i wonder when it started?

 

she squints her eyes from the burning glare of the sun as hyejin leaves the curtain open even though she has told her a lot of times that she prefers to have it close in the morning. her girlfriend must have done it on purpose so that she would wake up instead of sleeping in. 

 

"morning, babe," she mumbles half-asleep and kisses hyejin's cheek when she checked up on her.

 

"morning, i made you breakfast." 

 

hyejin was all dressed up. byulyi pouts and starts to sulk, her arms crossed at her chest.

 

"what?" hyejin chuckles as she picks up her bag, ready to go.

 

"you won't join me?" byulyi doesn't like to do cute things but if it is for hyejin then puppy eyes it is. instead of a yes, hyejin presses a kiss on her temple and smiles apologetically.

 

"sorry, babe. the show is fast approaching and i have practice," she explains.

 

byulyi sighs and nods in understanding.

 

"i know. just thought that i'd give it a shot," she smiles sheepishly, "anyways, text me later when you are free."

 

"i will. bye."

 

byulyi eats her breakfast in silence. it would have been better if her dogs are there but since the two of them are living together, she could not have four dogs stay because hyejin is allergic to them.  but then again they will probably prefer staying together with her parents because they are spoiled rotten there.

 

byulyi hums thinking whether she should surprise hyejin later but then she remembers how much her girlfriend dislikes surprises.

 

 maybe next time.

 

//

 

"okay, tilt your head a bit!" she instructs, "yes. that's it! good job, solar-ssi!" the singer-model comes over to monitor the shots taken by byulyi. she cringes as she is not used to calling yongsun in her stage name as both of them has been friends since yongsun was a rookie. they even agreed to speak casually over a drink before yongsun was gone after 2 shots of soju.

 

she hears her whistle, "as expected," yongsun claps and nods her head to show acknowledgment to byulyi's skill. if she has three hands then she will give byulyi three thumbs up. yongsun is impressed, to say the least. byulyi has gotten even better even though the younger woman has always excelled at this field.

 

"come on, you're such a charismatic woman. all i have to do is take a shot."

 

yongsun shakes her head in disagreement, "you're too humble, byulyi-ah,"

 

"that's right, unnie!" wheein, yongsun's personal assistant and hyejin's bestfriend chimes in before giving the model a bottle of water. "even yongsun-unnie says so and that already speaks a lot because unnie never gives out empty praises! now, stop downplaying yourself!"

 

byulyi, a bit taken aback by their eagerness, chuckles, her cheeks warming up by their praises, "uh, thank you. that means a lot."

 

"oh yeah, by the way," she almost forgot about it, "hyejin's show is fast approaching. will you be able to go next week?" she asks wheein.

 

"of course! but i told her i won't be able to go because of yongsun unnie's schedule," wheein replies then winks at byulyi, "it will be my surprise for her."

 

byulyi shakes her head as she laughs, "that must be why she was down last time! you're mean!" wheein laughs when byulyi playfully jabs her shoulder for pulling a trick on her girlfriend.

 

"and she really used me for her plan," yongsun glares at her assistant disapprovingly before the corner of her lips were tugged upwards as wheein smiles sheepishly at her.

 

byulyi leaves the two of them for a while as she talks with one of the staff regarding some issues then returns shortly only to find out that they are still there. she chuckles when she notices wheein's lingering gaze on yongsun as the latter drinks her water. 

 

"thanks, wheein-ah," yongsun softly gazes back, giving back the bottle to her. byulyi stops herself from smiling too much when she sees how yongsun deliberately grazes wheein's hand.

 

"uh, solar-ssi? don't you have to change your outfit now?" byulyi kindly reminds them that they are still in the middle of their work and at the same time tease them.

 

"y-yes! wheein-ah, can you accompany me now?"

 

"y-yes! uh, i'll see you later, byulie-unnie!"

 

and they were the ones who told her to remain professional while at work.

 

"we'll be back after 10 minutes!" she tells the staff before sitting back on her chair, checking the raw photos as she waits for yongsun to finish up.

 

//

 

"congrats, babe!" byulyi welcomes her girlfriend with open arms and a wide smile. "you were awesome back there on stage," she whispers when hyejin hugs her. she could not help but look at her with so much pride. if she could only scream that the lead right there is her girlfriend then she would have done that a long time ago already.

 

"thank you. i was really nervous," hyejin then proceeds to show her shaky hands, "i was afraid that i'll screw it up," she pulls away and grimaces as she recalls that she almost made a mistake back then.

 

"but you didn't. you did great, babe."

 

"wheeinie!" hyejin smiles widely as she sees her bestfriend coming towards them. "you came!" 

 

wheein says surprise! then pulls hyejin in an embrace and kisses her cheek to congratulate her, "of course! how could i miss your show? you did great, hyejin-ah."

 

"thank you," hyejin replies, hugging her friend tight. byulyi smiles fondly at the two of them. they really treasure each other so much.

 

"hyejin-ah, congrats on your show! you really shine on stage," yongsun gives her the bouquet that wheein personally chose for her.

 

"thank you, yongsun-unnie."

 

"should the four of us have dinner together?" byulyi suggested but unfortunately they could not since hyejin has to attend their after-party to celebrate the success of their show.

 

"it's alright! we can do it next time," 

 

wheein and yongsun went home first since the latter needs to rest since she has a busy schedule tomorrow while byulyi enters her car to go back to their apartment after saying goodbye to her girlfriend.

 

[text or call me after you are done. i'll pick you up. i love you.]

 

she waits for her reply but nothing came so she started driving. only when she arrived in front of the door that her phone vibrated.

 

[okay. maybe we'll finish up around 1 am. bye.]

 

byulyi cooks a simple dinner then watches a rerun of a show to pass some time. 

 

//

 

why did i not notice it before?

 

hyejin closes her eyes, mouth slightly open as she grabs anything she could find to keep her grounded. byulyi gasps at the beautiful sight of hyejin under her as she keeps on ing her fingers inside while her other hand plays with her hardened nub.

 

byulyi knows that she is near. there is a subtle change in her breath and the way hyejin gasps for air every time she enters her gets sharper in her ears. 

 

"i-i'm coming!" hyejin moans, her eyes losing focus as she reaches her peak.

 

byulyi lets her ride her , fingers ing painfully slow. she gives hyejin a chaste kiss on the corner of her lips before she gets up so that she can clean her up. 

 

the bed dips slightly as byulyi lays on her side and spoons a sleeping hyejin. she plays with her hair then moves down to the expanse of her back, her fingers tracing the characters of her name.

 

moon byulyi.

 

she closes her eyes, pulling hyejin impossibly closer than before then buries her face on her black mane. 

 

i love you.

 

//

 

where did i go wrong?

 

"hey, hyej. i'm sorry," byulyi pulls hyejin's wrist before she could even close the door.

 

it's their 4th anniversary. byulyi prepared a small surprise for hyejin who has been busy for the past few months because of her career as a theatre actress. she thought that it may help her forget even just for a tiny bit— the stress that she has gotten from it— through a small surprise. it was nothing grand because she knows how hyejin dislikes it. she just took hyejin to her favorite restaurant and in the middle of their dinner, she went up to the stage and sang a song despite the fear she has with a crowd. for hyejin, she is willing to overcome her fears.

 

byulyi does not know when and what exactly happened but by the end of their dinner, hyejin was already irritated by her.

 

"i-i don't know what i did wrong. will you tell me? i promise to fix it!" she did not mind how pathetic she looked or sounded. all she wanted to do was to make hyejin happy.

 

"i'm tired, unnie. let's talk later," hyejin pulls her hand away and closes the door, leading byulyi alone in the living room.

 

[unnie! how did it go?]

 

[idk what happened but i ed it up :( ]
[she got angry]

 

[???]
[i'm sorry to hear that]

 

[maybe i did something wrong]

 

[i really thought that she would like it tho]
[hyejin used to tell me that she really loves it when someone sings for her]
[i'm sorry it did not work :( ]

 

[it's alright pup. thank you for helping out. i'll treat you next time.]

 

she throws her phone on the couch.

 

you did not even remember that it's our anniversary.

 

hyejin said that they will talk later but it never came. not even when a month passed by.

 

//

 

byulyi plays with her phone when suddenly a figure sits in front of her.

 

"i'm sorry, unnie. i really thought that we'll finish early," hyejin says as soon as byulyi closes her phone.

 

"it's alright," i got used to it by now. "what do you want to eat? i'm hungry!" she adds, trying to lighten the atmosphere.

 

hyejin's phone rings. she mouths wheein and byulyi nods at her. she looks for anything appetizing in the menu but found none. hyejin was silent the whole call and so byulyi got curious.

 

"okay. i'll be there as soon as i can. just stay there, alright?" hyejin then waits for the call to end.

 

"is everything alright?"

 

"i"m sorry, unnie but i think i have to cut our date short. wheein..." hyejin looks lost and at the same time conflicted, "they broke up."

 

"oh," she breathes out. "i-it's alright. go and talk to wheein first. call me if anything happens."

 

"thanks, unnie."

 

"i love you," she says before hyejin leaves her a light peck on her cheek.

 

byulyi sighs and closes the menu before standing up, leaving the restaurant after waiting there for two hours.

 

//

 

"they got together again," hyejin tells her,  "wheeinie and yongsun-unnie, i mean."

 

"that's good to hear."

 

"...yeah."

 

she stares at hyejin for a while and that is when everything clicked. like pieces of a puzzle that are put together. she finally sees the picture.

 

ah.

 

she turns her back from hyejin.

 

"babe? i'll go out for a while. do you want me to buy you something?" she asks as she gets her keys without facing hyejin who is lounging on the couch, watching a drama.

 

"at this hour?" hyejin asks but ignored it after when she sees byulyi aby the door. "just don't go out for too long and you don't have to buy me anything. take care."

 

she drives, not turning her favorite playlist on. the silence seeps on her. her breath shaky as she forces herself to stop from tearing up. the lump on feels so painful. she steps out of her car— feeling suffocated from being there for too long. her lips quiver as she could not explain the pain she is feeling.

 

try she did yet a sob still escaped from her lips.

 

she breathes then drops of water starts to pour on her. 

 

why does it feel like thousands of needles are prickling her heart? it hurts. it hurts so bad. she gasps at the pain and kneels on the ground— her pants getting dirty by mud but she does not care. it is the least of her concern as of now.

 

why did i not realize this sooner?

 

it has always been like that from the very start. even before she started dating hyejin. it has always been wheein this, wheein that. wheein likes it when she wakes up all warm and snuggly on her bed until the last second she gets up. wheein never fails to order iced americano every morning. wheein likes her eggs not fully cooked and hates it every time the yolk pops. it is incredible how much byulyi knows a lot of things about wheein be it so trivial or mundane. it is all because of hyejin. she always talks about wheein even at the most random times. she may have shared it unconsciously as she is reminded about the things around her but byulyi now knows why.

 

"maybe she is thinking of wheein right now because wheein likes it every time it rains," she chokes out the words with immense agony.

 

she blinks back her tears.

 

she looks up at the starless night sky.

 

are these tears or are these raindrops?

 

"i love you... i love you but it hurts so much," she sobs and clutches her chest in pain.

 

the lights are turned off when she arrived at their apartment. hyejin is most probably asleep. byulyi is relieved after she checked their room before heading out to the kitchen to open the freezer to put the ice cream that she bought for her. hyejin always loved to have some ice cream when she is down.

 

byulyi chuckles sadly.

 

even at times when she is hurting, it has always been hyejin, hyejin, hyejin.

 

she cleans up then sleeps on the couch instead of their bed. hyejin does not ask her why the next day.

 

//

 

they flew to new zealand in december. the striking ocean view momentarily makes byulyi forget all the things that have worried her. it is amazing how the view can at least take her mind off even just for a second.

 

the scene is utterly breathtaking as the sun kisses the ocean— the reddish-orange sky meets the clear emerald water. the sound of the waves dancing along as it hits the boulder by the sea somehow reminds byulyi of the asmr videos she listens to when before she sleeps except that it is much better to hear in real life.

 

the subtle sound of the piano in the background then takes her back to where she is.

 

ah. today's both the happiest and saddest day for some people.

 

she now clearly sees it.

 

the way hyejin smiles yet her eyes does not reflect it at all. all byulyi could see is longing and hurt at the same time swirling in hyejin's very own eyes. the woman beside her tears up, mirroring the woman who is on the altar just that there is a stark difference in the reason for their tears. one is because she is going to end up with the love of her life while the other is broken as her love will never ever be reciprocated in this lifetime.

 

byulyi grasps hyejin's subtly shaking hand, hoping, hoping that it will lessen the pain she is feeling right now. she tries to fill every space between their hands just like how she is trying to fill hyejin's heart with her love. 

 

will this be enough?

 

the two of them stare at both yongsun and wheein speaking their vows to each other and every time she hears hyejin's breath hitch, her heart breaks a little.

 

"i love you," is what byulyi said to hyejin but she knows, she knows that deep inside her words are worth nothing to soothe the pain but still she whispers i love you's every now and then all throughout the wedding.

 

//

 

"hey, hyej!" she came running to the entrance to welcome hyejin who looks dead-tired. "i cooked dinner!"

 

"i... i don't have appetite, unnie," hyejin softly declines but this did not faze byulyi who pulled her to the kitchen.

 

"please? just eat a little?" she pleads, "you barely touched your breakfast earlier and i just know that you didn't have lunch today!" she nags.

 

hyejin forces a smile, "you know me so well."

 

"...of course."

 

"so how is it?" she waits as hyejin takes a bite. she breaks into a nervous smile when hyejin stares at her for while.

 

"i didn't know you know how to cook, unnie," hyejin comments before taking another spoonful of food. byulyi lets out a sigh of relief before following up an answer.

 

"well, what can i say? i used to work on a 5-star michelin restaurant, " she jokes making hyejin break into a burst of small laughter then hides her hands below the table as she continues to look at hyejin trying to eat. the accidental cuts and failed attempts she had earlier were all worth it as long as she sees hyejin smile.

 

//

 

as soon as she gets off from her work, she heads straight to her favorite and go-to flower shop. by how frequent she goes there, the owner and her children know byulyi by now.

 

"the usual?"

 

byulyi laughs, "yes, please." she looks around the shop as she waits for the elderly to finish her bouquet.

 

"ahjumma, what flower is this?" she picks up the sweet-smelling purple flower so that the woman could have a good look.

 

"oh, that's heliotrope. i think it means eternal love and devotion," the woman answers as she finishes up. "take a few, it's on the house." byulyi refuses at first but somehow she ended up going home with the usual bouquet of pink camellias and a bunch of heliotrope on her hands.

 

she could not stop smiling as hyejin enters the room with a surprised look on her face.

 

"unnie?"

 

instead of answering her, byulyi takes her hand and leads her to the middle of the room, and have her seated. the candlelit living room and hyejin's favorite jazz in the background creates the perfect mood for a  simple dinner date.

 

"whoa," hyejin gasps as byulyi places the dish she cooked on the table. "this is amazing, unnie!" 

 

cooking has always been byulyi's enemy but when hyejin had shown interest and continuously praised her subpar then skills, she figured that she practice more so that she can cook delicious food for hyejin. byulyi can say the least that she is a decent cook now.

 

"will you humor me to a dance?" she asks hyejin and brightens up when the younger woman takes her offered hand. 

 

"i would love to."

 

hyejin leans her head on byulyi's chest as the latter leads the dance. they just sway side by side, dancing along with the slow beat of the song in the background yet it captures everything byulyi wanted.

 

with hyejin in her arms— close, so close that she can feel her heart beating the same rhythm as hers. it is byulyi's favorite sound to listen to in this world.

 

"i love you," she whispers as they both lay in bed, eyes close as they welcome a peaceful slumber.

 

//

 

byulyi is a nervous wreck. she could not stop bouncing her legs up and down as she waits in front of the microwave.

 

"just play it cool, moon byulyi. you can do it," she could not be bothered even if someone calls her a fool for talking to herself. 

 

beep. beep.

 

the sound tells her that the popcorn is ready and at the same time hyejin comes out from their room who just finished showering after finishing her last show today. byulyi suggested earlier that instead of going out for dinner to celebrate her success, they could have just a cozy movie marathon tonight. 

 

"it has everything you love! 2c2m!" byulyi convinces her.

 

"2c2m?"

 

"comfort, couch, movies, and..."

 

"and?" hyejin laughs loudly as byulyi keeps giving her a look while wiggling her eyebrows up and down. "what is it?"

 

"and moon byulyi!"

 

"ah!" hyejin shrieks as she slaps her girlfriend's arm. she tries hard to distract herself from how toned the woman's arm has gotten ever since she started going to the gym this year. she better not start thinking about her back muscles— "unnie, you're so greasy!" she says instead.

 

"but you love it though."

 

byulyi carefully takes the bowl and follows hyejin who is already plopped down on the couch, making herself comfortable. 

 

"you still haven't chosen one?" she chuckles as hyejin pouts in front of the television.

 

"there's a lot to choose from. i don't know where to start."

 

"just choose anything that catches your eye. we all have the time to watch all the movies you like."

 

"how about you unnie? do you have any movies you want to watch?" she shakes her head since she has no idea what she wants to watch. "i'll be fine with just anything you want," she answers instead.

 

they have finally settled with the movie hyejin chose. it was a rom-com movie. hyejin would laugh occasionally but byulyi has been tense ever since the movie started playing. she plays with hyejin's hand instead, drawing small circles with her thumb over her warm skin.

 

"hyej?" she asks in the middle of the movie.

 

"hm?"

 

"what do you think of us?"  trying to sound nonchalant but deep inside, her heart is about to leap out from her chest because of her nerves.

 

"us? why do y-"

 

hyejin's phone rings.

 

no. don't pick up your phone.

 

"wheein?"

 

then her nervousness is slowly replaced by dread.

 

i know what's going to happen next.

 

"unnie? i... i think i have to go to jeonju. wheein and yongsun-unnie had a fight again and it seems like this one is the biggest ever they had that it drove wheein to go home-"

 

byulyi had stopped listening  the moment hyejin started speaking.

 

it's like a broken record. it keeps on repeating that byulyi is so sick of it already.

 

she finds herself driving hyejin to the station waiting for the last train to arrive.

 

"hyej? can't you just not go there?" she asks, trying to stop herself from breaking down. 

 

"it's just a few days, i promise!" hyejin replies, giving her a reassuring smile.

 

"can't you just stay here with me?" she almost, almost breaks her voice. she swallows the lump on as she looks at hyejin.

 

"i'll be back before you can even blink!" hyejin tries cheering her up but it did not do anything to soothe the dread byulyi is feeling right now.

 

"please? don't leave me?" she asks in her smallest voice that hyejin can barely even make up her words.

 

"i'll be back as soon as possible, okay? i just need to make sure that wheein is alright. after that, i'll make it up to you. i promise."

 

"how about me?"

 

i'm not okay.

 

who will look after me then?

 

"hm? did you say anything, unnie?"

 

"nothing," she looks away for a second before giving hyejin a smile. "look, it's your train!" she helps hyejin with her bag.

 

"wait for me, okay? i'll be back," then hyejin surprises her by initiating the kiss. "bye, unnie!"

 

back then, it would have made byulyi feel over the moon but today, it only made her feel miserable and pathetic.

 

i have always been waiting ever since the beginning but...

 

a tear finally escapes from her eye.

 

but i am tired now.

 

byulyi takes the box that she has been keeping in her pocket the whole night. she wonders why it weighed so heavily? 

 

 

//

 

"u-unnie?"

 

"oh, you're here," she barely looks up. she is just tired and she feels and probably looks like right now.

 

"do you have somewhere to go today?" hyejin asks as she eyes her luggage. "you should have texted me s-

 

"i'm leaving."

 

"did you have an emergency shoot? where to?"

 

byulyi merely shakes her head. 

 

"no, hyej. i'm leaving. for good."

 

hyejin did not answer so byulyi sighs, "let's break up."

 

the bag hyejin is carrying dropped. 

 

"u-unnie? wh-what do you mean by that? w-why?"

 

"you know why,"

 

byulyi does not want to go through this again but she has to. it is like peeling the scab from a wound, reopening it once again. byulyi sees the realization flashes through hyejin's face. she gasps, her hands shaking over .

 

"i know you love wheein."

 

a pause.

 

"h-how long did you know?"

 

she grits her teeth, her heart throbbing in agony. she does not know if she would feel better hearing hyejin not denying it or the other way around.

 

"a year ago," she replies, the words uttered were barely a whisper.

 

she hears the way her breath hitched.

 

"why did you not say anything?"

 

"because i love you," she answers simply.

 

because i did not want to let you go.

 

because i was stupid enough to believe that maybe... that maybe you will love me too. 

 

"i should have seen it at the beginning. maybe i was just too dumb or i was just deep into you that i didn't notice it," byulyi chuckles, "when i finally realized it, everything became so clear to my eyes. the way your eyes lighten up every time wheein's name is mentioned. the way you break into a smile whenever you remember something about her. all of it... all of it was something that i know well because that is also how i look at you, smile at you. every time i think of you, i just could not help but smile, you know?" she has just realized that she has been crying for a while. she dries her cheeks with the back of her hand but it seems pretty useless since her tears could not stop flowing.

 

"at night, i would always wonder whether you think of her every time we are together? instead of me holding you, do you imagine her instead? every kiss, every hug, i wonder if you wished it was her instead of me? it slowly kills me every time i think about it."

 

"u-unnie," she cries.

 

"in the span of 5 years of our relationship, never, not even once you have said you love me," byulyi chokes out the three last words.

 

do you know how i eagerly wait for you to say it back?

 

"do i have to? do i have to say it out loud?" 

 

byulyi looks up for a moment, feeling utterly defeated.

 

"you don't have to say it every time hyejin! you don't have to but all i needed was assurance. an assurance that you love me too! that you're also in this relationship! that you also want me to stay! i also want to feel that i am not the only one trying to make this relationship work," she sobs,  "all i ever needed was for you to stop my overthinking — for you to stop me from always second-guessing whether you love me too or not."

 

"i'm sorry," hyejin says it all over again as she sobs, holding onto byulyi's arms. "i'll be better! i know you hate me but let's make this work. j-just don't leave me," to be honest, byulyi's hurting so much inside but it hurts more to see hyejin crying her heart out to make her stay. 

 

she cups her cheeks and dries her tears away.

 

"i did not want to hurt you," hyejin whispers as they stare into each other's eyes.

 

"i know, i know that babe," she coos, "i know you never wanted to hurt me."

 

but you hurt me. not intentionally, of course.

 

hyejin's the most softest and gentlest person byulyi has ever met. she could never hurt someone intentionally. 

 

"this is all my fault. i'm sorry, i'm sorry for hurting you. i- i didn't know-"

 

"shh," she shushes, "i'm at fault too, you know? and i've never hated you, hyejin. not even once," she pulls back and whispers, "but i hate myself for loving you too much that i lost myself."

 

i love you. i really do.

 

the moment she realized she loves hyejin, she knew she was a goner. she knew from that moment that hyejin is the only one who she wants to wake up to in the morning— the first person she wants to see the moment she opens her eyes. hyejin whose existence is like a cup of byulyi's favorite homemade chocolate in the middle of winter, warm and sweet. hyejin is the home that she wants to go to after a day's tiring and exhausting work. hyejin— the last person she wants to see the moment she closes her eyes in the night.

 

hyejin is everything to her but hyejin was not ready for her.

 

maybe that is where it all started. byulyi made the mistake of making everything about hyejin. she made hyejin her everything up to the point that when hyejin is taken out of the picture, she loses every piece of herself— she is left with nothing because she has made everything about her revolve around hyejin.

 

"we have to do this, hyej," her breath shakes, mirroring her hands as she lets go of hyejin. "i'm letting you go now. i'm letting you go because i need to. i need to find myself again. i need to know who moon byulyi is. it's tiring don't you think? forcing ourselves into something that cannot be? i think we should stop that now— forcing ourselves, i mean. i'm tired of begging, pleading, waiting for you to love me back. i think it is time for us to stop this. we have to move forward and stop lingering on this, this relationship that stopped us from growing—maturing. let's take the first step so that we could grow to be a better person?"

 

hyejin did not give her an answer, instead, she cried. she cried so hard that she could barely breathe.

 

"babe? please? say it for me?" byulyi begs brokenly as she tears up again.

 

"d-do you have to go away?"

 

"i need to. i think i won't be happy in the same place where i lost it."

 

hyejin nods, defeated.

 

"okay. okay. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry for hurting you so bad. i'm so sorry," she tries to calm herself— tries her best to stop crying, "i'm letting you go, unnie. i wish you'll find happiness wherever you go."

 

byulyi walks away, but every damn step is so heavy. it is excruciatingly painful as she knows that no matter what, hyejin will never run after her.

 

taking the first step away from her was hard. listening to her cry was harder but letting her go was the hardest. it took everything she has just to do that. it is truly the most painful thing. saying goodbye to the person with who she wants to spend her life with.

 

"goodbye, to the person who i love the most," she whispers.

 

//

 

moving on... moving on sounds easier said than done.

 

she realizes that it takes a lot of courage— a lot of strength to let go than to hold on.

 

moving on is so hard.

 

her heart always feels so heavy. at times, she feels empty. then numb. and when she finally thinks that it is gone, pain starts to creep back again. she would hug her knees then rocks herself to sleep, sobbing. she flew to maldives because she thought that the view may help her take her mind off but all she did was stay inside of her room, all cooped up in the darkness instead of enjoying the view of the ocean outside. she would often wander on whether hyejin thinks of her from time to time or maybe it is just her. she wonders if she had already moved on? then she thinks again about how she is struggling to move forward but could not because she kept on lingering in the same place, looking back to their past.

 

why is it so hard to move on?

 

byulyi just wants to be happy but why is it so hard?

 

what does being happy mean again?

 

she sighs then draws the curtain, the beautiful sea is inviting her in and the sun seems to be smiling at her.

 

she takes her first step outside and just stares at the people enjoying their vacation. some families were swimming and some were just lying under the sun. at her side were children playing with sand. they were trying their best to make the best sandcastle that they could but before they can even finish, the waves came rushing in. toppling their castle.

 

"it's okay, let's just move far away from the waves and build another one again," easier said than done but the children did start making another sandcastle. this time, it is more stable and grander than before.

 

moving on... moving on may be about picking herself up and starting over again.

 

who knows? maybe all byulyi has to do is start taking the first step and find out and see for herself.

 

and first step she did.

 

it was hard, of course. she distracted herself and found new hobbies. she tries things that she has not done before. she gathered her courage and started meeting with strangers where some ended up being her friends. she started laughing more. she was brighter than before. and when she thinks that she has finally moved on, memories of the past came crashing in and she would cry all over again. but she still carries herself to move forward. it has been a cycle of breaking down and being fine the next day. byulyi did not mind that until she no longer cries herself to sleep again. sad, yes, but she does not linger around so much in the past anymore. 

 

byulyi thinks that she has grown over the past few years.

 

she has already forgiven the person who caused her so much pain.

 

and most importantly, she has forgiven herself.

 

"love, what are you doing there?" she looks at her side and smiles widely at the woman coming over. byulyi could call her a goddess. her hair mirrors the darkest night and her skin radiant and glows beautifully under the sunset.

 

"i was just thinking," she chuckles and gives the tip of her nose a kiss. "why are you so adorable? i can't stop myself from biting you!"

 

"ohh, ," the woman laughs after byulyi slaps her arm after taking her words under the wrong light, "maybe for dessert?" she wiggles her brows up and down.

 

"oh, god," byulyi moans as she rolls her eyes.

 

"yep, oh god indeed later." she winks.

 

"stop!" byulyi stands up and chases after her.

 

laughter echoes along the shore as the sun sets.

 

byulyi definitely experienced heartache but she moved on and is now happily in love with someone.

 

"i love you," byulyi whispers and smiles when she hears her reply.

 

"i love you too."