Don’t you just hate it when certain people are right about you? Like you just don’t want to give them that satisfaction. Because I do.

 

Before I went here in South Korea for the second time, I had this long conversation with Amber. I don’t know if she just resented me, but she said things that I couldn’t just forget. Sabi niya, getting involved again with any of my “old” friends will not do anything good for me. Well, she has seen how I was when all the drama with them broke out. I wasn’t any good. I was a wreck. But I managed to cover that well. Kasi that time, I had her and Seulgi.

 

 Maybe she just said that to protect me and I was just over the moon to be with them that I didn’t see that…that I don’t see the pattern here. I broke her heart. ‘Yun siguro ang dahilan kung bakit I had a hard time believing her. Part of me thinks this is just her wanting to hurt me back.

 

 “Weird ni Lisa. Kala ko nakausap mo na ‘yun?”

 

 “Stal, okay ka lang?”

 

“Earth to Stal”

 

I snapped back to my senses. Kai was waving his right hand on my face pero hindi ko napansin. God, I spaced out again. Tumango na lang ako but he still looked at me with concern.

 

“I’m fine,” sabi ko before picking up my cup of coffee.

 

It’s Saturday. Off day namin and we both decided to go to this coffee shop just to talk.

 

“Ang dami ko ng na-kwento tapos hindi ka naman pala nakikinig,” nagtatampo niyang sinabi.

 

No wonder super comfortable nina Jensen and Kai sa isa’t isa. They both act like kids.

 

“Para kang bata. What were you saying ba?”

 

His expression suddenly changed. He sat up straight and faced me while sipping his coffee.

 

“Sabi ko, weird ni Lisa. Kung nakausap mo na ba?” Tanong niya after ibaba ‘yung cup niya.

 

 “Yeah, I talked to her like weeks ago. Kinausap rin ni Seulgi”

 

“Yie, Seulgi”

 

I rolled my eyes at him. He still teases me like we never dated.

 

“Para kang tanga”

 

Tumawa lang siya.

 

It’s been 4 months since Jensen and I flew here in South Korea. I won’t say things haven’t changed because they have, significantly.

 

“Pero hindi nga weird nung naging friends kayo nila Irene and Seulgi? Don’t get me wrong ah. I like Seulgi and Irene. I think they’re cute together, pero mas close tayo. Kaya kung hindi ka okay deep inside sa dalawa, kakampi mo ako. Iba-bash ko sila slight”

 

Gusto kong batuhin ng tissue si Kai, but I think he meant well naman.

 

“Okay nga lang. It wasn’t weird at all”

           

“Ah. Kasi kami nila Suho ‘yung medyo weirded sa setup niyo”

 

“Napaka-chismoso niyong dalawa”

 

“Hoy, hindi! Weird naman kasi talaga. Imagine, si Suho, friends with Seulgi. Or para mas close ‘yung comparison, si Bogum friends pa rin with montdg”

 

“Seul and Bogum are still friends, as far as I know”

 

“Nooooo. Like both kay Irene and Seulgi. Like you”

 

“Cut it out, Kai. It’s all good between me and them”

 

He let it go, but knowing Kai, he will come up with more topics. Bakit nga ba siya sinama ko? Ah, ‘yung roommate ko kasi ayaw lumabas. She’s like the most extroverted person I know, pero mas gusto niya daw magstay sa place namin.

 

"You know what, tingin ko lang ah. Kaya I get how that works kasi kala ko may something kayo ni Lisa. Hindi lang ako nakapansin. Akala ko kayo. Kaso naalala ko rin na super inis ‘tong si Suho kay Lisa dati kasi kasabay niyang humarot kay Pres”

 

 “That’s what’s weird. Bonding niyo ba ni Suho na pag-usapan ako and my friends?”

 

“Hindi. Pero bonding na namin ngayon nila Lisa,” natatawa niyang sagot.

 

“But I guess there’s something,” I whispered. I made sure not loud enough for him to hear.

 

Months ago, I asked Seul to talk to Jensen because she was avoiding me. I wanted to know what that was about kasi super okay nga kaming dalawa before we left home. After few minutes since I talked to Seul, Lisa texted me and explained things. I’m not sure if I understood anything from there pero all she was saying lang naman, she likes me in a different way. I said sure, then it was never brought up again.

 

Hindi na rin naman kami nakapag-uusap kasi kahit na hindi niya ako iniiwasan, she never goes out of her room na. Training can really be tiring, but I’m sure there’s more to that.

 

“Musta na pala kayo ni Amber? Wala pa rin?”

 

And now, I’m back there to the moment I broke her heart.

 

 

 

 

“Seriously, Stal? Gets ko naman na you want to settle things with them. I remembered how sad you were back then. I’m fine with that. Pero ‘yung you’re gonna be friends with Seulgi after everything, I think that’s too much”

 

“Amber—"

 

“She broke your heart, Stal. All the time you were together, alam mong si Irene gusto niya. You read about that. You cried about that every night. I even helped you book your flight back to Seoul just to get over that fact, and here you are, deciding to go back to that road again. That’s just stupid”

 

“Seulgi and Irene are together now. It’s not like I’m hoping na piliin niya ako. I just want to be friends with her again. That’s all. Will you just calm down please?”

 

“Calm down? You’re asking me to stop suddenly. Don’t blame me if the first thing that came into my mind was si Seulgi na naman”

 

“It’s not Seulgi”

 

“Tingnan mo ako and tell me you don’t have any more feelings for Seulgi”

 

Stal looked at Amber, but she couldn’t keep the stare, so she looked away.

 

Amber laughed.

 

Stal won’t deny the fact that she still likes Seulgi. Seulgi is just perfect. It just happened that she’s more perfect for someone else.

 

“Tang ina”

 

“But it’s not that, I swear”

 

“It has always been her. Huwag na natin lokohin natin sarili natin, Stal. When you told me that you’d give me a chance, I was dumb enough to believe it pero itigil na natin. Masakit na eh”

 

“It’s not like that”

 

“What is it then?”

 

Stal didn’t answer. Hindi niya alam paano sasagot.

 

She just can’t tell Amber that she just doesn’t see her in that way…that in the span of time of knowing her, she never sees her more than just a friend.

 

Stal just can’t tell Amber that Lisa Cortez has already made her feel everything in just a short time of knowing her.

 

She just can’t tell her na kahit hindi pa pwede ngayon, she’s looking forward to that day when the stars would align perfectly just for them to find themselves in each other’s arms instead of wishing they were in someone else’s.

 

“Don’t tell me…”

 

Realizations hit Amber like a truck. For a couple months, she noticed something different. Hindi niya lang talaga ata naisip na things would change so much because of one person.

 

“Lisa”

 

Stal’s expression softened which made Amber pissed off.

 

“Can’t you see the pattern here, Stal? You’re doing it again”

 

“Doing what exactly?” Stal asked. She could see how confused Amber was pero tuloy-tuloy pa rin ito sa pagsasalita

 

“You’re throwing yourself in a loop here. By getting involved with them again, you’ll find yourself in the same situation you have been ever since. First with Kai, and then with Seulgi”

 

“Amber, please—”

 

“And I’m not gonna be there anymore. Hindi mo ba naisip na pwede ring gawin ni Lisa sa’yo ginawa ni Seulgi? Because ikaw ‘yung nandyan but that’s it. I’m just too blind to see na ganun rin pala ako sa’yo. That I happened to be just there for you kaya ako nakita mo”

 

“It’s not like that at all”

 

“Not like that? You know how I see it? I see Lisa choosing Jennie once she comes around. I see you giving up Lisa kasi you would let her go to keep your friendship with Jennie. Seulgi and Kai over again. This is just stupidity”

 

“I’m not here for any saving, Amber. And I’m saying this because you had all these thoughts even months ago na hindi pa nangyayari ‘to. You really think I’m stupid. Wow,” Stal said, now pissed off too.

 

She felt like being defined as one thing…the one who gets left.

 

“Am I wrong though?” Amber asked.

 

“Maybe, you are. Maybe, you’re not. But I’m not your damsel in distress waiting to be saved, Amber,” Stal answered. Amber just stared at her waiting for what she would say next.

 

“Everything I went through…with all the decisions I made with my relationships with Kai and Seulgi, it was all my choice. MY CHOICE, AMBER. I thought them over and over in the right state of mind. I didn’t act solely on my feelings. I weighed my options. It’s all voluntarily done. And it’s not because I’m on a loop here. I felt like it isn’t right. I felt like it isn’t what I deserved. I don’t deserve overthinking whether they really chose me or not. I don’t deserve being chosen just because I was there. I did them a favor. I offered an out. Yes, I did it for them, but mostly, I did it for myself”

 

Hindi na nakasagot si Amber.

 

Stal didn’t wait for her. She turned around and reached for the doorknob.

 

“And this is my choice, too, Amber. I’m sorry I did this to you. I’m going now”

 

It felt longer pero hindi naman kumurap si Kai, so I just thought she spaced for just milliseconds.

 

I hurt Amber. She broke her heart and it seemed like I did it mercilessly. Amber has been nothing but a good friend to me, but all I knew was I needed to end it that way. No matter what I do, I’d end up hurting her. Why sugarcoat it? That’s cruel.

 

It would be harder for Amber to move on if it ended good.

 

I believe anger masks the longing. I believe her nurturing her anger will make her not hope for anything anymore. It will make her move forward. It will make her get by every day. And I have nothing to say, do or feel about that. I did that to her. I’ll take the blame and I’ll move forward, too.

 

“Fine. She blocked me everywhere, but it’s fine”

 

“Lakas kasi ng tama mo kay Seulmont”

 

At binato ko na nang tuluyan si Kai ng tissue.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

Saktong pagdating ni Stal ng dorm nila ni Lisa ay kalalabas lamang nito. Something’s really bothering her, pansin naman ni Stal. Ang kaso lang, it doesn’t concern her anymore. So far, okay naman silang dalawa. She’s the same Lisa Cortez she met. Pero ganun ata kapag may something ka para sa isang tao. You notice even the slightest thing.

 

“Musta date with Kai?” Pabirong tanong ni Jensen.

 

“Pareho kayo”

 

“Na?”

 

“Kupal”

 

“OMG! Sabi ni Seul pareho na daw tayo ng salitaan!” Natatawang sabi ni Lisa. Madalas kasi nilang napag-uusapan si Krystal kasi siya lang naman kasama ni Lisa sa dorm. Madalas niya ring namang kasama sila Suho kaso ahead na sila sa training kaya minsan, siya na rin lang mag-isa.

 

“At saka hoy, kupal na ‘yun, matagal na. Wala akong kinalaman doon”

 

Napangiti si Stal. At least, Lisa has someone there whom she can be her fully goofy self with.

 

“Miss ko na kups,” Lisa said out of nowhere.

 

Nag-alala naman si Stal.

 

She noticed it naman kaso she just didn’t want to say anything to her baka kasi hindi rin kumportable para kay Lisa to go over that yet. She’s waiting for her to open up that certain door of feelings.

 

“Wala lang. Katatapos lang ng birthday ni Seulgi. Hindi naman kami nagce-celebrate talaga pero iba lang feeling kapag andun”

 

“I get it naman. I kinda missed my girls, too”

 

“Mas mahirap pala na okay lahat bago ka umalis. Mas nami-miss ko sila”

 

“It’s the homesickness talking”

 

“Minsan. Siguro. Baka”

 

“Like my first time here, I had to leave everything, Seulgi included. Wait. You know that. Your friends hated me because of it”

 

"SORRY NA NGA. Hindi naman namin alam na si Seulgi pala nag-end nun. Hindi nga siya nagsasalita noon. Kaya ayun, auto-judge sa’yo, Ate Stal”

 

“Yeah, but I’m just saying lang naman…that made me want to work harder here. I hardly even noticed the dates”

 

“Lelang mo, Stal. Sinabi sa akin ni Seulgi, ikaw nagreach out sa kanya. Edi namiss mo rin. Hindi rin effective ‘yang work harder. Isa kang malaking cheese curls”

 

“Cheese curls?”

 

“ANUBA KAYONG MGA KUPS!!! MGA UNCULTURED”

 

“Ano nga?” Stal asked nonchalantly.

 

Wala lang. Sanay na lang talaga siya sa mga paganyan ni Lisa. Actually, mas natutuwa talaga siya kay Lisa kapag ganyan siya. When he was with Kai, super pa-cool nito. Si Seulgi naman, parang siya, tahimik lang. Ngayon lang ata siya naka-meet ng someone na ganito ka free magsalita.

 

Realizing this, napailing si Stal. She has always liked Lisa. Even sa mga kwento ni Seulgi before, Lisa seemed like a good friend, the one you’d like to be with…and she is. She just doesn’t know why she’s comparing her to people she’s been with, romantically. Well, she’s still considering it, but Lisa has just barely moved on from Jennie. And she can still hear Amber’s voice telling her that this is a stupid choice.

 

“Marupok ka parang cheese curls”

 

“I am not”

 

“Hindi lang naman ako nag-iisip nun. Kaya nga inaasar ka pa rin ni Kai kay Seulgi eh”

 

“You all think I still like Seulgi in that way?” Nagtatakang tanong ni Stal.

 

“Si Kai, oo. Ako, mej”

 

“Really?”

 

“Ewan ko. Feel ko lang si Seulgi great love o kaya the one that got away ng lahat”

 

“Sira. Hindi”

 

“Marupok ka nga. Hindi lang halata kasi medyo pa-brave ka”

 

“I like Seulgi, but as a friend na lang”

 

“Narinig ko na ‘yan. Sinabi ‘yan ni Jennie tapos super crush niya pa rin si Seul. Shet, paano kaya kung tinuloy ko ang pagkatao ni lisacort? Hala, crush mo na ako siguro!”

 

“Hindi rin”

 

Kasi all this time, though selfish, Stal thought it would be nice to get to know someone far from all the factors that can hinder them.

 

“Weh? Kahit mag-cap at hoodie ako ngayon?”

 

“Hindi pa rin”

 

Stal knew from the moment Lisa asked her to run away with her..she knew Lisa was going to be something in her life. Like something that will mark her already scarred heart. Kinda scary, but Stal knows risks more than anyone and she’s willing to risk on this one.

 

“Kahit mag-black and white icon ako ulit?”

 

“It’s not your twitter naman that I’m seeing right now”

           

“Ay true. Pero kahit na—”

 

“Jensen, shut up. Hindi nga”

 

“Shet! Next year ko pa kaya manlibre kaya out of the list pa ‘yun”

 

Stal just rolled her eyes kasi into deep thinking na naman si Lisa about sa mga ganitong bagay. It’s cute that this thing matters to her.

 

“You don’t have to do that, Lisa”

 

“Try ko lang baka effective na ulit. Maganda skincare dito, so advantage ko ‘yun”

 

“Are you doing this for Jennie?”

 

“HUH? OLD NEWS NA SI ATENG MAY TATLONG FIRST NAME AT ANAK NG MAY-ARI NG SCHOOL”

 

“Then, why are you doing this?”

 

Stal finally asked. For the past months, they have been walking on eggshells when it comes to this part. They talked about it, the hypotheticals, but it never came up again. Siguro kasi, too early to act on their feelings.

 

Sabi nina Joy at Wendy (ang duo taga-payo ni Lisa), baka may residual feelings pa si Stal kay Seulgi, at siya kay Jennie kaya hayaan na muna niya. Kaso nahiya na siyang banggitin ulit kay Stal kasi baka assumptionism niya lang ‘yun.

 

“Para cool ako?” Patay-malisyang sagot ni Lisa. Biglaan naman kasing magseryoso ‘tong si Stal.

 

“Okay”

 

“And para gusto mo na rin ako?”

 

Hindi alam ni Lisa kung saan galing ‘yung tapang na ‘yun pero siguro ay mula sa tono ng ‘okay’ ni Stal. Natakot siya bigla. Parang epekto nina Irene at Jennie sa kanya pero mas malala.

 

“Hindi ka sure?”

 

“Huh”

 

“Hindi ka sure”

 

“Hindi naman ako nakikipag-date sa ex ko, so sure ako?”

 

“Bakit patanong?”

 

“OMAYGAHD I AM PANICKING”

 

“Kumalma ka nga”

 

“Hayop yung randomization mo, Ate Stal. Hindi kinakaya ng cute and fragile heart ko sa mga masusungit na babae pero ikaw lang syempre malakas tapos hindi ko na alam sinasabi ko pero sana naiintindihan mo kahit ha hatdog ano na ba pinag-uusapan”

 

Napasandal si Lisa sa kabilang dulo ng sofa nila ni Stal.

 

Bakit nga ba ang random niya? Siguro kasi bumalik sa kanya ‘yung mga sinabi ni Amber and now, that she’s processed it over a coffee with Kai, alam niya na sa sarili niya kung ano talaga ang meron siya para kay Lisa.

 

And it’s not just because she’s there. It’s because Lisa has seen her apart from being someone whose heart’s been broken a couple times. She sees her as a person who can love and can be loved by others.

 

Lisa sees Stal.

 

Just like how Stal sees Lisa, too.

 

She sees Lisa more just than being Seulgi’s best friend. She sees Lisa as someone who cares more than anyone; someone who will be there for you no matter what. She sees this person who has more love to give and not even afraid to show it. That’s the Lisa she knows.

 

Nakahinga na ata si Lisa kaya humarap siya kay Stal.

 

“Okay. Sure ako. Baka sakaling effective ‘yun at totoong magustuhan mo na ako”

 

“Hindi na nga need”

 

“Ebarg sa rejection pero sige”

 

“Over reacting ka talaga minsan”

 

“Oo na. Friends na lang talaga at nadala lang tayo ng ating closeness nung una”

 

“Jensen?”

 

“Seriously, shut up”

 

Napatingin na lang sa kanya si Lisa, waiting for her to speak.

 

“I told you. You don't have to do that. Ever”

 

Walang reaksyon si Lisa.

 

“I like you…but we’re far away from our reality right now, so I haven’t said anything. We’ll get back to this when we both get home. Me, next year, and you, two years from now. But for the meantime, I like you and you don’t have to do those things anymore. I like you”

 

Ilang segundo rin ang nakalipas bago naka-recover si Lisa mula sa gulat.

 

“HUH”

 

With that, Stal just knew. She is not on the loop or whatever Amber was saying.

 

She really likes Lisa.

 

Nanatiling gulat si Lisa. Hindi niya alam sasabihin. Usually may balik siya na kalokohan kaso hindi rin siya makapag-isip ngayon. Bago pa man kasi umalis sa Pilipinas, alam niyang may weird feelings na siya para kay Krystal. Ayaw niya lang sabihin openly kasi baka isipin nito na she's just distraction, which she isn't.

 

"And I let you think about that," sabi ni Krystal bago tumayo.

 

She remained calm, pero pagkasara na pagkasara niya ng kanyang pinto, napasandal agad siya dito. She felt her heart beating fast. The Stal she knows won't respond to this way. She never imagined that's how she would say it. Hell, she never said it. It was Kai, Seulgi, and then Amber. And to think kay Lisa pa niya nasabi, na ang kanyang first impression  ay just best friend material.

 

After trying to catch her breath, Stal heard a faint knock, na para bang naghe-hesitate  'yung kumakatok.

 

Bigla nakaramdam ng hiya si Stal. Parang ayaw niya muna harapin si Lisa.

 

Stal, si Jensen 'yan. If anything, she will not make everything more awkward.

 

That's what she told herself.

 

Bago niya pa mabuksan ang pinto, nagsalita na si Lisa.

 

"Uhm...okay. Gulat si ako pero para ka rin kasing ewan, Stal! Mang-gugulat ka. Hindi ka naman Tide. Oo, commercial sa Pilipinas 'yun. PERO TEKA NGA. NAWAWALA NA NAMAN AKO SA SASABIHIN KO. Ay, actually, hindi ko rin alam sasabihin ko. Hindi ko nga sure kung nakikinig ka eh. Baka nasa CR ka nga eh, edi sayang sinasabi ko. Shet, wala naman pala talaga akong sinasabi. Knock twice nga kung rinig mo ako"

 

Natatawa siya kay Lisa pero kumatok nga siya nang mahina nang dalawang beses.

 

"Twice nga eh, dapat nine. Charot. Pero wow, para tayong nasa movies. 'Yung pinto lang 'yung pagitan. Pero ano, mas may masasabi ata ako sa'yo kapag binuksan mo 'yung pinto"

 

Hindi na naghintay ng sandali si Krystal. Agad niyang binuksan ang pinto. A glimpse of super red Lisa faced her. In a split second, Lisa leaned and kissed her.

 

"I like you, too," mabilis na sabi nito bago tumakbo papunta sa kwarto niyang nasa kabilang dulo.

 

Bago pumasok, binigyan siya ni Lisa nang mapang-asar na ngiti.

 

"Crush mo ako," pakantang sinabi ni Lisa at saka sinarado na ang pinto.

 

Stal smiled back at the closed door.

 

This is another choice she made with such certainty. She just knows she'd never regret this.