.”

“What a grateful basta—what are you doing?!”

Chanyeol stands up from his seat to peer over Sehun’s shoulder when he sees the younger whisking the eggs directly on the pan. “You’re going to ruin the—“

“Hyung, please, I know what I’m doing.” Sehun assures him with a pat on his shoulder. “Sit back down, it’s bad for the baby.”

Chanyeol follows him and goes back to his seat. It isn’t every day that the younger cooks for him. “Stop calling it that! It’s not a baby yet. Also, add curry powder instead of salt.”

“Gross.” Sehun makes a face but complies anyway. “And huh, don’t pregnancy tests detect it only when it’s already a fetus?”

Chanyeol blinks at him. “Really? So you mean this thing inside me isn’t just a clump of blood?”

“What?” Sehun replies after he managed to put the scrambled eggs on a plate. “You mean, a zygote—an embryo? Wait—I don’t really know the difference between the two.”

“Me too. What even are those?” Chanyeol shakes his head and motions him to bring the plates to the dining table with a finger.

“I don’t know,” Sehun takes a seat beside him after giving him his plate. “You’re supposed to know, you’re a carrier.”

“How the hell am I supposed to know a thing about pregnancy? I’m not a woman!”

“But you’re supposed to know, you’re a carrier.” Sehun rebuts with the same answer. He freezes for a second when the fork enters his mouth. “Oh , is that little pink container near the curry powder salt?”

Chanyeol raises an eyebrow at him. “No, it’s sugar.” He takes a bite off of Sehun’s egg and quickly regrets what he did. “Gross!”

Sehun glares at him as he forcefully swallows his food down his throat. “It’s your fault, you should’ve put them in a dispenser!”

Chanyeol was supposed to be mad at the younger for raising his voice at him, suddenly feeling a lot more sensitive than usual, but the faces he makes as he attempts to finish his food is funny enough for Chanyeol to laugh at his dilemma. “Yeah, sorry, it’s my fault that they’re expensive.”

Sehun couldn’t believe his ears. “You literally own a resto-bar.”

“Mm-hm,” The elder nods as he places the egg on top of his pancake, cuts a piece with his fork, and brings it to his mouth. “Does owning a bar lower the price of salt shakers? No.”

Sehun grimaces. A ketchup-mustard covered pancake with curry-flavored eggs. What the does that even taste like?

“Well, tell the other father of your child to buy things for you from now on for me to accept him.”

Chanyeol chokes on his food at the mention of the word “father.” He completely forgot the fact that he did not make himself pregnant on his own as he was too absorbed by the idea of having an actual living thing inside his belly.

He panics at the realization.

“Who… who is the other father?”

Sehun laughs at him, thinking that Chanyeol was only pulling jokes on him and the latter laughs with him too for an entirely different reason.

Chanyeol speaks again after they have calmed down.

“Why did you laugh?”

“Because—“ Sehun takes a sip of his water. “Because you’re joking. You, why did you laugh?”

He feels his throat becoming dry and so he gulps down an entire bottle of water in one go.

“Because I wish I was joking.”

Sehun abruptly stands up from his seat, dropping the fork in his other hand in the process.

“Hyung, what the ?!”

 

 

✨✨✨

 

 

Chanyeol now learns that there are advantages to being a pregnant person. For starters, everyone around you becomes a bit kinder than usual, with Sehun doing an excellent job at proving that as he now volunteers to drive Chanyeol back and forth to work before and after his classes. He now gets to stand within priority lanes too, especially taking advantage of it in grocery stores by filling up carts and being able to pay for them immediately.

But what Chanyeol liked the most was that he doesn’t have to stand in line to use the bathroom in malls anymore.

Ah, that was the cherry on top.

“So,” Sehun starts a conversation as he picks Chanyeol up from his apartment the next morning, left hand on the wheel and the other at the gear. “Office?”

“Nah, take me to the bar.” The elder answers, smiling fondly at Sehun who is now clad in his college uniform. He could not fully grasp the fact that the boy who’s taking extra care of him now is the same boy who threw a tantrum years ago because his hyung greeted him a ‘happy birthday’ eleven minutes late.

He likes this version of Sehun more, it makes his head hurt less.

Sehun nods at his answer, eyes focused on the road. “I’m assuming you’re going to look for the other fa—hyung why are you crying?”

“Oh, am I?” Chanyeol asks back with tears in his eyes, reaching up to wipe them with the back of his hands. “You’re my favorite friend, you know that? My Sehun is a big boy now, thank you for taking care of me.”

The younger laughs at him. “That’s because I’m the only friend you have.” He glances at Chanyeol shortly when he takes a turn. “What was that? You’re creeping me out.”

“Shut up and let me appreciate you, idiot.”

No one spoke after that and was left to their own thoughts, with Sehun thinking how he will manage to survive Chanyeol’s heightened sensitivity and a still irrational but now reasonable mood swings, while Chanyeol thinks of the conversation they had yesterday that was left hanging in the air as he suddenly cried at Sehun’s outburst, not really knowing why.

But then he realizes now that Sehun’s reaction was just appropriate, what he did was something questionable, especially since it was him. It was really out of Chanyeol’s character to suddenly be pregnant and not even know who the father of his child is when he is always one to claim to detest a broken family.

It’s not like he really wanted this anyway, but there’s no turning back now, is there?

“Hyung—“

“No, abortion will never be an option.” Chanyeol looks at Sehun with tears in his eyes. “This is still my child. Mine.”

“Uh…” Sehun averts his gaze, obviously uncomfortable at the sudden shift in the atmosphere and the heaviness of Chanyeol’s statement. Also, Chanyeol is accusing him of something he has never even thought of saying. How would he react to that?

“I just—I just wanted to tell you that we’re here.” He clears his throat when Chanyeol seems to relax at his words. Really, how is he going to survive the next nine months with Chanyeol? He hopes that the other father shows up soon. “I’m not—no one is telling you to—“

“Yeah, I know, sorry.” Chanyeol lets out a forced laugh. “It’s just that… with me telling that I will never want a family and all and now I have this… thing inside of me and I’m going to have a family that will just break me—“

“Hyung.” Sehun stops him from rambling, head turning to the side as he does not agree with what Chanyeol has said. “It’s not going to happen again—it’s not going to happen to you . You know better now than to let it happen to you.”

Sehun wipes the tears that have fallen from Chanyeol’s eyes with his hand.

“What you’re going to do now is you’ll find the other father, make him fall in love with you, and make him responsible for the child too. I mean—not necessarily in that order, though. Whatever works best for you, hyung.”

“Sehun-ah,” Chanyeol lightly taps the younger on the cheek. “Thank you. For the kind words. I mean it.” The taps are slightly getting harsher. “You’re right. I will find him, make him fall for me—“

“Aw—hyung, ouch—“

“—make him marry me and make him beg to me to have his kids again.” He pinches the younger’s cheek that is turning red from the slaps he received from Chanyeol. “I hope he’s handsome.”

“Yeah, I hope he looks like dog poop ‘cause that’s the only thing you deserve.” Sehun swats Chanyeol’s hand away from his face. “Seriously, you had with a stranger and you didn’t even bother to at least remember what he looks like.”

“In my defense, I was drunk. Like drunk drunk.” Chanyeol removes his seatbelt, smoothing down the wrinkles on his shirt and fixes his bangs on the rear-view mirror. “But I think I can somewhat recall that he looked like someone I know, maybe that’s why I went with him.”

“Is that someone Baekhyun sunbae?”

Ah, there was his answer.

Sehun laughs as Chanyeol chokes on his own spit, ears quickly turning red down to his neck.

So his high school crush still has that effect on him huh?

“Really, hyung? Even after all these years?”

He really finds the red sitting on Chanyeol’s cheeks amusing.

“No! O-of course not!”

“O-o-okay, hyung.” The younger mocks. “Sure, I believe you. After all, the two guys you dated in college really have a strong resemblance with Baekhyun sunbae. Which is just pure coincidence, yeah?”

Chanyeol looks offended for a different reason.

“No. Taehyung and Daehyun don’t look like Baekhyun. Baekhyun’s face is…”

Sehun raises an eyebrow. Chanyeol bites his lower lip as if to stop himself from smiling widely but fails and so he lets himself sigh dreamily. “…sculpted by the gods. His beauty is incomparable. His eyes—“

“—is like a thousand galaxies yes hyung I already memorized that one,” The younger continued for him, Chanyeol unconsciously pouting as his chance to gush over his high school crush is taken away. “I could go on but I’m already late. Get out of the car now.”

“Rude .” Chanyeol unlocks the door and looks at Sehun for the last time. “Bring dinner if you want to get inside of my apartment later.”

“Chicken?”

“Pizza.”

“Alright, chicken it is.”

Chanyeol shakes his head and slams the door close at Sehun’s smug face, not bothering to look back as he turns around and walks towards the bar’s entrance since he’s confident that Sehun knows not to take their jokes seriously. They practically live together, Sehun should be used to the way he plays around by now.

Chanyeol pushes the door open, the smell of food being cooked in the kitchen invading his senses as he makes his way towards the bar counter. Fortunately, there were no other people at the counter aside from the bartender, who becomes a barista by day like he is now.

The resto’s setup was actually Sehun’s idea: a restaurant by day and a bar at night. Chanyeol’s original plan for Viva Polo was for it to just be an Italian restaurant, but being convinced by the younger that his suggestion would attract more customers, a resto-bar was built half a year later.

Chanyeol regrets nothing, even if he wouldn’t be pregnant right now if his restaurant wasn’t a bar at night.

He couldn’t even blame it on the alcohol since he still remembers what his Science teacher from high school has told them. They were told that no is accidental under the influence of alcohol because a person wouldn’t be able to get it up due to neurotransmitters being blocked or something, he really isn’t sure about the explanation part but he’s sure that is basically the gist of it.

The blame should solely be on him being easily swayed by men who look like his high school crush.

Curse Byun Baekhyun for looking like a typical Korean male.

There wasn’t really a backstory to his hopeless not-so-little crush on his high school classmate; it was just him being enchanted by his classmate’s beauty and personality and—really, everything about the guy is lovable—Chanyeol ends up liking him for years even until it has been so long since he has heard news about the pretty boy.

They weren’t friends, nor do they belong in the same circle of friends. It was just the sneaky hi’s and hello’s in the hallways that made Chanyeol’s crush on him grow and grow.

It was a mystery to Chanyeol how Byun Baekhyun managed to stay in his head even after the complete lack of communication with the latter.

Byun Baekhyun’s absence in his college days helped a little, with Chanyeol having no choice but to resort only to stalking the boy’s social media accounts to know how he’s doing but not having the courage to send him an actual message helped him realize that the boy was way out of his league.

His fantasies about Byun Baekhyun then became more and more of a fleeting thought as time passed by; forgotten but not entirely.

Then he started seeing Byun Baekhyun in every person that looks like him, and as Chanyeol had fully accepted that he will never have a chance with his crush by the time he was graduating, he just settled for what he could have: people who seemed to have a bit of Byun Baekhyun in them.

It’s not like he was going to take relationships seriously anyway.

Ah, yes, that was where it all started. The blame really should be on him being easily swayed by men who look like his high school crush.

On second thought, he wasn’t that easy, though. Because if he was, then that wouldn’t have been the first time it happened; that night wouldn’t have been his first .

Chanyeol cringes at the realization. What a loser , he thought to himself.

“Oh hey, Chanyeol!”

His train of thoughts was interrupted by the barista who finally noticed him standing by the counter.

“Minseok hyung,” He greets back. His eyes went down on the mug that the barista was holding. “I’m still amazed how you do coffee art in the morning and knock people out with just a glass of alcohol at night. You work the whole day, should I look for someone to share your shift with?”

“Nah, I’m fine. I have nothing to do better at home anyway. Plus, extra pay.” The barista, Minseok, laughs at him. “Also, what can I say? I was born perfect.”

Chanyeol nods and sits on one of the stools, an elbow propping on the counter as his chin rested on his palm. “Perfect? You’re short, hyung.”

“Ah,” Minseok pushes the mug he was holding towards Chanyeol. “That’s because God knew if he made me taller I would dominate the world.”

“Small built, big dreams.” Chanyeol nods, carefully taking a sip from his coffee to not ruin the image of a leaf on it. “Nice going.”

Minseok sarcastically smiles at him like he isn’t his actual boss. “Wow, that’s really strong coming from someone who’s just all arms and legs.”

Chanyeol laughs. “You’re wrong. I am not just arms and legs. I have a baby inside of me too.”

“What?!”

He silently tells the barista to calm down as he looks around to see if some people heard them. Thankfully, the speakers were a little loud today, maybe because it was EXU playing in the background.

Whoever was tasked to assign the playlist today deserves a raise because Chanyeol likes the band too, mainly because one of their main vocalists looks like his high school crush.

Actually, Byun Baekhyun knows how to sing too! It would be an understatement to say that his crush was good, no, the boy excels at it—

“Chanyeol, tell me you’re not serious.”

For the second time today, the opportunity to gush over his high school crush was taken away.

Chanyeol nods at him with furrowed brows. “I’m not.”

“Really?”

“I am, but you told me to tell you I’m not so I did.”

Minseok unconsciously takes a step back, the seriousness in Chanyeol’s face not really sitting well with him and he paces back and forth from behind the counter.

“Ah, so he really did take you to his unit—“

“That’s what I was here for, hyung.” Chanyeol cuts him off, now looking attentive at the mention of what has happened over two weeks ago. “Do you still remember who the guy is?”

Minseok stops, dragging out a plastic chair from the side and he sits down facing Chanyeol.

“Of course I know him, he’s a regular.”

Chanyeol sighs, looking relieved, but then Minseok continues.

“Are you sure the baby is his, though?”

“Hyung,” There it is again; the tears in his eyes. “What do you take me for? That person is the first and last I had—I had—I—“

“Don’t push it, I understand.” The barista assures him, slightly panicking as Chanyeol is suddenly crying in front of him. “But you haven’t really contacted him since then? It’s already been two weeks.”

“No…? Because that’s not how a one-night stand is supposed to work…?”

Minseok nods. “A one-night stand shouldn’t make you pregnant either.”

“I—“ Chanyeol wipes his cheek. “I don’t know, hyung, I didn’t expect this…” he glances down at his stomach. “…to happen.”

“Ah, young people.” Minseok shakes his head with a click of tongue. “Carefree and reckless.”

“Thanks, you’re really helping.”

Minseok laughs, looking over his shoulder as he takes an order from the other counter.

“Sorry, you’ll have to wait for him later tonight since I don’t have his number, he never tried to hit on me. Lucky you.” Minseok wipes the inside of a mug with a napkin. “You hit the jackpot, my dude.”

“Why?” Chanyeol asks with an interesting glint in his eyes, his mood quickly shifting. “Is he handsome? Like Lee Minho handsome?”

The barista points at him with his index finger. “The guy is beautiful, I’m telling you. Lee Minho pales in comparison when it comes to Baekhyun.”

Chanyeol felt his heart stop for a moment before beating as if he'd run a mile.

What?

“What… what did you say his name was?”

Minseok did not notice the way Chanyeol pales and his hands tremble. “Baekhyun. Byun Baekhyun. Pretty unique, right? Actually the first time I’ve known a Byun.”

It is when Chanyeol falls silent for longer than a minute that Minseok finally noticed.

“Chanyeol?”

“Hyung,” Chanyeol looks up with wide eyes, shock written on his face. “Does that Baekhyun… have a mole on his upper lip, his temple, his cheek and somewhere above his nose?”

MInseok blinks at him. “What?”

“I mean—ah, the choco chip—his thumb, is there a mole on one of his thumbs?”

The barista slowly nods, eyes suspecting the expression on Chanyeol’s face which quickly transitioned from shocked to delighted to terrified in seconds. Is it because of the pregnancy?

Ah, he supposes that it is. The psychological wonders of having a living thing inside of you is interesting but unwelcomed to Minseok as he does not want to put up with his boss’s mood swings for the entire time he’s carrying a baby.

Putting up with a crackhead Chanyeol is tiring enough, but a pregnant one? He isn’t paid enough for that.

“Yeah…” Minseok answers, albeit unsure. “I think I saw one on his thumb one time when I passed him a drink. But the rest you’ve mentioned, I know nothing about that, I’m not as creepy as you.”

Chanyeol slams his hand on the counter, cheeks reddening both from the barista’s confirmation and his side comment. “I am not a creep! It’s just that… we both have the same Baekhyun in mind.”

“Really? That’s great! You actually know each other.” Minseok pats him on the shoulder, signaling him to sit down again. Chanyeol looks bothered and so he asks. “Aren’t you supposed to be… I don’t know, happy? Relieved?”

“No. Well, you see—” Chanyeol hides his face in his palms. “Baekhyun—he’s my first love.”

“What?!”

Minseok’s voice grew a little louder again but Chanyeol doesn’t have the heart to stop him anymore as his thoughts are now filled with the images of the man he tried so hard to bury at the back of his mind for the past few years.

“So, uh, did you end on good terms?”

Chanyeol raises his head. “Oh—no, no. It was one-sided. He doesn’t even know, actually.”

“Ah,” Minseok clicks his tongue, shoulders relaxing. “So he’s your old high school crush.”

“My first love.” Chanyeol corrects him.

“Why do you call it ‘love’ when you don’t even believe in marriage and family?”

Minseok gets another order, shouting an affirmation over his shoulder before Chanyeol answers.

“But I did not say that I don’t believe in relationships.” Chanyeol’s voice is losing confidence as he speaks. “I… It’s not… I…”

Minseok places his hands over Chanyeol’s, eyes assuring as he smiles at his boss.

“I know what you’re trying to say, Yeol.” Minseok ruffles his hair. “You don’t need to rush. This is all new to you. You’ll be able to speak out your answers soon. Take your time, Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol laughs at him. “I don’t even know what I was trying to say, how did you know what they were?”

“Because I am not you. It’s you who doesn’t know the answer. Yet.” The barista goes back to his work. “Also, I’ve known you since college.”

“Then tell me what the answer is.”

Minseok shakes his head. “No, you’ll know it soon. I assure you it makes everything a little more valuable when you figure out things on your own.”

Chanyeol takes a last sip from his coffee and stands up from his seat. “I told you to stop watching dramas. It doesn’t make you look cool when you try to be philosophical because your way of speaking ruins it for you.”

Minseok takes the empty mug and dumps it on the mini sink beside him. “Why did I even question you twice if you’re really pregnant? it’s actually pretty obvious.”

“How?” Chanyeol puts a hand over his stomach, suddenly feeling conscious. “Is there a bump already?”

“No, but you were a before.”

His boss smiles at him sweetly. “How ‘bout now? I heard that pregnancy makes you look glowing.”

“Now? Now you’re a pregnant .”

Chanyeol starts to walk his way towards the door, not even looking back at Minseok and he hears the barista shouting at him as he steps outside.

“Come back at 8 pm, bastard!”

 

 

✨✨✨

 

 

Chanyeol finds himself sitting at one of the tables that has a clear view of the bar counter so he can silently scream at Minseok for help later, the glaring red numbers on his watch reading 8:15 pm. He takes the time he has left to mentally—and physically; Chanyeol brought a compact powder and lip balm with him—prepare himself before his old high school crush enters the bar.

He practices the possible conversations in his head, some a little unrealistic as one of them goes from—“ Hey, I’m Park Chanyeol, your high school classmate and the same guy from weeks ago.” and Baekhyun would answer, “ Oh, my prince, I thought I’ll never find you again. ” to highly impossible answers such as, “ I don’t believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in the second. ”

Chanyeol giggles as he swipes the lip balm on his lower lip for the fifth time. He supposes it should be enough to make his lips plump and soft just in case… things happen.

He isn’t nervous, not even a bit. If this happened during his high school days, he would've run away from Baekhyun before the guy even has the chance to say hi, or he simply wouldn’t even think of meeting him and actually talking to him.

He was content with them being just classmates and nothing more. Chanyeol doesn’t think his heart could’ve had handled seeing that pretty face close to him every time if they were friends.

And so he doesn’t know what to feel when he finds himself a few minutes later, staring at the man who has always had Chanyeol’s heart in his hands, those slender fingers wrapping around it; squeezing but not constricting, as if the hold was only meant to serve as a reminder that the heart is free yet will always be on the place where it belongs—to Baekhyun.

Seeing his old high school crush—his first love—years after he stopped knowing his whereabouts makes Chanyeol feel like he was nineteen again. He’d never thought he would experience this again; the fast beating in his chest and the trembling in his hands and the unexplainable pull of his being towards the man who owns him whole. It was unwelcome but at the same time it was not.

Byun Baekhyun is a book unclosed in his life and he will always find himself lurking through the pages because Chanyeol would never want it to end—Chanyeol will never want himself to move on from him.

But he himself doesn’t know if he wants it to stay that way forever.

God , Chanyeol laughs at himself, he speaks as if he was an ex-lover.

He pinches himself to get his thoughts together when he sees Baekhyun whisper to the barista then Minseok pointing at Chanyeol with his finger. He straightens his back and gets a hold of his wine glass as he turns his head away, acting like he did not see anything even if he accidentally made eye contact with the barista.

His free hand started fidgeting on his lap from under the table when he felt someone sit beside him. He subtly glances at Minseok when he realizes the speakers’ volume turning low and the barista winks at him, mouthing the words talk or I’ll snatch him from you .

Chanyeol didn’t have the time to feel jealous from Minseok’s empty warning as he hears the voice he hasn’t heard for so long right on his left ear.

“Hey, pretty boy.”

He felt Baekhyun’s breath on his ear and Chanyeol turns his head towards him from the shock, only to regret it instantly as their faces were so close to each other his nose almost bumps Baekhyun’s.

Baekhyun.

Byun Baekhyun. The guy from his past who he’s still very much in love with until now is sitting right in front of him with his lips only a few centimeters away from his own, staring straight at his eyes as if he knew his effect on Chanyeol after all these years.

Chanyeol loses it when Baekhyun smiles and steals a peck on his lips.

“W-wha—“

“Sweet.”

His high school crush made a show of his lips with his tongue as if to chase the taste of Chanyeol’s lips on his and Chanyeol gulps loudly. The lip balm served its purpose.

So his cheerful and bubbly classmate grew up to be like this: a playboy.

“Heard you were looking for me, Park Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol wanted to cry at how good his name sounded rolling out of Baekhyun’s tongue—oh god that tongue.

“U-um… I—“ He struggled with his words as his attention is still on the tongue darting out of Baekhyun’s mouth from time to time. “I… I need to s-see you.”

Baekhyun chuckles. “Couldn’t get enough of me, huh?”

“Yes—I mean no!” Chanyeol wanted to faint just so he could avoid talking to Baekhyun for tonight. Maybe next time. “I need to tell you something very important.”

Baekhyun still has a playful smirk on his face and if it were any other person, Chanyeol would've punched it off his face.

“Well, I guess it is since it’s from you.”

Chanyeol chokes on his own spit. Is Baekhyun, his high school crush, seriously flirting with him right now?

He felt like he’s watching one of his high school fantasies come to life but Chanyeol isn’t complaining one bit.

“R-right, um…” Chanyeol struggles to let his words come out from his mouth as he suddenly feels afraid of what will happen after.

He still can’t fully digest that he’s bearing his first love’s child and now he even has to think about what will happen to them. Will Baekhyun believe him? Will Baekhyun walk out on him? Will Baekhyun take responsibility of his child? If he does, will they try to make it work or will they be like those in dramas wherein the other parent can only provide financial support—

“Chanyeol? Hey, why do you look so afraid?” Baekhyun laughs at him. “I thought you’d be more comfortable with me after having sat on my face.”

Chanyeol flashes him a scandalous look.

“I did what?!”

Baekhyun puts a hand over his thigh. “Don’t worry, I’d be glad to do it again.”

Chanyeol’s brain stops working.

“Hahsjbsuwjhdkjha”

“What?”

“I’ve been in love with you since high school and I’ve had with you and I found out I’m pregnant with your child and I looked for you and I saw you again then you kissed me and your lips after what the hell my poor heart and now your hand is on my thigh I’m so sorry.”

Chanyeol drops everything he has to say all at once and Baekhyun just blinks at him. “…what?”

He ed up, didn’t he? He wasn’t even supposed to say half of the things he blurted out just now.

He slaps Baekhyun on his arm. “I’m not repeating myself again!”

Baekhyun looks at him with a serious expression and a shiver runs down his spine. Is he angry? Does he not like people joking with him like that? He ed up again, didn’t he?

“I-I’m so—“

“That was hot.”

Chanyeol’s mood quickly changes. “Are you kidding me?! That’s all you got from everything I said?!”

Why he was suddenly angry, he didn’t know, but somehow he felt mad and disappointed at Baekhyun although he knew that he shouldn’t be because—who was he to get angry at him? He was no one in Baekhyun’s life and he actually has the audacity to want Baekhyun to understand him.

“No, I clearly heard every—oh no, baby, why are you crying?”

Chanyeol feels a hand pulling him close, and then Baekhyun’s arms are wrapping around him. He revels in the warmth that was offered to him and presses his face on the juncture of his crush’s neck and shoulder.

It could have been romantic, but a night bar isn’t exactly the perfect setting for the mood. Chanyeol isn’t complaining though. Not when it’s Baekhyun.

Chanyeol whispers against Baekhyun’s neck. “I’m scared.”

Baekhyun did not answer, but instead, he feels Baekhyun kissing the top of his head.

He pulls away from Baekhyun to briefly look at him, then at Minseok. The tear falling out of his left eye seemed to be enough of an assurance for the barista to raise a thumb up at him. He presses his face against Baekhyun’s neck again, the latter holding him tighter than the last time.

Just like that, in Baekhyun’s arms, all of Chanyeol’s fears suddenly do not exist.

 

 

✨✨✨

 

 

Making it work is a lot harder than Chanyeol has expected.

Baekhyun decided that they should start from the beginning and so they did. It has been three weeks since their second encounter at the bar and Baekhyun hasn’t left his side since then, replacing Sehun’s role of being his personal driver from going back and forth to work. Not that he couldn’t drive; he still doesn’t have a baby bump yet. Sehun voluntarily did it for him when they found out about his pregnancy and Chanyeol didn’t complain because he’s practically raising the younger. It was their own kind of give-and-take.

But then Baekhyun insisted they will both benefit from it if he drives for Chanyeol instead; Sehun could go straight to school without the extra hassle and Chanyeol could spend more time with him.

What’s funny was that Baekhyun really meant the last line. His bubbly high school crush turned out to be so full of himself, far different from his innocent persona years ago. But Chanyeol is, again, not complaining.

Baekhyun has always been charming in his own way like that.

He frequently took Chanyeol out on dates too, this time being the fourth as he now waits for Baekhyun to finish ordering at the counter. It was a great idea, going out on dates. Aside from it being one of Chanyeol’s biggest daydreams, they learned a lot about each other as they spent more time together.

Chanyeol learned that Baekhyun works at a publishing company, putting his English skills that has always been an advantage to him at high school to use as he now works as an editor. The pay wasn’t big enough, he says, but at least he was doing a job that makes him feel like he’s a part of something.

Chanyeol wasn’t surprised at the answer. How Baekhyun’s mind works has always been different from others ever since he squeezed himself down the drain to rescue a cat from 9th grade when he could’ve just asked for help from the elders.

From the simple answer, he learns that Baekhyun wouldn’t mind putting himself in difficult situations as long as he could make history with it. His overconfident high school crush was a little sentimental. Cute.

He loved the little things he learned about Baekhyun too, some of which came from his observations and the others were from Baekhyun himself. Baekhyun’s nose becomes runny when he eats, he eats with his mouth open and chews loudly, his skin can only tolerate baby products, he hates cucumber, he can do things with his fingers—literally. He can bend them completely or make it move like jelly.

The list goes on, and will continue to be as Chanyeol is sure that he’s going to spend a lot more time with him.

Of course, Chanyeol does not forget to tell Baekhyun about himself in return. He’s told him that he actually owns the resto-bar where they met and that he’s running the business together with Sehun, and that he has another job aside from that. He works as a clerk at a gaming company. A simple office job, nothing exciting compared to Baekhyun’s work. Just another source of income as his Viva Polo isn’t exactly that famous.

Chanyeol also tells Baekhyun what he likes and what he doesn’t, ranging from food to behavior. He couldn’t tell if Baekhyun has also picked up on the little things that he does like Chanyeol does with him, though. But it’s okay if Baekhyun isn’t paying attention to them.

After all, Baekhyun is not obliged to know everything about him just because he’s the other father of his child.

“Hey, I hope you like this?”

Chanyeol looks up just in time Baekhyun sits in front of him, handing him a cup of mango ice cream. He feels his heart swell at that.

Baekhyun knowing his favorite ice cream flavor by instinct? If that doesn’t mean that they were meant for each other, Chanyeol does not care.

“It’s my favorite.” Chanyeol flashes him a shy smile, still giddy from the thought that Baekhyun got his preference right.

“Glad it still is.” Baekhyun takes a scoop from his strawberry ice cream. “I remember you eating mango ice cream every Wednesday back in high school so I went with that.”

Chanyeol accidentally bites his tongue and tries not to make his pain obvious. “What?”

Baekhyun… has spared him his attention back then?

The fact doesn’t sit well with Chanyeol. It just doesn’t seem possible for his crush to look his way. Baekhyun probably pays attention to everyone like that, he was a social butterfly in high school anyway.

Baekhyun smiles at him. “Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to make it sound so creepy. The shop was my favorite hangout place after class, I went there every day and so I see you once a week.”

For someone who claims to have a big fat crush on Baekhyun, why doesn’t Chanyeol know this?

“Why don’t I know that?!” Chanyeol voiced out his thoughts.

“I don’t know.” Baekhyun shrugs. “I thought you were in love with me since high school?”

If there is one thing that Chanyeol hates about being pregnant, it’s him being overly emotional and crying over stupid things. He assumes he’s going to hate a lot of things as time goes on, he hasn’t experienced the cramps yet that he learned from google.

Would Baekhyun be able to keep up with his mood swings until then? He shouldn’t leave, he’s the father of his child.

“I’m sorry I didn’t know.”

Baekhyun was quick to wipe his tears with the back of his hands.

“Nooo, don’t cry. I was only kidding. Please smile for me now, pretty.”

Chanyeol snorts at that. “Liar. Sehun said I look the ugliest when I cry.”

The other laughs at that, squishing Chanyeol’s cheeks between his palms. “That’s because the only pretty thing for him is his dog.”

Chanyeol pushes Baekhyun’s hands away from his face and smiles at the latter’s comment. Baekhyun’s gotten close with Sehun so fast that he’s actually surprised. Sehun isn’t exactly approachable towards people he’s not friends with even if they all went to the same high school, but he instantly clicked with Baekhyun the moment Chanyeol formally introduced them to each other.

He is thankful for that, at least he got one less thing to worry about.

“So, uh,” Baekhyun speaks again. “I booked you an appointment to the doctor today.”

Chanyeol feels it again; the warm feeling that spreads across his chest down to his stomach.

Baekhyun is thoughtful, he’d make a good husband in the future.

“Oh.” Whoever his future spouse will be, they will be very lucky to have Baekhyun. “When?”

That’s for sure.

“Hm, let’s see…”

But the future spouse should let them see Baekhyun too—Chanyeol and their child. Even at least once in a while. The baby should grow up without having problems spending time with his father, and Chanyeol should—

Chanyeol… he…

Nothing. He doesn’t have reasons to see Baekhyun. He is just the other father of his child. Why would Baekhyun spend time with him after this?

Right?

“…it’s in an hour. We still have plenty of time so—Chanyeol?”

But something within Chanyeol couldn’t agree to the hard facts presented to him. It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth; not having to see Baekhyun anymore after growing accustomed to his presence for the whole time he’s pregnant.

He realizes that he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want that anymore. Baekhyun never really left; the traces of him resided in Chanyeol’s mind for years now.

But now that he will learn to live with Baekhyun lying by his side at night and day, nothing would be more present than Baekhyun’s absence the time he walks out of his life.

“Chanyeol? Hey?”

Chanyeol’s memories of him wouldn’t suffice anymore.

“Chan—“

“Don’t leave me.”

What was that?

Even Chanyeol doesn’t know. What he only knows right now is that he wants to feel the warmth Baekhyun’s hand brings over his own for a long time.

He is not owning Baekhyun, no, he is not the right person for that.

“What?” Baekhyun laughs at the sudden answer. “Of course I won’t. But if I’m not allowed to go in I’ll wait for you outsi—“

“No.”

But Chanyeol will never let him go either.

He tries again, words firmer this time. “Don’t leave me.”

Baekhyun stares at him for a moment, then he smiles, eyes twinkling as he now understands.

“I won’t.”

Baekhyun repeats his answer, but it feels different to him than the last as they are now talking about the same thing and Chanyeol suddenly doesn’t know which is scarier.

“I’ll wait for you.”

 

 

✨✨✨

 

 

Trips to the clinic have been frequent since then, with Baekhyun holding his hand throughout the entire time and his own hand rubbing his stomach that is slowly getting more and more visible as days quickly pass by. Chanyeol doesn’t know which week he is in; it was Baekhyun’s role to keep count of the days and his only job, as per Baekhyun’s command, is to sit pretty and make sure that their baby is healthy.

However, he is now sure that there is an actual living thing inside of him now as he started experiencing “the inevitable” as Sehun would like to call it.

Chanyeol started gaining weight, something that isn’t really surprising as Baekhyun spoiled him well. His arms can now be pinched due to the fat and he now has a double chin. The bloating that comes with it is also something that he does not appreciate. It makes his feet hurt.

Also, it doesn’t make him look y no matter how hard he tries when Baekhyun is around. He should try harder, Baekhyun might not give him his weekly packs of gummy bear anymore if he’s ugly.

But even though Chanyeol is not really in favor of the changes in his body, there is something that Baekhyun seems to have taken a liking to: his chest.

His s feel tender nowadays. Chanyeol hates it because they hurt when touched, but Baekhyun seemed to like the little mounds that are starting to form on his chest and so he started wearing fitted shirts when the other is in his apartment.

He also caught Baekhyun searching one time on the internet when they will leak and if adults can taste them.

There are definitely things Chanyeol wishes he has never known.

“Ah!”

The fingers pressing too hard on his back snaps Chanyeol out of his trance. He looks over his shoulder to see Baekhyun smiling at him almost apologetically.

Almost. “Heh. Sorry, we’ve been like this for an hour now I can’t feel my fingers anymore.”

Now it’s Chanyeol’s turn to not feel sorry for making Baekhyun massage his back for an hour now. Back pains have been frequent since last week, Baekhyun should take responsibility for making him experience this.

“It’s your fault, take responsibility.”

Baekhyun slightly pinches his side, not hard enough to hurt but Chanyeol still winces just because he wants to.

“How is it my fault that your back hurts, grandpa?”

Chanyeol turns around, facing him completely with furrowed brows. “Did I put the baby inside my belly on my own then?”

Baekhyun smiles at him and massages his forehead to smooth out his furrowed brows. “It’s kind of your fault too.”

Ah, Chanyeol knows what he’s going to say next. This punch line has been used a thousand times in the dramas that Minseok binge-watches when he comes over.

“Yeah, my fault is I looked too hot for you that you wanted me to have your kids?”

Baekhyun smiles and it was almost a beautiful sight.

Almost, if not for the embarrassment that will come to him after. “No, I asked you if you were a carrier that night and you said no.”

Chanyeol automatically loses the argument because he does not remember anything from that night. He feels his cheek burning at the answer but doesn’t let it faze him and he bites back.

“…kay.”

Baekhyun laughs out loud, eyes squinting into tiny crescents and it wakes up the teenager in Chanyeol; the kid who was head over heels for the guy in front of him that he loses it every time he smiles. That he hears his heart beating loudly in his ears when the guy in front of him laughs like this. That everything around him stops when Baekhyun lays his eyes on him.

Ah, Chanyeol feels it again: the butterflies in his stomach that he thought went away with Baekhyun’s disappearance.

And now they’re back because Baekhyun is, too.

The butterflies in his stomach back then find their way back to Chanyeol now because he and Baekhyun have found their way back to each other.

“Chanyeol.”

And then, Baekhyun is suddenly leaning in, with his twinkling eyes and soft smiles and Chanyeol does not know what to do.

“I—“

Chanyeol pulls away before Baekhyun’s lips could touch his.

“S-so uh, it was a-amazing you remember anything from that night. Haha.” Chanyeol is stammering, his fast beating heart is yet to calm down because of what Baekhyun did. “I don’t remember a-anything from that night, my alcohol tolerance has always been low. H-haha.”

Something flashes across Baekhyun’s face and Chanyeol is scared.

This is the first time he couldn’t read Baekhyun. He is scared, it doesn’t feel good—it doesn’t feel right.

“Right.” Baekhyun nods, creating a distance between them that does not feel right to Chanyeol to be existing. “Amazing, huh?”

Suddenly, Baekhyun is smiling at him again like nothing happened. For reasons he does not know, it made Baekhyun seem more distant than the space between them.

It scared Chanyeol even more.

“I expected it actually—that you wouldn’t remember anything when you wake up.” Baekhyun pinches Chanyeol’s nose and the touch doesn’t linger. It didn’t feel real. “But I saved my number on your phone just in case you remember and want to see me.”

He obviously didn’t know that.

Chanyeol does not know what to say. To think that Baekhyun has been nothing but thoughtful to him ever since and here he is, backing away from a kiss that might be done with feelings involved because he’s not the right person for that.

Baekhyun seems to misunderstand his silence as he speaks again.

“I asked for consent.” Baekhyun lets out a forced laugh. “I didn’t take advantage of your drunk state. You kind of… jumped on me… literally.”

Then, scenes from that night flash through Chanyeol’s mind as he suddenly remembers.

He now remembers throwing himself on a guy that looks like his high school crush, hugging him and drooling on his neck with the guy slightly pushing him but Chanyeol tightens his hold instead. He now remembers the guy telling him that he’s too drunk and offering to drive him home and Chanyeol now remembers saying ‘ yes, Baekhyun’ and the guy answering him with ‘ glad you still remember m e’.

He now remembers asking the guy not to leave his apartment and pulling him in for a kiss after putting him to bed, the guy giving in after a few attempts of pulling away and asking him things that Chanyeol thinks could probably wait later.

“Are you a carrier?” was one of the questions.

“No.” was what Chanyeol answered because what he heard was something along the lines of “carry her” and he will not really appreciate it if he sees the guy that looks like Byun Baekhyun carrying a woman in front of him.

If he could only go back in time and slap himself that night, he wouldn’t, because that’s Byun Baekhyun right there and he still wouldn’t want to waste the opportunity.

Those were what he can only remember, though. And Chanyeol doesn’t know whether to be grateful that he can’t remember everything or be bothered that he isn’t aware of what he may have done worse than those.

“Oh.”

Chanyeol doesn’t say that he now remembers. What you don’t know won’t hurt you or whatever, right?

“Yeah. Oh .” Baekhyun mocks with a smug look on his face. It made Chanyeol sigh with relief, he can feel Baekhyun’s presence again.

Chanyeol wanted to know if Baekhyun’s touch feels warm again too. “Do you want to touch it?”

“Huh?” Baekhyun blinks. “You want me to touch you right now? Well that’s random.”

Chanyeol’s eyes widened in embarrassment. “What—no! I meant my stomach!”

“Oh. Sure.”

Baekhyun places a hand on his stomach and Chanyeol feels the warmth spread through his whole body. He feels Baekhyun rubs his belly gently, his face moving closer to it.

“Can I lift your shirt?”

Chanyeol nods. “Let me lie down first.”

He lies down on the bed and Baekhyun follows, lying beside him with his elbow prompted on the bed as he rests his chin in his palm, his face only a couple of inches away from Chanyeol’s stomach.

The hand is back on his belly. “Hey little one.”

Baekhyun draws mini circles on his stomach, Chanyeol closes his eyes.

“Daddy lost count, but I’m sure that soon enough we’ll be able to feel your little kicks from here.”

Daddy. His child has a father he can call his own. It must be nice to feel something like that.

Chanyeol vows to himself that his child will not go through everything he has experienced as a child. With one look at Baekhyun, he is sure that he will help Chanyeol make it happen—they will make it happen.

“Be nice to Dada, okay? Don’t give him a hard time while you’re in there.” Baekhyun pokes his stomach. “Daddy doesn’t like seeing Dada hurt. Can you do that for me, baby?”

A tear left Chanyeol’s closed eye. His child is blessed with parents who will love him (or her, but he would like it if his baby is a boy) when he’s ready to see the world, and that is more than enough for Chanyeol.

Baekhyun kisses his stomach. “I want to see you now, is it bad if Daddy wants to be with you as soon as possible, hm? I love you already, little one.”

Chanyeol opens his eyes to see Baekhyun looking at him with a look that he doesn’t want to understand. Baekhyun shouldn’t look at him like that. He is not the right person for it.

Chanyeol can only give him a child, but he can’t give him a family. He’s not the right person for that.

Baekhyun speaks again to their unborn child, but he is looking straight at Chanyeol.

“But take your time. I’ll wait for you until you’re ready.”

 

 

✨✨✨

 

 

Chanyeol dreams of it again.

He was seven that time. He woke up with his throat feeling dry in the middle of the night, finding the water bottle on his study table empty and so Chanyeol decides to go to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. With a dog plushie clutched in his hand, he walks down the stairs, finding the lights open near the bathroom adjacent to the kitchen sink, signaling that there is someone in there.

Chanyeol did not give it much thought, proceeding to pour himself a glass of water when he hears a retching sound coming from the bathroom.

His mom might have been throwing up again.

It has been going on for a while now, and so Chanyeol decides to walk towards the bathroom to check up on his mother. Seeing the bathroom door slightly ajar, he pushes it open without making his mother aware of his presence.

Then he sees it; how his mother pushes a finger down to force herself to vomit. He silently watches at first, thinking that his mom might have an upset stomach so she needs to throw up the food her stomach couldn’t properly digest.

But then his mother did not stop emptying her stomach even until nothing was coming out of .

Chanyeol was close to tears seeing her mother hurt herself when he croaks out a silent call.

“M-mommy?”

His mother turns her head from where she is crouched down the toilet, her hands gripping tight on the sides. “Chanyeollie, what are you doing here?”

Chanyeol failed to answer, confused as to why her mother is smiling like she is not in pain and why she is hurting herself.

His mother speaks again as she presses down the toilet flush. “Is mommy pretty again?”

“Huh?” Chanyeol watches her stand up from the floor. “Y-you’re always pretty, m-mommy. Please d-don’t hurt yourself, it hurts Chanyeollie too.”

His mother washes her hands on the sink first before nearing Chanyeol.

“I’m not hurting, baby. I am making daddy love mommy again.” She points at her stomach. “Look Chanyeollie, daddy will love mommy again if she’s pretty. Mommy will be pretty again if she’s not fat.”

Chanyeol could not understand. “W-why? Daddy doesn’t love mommy anymore?”

His mother shakes her head. “No baby, not anymore. Because mommy is not y.”

Then he remembers the strangers his father brings home when his mother is at work. He remembers how all of them were skinny women, and that his father would tell him every time to not tell mommy that daddy brought a playmate at home.

Chanyeol always wondered why his daddy would bring different playmates every week when he could play with him instead. They could play football in the backyard like the old times or they could go to the arcade and play shooting games like before.

He sees himself in the mirror placed above the sink and he now thinks he understands why.

“Then… daddy doesn’t play with Chanyeollie anymore because I’m fat too, mommy? He doesn’t love Chanyeollie anymore, too?”

Chanyeol looks up at his mom, asking another innocent question. “Daddy always brings playmates at home. He told Chanyeollie not to tell mommy. The noonas are all skinny.”

He failed to hear his mother’s sobs over his own. “I’m sad mommy, because Chanyeollie has a big tummy.”

Chanyeol unconsciously drops his plushie on the floor and he stares at his index finger, his other four fingers slowly curling in as he brings the pointing finger near his mouth.

“Should I make daddy love me again too, mommy?”

His mother pushes his hand down and embraces him tight, her sobs growing louder as she whispers a string of apologies on his son’s head.

“No, baby, I’m sorry—“ His mother rubs his back. “I’m sorry.”

Chanyeol was confused alone. “Why not, mommy?” He asks against her body pressed to his face.

“Because I love you,” she answered. “Because I’d make sure you won’t need your father’s love anymore—because I will love you with everything that I have.”

He did not say anything as he forced himself to understand.

“Chanyeollie,” His mother pulls away slightly to cup Chanyeol’s face in her hands. “promise me that you will never change yourself just to make someone love you, okay? Don’t repeat mommy’s mistakes.”

Chanyeol nods. “I promise, if mommy promises too that she will only need Chanyeollie’s love from now on.”

His mother did not answer and embraced him again instead.

It was then Chanyeol learned that parents can break your heart too.

“You’ll understand when you’re older, baby. I’m doing this for you.”

Chanyeol never did.

 

 

✨✨✨

 

 

“What is this?”

Chanyeol silently watches Baekhyun as the latter reads the paper in his hand, his other hand absentmindedly playing with Chanyeol’s fingers. It was amusing to him how Baekhyun could sound angry yet play with his hands as if assuring him that he could never be angry at Chanyeol no matter what he does.

Cute.

“An agreement.”

Baekhyun looks at him as if he provided a stupid answer. “Yeah, obviously, but care to explain why we need one?”

Chanyeol sighs and rests his head on Baekhyun’s shoulder. They are sitting side by side on the bed because his back pains are much more frequent now than before. “Because we’re halfway through the pregnancy.”

Time goes by so fast Chanyeol did not even realize until recently that he’s been living with Baekhyun for four months now.

His belly is now pretty much visible, his feet hurting every time he stands or walks for too long as his body is yet to adjust to the new weight to be supported by his lower limbs. He started experiencing nosebleeds too, but at least his nausea is lessened nowadays. His morning trips to the bathroom are not as usual as before and trust him when he says Baekhyun tends to panic every time Chanyeol puts a hand over his mouth, even when he’s just about to yawn.

“Oh right, we’re about to know her gender soon!” Baekhyun exclaims and his hand left Chanyeol’s to rub the pregnant man’s stomach. “I’ll dress you prettily, my baby, dada’s beauty wouldn’t compare to yours.”

Chanyeol pretends that the last comment did not have an effect on him. “Did you just assume his gender?”

Baekhyun blinks at him. It’s cute. Like a puppy. “Well, you just did too.”

He rolls his eyes at that, topic at hand forgotten as he’s not one to back down. “He’s a boy. It costs less to raise a boy.”

“Ah,” Baekhyun answers with parted lips, slowly shaking his head. “So you’re that kind of parent.” He turns to Chanyeol’s stomach again. “Don’t worry, little one, I’ll buy you everything you want.”

He pushes Baekhyun’s head away from his belly. “No, in this house, you’re not raising a brat.”

“We’ll move into my house then.”

Chanyeol averts his gaze because Baekhyun is looking at him again like he’s everything he wanted. It was a good feeling, he admits, to have Baekhyun’s attention alone that he never experienced in high school.

But Chanyeol didn’t want that; he never wanted that. Baekhyun being his has always been just a fleeting thought, but it was never more than that.

Chanyeol never dared to want an actual relationship with Baekhyun because he couldn’t afford to hurt him. He’d only waste his time.

“Baek…”

Baekhyun nods and moves back, creating distance between them again that had Chanyeol’s chest hurting.

“When you said you were in love with me since high school…” Baekhyun’s voice was void of any emotion, his gaze settled on the pillow where Chanyeol’s feet were placed on top of. “…was it even true?”

And there he thought the physical distance between them made by Baekhyun was hurtful enough, but Chanyeol never thought that Baekhyun being distant like this when he is just within an arm’s reach in reality would hurt more.

It was like watching Baekhyun slip away from his grasp when he wasn’t even holding onto him in the first place. Chanyeol doesn’t know what to feel, what he only knows right now is that this is the only time that he didn’t like Baekhyun’s voice. It makes his heart ache.

And his stomach.

“Yes.” Chanyeol answers without hesitation. “You were my first love, Baek.”

“I don’t think so.”

Ah, he now knows what he’s feeling—like being robbed; like something was being taken away from him but he couldn’t complain because it wasn’t his—because he didn’t hold tight onto it enough to deserve keeping it.

“The father of your child,” Baekhyun speaks again. “That’s all I am to you, right?”

He shakes his head. No. Chanyeol badly wanted to say no—to prove Baekhyun wrong.

“Then why wouldn’t you let me kiss you now that you know I have feelings for you?”

But what can he do when his actions say otherwise?

“I love you. I still do.” Chanyeol deems it was worth a try. “But I don’t… want to be with you. People can love each other without being together.”

Baekhyun laughs, loud and harsh and derisive.

Chanyeol finds it hard to breathe because it was all too much to take in; Baekhyun questioning Chanyeol’s feelings for him when he had them for years, Baekhyun liking him back and wanting to give it a shot, Baekhyun slipping away without understanding his side.

His frustrations were later reduced into tears as Chanyeol’s mind went blank. What only remained was the sadness brought by his incapability to keep the things he holds dear.

And the pain in his stomach.

Baekhyun seemed to notice it as he was fast to go to his side.

“Chanyeol, what’s wrong? Where does it hurt?”

“Here.” He pointed at his chest dramatically, but Baekhyun ignores it and reaches for his phone under one of the pillows. Chanyeol assumes he was calling his OB’s number.

“Yes—Hello, may I speak to Dr. Zhang—yes, thank you, I—Hey what do I do when his stomach hurts—no, I think it’s stress.”

Chanyeol smiles at that. Not a minute ago Baekhyun seemed like a completely different person with his eyes cold and voice flat but now he’s being incoherent just because Chanyeol felt his stomach hurt.

He likes it—he loves it when Baekhyun is being attentive to him like this but he couldn’t help but feel guilty that he does because then, is this really all that Baekhyun is to him now?

The father of his child?

“What? Yixing are you sure—“ Baekhyun continued talking on the phone as his other hand rubs Chanyeol’s belly. He doesn’t know what they’re talking about anymore, they sound like they’re fighting. He supposes that’s how it really is for childhood friends although one of them is professional.

“Don’t I have to bring him to you—hello? Hello?!”

Chanyeol’s body jumps at the sound of the phone being thrown somewhere on the floor.

“Rude piece of—“

“Hey, Baek,” Chanyeol interrupts because he doesn’t like seeing Baekhyun mad. It scares him. “It’s nothing serious, just a sharp pain then that’s it.”

Baekhyun sighs, shoulders relaxing. “The only thing he said was you should rest.”

Chanyeol feels like his body needs to rest too, but shouldn’t they finish talking first?

“But we aren’t done—“

“We’ll talk about it sometime.” Baekhyun gently pushes him to lie down, placing a pillow under his head. “Take a nap.”

Baekhyun was about to stand up and so he grabs his arm.

“Please don’t leave.”

Baekhyun nods, but it doesn’t feel quite assuring to Chanyeol. “I won’t.”

He feels the gap again. It never really felt right—like the gap would soon turn into walls Baekhyun would build around himself and it scared Chanyeol in ways he’s never imagined and he doesn’t even know why. It was him who didn't want to let Baekhyun in his life and yet he wants to be a part of Baekhyun’s.

It was suddenly a losing battle and it was his fault for not playing fairly.

He makes up for it by getting rid of the physical distance between them to comfort himself.

“Cuddle me so I know you really won’t.”

Baekhyun lies beside him, wraps his arms around him, and lets his head rest on his chest, but he has never felt more distant than before.

“I won’t.” Baekhyun repeats. Chanyeol closes his eyes.

Baekhyun doesn’t tell him he will wait for him this time.

 

 

✨✨✨

 

 

Dreaming of the past seems to be a reoccurring event for Chanyeol now.

This time, he was thirteen. He was more aware than he was when he was seven, finally understanding what was happening in his family. His mother’s words to him when he was younger finally made sense, but he still couldn’t take it to his heart because he finally realizes that his words back then were wrong.

He was wrong. He understands now that it wasn’t his nor his mother’s fault that resulted in the downfall of their family.

It was all his father’s.

He silently watches from the stairs how his mother threw things at his father, and how his father would bite back with a string of profanities and harsh insults towards his mother’s attitude and physical appearance.

This was their routine for years now: Chanyeol pretending to be asleep so his parents could point fingers and fight like they never loved each other, then he would silently watch in the corner once they are too into it to notice his presence.

Chanyeol watches with disgust. He couldn’t fathom how his father still had the audacity to fight back at his mother when he was supposed to be apologizing and owning up to his mistakes. He was supposed to be comforting her; rubbing her back and kissing the top of her head like what his mother does to him when he was younger every time he cries because his father never spared him his attention anymore.

He was supposed to be better because isn’t that what love is? Isn’t love supposed to be an endless cycle of fixing every mistake you have done and trying to be better? isn’t love supposed to be enough reason for them to want to go back to how they were before?

Her mother is skinny now; it was the physical manifestation of all the wrongdoings of his father. Doesn’t he love her again now?

His father shouldn’t have a reason to cheat now, his mother changed her whole self to adjust to his needs. His father shouldn’t be anything but thankful.

But what his father only did was to blame his mother.

“It was your fault I looked for another woman!” His father shouted. “It’s because you were like this!”

Chanyeol remembers laughing at that. His father was trying to justify his mistakes but that’s all it would ever be. Him having other women would be explainable; he could have all the reasons in the world to cheat, but that wouldn’t mean it can serve as an excuse.

His reasons would never make his mistakes right. There is not one reason in the world that would ever make cheating right. Even a kid like him knows that, his father should’ve known better.

“Yes, it’s my fault.” His mother answers back. “It’s my fault that I could never make myself enough for you no matter what I do, right? I have no use for you—nothing but a burden. I should just…”

It was with that unspoken answer that Chanyeol started hating his mother too.

He wasn’t stupid. He knows that his mother has an unnecessary stock of pills in her drawer. He knows that the cuts on her thigh that she tries so hard to cover with her dress isn’t just a slip of hand while cooking. That’s what was stupid, her excuses and her reasons and her actions invalidating the fact that she has a son.

His parents were both selfish; only thinking about themselves—their needs and wants and their hanging relationship. They both keep on forgetting that they have a child.

Both of them weren’t ready to be a parent and what’s worse is that their own child realizes it first before they do.

It was the second time his mother broke his heart again.

Chanyeol hated his father but he wasn’t hurt by it anymore, time made him immune to his father’s negligence and he grew out of wanting his affection as he grew older. The only thing connecting Chanyeol to him now is the fact that they are related by blood; Chanyeol couldn’t care less about anything his father does and everything he doesn’t like when he was younger.

But his mother—he held onto his mother’s words. Chanyeol hated her more for giving him empty promises that she thought she could carelessly throw just because he was young and naïve. What hurts Chanyeol is the false sense of hope his mother gave him because he waited for those promises to be fulfilled—he waited for his mother to love him without seeing it only as a chore or as a key to his father’s heart.

Chanyeol never felt his father’s presence, but his mother’s made him feel the loneliest.

That night, Chanyeol promised to himself that he would never go through all of this again.

 

 

✨✨✨

 

When Chanyeol woke up, Baekhyun wasn’t by his side anymore. He couldn’t complain though, Baekhyun is still probably mad at him for being the biggest jerk to ever reject a guy like him.

Of course, Baekhyun wouldn’t understand. He has somewhat expected it. It wasn’t like the possibility of Baekhyun liking him back never crossed his mind especially since they are spending time together with each other now, and being the other parent of his child might just have an extra pull. He has thought of it, but Chanyeol just didn’t expect it to actually happen.

So now that Baekhyun laid his feelings bare towards him, he doesn’t know what to do.

His subtle rejections wouldn’t be enough, he knows that. Baekhyun seems like the type of guy to woo him over and over until he gives it a try with him and it was actually sweet of him. He could win anyone over just with his dedication.

But the problem is, Chanyeol is the problem.

He still believes that two people can love each other without being together. Chanyeol would like to think that his feelings for Baekhyun should not be limited to a mere label—that it was more than that. He wanted to love Baekhyun freely; without all those unnecessary hurt and issues that might lead to a failed relationship. He doesn’t want all that mess. Chanyeol just wants to love him in the way he knows.

He wanted Baekhyun to not be tied to him just because he has feelings for Chanyeol—he wanted Baekhyun to be able to breathe. If Baekhyun meets a person that catches his eyes in the future, he wants Baekhyun to not feel responsible for Chanyeol's feelings.

He doesn’t want to lock Baekhyun in a cage, no, his love should help Baekhyun grow and not restrict him from the things he could have and he could be. Chanyeol wants him to always have a choice, because that’s what Chanyeol would want too; to be free anytime he wants to be.

So that if everything else fails, their memories of each other wouldn’t hurt as much.

He really doesn’t want this to be like his parents’ relationship—where his mother gave up everything, even her sense of identity for his father who realized too late that he wanted something far greater than what he was only being offered.

Chanyeol hopes that Baekhyun will someday understand that they are better off the mess a relationship would bring.

He hears hushed voices coming from outside the room. Chanyeol assumes that Sehun came and that he’s currently having a conversation with Baekhyun. He gets off the bed and steps outside of the room, the voices getting clearer and clearer as Chanyeol walks towards them in the living room, the two sitting side by side on the couch.

He halts when he hears what they were talking about.

“You know Baek hyung, Chanyeol hyung has always been stubborn like that.” It was Sehun. “He keeps on denying himself what he wants because he’s afraid of what he’ll have to pay for it.”

“Really?” Baekhyun replies, coaxing the younger to continue.

“Yeah, he thinks negatively like that it sounds so stupid.” Chanyeol’s brows furrowed at Sehun’s comment. This kid has a sharp tongue. “But really, he should realize that we don’t share the same destiny with others. He should know that just because things didn’t work out for other people doesn’t mean it will be the same for him.”

“Was it from a past relationship?” Baekhyun asks. “His… logic. Was it because of an ex-boyfriend or something?”

“Nah, the last time he dated was in college and he never took them seriously. He even only agreed to go out with people who look like you.”

Sehun laughs with that big annoying mouth of his and he doesn’t even want to know Baekhyun’s reaction. It was a good thing that Chanyeol was behind them.

Thankfully, Baekhyun didn’t give it much thought. “Then why?”

Ah, he must be so used to people falling head over heels for him. Not really surprising.

“It was because of his parents.” He sees Sehun shake his head. “Well, I don’t know if I should tell you this but since you’re his hopefully future husband, I guess I could trust you.”

Chanyeol sarcastically gapes at that. The audacity of this kid to doubt trusting Baekhyun with his secret that was not his business in the first place. He is speechless.

“His father cheated. And his mother… well…”

Chanyeol thinks that should be enough.

“…she’s the closest to him but—“

“The is an ugly person doing in my place?” Chanyeol interrupts, the two men whipping their heads towards him as he walks near them and sandwiches himself in between them.

They are sitting too close to each other, that is not allowed under Chanyeol’s watch. “Move, .”

The two were forced to move back to give Chanyeol space. The pregnant man scoots closer to Baekhyun as he glares at Sehun.

“You sound more like a menopausal woman.”

“Your opinion will be valid when you don’t look like that Larva character anymore. So what were you guys talking about?” Chanyeol chirps after insulting the younger, hoping they wouldn’t answer him with the truth.

“You rejecting him twice already.” Sehun lies and Chanyeol could’ve been thankful for that if not only for his answer. “Seriously, hyung? You practically built a shrine for Baekhyun hyung why would you reje—hmph!”

Chanyeol covers his face with the cushion pillow he’s been sitting on, but not hard enough so the younger can still breathe. “Time to say goodbye, Sehun. You know too much.”

He turns to Baekhyun and sees that the latter doesn’t look fazed, but Chanyeol still explains.

“He’s overreacting. I just hung polaroid photos of you on my bedroom wall back then.”

“Tell him how many.” Sehun pipes in after he successfully slapped the pillow away from his face.

“Two.”

Sehun slaps Chanyeol with the pillow on his face. “, you’re missing a zero.”

“Shut the up, Oh Sehun.”

“No you shut up, hyung.”

“No you—“

“No you—“

They stop bickering when Baekhyun clamps a hand over their mouths. “No fighting, kids.”

Chanyeol brushes off the nonexistent dust on his lap as he sits properly as an excuse for his left foot to subtly swing and kick Sehun on his calves. The younger didn’t bother to fight back, already getting used to his hyung’s antics which have been less playful and more painful since he got pregnant.

Sehun just thinks of how they’re already a few months in, which should be enough to assure him that he can also survive the remaining months.

“Why are you even here?” Chanyeol asks the younger after getting tired of kicking him and not getting any reaction in return. Baekhyun was silent in his seat. It was getting awkward.

“To check on you, duh?”

Chanyeol rolls his eyes. “Your parcel came yesterday, I placed it above the fridge.”

Sehun was fast on his feet and he was already running towards the kitchen.

“Chanyeol hyung, you’re the best!” Sehun hollers, along with a sound of something falling on the floor and probably a forehead hitting the cupboard. “I have to go now! Bye lovebirds!”

A few seconds later, they hear the front door closing and Chanyeol relaxes on Baekhyun’s side.

“Sorry about that.” Chanyeol says, his hand scratching his nape when Baekhyun throws him a curious look. “Heh, I’m kind of his wallet so you should expect that from time to time.”

Baekhyun nods, looking like he was listening but the far-fetched expression on his face tells the pregnant man otherwise. Chanyeol thinks he should be glad that Baekhyun wasn’t that good at faking his emotions. For what reason? He doesn’t know, but somehow, knowing that was slightly comforting.

“We… should talk.” He tries again. “About earlier.”

“You weren’t ready for commitment yet.” Baekhyun answers, eyes glued on the floor as if it was more interesting than what they were talking about. “I understand.”

No, Chanyeol thinks that he doesn’t because his answer was implying that Chanyeol will be ready for it someday in the future. He wouldn’t be, simply because he just doesn’t want to. Baekhyun shouldn’t keep his hopes up on Chanyeol while it’s not too late.

“Baek, I wouldn’t be.” He is now thankful that Baekhyun isn’t meeting his eyes, because Chanyeol doesn’t think that he could handle the guilt if he sees even the slightest hint of hurt in the smaller’s eyes. “The idea of an actual relationship… I’m not up for it.”

Baekhyun lifts his head and Chanyeol thought that his response would be a string of assurance that he wouldn’t hurt him or that he wouldn’t be like his father after what Sehun told him or just anything that would make Chanyeol change his mind.

What he didn’t expect was a simple question.

“Why?”

He has a lot of reasons as to why. Chanyeol usually answers without hesitation when he is asked why he doesn’t want to try to take dating seriously and, in other people’s words, fall in love properly. He answers in a heartbeat that he doesn’t want to end up like his parents—that their broken marriage is traumatizing enough for Chanyeol to not see it for himself.

But being asked by Baekhyun like this, he suddenly couldn’t find the right words to say.

(For a second, Chanyeol thought that maybe it was because his reasons weren’t right in the first place.)

Baekhyun meets his eyes this time. “Why, Yeol?”

Chanyeol averts his gaze, not wanting to admit that he isn’t so sure of his answer now because of him. 

“I…”

“Sehun told me you’re the closest to your mom,” Baekhyun says, curiosity probably piqued by the newfound fact and to most likely change the topic, or so Chanyeol thinks. “Can I meet her?”

He unconsciously raises an eyebrow at the sudden request. “Why?”

“Come on, I want to meet my mother in law too.” Baekhyun chuckles as if Chanyeol didn’t reject him by far too many times. “Maybe I should court her first before you, no?”

Ah, he should have expected it. His assumptions were right then; Baekhyun doesn’t look like he’s the type to back down.

Chanyeol should be finding it weird that the father of his child wants to meet his parents as if there is something between them. Not that he wouldn’t agree to meeting Baekhyun’s parents if he was asked to, but it wasn’t necessary for them to do since their relationship is nothing but two people accidentally having a child.

But for reasons unknown to Chanyeol, he felt his heart soar at that.

He tells himself that it was because of the implication that Baekhyun does not plan on forgetting him after all of this.

After all, Baekhyun is still his first love despite all of this.

“Okay.”

Baekhyun’s face lights up before Chanyeol can even realize what he said but he doesn’t take it back, not when Baekhyun’s eyes twinkle like this.

“Thank you, Yeol! Go get changed, I’ll just take a shower.”

Chanyeol couldn’t take it back, not when a meaningless slip of tongue made Baekhyun smile at him like he gave him the world.

“Okay.”

For the first time in years, Chanyeol isn’t so sure of what he wants now.

 

✨✨✨

 

“Hi, ma. How have you been? Someone here wants to meet you.”

Chanyeol smiles at Baekhyun who seems to be staring at him for a minute now with a look that he doesn’t want to see. He gestures at him to speak and Baekhyun breaks out of his trance.

“Ah yes, um, hello, my future mom-in-law. I bought you flowers.”

Baekhyun crouches down, swiping his palms against the headstone to remove the dirt covering the engraved letters on its surface. He blows on the granite after, placing the bouquet inches below her name. 

He wipes his hands on his pants when he stands up, then he faces Chanyeol with a sheepish smile on his face.

“I would’ve bought candles too if you told me.”

“There’s no need for that,” Chanyeol chuckles, hitting Baekhyun lightly on his arm. “And please stop looking at me like she died just yesterday.”

Baekhyun laughs at him, and Chanyeol feels relieved that he’s slowly looking at ease. 

“Sorry.” Baekhyun turns his gaze down the headstone. “Mrs. Park, I— what was I about to do agai—ah! I’m Byun Baekhyun, ma’am! Your future son-in-law, hopefully—I mean, you’ll like me, I promise!”

Chanyeol unconsciously smiles as he watches Baekhyun stumble over his words in front of his mother. The sight brings warmth to his chest; Baekhyun stuttering even if he’s only talking to a headstone is something that Chanyeol doesn’t expect, but it wasn’t unwelcome, though. 

Terrifying, but for reasons Chanyeol doesn’t want to know, not unwelcome.

“I’m, um, kind of the father of your grandchild.”

 Chanyeol raises his eyebrow at that and hits Baekhyun on the back of his head. Is Baekhyun doubting him if the child is his? 

“What do you mean ‘kind of’? I don’t sleep arou—”

“Hey, hey,” Baekhyun shushes him with a finger on his lips. “Calm down, that’s not what I meant. It’s just… remember the agreement you made?”

Ah, the handwritten agreement Chanyeol wrote on a crumpled piece of paper that was left somewhere on the bed because the man in front of him decided to indirectly confess to him again?

Of course he didn’t. How can Baekhyun expect him to still remember the stupid agreement after what happened?

“I didn’t read it, actually.” Baekhyun adds. “Because it felt like you wanted us to raise the baby separately. I mean—how do I say this?”

Chanyeol waited for him to continue.

“Knowing you made an agreement for what happens after made me feel unsure if you want the baby to know that I’m his other father.”

The warmth in Chanyeol’s chest was replaced with a sting. Hurting Baekhyun wasn’t his intention. Will he always be like this?

When will he stop hurting the ones he claims to love?

“Stupid.” The sting in his chest seemed to have also reached his eyes as his vision blurs. “If you've only read what's written there, you'd see one of the bullets saying your child should have your undivided attention when you're with him, even if you have a lover."

Baekhyun's forehead crunches in disagreement. "You know I wouldn't date anyone but you."

Chanyeol closes his eyes, not wanting to see the look on Baekhyun's face that's slowly making guilt invade his system. 

He shouldn't feel like that. He shouldn't have anything to be sorry about. He had rejected Baekhyun the first time he knew about his feelings, why is he feeling like he did something wrong?

He wasn't keeping Baekhyun's hopes up, so what is it that feels so wrong and why does it feel like he's done something wrong to himself too?

Why does it feel like he is betraying both himself and Baekhyun?

"That's exactly what I don't want to hear, Baek." 

Chanyeol tries again while he pushes all the unnecessary feelings aside, looking at Baekhyun's eyes directly. "I want you to date other people. Don't restrict yourself from feeling loved just because you're loving someone."

Baekhyun blankly laughs at him and Chanyeol realizes that they weren't on the same page again.

But were they ever?

"Ah, I can't believe I'll be saying this in front of your mother." Baekhyun clicks his tongue in annoyance. "But what the , Chanyeol?"

Of course, Chanyeol tells himself, Baekhyun wouldn't understand. But he shouldn't feel bad about it, right? He wasn't given the chance to explain himself anyway.

But why does it hurt every time Baekhyun doesn't meet his eyes?

Why does it hurt every time Baekhyun couldn’t see through him?

“You don’t—” Baekhyun closes his mouth for a second and opens it again. “You don’t love to be loved, Chanyeol, you love because—I don’t know, because you love ? Don’t you understand?”

No, Chanyeol doesn’t, because when he did everything to lose weight when he was young, he did it out of his love for his father—he did it to be loved by his father who he loved so much he was willing to change his whole self. He doesn’t understand, because when he did everything to be enough for his mother just so she wouldn’t need his father anymore, he did it to have his mother back.

Chanyeol doesn’t understand, because he doesn’t know a single thing about love.

And so he shakes his head. “How do you love then, Baek?”

“You don’t love because.” 

Baekhyun finally looks at him and Chanyeol knows that he will be willing to teach him.

Just then, Chanyeol realizes that he is finally willing to understand. 

“You love despite.”

When he admits it to himself that he was in love with Baekhyun back then in high school, he wasn’t expecting anything in return. He wasn’t expecting Baekhyun to feel the same nor to call him his. For Chanyeol, it was something that he never felt the urge to act upon. 

It was just there; his feelings for Baekhyun were just there, growing and unchanging, but not demanding. They weren’t waiting to be reciprocated. 

But Chanyeol doesn’t exactly think it was love despite calling Baekhyun his first love. For him, it was a different kind of love. It was a love that developed from a long term attachment and not because he was hoping for it to be romantic. Yeah, that was just that—it was more of an attachment rather than love.

Yet here they are, his own first love validating the feelings he never even bothered to question. He loved Baekhyun without wishing to be loved by him back. 

Was it really love then?

Did he really love him?

“Then…” Chanyeol finds the voice to speak after a long time. “Will you love me… even if I’ll never want to be with you?”

Baekhyun was taken aback, but was quick to mask his reaction with a slight curve of his lips. “What do you think I’m doing now?”

Chanyeol still doesn’t understand, but he knows he’s getting there. 

“But—but you want us to be together. You were waiting for me to love you back.”

Baekhyun smiles at him and wipes the tear on his cheek he didn’t even realize has fallen. “But I never forced you to.”

And Chanyeol cries harder because he was wrong; because he still couldn’t understand despite changing his ed up definition of love with Baekhyun’s. He cries harder because he doesn’t want to live his life being incapable of loving the people who love him even when he doesn’t deserve it.

He wanted to learn, not because he wanted to love them back, but because he wants to love them regardless of what they give and what they don’t.

Chanyeol freezes on his spot.

That was it, right?

That was Baekhyun’s definition, isn’t it?

He cries again, but this time, it was because he was finally meeting Baekhyun halfway.

“Baek—”

“Fine, I’ll date other people.”

Really, Chanyeol should be glad after hearing Baekhyun say it. That’s what he wanted, right? He wanted Baekhyun to look for love that can benefit him too.

But why does he feel so disappointed—not even at Baekhyun but at himself?

For a second, Chanyeol wanted to ask if he was too late. But what even was he too late for?

What is this another feeling he couldn’t put his finger on?

“Only if you let me meet your father.”

Chanyeol unconsciously clenches his fist. “Why?”

Baekhyun smiles at him and for the first time, he badly wanted to wipe it off the other’s face. “He has to meet me too, right?”

No, Chanyeol doesn’t think so. “He’s dead, I buried him alive.”

Baekhyun fakes out an incredulous gasp. “Oh no, then take me to his grave. Come on, Yeol, I have to assure him I wouldn’t leave you and the baby. Even if I’d have a lover, that is.”

Chanyeol is annoyed at two things as of the moment. First, the topic on his supposed to be dead father, and the other he couldn’t exactly pinpoint. 

Somehow, the latter weighs heavier.

“What for? He’s dead, and irrelevant, and dead, and irrelevant, and dead—”

“Then date me.”

Chanyeol is now annoyed at three things, himself added on the list when he says:

“Okay. Tomorrow.”

Baekhyun beams at him and he would’ve felt his knuckles itch with the want to punch someone’s handsome face if he wasn’t too engrossed with the fact that he’d have to face a person he has long buried in the past tomorrow. It’s not that his father affects him in any way, no, he has moved on—or so he’d like to call it.

He has moved on, and he’s more than sure his father has too. And even if he hates his father with every fiber of his being, Chanyeol thinks it wouldn’t hurt to acknowledge that it’s still his right to know when his son is pregnant.

It was all in the past. He wasn’t even haunted by it. 

What could go wrong, right?

Chanyeol feels Baekhyun take his hand, and with a heavy heart, he realizes how much he wouldn’t ever want to move on from this feeling.

At least not now. Not yet.
 

 

✨✨✨

 

 

Moving on is a term he uses for the things he’s escaped from. 

Moving on is what he calls dropping things then and there the moment he deems it detrimental to his being. Moving on is what he calls it without trying to forgive nor forget something before leaving it. 

Moving on is what he tells himself he’s doing the moment he decided to disappear from his father years ago when his mother died, cutting off all communication even with his relatives so his father wouldn’t have a single idea where to find him if he ever tries to do so (but Chanyeol knows he wouldn’t, not when he wasn’t even acknowledged as his son when they were living under the same roof.)

He asked Sehun for help that time, looking for a cheap apartment in the city and transferring there despite being in the middle of his college semester. He managed to survive with what little money his mother has left for him—hardly, because although he knows that living in a dorm is cheaper, he still chose to be comfortable—and with the younger being fairly well off and is fortunately willing to help him with his expenses as he lives off of instant noodles and tap water.

Chanyeol didn’t think he would manage at first; surviving as a first year college student without any financial assistance from his family is pretty hard after all. But Chanyeol thinks that he’d rather lose his mind trying to make ends meet while being a student rather than to slowly lose his mental stability.

Being poorer than a rat is much more tolerable than living with the same person who killed his mother—that he calls his father.

Like his departure, his father had no idea of his return years later, and so Chanyeol doesn't know what to feel now that he's back in their old house. Should he feel guilty for both leaving without a word? Should he feel ashamed for coming back years later after that?

Should he feel mad seeing his father now in the flesh, looking healthy as ever, knowing that he has never even tried to look for him even if it was his doing?

But then, Baekhyun holds his hand and Chanyeol realizes that he doesn't have to ask himself what to feel as everyone but him knows. 

He was fuming.

It was all coming back; the screaming and the glasses breaking, the pointing of fingers and passing of blames, the bloodshot eyes and closed ears.

Chanyeol sees red when his father takes a step forward towards him.

"Chan—"

"Don't you ing dare."

No one spoke after that, his father staring at him with a somewhat pained expression as Baekhyun rubs his back to calm him down. The audacity of his father to look like Chanyeol’s absence affected him is something he could never fathom.

Chanyeol felt a sting on his lower belly, but he was too mad to care at this point. However, Baekhyun seems to notice and rubs his other hand on his stomach.

Chanyeol’s father stares at the hand on his son’s stomach as he asks. “Son… are you…?”

Baekhyun answered for him before he could even open his mouth.

“Good afternoon, sir. My apologies, I didn’t have the chance to properly introduce myself.” Baekhyun walks towards his father and extends a hand. “Byun Baekhyun, sir. Your son’s—“

Baekhyun stops to look at him for a second. “—fiancé, and the father of his child.”

Chanyeol should be mad at him too because that wasn’t what they have talked about, but he can’t. Not when it felt so right to be called his fiancé.

He heaves a sigh—of relief? Confusion? He isn’t quite sure.

What is this that he’s feeling?

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to meet you.” Baekhyun says after Chanyeol’s father shakes his hand. “I want to personally ask for your son’s hand in marriage.”

Chanyeol knows that he should be intervening because Baekhyun doesn’t look like he’d stop saying nonsense anytime soon, but for some reasons unknown to him, he finds himself rooted on his spot with a bunch of butterflies in his stomach that may or may not be the result of what Baekhyun referred to him as.

He thinks that it might be. Baekhyun is still his old high school crush after all, right?

“Thank you. For considering my opinion,” his father places his hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder and Chanyeol finds himself irritated again. “and for bringing my son back.”

“He’s not bringing anyone back .” Chanyeol seethes, forcing himself to calm down for the baby but he knows it was a losing battle. “I am not yours to keep.”

“I missed you, son.” was what his father only answered, but somehow, it managed to snap the thin thread of patience Chanyeol’s holding onto.

“I am not your son!” Chanyeol’s voice cracks, vision slowly getting blurry as tears pool around the corner of his eyes. “I am the son of the woman you killed!”

Baekhyun was fast to go to his side. “Yeol, calm down—“

“Let’s go.”

Chanyeol yanks him by the arm, the action turns out harsher than intended as his judgement is being clouded by anger, but Baekhyun doesn’t seem to mind as he slowly removes Chanyeol’s hand with a calming smile on his lips.

“I know we went here because I wanted to talk to your father,” Baekhyun softly brushes Chanyeol’s hair with his fingers. “but it’s you who needs to talk to him.”

Baekhyun’s thumb trails down to his forehead, soothing away the folds formed by his furrowed brows.

“Hear him out, baby. It’s not every day that we’re given a second chance.”

Chanyeol laughs at that. “I’m not giving him a second chance.”

Second chances are for people who want to start over again; Chanyeol doesn’t plan on fixing things between the man staring at them across the room. He doesn’t want to—he doesn’t need to.

“Then do it for me, hm?” Baekhyun looks expectant. “Think of it as giving me a chance instead.” 

Chanyeol stops at that. What’s Baekhyun talking about? 

“For what?”

“You’ll know.”

Baekhyun kisses him on the lips before he can respond. “Hey—“

“Do it for your high school crush, yes?”

With a chuckle and a light tap on his cheek, Baekhyun walks towards the door, bowing slightly on his father before closing it.

Chanyeol feels like being eighteen again.

He’s standing on the same spot that time; that time where he last let his eyes roam around the house he once was naive enough to have thought of his home before turning his back on it. And he feels it again: the want to turn his back on everything that’s in front of his eyes now—especially at the man in front of him now.

He realizes how foolish he was to think that he has moved on—that looking back wouldn’t hurt as much as it did before when the wound was still healing.

Oh how, how wrong he was as he feels the wounds he had thought were now only scars slowly being ripped open and making him bleed like the kid he was before. How wrong he was as it all comes back to him now like wildfire eating him alive and the pain engulfing him whole.

Ah, Chanyeol supposes that this is the price to pay for running away. It comes back stronger than before and forces itself back to your life.

Chanyeol should have known that the demons he managed to suppress instead of looking at it in the eye will eventually claw its way out of his chest to rip his heart open and make it bleed like before.

“Chanyeollie,” It was his father who spoke first. “Your father missed you so much.”

“I don’t have a father.” Chanyeol quickly answers as he glares on the man who calls himself a father. “You are not a father. You never were.”

In every step that his father takes forward is a step Chanyeol takes backwards.

“What went wrong, Chan?” His father asks, his son’s blatant rejection seeming to reflect in his eyes. “We were happy.”

“No! You were happy! You were the only one who’s happy!”

Chanyeol closes his eyes as he feels a sharp pain in his stomach. He forces himself to calm down before continuing to speak as his father only stared at him.

“Was it fun, Pa? Did it make you happy?” Chanyeol finally addressed him, the tone of his voice leaking with venom as he finally acknowledges the man as his father who had never acted like one. “Playing with different women in your room—did they make you happier than when you’re playing with me?”

Chanyeol laughs when he sees his father unconsciously take a step backwards.

“Right. Happy—it’s because you were so happy that we turned out to be a ing mess.”

He remembers how it all started with an unanswered call. How his mother stopped sending him to bed with a good night’s kiss because she was busy worrying about her husband who wasn’t picking up his phone. How his father stopped greeting him good morning with a promise to fetch him from school and watch their favorite movie. How the outings were reduced to unoccupied seats in the table during meals.

How his father was never home and his mother was never there and when they were both physically and mentally present, it was when Chanyeol felt the loneliest.

He has always asked himself why their absence seemed to be louder than their presence. It took him years to realize that it was because they were never there for him at all, with his mother only setting eyes on his father and the latter chasing the freedom he left on his youth the moment he decided to have a ring on his finger.

“Was it because we weren’t pretty enough to make you happy?” Chanyeol blankly laughs. “Was it because we weren’t pretty that we weren’t enough for you?”

“Chan—“

“We tried so hard, Pa.” Chanyeol finally lets himself cry. “I caught mom making herself pretty one day, you know? She has a finger up .”

Chanyeol laughs again, voice sounding like he was choking on his tears. “Then I thought, should I make myself pretty too so you’ll play with me agai—so you’ll like me again? I missed you so much I was willing to do that.”

He lets his knees fall on the floor, the pain he has tried so hard to run away from for so long overwhelming his senses.

“I’m sorry—“

“No.” Chanyeol slaps away the hand that is nearing him. “For years, Pa. For years I’ve wondered what was wrong with us—what we were lacking. It took me years to realize that the problem was your cheating .”

Chanyeol raises his head and immediately regrets it as he sees his father crying as well. Why was he crying like he wasn’t the one who caused the pain his son is feeling?

How disgusting.

“Is this what makes you happy? Being a murderer?”

His father was suddenly fast to answer.

“I am not a murderer.”

Chanyeol was now on his feet.

“You killed my mother.”

“It was suicide.”

He punches his father in the face.

“She killed herself because of you!”

Baekhyun enters the room again, probably having heard Chanyeol shouting from inside the room and gapes at the scene in front of him.

“What—oh my god, sir, are you okay—“

Baekhyun helps the man back on his feet and Chanyeol stares in disbelief for a second, then decides to continue instead of feeling betrayed by the man who called himself his fiancé.

“She told you she’ll do that the moment you leave—“

“She’ll kill me if I don't, Chanyeol!”

Baekhyun is now on his side, rubbing his back and holding his hand tight but Chanyeol feels nothing but the numbness settling in his chest as his father finally gets to answer back.

“That’s exactly why I left, Chan. It was suffocating. Your mother was depending her life on me—I can’t carry the weight of another person’s life!”

After hearing his father, Chanyeol wanted to close his eyes and tune out the voice of his father in his ears.

But he doesn’t want to at the same time, because he doesn’t want to hear the sound of his world falling apart and he doesn’t want to see the memory of his mother chaining his father to her through threats of self-harm play at the back of his closed eyes. 

Chanyeol realizes that he was still wrong. He realizes that everything he has thought was right is not what he thinks they are.

He doesn’t want to admit it to himself after years of standing by his mother that he understands his father.

“I loved your mother, I really did. But loving her was tiring. It made me grow out of the love I have for her. The only thing keeping me from leaving was you.”

Chanyeol feels Baekhyun kiss his temple with a whisper in his ear. “I’ll come in again when you need me.”

His father continued after Baekhyun left the room again.

“But I didn’t know that losing my wife means losing my son too.” Chanyeol averts his gaze when his father meets his eyes. “I lost everything all at once, son. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to find you.”

Just then, Chanyeol did what he missed doing when he was eight.

He hugged his father.

“I’m sorry that we weren’t ready to be a parent when we had you, Chanyeol-ah.”

Chanyeol lets himself cry in his father’s embrace.

“I hope this doesn’t make you close yourself to the people who want to love you. Your parents’ mistakes don’t define you, son.”

He shakes his head. “I’m scared, Pa.”

“Don’t be. It won’t happen to you, you’re better than us—far better than to let it happen to you.” His father answers with a low chuckle. “I can see that Baekhyun is willing to hold your hand.”

“Should I let him?” Chanyeol pulls himself away. “Should I let him hold my hand?”

His father nods. “As long as you’re willing to hold his hand, too.”

When Baekhyun comes back inside the room, Chanyeol sees him sporting that charming smile that made him fall for him years ago, looking like he was the one who has resolved years’ worth of grudges with the way he’s lighting up the entire room with his smile.

And as expected, Baekhyun managed to make Chanyeol’s father fall for him too within minutes.

“So, how did you get my son pregnant?”

Chanyeol laughs when he sees how Baekhyun’s smile falls off his face at the question. Gone was the boy-next-door act that he had practiced for his father as Baekhyun now looks like a trembling bunny.

He wants to hold Baekhyun’s hand. Just because he looks cute when nervous and afraid.

(Or maybe something else that is deeper than just that, it doesn’t matter now, not when he knows what Minseok was talking about now: he is not afraid of the fall anymore.)

And so Chanyeol did.

 

✨✨✨

 

Seeing his father inside his apartment almost thrice a week is something Chanyeol has never expected he would be fine with.

Months ago, he still loses composure even at the slightest mention of his father. He despised everything about the man including moments that weren’t painful. It didn’t matter to him even if it was a happy memory as it will all narrow down at the end to the fact that their family is broken.

The day after the talk, Sehun asked him how he managed to easily forgive his father with just a simple apology and an explanation that was really not reasonable enough to do the things his father had done.

And Chanyeol tells him the truth; that maybe, he doesn’t really care anymore about their relationship—that all he wanted was to get rid of what was holding him back to be with Baekhyun.

But who would’ve thought that he’d be looking at his father with a smile on his face as he watches him working in his kitchen, with Sehun lurking around the man while shyly looking at him?

Chanyeol realizes that it was all because of Baekhyun.

Since the guy came back to his life, every waking day seems to hold a little surprise for him. Chanyeol couldn’t say that he liked every bit of it, especially since it hasn’t completely dawned upon him yet that he is now a parent, but it was… okay.

It was weird—being new to the changes and sudden turn of events in his life, but it wasn’t bad at all. Not when Baekhyun has managed to give him the most precious gifts he could ever have: his baby and his father.

Chanyeol could almost say his life is complete. Almost, because it still feels like something was missing but not up to the point where it bothered him. It’s okay, he reminds himself, he’s learning now; he’s en route to rediscovering himself now. 

It’s okay to not know everything you want yet. Baby steps. It’s okay to take your time.

As if on cue, there was a knock on the door and Chanyeol immediately knew that it was Baekhyun.

“My dudes, I bought chicken and pizza!”

A chorus of cheers erupted in the kitchen, sounding almost childlike, and two men rushed towards the door to take the boxes Baekhyun is holding in his other hand.

Baekhyun walks towards him from where he’s seated in the living room, handing him a plastic bag. “Spaghetti, gummy bears, and a bottle of mayo as requested by my king.”

Chanyeol takes the plastic with a raised brow. “Why am I not a prince?”

Baekhyun crouches to lightly tap his stomach. “Because the prince wasn’t born yet.”

“I thought you want him to be a girl?”

He receives a flick on his forehead. “Doesn’t matter as long as it’s yours.”

Ah, he realizes it now; why Baekhyun was so adamant on meeting his father. His issues weren’t something anyone can fix, and Baekhyun was smart enough to make him face the problem from its roots so it resolves itself as it is the only thing that could help him. He was smart enough to make Chanyeol realize that running away isn’t always the answer.

And so from now on, he will stop running away from Baekhyun too. He wouldn’t say no to the pair of arms and a heartbeat that is willing to be his home anymore.

Home .

Chanyeol realizes that this is where he belongs—with Baekhyun.

He has to tell him now before it is too late.

“Baek—“

“We’re done preparing the table!” Sehun shouts from the kitchen and Chanyeol has never wanted to kick him where it hurts the most until now. “Get your asses in here in five seconds or I’ll throw this all away.”

He supposes it could wait—he could wait, just like how Baekhyun waited for him to finally give him a chance.

“Let’s go?”

Months have passed by so quickly, and he still couldn’t believe that this was his life now—that he now has more than just Sehun and the resto in his life. Chanyeol wouldn’t deny that he’s still getting the hang of it, waking up in the morning confused most of the time as to why his apartment is too loud, or on some days, waking up to the sound of a dog barking when Baekhyun brings his little corgi with him. 

His doctor said it was therapeutic. For what reason, he doesn’t know, but what they don’t know is that it was its owner who put a smile on his face.

He still couldn’t believe he now has his own person to make everything a little brighter, but the very much visible bump on his stomach reminds him that it’s real.

Chanyeol wouldn’t mind waking up every single day to Baekhyun’s face.

“Oh by the way,” The sound of his father’s voice snaps Chanyeol out of his reverie. “How far along are you?”

“Uh… Seven and a half months, I think?” He answers as he twirls spaghetti noodles around the fork. “Am I right, Baek?”

“Yeah. Seven months, three weeks, and four days to be—” 

Baekhyun stops talking when he sees Chanyeol dip his noodle-covered fork into his glass of cola, and shudders as he gapes at how the pregnant man swallows it down with much gusto.

“—precise…”

Chanyeol stops eating when he senses eyes on him out of the corner of his vision and he confirms it when he lifts his head.

“Why are you all looking at me?” He asks as he takes a sip from his drink, not noticing Baekhyun wincing in front of him as he suddenly feels conscious. “Is there something on my face?”

“No, nothing.” Baekhyun answers him with a forced smile which, again, Chanyeol fails to notice. “Is it good?”

Chanyeol nods enthusiastically. “Mm-hmm. It has lots of hotdogs in it! You’re the best!”

“You’re nearing labor, huh?” His father speaks again. “Did you start preparing for it?”

“Not really? There’s not much anyway.” He looks at Baekhyun before continuing. “I mean, Baekhyun enrolled me in a yoga class because he’s read somewhere that it helps with the delivery. And we’ll buy the essentials later. You know, for the baby.”

Chanyeol would be lying if he says he’s not excited for later. He was looking forward to it the whole week as he waited for Baekhyun’s day off. He doesn’t even know why, because even if the idea sounds… domestic, he was surprisingly okay with it.

He couldn’t even imagine himself months ago being excited over buying baby essentials, especially with the father of his child, but here he is.

He wouldn't want it any other way; Chanyeol doesn't deny it to himself anymore

"Huh," Sehun picks the pineapple off his pizza and puts it in his mouth. "Why would you spend money on yoga class when there's an easiest way to exercise for free?"

"Easiest?" Baekhyun's interest was piqued.

And Chanyeol's too when he heard— "Free?"

"Yeah?" Sehun answers sarcastically as he raises a brow. ". Duh?"

Baekhyun was suddenly choking on his own spit and Chanyeol's father rubs Baekhyun’s back as he laughs, seemingly nonchalant over the fact that his son's friend suggested to his son right in front of his face. Meanwhile, Chanyeol steps hard on Sehun's foot under the table.

"Aw!"

Chanyeol completely forgets that he wanted to complain at first why it is Sehun who is seated beside him and not Baekhyun, now enjoying seeing the younger lift his left foot on his chair to check if his toenails have turned black.

Sehun turns to him and he looks like he was really in pain. "That hurts, the ? What was that for?"

"You're overreacting." Chanyeol deadpans.

Sehun blinks at him. "I am not? That really hurts, what the ?"

"Yeah, one must know pain to understand pain or something."

"What—" Sehun crunches his forehead, his hurting foot suddenly forgotten and looking confused. "Why would I have to understand pain?"

"To know pain. Duh?"

The younger looks more confused. "What does that have to do with everything now? Why do I have to know pain exactly at this moment?"

Chanyeol pats him on the shoulder. "To understand pain. Again, duh?"

His father’s phone buzzes and he stands up after checking his phone.

“Okay kids, I have to go.”

He sees Baekhyun checking his watch, then he looks at Chanyeol and taps on it with a finger when he sees the latter already looking at him. They would probably go to the mall now too and so he quickly finishes his food.

“Why, Pa?”

“The plumber I called is on his way.” His father answers. “You know how it is with old houses, leaky pipes and all.”

“Do you want me to drive—”

His father cuts Baekhyun off, knowing what he’s about to suggest. “Oh, no, no. I want you to enjoy your date.”

It’s not a date , Chanyeol denies in his mind out of habit, but he doesn’t want to say that out loud anymore. He wouldn’t need to, because he’s Baekhyun’s boyfriend now.

Ah, boyfriend.

As someone who resented—who used to hate the idea of relationships and commitment, he can’t believe that he’ll be feeling like a teenager in love in his whole life until now 

Chanyeol learns that it was nothing like how the movies tell it to be the moment you become a lover. His heart isn’t pounding in his chest and his stomach doesn’t feel like there’s a zoo inside of it and his cheeks aren’t as red as a tomato. Instead, what was there was a buzz—it was like the sound of the warm feeling that spreads throughout his whole body.

He feels light too, like his hands and feet are itching to move and do something he doesn’t know. The new feeling is scary to Chanyeol; it was scary to not know anything about this as he was a person who likes to plan everything out, but he guesses he doesn’t mind.

Not when it’s Baekhyun.

But then he hears Baekhyun whisper.

“It isn’t a date, though… 

Sehun seems to have heard it too as Chanyeol hears him stifle a laugh and he when he meets Chanyeol’s eyes, the younger mouths. ‘Aw, you look affected.’

“Let’s go.” Chanyeol stands up from his seat. “I can’t stand being in the same room as Sehun anymore.”

Sehun makes a face. “Do I.”

The pregnant man raises a brow. “Do you what?”

“Do I look like I care.”

Baekhyun tugs him from his arm when he raises his hand to hit Sehun.

“Okay, kids, no fighting. Let’s go.”

“Wash the dishes, dimwit! Be useful for at least once in your life!” Chanyeol shouts over his shoulder while Baekhyun practically drags him out of the kitchen.

He was starting to get irritated at Sehun and he doesn’t know why. He blames it on being pregnant and not on what Baekhyun whispered.

Yeah, it was just the hormones. He wasn’t affected at all.

“I didn’t like what you said.”

Okay, maybe he was affected.

Baekhyun’s hand left his arm when they reached his car. “Huh? I’m sorry. Which one?”

He was taken aback by the reply. Did Baekhyun really apologize without even knowing what he did wrong first?

Sounds like his ideal man. His first love never really fails to keep Chanyeol’s heart all to himself, does he?

He guesses it shouldn’t be surprising. It was Byun Baekhyun, the guy who has managed to secure his place in Chanyeol’s heart without even having to do anything; the guy who has managed to win him over with just a smile.

Chanyeol has known ever since that he doesn’t deserve the man in front of him.

But he’s willing to try now.

“Nothing.”

He vows to himself that he will be deserving of Baekhyun.

“Let’s go?”

 

✨✨✨

 

 

Singing his heart out with his first love throughout the whole ride to the department store to buy things for the living thing inside his belly that is his child is something Chanyeol has never thought he would ever experience in his whole life—and the fact that his first love is the father of the unborn child adds to the difficulty to digest everything that is happening in front of his eyes.

Although he is slowly learning to accept the reality that he is now a person he once swore he’ll never be—a parent—that didn’t mean he has fully accepted his situation. Not that he had a choice in the first place, though, but the difference now is that Chanyeol is not trying to run away from it anymore.

In fact, he’s now more than willing to watch the consequences of a night’s mistake naturally fall into place.

It was as if it was meant to happen; Chanyeol is accepting it with open arms now.

Chanyeol expected the whole ride to be more awkward and less… fun. He had expected Baekhyun to press onto the topic further since it was the first time Chanyeol was vocal with his thoughts, but he was relieved that Baekhyun didn’t, though a little disappointing.

(He was expecting something from Baekhyun, but he isn’t quite sure what it was even when it felt like it was on the tip of his tongue.)

But what he wasn’t expecting was for Baekhyun to suddenly turn the stereo on to its fullest volume, roll the windows down, and sing—shout—on the top of his lungs.

“I see you driving ‘round town with the boy I love and I'm like, Chanyeollie is mine! ”

To say that he was shocked is an understatement. It was out of Baekhyun’s character to do such a thing—really, out of all the people he knows including himself, Sehun is the only one who’s more likely to do that.

Then Baekhyun’s right hand leaves the gear and pokes Chanyeol on his arm until the latter finds himself singing along with the man despite Baekhyun constantly butchering the lyrics.

Chanyeol thinks he wouldn’t mind doing that every time.

“We’re here!”

He sits up straight as Baekhyun turns the engine off and locks the steering wheel, attempting to unbuckle his seat belt. However, it was as if the world was trying to pull pranks on him as it seems to be stuck.

Chanyeol closes his eyes in embarrassment and mutters under his breath. “Really? What kind of cliché AU is this?”

It was just his luck that Baekhyun heard him. “Hey, need some help?”

“No, no, I—“ He was now forcefully pulling the seat belt from its buckle. “It’s nothing—“

Baekhyun holds the buckle, swiftly pressing his thumb down in a futile attempt but Chanyeol has done that so many times he’s confident it won’t work—

Chanyeol hears a click.

“Oh.” Baekhyun pulls on the metal end of the seat belt to keep it from rapidly retracting. “There you go.”

 “Aha,” Chanyeol chuckles awkwardly. “Thanks.”

Baekhyun lets the seatbelt go, yet it doesn’t retract into place.

“Wait a sec.”

Baekhyun leans in and Chanyeol suddenly stops breathing as his brain stops functioning. The other was too close to him; his nose is only an inch away from Baekhyun’s jaw, the latter’s perfume quickly invading his senses and so he unconsciously brings his hand to the side, clutching on whatever he touched first and holds his breath.

“Done.”

Baekhyun turns his head to meet Chanyeol’s eyes, his gaze lowers down to his parted lips when he notices how close their faces are. Clutching harder on the thing he’s holding (his mind was far too blank to know what it is), he squeezes his eyes shut.

It all happened too fast. Baekhyun absentmindedly lets go of the seat belt he’s pulling on, the sharp sound of it quickly snapping back into place surprises Chanyeol, causing him to pull on the thing in his grasp and the back of his seat reclines flat.

Ah, now he knows what he was digging his nails onto for the past few seconds.

Baekhyun decided to laugh first before helping him.

“You—pfft—“ Baekhyun offers his hand. He swats it away and sits back up on his own. “Are you okay?”

He pushes Baekhyun away from him and clears his throat. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Chanyeol still feels his heart beating wildly in his chest and it rings in his ears, his lips curve into a small smile as he now knows it wasn’t just because of embarrassment.

They say high school romance rarely works out; Chanyeol hasn’t given it much thought back then because he, loathing commitments and whatnot, wasn’t planning on pursuing Baekhyun. He was more than content having Baekhyun as his inspiration, sometimes his reason to smile when he feels down. What he had for Baekhyun was a happy crush and he wanted to keep it that way.

Or so he thought, because now that he’s experienced how it feels like to have Baekhyun’s attention only on him, he realizes how first loves never really die.

The effect Baekhyun has on him only grows stronger through the years and he likes the idea.

It was the knock on his window that snapped him out from his trance.

“Are you going to stay there forever?”

Seems like he hasn’t even noticed Baekhyun getting out of the car. It made Chanyeol wonder how much he has to learn about Baekhyun yet.

It was given that he knows the basic information about the smaller, especially since they go way back. He knows his hometown, the members of his family, the little things about him that can be seen through keen observation, but Chanyeol realizes that it was just that. He doesn’t know about Baekhyun’s first heartbreak—or whether he had one.

It makes him wonder if Baekhyun had his first love too. It wouldn’t be too much of a surprise for Chanyeol since Baekhyun is someone wanted by many.

As Chanyeol steps out of the car, Baekhyun takes his hand and loops it on his waiting arm.

“Hold tight, I don’t want to lose you.”

Baekhyun smiles at him, and all Chanyeol could ever think was that if Baekhyun’s first love never dies, then he’ll have to bury it alive.

 

 

✨✨✨

 

 

“Baek, please, we don’t need more bottles.”

Chanyeol heavily exhales through his nose and massages his temples. It hasn’t even been half an hour since they’ve entered the mall yet the cart is almost full as Baekhyun keeps on throwing useless stuff on it.

Okay, maybe they weren’t all useless. The first thing that was thrown—yes, thrown. Baekhyun looked like he was panic buying—inside the cart were baby clothes. Chanyeol wouldn’t deny that he had almost punched Baekhyun square in the face earlier whenever he grabs a ton of clothes with both of his hands.

‘The is that?’

‘Uh… a dress, skirt, pants, and a polo—‘

‘Baek, why don’t we settle with the gender neutral clothes first? You don’t know his gender yet.’

‘Exactly why we’re getting all these. And you don’t know her gender because you refuse to go on your check-ups!’

‘Baekhyun—it’s a ing newborn—all we’re gonna do during the first weeks is cover him with a ing blanket—‘

‘Those are called swaddles.’

‘…woosh. Right over your head.’

Byun Baekhyun as an almost father is a walking headache, and Chanyeol would’ve thrown a fit inside the mall if the former only didn’t notice his annoyance right away and hug him as they walk.

But now that he’s seeing Baekhyun currently walking towards the cart with another set of bottles at hand, Chanyeol feels like going into labor any minute now because the baby itself wants to kick its other father in the face.

“Baekhyun, oh my ing god, please—“

“What?” Baekhyun had the audacity to pout at him. “We only have six in the cart.” 

Chanyeol unconsciously made an inhumane sound in his throat. “What we have is six sets of bottles, and each is a set of five . In what world does a baby need thirty bottles, Baek?”

Baekhyun only shrugs at him and throws the set on the cart. “Make it thirty-five. Hehe.”

“No.” Chanyeol takes six boxes out of the cart and places them somewhere on the stand, leaving them with only one set of baby bottles. “That should be enough. Buy a sterilizer that holds five or more.”

“But—“

“Shut it, Byun.” Chanyeol deadpans as he slips a pack of gummy bears inside the cart. “Your baby is moving; he wants to kick you where it hurts the most.”

“Really?!”

There were hands on his stomach and an overly-excited person beside him in a speed of light. Chanyeol almost chuckles at the sight but the kicking inside his belly actually hurts.

“Where, where, where, whe—“

He takes Baekhyun’s right hand and places it on the lower right of his belly. “There.”

“Oh no—“ Baekhyun crouches down and replaces his hand with his lips instead, then he giggles, words muffled by Chanyeol’s stomach. “Mm no shems kickim mm limps.” Oh no she’s kicking my lips.

He almost lets out a smile, yet he senses the weird stares they’re receiving from people and so he pinches Baekhyun lightly on his arm. 

“People are staring.” Chanyeol whispers as he bashfully smiles at the old lady who’s looking at them with what seems like contempt. Ah, old people and their ual prejudice.  

“Let them be.” Baekhyun answers, rubbing his nose on Chanyeol’s stomach. “Aw, she’s not moving anymore.”

“The baby’s tired. Let him rest.”

Baekhyun smiles at the reply and he straightens up. “Which one?”

He rolls his eyes yet answers with a slight smile on his face.

“Me. I’m the baby. My feet are hurting.”

“Alright, then let’s pay now.” Baekhyun pushes the cart and the pregnant man follows. “We completed the checklist, right?”

“Yes,” Chanyeol’s heart clenches at the question but it was a different kind of pain. It was as if someone was tugging on his heartstrings yet it tickled. It was a pain he would like to keep feeling. “Even the unnecessary stuff.”

Baekhyun laughs loudly; Chanyeol wouldn’t mind hearing that for the rest of his life.

“Better be sorry than never or something.”

He raises a brow. “Pretty sure that’s not how the quote goes.”

“You’re right.”

Baekhyun pushes him to sit down on the bench near the counter and hands him his phone and wallet, leaving only his card in his hand. “Hold these for me.”

Chanyeol lets out the sigh of relief he doesn’t even know he’s holding.

He is Baekhyun’s wallpaper. He isn’t too late yet.

Just as he was about to look at Baekhyun who’s busy placing things on the counter, the phone in his hand buzzed with a new message.

1 New Message: Jongdae

It wasn’t his intention to read the message, but the phone suddenly unlocks when he presses the home button. He guesses Baekhyun has put his fingerprint on it when he was asleep. He smiles at the thought.

He likes it; the idea of Baekhyun not hiding anything from him, that is. They were almost like a married couple.

Almost, because as Chanyeol reads the message, he suddenly doesn’t know what to do.

good morning! i’m still sore from last night >w< wish you were here to take care of me but ik u have stuff to do this morning :( reply asap <3

Chanyeol feels as if he was struck by lightning; everything hurts yet he couldn’t move. He doesn’t know what to do except to laugh at how foolish he must’ve looked, but he doesn’t want to believe it was entirely his fault.

Baekhyun was giving him signals too—as always, ever since—and yet he’s seeing someone behind his back? Chanyeol wants to laugh at how stupid he must have been to think that Baekhyun was any different.

Really, Baekhyun almost kissed him earlier. Was it just on the spur of the moment, then? He should’ve known; Baekhyun was way out of his league in the first place.

But then he remembers the deal they made months ago.

“Fine, I’ll date other people. Only if you let me meet your father.”

Chanyeol wants to laugh. It was all his fault, isn’t it? This was his doing—the result of his cowardice and incompetency and his inability to be emotionally dependent for once in his life. 

Baekhyun was willing to help him, to reach out and welcome him with open arms, but just when he could finally take a step forward, Baekhyun started to take a step back.

“Aw man, these are heavy. We really bought a lot of stuff, no?” Baekhyun was suddenly in front of him, shoulders deliberately stooped to exaggerate the weight of the plastic bags in his hands. “Let’s go? Think you can walk now?”

He forced out a laugh as he met Baekhyun’s eyes. Love is a silly and tricky thing—nothing like the movies make them out to be.

“A contact named Jongdae texted, said he was still sore from last night and wishes you were there to take care of him.” Chanyeol replies, averting his gaze as he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from crying if he continued to look at Baekhyun. “So this is why you had to work overtime last night, huh?”

Baekhyun looks at him as if he’s grown two heads, Chanyeol doesn’t know what to feel seeing he’s been taken lightly while every inch of him is hurting. 

“What—“ Baekhyun had the audacity to laugh until he understood what was going on. “Oh. Wait, it is not what you’re thinking—“

“What am I thinking, Baek?” Chanyeol shakes his head, tears pooling in the corner of his eyes. “Why did I ever think that someone like you would actually want me?

“Chanyeol, let me talk—“

“I understand, really. You were always there for me—you’ve been nothing but good to me for the past months and I—I gave nothing back.” Chanyeol laughs. “I didn’t even make you feel good at the very least—“

“Chan—for ’s sake,” Baekhyun cuts him off. “I am not cheating on you. I am very conten—

“No, no, of course you’re not.” Chanyeol waves a hand, not letting him finish. “You’re a free man. You’re not in a relationship, it’s not cheating—“

“I am in love with you!” Baekhyun shouts, people start looking at them in shock and Chanyeol isn’t any better. It was the first time Baekhyun raised his voice at him.

But then, he doesn’t know which one to feel sad at: at the fact that Baekhyun raised his voice at him, or when he said he was in love with him when the message he—Baekhyun—received is very much real and existing?

“What part of it do you not understand, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun looks at him with—longing? Chanyeol doesn’t know, he doesn’t know anything anymore. “I’ve been nothing but in love with you.”

Baekhyun’s phone buzzes again in his hand, Chanyeol opts out of the argument and opens the message instead.

  2 New Messages: Jongdae

aw i hate you byun!! i was wondering why kyungsoo wasn’t replying to me, noticed just now that i accidentally sent it to u. u man i was so nervous

btw u should buy diapers for chanyeol too, he’d be needing it after he gives birth. and get laid while he still can move byunbaek, go get that luv xx

Chanyeol almost loses his grip on the phone in his hand.

Oh.

Baekhyun seems to have read the messages too as Chanyeol hears him sigh.

“Is this the part when you tell me you’re sorry and kiss the out of me?”

“But…” A tear left Chanyeol’s right eye. “The deal we made…”

Baekhyun nods dismissively. “Yeah, no, it was just to make you say yes. I wasn’t planning on keeping my part of the deal.”

“What?!”

Baekhyun chuckles and kisses him on his head. “Your eyes tell me I made the right choice.”

He did. Chanyeol couldn’t be any thankful that he did.

“You did. I’m sorry.”

“Forgiven. But can you…”

Ah, right. The kiss after the apology. Chanyeol asks just to be sure. “Can I what?”

He was ready to stand up and lean in, but Baekhyun really had to ruin it as he says:

“Can you walk now? I wasn’t kidding when I said these are heavy! I want to go home now.”

He stands on his feet and inches nearer towards Baekhyun. Chanyeol puts his arms around the latter’s neck.

“There, you’re home now.”

Baekhyun laughs at him and attempts to bury his face on his chest but Chanyeol’s stomach doesn’t allow him to. He realizes that their height difference was really cute.

“As much as I want to stay like this, my arms are going to fall off.” Baekhyun kisses his clothed shoulder before taking a step back. “Can I claim the cuddle coupon at home instead?”

Chanyeol smiles at him. “Of course, exclusively for the boyfriend.”

Baekhyun lets out the brightest smile he has ever seen and for once in his life, Chanyeol finally feels that he made the right decision.

“Can’t wait to be promoted to fiancé soon.”

“Maybe we’ll get there,” Chanyeol starts walking out of the store and Baekhyun follows immediately. “But before that…”

“Yes, my love?” 

“I need to pee.”

 

✨✨✨

 

 

Being pregnant was never easy; being pregnant without ever intending to be makes it harder for Chanyeol, but being pregnant and nearing labor seems to be the hardest challenge he’ll ever face in his life.

“Oh, God, I need to pee.”

Then Baekhyun came—ah, no, Baekhyun has always been there, patiently waiting for him to hold his hand despite the constant rejection from Chanyeol.

It has been over a month since the grocery incident, and Chanyeol would be lying if he says he isn’t starting to regret his previous take on being committed because dating Baekhyun is nothing like the storm his once loving family has been reduced into; dating Baekhyun was like a breath of fresh air Chanyeol didn’t know he needed.

His life didn’t have the dramatic ups and downs, it was almost like he was just there—not daring to say that he was living, but rather, he was just simply… existing. Chanyeol doesn’t remember feeling like there was something missing in him, too. He didn’t feel complete back then, but he also didn’t feel the need to complete himself. He was content like that.

But Baekhyun… It was like his surname was the missing piece in his life Chanyeol didn’t know he needed to fulfill. He wasn’t good with words to show how the newly-built relationship meant to him, but it felt exactly like that.

Baekhyun was always there; to soothe his cramps, massage his feet, satisfy his cravings, to make sure that he’s on shape, to take his doubts and fears away every time the voices in his head grow louder, and most importantly: to hold his hand during check-ups like today.

“Later, Yeol.” Baekhyun squeezes his hand as he stands on the right side of the bed where Chanyeol is lying down. “You just peed.”

“Nooo,” He removes his hand from Baekhyun’s grasp and clutches on his arm instead. “Don’t you also need to pee? You told me three hours ago.”

“Don’t mind me, your boyfriend has a bladder of steel.”

Chanyeol sends him a pointed look. “Yeah, well, your boyfriend has, like, a bladder of aluminum. And maybe I’m peeing for two!”

Baekhyun laughs at him and runs his hand through Chanyeol’s hair.

“ it up, buttercup.”

Before Chanyeol could answer back, someone came into the room.

“What do we have here?” The newcomer asks with a hint of sarcasm. “If it isn’t one of my hardheaded patients!”

“Hello to you too, Yixing.” Baekhyun greets back, Chanyeol can only smile because the missed appointments were definitely his fault.

“How’s it going, Dr. Zhang?” Chanyeol asks in an attempt to be polite, yet the doctor must have noticed the disinterest in his eyes.

“I told you, you can just call me Yixing. Baekhyun’s unfortunately my friend after all.” Yixing laughs. “Which part of the missed appointments do you want us to start with?”

Chanyeol was sure it was a joke, but he still answers. “The ultrasound! I want to know now if I’m carrying a boy or an abortion.”

Baekhyun pinches him in his thigh. “What the actual is wrong with you.”

“Okay, kids,” the doctor butts in. “No fighting in my clinic. Let’s start?”

Chanyeol was busy having a staring contest with Baekhyun to hear what the doctor just said. It was cute; Baekhyun’s eyes turning into tinier slits as if his eyes weren’t small enough to begin with.

Apparently, he failed to notice that his shirt was being lifted too.

“Oh that was cold.” Chanyeol flinches on the bed when he suddenly feels a cold gel being poured onto his stomach. “I just peed a little.”

Yixing sends Baekhyun a scandalous look and so the latter speaks. “He’s wearing adult diapers, don’t worry!”

“You know what, Chanyeol, I’m really worried.” Yixing says as he moves the apparatus over Chanyeol’s stomach.

“Why?” Chanyeol squints at the monitor to see what the doctor is talking about. “Is there something wrong with my baby? Is it perhaps… a girl?”

Baekhyun quickly flicks him on his forehead and Chanyeol raises his hands in defeat. “Kidding!”

“No,” The doctor answers. “You just look like you might go into labor any minute now.”

“What?!”

“But hey, there’s your baby.”

Chanyeol stills for a second as he stares at the black and white screen, then he gasps.

“.”

Baekhyun smiles down at him and wipes the tears he didn’t notice had fallen out of his eyes. “Hey, what’s wrong? Don’t cry, there’s our baby!”

“Baek.” He looks up at Baekhyun with his still teary eyes. “I can’t see . What the am I supposed to be looking at?”

The doctor laughed at his patient’s comment and pointed something at the monitor.

“If it makes you feel any better,” Yixing also pointed at the monitor with his chin as if his finger wasn’t enough to emphasize the thing he’s pointing at. “That’s his .”

“Oh.” Chanyeol blinked for a while, then he started laughing. “Look Baek, what a poor excuse of a .”

Baekhyun slaps him hard on his arm this time. “Again, what the actual is wrong with you.”

“That—“ He was still wheezing despite the sting in his arm. It took him a whole minute to calm down that he didn’t notice Baekhyun’s paling face while gaping at him in shock. “That was funny. I think I just peed a little—hey, what’s wrong?”

Baekhyun lifted a shaky finger and pointed at the very wet floor.

“T-that doesn’t look like you peed a little.”

The next thing he knew, Yixing was shouting for assistance and Baekhyun carrying him in his arms.

Chanyeol could only scream in pain as he was quickly being carried outside.

Yeah, that doesn’t look little. Nor does it look like pee.

“.”

✨✨✨

 

 

Baekhyun has always liked the idea of becoming a father.

He was fond of kids since he was young, always offering to look after his niece and nephew whenever his brother had to go to work and joining orgs that hosted charity works at foster homes back then in college. He was especially fond of newborns. Baekhyun thinks of them as a work of magic, automatically making your heart feel warm at the sight of them and makes it leap in joy at rare occasions of them clutching on your finger in their sleep.

Baekhyun always wanted a family of his own.

It didn’t matter whether or not he’d end up with a special someone in the future as long as he had children. He had this thought when his college friend asked him about marriage years ago. After graduation, some of his friends started trying down the knot, while others have found their partners and Baekhyun…

He has yet to find his person.

The only thing he answers to his friends whenever they of being aromantic, aside from saying that there’s nothing wrong with it even if he isn’t one, is “ at least at the end of the day, I’ll graduate with the highest latin distinction because I have no distractions.”

Then he’d get himself a reply, “Will your title keep you warm at night?”

Then he would have to back down, because really, it wasn’t like it was Baekhyun’s intention to stay single for so long. It’s not like he’s unattractive; to prove his point, he received love letters every day since middle school, some even crossing the line by stalking him. 

However, no one has ever managed to win his heart even after all these years.

Not until Chanyeol.

He knew Chanyeol back in high school—of course he does, he was his classmate, but he wasn’t friends with him. Well, the taller wasn’t exactly friendly to begin with. He wasn’t even approachable as far as Baekhyun can remember. It seemed like the only friend he had back then was that kid who looked like he’s years younger than Chanyeol, and yes it was Sehun

Baekhyun wouldn’t lie and say that Chanyeol has caught his attention before because the latter didn’t, but to be fair, Chanyeol seemed to be the type who doesn’t like getting attention anyway.

And so now that he’s here, walking in tiny circles outside the operating room, having a baby—no, having an actual family with Chanyeol, it all feels surreal to Baekhyun.

What a surprising turn of events it was, but Baekhyun isn’t complaining one bit. But really, who would’ve thought?

Baekhyun had somehow imagined his love life starting with a spark. You know, the thing you read in novels after locking eyes with “the one” then you’d try so hard to get them out of your mind only to find out years later that you’ll actually end up with them.

Seems like he has read too many novels. He was an editor, after all.

It doesn’t matter now—not that it did in the first place, it was just a teenage fantasy. He’s going to be a father now.

(Next time, he’s going to be a husband.)

“Please, for the love of whoever is up there, SIT THE DOWN.”

Baekhyun stops pacing back and forth when he heard Sehun shout, confused at the sudden outburst and was about to ask when the younger man speaks again.

“You too, Uncle Park, please stop walking back and forth. Are you guys having a competition?” Sehun massages his temple, trying to remember the fact that he was the youngest of them three. “So who had the most laps, huh?”

“I did.” Baekhyun proudly points to himself, completely missing the sarcasm in his tone. “I won by an inch.”

Chanyeol’s father sends Baekhyun a challenging gaze and takes a step forward. “Not too long, kid.”

Sehun slaps his forehead, turns around and bangs his head on the wall in front of him. “Dear lord…”

“Park Chanyeol’s guar—um, excuse me…?”

The three immediately stopped what they were doing and turned their heads to the newcomer. It was a nurse.

“Hello.” It was Chanyeol’s father who answered, Sehun nearly cried at that. What the hell was that?

“Um, hello to you too, sir…” The nurse replies with a forced smile, obviously surprised at the unusual reply. “The patient is now awake. You may come inside the room now.”

As they entered the room, Baekhyun almost slipped trying to run towards Chanyeol’s bed.

He hears Sehun laughing at him and it feels like his ankle got twisted, but the sight was worth it. Chanyeol looked so beautiful looking at him right now.

“Baekhyunnie.” Chanyeol says in a sweet tone, seemingly in a haze. “I’m water hungry.”

Baekhyun blinks at him. He’s what?

“You mean thirsty?”

Chanyeol smiles at him again, this time with eyes closed. “Yeah, water hungry.”

He lifts his head to ask the nurse what was happening but the nurse wasn’t in the room anymore.

Sehun seems to have noticed. “The nurse will come back. Maybe. I think he’s getting the baby or something.”

As if on cue, the nurse enters the room again.

“Time to feed the baby!”

Sehun and Chanyeol’s father walks out of the room as the nurse hands the baby to Chanyeol.

“Can he do it?” Baekhyun asks. “He acts like he’s smoked a pot.”

The nurse laughs at the question. “Oh, don’t worry. It’s just the after-effects of anesthesia.”

“Oh my god.”

Baekhyun immediately looks at Chanyeol. “What’s wrong?”

He almost panics when tears start streaming down Chanyeol’s face, but the latter looks at him with the brightest smile Baekhyun never saw before. “Look.”

Baekhyun feels his world stop turning when he does.

It was the most beautiful thing he has ever seen in his entire life.

The baby was feeding on Chanyeol’s left , definitely not a scene that you’d want to show the entire world but oh how Baekhyun wanted to do just that. The scene in front of him was so beautiful he’d gladly trade a year of his life just to stare at them a minute longer. Baekhyun feels like crying.

“Wha…Chan—“

It was all dawning upon him. Slowly, then all at once.

He’s watching one of his dreams he thought was nearly impossible unfold right in front of his eyes.

There they are; his new home—his own home built from arms and heartbeats.

“Hehe. He looks like a drenched cotton.”

Baekhyun couldn’t stop his tears when he heard Chanyeol speak. “You’re amazing, but what the is wrong with you really.”

Chanyeol looked ethereal; even in his post-pregnancy state and anesthesia-induced haze, he still manages to steal Baekhyun’s breath with those twitchy eyes and lopsided grin of his.

It was a sight Baekhyun wouldn’t mind waking up to in every day of his life.

“What would you name the child?”

Baekhyun momentarily forgets that the nurse was still there, still overwhelmed by the sight in front of him. He quickly wipes his tears with the back of his hand then he feels another hand clutching at the end of his shirt.

“Can we use my surname? I think it’d sound better.”

“Of course.” Baekhyun brushes away the strands of hair plastered on Chanyeol’s sweaty forehead. “You could also think of his name too. You deserve that much.”

“Really? That’s great!” Chanyeol turns to look at the nurse who’s holding what seems like a form in her hand. “We’re naming him Linkin.”

Baekhyun almost breaks his neck at how fast he turned his head, giving Chanyeol an incredulous look.

“No, you did not just say that.”

“I did.” Chanyeol stares back at him with a serious expression. “We’re naming him Linkin or I’m breaking up with you.”

“Uh, fill up the form when you’re ready.” The nurse hands Baekhyun the paper and leaves the room with a forced smile. They never made her feel comfortable, did they?

Placing the form on the side table and deciding to just think of it later, Baekhyun inches closer to Chanyeol and kisses him on the top of his head.

“Thank you.”

“For what?” Chanyeol answers with a smile, now laying the newborn on his chest for the skin-to-skin contact. “I didn’t do anything.”

He chuckles at the reply. Baekhyun has no one to pray to, and yet he finds himself praying at this moment to express his gratitude for having the two.

“You did so much.”

Baekhyun swears to protect that smile, and the owner of the hand that’s clutching on his finger, with his entire being.

“So, so much.”

Finally, he’s home.

 

✨✨✨

 

 

“...and then, you told Sehun that he looks like Phineas and Ferb’s forbidden son after calling him a minecraft character. You were on fire.”

They were now lying on Chanyeol’s bed. It has only been a few days since Chanyeol got discharged and insisted on staying in his apartment for a while before moving into Baekhyun house, at least until he can properly walk without feeling like his wound could kill him. Thankfully, Baekhyun agrees and tells him that he can take his time.

It all feels like a dream to Chanyeol.

This is not how he imagined his future would be, which is a given since he’d never thought he would be in a relationship before, much more having a family of his own. It was something he never wanted, but now that he’s lying in bed with Baekhyun and their child, Chanyeol thinks it was something he needed after all.

Home. He needed a home. He needed something he could go home to at the end of the day.

His stubborn self finally realized that he wasn’t content being just the way he was before—it was a lie he made himself believe to stop from wanting more. Chanyeol now thinks it’s complete bull when he said he wasn’t looking for something to complete him because he was satisfied with the peace being alone brings.

No, he was so, so wrong because now that he has the thing he’s always denied himself from having, Chanyeol’s only thought is that he’s willing to give everything up just to not lose them—his family.

Chanyeol didn’t want much in life. He was a simple man; he’s happy as long as he’s financially stable and not sleeping on the streets.

He still doesn’t want much until now. Only that, and the two persons in front of him now.

“…then the nurse—hey Chanyeol, are you still listening?”

Chanyeol never really understood the true meaning of happiness. He’s happy when he eats his favorite food, when he watches his favorite movie, when he plops his face down on the bed after a long day, when he gets money.

It never crossed his mind that there was more to it—that there was a different kind of happiness that will satiate even your soul and you wouldn’t have to find fragments of it in the little things because it will stay there with you; even if the feeling sometimes fades at the back of your mind as you get used to it, it stays engraved on your heart—the warmth you felt and the tears you shed when smiles couldn’t begin to cover it anymore.

He wanted to give it too; happiness, that is. He wants to make them happy too.

“Yeol?”

Chanyeol swears to always put a smile in their faces—to not let the judging society take it away from them. He swears to give them a reason to be happy every waking day.

“Baek.” Chanyeol reaches for the baby’s right hand as the other is being held by Baekhyun. The baby is placed between them, Chanyeol’s heart clenches with warmth at the sight.

“Hmm?”

“Do you think we’ll do good as parents?”

Baekhyun’s hand leaves the baby’s and puts it on top of Chanyeol’s hand, making it look like he’s holding them both at the same time.

“Maybe there will be days that we are, and days that we’re not. I mean, what basis do we have to know what good parent-child relationships are?”

Chanyeol averts his gaze as he remembers Baekhyun’s story. It was funny how they both came from dysfunctional households yet here they are, trying to make their own family work with little to no knowledge of how it should work.

“We might have come from broken places,” Baekhyun speaks again, reaching Chanyeol’s chin to make the latter face him.

Yes, yes they did. They came from homes whose foundations were loud anger and explosive rage. The lullabies they hear at night are slamming doors and breaking glass. The only proof they have of their parents’ being home with them are the holes punched on the wall and blood on the sink.

“But I promise you Chanyeol, we will heal. Together. And we will build a family that only has space for growing—we will raise a family that doesn’t need to heal.”

And Chanyeol trusts Baekhyun to give him just that—a home so gentle that it will be warm.

Finally, he’s happy.

“We will never let Linkin go through the things we had to endure as a son. I promise you that.”

Chanyeol stops at the first part of Baekhyun’s statement. “Wait. What—what did you say his name was?”

Baekhyun pinches Chanyeol’s nose with a laugh.

“Linkin. Linkin Park. You insisted on it, don’t you remember?”

“What?!”

 

*

i have received a dm regarding the story coming off as an anti-abortion. i've never thought it will sound that way as i personally have no problem with the subject. however, if it did and it offended you, then i sincerely apologize.

but to share my side, the characters did not disagree with having an abortion because they were against the practice. rather, it was only because they wanted to keep the child. in my pov, i see it as cy being defensive bc of his mindset and all and bh being just an expecting father.

nevertheless, this statement does not intend to invalidate those who disagree with the idea of abortion, but to address the misunderstandings with the fic with the author's opinion itself and to apologize to those who were possibly offended. weare all entitled to have our own moral beliefs after all and i respect that as long as it does not cause harm to other people.

thank you sm to those who took their time to read the fic, especially to those who left their love for baby park linkin in the comments! stay safe! <3