It was upsetting, his morning coffee long overlooked and cold in the glass table in front of him. His mind was flying far away from Seoul and onto the place called Sinan. His heart was glowering, longing for a face so familiar he was afraid he would soon forget how it actually looked like. Those hazelnut brown eyes that held so much power...so much innocence, warmth, and purity, those pair of thin lips that never failed to make his heart throbbed as if he just ran a marathon, and of course, those smile... those painfully rare smile which could only be seen once in a blue moon. And Hyukjae was lucky enough to be given the chance to be at the other end of that smile.

Being in Seoul, it felt weird... and strange... and somewhat unfamiliar in a sense. It was already a whole month since he arrived back from Sinan yet he still felt much emptier than the first time he set foot on their house once again. He was thankful that they were on semester break which allowed him to mope as much as he could. He badly wanted to go back there...to the place he once called home, but there was that lingering thought at the back of his mind that stubbornly refused to get out.

I don’t really belong there. I belong here.

Hyukjae couldn’t understand it at all. And to make everything even worse, he very well knew that if he had decided to go to that place once again, no one could make him leave anymore. His dreams were here. Donghae’s dreams were there. His heart was here. Donghae’s heart was there. Too far from each other, yet felt too close to reconnecting.

Hyukjae’s hands were trembling so badly as he reached for the single photo neatly tucked inside his favorite book. It was their photo. Lee Hyukjae and Lee Donghae. Smiling brightly and happily as if they just conquered the whole world, when in reality, they just had each other.

Will I get to see that smile again, Lee Donghae?

“You’re overthinking your move again, Hyukjae.”

Hyukjae sighed, hands lingering and shaking as he went back and forth from his bishop to one of his pawns. His father hated it when he took so long in making a move every time they go against each other in a game of chess. For him, Hyukjae should have had already thought about his next move and the move after that and the move after that. Usually, playing with his father was a guaranteed victory for him since he is always two steps ahead of his old man, however, right now, he just felt terribly lost and hopeless.

“Ugh... it,” Hyukjae whispered as he moved his bishop for the nth time. He was playing in circles he knew it, but he couldn’t do anything to get his head back in the game. He groaned in annoyance and clenched his fists tightly as he heard his father chuckling and laughing before his misery. He must have looked incredibly pathetic in the eyes of the other.

“Don’t tell me you are still sulking over your Sinan boyfriend? Get over it, Hyukjae. I’m sure you will find someone better than him and he will find someone better than you. It's not the end of the world.” And that old man even had the audacity to clap his hands as if what he just said made him feel any better at all. It didn’t.

If you are wondering, yes, his father knew about Donghae and everything he did in Sinan. He knew how Hyukjae was helplessly in love with the guy and how he still is. How could he not spill every single detail when his old man witnessed how he stole a kiss from Donghae before climbing into the car? But did he regret catching the younger by surprise? Definitely no. Well, not yet at least.

“Shut up,” Hyukjae snarled. “I’m not asking for your opinion. Let’s just finish this game and call it a day.” Even if it’s just 2 in the afternoon. Ridiculous.

His father looked at him deeply. “How could I continue playing with someone who already lost even before his first move?” And he crossed his arms as he continued staring at him. "You are really serious about him, huh?"

“Is it possible, Dad?” Hyukjae stared mournfully at the glass window on his left. “You taught me that each chess piece would resemble a single person. Is it possible that one person could be all the pieces? That one person could be the entire game?” he laughed bitterly. Now that he voiced out his thoughts, they truly sounded ridiculous even in his own ears.

Hyukjae thought that the silence from his father meant that the conversation was ludicrous and totally absurd. However, he was caught by surprise when his old man cleared his throat. Hyukjae looked at his father, face expectant.

“Ridiculous, yes, but not entirely impossible,” his father muttered. “This Lee Donghae of yours… it’s funny how your stories about him remind me so much of your mother. That running away thing, his bravery and everything...they remind me so much of your mom. Did you know that your mom once ran away from their house in Gangnam just to join a week-long mobilization walk against one corrupt politician at that time? Your grandparents were so angry that they blamed me for not being able to control your mother. But what could I do?” his father chuckled. “You inherited your stubbornness from your mom. Trust me when I say that she was more handful than you, son…”

“...Your mother… she was a woman of conviction. She would not hesitate to stand up for the things she wants and that’s probably the quality that I loved the most about her. She wasn’t afraid to make decisions that could definitely change her life even as drastic as agreeing to marry me at a terribly young age, despite the continuous disapproval of both my and her parents. She was my most painful headache,” and a series of chuckles were heard.

“She’s incredible,” Hyukjae murmured.

“She is,” his father agreed, nodding his head in approval. “I’m your father, Hyukjae, and contrary to popular belief, I will never take control of your life. It’s yours, son, not mine. And that’s why I want you to make decisions for yourself. You’re a grownup man now, Hyukjae. You’ve matured so much and I know your mother would be very proud of you. I’m not saying you should totally leave me and go live in Sinan just like your boyfriend. What I’m trying to say is that you’ve been miserable for the past month since you came back. Why not try to make yourself happy for once?”

Hyukjae froze.

Why not try to make yourself happy for once?

“...I hope I could make decisions like that and be as brave as you,” Hyukjae offered the other a bitter smile before returning his gaze to the waterfalls.

“You could, you know? You don’t have to let other people decide for your own good. It’s still your call at the end of the day.”

He shook his head. No, he can’t. He wasn’t his mother nor was he Donghae, and he will never be half as brave as the b