“What was it, Ryeowook? What was the final straw?” Kyuhyun asked Ryeowook in a low controlled voice. If Ryeowook didn’t know better, anybody listening would think they were just talking about something so casual. But Ryeowook knew this was how Kyuhyun would be whenever he would try to hide his own emotions. “How did I lose you?” Kyuhyun asked as he looked at Ryeowook’s eyes, intently waiting for an answer.

“You were too perfect for me,” Ryeowook calmly replied.

That moment, Kyuhyun’s eyes betrayed his composure, as they started to glint with moist coming from the tears quickly forming. But they both promised they were going to be mature and calm about this closure so Kyuhyun did his very best to stop his emotions from bursting out. “Make me understand.”

“Kyuhyun,” Ryeowook started. “I loved being with you. You were everything I ever wanted. And I was so happy. You made me so happy. Until,” Ryeowook paused when he noticed his pitch getting higher. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before looking back at Kyuhyun whose eyes never left Ryeowook’s. “Until I realized you also had everything I ever wanted... for myself.”

Kyuhyun’s expression started to change from confusion to just... pain. He opened his mouth wanting to say something, but he couldn’t come up with anything.

Ryeowook smiled sadly, hating to see such a hurt expression on Kyuhyun’s face. But it took him a long time and a lot of thinking to gather enough resolve to do this, so he made sure he was going to do it properly. He sat closer to Kyuhyun and cupped Kyuhyun’s cheek with his hand.

“I’m sorry, Kyuhyun-ah,” Ryeowook apologized. “Believe me, I am happy for you. I am happy for everything that you have right now. You know how much I wish only the best things to happen for you. You deserve everything. But the more I see you shine, the more I realize how dull my own star is.” Ryeowook’s breathing started to hitch. “When you call me and tell me about your new projects, I do feel happy for you. You know that. But I can’t help but think about my own life. How everyone is so busy, while I’m at home, doing my own stuff independently. I feel so left out in life, Kyuhyun. I love you, and I know I have you, but to be perfectly honest, I feel like I’m stuck at some place, and… I’ve never felt this lonely.”

Ryeowook decided to go with this lie. If anyone knew best about Ryeowook’s feeling of inferiority, it was Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun always did his best to protect Ryeowook’s ego, from everything, as in every single thing, that ever threatened to hurt it. And what Ryeowook said was partly true. He did undergo crisis from time to time, about his life, about his career. However, to say that Kyuhyun’s soaring career was a trigger for it was the one of biggest lies he had ever come up with. Ryeowook was Kyuhyun’s #1 fan. Kyuhyun’s successes felt like Ryeowook’s own, and he loved being able to see it and hear from it directly from Kyuhyun himself. Ryeowook never felt comfortable talking about his own projects, but he could endlessly and tirelessly brag about every single detail of Kyuhyun’s life. Watching Kyuhyun grow and shine from a timid little duckling way back the first time he met him, to the bright shining star that he is now will always make Ryeowook feel enormously proud. And nothing is ever going to change that.

“I’m sorry for feeling this way, Kyu,” Ryeowook continued. “I thought I loved you enough to be able to overcome my own anxieties, but it seems like I’ve overestimated myself. I’m sorry for being weak.”

Kyuhyun still couldn’t find anything to say to respond to what Ryeowook had finally opened up to him. He had no idea it was how Ryeowook felt all along. He could recall all those times when he first told Ryeowook about everything, which was what he did every single time, and he genuinely thought Ryeowook was happy for him. How could he be such an insensitive and not think about Ryeowook’s feelings? How could he even protect Ryeowook, if he was the person hurting Ryeowook the most?

“Please don’t feel bad about this,” Ryeowook said, as if reading the thoughts running in Kyuhyun’s mind. “It’s not your fault. It was never your fault, Kyu. I am the one with issues, and I have to settle these myself. You do not have any fault in this.”

Kyuhyun just looked at him, unsure about everything anymore.

“It’s just that... whenever I’m with you, I keep seeing a part of myself which I despise. And I don’t like how it felt. I–” Ryeowook paused. “I don’t like who I’ve become. And I need some time to think things through. Alone.”

“I’m sorry,” Kyuhyun was able to bring himself to say.

Ryeowook shook his head. “I told you, it wasn’t your fault. I didn’t want to tell you any of these thinking you’d blame yourself for it. But I had to be completely honest, so you would finally understand why it’s never going to work out between us.”

“I’m sorry,” Kyuhyun said again.

“Kyu, I said it’s not—”

“But can you kiss me?”

Ryeowook could only look at Kyuhyun, unsure whether what he heard was right.

“Please kiss me, Ryeowook,” Kyuhyun begged.

His willpower was obviously depleted by their conversation because Ryeowook couldn’t find it in himself to refuse Kyuhyun’s request. Ryeowook leaned in and softly placed his lips on Kyuhyun’s.

With that, Ryeowook could feel Kyuhyun’s tears slowly stream down his face. Ryeowook pulled back to take a look, and his heart broke even more. Kyuhyun wasn’t the type of person to cry over sad things. Kyuhyun always had this strong facade, even in front of Ryeowook. The only times Kyuhyun cried was out of extreme happiness. But this was the first time Ryeowook saw him cry such painful tears, and it was excruciatingly painful for Ryeowook to watch. It was as if his heart was being stepped on, totally crushed on the ground.

Ryeowook, feeling his own tears on his face, held Kyuhyun’s face on both of his hands and kissed him again. 

Ryeowook moved his lips slowly, and tenderly, and he felt Kyuhyun respond to his gesture. Kyuhyun gathered Ryeowook in his arms, pulling the latter on his lap. Ryeowook could feel Kyuhyun’s controlled desire as he felt the other’s arms grip his shoulders tightly pulling Ryeowook even closer. 

Slowly feeling himself give in, Ryeowook’s fingers tangled themselves on Kyuhyun’s soft, fluffy hair, as he pulled the other’s face closer. Ryeowook immediately parted his lips the moment he felt Kyuhyun’s tongue ask for permission.

The warmth from the tears earlier was replaced by the heated passion between them. Who was Ryeowook kidding? He can never get over this man. But it wasn’t like getting over Kyuhyun was part of the original plan anyway. He was going to create some distance between them, hopefully at least back to how they were before they realized their feelings for each other. He never intended on getting over Kyuhyun as he knew it was close to impossible, but he knew he had to let Kyuhyun go.

But Ryeowook decided to do all that and face the pain later. Right now, all that matters is the Kyuhyun in his arms and having him stay there for a few hours which will probably become their last.

They parted their lips, as they both gasped for air, obviously consumed by their need for each other’s proximity. But not long after, Kyuhyun latched his lips on the nook of Ryeowook’s neck and shoulder, which made Ryeowook immediately tilt his head to the side to give the other better access.

That was the other thing. Kyuhyun knew every detail about Ryeowook, and that includes the places in his body that make Ryeowook lose all reason, and totally give in to his desires. Kyuhyun knew where to touch him. Kyuhyun knew how to touch him. And Ryeowook couldn’t imagine anybody else doing it to him. 

Likewise, Ryeowook knew Kyuhyun’s body with the same accuracy. They were each other firsts after all. Since they got together at a young age, they matured along with each other, and that included their ual maturity. But now that Ryeowook thinks about it, breaking up with Kyuhyun also meant giving up the right to be the only one touching him. The thought sent an inexplicable feeling all over Ryeowook, and he held Kyuhyun’s face in his hands once again and brought their lips together for an open kiss. This time, free from the earlier inhibitions. Ryeowook kissed Kyuhyun wantonly to which Kyuhyun responded with equal desire. 

Not breaking the kiss, Kyuhyun finally stood up, carrying Ryeowook who had his legs wrapped around the former. He gently laid Ryeowook’s back on the bed, pulling their lips apart so he could look into Ryeowook’s eyes. They stared at each other's eyes for a few seconds, before Kyuhyun roamed his gaze and gently caressed the face of the person he loves the most.

Kyuhyun’s eyes started with Ryeowook’s forehead, which was a frequent recipient of his “I’m going to work” kisses. He knew by the way Ryeowook blushed how much the latter loved it when he kisses him on the forehead, and their height difference made it conveniently perfect. Kyuhyun smiled as he remembered how Ryeowook would bury his face on the former’s chest to hide his blushing.

Kyuhyun’s thumb found its way to Ryeowook’s groomed eyebrows. He chuckled softly as he remembered so vividly how animated those eyebrows are. The way it dances along with Ryeowook’s emotions, sometimes betraying its owner whenever the owner tries to hide his emotions. Especially when he’s throwing his tantrums. Kyuhyun gave it a light peck with a warm smile embedded on his lips.

Then he gently rubbed his thumb on Ryeowook’s fluffy cheek, feeling the latter’s smooth skin which Kyuhyun knew how much time Ryeowook consumes each day just to maintain its plump, smooth texture. Kyuhyun would sometimes whine about how long his skin care routine would be, taking up some of their babe time, but he also loved seeing Ryeowook glow. He was the most beautiful person for Kyuhyun, he sometimes couldn’t take his eyes off his favorite person. Most of the time, he would just fight the urge to look at Ryeowook at all, especially on stage, because looking at Ryeowook meant looking at him with his heart in his eyes, and that also meant another scolding from the managers.

Kyuhyun lightly pecked Ryeowook’s nose next which he always found so cute. Ryeowook wrinkled his nose as a reaction, making Kyuhyun smile as it was always how Ryeowook would react whenever he did that. He smiled even more, thinking about how the man beneath has always been the Kim Ryeowook that he has come to love since god knows when, and how he has never changed. Or so he thought.

Kyuhyun brushed his thumb on Ryeowook’s lips, those lips which could drive Kyuhyun insane, anytime, anywhere. He always thanked the heavens for giving Ryeowook to him, at least he can devour those lips almost any time he wanted, without having to go to jail after.

But it seems like he won’t be able to do it anymore after today.

He felt Ryeowook’s thumb brush his face to wipe the tears which started to fall once again, without Kyuhyun realizing it. And then their eyes met again, both filled with tears and sadness. Ryeowook pulled Kyuhyun into another kiss. 

Kyuhyun’s lips started to go down Ryeowook’s jaw, and back to that sweet spot on his neck, making Ryeowook whimper in excessive desire, giving Kyuhyun the motivation to go even lower. But Ryeowook felt the abrupt absence of Kyuhyun’s touch so his eyes fluttered open to see what the matter was.

Kyuhyun had his hands on the first button of Ryeowook’s shirt but it did not move. He only stared at Ryeowook’s eyes, as if asking for permission whether he could continue.

Ryeowook smiled as he felt his heart beat faster, overwhelmed with warmth. Always a gentleman, this Kyuhyun. Ryeowook did not have any idea how he’s going to live without him.

With a soft smile and a gentle nod from Ryeowook, Kyuhyun slowly took off the pieces of clothing standing between them as they spent the night with them just loving each other, as if an entire world outside them didn’t exist.

Ryeowook woke up as an arm s its way around him. It was still nighttime, and they were both enveloped by darkness, only the glimmer of the moon providing them a bit of light.

Ryeowook’s mind immediately flashed back to how perfectly their bodies connected, as if they were both molded to fit each other. The way Kyuhyun felt inside him, filling up every void in his being. If Plato’s Symposium was right, if humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces, but were split into half, and both were to find their other halves, then there was Ryeowook’s other half right here. Kyuhyun was Ryeowook’s half. Kyuhyun is Ryeowook’s half. There they were, completing life’s assignment of finding their soulmate. But why is the world being so difficult? Why is something so perfect and right judged by the world as something horrendously wrong? 

“Ryeowook, please don’t leave me,” Kyuhyun gently pleaded, tightening his hold around Ryeowook’s body which fit perfectly in his arms. Their bare skin vulnerably touching each other’s, after letting off layers of clothes and pretenses.

But Ryeowook did not reply. Ryeowook could not reply. He only held Kyuhyun's hands tighter, and kissed them lightly.

Kyuhyun nuzzled as closely as physically possible, instantly regretting what he said as he felt Ryeowook’s damp cheeks. “I’m sorry, Ryeowook,” he apologized as he pulled Ryeowook closer. “I’m sorry. It’s just that, with you, I feel selfish. You’re the only one I want in this world, Ryeowook. I have nothing else but you.”

Ryeowook nodded, silently accepting Kyuhyun’s apology as he bit his lips, trying hard not to let a sob escape. But what Kyuhyun said wasn’t true though, Ryeowook mentally disagreed. Kyuhyun had the rest of the world at his feet; a world that was willing to watch and listen to him for as often as humanly possible. As much as Ryeowook knew every part of Kyuhyun’s body, he knew all of Kyuhyun’s wants and dreams even more. And he could see that Kyuhyun’s dreams were already within his arm’s reach. He had a whole world ahead of him, and Ryeowook couldn’t risk destroying any of those chances for his most beloved. Seeing Kyuhyun’s own world break apart would be like seeing Ryeowook’s whole world crash in front of him.

Ryeowook had nothing, and nobody else, except for Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun was Ryeowook’s entire world. But as so many things have proven, it seems like the only way to preserve it was by not being in it. And Ryeowook had finally come into terms with that. No matter how much he wished differently, no matter how fervently he prayed for it every night, he knew it was not possible. Not in this life. Not in the life they were born with. And not in the life they chose to live. So no matter how much it hurt him, he had finally accepted that the only way to keep his world whole was to remove himself from it. In Kyuhyun’s world, Ryeowook felt like a blackhole. So he would just silently watch his world continue to turn—without him.

Kyuhyun felt Ryeowook’s breaths go back to normal, which he took as a sign as Ryeowook finally falling back into sleep. “I love you,” Kyuhyun carefully whispered. “I love you so much I just want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

‘I love you, too,’ Ryeowook responded in his head. ‘I love you too much, Kyuhyun. I love you enough to endure spending the rest of my life without you.’

Ryeowook softly kissed Kyuhyun’s forehead before carefully getting off the bed to pick up his clothes and leave. He cannot allow himself to sleep beside Kyuhyun and wake up to another morning seeing the latter beside him. He had to fight the urge to do that. Or else he’d have a harder time waking up to all the other mornings with Kyuhyun no longer in it.

[A/N] There's the first chapter! :D It wasn't supposed to start this way, but I suddenly wrote this and got so into it the moment I woke up lmao, and I kinda wanted to establish from the get-go that this isn't going to be written in real life chronological order. :3 All chapters are connected to each other (so it's not really a collection of standalone one-shots) but it's going to be written randomly, so I won't have to force myself to write things according to a certain timeline. XD

Also no, it's not going to be angsty all throughout, I promise... I mean, I hope? Wahahaha. We'll see. :)