"Inside the 10 years, I was there..."

I was there when we are just couple of 10 years old kids dreaming about exploring the world or go to the moon. I was there the first time you took a step and walked inside the classroom because you are nervous on your first day of high school so you insisted us being classmates. You are so persistent that you even begged right in front of your parents to requests it to our head of school. You were so weird, to be honest. But I agreed anyway; because at least that way, I get to be with you.

I was there when you had your first ever art contest, it was when you won 1st place because you are such a good artist. The way you envision and view the world is so mesmerizing to me. You are a free-thinker, full of positivity and you understand things in a way that nobody would. Like how you understand me, effortlessly know my true colors.

I was also there when we discovered that we both have a talent with dancing. I remember that time because we were just supposed to practice in empty gym for our presentation to art class that may or may not involve moving our feet, but we end up to because out of blue, Red Velvet’s Red Flavor suddenly played, which in our defense our favorite song so we sang and danced along. Happily. Until we realized we’ve been dancing for an hour with different songs that played, yeah, even the slow music called “Perfect” by our boy, Ed.

We danced like we are in some kind of prom. With you holding my waist and my hand, whilst my left hand is resting at your shoulders. And both of our foreheads are connected to one another.

I was holding my breath the whole time because you are so close and it’s so dangerous for my heart.

After that, we made up our mind and tried joining a dance competition at school when we are just sophomores. And surprisingly (well not really) we won. And I know it’s not because of me, god no. It’s solely because of you. You were so dedicated, so into your dance that you moved so gently like the way you do it with your brushes. So calm and so smooth, but also little bit strong and firm.

The moment we stepped our feet on the stage, you already captured many hearts. I mean, I can’t blame them anyways because it’s you. You’ve always been a head turner. You moved so perfectly in tune with the beat. And to be honest if it’s not for the fact that I’m dancing there with you, I would’ve stop too, just to admire you.

 

It’s been going on for years.

Us, being together all the time.

Like nothing could ever separate us.

 

Not even our Science teacher who scolds you in front of class for eating at the back, which is entirely my fault because I was so hungry so you took the risk and eat with me. She asked you to go out and attend detention, and so without a thought, I volunteered to be with you too. I’d rather be with you than those boring classes anyway.

 

Until then.

I realized.

 

I was also there when you first discover what love is. And of course, I was still there when you experience being in love with someone, listening how much this certain girl's smile can light up your world. I was also there on your first heartbreak. We stayed up all night at the rooftop of your parent's house, drinking our sadness away with liquor. You with your break-up and me with seeing you breaking down because of the pain you don't deserve to feel.

I was there when you needed someone to comfort you. I was there when you wanted at least one person who will listen and helped you understand how ed up this world we're currently living in.

 

I was there with you. All the time. Supporting you, caring for you, and loving you unconditionally.

 

But then, I forgot; that I was also there when you first met her. I was there, right beside you, the first time your eyes landed on the most beautiful girl, standing right in front of the class when we were just mere college students. I saw how your eyes sparkled, how you gazed at her like she put the ing stars in the sky. I was there looking at you two, when you try and initiated a conversation with her. I even encouraged you to do it. I was there to give you push when you are looking for strength to ask her out. I was there when you yelled out loud in happiness in the middle of the night, lying on your bed (which is below mine) of our apartment room, because she finally agreed to date you officially.  I tried to sleep because I don’t want to listen to it, but you woke me up and we stay awake all night again, just you crushing about her.

I was also there to help you whenever you wanted to do a surprise with her. Even go to the lengths of wearing stupid dog costumes with a big head of her favorite dog, holding a large cupboard that says, “Happy Anniversary to us babe!”

 

Stupid of me, but I can’t help it.

Because I am stupidly in love with you.

So I’m aware that I've always been there, with you.

Even the time you decided to finally proposed to her.

 

"I need some strength" You said, trying to convince me to come with you in a proposal I will never be able to forget.

 

You are not satisfied that you’ve been hurting me for years now, and you still want me to there with you?

Are you ing stupid, Seulgi?

 

"You are with her. You don't need me for that" I said.

"Of course! I need you, Irene. You are my best friend. You've always been my source of strength"

"Yeah, your best friend and will always be your best friend" I tried not to scoff and sound sarcastically weird, but that just left a pang in my heart.

"Yes, exactly unnie. So you're coming with me?" Of course, with your innocent and dumb demeanor, you didn't notice that.

"Well what more can I do? I basically can't escape from you"

"Yes! I knew I could count on you. I love you Baechu-unnie"

 

Sometimes  I wished there's more to it than what you intended to.

 

"Yeah. I love you too, Seulgi..."

 

More than you'd ever know.

 

I was there when you are practicing and reciting your ever-loving promises, holding your hand when you're about to kill yourself from overwhelming nervousness. I was there,  looking at you, when you are staring at yourself in your phone’s camera view, chanting words such as, "Get your together, Seulgi" like you are some kind of person doing rituals.

I was there when your mind go frantic because she replied that she was already at the place where it will all happen. I was there, not so far away from the candlelight dinner you just prepared for the night that you two won't ever forget.

I was there, capturing the moment with a camera you've given me on my 20th birthday. Surprisingly, I was still there when you kneeled and asked for her hand in marriage and when the tears in her eyes staring to fall across her cheeks, when she nodded her head excitedly, meaning she said yes.

 

I stood still, right in that position, even if I can already hear my heart getting broken again and again because I chose to just be there. With you, every time.

And like a woman fool in love, I still agreed on being there beside you when you had your wedding. When the vows came up, you said, "10 years and I still love you"

 

A sentence that I never knew could affect me this much.

With that, I asked myself.

 

So when you say that '10 years and I still love you,' where was I?

 

But then, I realized, you did love me. It's just that— not really the way I wanted you to because even though I was there, she was too. The woman you've been in love with since we were college. The woman you never failed to choose of coming back to.

And it hurts. It hurts so much and so often that I just gave up reaching, longing for your affection. Because I know that no matter how many times I chose to be there with you, Chou Tzuyu will always be that woman for you.

 

~