Donghae tries not to think too hard about Siwon’s statement, but with the seed planted in his mind, he’s hard-pressed to forget.

Nevertheless, he’s caught up in the whirlwind of his midterms, so it’s a pleasant distraction. He’s taken to hunkering down in his room for intense review more often than not, so the only human contact he has with anyone is Siwon for the week. With his first few midterms over and likely gone well, he then has to shift his focus to the group assignment he had been neglecting (and sitting in the back of his head, reminding him that he’s falling behind every few hours).

It takes him one all-nighter, but he manages to finish everything he needs with two days to spare for Hyukjae and Siwon to read over and comment on his thoughts.

When the Saturday of their meeting rolls around, Donghae trails behind Siwon as they make their way to the library to meet up with Hyukjae.

As normal, Hyukjae is already sitting at their customary spot when they arrive. 

“Hey,” Hyukjae greets when they arrive, shifting the papers out of the way so Siwon and Donghae have time to sit. 

“Are your midterms finished?” Siwon asks as they sit down, Siwon next to Hyukjae and Donghae across from both of them. Donghae nods, but Hyukjae groans.

“I still have one more on Monday and it’s driving me crazy,” he says.

“Which course?”

“Immunology,” Hyukjae says. Siwon and Donghae grimace in unison.

“Sounds fun,” Siwon says.

“It was supposed to be an elective, it was just out of interest and yet here I am suffering,” he bemoans. “I hate that it’s too late to drop this course, I’ve made a huge mistake.” Donghae sympathizes, but he’s done until November, so he’s okay for now. 

Two more days.

Hyukjae offers Donghae a soft smile.

“Yeah,” he says. “Two more long days. But enough about me, I was just putting another paper I found online, sorry it’s a bit late.”

Donghae opens his laptop to access the article and begins to read, tuning out the discussion Siwon and Hyukjae have started.

Their meeting goes smooth as normal; with three of the six papers properly outlined, they’re on a good timeline to get everything done well for the end of the semester. 

They’re just about finished, and Siwon has excused himself to go to the bathroom when Hyukjae turns to him. Donghae frowns, watching as Hyukjae fidgets in his seat, his eyes darting from Donghae to behind him to the table.

“Donghae,” he starts and then stops again. “I think you’re super cool and I was just wondering… I was wondering if you’d like to go out with me?”

Donghae freezes, suddenly feeling as though someone had dumped a bucket of cold water onto him.

Siwon was right, then. This isn’t surprising, considering that Siwon is often right, but he had hoped, perhaps futilely that just this once, Siwon had misread the situation.

He’s not ready for this. He’s not ready for a relationship, no matter how much he likes Hyukjae.

His lack of any kind of response extends for several seconds before Hyukjae’s face falls. His disappointment makes Donghae distinctly uncomfortable, he doesn’t want to let Hyukjae down, he doesn’t want to make him sad, because Donghae does like Hyukjae, but he just can’t—

“I mean if you want to say no—”

Donghae quickly types up a message.

 Let me think about it?

Hyukjae’s face brightens so quickly at that statement and Donghae feels a strange pang in his chest, something that’s almost painful, at the sight of him. 

“Okay, take your time,” he says. “I have another meeting to get to, so talk to you later!”

He goes before Siwon finishes in the bathroom, so his friend emerges from the bathroom to see Donghae sitting at the library table, staring at the grains of the wood, looking a little shell shocked.

“What happened?” 

Donghae blinks up at Siwon.

“You were right,” he signs. 

“Well, yeah, I’m always right, but you need to clarify what exactly it is I’m right about,” Siwon says.

Donghae looks back at the table.

“I was right about Hyukjae, wasn’t I?” Siwon says after Donghae doesn’t say anything.

“He just asked me out,” Donghae signs. Siwon raises an eyebrow.

“What did you say?”

“I told him I’d think about it,” Donghae says. Siwon remains standing, gnawing at his lip as he frowns down at Donghae.

“You like him too,” he says. “Then why didn’t you just say yes?”

“I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t?” Siwon asks. Donghae shakes his head. 

“I just can’t, okay?” He stoops down, grabbing his backpack. He slings it over his shoulder and brushes past Siwon before the conversation can continue.

⸺

“Hyukjae asked me out yesterday,” Donghae says, fiddling with the velvety upholstery of Leeteuk's patient-dedicated chair as he speaks.

“And?”

“I told him I’d think about it,” Donghae says.

“Have you thought about it then?” Leeteuk prompts. Donghae swallows. He had, actually, thought about it a lot. All night last night, it was the only thing going through his head. Why would Hyukjae ask him out? What kind of ploy was this? Why couldn’t he have just said no? 

“Yeah,” is all Donghae says instead of the multitude of questions that flow constantly through his mind.

“And what conclusion did you come up with?”

“I…” Donghae starts and then trails off again. “I like him.” It wasn’t really a satisfying conclusion, more a dangerous one. He doesn’t really know Hyukjae. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen if he agrees to a date. Agreeing to date is opening up in a way that Donghae could not be less comfortable with if he tried. 

“What harm will it do, if you do say yes to a date?”

“A lot.”

“Okay,” Leeteuk says. He writes something down in his notebook before putting the pen down and shifting so that he’s leaning closer to Donghae. “How about we do an exercise. I want you to list everything that you think might go wrong if you agree to a date with Hyukjae. And then after an item, I want you to list the opposite, what could go right for that wrong.”

Donghae frowns.

“He...  he could find out how damaged I am,” Donghae says quickly and looks away but not before he sees Leeteuk’s disapproving frown.

“Okay,” Leeteuk says. “And what is a positive?”

“He could be like Siwon,” Donghae says. Leeteuk nods.

“And another negative?”

“He could leave,” Donghae says. Leeteuk gestures for him to continue. “But he could stay.”

“Yes, that’s good, what else?”

“I wouldn’t be able to… be intimate with him. But he could be okay with that.”

“Okay, one more,” Leeteuk says.

“I’m scared if this fails, it’s just proof that I’ll never be able to be in a proper relationship again,” Donghae says. He’s shocked he even managed to say it, but Leeteuk looks proud. He picks up his notebook, notes something down, and then puts it away again, meeting Donghae’s eyes.

“That’s fair,” he says. “Given how your trauma has affected you. But here’s what I think. A lot of your fears are completely normal. They’re normal for everyone who wants to start a relationship with someone. At the end of the day, getting into a relationship is a leap of faith. You have to put a level of trust in that person that they won’t hurt you, they won’t leave you, but sometimes it doesn’t work out. And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel the hurt, understand it and move on.”

Donghae lets out a shaky breath, the familiar feeling of tears prickling at his eyes. He wipes them away quickly before they can fall.

“I understand the trust for you is harder to give,” Leeteuk continues. “And the thought of someone you like betraying that trust is scarier for you than most. But at the end of the day, it’s a natural thing in life you will have to experience.”

“Then what should I do?”

“I can’t tell you what to do, Donghae,” Leeteuk says. “But just ask yourself this: do I want this? Forget the possibilities of what’s going to happen in the future, at this moment. Do I want this?”

The words spin through his head as he exits Leeteuk’s office. By the time he’s made it to Siwon’s car, he’s made up his mind. He sits down in the driver's seat and pulls out his phone, opening up his text messages with Hyukjae.

Lee Donghae: I’ll go out with you

He gets a response almost immediately.

Lee Hyukjae: Ah, yes! Is the coming Saturday okay? We can go see a movie and then get dinner?

Lee Donghae: That sounds good.

⸺

And so Saturday afternoon, Donghae finds himself waiting for Hyukjae at the bus stop just outside of the school campus. He can’t help but blush at how much Hyukjae’s face seems to light up at the sight of him standing at the bus stop, waiting for him. 

“Hey!” Hyukjae says, enthusiastic and cheerful as always. Donghae smiles timidly, ducking his head at how happy Hyukjae is to see him.

“Hello,” he signs. 

“That’s the sign for hello, right?” he confirms as they get onto the bus. Given that it’s just a wave, it’s not too hard to recognize the sign. 

They don’t talk much while on the bus, with Hyukjea diligently keeping track of the bus stops so they know when to get off. Donghae follows the man, not having really gone downtown in a long time. He trusts that Hyukjae will lead him to the right place. 

They exit the bus, with Hyukjae thanking the driver and Donghae nodding politely as they do so.

"Have you been to this movie theatre before?" Hyukjae asks when they’re off the bus and crossing the street. "It has recliners."

Donghae tilts his head in interest.

“You can adjust how flat you’re laying,” Hyukjae continues. “One time, I made it flat and fell asleep, and missed the whole movie. So I had to watch it again.”

Then I’ll have to be careful then, don’t I?

“I’m sure if we choose a good movie, it won’t happen,” Hyukjae says.

A lot of pressure.

“I have trust in us,” Hyukjae says as they enter the mall. Donghae trails after him, taking in the sights of the mall. If it could really be called that. It’s really more of an underground plaza, with a limited number of shops. Given that Seoul has some of the largest, most extravagant malls in the world, this doesn’t even register as a mall.

They stop at the front of the theatre, where all the posters of the movies playing at the theatre are displayed.

"Which one do you want to watch?" Hyukjae asks. Donghae scans the titles, his eyes landing on 'Joker,' which had been out for a while. He'd heard mixed reviews about the movie and he hadn't been very interested in seeing it. But now, if he had to choose from the selection, this movie would be the most interesting, he supposes.

He gestures at the poster for 'Joker' and Hyukjae brightens.

"That's what I was thinking, " he says. “I wanted to see if it lives up to the hype, I’ve been purposely avoiding the reviews.” With their movie chosen, they head inside. This movie theatre, like many others these days, has kiosks that allow people to buy tickets. It's a godsend for Donghae.

But it ends up being unnecessary because Hyukjae insists on paying for the tickets (because he'd asked for the date and that's the rules) so Donghae just hovers awkwardly behind him as he taps through the menu to get their tickets.

"Do you want to get popcorn?" Hyukjae asks as they head into the theatre.

Aren't we getting dinner after? 

"Ah, good point," Hyukjae says. They head into the theatre and Donghae stops as soon as he walks in, blinking at the large black recliners. Hyukjae had mentioned them, but he hadn’t been expecting such luxury seats.

“Told you,” Hyukjae says. “Where do you want to sit? Normally I like the middle, but maybe the back will be better and more isolated.”

Donghae gestures to the back of the theatre and Hyukjae nods, leading them to the back. The movie is about to start (given that they didn’t check any times beforehand and just got lucky), so the trailers and advertisements were drawing to an end. The theatre is relatively empty, with about ten other people in the theatre. Donghae supposes it’s because the movie has been out for several weeks, now.

There’s no one else in the back aisle with them, which helps the movie-watching experience feel more comfortable.

They settle into their seats just as the studio logos begin to show on the screen. Donghae pulls his legs up and curls into the back of the recliner to watch the movie.

⸺

After the movie finishes, they walk across the street to a ramen restaurant.

“I’m not sure how I feel about that movie,” Hyukjae says as they sit down. “What about you?”

Donghae hums. To be honest, he’s not sure how he feels about most of it either. But there is one thing that does stand out to him.

Should I get a card like Arthur does?

Hyukjae frowns at him for a second before shaking his head.

“You don’t have to explain anything to anyone,” he says. “I don’t think you need any kind of card excusing the fact that you can’t talk. It’s not as if it hinders anyone.”

I see.

“But it’s up to you at the end of the day,” Hyukjae continues. 

I don’t think I need it. I just found it interesting.

“Mm, I got to say, I didn’t even think about that, but it would make sense that you would pick up on that,”  Hyukjae says. Donghae nods as he begins to flip through the menu. Hyukjae takes that as a cue to change the subject, beginning to talk about his favourite ramens, some brands of which Donghae recognizes from childhood.

He puts the menu down, typing up a question.

Are you from Korea? Because of your name. 

“Yeah I’m from Korea,” Hyukjae says. “But my parents moved here when I was really young, like six? So I don’t know if that really counts?” 

Donghae nods. It still counts.

“I didn’t change my name to something more English-sounding because it felt weird, you know?” Hyukjae continues. “My name is a part of me, even if people always struggle to pronounce it.”

Donghae nods: ‘h’ and ‘y’ are not a pairing of letters that naturally go together in the English language, so it just makes it more difficult for people to pronounce. People have enough of a hard time with his and Siwon’s name and they don’t even have that added difficulty.

“What about you?” Hyukjae asks. “Are you from Korea?”

Siwon and I are both international students.

“I see,” Hyukjae says. “Where are you from?”

Mokpo.

Hyukjae frowns.

It’s a small beach town. You probably haven’t heard of it.

“I see,” Hyukjae “Is Siwon also from there?”

Donghae snorts.

“Hey,” Hyukjae mutters.

Siwon’s super rich, there’s no way he would be from some unknown town.

“Really,” Hyukjae says, cocking an eyebrow at him. “How rich is super rich?”

More money than you’ll ever see in your life.

“No, no way,” Hyukjae says. “He doesn’t look like it.”

His dad’s the CEO of a huge company.

“So what, is he your sugar daddy or something?” Hyukjae asks, his grin wide. He laughs, or his version of a laugh, silent but expressive.

No. But he does pay for the house.

“Oh, how did that happen?”

I got a scholarship to a very fancy boarding school. Siwon was there. Took me under his wing when I didn’t really fit in.

"Took you under his wing?" Hyukjae asks. "Were the other kids mean? Because you couldn't talk?"

The other children at the school hadn't been mean, per se, but they were cut from a different cloth. Donghae, who's family often barely had the money for food, had very little hope of meshing with people who were born into more money than Donghae could even comprehend at the time.

It wasn't until Siwon, who had been kind and understanding, that Donghae had actually been able to thrive at school. And when he got a full scholarship to a school across the world in Canada, the same school as Siwon, his friend had offered to pay for his travels and housing.

He'd wanted to deny the offer, didn't want to seem like he was leeching off Siwon. But his friend had insisted and Donghae eventually caved.

He owes Siwon so much.

And yet all he manages to be is a burden that Siwon did not sign up for.

He glances over at Hyukjae, realizing what the other boy had asked him. 

I could talk back then.

Hyukjae blinks at the message before he looks up at Donghae, frowning.

“Oh, I see,” he says. “But then why didn’t you fit in?” Donghae breathes a sigh of relief, thankful that Hyukjae doesn't press the issue.

I wasn’t rich. 

"That's it?"

Kids are often shallow.

“They sure are,” Hyukjae says, his eyes going dark. “They’re not nice, are they? People liked to comment on my looks a lot.” He offers Donghae a wan smile.

Donghae tilts his head. He doesn’t know if he should question it, but he decides to do so anyway.

Why?

Hyukjae snorts. “I mean, I’m not the best looking guy, Donghae,” he says and Donghae frowns, unsure as to what Hyukjae means.

Yes you are.

Hyukjae stares at the message for a second and Donghae stares, fascinated to see a flush start to appear on his ears. Donghae turns his phone back around and types up another message.

Don’t believe what they say. You're very handsome.

Hyukjae chuckles and shakes his head. The blush spreads further down his neck.

“Ahh,” he says, inhaling through his teeth and scratching the back of his head. Donghae smiles, watching as Hyukjae fidgets. "You really mean that?"

Why would I say it if I didn't mean it?

Hyukjae chuckles.

"Coming from you, that's quite the compliment, Donghae," he says. Donghae frowns, unsure as to what that means, exactly. He chooses not to comment, instead giving Hyukjae a small smile. Thankfully, their food arrives just in time. "Oh man, that looks good."

They dig in.

"Have you been here before?" Hyukjae asks as they eat. Donghae shakes his head. "Do you like it?"

It's okay. I miss ramyeon from Korea though.

"Ah, I haven't been back in so many years," Hyukjae says. "Maybe a grad trip?"

Donghae nods. 

"I'll just follow you to your home," Hyukjae teases and Donghae chuckles. Hyukjae starts talking about what he remembers of Korea, given that he hadn't been back in over ten years and Donghae happily listens. Every once in a while, Hyukjae would inquire about his hometown (which isn't really all that exciting, just a small beach town).

When they finish their dinner, they take the bus back to campus. They head into their neighbourhood, but instead of going straight home, they end up on a bench overlooking a small playground at the corner of Donghae's street.

The sun has long since set, so the area is lit solely by the hazy yellow of the streetlamps. Normally, Donghae would never stay out this late. The dark is a constant reminder of his pain, of that incident. The dark is the complete opposite of safety; he never knows who might be lingering in the corners, who might be watching him.

But right now, the normal thrum of anxiety that comes with the dark and night is so quiet it’s almost nonexistent.

Donghae turns, looking at Hyukjae who is gazing off into the distance. He takes a moment to admire the man’s profile, how unreal he feels to Donghae in this hazy lighting and hypnotic atmosphere.

As if he detects Donghae’s staring, Hyukaje turns, his eyes softening as he meets Donghae’s eyes. Donghae hadn’t realized how close they had been sitting, they’re inches apart and Donghae can see the small details of Hyujkae’s face, the way Hyukjae’s royal blue hair falls slightly into his eyes, the necklaces that accentuate Hyukjae’s collarbones.

He forces his eyes back up to see that Hyukjae is staring at him with a hypnotic sort of intensity. Donghae keeps their eye contact and for several seconds nothing happens. And then Hyukjae’s eyes scan his face.

"You're so beautiful, Donghae," Hyukjae breathes. Donghae’s breathing hitches.

The words bounce around his head, Hyukjae's voice distorting into something deeper, more sinister. 

“You’re so ing beautiful, you know that? Such a good little for me, so receptive, huh? You like this, don’t you?”

Donghae wants to move, but he can’t he’s being held down, being forced—

“So ing gorgeous, even when you’re crying.”

“Donghae!”

Donghae comes to with a gasp, his eyes wide and chest hurting. He’s intimately familiar with this feeling, the disorientation of a flashback. He can feel the panic rising up in his chest, the familiar tightness and that tells him he’s about to have a very intense, full-blown panic attack. He tries to slow his breathing, but they’re coming out in short puffs against his will. He scrambles upright, glad he can still move and that his house is nearby.

He makes it to the door, but fumbles with his keys to get the door open. After several seconds, the door opens and Donghae surges forward, throwing himself into Siwon’s arms.

“S-Siwon,” he manages to stutter out. He knows he’s trembling, his heart is racing, and it feels as though his throat is closing up, like he’s choking.

He can hear Siwon saying something to him, but he can’t quite make it out. It sounds as though he’s listening to Siwon underwater. It feels as though he is underwater because he can’t breathe and he’s going to die. 

It’s the last thought that goes through his mind before everything goes black.

⸺

Donghae wakes slowly, his awareness coming back to him in segments. He's first aware of the soreness of his muscles, as is common after a severe panic attack. Then he feels the sheets on him, and he becomes aware that there's someone next to him. It's a familiar body, the only person who can get this close and not trigger Donghae.

Donghae turns, burying his face further into Siwon’s shoulder savouring the scent of Siwon's cologne. 

"Hey Donghae," Siwon mutters, his hand coming up and running through Donghae's hair. It's a soothing gesture, one that helps Donghae relax. He melts into the bed. "How are you feeling?"

Donghae grimaces. He’s not in the mood to talk, so he just shakes his head.

"Ah," Siwon says. "Do you want to go back to sleep?"

Donghae nods.

"Okay, you can do that," Siwon says. "And when you wake up, I'll make you doritang chicken, okay?"

Donghae nods again, but he can't fight the whine of displeasure as Siwon frees himself from Donghae's grip. Siwon chuckles and pulls the blankets up to Donghae's chin and pecks him on the forehead.

"Go to sleep, Donghae," he says. Donghae sighs,  burying himself deeper into his pillow. He's so exhausted he's asleep again within seconds.

⸺

He wakes sometime mid-afternoon, feeling marginally better and more well-rested. He sits up, rubbing the gunk out of his eyes. There’s more than normal, given that he’d been crying last night. He uses the edge of his sleeve to wipe at his face. He’s about to get out of bed when he realizes he’s actually in Siwon’s room and not his own. 

He’s still in the clothes he had been wearing last night, so he makes his way back to his own room to change into something a bit more comfortable. He pulls on some sweat pants and a loose hoodie before he heads out to the kitchen. Siwon is sitting at the coffee table, his attention on something on his laptop.

Siwon looks up when Donghae enters and offers him a soft smile.

“Good afternoon,” he says. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay,” Donghae says, the words coming out hoarse. Siwon nods and gets up, walking over and wrapping his arms around him. 

“I’ll cook you some lunch, okay?”

Donghae nods.

He takes a seat at the kitchen table, watching as Siwon bustles around the kitchen. He watches for several minutes, keeping track of Siwon’s movements in order to distract himself from actually thinking about anything else. Then Siwon turns, giving Donghae a long look.

“Do you want to talk about what happened last night?” he asks.

Donghae shrinks back, wrapping his arms around himself.

“Not really,” he says. Siwon doesn’t push, only nods and turns back to his cooking. The events of last night circle through his head. It had started out so well, Donghae had actually been having fun but he just had to ruin it. His stupid brain can’t even handle a single date, it’s humiliating and he’s sure Hyukjae would like nothing to do with him, given his freak out about something as inconsequential as calling him beautiful.

Siwon finishes cooking and puts a plate of delicious smelling food in front of him. It’s his favourite, which is exactly why Siwon had cooked it for him in the first place. Even so, he finds it hard to eat too much.

“It went well, mostly,” Donghae finally says after taking several bites. “He did everything right and I ruined it.”

“You didn’t,” Siwon says. Donghae bites his lip, considering whether or not he wants to continue.

“He called me b-beautiful,” he finally stutters out, his voice hitching at the word. “It was what—” He cuts himself off. Siwon abandons his lunch and walks over, bending down in front of Donghae.

“You didn’t ruin anything,” he says again. “Neither of you were at fault, there was no way Hyukjae would have known such an innocent compliment would trigger anything, but you shouldn’t feel guilty about reacting to trauma.”

Donghae lets out a shaky breath.

“Siwon, it’s been t-three years! Why—why can’t I just—” Donghae gasps, his chest starting to feel tight. He reaches out blindly, managing to find Siwon, who pulls Donghae into his arms. 

“Breathe, Donghae,” Siwon mumbles. “In and out, deep breathes.” 

Siwon coaches him through several breathing exercises, which help Donghae control his heart rate.

“Your trauma and how you deal with it does not have a timeline, Donghae,” Siwon says, which is an echo of what his therapist has told him many times before. Donghae knows this. He does. But he’s so tired, tired of feeling like he’s choking every time he tried to speak in public, tired of feeling anxious every time someone looks at him for too long, tired of being triggered by the smallest