Last year ended rather painfully for me. I went through my first heartbreak. It was around September, days after we saw each other for the countless time on the year. Everything was fine...I guess? I just happened out of nowhere. Well, that's what I thought.

Three years was definitely something. It was probably my first serious relationship; even the first one I told my parents about. I poured all my heart and soul to that one person, only for her to break me in pieces.

The whole relationship was amazing; probably more than I could ever ask for. I even thought that it was the perfect relationship to ever exist. Mina was the best girlfriend that anyone could ever have.

Love makes you do the craziest things; but at the same time, love literally makes you blind.

It was a personal experience, I must say, that's why I can agree when someone says that you go blind when you're in love. You wouldn't even notice the little mistakes that will affect your relationship, maybe because you keep on thinking that "it's fine" when it's actually not. The red flags were visible, I just chose to ignore it. She became toxic at one point through the relationship. I couldn't go out with my friends like I used to before—I can't even work properly because she gets mad whenever there are boys around. Pathetic, I know, but I didn't know that back then because I was blinded by my love for her.

I keep on believing that she'll change—that this will pass, but it didn't. It just got worse and I felt very suffocated.

So, we broke up.

We didn't stop talking right after that, but I eventually put an end to any type or communication between us months later when I found out that there's something going on with her and her one workmate that we used to fight about before. I got hella jealous and hurt back then, but she keeps on telling me that I should stop worrying; she keeps on insisting that she's just a workmate. Again, I was blinded.

The next year came (still no talking between us), then I met Sana. It was January when she transferred to our company, and the same month that we grew closer. Our feelings for each other developed until the next month, and eventually—we fell in love. We made it official by March.

During that time, I still check Mina's social medias even though I blocked her almost everywhere *insert clown emoji*. Very funny, I know. It's also VERY stupid. I was in a relationship with Sana, but I keep on checking Mina's profiles. How dumb could I get?

I even dream about Mina more often than I ever dreamed about Sana. She basically lives in my Mind, and I just wanted her to get out.

I felt guilty, of course. Very guilty. It was swallowing me as a whole. I shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be thinking about someone whom I've left nearly a year ago. Again; how dumb could I get?

Months pass (with Sana) and I wasn't really feeling it anymore. I guess it was my dreams' fault. Or probably Mina's fault because she's still in my mind 24/7. It messed up my mental health. I became very unstable and sensitive, to the point that I just want to stop everything and just rest. That is why I left Sana.

Dumb, stupid, . I know. Call me anything you want. I'll accept it.

I just couldn't love anyone the way I used to love Mina.

Used to?  I think my feelings never changed.

In fact, I didn't broke up with her because I didn't love her anymore. I broke up with her because it was very suffocating. And the thing with her workmate that we used to fight about before? It was a hell of a pain.

After my break up with Sana, I took all my time to rest and enjoy being single again. It was fun, not until I go to work and see her face almost everyday. Guilt just keep on swallowing me up all over again. But I have to bear with it, it's my fault anyway. Besides, she got transferred to a different department; which was a relief because I don't get to see her everyday.

On one normal day, I randomly decided to unblock Mina everywhere. Who cares, right? I wouldn't message her or something, right?

Jokes on me. Ha ha, very funny.

Also, I noticed that she's not in a relationship anymore. Did things between her and that Nayeon girl didn't work out?

As much as I hate to admit, but I'm genuinely curious.

It's been a year and a month since we broke up, and she never left my mind since day one. I wanted to talk to her, but I didn't know how and what to talk about.

So I added her. It took her hours before she accepted my request, but it was totally worth it.

...

...

... 

...so what now?

I suddenly decided to use this one Facebook feature that no one probably uses anymore. Well, aside from me and my friends, that is. There's this Facebook feature where you "poke" your friends. Me and my group of friends exchanges "pokes" almost every minute. The longest time that I have ever sent a poke back was two hours. That's how a thought of "oh, I should poke her" popped into my mind.

So I did.

I waited. I felt super uneasy while waiting. I did almost everything that I could do at home to keep me from waiting—I painted, I played a few games, watched movies, read books. Everything. 

Then a notification lit my phone up three hours later.

"What's with the poke? 😝" she messaged me.

I smiled. Idiot.

And that's how we began talking again.

We talked almost everyday. We exchanged stories about our exes and a few stuff about how our individual lives went. She also mentioned (so many times) about how bad she felt when she got into a relationship with that Nayeon girl. She keeps on apologizing and keeps on reassuring me that it wasn't her proudest moment. And I felt how sorry she was. I was touched with how sincere she was.

Through those daily talks, we watched movies together on our own homes with the help of a Google Chrome extension (thanks google). It was fun. Very fun, actually. We watched movies every night and talked until dawn. It was fun. I felt happy and alive again.

I told her how my feelings towards her never changed, and guess what...the same goes to her. I was super surprised when she told me about having dreams about me ever since we broke up. She even told me that she writes those dream on her notes app, she even sent a screenshot as proof. I was genuinely shocked. She keep on having dreams about me too?

I even joked around about how she never left my mind since we broke up, then she told me that she's been going through the same thing. Everything feels like a movie or a Korean drama. It was amazing. It felt surreal. It felt like a dream—in which I don't wanna wake up to.

Eventually, we decided to meet again for the first time after a year and a few months later.

I went over to her place with microwavable popcorn and her favorite dumpling snack. I got nervous when I arrived to her place, but seeing her again up close brought me back to our first date.

The feeling from back then was still there. The little butterflies on my stomach was still there. It never changed. Nothing has changed. She's still so beautiful just like the first time I saw her up close.

Her beautiful moles that seems like a constellation still takes my breath away. The way my heart feels weak whenever she smiles and her cheeks puffs up.

Literally everything felt like the first time I fell in love with her.

On that same night—right after we finished one movie, we sat together in silence. Mina's back was pressed against my chest as my arms wrapped around her and my small palms cover her warm hands. Just like how we used to before.

She turned around to face me with a blank face, but I could tell that there's a lot going on her mind. I want to ask her what's bothering her, but something else escaped my stupid mouth.

"Can I kiss you?"

It took me a while to register what I just said. When my brain finally realized the words that my mouth let out, my face grew red instantly. It was like this when we had our first kiss. My face turned red, and I didn't even know that this pale face could do such thing. 

Mina laughed and cupped both sides of my heated cheeks with her soft palms. "You're blushing again, just like how you did when we first kissed." she said with her smile not leaving her face.

Exactly. I felt nervous just like before. I could even run to the freezer and bury my face on the ice box, but I can't. Not with these soft hands keeping me in place.

I frowned, rather cutely, to hide my embarrassment. But I failed. It made Mina laugh even more...music to my ears. I missed this.

A few seconds later, she finally calmed down and used her right hand to wipe her tear off her eyes because she was laughing too hard. I took it as a cue.

I closed my eyes and leaned forward, capturing her soft lips on mine. This familiar feeling that I definitely missed made my insides all tumbling and celebrating. The butterflies in my stomach mas multiplied, and I felt like I was about to explode.

This kiss felt like the first time.

We pulled back after a while and stared at each other's eyes as we let the silence fill the air. It wasn't awkward. You can almost tell that Mina wanted to do the same too.

"Can we try again?" she asked, her eyes started to become watery as if she was about to cry.

I held her hand and planted a kiss on her knuckle before giving out a small smile—just like I used to before. This will probably the biggest decision that I will ever make. I know that I wouldn't regret this—but I might if I didn't give it a shot. Besides, I know to myself that I wanted to try again.

I wanted her again; I always have. 

"I don't see why not."