What did he do to deserve this kind of torture?
It’s been two and a half months of Doyoung religiously avoiding Taeyong at all costs, blocking his number, his social media accounts and storing everything reminding him of the other in boxes.
Yet, while being at one of his friend’s little parties, his eyes caught sight of Taeyong in the kitchen right next to the person he wanted to see even less than him. He wasn’t aware that Taeil was close to either of the two.
A heavy sigh fell from his lips as he cursed himself for not being close enough to the latter to know, dragging his eyes away from the two guys he was staring at for the past couple of seconds.
This was tough.

On his way of fleeing the scene he bumped into Johnny who had been quietly watching him all this time.

“You alright?” He asked, a drink in his hand which he quickly drank a sip of, Doyoung’s eyes filled with surprise and fear.
What if they walked out there, spotted him and tried to initiate a conversation? It was already enough for him to exchange these painfully long gazes with Taeyong earlier that night.

“S-Sure.” He stuttered out before turning his head to check if they were still alone in the living room, Johnny’s right eyebrow raised. “That didn’t sound nor looked very convincing.” He stated before gently pushing Doyoung aside to check who or whatever the other was so damn afraid of.
As Johnny did so, Doyoung slowly backed away, awkwardly hiding behind the doorframe leading to the hallway, his knees weak and heart clenching. The way Johnny turned his head towards him with his eyes screaming ‘I’m sorry’ wasn’t helping either.
He hated this, hated that he was still so affected by all of this. He didn’t know how to get rid of his feelings for Taeyong though, how to get rid of that anger, frustration, jealousy. It all ended so suddenly. He still couldn’t fully grasp that their relationship actually ended.

It didn’t sound nice to him and he hated how that one saying was right. He got so used to being with Taeyong that he sometimes forgot to appreciate him. Not that he didn’t acknowledge him as a huge positive part of his life, he loved him with everything he got, but he never thought that he’d lose him ever in his life.
“Wanna talk about it?” Johnny asked as he put down his glass on the dining table on his way back to the other who was backing away further into the hallway. “I don’t even know what to tell you.” Doyoung explained, shrugging.
“Just the overall circumstances? I need to pee though.”
Doyoung raised an eyebrow, an awkward and confused smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “What?” Johnny asked, walking past him and towards the bathroom. “Just sit down on the bathtub or whatever.” He suggested, urging Doyoung to follow him and to the latter’s own surprise, he didn’t even hesitate. It was just Johnny being Johnny. He should’ve been used to it already, but it still sometimes caught him off guard.

“So?” Johnny asked as he pulled down the zipper of his jeans, Doyoung’s eyes automatically falling down to the source of sound, before he realised what he was about to look at. With a little blush covering his cheeks, he quickly turned away and sat down on the edge of the bathtub not far away from Johnny, but far enough for him to feel comfortable with the other peeing in his presence.
“It’s just.. I can’t stand seeing him with Ten. I knew that he would end up liking him as more than just a friend and I didn’t know they’d be here tonight.”
“I didn’t know either. I would have told you.” Johnny said, humming like something was bothering him.
“I know.” Doyoung nodded softly, not sure whether the other saw. “I can’t get rid of my feelings for him and it’s annoying.”
“Understandable. Have you tried seeing someone else already?” Johnny asked as he was done, moving over to the sink to wash his hands and fix his hair.
“I’ve been with him for two years and you expect me to just find interest in dating after roughly 3 months?” Doyoung asked, staring at Johnny as if he was crazy, the latter shrugging. “It’s not that crazy and Taeyong seems to be ready for that step too, right?” Doyoung felt like someone just ripped out his heart and mercilessly stomped on it. He wasn’t mad at Johnny for saying this though. It was true and the truth sometimes hurts.

“I guess.” He barely whispered, the other’s words still replaying in his head like a broken record, pushing him closer to tears with every repetition.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Johnny walked over to Doyoung, tenderly caressing and massaging his left shoulder, looking down at him with a loving smile and eyes which pleaded for forgiveness. “I just think it’s better for you to distract yourself a little. If not with a new love interest maybe by seeing other friends or meeting new people.” A change really didn’t sound like such a bad idea. But how?
“It’s okay. It is what it is. I can’t run away from it forever.” Doyoung chuckled to cope with the overwhelming feelings of sorrow and loneliness washing through his body. “You can leave now.” Doyoung added, not wanting to prevent Johnny from having a good time at the party. After all, the latter couldn’t stop talking about wanting the weekend to begin all week. He really looked forward to having a good time with his friends and who was Doyoung to act selfishly and take that away from him.
“If you ever want to talk or need distraction though..” Johnny gestured being on the phone with his hand to signal Doyoung that he should call him whenever he needed him. It was cute. Doyoung couldn’t help but laugh at the way Johnny looked and winked at him before leaving the room. It felt good to know that someone was there for him and that this someone would never hide the truth from him just to save him from the pain. He needed to get out of his head and away from his fantasies and feelings to finally find peace and he knew that. But it was hard, really hard and his still very strong feelings for his ex locked him in a miserable space of mind.

Just before being able to get up and leave the bathroom too, a little gasp brought him back to reality. Someone entered the room and Doyoung felt like screaming as his eyes landed on who was standing in the doorway. It was no other than said ex, Taeyong, as beautiful as ever, looking at him with his doe eyes as if he just saw a ghost.
Paralysed, Doyoung couldn’t move or react in any way to the other before his whole body suddenly started to heat up. It was almost unbearable and yet he was shaking and freezing at the same time. He wanted to leave, escape this nightmarish encounter which triggered too many emotions at once, a deadly cocktail for Doyoung’s mental health.

What Doyoung didn’t expect nor understood was that Taeyong stepped inside nevertheless and actually moved to close the door behind him, lock it even before turning back around with his back pressed against the door. His eyes fell back on Doyoung who felt like a fly trapped in a spider’s net.
“I didn’t expect you to be here tonight.” Taeyong then said, breaking the silence with a voice as warm as the rays of sunlight which kissed Doyoung’s skin earlier that day, sending a shiver all the way down his spine.
A little scoff escaped his lips, he really didn’t feel like answering the other, hurt, angry and not quite understanding why he was starting a conversation now.
Still, Doyoung tried to avoid being controlled by his emotions again and instead replied even when his mind was protesting at first.
“Yeah.. me neither. Didn’t know Taeil is friends with you two.” Doyoung spoke, his voice surprisingly cold and not what Taeyong was used to. “You two?” The other asked, confusion clearly audible in his voice.
“You know who I’m talking about.” Doyoung confronts Taeyong before lowering his gaze and chewing on his bottom lip, his elbows resting on his knees and hands nervously kneading each other.
“Do you mean Ten?”

“Are you going out with him? It would hurt less if you just punched me in the face.” Doyoung tried to sound strong, but his voice betrayed him, shaking and slightly cracking at the end of the sentence.

“Dongyoung..”
“Just answer my question.” He couldn’t endure this much longer. He just needed clarity so very desperately. As Taeyong didn’t answer to his demand and instead pressed his lips together to a thin line, Doyoung realised. He didn’t even need an answer, his gaze spoke more than a thousand words. “I see.”
“It’s not like that.” Taeyong’s voice suddenly and unexpectedly rang in Doyoung’s ears, but instead of soothing him and encouraging him, these words just sounded like a big fat lie to him.

Yeah sure, it wasn’t like that... He wasn’t stupid nor blind.

The way the two clung to each other, the subtle touches, the way they exchanged looks and always laughed because of each other were signs too obvious to ignore. Doyoung wondered what Taeyong would gain from such a lie. It’s not like he had to protect Doyoung’s feelings now after everything he has been through because of him.
“Don't try to sugarcoat it. I knew this day would come.. It was dumb of me to hold onto any hope of getting another chance with you. It was so obvious all along. You two are a better match. You have the same hobbies and views on life, like to go out, be social. I was always holding you back.” Doyoung’s heart was stinging as he listened to his own words, like someone was drilling a hot needle through it, tearing open the scar Taeyong left behind.

He didn’t care about how pathetic he sounded that very moment, not afraid to show Taeyong what he became without him, that he was very obviously still mourning their relationship and drowning in regrets. After all, it was one of the things Taeyong taught him before, that expressing your feelings and allowing your tears to run freely was an act of strength, not a weakness.

As Doyoung hesitantly let his eyes fall back on the one at the door, he could tell that Taeyong didn’t feel comfortable either. The latter cleared his throat before sighing, his eyes dark and focused on Doyoung who suddenly felt intimidated by the way the other looked. Something in his expression changed, his overall features looking a bit more sharp. Was he angry?
“You never held me back. I told you before that none of these things were the reason for me to break up with you, Dongyoung.” His voice was deeper than before, a little softer, almost like he was holding himself back, wanted to yell at Doyoung’s face but knew he shouldn’t since the others could hear them.
Hearing these words from him caused Doyoung to feel some sort of shame. It was true. Taeyong told him before that these weren’t his reasons for breaking up. Doyoung couldn’t really remember the real reasons though, his memories only a blur, like he was looking through frosted glass. He lowered his head, avoiding eye contact.

“I know we didn’t end things on the greatest terms. I know how angry you were and still are and it’s valid, but I won’t accept you putting words in my mouth. You’re projecting again. “ Taeyong in and exhaled deeply as he saw Doyoung lower his head even more.
“I wish you could see how much you meant to me, that you were my safe haven, my place of comfort, the one to calm me down, to make me feel accepted, where I could just be myself with no shame, discover sides of myself I never knew about. The personalty traits we didn’t share were the ones that kept our relationship exciting. I wasn’t with you for two years and left you because you were holding me back. I felt like I was hurting you just by being myself.” Taeyong explained with glassy eyes, his voice low but loud. He sounded confident yet his voice was trembling.
“I didn’t leave because I lost my feelings for you, Dongyoung. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“I didn’t want you to leave.” Doyoung breathed, the ever-growing lump in his throat making it hard to speak. Apart from that, he also didn’t feel strong enough to even push out any sound louder than a whisper.
“I know.” Taeyong whispered back, slowly stepping over to Doyoung and sitting down on the brim next to him. “But your jealousy was eating you up. it became toxic. More for you than for me.“

Doyoung recalled all the sleepless nights, the calls, the tears, the fights and it was true. The amount of times he made Taeyong cry because of his distrust were unacceptable and he knew his emotions used to take control over his actions until he wasn’t himself anymore.
“I’m sorry.” Doyoung breathed out shakily, choking back his tears, unable to think about the last few weeks of their relationship without feeling guilty yet so very lonely.
It was hard to fight the thoughts of wanting to blame Taeyong and being angry at him for not fighting for their love, but he understood now. Taeyong tried, Taeyong fought. He got tired, he was just as hurt as Doyoung.
“It’s okay.” Taeyong carefully moved his hand to Doyoung’s, covering the back of his left one. “I’m sorry, too.”

With tears in his eyes and his lower lip trapped between his front teeth, Doyoung tried his best to stay calm and enjoy the touch of his ex which he yearned for so much but it was impossible for him. The memories of Taeyong and Ten interacting with each other were engraved in his mind and he didn’t even know where this conversation would lead them. It felt like total nonsense to read into Taeyong’s touch and words when the latter confronted him about his toxic jealousy just a few seconds ago. He didn’t change, both of them knew. How could he? He didn’t have the opportunity to change and learn, grow, forgive and forget.
His heart was racing so very fast, almost painfully fast. He couldn’t handle the tension, the feeling of helplessness, all of these emotions Taeyong’s presence and words brought back to life.

He had to leave, he couldn’t last in this situation any longer, not even another minute. So without a sign he quickly shot up from the edge of the bathtub, ready to run off like the broken hearted young adult that he was. With his hand slipping out of Taeyong’s hold and the warmth vanishing from his skin, he suddenly felt so cold and empty inside again. He didn’t like how much control Taeyong had over him. He had to let go.
Shaking his head, Doyoung reached the door, ready to unlock it, but Taeyong seemed to have a different outcome in mind. He stood up right after Doyoung, followed him to the door and pressed it back shut as the other just managed to pull it open.

“The reason why I'm seeing Ten is that I couldn’t handle being with someone similar to you. Yes, he's the exact opposite of you and I needed that because I couldn’t let go of you. In fact, I still haven't let go of you.” Taeyong sounded more pained than before. “I think about you every day.” He confessed as he leaned closer to Doyoung whose hand was still holding onto the door handle like his life depended on it.

What...

Not being able to handle Taeyong’s words nor him being so damn close to him, Doyoung reached out for the door handle with his other hand as well, hoping to be able to just pull it open with all his force and squeeze through the gap before Taeyong would be able to push it shut again. The latter wouldn't let that happen though and quickly grabbed his hand to tear it away from its destination, stepping even closer and trapping Doyoung at the wall right next to the door.

It was the moment their eyes found each other again, Doyoung’s expression dominated by fear, eyes wide and vision slowly becoming more and more grainy. He felt like fainting. Taeyong was so close to him, too close and his brain stopped working as his gaze accidentally dropped to Taeyong’s lips. Pink, soft, glossy. They were complimenting his beautiful dark hair and eyes and it took Doyoung’s breath away.

In just a matter of seconds their lips were pressed onto each other, Taeyong’s hand holding Doyoung’s tightly, the latter’s other hand which had been holding the handle before now placed on Taeyong’s warm cheek, both their hearts beating just as hard as the first time their lips encountered each other. It felt like their first kiss all over. The heat rising in Doyoung’s body, his weak knees and shaky hands, the butterflies in his stomach, their lips’ movements so subtle that they’re almost not noticeable, but enough to make Doyoung lose his mind over his loved one.
A dream coming true.

With the world stopping around them, they were brought back to reality by a loud knock right next to their heads, causing them to part faster than desired.

“Taeyong.” Doyoung breathed out in haze, small puffs of air ghosting over his lips, eyes locked with Taeyong’s half lidded ones.
“Let’s go home and talk..” Taeyong suggested and Doyoung nodded without hesitation.
Maybe it all wasn’t as bad as he thought. Maybe the torment of seeing Taeyong and Ten at this party was worth it after all.

A/N: Thanks for reading <3
comments are appreciated :3 have a nice day :)