The first time Jinki saw Jonghyun it was on a crisp November night in a crowded, dimly lit gay club in Itaewon that he had never before set foot inside.

Kibum was with him, had made him come, in fact.

“Hyung, when’s the last time you went out on the weekend? I know I call you an old man, but that doesn’t mean you have to actually become one,” he had grumbled in front of his bedroom mirror earlier in the evening as he tried on a mess of scarves in all different textures, lengths, and colors.

Jinki was sitting on the edge of Kibum’s bed, perched awkwardly like he didn’t know what to do with himself. He was wearing simple light-washed jeans and his nicest button-up shirt, but Kibum had switched between at least 3 pairs of shiny leather pants in the last 20 minutes, and was wearing a flimsy, glittery silver tank top that barely covered his midriff.

Jinki just sighed.

“I mean who knows? You might actually meet someone for once,” Kibum quipped as he placed a pink newsboy cap on his head and made faces in the mirror.

“I don’t need to meet anybody,” Jinki insisted. He had been saying this for years.

“You’ve been saying that for years,” Kibum mimicked Jinki’s thoughts in an exasperated tone. “Now, what do you think: hat or no hat?”

Jinki sighed again just as Minho passed by the doorway and popped his head in. “I think hat. Definitely,” he said.

Kibum rolled his eyes. “Well, if you like it then there’s no way I’m wearing it.” He tossed the hat on the floor and leaned in closer to the mirror, looking at himself from multiple angles as he fluffed up the sides of his hair and twisted little strands between his fingers.

Minho just ignored the insult and leaned against the doorframe, muscles bulging out of his thin white tank top. “Do you want dinner? I was going to order something.”

Kibum wrinkled his nose in disgust. “No, we’re going to Homo Hill and probably won’t be back until tomorrow morning.” He turned around to grab his purse from the bed and Jinki clumsily stood up.

“Homo Hill?” Minho repeated, raising an eyebrow. Jinki always thought the name was rather on the nose as well.

“Yes, Jonghyun’s playing tonight at Queen,” Kibum huffed as he pushed past Minho into the hallway. “I told you that last week.”

Minho shot Jinki an incredulous look. “Hyung’s going to Queen?”

Jinki fretted with the hem of his shirt. “Only because Kibum is making me.”

“Yes, well how else am I supposed to get you out of your apartment,” Kibum complained as he slung his purse over his shoulder. “Anyway, we’ll be back.” He pressed a palm to Minho’s chest and gave him a kiss.

“Feed Taemin, too. Sometimes he forgets to eat.” Kibum cast a wary eye down the stairwell in the direction of Taemin’s basement dwelling.

Minho rolled his eyes, but there was a gentle sparkle there. “Don’t worry I will,” he said. “And hyung,” Minho addressed Jinki. “If you don’t get kissed by a drag queen while you’re there, then you’ve officially lost the night.”

Kibum rolled his eyes again, remembering the first and only time he took Minho out with him. “It isn’t a competition.”

“It can be,” Minho said, “It was. And I won.”

Jinki let out another deep sigh, feeling it all the way down in his toes. Kibum tugged on his arm.

“C’mon, we’re gonna be late.”

 

---

 

“Is Jonghyun a drag queen?” Jinki asked Kibum while they were standing in line outside the club. He felt even more self-conscious in his plain clothes surrounded by flashy foreigners and 20-somethings dressed even more dramatically than Kibum, which he thought was impossible.

Kibum audibly snorted. “Why, do you want to kiss him?”

Jinki blushed and rolled his eyes. “No, I’ve never even met him. I just wondered why he was playing here.” Jinki shivered in the late fall chill. “You said he did rock music.”

Kibum tossed a piece of hair away from his eyes. “No, he’s not a drag queen,” he said. “The boys here are just obsessed with him because he’s pretty and all the guys in his band are really tall and good-looking.”

Pretty. Yes, Jonghyun was pretty. Jinki decided that as soon as he saw him.

He was in a silky gray top, open at the chest so the pink and purple stage lights could glint off the shiny skin of his toned pecs, and his dark hair was tousled loosely over his eyes, and Jinki felt his heart thud in time with the bass drum as it boomed its 4 beat rhythm into the night.

Yes. Jonghyun was pretty.

Jinki decided that it was just a fact. It didn’t mean anything if he simply observed that fact.

It was like Jonghyun had complete control of the crowd from the moment he stepped on stage, wandering eyes following his every move as he sauntered around, smirk playing at the edges of his lips.

It was like every time he moved he radiated an all-powerful energy that swept across the bar and out into the streets, traveling down the road and through the whole city to light it up bright as a star.

“Good evening everyone,” Jonghyun crooned into the mic after his first two songs. “Or, should I say morning?”

Jinki looked at his phone. It was 12 AM exactly.

“Ah, I think this hour is the beginning of the best part of the night, and I’m so glad we can all share it together,” he continued, leaning into his gleaming silver mic stand. Jinki noticed that there was gold glitter in his hair.

“I’m Jonghyun, and this is Blue Night,” he gestured to his back up band, and lots of men in the crowd let out long, appreciative whistles. Jonghyun smiled. “Let’s listen to each other’s stories"

---

At 2:30, Kibum pulled Jinki from the crowd after Jonghyun’s encore, and they headed for the bar.

Jonghyun was there, talking to two of his band members and sipping on a fizzy pink drink in a tall champagne flute. Jinki felt his knees wobble.

“Kibummie!” Jonghyun exclaimed as soon as he saw the two of them, his whole face lighting up as his eyes widened and all his teeth shone with his smile. “I haven’t seen you in forever.”

Kibum leaned into Jonghyun’s hug and Jinki shuffled his feet, looking anywhere but Jonghyun’s stunning face.

“I told you I would come,” Kibum said.

Jonghyun took a sip of his cocktail, and looked over Kibum’s shoulder at Jinki. He smiled warmly and Jinki felt his whole face heat up. He was suddenly thankful for the dim atmosphere and the colorful lights that bounced around and obscured his expression.

“And who’s this?” he heard Jonghyun’s (sweet, cute, irresistible) voice ask. Kibum tugged on Jinki’s arm to bring him forward.

Jonghyun was perched cross-legged on the little bar stool with his shirt open wider than Jinki had remembered it being on stage, and his heeled boots clicked against each other when he swung his feet—his whole body seeming to move as he took another swig of his drink. His cheeks looked slightly flushed and pretty pink, but Jinki decided it was the lights and their illusions. His heart was hammering.

“This is Lee Jinki,” Kibum said. “We knew each other in high school, he’s a couple years older than me.”

Jinki thought he had never seen a smile brighter than Jonghyun’s, and his smoky eyeliner was framing his eyes like they were the only place Jinki should ever look again. He stuttered as he introduced himself and almost tripped as he bowed.

“Nice to meet you.”

Jonghyun nodded his head forward politely. “I’m Kim Jonghyun.”

Kibum had this look in his eyes that Jinki always hated. It was his look of intuition, and Jinki wanted to pretend he hadn’t seen it. Kibum’s shrewd eyes narrowed.

“Jinki-hyung really enjoyed your performance,” he said, clapping Jinki on the back strong enough to make him almost cough. He decided to avert both Kibum and Jonghyun’s eyes.

Jonghyun had a twinkling laugh that bubbled up out of him just like the bubbles in his champagne glass rose to the top and slipped between his plump lips and down the delicate line of his throat every time he took a drink. Jinki was sweaty.

“Ah, thank you,” Jonghyun said in a shy voice. “What do you do? Are you a musician too?”

Jinki felt a nervous laugh tumble out of him and he shook his head. “No, no. I’m a software engineer,” he said.

He heard Kibum sigh, and braced himself for the inevitable. None of Kibum’s artsy friends ever knew what to say when Jinki talked about his job.

“That’s lovely,” Jonghyun said. Jinki looked up and almost laughed in shock at his surprising response. Jonghyun’s eyes were soft and kind. “I hope you can tell me more about that sometime.”

Jinki could feel his mouth hanging open and Jonghyun’s guitar player was looking at him with a concerned face as he absentmindedly brushed a hand against the nape of Jonghyun’s neck.

“T-thank you?” Jinki managed to get out. Jonghyun let another pleasant laugh travel up from his throat, and his bandmate handed him another pink drink.

“Okay,” Kibum’s voice interrupted Jinki’s racing thoughts. “I think we need to go now.” he wrapped an hand around Jinki’s wrist.

“I’ll see you around, Lee Jinki-ssi,” Jonghyun said with a sweet tilted smile. He waved his fingers in goodbye and the silvery rings he was wearing sparkled under the multicolored lights.

 

“Hopeless.”

Kibum was leaning against the pole in the subway car as they rode back to his house, and Jinki was sitting in the seat opposite, deliberately trying not to think about how pink Jonghyun’s lips were.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jinki replied as straight-faced as he could.

Kibum choked out a laugh. “You’re terrible at flirting, you know that?”

“I wasn’t trying to flirt with Jonghyun,” Jinki insisted.

“Do you want to?”

Jinki didn’t say anything. Kibum had his brow arched expectantly. The light in the train car kept flickering on and off, casting brief shadows over Jinki’s face.

“He has a boyfriend anyway,” Jinki finally mumbled, leaning his arms on his knees and looking at his feet.

“You mean the guitar player? Yeah, that’s Youngbae,” Kibum said, sounding thoughtful. “They’re just sleeping together. It’s a casual thing.”

Jinki’s ears burned at the thought of that. He could picture Jonghyun in Youngbae’s bed, more flushed than he was at the club, with sultry heavy lidded eyes and Youngbae’s hands at his throat as he tilted his head back to kiss him.

“Are you even listening to me?” Kibum’s voice snapped Jinki out of his reverie. He felt hot all over.

“I said, Jonghyun gets around a lot,” Kibum continued. “It’s not a bad thing, a lot of guys just like him.”

“Yeah, I could tell,” Jinki said.

“I’m not discouraging you, hyung,” Kibum’s voice became gentler. “You’re handsome. You can be funny. You just have to own it.”

Jinki sighed, thinking about how Youngbae had touched Jonghyun’s neck at the bar, how Jonghyun held his drink between three of his fingers and squirmed around on the barstool when he talked—trying to include everyone around him in the conversation. He thought about his smile.

“We’re here,” Kibum’s voice brought Jinki back from his thoughts again as the train screeched to a halt. He pulled his black fur coat tighter across his chest and slipped through the doors. Jinki shuffled to get up as a few passengers climbed into the car.

He dusted off his jeans once they walked up the stairs and reached the sidewalk. Kibum was staring at him with a look Jinki couldn’t place. He pointed a finger at him.

“Own it.”

 

---

 

He saw Jonghyun a few more times after that, always with Kibum. Never alone.

He and Kibum were shopping in Hongdae for Christmas presents when they saw Jonghyun sitting in the window of a small side-street café. Kibum had elbowed Jinki incessantly until Jinki gave up and opened the door to go inside.

After getting their drinks they stopped by Jonghyun’s table, where he was hunched over a worn-looking moleskine journal scribbling something that Jinki couldn’t make out. A half-empty iced Americano sat by his side.

Jonghyun lit up bright just like he had in the club when he saw the two of them approaching.

“Bummie! Sit down, sit down,” he said.

“We were just passing by and saw you in the window,” Kibum explained. “Thought we’d say hi.”

Jonghyun had an elbow propped up next to his journal, twirling his pen between his fingers as he listened. He never looked away from Kibum’s eyes, even for a second. He was so attentive and seemed excited just by their presence. It made Jinki nervous.

“I’ve been here all morning, just writing,” Jonghyun said. “It’s such a nice day, a slight wind, just a bit of sunlight peeking through the clouds. It’s perfect for creativity.”

His eyes flicked over to Jinki, and Jinki felt his heart start pounding louder than the music playing through the café’s tinny speakers. Jonghyun wasn’t wearing eyeliner, but his hair was just as effortlessly styled as it had been that night at Queen, and he had rolled up the sleeves of his long-sleeved black t-shirt so that his toned forearms were visible. Jinki gulped.

“What brings you two out today?” Jonghyun asked it liked he was directing the question at Kibum, but his eyes were on Jinki.

Kibum nudged Jinki in the side a little too hard for his liking.

“Ah—” Jinki stumbled over his words. “W-we’re Christmas shopping.”

Jonghyun nodded his head solemnly. “Christmas...such an ambiguous time of the year, don’t you think?”

Jinki had no idea what that was supposed to mean.

 

“Y-yeah, yeah I guess it is.”

Jonghyun smiled like that was a satisfying answer.

“Lee Jinki-ssi,” he said, leaning in close across the table. He dropped his voice low and flicked his eyes around the café like he was about to say something secretive. “How is your software engineering going?”

Kibum snorted and lifted his drink up to his mouth to hide his grin.

“Uh-” Jinki stuttered. “Um, good?”

Jonghyun gave him an encouraging nod.

Jinki tried to look away from Jonghyun, could barely breathe with those earnest eyes looking at him like every word he said was the most important word in the world.

“My company is actually working on a—on an app right now that can tell you what food certain convenience stores have in stock at certain times.”

Jonghyun’s eyes went wide as saucers as Jinki explained. He was leaning so far across the table that Jinki was afraid he was going to topple over and fall face first into it.

“For example,” Jinki continued. “If you want cheese ramen but you check the app and GS25 is out of it, but the 7-11 down the road has some, then you can save yourself a trip.”

“That. Is amazing,” Jonghyun said, looking at Kibum for confirmation. Kibum just nodded his head quickly and took another drink to keep from laughing. “You’re literally improving society.”

Jink felt himself blush and he shook his head. “T-thank you. I don’t really know if that’s true, but thank you.”

Jonghyun laid his hand down on the table next to Jinki’s. They were mere centimeters apart and Jinki felt his fingers twitch, wanting to close the gap and touch but knowing he couldn’t.

“It is true!” Jonghyun said. “And don’t think for a second that it’s not.”

Jonghyun was so sincere and Jinki didn’t know what to say back to that. All he could do was look at Jonghyun’s pretty eyes and delicately shaped eyebrows that—from this close proximity—Jinki could see were filled in with of light brown. He let out a shaky breath.

Suddenly Jonghyun’s phone vibrated violently on the table. He hopped back into his seat and Jinki caught a whiff of his perfume—sharp and bright with a hint of unknown spice. Jinki tried not to inhale. If he had been standing up he would’ve staggered, intoxicated.

“, it’s Haesol,” Jonghyun said looking at the text. “I told him I would meet him for a lunch date at 3 and it’s almost 3:30.”

“Isn’t he accustomed to your lateness already?” Kibum chided.

Jonghyun let out one of his big, beautiful laughs and Jinki melted into his seat. “You would think so, wouldn’t you?”

Jonghyun quickly tucked his journal into his big leather clutch and grabbed his denim jacket off the back of his chair. “All the same, I shouldn’t keep him waiting. You know how men can be.”

He winked at Kibum knowingly and slipped into his jacket.

Jinki felt insane. For a brief moment he had been compelled to stand up and help Jonghyun into the jacket, to carry his clutch for him, to walk him to the subway station. He took a drink of his coffee to steady himself.

“It was great to see you two,” Jonghyun said as he picked up his half-empty coffee cup. “Good luck with your Christmas shopping, and try not to catch a cold!”

“Y-you too,” Jinki heard himself blurt out before Kibum could give some type of normal-sounding farewell.

Jonghyun hesitated before taking his first step towards the door. He looked at Jinki with a surprised expression, his mouth slightly open and brows furrowed like he was trying to figure something out, but he couldn’t quite get there. Jinki wanted to hide.

“Thank you,” he said with that overwhelming honesty again. “I’ll see you around, Jinki-ssi.”

He was out the door in three quick steps, and Jinki watched him walk all the way down the sidewalk, his swift legs bouncing cutely as he hopped down the subway station stairs. Jinki could still smell that hint of spice in his perfume and it was suddenly like all the trendy, cozy ambiance of the café had been out in the vortex of wind that Jonghyun slipped into when he left.

It was like he was a whirling ball of good energy and warmth that moved from place to place, never staying long but leaving a quiet touch of something distinctly Jonghyun wherever he decided to land.

Jinki deliberately banged his forehead onto the thick wooden café table.

“‘I’ll see you around, Jinki-ssi’” Kibum repeated with a smirk, watching Jinki’s agony and twirling his straw around between his teeth.

“Haesol,” Jinki spat out in response.

“He’s a bartender at Why Not,” Kibum explained with a sigh. “Him and Jonghyun have been friends for years.”

“‘You know how men can be.”

“Jonghyun’s a flirt, hyung. I don’t know what else to say,” Kibum got up from their table and tossed his empty drink into the nearby trash can. “Now, let’s go. I have no idea what to get for Taemin and it’s almost 4.”

Jinki banged his head against the table again, louder this time—just for good measure.

 

He saw Jonghyun again when he and Kibum went for drinks at Why Not a few weeks later.

He was leaning over the bar talking to a tall bartender with bleach blonde hair and rounded glasses. Jonghyun’s billowy white shirt was riding up on his hips and Jinki could see a strip of his smooth skin peeking out, framed by the snug fit of his black jeans.

Jinki in a breath and took a long pull from his beer bottle.

“That’s Haesol,” Kibum leaned over to whisper in Jinki’s ear.

“I figured!” Jinki said back, exasperated and already ready to go home. Kibum had dragged him out against his wishes.

“My final collection for this semester is due next week and every time I look at my unfinished ball gown and corset dress I want to eat my sewing machine, so can we please just go get trashed tonight.” he had whined earlier in the afternoon while they ate pizza in Kibum’s kitchen.

Jinki had grumbled about the crowds on a Friday night, and having to deal with getting Kibum home after he drank, but Kibum casually mentioned that Jonghyun might be there and Jinki had shut his mouth.

Kibum was on his third gin and tonic of the evening and Jinki had barely nursed his one beer, but seeing Jonghyun—looking like some kind of fairy made of light as he tossed his head back in laughter at what Haesol kept saying—made Jinki want to order all the soju in the bar and sit outside on the sidewalk, drinking it until he passed out.

He watched Jonghyun touch Haesol’s wrist suggestively as he passed a Long Island Iced Tea across the bar into Jonghyun’s hand. Jonghyun took a sip from it, and leaned in to whisper something in Haesol’s ear. As he pulled away, Haesol laughed and clasped one of Jonghyun’s hands in his own, bringing it up to his lips to kiss it.

“I’m gonna be sick,” Jinki said to Kibum.

Kibum wasn’t even paying attention. He was laughing at a group of buff, shirtless foreigners who were dancing on top of a table to the Twice song that was blasting through the club’s speakers.

“They don’t even know the choreography!” Kibum shouted in disbelief, smacking his thigh and spilling some of his drink as he continued to cackle.

Jinki finished off his beer and signaled the nearest bartender for another.

 

“Hyung….hyung…” Kibum was leaning against the subway pole again, and Jinki wasn’t sure how he was even able to hold himself up.

They were on the train back to Kibum’s house after Jinki had seen Jonghyun leaving with Haesol out of a side exit, Haesol’s hand slipped neatly into the back pocket of Jonghyun’s jeans—knocking their hips together as they walked and Jonghyun chattered up at him.

Jinki was looking at the subway car’s floor, tracing the dust patterns of people’s shoes and the specks of black and grey detailed in the tile. Everything was kind of hazy and swimming behind his eyes and he couldn’t remember if he ordered one or two bottles of soju all for himself earlier.

“Hyung!” Kibum practically yelled. Thankfully there was no one else in their area of the train besides a small group of talkative college students and an old woman asleep four seats down.

“What?” Jinki mumbled, not looking up from where he was training his eyes to focus on a stained spot of the floor near his shoe.

“What are you thinking about?” Kibum whispered fiercely, leaning forward to try and make Jinki look up at him.

A moment passed and Jinki said nothing.

“Are you thinking about how Jonghyun has a tight ?” Kibum tried, swinging his purse towards Jinki so it would hit him in the shoulder.

Jinki didn’t even have the energy to swat it away or complain about Kibum’s dirty mouth. “No,” he mumbled, still trying to focus on how the stain near his shoe looked kind of like a diamond.

Kibum was quiet for a minute, seeming to give up on pestering it out of Jinki. He leaned back against the subway pole and closed his eyes, willing his future headache away.

They were two stops away from Kibum’s when Jinki’s drunkenness made him speak when he didn’t want to.

“Kibum,” he started. “Do you think Jonghyun likes me?”

He sounded like a middle schooler talking about his first crush, but sometimes it was how Jonghyun made him feel and he definitely had three bottles of soju, not two, and he couldn’t get Jonghyun’s new song out of his head after he heard it playing in the CU down the street from his apartment two nights before.

Jinki was waiting for Kibum to start laughing at him and not stop until they arrived back at his house, but the laugh never came.

Kibum just sighed. “I don’t know hyung, why don’t you ask him yourself.”

 

---

 

“We’re having a Christmas party,” Kibum announced matter-of-factly while they were all crowded around a table at the hot pot restaurant a couple blocks down from Jinki’s apartment.

Kibum was adding heaps of leafy spinach to the steaming broth. He pointed a chopstick at Jinki accusingly. “And hyung is going to come.”

“Did I say I wasn’t?” Jinki asked, stirring some silvery shrimp and mushrooms in.

“No, but you had that look on your face,” Kibum said. “Like you were about to make up some excuse.”

Jinki didn’t say anything. He just watched the ingredients in the pot swim around as it boiled and bubbled. He wondered what kind of meats and vegetables Jonghyun liked in his hot pot, if they would like the same things.

“Jonghyun will be there,” Kibum seemed to read his mind.

Jinki opened his mouth, but then stopped himself and narrowed his eyes at Kibum—clenching his fist on the table and flicking his gaze over to Minho and Taemin. They were cooking pieces of meat innocently.

Kibum arched an eyebrow at Jinki with that meddling little look on his face, and the end of his chopstick into his mouth.

“Is Jonghyun hyung’s drag queen?” Minho suddenly piped up, a teasing glint in his eyes.

“No—” Jinki tried to stop this before it started.

“Hyung has a drag queen?” Taemin asked before Jinki could get a word in.

Kibum just cackled.

Jinki sighed. He hadn’t seen Jonghyun since that night he watched him leave with Haesol at Why Not, and Kibum hadn’t brought up their drunken subway conversation until now. Jinki had wanted to keep it that way.

“Jonghyun is Jinki-hyung’s boy toy,” Kibum explained. “But, he’s too nervous to ask him out.”

“He’s not—” Jinki looked at Minho and Taemin pointedly. “He’s not my boy toy.”

Kibum and Minho just smirked at each other. Taemin plastered a hand against Jinki’s forehead and closed his eyes. He made a troubled face.

“Ah, hyung. Your energies are way off. It’s like a storm of chaos in there.”

Jinki peeled Taemin’s sweaty fingers off of his face and tossed his hand back to him.

“My energies are just fine Taemin, thank you,” he said with a huff.

Taemin pursed his lips and gave a slow shake of his head, his eyes solemn. “I wouldn’t be so sure,” he said. “I have a nice lavender basil salve that I made a few days ago. It would really calm your spirit.”

“I don’t think—”

“I already asked The Goddess to bless it so you should be good to go,” Taemin assured him, staring at him with those haunting eyes.

Kibum looked like he was trying not to laugh as he dished out a bowl for himself. Jinki picked up his chopsticks and gave Taemin a small smile. “Thanks, Taemin I’m sure it will be great.”

“You’re welcome.”

Jinki turned to face Kibum with a death glare.

“See? All the more reason for you to come.” he said happily, dipping a bite of sliced beef and spinach in some sauce and shoving it into his mouth.

“Yeah, right,” Jinki said dryly. “I’ll need to pick up my salve.”

Taemin grinned.

Kibum pointed his chopstick at Jinki again. “Christmas Eve, 10 o’clock sharp. Be there.”

 

---

 

Jinki showed up to the party a half an hour after it started, feeling itchy and frumpy in his red knit sweater. He had Kibum’s gift tucked under his arm and the entire ride to the house had been spent sweating from his armpits so badly he was afraid it had seeped into the wrapping paper.

On the subway he had seen a straight couple kissing. The man had his hand pressed into the small of the woman’s back, pulling her flush against him as he on her lips and held onto the handrail above his head. She had been giggling, cheeks red and coat slipping off her shoulder to reveal a little black party dress.

Jinki had tried to look away. He wondered what Jonghyun would be wearing at the party.

“Finally, hyung,” is how Kibum greeted him once he threw open the front door. He was wearing an elf’s hat, green and red with gold trim and tilted stylishly on the side of his head. He was holding a thin glass of champagne and had that giggly half-drunk way about him already. “I was just about to call you.”

Jinki smiled sheepishly and handed his small, neatly wrapped present over. It was a set of matching leather gloves for him and Minho. He had seen Kibum eyeing them in a shop window the day they had been to Hongdae together, and he went back to buy them a few days later.

Kibum closed the door behind Jinki and leaned against it for a moment, crossing his legs and looking at him with a softened expression. Jinki noticed his shiny red shorts and the tinsel wrapped around his neck. Kibum stuck out his hand, showcasing a gold chain bracelet laced with delicate cuts of sapphire and diamond.

“Look at what Minho got me,” he said with a bright smile, watching how the Christmas lights strung up in the hallway glinted off the gemstones. “He wanted to offer to buy the house again but I told him, like I always do—”

“That being the son of Korea’s wealthiest CEO is nothing to brag about, and that you don’t want my father’s money funding your entire existence,” Minho finished Kibum’s sentence as he came down the stairs, dressed in an ugly Christmas sweater with two poodles on it.

Kibum smirked up at him.

“Merry Christmas, hyung,” Minho said to Jinki before crossing over to stand in front of Kibum. He wrapped an arm around his waist and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. Kibum curled into his embrace and laid his free hand on his chest.

“Whose money do you think bought that bracelet, though?” Minho teased, raising a knowing eyebrow at Jinki.

Kibum rolled his eyes, but there was a wide smile on his face, so big it made his eyes crinkle with delight.

“Yours, I’m sure,” Kibum quipped back, swinging an arm around Minho’s neck to pull him in for a kiss. Minho laughed into his mouth and tugged Kibum closer to him by pressing a big hand to the small of his back, and it was all much too familiar for Jinki.

He abruptly his heel and headed down the hallway.

“Beer’s in the fridge, hyung!” he heard Kibum call after him. Jinki raised his hand in acknowledgement as he walked to the kitchen.

The first thing Jinki saw when he entered the kitchen was the slope of Jonghyun’s exposed back, peeking through a thin deep wine colored sweater that was open from the top of his shoulders to the base of his spine and Jinki couldn’t remember how to breathe.

Jonghyun was talking to a dangerously handsome older-looking man with a sharply cut jaw and big eyes framed by a thin sweep of black eyeliner. Jonghyun was holding a glass of rosé and laughing at every word the older man said.

Jinki snuck by them as quietly as he could and opened the fridge door. The kitchen wasn’t very crowded, just Jonghyun and the man, and a few other people in a corner eating snacks and chatting. They looked young and fashionable—Kibum’s school friends, he guessed. Jinki felt in over his head.

An SNSD song started playing from the living room, and Jinki heard Kibum’s barking voice begin to instruct, shouting the choreography moves and dance counts as he turned the music up louder.

He was just about to leave the kitchen, to find a spot on the couch where he could sit and watch Kibum’s shenanigans in peace, when he heard that sweet, lilting voice.

“Ah, Lee Jinki-ssi!”

Jinki gulped, and turned around. Jonghyun was standing there, arms crossed neatly in front of him and glass of wine perched in one of his pretty hands. His sweater dipped low in the front too, revealing a cute birthmark in between his collarbones and the expanse of his muscular chest. He wore tight black jeans and dainty heeled boots as always. Jinki clenched his beer bottle.

“Merry Christmas,” Jonghyun said, toothy smile making his whole face shine.

Jinki nodded his head. “Merry Christmas,” he said stiffly.

Jonghyun giggled, then reached out to wrap his fingers around Jinki’s wrist. Jinki felt all of his veins burn with heat at the innocent touch. He smiled awkwardly.

“Ah..”

“Let’s talk comfortably,” Jonghyun said, voice pitched slightly lower and eyes soft as he looked at Jinki, thumb pressed against the hollow of Jinki’s wrist. Jinki couldn’t take his eyes off of the silver chain bracelet Jonghyun wore, and how one of his nails was painted black with gold glitter on top.

“Y-yes,” Jinki agreed. He wasn’t even sure how old Jonghyun was, but he figured no matter what he asked—Jinki would agree instantly.

He tried to smile up at Jonghyun, but when he looked into his eyes he felt like his knees were going to give out. Jonghyun was wearing a thin layer of pink eyeshadow and his lips were wet with a sheer coating of gloss.

“Good!” Jonghyun exclaimed, pulling back and dropping Jinki’s wrist. It flopped down to his side pitifully, as if completely worthless and unusable now that Jonghyun had stopped touching it.

“I’ve just been getting so used to seeing your face.” He winked playfully at Jinki and Jinki felt like his heart was about to stop.

“Y-you too,” Jinki could not speak.

Jonghyun just kept smiling. “Come on, there’s someone I want you to meet,” he said, turning swiftly on his heel to face the man he’d been talking to earlier. Jinki followed.

“This is my Wheesung-hyung,” Jonghyun said cutely, a nervous little laugh tumbling out of him after he said it, like he was testing the waters by speaking that way. “This is Lee Jinki, the software engineer I was telling you about.”

The man—Wheesung—bowed politely to Jinki. “Nice to meet you.”

Jinki bowed back, feeling sweat collecting in the palms of his hands. “Nice to meet you, too.”

“Hyung and I used to make music together when I was just starting my band,” Jonghyun rambled, sipping from his wine glass and bouncing back and forth on his feet. “He taught me so much about songwriting.”

From the way Wheesung was looking at Jonghyun, Jinki guessed that he had taught him more than just songwriting.

His eyes traced the line of Jonghyun’s body as he talked, following his movements with an appreciative smile that reached his eyes and told Jinki all he needed to know about the nights the two had shared together. He felt jealousy burn in his gut.

Wheesung chuckled pleasantly, and reached out to touch Jonghyun’s arm. “Don’t flatter me,” he said. “You’ve always had a natural talent.”

Jonghyun giggled again and took a sip from his glass. Jinki’s sweater felt way too tight.

“If you’ll excuse me, I need to use the restroom,” he said as he turned around and bolted from the kitchen.

He heard Wheesung’s bellowing laugh follow him like a shadow.

 

Jinki hid in the bathroom until he figured Kibum would start asking questions. He grabbed another beer from the kitchen and headed to the living room where a karaoke machine was set up and Kibum was putting on a dramatic performance of Run Away With Me by Carly Rae Jepsen.

He took a seat on the couch and hoped he could camp out there for the remainder of the night while Jonghyun entertained his slew of y ex-boyfriends and Kibum got progressively more drunk.

One of Kibum’s college friends started a duet with him, and Jinki heard the clink of heeled boots on the hardwood floor before he saw Jonghyun plop down on the couch next to him. He was holding another glass of wine, and his cheeks were slightly flushed. Jinki wasn’t sure, but he thought Jonghyun’s top was also slipping down further than it had been before. There was glitter in his hair.

Jinki looked around for Wheesung. He was nowhere in sight.

“Wheesung went home,” Jonghyun said, eyes twinkling when he saw Jinki’s wandering look. “His wife is 3 weeks pregnant.”

Jinki let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Ah…” he said.

Jonghyun took a drink of wine, and leaned over so close to Jinki that Jinki could smell that perfume he’d been dreaming about for weeks. It was masculine and clean, but y and mysterious and it danced off Jonghyun’s glowing skin and traveled throughout Jinki’s whole body. He almost shuddered.

“Jinki-hyung,” Jonghyun said. “I really like your sweater.”

Jinki blushed furiously, and looked down at his chest. He had received the sweater from his mom for his birthday last year. He didn’t really think he should mention that.

“T-thank you,” he said instead, taking a sip of his beer to hide his face. He forced himself to look at Jonghyun. “I like yours too,” he blurted out.

Jonghyun beamed. He crowded even closer to Jinki on the couch and his wine sloshed around in his glass. “Isn’t it cute? I bought it that day I saw you and Kibum in Hongdae,” he exclaimed.

Jinki could smell the sweetness of the wine on Jonghyun’s breath and his only thought was how badly he wanted to taste it.

Jinki didn’t know what to say. “D-did Haesol buy it for you?” he asked, and immediately wanted to smack himself.

Jonghyun burst into peals of laughter. “No, he never buys me anything,” he said. “I did drag him into the store with me though.”

Before Jinki could make another stupid comment, he noticed Taemin’s shadowy figure from the corner of his eye. Jinki sighed as he approached, draped in a lacy black shawl with strings of beaded rosaries and necklaces that clinked together when he walked.

“Jinki-hyung,” he said, stopping in front of the couch, expression way too serious. “This is your Jonghyun?”

Jinki felt his whole body heat up from the inside out, and he gritted his teeth in annoyance. Jonghyun didn’t seem to notice, just started giggling into his slowly emptying glass.

“Hello,” he said, giving one of his polite head nods as a bow. “I’m Kim Jonghyun.”

Taemin nodded back, silver hoop earrings shimmering with the movement of his head.

“This is Kibum’s roommate,” Jinki explained, much to his dismay. “Taemin.”

“Your auras are so pink right now,” Taemin said. “I could sense them clearly from across the room.”

Jonghyun scrambled up from his slouched position excitedly. “Wait, aura reading? I’ve always wanted to know how to do that!”

Taemin gave Jinki a sly, evil little smile. “I can teach you, if you’d like,” he said to Jonghyun. Jinki wanted to scream.

“What does pink mean?” Jonghyun continued, leaning forward to look more directly at Taemin and touching thighs with Jinki in the process. Jinki in a breath.

“First of all, pink is connected to the heart,” Taemin began, drawing a circle on his chest to demonstrate. Jonghyun nodded furiously. Taemin looked at Jinki out of the corner of his eye. “I like to call it the Lover’s Aura,” he continued.

“Taemin—”

“If your aura has pink in it, there could be romance in your future.”

Jonghyun’s entire face lit up at that and Jinki desperately wanted to sink so low into the couch that he melded with it for eternity.

“That’s incredible,” Jonghyun gushed at Taemin, reaching out to touch his hand earnestly.

Taemin jumped a bit at the unexpected contact, and Jinki felt satisfied that he knew at least some of his pain as Jonghyun’s thigh continued to sear heat up the whole left side of Jinki’s body.

“I’m just very in touch with the Universe,” Taemin said. He clasped a hand around the moon pendant on his neck. “All you have to do is listen when it speaks.” He gave Jinki a pointed look.

Jinki downed the last of his beer in response, and tried to ignore how Jonghyun’s awestruck smile filled up his face as Taemin slithered back down to his basement.

 

At 12 AM, Jinki was taking another bathroom break after Haesol arrived and Jonghyun had jumped up from the couch to greet him with an excited grin. Haesol had brought more alcohol and half of the living room had flocked to the kitchen to take advantage.

Music was playing even louder than before once Jinki clicked the bathroom door shut and tried to slink back into the living room. Jonghyun was there again of course, much drunker than earlier and shaking his hips in front of Haesol who Jinki decided was a total for wearing sunglasses inside, at night.

“Jinki-hyung!” Jonghyun suddenly exclaimed once he caught sight of Jinki standing in the doorway like a deer caught in headlights.

Jonghyun practically fell into him as he ran over, draping his arms around Jinki’s neck and breathing hard from all the dancing he’d been doing. He was completely flushed from his chest to his cheeks and his eyes were all watery and bright and Jinki couldn’t handle feeling his hands all over him.

He chanced a worried glance up at Haesol, but he was completely oblivious—back turned to them and dancing with a woman Jinki had seen in the kitchen earlier when he had first arrived.

“You wanna know something?” Jonghyun asked, and his voice slurred a bit at the end of his sentence. Jinki couldn’t take his eyes off of him.

“W-what is it?” Jinki replied, trying not to touch Jonghyun anymore than Jonghyun was already touching him.

Jonghyun was so close that Jinki could smell perfume, wine and soju all at once and his brain was fuzzy as he watched how the Christmas lights and the disco ball on the ceiling reflected off the strands of Jonghyun’s hair. They were so close that Jinki could lean in and kiss him if he were drunk and stupid enough. He placed two hands on Jonghyun’s shoulders to steady him.

“You’re,” Jonghyun began, hiccuping as he got the word out. “Really so handsome.”

Jinki’s heart thudded frantic against his chest. The first thing he thought was that Jonghyun was incredibly drunk, and Kibum’s words from the coffee shop echoed in his mind.

Jonghyun’s a flirt, hyung. I don’t know what else to say.

He was a flirt. He flirted with everyone. He was so pretty, and he was drunk and Jinki was a warm body that was familiar to him, and that was all.

“I—” Jinki started. “Thank you.”

He wanted to pry Jonghyun’s fingers off from around him, but he liked how they fit perfectly at the place where his shoulders met his neck and Jonghyun was blinking up at him and Jinki wanted to hear him say what he had just said one more time.

“I told you I liked your sweater,” Jonghyun continued, and he used his leverage on Jinki’s shoulders to pull himself up straighter and knock his hips against Jinki’s as he talked. He stumbled when he tried to steady himself, but Jinki grabbed his elbow on impulse.

Jonghyun’s expression softened at that. “But, I like how it compliments your eyes even better.”

Jinki heard himself let out a nervous awkward laugh and he tried to look away from Jonghyun’s open and honest face, but it was like he was rooted to his spot—clutching to Jonghyun’s limbs so he wouldn’t fall to the ground and trying to remind himself that this was nothing special like he wanted it to be.

Jinki opened his mouth to reply, but Jonghyun lifted a finger to his parted lips and made a “shhh” sound.

“Also,” he said, flicking his eyes around the room and turning his head behind him to look at the basement door in the hallway. “Taemin is really onto something with that aura stuff. I think I should become a witch too, what do you think?”

He dissolved into helpless little giggles and Jinki felt him trip as he caught the heel of his boot on a rough spot in the hardwood floor. Before Jinki could grab his arm to hold him, Jonghyun was staggering and landing on the floor with a soft thud.

Jinki felt his cheeks burn as people around the room—including Haesol—turned to look in their direction. Jonghyun just burst into a fit of silly laughter and Jinki felt like a total idiot not for the first time that night.

Haesol was the one to help Jonghyun up, smiling good-naturedly like he’d seen Jonghyun do this a million times, and Jonghyun was turning that bright and lively face up at him instead of Jinki and Jinki decided to go sulk in the kitchen.

He was letting it get to him, and that was the worst part. He felt embarrassed and angry and sad and lonely all at once and there was a bottle of open soju on the kitchen counter and he twisted the lid off too forcefully, sending it flying across the counter and onto the kitchen tile.

Kibum had entered the room without Jinki knowing, and as he poured himself a shot glass full of soju, he spoke.

“Jonghyun’s very drunk.”

Jinki snorted at that. “Yeah, I know,” he knocked back his glass. “He was just flirting with me.”

Kibum choked out a laugh. “And that’s a problem because…?”

“Because,” Jinki replied, exasperated. “You said it yourself. He flirts with everyone.”

Kibum rounded the kitchen counter to stand in front of Jinki and look at him straight in the eyes.

“He was just asking for you. He wants to dance with you.”

Jinki felt his cheeks heat up, and he shakily poured himself another glass. “He can dance with Haesol.”

“You’re literally impossible, hyung.”

“I’m just being realistic.”

“What’s your version of reality, then?” Kibum said back sharply.

“He has so many guys all over him, Kibum. All the time,” Jinki blurted out. He looked down at the kitchen counter where there were stray potato chip crumbs spilled haphazardly. “Why would he pick me?”

Kibum stared at him for a moment, contemplating. Jinki didn’t look up. Neither of them spoke.

Kibum quietly left the room while Jinki watched the way the patterns on the kitchen countertop bled into each other much like the dirt and specks of grey and black bled into each other on the floor of every subway car.

He thought about the first time he ever kissed anyone, sitting on the bleachers in the high school courtyard late at night. It had been past self-study hours and he was all alone with his classmate who had brought extra kimbap from home.

Jinki had been so hungry as he had stared at his math worksheets until his eyes had blurred, and the boy had offered to share since they were the last two out of the building.

It had been a warm spring night, and Jinki’s uniform jacket had felt sticky and tight on him as he had leaned in to take the piece of kimbap from the foil the boy was holding. He had sat next to Jinki, so close their thighs brushed, and after Jinki had eaten his piece the boy had kept staring at him, like he was looking for something in his eyes.

Jinki had flushed red and looked down at his sneakers, hand twitching at his side. A moment had passed, and he could feel the boy blushing and looking at his own shoes too. Jinki had reached a hand out shyly to touch fingers with him, and he had startled.

Their heads had snapped up at the same second, like they had just been caught by a third party, but no one was watching except the moon up in the sky.

They had looked at each other carefully, too afraid to speak words. Jinki had made the first move, leaning in close enough that he could smell the aftershave the boy had no doubt lathered on clumsily—trying to feel more mature at this awkward stage of life.

The boy had blinked at him but his expression was blank. Jinki didn’t know what that meant but he carefully and deliberately pressed a chaste kiss to his lips, and pulled away with flushed cheeks.

The boy had let out a startled breath and stared at Jinki with wide eyes. Jinki had immediately felt shame and rapidly building confusion curl in his gut. He didn’t know if he had made a mistake or not.

The boy had bit his lip like he was contemplating, but he never said a word.

He had jumped up from his seat and slung his bag over his shoulder, leaving the leftover kimbap behind as he disappeared down the street and into the night.

Jinki had wanted to say something, but was glued to his seat in fear and embarrassment. He felt a shaky sigh leave his lips as he looked down at the food. He wondered if it was a peace offering.

He saw that boy every single day for the rest of high school, but they never exchanged a word. Not even Kibum knew about it. It had seemed wrong to tell him, like he was revealing someone else’s secret.

Jinki knew he was a careful person. He had always been careful. He could be silly or clumsy sometimes, but he could keep a secret and he never let slip the things about himself that he didn’t know how to phrase.

Maybe that’s why he never talked about that night. He didn’t know what to say, and he was careful about his words so if the right ones weren’t there he wouldn’t waste his breath.

It was like he never knew the right words. His emotions became caught between his heart and his throat and he could never loosen them.

He had dated when him and Kibum moved to Seoul. He’d met a few different men, but he could never get past the feeling that they were looking through him and he was looking through them—both of them needing something else but not knowing what it was.

Kibum had met Minho his second year of college. Somehow, it had seemed easy for them. Jinki had become exhausted with all the things he didn’t know and couldn’t find out how to say.

Jinki fell asleep an hour later on Kibum’s couch while he watched Jonghyun twirl around in Minho’s arms and bump hips with Haesol and Youngbae as The Wonder Girls blasted through Kibum’s speakers and the disco ball cast dizzying patches of light across Jonghyun’s skin.

 

---

 

Jinki was awoken by the bright light of the early morning piercing through his eyelids from the open window behind his position on the couch. He was slouched haphazardly with one leg threatening to touch the floor and a crooked arm smashed against his ear.

He groaned as he sat up and rubbed sleep and headache from his eyes. His phone was slipping out of his back pocket and the blinding blue light of the screen broadcast that it was 7 in the morning.

Jinki’s staggered into the kitchen and filled a glass with water. He looked at the empty potato chip bags and soju bottles strewn across the countertop and remembered seeing Jonghyun’s dazzling smile flashing in front of his eyes before he passed out.

He stared out the kitchen window and sipped slowly at his water.

He watched the sun reflect off the cup in his hand, light molecules slipping through the clear glass and the water inside—effortless and easy.

“Good morning.”

Jinki jumped out of his thoughts when heard the voice. Of course.

He turned around and Jonghyun was leaning against the entryway to the kitchen, hair mussed from sleep and lips tilted in a smile.

He was wearing a red t-shirt that Jinki recognized from Kibum’s closet, and black cotton shorts that left his legs bare. His thighs peeked out from the hem of them, and sparse hair covered his slender calves. Jinki felt like he was seeing something that wasn’t meant for him—but for someone else he didn’t know.

“Good morning,” Jinki managed to say back.

Jonghyun giggled a little. The air felt very still around them, as if the house was holding its breath, waiting patiently.

“Coffee and breakfast?” Jonghyun asked, nodding his head in the direction of the front door. “It’s on me.”

Jinki knew he shouldn’t. He knew he shouldn’t, but the t-shirt was falling off of Jonghyun’s shoulder and the Christmas Day sunlight was pouring in through the kitchen window and brushing against his bare skin and all Jinki could think about was how much he wanted to cross the distance to lean in and kiss him.

“Sounds great.”

 

Jonghyun put jeans on, and they walked to the café just across the street from Kibum’s house. They sat in a corner booth, pressed up against the window where the sun glinted off the bracelet on Jonghyun’s wrist.

“You’ll have to give me a recommendation on what to order,” Jonghyun said. “I’ve never been here before.”

Jinki laughed. He had been here, countless times in fact. Many of them featuring an incredibly hungover and cranky Kibum.

He had been here a lot. It was his favorite café in the city. He didn’t know how Jonghyun seemed to know that.

“I always get the strawberry waffles,” Jinki said, leaning across the table to point at the listing on Jonghyun’s menu. He kept his finger pressed against the plastic for a beat longer than intended. Jonghyun caught his eyes and smiled his warm smile.

“That sounds wonderful.”

Jinki blushed. He settled back in his seat, lifting his coffee cup to his lips. Jonghyun was still looking at him.

“My band is playing a show on New Year’s Eve,” Jonghyun said. “You should come.”

“Is it at Queen again?” Jinki asked, thinking about how crowded it had been and the way men always looked at Jonghyun the way Jinki wanted to look but was too scared to.

Jonghyun laughed, the sparkles in his eyes seeming even more luminous to Jinki than usual.

“No, no,” he said. “It’s not at Queen.” he had his arms folded on the table, and his head was tilted to the side as he regarded Jinki with one of his searching looks that made Jinki nervous.

Jinki smiled sheepishly.

“It’s um..” Jonghyun began, but he averted his eyes suddenly, looking down at the table. He tapped his fingers against the wood. “I could text you the address, if you’d like.”

Jinki blinked, confused. “But you don’t have my…”

Jonghyun was blushing. A pink color swept across his cheeks and reached the tips of his ears.

“Number,” Jonghyun finished Jinki’s sentence. “Yes.”

A beat of silence passed. Jonghyun was embarrassed, Jinki realized.

“I am such an idiot,” Jinki said.

Jonghyun erupted into a fit of giggles, covering his mouth with his hand as his eyes curved into little half-moons of amusement.

“No,” Jonghyun assured him. “You’re charming.”

Now, Jinki was blushing, but he didn’t want to take his eyes away from Jonghyun’s face this time.

“So…last night?” Jinki prompted, his brain trying to piece together every little moment.

Jonghyun blushed an even deeper color. “Ah, I was so drunk…” he said. “But I do think you’re. Very handsome.”

“Two strawberry waffles?”

The waitress interrupted them as she suddenly appeared and set their plates down. A nervous laugh tumbled out of Jinki at the absurdity of everything. Jonghyun laughed too and Jinki felt a sense of relief washing over him.

Jonghyun leaned across the table and spoke in a low whisper just like he had that day in Hongdae.

“I was trying to get you to dance with me all night,” he said, blush cute and pretty on his cheeks. “I thought maybe you didn’t...like me.”

Jinki stared at Jonghyun in disbelief. He felt his heart up in his throat. “I—I was nervous.”

Something about Jonghyun, flustered and sweet and eating Jinki’s favorite breakfast food in the whole world right in front of him made him want to ignore his lifelong carefulness.

“You’re—” Jinki began. “I think Taemin was right.”

Jonghyun looked at Jinki curiously for a moment, but his brow smoothed over after a beat and he laughed again.

“Romance in our future,” Jonghyun recited Taemin’s prediction. He looked at Jinki with a knowing grin, one that understood.

Jinki thought that he probably knew the words he needed to know now, or at least, that he could find them.

“Romance,” Jinki said with a small, satisfied nod of his head.

Jonghyun reached across the table and touched his fingers to the top of Jinki’s hand for just a moment, soft and searching and promising of something more.

Jinki smiled.