(…I want to talk to you; I want to be with you…)

“Yoochun,” the man moved his eyes and stared at his best friend, “are you ok?”

Yoochun blinked. He could see Jaejoong’s lips forming words but he couldn’t hear them. He couldn’t find any meaning behind words anymore.

Nothing mattered.

“Chun,” Jaejoong insisted and shook his shoulder; “you’re scaring me.”

Yoochun blinked some more but he nodded, “I’m fine.”

“I’m here to take you out,” the older man informed and tossed Yoochun some clothes from inside his closet. “Get dressed. Changmin is waiting for us.”

Yoochun shook his head and curled into a small ball “I don’t want to go anywhere.”

“You’re in here since last night. You haven’t eaten anything and you are pale. You make us all worry.” Jaejoong tried to make his voice sound concerned. He didn’t want to sound strict and demanding because he knew that this would piss Yoochun off.

“Hyung, just go. I want to stay alone.” the words came out like a whisper. He was tired and devastated.

The other man sighed but gave up. He tidied Yoochun’s clothes back to his closet and left the room quietly.

Yoochun was alone again. Laying in silence, wondering where the love had gone… thinking about all the beautiful and strong feelings inside his now broken heart.

He closed his heavy eyes and the brightest smile appeared on his face.  Junsu was there, smiling at him like he used to do all the time in the past. Yoochun fell in love with him because of his smile. Bright, honest, reassuring! He was sure that with Junsu by his side, life couldn’t get any better.

He loved him with all his heart even though he wasn’t sure about Junsu’s feelings but he didn’t care. He just let himself fly up to the sky. He let Junsu take him high. It was so perfect. He felt like nothing could bring him back down.

He was holding onto Junsu tightly and he felt safe and peaceful. Back then life had a meaning. Back then he had Junsu.

Yoochun opened his eyes and faced the coldness of his room. He searched for Junsu’s smile with panicking eyes but he was nowhere around. And that was the moment he realized that he was falling.

He was falling and he was about to get crushed.

“Junsu,” Yoochun screamed “Junsu I need you!”

His tears were falling from his eyes without control. Yoochun didn’t have the power to control them anyway.

(…I want you to sleep in my arms, like back then when we were happy…)

“He won’t call you. Yoochun, I don’t even know why you’re still staring at your phone!”

“How do you know?” Yoochun grabbed his phone and held it tightly. For a moment, he wished that instead of this cold device, he could hold Junsu’s warm hand; the hand that used to fit perfectly inside his own hand. He wanted to hold on to it and never let go again.

“It’s been three days already and he haven’t called. What makes you think that he will call now?”

Yoochun glanced at Jaejoong. Maybe his friend was right. Junsu was not going to call. He didn’t care anymore. Junsu wasn’t his anymore.

“I just hope that he will.”

Jaejoong sighed and sat next to Yoochun. He put his arm around the young man’s shoulders and hugged him tightly. He was glad that at least Yoochun cooperated and ate. He was worried that he will get sick. Jaejoong wasn’t going to allow that.

“I am sorry if I am being too harsh on you. I am just worried.”

“Why are you worried?” the other allowed himself being embraced and comforted, “I am fine!”

“You’re a mess, Chun ah. Junsu did this to you and it kills me. I can’t see you like that!”

“It will be fine,” Yoochun insisted, “when Junsu calls me, it will be fine!”

Yoochun had no idea why he had this feeling. He had no idea why he couldn’t let go. He wanted to do it. He wanted to be free from all the pain in his heart but something was preventing him. Junsu was his everything. He couldn’t get free from his everything. He would lose himself.

“I know it’s difficult for you to get him over but you don’t even try hyung! You’re harming yourself.”

“I can’t damage myself more.” Yoochun bitterly laughed.

--- “I don’t understand!” Yoochun hopelessly screamed, “Why are you doing this?”

Junsu turned his head away from the broken man, he couldn’t bare looking at him.

“Answer me, please! Please Junsu!”

His voice was trembling, he was near tears, if not, he was crying. Junsu couldn’t know for sure. He couldn’t look at him.

“I already told you. I’m bored of you already! Just leave already, you’re annoying me.”

Yoochun held his breath. Those words were like a knife stabbing his heart.

“Is this the truth? Tell me, is it?” he tried again.

He wanted to raise his hand and touch Junsu. He wanted to close the distance between them but he was too afraid to do it. He was afraid that the touch will burn him. He wouldn’t risk it.

“Yes, it is! Why would I lie to you? Get over it.”

“Look at me.”

Junsu froze. No he couldn’t look at Yoochun. He couldn’t do it.

“I said look at me!” Yoochun’s voice sounded from behind him. Closer than where he sounded earlier.

Junsu panicked.

“I don’t even want to do that! You’re pathetic Yoochun! Why are you still trying? There is no hope for you!”

“Say that to my face,” he screamed, “Look at me and repeat the words! Can you?”

Junsu took a deep breath and turned his body in determination. Yoochun was right there, looking at him.

His eyes were red and swollen. Fresh tears were falling from his eyes. Junsu’s heart tightened.

Yoochun was indeed feeling pathetic but he didn’t care. He wasn’t ashamed of his honest tears. He wasn’t ashamed of the strong feelings of love he had for Junsu. He didn’t want to hide them. What was the point of acting strong?

“I am bored of you. I don’t like you anymore. You were nothing important in my life. Forget about me. You were a stupid mistake, Yoochun!” Junsu said and forced a mocking smile on his face. “Got it? Is it now clear to you?”

Yoochun sobbed. His breathing was giving up on him. He was drowning in his tears.

“You made it clear.” He whispered. “Please go now!”

“I will never come back again.” ---

(…Please listen to me, don’t let me go. Shower me with your love. If only you could come back again…)

“Hyung stop!” Changmin screamed and wrapped his arms around Yoochun “Stop, it is wrong! You’re drunk.”

“No! Leave… leave me alone!” Yoochun hissed but and tried to break free, “I need to find Susu!”

“You might make things worse now! Just wait until Jaejoong comes back. He’ll kill me if he finds out that I let you do whatever you want at this state.” The younger objected. “Please, hyung. Don’t make me use violence to keep you away from that man.”

“Do whatever you want!” he cried out, “But I’ll go find him and take him back! This can’t be the end!”

“Stop being in denial!” Changmin shook him, “This is life! Get yourself together!”

“Min ah, let me go,” he sobbed and the younger man’s heart clenched, “I am begging you, let me find him.”

Changmin bit his lower lip, “What if something bad happens? How am I supposed to let you go?”

“I’ll find him. Nothing will happen before that. I’ll definitely find him.”

“Then go! Go before I regret taking this decision to let you leave.”

Yoochun nodded and forced himself walk to the door like he was completely fine. He wasn’t fine. He could barely stand but he couldn’t take the pain anymore. His heart was aching more than his body did.

He needed his cure, his antidote. He needed Junsu.

With as much power he had left, he headed in Junsu’s house. At least his need and determination could shove away all the complaints his weak body was making.

He had to see Junsu. He had to be with Junsu.

(… If only you could call me. I would die just by hearing your voice. Your sweet voice I never forget…)

The morning lights, probably coming from a window, hit his face. Yoochun frowned when his sleep was disturbed. A headache was already killing him and the only thing on his mind right now was to get some rest.

He kept his heavy eyes closed and buried his head deeper in the really soft pillow. With a soft groan, because the light was still annoying him, he covered his body and his head under the blanket.

“Yoochun, are you awake?”

Yoochun, being alerted but still under the blanket, snapped his eyes open. That voice… that sweet melody…

“If you’re indeed awake, please don’t pretend anymore. Get off the blanket. We need to talk.”

With hesitation, the surprised man uncovered his face and glanced at the man who was standing at the door.

“Why am I here?” he asked, fully unaware. His mind hated him that moment, not allowing him to remember.

“I wanted to ask you the same thing.” Junsu crossed his hands.

“I don’t remember. I am sorry! I was drunk and probably found my way here.”

“This is not right, Yoochun. What if this happens again?”

Yoochun threw away the blanket and took a sitting position. For a moment, his headache was piercing his head. He touched his head and closed his eyes, trying to calm down, missing the worry in Junsu’s face.

“Do I bother you that much?” he asked, still having his face buried in his hands.

“You’re not… you’re not bothering me. But I am not your boyfriend anymore and I am definitely not your nanny. When you get drunk, go to your friends to take care of you. I won’t do that again.”

Yoochun lifted his head and locked eyes with the man, “So you pitied me and took me in? Why did you even bother Junsu? You should have let me out there, then. I didn’t ask you to do it.”

Junsu laughed ironically. “You’re saying this because you don’t remember. Yoochun, you were kneeling and crying outside my door. You were screaming that you love me and you woke up all my neighbors. You didn’t ask me to do it but I had no choice.”

“I am sorry.”

“Apology accepted for this one and only time. Now, go take a shower. I prepared breakfast. You’ll eat and then you’ll disappear from my life once and for all.”

“No, thanks! I better disappear already.” He said and stood up, almost falling back.

This time Junsu was next to him, supporting him. “You better listen to me. You look like , you can’t leave immediately.”

Yoochun pushed Junsu away as fast as he could, missing one more time the hurt in the man’s eyes.

“Don’t touch me. It might be easy for you but it’s not for me.”

Junsu only looked at him.

“If I can’t be with you, then I don’t want to be near you. It hurts me. It hurts me like hell.”

“But you l-”

“Stop acting like you care about me. Let me do whatever I want, besides my life doesn’t concern you anymore. You chose this.”

“I still care about you, Yoochun! The fact that I am not attracted to you anymore doesn’t mean that I don’t care.”

“Then stop caring. I don’t want you to care.”

“Now you’re being selfish.” Junsu shook his head, “And childish.”

“That’s not called selfishness.” Yoochun bitterly smiled, “That’s called being heartbroken.”

“Th-”

“You were the childish one!” he raised his voice, “You, who played with me. You, who lied about your feelings and laughed with mine. You, who threw me away with the excuse that you got bored.  You should have admitted that you never loved me. You should have told the truth instead of finding lame, childish excuses.”

“That was not an excuse!” Junsu objected.

“You’re a liar Junsu. You’re a liar and yet, you’re here judging my behavior! At least I was honest since the beginning. I was honest about loving you, honest about all of my feelings!”

“I didn’t lie!” Junsu yelled. “I never lied!”

“Shut up! I don’t believe you anyway. Not anymore!” Yoochun hissed, “I don’t want to hear anything else from you. It disgusts me.”

“Yoochun…” Junsu whispered.

“You’re disgusting Junsu, a filthy liar. Are you happy now? Because I guess that was what you were trying to succeed. I came here, begging for your love. I humiliated myself. Happy now?”

“No, Yoochun…”

“No?” the devastated man laughed, “You want more? Ok what do you want to hear? That no matter how much you hurt me, humiliated me, made me beg, I still love you? I still love you more than anything?”

“No, stop!”

“You can’t stand listening to me now?”

“No! Stop it! You know nothing!” Junsu took a desperate step closer to Yoochun. “Please, stop!”

“I am going Junsu. Like what you want me to do.”

(… I am drowning into the ocean. I can’t reach your hand. We made such big mistakes. Is it too late to get lost into you?...)

“I love you!”

Yoochun froze at his spot, right before he touched the doorknob. He wasn’t sure if he had heard right but he heard it.

“What?” he asked in a low, cracking voice.

“I love you!” Junsu repeated, this time louder. “I still love you. I never stopped.”

Yoochun’s mind was working overtime. Chills were running through his body.

He didn’t turn his body. “Is that supposed to be another game of yours?”

“That…” Junsu paused “… is supposed to be the truth.”

“I don’t get it.” he whispered in confusion, “I don’t get you.”

“I love you but I am obligated to let you go. I can’t be with you!”

This time Yoochun looked at him. His whole body was facing him. “What are you even talking about?”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Are you ting with me? Why are you doing this? Why aren’t you explaining?”

“I lied to you. I am a liar indeed but I never lied about my feelings. I lied about who I really am.”

“Keep talking.”

“I… I’ve done many wrong things, terrible things. I am involved with wrong people. I… am not the good, naïve boy you’ve always thought I was.”

“Explain to me please, what are you saying?” Yoochun was getting more and more confused and more and more frustrated.

“Before I meet you, I was… I was involved with a gang and their leader. I was… I was stealing and… and… and beating people and… I’ve done so many terrible things. I’ve even beat girls and old people.”

“You wouldn’t!” Yoochun shook his head, not believing.

“I did and I was ashamed of it. And that’s when I met you. So perfect! I wanted to give up my old life and create a new one with you. I tried to forget about my past. I tried to hide but you can’t hide who you are. Your past will always haunt you.”

“I don’t care then!” Yoochun said and approached Junsu. He touched his shoulders with both of his hands. “I don’t care what you did before. If that was why you broke up with me then I don’t care.”

“I broke up with you because Yunho found me, the gang’s leader. He threatened me that if I don’t get you out of my life, he will.”

“Junsu yah…”

“I can’t risk your life. I can’t hurt you.”

“You’re hurting me more by keeping me away!”

“He is no joke, Yoochun! He is not joke!”

“I love you!”

“I love you too!”

“That’s what matters! That’s the only thing!”

“But what if…”

“No ‘buts’ and no ‘what ifs’, now! I don’t care! I am not letting you go again!”

“You sh-”

Then there were no words, just two pair of lips kissing sweetly, softly. Because love is all that is needed.

(… Stay here with me! We have to reach our destination. Stay here with me! We have to see if we really love each other. I am afraid, that’s why I want you just for me. Please stay here with me. We’ll become one…)
-----

Thank you all! I love you~