June 2019

You’ve always been a mind over heart person, you’d rather take your time to think over things so that you wouldn’t be regretting anything, rather than going with raw emotions that are in the spur of the moment.

So why can’t you make up your mind about Kim Minjoo?

Since the start, you’ve always been closer to her than normal, and the same goes for her too. You both know that each other’s existence is more special than others, while at the same time, her existence became the most frightening the closer you got to her. 

You tried to tell yourself not to feel anything for her, that she’s just another pretty face and you didn’t want to lose her as a friend by doing anything rash, yet your heart still wavered and your feelings kept growing.

And now you’re in Thailand with her for a concert and by luck you’re sharing a hotel room yet again. Even though the room has two beds, it’s become a routine to lie in the same bed while holding onto her for dear life. Times like this, you feel like all these coincidences such as the model runway in Japan, co-hosting KCON, dying both of your hairs pink, or simply rooming together feels like fate.

“What are you smiling about?” Minjoo snaps you out of your thoughts, you don’t realize that you must’ve had a weird smile on your face this whole time.

“Just appreciating the small things.”

A bright grin is plastered on the younger girl’s face. You hold your breath at how cute she looks right now, you feel like your heart is going to explode the longer you stare at her. “You mean me?”

“Uh?” You’re caught off-guard by Minjoo’s question, she’s being bold and it throws you off-guard in comparison to the usual shy, non-flirty Minjoo that you’re used to.

Her body scoots closer to you so she can look at your face more closely, you can feel her breath and it makes your pulse hasten because one single inch forward can bring you to her lips. It’s dangerous, you’re way too close.

Holding your breath before your desires take over, you turn your body so you’re facing away from her and any temptations.

Great, now you’ve made it obvious. But better obvious than doing something reckless and stupid.

You don’t know what’s gotten into her (but mostly you) tonight. Usually you’d be the one teasing her while she’s at a loss for words, not the other way around. Maybe it’s the hot Thailand weather, or the tangmo pan you shared, or you’re just extra sensitive from the close proximity.

“It’s a cute change of pace seeing you flustered. Who knew I had that effect on the cool, calm, and collected Kim Chaewon?” she giggles, poking at your back innocently.

“You’re embarrassing me!” You feign annoyance, but all Minjoo does is laugh at you.

She moves closer to you and wraps her arms and legs around you like a koala. The way her slightly larger body fits perfectly with yours feels so right, it’s as if she’s the missing puzzle piece in your life.

When did it become like this? Cuddling ever so often and falling asleep in each others’ arms has become a regular occurrence ever since Violeta promotions, when you revealed your horrible sleeping habits and Minjoo suggested that she stay by your side at night when you found it hard to sleep. And maybe you enjoyed it so much that you’ve been telling her to stay with you multiple nights in a row only because you feel so protected in her arms and you’re slowly becoming addicted to her.

And since you may have gotten so used to sleeping by her, there are days where you can’t stand sleeping alone. So you would end up getting into her bed in the middle of night which at first caused Eunbi to freak out the first few times she couldn’t find you the next morning because she was so loud about it. What’s worse is how you have to endure Yujin’s sarcastic comments about how she has two roommates to your embarrassment.

“I really meant what I said this evening, that I’m grateful being with you and that I’m comfortable with you,” Minjoo’s breath is felt on your neck and it sends shivers up to your spine.

You feel your cheeks heat up, unsure if it’s from her hot breath or the sweet talk. Either way, both are good and you can’t help but desire more.

“I’m happy being here with you too.” 

You don’t want to think about the hard and complicated thoughts, such as this unhealthy dependence on each other as if you don’t need anyone else in the world except for her, or how an empty feeling in your chest forms when you’re separated from her, and the lonely nights you have to sleep alone. You shouldn’t feel this way because in the future, you’ll be forced to leave each other’s side and you can’t delude yourself in believing that IZ*ONE will continue after 2021.

Also, Minjoo feels the same way about you. She hasn’t told you but it’s obvious, because it’s her. And maybe you do have feelings for the other girl too, as if it wasn’t plain evident that you hold a soft spot for her. But there are two things holding you back from acting on your heart’s desires: 1) what if her feelings disappear along with IZ*ONE’s impending end in two years and 2) are you even capable of being a good girlfriend? You know you shouldn’t be having these thoughts but objectively speaking, Minjoo can do so much better than you.

“No matter what happens, you can’t leave me. Promise?” You feel Minjoo’s body stiffen as she says those words using that distinct tone of voice whenever she’s feeling insecure. She’s worried. About what, you don’t know nor want to pry, but something tells you that her fears might be similar to yours.

You pull her arm towards you with force so that she’s flipped over and her entire body is pressing on top of yours. She’s on top of you, her head right by yours and on the pillow, her legs straddling yours. The position you’re in right now is just as bad as before.

However, what’s more dangerous is the kind of relationship the two of you have. 

More than friends, but less than lovers. 

The selfish part of you doesn’t want that to change though. 

But you know it eventually will. Either one of you confesses, or IZ*ONE disbands, whichever comes first.

Worst of all, you’re not ready for a relationship in the slightest. In spite of that, you’re taking advantage of Minjoo’s kindness by hogging her all to yourself and treating each other as significant others without the official label. But who can blame you?

Everything about her drives you insane and you swear Kim Minjoo is the reason why you’ve been going crazy since you met her. But you don’t dare admit that outloud or do something bold like kiss her (for now), for that’s something that you’ll come to terms with when life is a little less hectic and you get over your own insecurities so you can be with her without any regrets. 

“Yeah,” you breathe out while playing with her pink hair that matches yours. “Promise.”

Damage control hasn’t always been your strongest forte. 

The moment something falls apart, you don’t know how to pick up the pieces. You either avoid the situation or have someone else clean up after your mess.

Whenever you performed below average at Woollim, Eunbi would cover for you and be punished in your stead if you weren’t good enough or were lacking. You would just cry in your room alone knowing that you didn’t do well enough and others had to take the blame for your shortcomings.

Then when you tried to become the leader during Produce 48’s position evaluations, you did a terrible job at leading the other girls. If it weren’t for Nako being mature and selfless about giving up her main vocal position, you likely would have ignored the discomfort between some of the girls in your team. Therefore, you refused to be the leader for the concept evaluations because you didn’t want to be put in a similar situation.

Unfortunately, your cowardice didn’t just apply to your idol activities. It carried over to your relationships with people as well.

Your inability to express emotions took a toll on your friendships as well as your mental health. On the surface, you had no problems with people. But when it came to conflicts or disagreements, you’d either let people walk out of your life or have others fix things for you which put you in a bad light. And each time that happened, your confidence dropped.

Eunbi has always told you to take things one step at a time though. That self-love and learning how to effectively communicate with others is essential and takes time. Her reason being is that you can’t solve anything by pushing others away, and it doesn't matter how many new friendships you start - they’ll all end the same way.

For a while, you thought things were looking up for you. That you’ve killed most of your bad habits after that talk with Eunbi. 

Except old habits die hard and reappear when you’re placed in the most vulnerable situations.

For once, you just want others to be able to understand you.

Then maybe, just maybe, you’d have some faith in yourself.

You bore holes into Minjoo’s back as she’s walking alongside Chaeyeon after the heated conversation you had with her. She makes a turn in the direction of the other dorm and it stops you in your tracks. Is Minjoo avoiding you by sleeping in the other dorms? The idea of it triggers you to almost take off into the direction of the other dorm until Hyewon stands in front of you and stops you from doing so with a stern look on her face.

“Get out of my way,” a low, threatening voice escapes your lips as you bump shoulders with Hyewon.

“Just let her be.” Hyewon pleads at you.

Fuming at her, you say, “But she-”

A firm hand is placed on your shoulder, you turn and meet eyes with a frowning Eunbi. “Chaewon, that’s enough. If you’re going to talk to Minjoo, now’s not exactly the best time. You’ll just make her more upset and you need to cool down too before you attempt anything.”

You’re tempted to talk back out of pure rage and irritation, but you know it’s not worth arguing with Hyewon and especially Eunbi. You thought things were going in the right direction during the V Live, so why did it turn out like this?

“Sup roomie!” Yena greets you as you settle down into your room after what seems to be a never-ending day.

You give her a lifeless wave as you head into the washroom to clean your face before getting into bed.

Your roommate pokes her head inside and waves her hand obnoxiously in front of your face, blocking your view from the mirror. She tilts her head in confusion while asking, “You good?” 

Slapping her hand away lightly so you can begin washing up, you wish she can read your mind and sense that you’re not in the mood to talk.

“I noticed you were doing a V Live with her, well until the other girls showed up,” Yena proceeds to chat with you normally, despite your unwillingness to start a conversation with her. As much as you like Yena, you really want her to leave you alone because you’re both physically and mentally drained. 

“I guess so.”

“Did it not go well?”

You curse under your breath as you turn the water on full blast and it angrily splashes onto your shirt. Taking a long look at yourself in the mirror, all you feel is disappointment.

You really wish you could tell Yena that things went well.

There’s no point in lying though, she’ll find out one way or another.

“Minjoo lashed out at me and I don’t know why.”

Yena’s eyes widen as she hears what you just said. “What? That’s the first time I’ve heard of her ever getting angry.”

“I know,” you grimace while rubbing off your makeup harder than usual. It stings a bit but you just want to feel something other than the blow from Minjoo’s words. “She doesn’t want to talk to me, like at all.”

“Do you want me to talk to her?”

Imagining the disaster that would be Yena talking to Minjoo would’ve made you laugh if you weren’t in such a terrible state of mind. Too bad it’d probably go even more downhill than it already is as Yena would surely not know how to deal with an upset and angry Minjoo.

“No, don’t. It’ll make things worse.” You give Yena a hopeless look.

“Alright, well… you could always walk over to her room and talk to her about it whenever she’s calmed down. It’s just a few steps over.”

Immediately, your facial muscles stiffen as you take in Yena’s words. “She’s sleeping over at the other dorms because she doesn’t want to see me.”

“O-Oh.”

Contemplating your life decisions, you wonder how you screwed up so bad. Maybe you should threaten Yujin to spill the tea about why Minjoo is acting the way she is, or force Eunbi to let you change roommates so you can be with Minjoo, but most of all you want to tell Hyewon to stop sticking her nose in where it doesn’t belong. 

“Maybe I should just let it be.”

Yena gives you a bewildered look while crossing her arms. “You’re really just going to sit around and do nothing about it?”

“What can I even do?!” your tone raises a pitch as you can feel anger seething through your body. “I thought the V Live was a good idea but to her she only saw it as business.”

“You know, or you should know,” the older girl says casually, “the thing with Minjoo is that she’s pretty sensitive, and you have to be intentional with her. Knowing you, you’re not the best with words and you don’t realize how you make others feel until it’s too late. And yeah maybe she could be less sensitive, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to not communicate with her either.”

“But I didn’t mean to hurt her!” you exclaim loudly as an effort to defend yourself.

Yena knits her brows at your sudden defense. “Well, does Minjoo know that you do?”

A year ago, you would’ve been confident saying yes.

But now? You’re not so sure anymore.

These days, you’re not so good at reading Minjoo like how you used to be able to.

Sounds of disapproval are heard from your roommate that grab your attention. “Why can’t you be more honest around her?”

Your breath hitches at the question being asked.

The answer is loud and clear in your head.

It’s because you don’t know how to.

(More like you’re a coward)

“Chaewon?” A concerned Yena breaks you out of your deep thoughts. 

Your legs feel like jelly as you trudge towards your bed.

The second you manage to lay on your bed, you scream into your pillow because so many thoughts are going on in your head and you don’t even know where to start or how to stop.

All you see and feel are 3 words clouding your mind.

Indecisive, scared, avoidant.

Indecisive of what you want, scared to confront your fears, and avoidant of the mess in front of you.

Your head hurts and you want to end the conversation in case you get triggered even more and it causes you to break down in the middle of the night. 

“Just leave me alone.”

“... Alright.” Yena turns off the lights and gets into her bed. “Don’t regret anything, we do have less than a year left.”

“I know.”

This you know so well.

You close your eyes in hopes that you can dream of an alternate universe where Minjoo is by your side.

Where you aren’t so scared of the unknowns.

The machine beeps and boops as Sakura wins yet another round of games, dozens of tickets shoot out of the game machine and she hangs the tickets around her neck as if it were a necklace. 

“Seriously?” Yena gawks at Sakura as she clutches onto the measly 2 tickets in her hand, while Sakura shrugs in return.

You don’t know how you ended up at the arcade with Yena, Hyewon, and Sakura, but you don’t mind it at all. It’s a nice change from the usual karaoke sessions you’d have with Yuri whenever you needed to let out some stress.

Hyewon raises an eyebrow while saying, “Are you really surprised? You’re going against a professional gamer.”

“At least give me one!” Yena rips a ticket off Sakura’s neck, causing the other girl to shriek.

“Stop it!” Sakura attempts to grab her ticket back from Yena.

Hyewon facepalms at the two girls and wanders off to another area to avoid attracting attention.

You chuckle at the two girls fighting, it truly is never a dull day when Yena and Sakura bicker. Assuming it’ll be a while until they calm down, you decide to look around for a game where you’d probably have the most luck in. You come across multiple things, but nothing comes off as interesting to you. Shooting games are a big no since you’d likely die in the first round with your horrible aim, driving games would make you dizzy, and fighting games are certainly not your forte. 

A machine filled with dozens of stuffed animals and plush toys grabs your attention. You recall Yuri and Yena showing you videos of them trying to win something from claw machines and although it took them many tries and lots of money, the reward in the end seemed fulfilling enough to justify the amount of time and money spent.

You walk through the lane of claw machines, peering at what’s inside each one. There’s an assortment of different things inside: cartoon characters, animals, emojis, food, and Pepe- wait, what? You backtrack a few steps at the claw machine that’s full of Pepe the Frog. You’re almost at disbelief that this is really a prize because it’s almost ridiculous. It almost tempts you to take a picture and send it to Minjoo, except… well you can’t. You don’t have the right to.

“Are you going to play that?” A figure beside you pops out of nowhere. You jump, startled by the sudden voice that it takes you a second to realize that it belongs to Sakura.

Shrugging your shoulders, you notice how the other girl peers into the claw machine and connects the dots in her head. “Ah, it looks like Minjoo.”

“Mmm… yeah it does,” you respond in return while keeping your composure.

Pursing her lips in thought, Sakura’s eyes suddenly gleam. You swear you can almost see an imaginary lightbulb flashing on top of her head and you’re not sure if whatever idea she’s planning to propose to you is a good one.

“Maybe I’ll play it and win one for Minjoo.” Sakura cracks her knuckles in anticipation.

You tense up a bit, not sure where Sakura is going with this idea. “And?”

“Huh? Nothing. You’re not going to play so I’ll do it myself.”

Shoving Sakura aside before she can do anything, you quickly put coins into the machine and it lights up right away. The other girl gives you a playful look, failing to hide that smirk on her face since she knows that you’ve fallen into her trap.

There goes your self-control. One mention of Minjoo has easily caused that to crumble.

“Have you ever used a claw machine before?” Sakura asks you in the midst of the machine starting up. You don’t answer her but you swear you can see the other girl taking pictures or a video of you in the corner of your eye and you’re tempted to snatch her phone out of her hands and end her right there.

It’s not before long that her question gets answered as she realizes that you clearly haven’t used a claw machine before since your movements are sloppy and you completely miss the target. She hollers in laughter, and you’re so close to telling her to screw off before you punch her or get her deported back to Japan.

“Okay, okay. I’ll stop laughing,” she gasps for air to calm herself down. “So first, don’t go for the ones in the corner nor the ones that are hidden underneath something else because you won’t get it. Go for ones that are easy to grab like the ones that are stacked on top.”

You nod your head as a sign of recognition. Taking a moment to search for a specific one that looks quite easy to grab, you lock your eyes on one that’s piled on top of the dozen others lying underneath it. You insert another coin in and the machine starts up again. 

The claw hovers over the frog. You hold your breath and you’re sure that this is it. As your finger hovers over the button to lower the claw, Sakura clicks her tongue at you that stops you so suddenly.

“To the right a bit more, and don’t go down too low when you’re grabbing the frog.” You follow Sakura’s instructions and as you press the button for the claw to go down, you await in suspense. To your surprise, the claw ends up grabbing the frog and drops it down into the box.

Both of you gasp in excitement, Sakura looks thrilled and you in return feel a big smile growing on your lips. You jump up and down and high-five her a bit too hard that it causes her to retract her hand in pain.

Somehow, this isn’t so bad after all. Maybe you should come here more often, the sense of fun you get from here is a whole lot different than singing ballad songs with Yuri in a cramped and dark karaoke room.

The Japanese girl beams, “Minjoo is going to be so happy!”

“Yeah! Wait, what?!” You stop dead in your tracks, looking at the other girl incredulously.

Sakura her head to the side, blinking a few times. “Uh yeah? Aren’t you going to give it to Minjoo? Why else would you win that?”

Honestly, you’re not even sure yourself. Well, that’s a lie, you do know why. But you won’t ever tell Sakura how you wanted to be the only one to win Minjoo a stuffed toy.

“Can you give it to her and say that you won it?”

The second Sakura looks at you weirdly, you can feel your pride shattering because the way she’s glaring makes you want to crawl in a hole. “Did I just hear that correctly? You want ME to give Minjoo the prize that YOU won and say that I won it? Do you know how absurd you sound?!”

You gulp nervously, okay maybe Sakura is right but why can’t she just do you a favor? Didn’t she want to give it to Minjoo anyways? 

“This was your idea wasn’t it? So you can give it to her.” You force an awkward laugh while Sakura watches you disapprovingly.

Sakura scoffs at you in disbelief. “You guys are acting insane! I do NOT want to be involved in this lovers’ quarrel.”

Lovers? Quarrel? What in the world is she talking about? 

You stare at Sakura in disdain, ready to fight her.

“Says yourself! How about you? Who do you even like? Eunbi, Hyewon, or Chaeyeon?!” you snap back at Sakura, without thinking over what you just said.

Her jaw drops in shock.

“Excuse me?!” Sakura screeches at you.

Loud stomps are heard coming towards you, you turn your head and you find Yena with her hands on her hips looking unamused while Hyewon is making a grossed-out face at the whole situation.

“I can’t watch this anymore! What is wrong with you?!” Yena gawks at you like you’ve gone crazy.

“I… I don’t know what you’re talking about. Plus, she started it.”

Yena’s eyes narrow at you. She points at you, then points at Sakura, before pointing at Hyewon in incredulity. “What? Did I just hear that correctly? You can’t be seriou-”

Hyewon nudges her sharply, enticing a yelp from the latter. She hisses at Yena, “Quit it! You’re being dramatic!” 

“Okay fine, let’s just ignore what you just said to Kkura about her having 3 other lovers cause we’ll deal with that another day.” Yena huffs.

“Are you not on my side?!” Sakura looks at both Hyewon and Yena in disbelief.

Hyew