It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

It was, but then it wasn’t.

At least, it wasn’t supposed to be this lonely. Not right here, not right now. In front of the large glass windows, hundreds of feet in the air, overlooking the lights that scattered through the city. There was supposed to be someone by his side, someone holding his hand, but alas, there was only himself.

He’d brushed off the loneliness for the longest time, he’d brushed off the harsh words that were directed at him for so long, he was numb to it all. But it didn’t stop him in this very moment from yearning for a different reality.

Because right now, as he stared out at the glistening lights that twinkled almost like earthbound stars, he wished that the smaller fingers were intertwined with his.

Glancing over at the empty space beside himself, he could almost envision that smiling face looking up at him. But that smile faded away, those beautiful dark eyes faded away, everything always faded away with the absence.

Turning back to the scenery below him, he pulled out his phone, sending out a small text. He had no hope of even getting a reply, but there was a celebration to be had right now. The party downstairs that had music radiating throughout the top floor was proof of that.

Now he had to put on a poker face and mingle with everyone that wasn’t the one he wanted.

Message Received

“Happy New Year”

From: My Galaxy

He had to take a moment to fully comprehend who just texted him, and for a moment, he wondered if it was just his sleepy mind playing tricks on him, but the proof was right there. Plain as day, on his screen. A text message from Kris. His Kris.

It had been a quiet year between the two, the last thing that he’d received from Kris was a small birthday text last year. He didn’t receive one this year, nor any other messages. But he knew that Kris had a busy schedule, as he did too, and with him enlisting, he knew that Kris probably worried about catching him at a bad time. Or probably didn’t even know if he had access to his phone during his basic training.

But there the message was, an hour after the new year had arrived. The time difference being the main reason for that, he knew.

Did he want to reply back to that message? Did he want to call Kris? He had work tomorrow… or today, since it was after midnight now.

He stared at the screen for the longest time until his phone screen dimmed and then turned black again, shrouding him back in the darkness of his room where he had been attempting to go to sleep. He wasn’t under SM’s watchful eye right now, he wasn’t under his manager’s eye, so whatever he did right now, wouldn’t be scolded nor would it be reported back to anyone.

The only people that would know of this message or phone call was himself and Kris.

Taking a deep breath, he went back to the message and selected the contact, and waited for the ringing to start. One ring, two rings, three rings, and finally four rings, and then he heard the automated voice stating that he leave a message after the tone for the phone number. Disappointment settled in the pit of his stomach, but he tried to keep it from sounding in his voice after hearing the tone.

“Kris, I, uh, just got your message, and wanted to wish you a Happy New Year too. Um, I’ve already been in the new year for an hour now, and it’s not so bad so far,” he laughed softly at the corniness in that statement, then cleared his throat, “I hope twenty twenty-one treats you well, please take care of yourself,” he paused, wondering if he should end on that note or… should he add on with what he wanted to? He opened his mouth, then closed it, opened it, and then finally closed it, ending the call.

He wanted to say ‘I love you’ but couldn’t get the words to leave his lips. Their relationship was still one of the most complicated things in Junmyeon’s life, and then not complicated at all, but confusing.

It was almost an unspoken relationship that remained after Kris left the group. Junmyeon was devastated by his absence, trying to put on a brave face for the others in the group, even if he felt like falling apart. There had been multiple times where he had cried quietly to himself in the bathroom, in the shower, into his pillow the few weeks, months, after Kris left.

The company had been the driving force behind a lot of the decisions that came afterwards, the company had also been one of the main reasons why Junmyeon couldn’t reach out to Kris for an explanation for the longest time. All he had to rely on was media outlets that covered the story, and then the translations from Chinese media outlets, even if he didn’t know how accurate they were. Or even if they were telling the truth of the matter.

He knew Kris was unhappy, he knew the way the company was treating Kris, he could see it was wearing on Kris. And while he wanted the man to put on a brave face and endure the journey with them, he couldn’t blame Kris for leaving and getting the help he needed and freedom that he wanted.

After Kris left, Junmyeon kept an eye on the rise of power that became Kris. From the movie offers, the new music, the fashion lines, everyone seemed to want to get their hands on Kris, and while Junmyeon was a bit envious, he was proud at the same time.

It wasn’t until two years later after Kris left that he received a text from an unknown number and that’s what started their re-connection. Junmyeon cried after he got off the phone with Kris, feeling rather proud of himself that he was able to keep from breaking down while the man was on the phone with him. What had Junmyeon crying the most after the phone call was the three words that he didn’t think he would hear from Kris.

I love you.

His phone lighting up and vibrating had the trip down memory lane coming to a quick halt. His eyes widened when he saw the name, heart skipping a beat, and quickly answered.

“Hello? Kris?”

“Hey,” and there was that smooth, deep voice filling Junmyeon’s ear. A familiar warmth that just swept across him. “I got your voicemail, I hope I didn’t get it too late, are you okay to talk?”

“I am,” Junmyeon cleared his throat, sitting up in his bed, “I was trying to go to sleep when I got your message, but still haven’t been successful in falling asleep.”

Over the phone, he could hear the thrumming of a bass from music, and he wondered where exactly Kris was right now. Probably at a party to welcome in the New Year.

“Ah, I won’t keep you long then, I don’t want you to be sleepy when you go into work,” Kris breathed a small laugh. “I just wanted to wish you a happy new year…” he trailed off, but Junmyeon knew he wasn’t finished with what he wanted to say. There was a hesitance in his voice that Junmyeon knew. “I miss you.” There it was, the reason for the hesitance. “God, I miss you. All of you, the whole group.”

Junmyeon tried to keep his eyes from watering up at those words, he could already hear the sadness in Kris’s voice, and he wondered vaguely if the man had been drinking. If he were at a party, it was obvious that he would’ve, or should’ve, or could’ve been well on his way to getting a drink.

He wanted to lighten the mood, make a small joke about Kris being drunk, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so. He couldn’t bring himself to do anything other than utter those words back to the man. “I miss you too.”

“You should be here, Junmyeon, I’m in one of the highest hotels in Beijing and the view… it’s beautiful, and you should be here. You should be sharing this with me,” Kris’s voice was sounding more and more sorrowful as he continued on, and it was just making Junmyeon’s eyes fill with tears more and more. Then finally, there was a small hiccup, and then the question that had Junmyeon burying his face in his hand, “Why aren’t you here with me?”

He heard the crack in Kris’s voice, and he could hear the faint sound of sniffling, and that just made Junmyeon’s bottom lip tremble. It was obvious that Kris was drunk or well on the way to getting drunk, and a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. It also confirmed that it is lonely at the top.

Junmyeon had been lucky, he had the members to keep him from being lonely to the top where they had made it. Kris had made amends with Zitao and had been in contact with Luhan, so he wasn’t completely alone. But if Kris was like Junmyeon, even if they had others around them… there was still nothing like wishing that one another was there.

“Kris?” Junmyeon called, swallowing down his tears. When he heard the small sound of acknowledgement, he continued, “Go back to that view.”

“Wha…?”

“The view you told me about earlier, the beautiful view from the highest hotel in Beijing, go back to those windows,” Junmyeon instructed, and then waited. He heard movements, footsteps, the music in the background was growing faint.

There was a shuddering breath and then Kris’s voice came back across the phone, “Okay, I’m back in front of the windows. It’s breathtaking, Junmyeon.”

He could imagine what Kris must’ve been seeing, all the tall buildings he’d been in throughout the years and the sight of what was below, all those images ran through his mind. All of those images were breathtaking.

Junmyeon reached over to his bedside table and flipped on the light, he hoped he didn’t look too bad right now. His eyes shouldn’t have been too puffy, he wiped at them to rid himself of the tears, he should be… presentable. Kris had already seen him in the early mornings and in the late nights when they were dragging from how tired they were.

“Okay, I’m going to go to the video screen,” Junmyeon told him, and when he switched over to the videochat, he could finally see Kris, in all his beauty and red and wet eyes. Something that had Junmyeon swallowed hard at the sight of those teary eyes. “Show me the sight?”

The view of Kris changed to the large, clear windows of the hotel that he’d been told about, and now he was seeing the sight that Kris said he saw. Breathtaking was a bit of an understatement. It was beautiful, the lights, the night sky above, everything was so beautiful. The camera on the phone probably didn’t do the scenery much justice, but it was still beautiful, regardless.

“Now see? I’m right here, beside you, looking at the same view as you are,” Junmyeon murmured, smiling softly, even though he knew that it still wasn’t the same. And he wasn’t even sure when he could promise any kind of physical interaction at all.

They still hadn’t seen one another in five years, not physically, and even though he’d love to see that beautiful face again with his own two eyes, there wasn’t anything in their near future where it was possible. This was all he could give Kris in this instance. Video chatting was as close as he could get for now.

Kris’s sniffling drew him from his thoughts, and then the camera of the phone was shifting, moving from the scenery back to Kris’s reddened eyes. The hints of a small smile fading as his gaze met Junmyeon’s.

“I miss you, Junmyeon,” Kris stated, the tears welling up in those reddened eyes, and Junmyeon wanted to reach through the phone, to cup the side of his face, wipe away those unshed tears.

Junmyeon nodded, teeth catching his bottom lip as it started to tremble again, “I miss you too, Kris. I’ve two years of service… I can take save up my vacation time… and we can meet up somewhere… can’t we?”

Was that too hopeful? Could a small request be too much to ask for? From the universe above?

“I want to,” Kris admitted. “I want to so badly, Junmyeon.”

Junmyeon smiled, “No promises though… we never know the future, but I’ll try my hardest. We’ll come up with something.”

The words did little to keep the tears at bay in Kris’s eyes, but they did bring a small smile back to his lips. Something that Junmyeon knew he would dream about tonight, and for nights after. He would try to make sure that the day came to where they could see one another again, but like he said, no one knows of what the future holds.

“Happy New Year, Kris, fix yourself up and enjoy your party,” Junmyeon’s smile dimmed slightly. “I love you, Kris.”

Kris rubbed at his eyes with his other hand, clearing his throat, “Happy New Year, Jun. I’ll let you go to sleep now, I love you too.”

The video went black and the call disconnected. He glanced at the clock on his bedside table, and stared at the time for a moment. Sighing softly, he hooked his phone back up to the charger and lied back down, pulling the blanket back up on him. He stared at the ceiling for the longest time before finally closing his eyes and falling off to sleep. The quiet hope from the conversation led him down memory lane in his dreams, memories of himself and Kris. Of all the members back together.

Kris pocketed his phone after the call ended, wiping his eyes again, and sniffling softly. He turned back to the large windows in front of him, eyes focusing on the faint view of the stars above them. The pollution from the lights below hindered his full sight of the stars, but they were still up there, glistening away. The small comfort that he was standing under the same sky as Junmyeon caused a small smile to linger on his lips.

Glancing over to his side again, it was still an empty space, but one day… one day, hopefully it wouldn’t be anymore.

The faint sound of the music had him trying to straighten himself up, he had a party to attend. He had a new year to welcome in, holding onto the small slivers of hope that Junmyeon had spoken to him. For now, he had an empire to keep building.