Q: I dated someone who was minorly famous (a rapper not an idol) and the reason we broke up was because he expected me to go to every single one of his events, but he would never go to anything of mine like family or work events (I run an art gallery, and he’s never gone to a single exhibit I’ve arranged). Does this happen to you? Isn’t it too much to be into their world without them ever coming into yours?

A: That’s a fair point. I think a certain amount of imbalance can’t be helped, but at the same time, is it even a relationship if they’re not really invested in your life in whatever way they can be? There’s a lot of “normal” things that are a part of my world we can’t do that we would otherwise, but I appreciate that the person I’m dating always asks about what’s going on with me and genuinely seems interested. And when it comes to the important things, sometimes we have to get creative to make them happen, but we always, always make that effort.

 

 

Mark was never one for calling Jinyoung without warning, but as soon as he heard the news, he couldn’t help himself.

 

Luckily, Jinyoung answered right away. “What’s up?” he asked.

 

“Is now a good time?”

 

“I’ll be at the dorm for the next forty minutes. Is something going on?”

 

“I just got some good news. Remember how I told you about the political town hall our university is holding?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“The organizers were looking to sign on interpreters since we have a lot of English-speaking international students in our programs. And…well…I applied for one of the positions, and I was chosen to translate all questions from English speaking audience members into Korean for the attending politicians.”

 

“OH MY GOD!” Jinyoung yelled, blasting Mark’s eardrums. “That’s amazing, Mark! Congratulations! You totally deserve it.”

 

“Mmm, well, I’m just glad all my language studies are paying off.” Still, Mark couldn’t hold back a grin. He’d been practicing in secret by watching GOT6’s performances and trying to interpret their MC dialogues on the spot into English. It was a good exercise since all the members had a habit of talking at once, so it really tested his listening and response skills.

 

“Is the event open to the public?” Jinyoung asked.

 

“Yes, but you have to register ahead of time. The seats for the general public are limited.”

 

“Can I come?” Jinyoung asked eagerly. “I really, really want to see you for your big interpreter debut.”

 

Mark considered. “I mean, I’d love for you to come, obviously. But are you sure it’s a good idea? When you register, you have to put down your real name. Park Jinyoung’s a pretty common name, but if anyone found out it was you…”

 

“I highly doubt anyone would assume ‘dating’ from me attending a town hall.”

 

“But is GOT6 allowed to get political? I don’t know how sensitive JYP is about that.”

 

“Hmm.” Jinyoung fell silent. “I don’t really know either. Is it a partisan town hall?”

 

“There are assembly members from both the Democratic and People Power parties attending.”

 

“All right…” Jinyoung made a low humming noise. “Let me see what I can do. But still, I’m so proud of you! If you need me to help you brush up on your Korean, let me know. You’ve helped me so much with my English that I definitely owe you.”

 

“Heh. Well, no one is going to find my Korean as y as your fans find your English.”

 

“Your Korean is plenty y, but then again, I’ve never really heard you talk about taxes and health care. It might change my mind.”

 

“Jinyoung-ah, I’ll break down your tax credits and deductions all night long,” Mark said in a low, husky voice.

 

“Well, in that case…”

0

 

Don’t move your goalposts.

 

That was how you got advice from Americans: in sports metaphors. Keep your head in the game. Don’t drop the ball. Cover all your bases. The ball is in your court. Run interference.

 

When Mark had told his sister that he was dating a pop idol, after she’d gone through all her questions about what that was like and how that would work, that had been her final advice: don’t move your goalposts too much when you’re making it work. If he can’t invest enough time and energy into your life to genuinely satisfy you, don’t force yourself to be satisfied just to keep the relationship going.

 

It had taken Mark awhile to truly understand what that meant. But as he grew up and learned from his own relationships and the relationships of others around him, it became clearer. Even if you thought there were things you were firm on, or had dealbreakers that you couldn’t be flexible about, if you loved someone, you would usually want to be accommodating, even if it meant putting up with something you didn’t want to put up with. But in doing so, you might find yourself excusing real problems and letting a person trample over your needs and wants in the name of love—moving the goalposts to make it easier for them to hit the mark, but at the same time sacrificing your own limits and boundaries in the process.

 

So early on in their relationship, Mark had to really think about what would be “enough” for him. Would he be OK if Jinyoung had to regularly cancel dates? Would he truly be fine existing within a very secret relationship?

 

He had to make a real effort to establish what exactly he wanted so he didn’t accidentally move the goalposts without thinking. So he always put it into words: “If Jinyoung has to cancel dates from time to time, that’s fine—as long as he lets me know as soon as possible and makes an effort to reschedule, that will be enough. If he doesn’t bother to explain himself or refuses to work out a new time, that’s not OK” or “I don’t mind if we have to keep our relationship secret to the general public, as long as we tell the people closest and most important to us, that will be enough. If he keeps us permanently hidden from his friends and family, that’s not OK.”

 

And this time, he planted his goalposts firmly in his mind: “It’s fine if Jinyoung isn’t able to attend. If he supports me through the process and is really, genuinely interested in what I’m doing, that will be enough. If he doesn’t really care or forgets all about it, that’s not OK.”

 

He wasn’t going to move those goalposts.

 

But the thing about Jinyoung?

 

He hit the goal every time without the posts shifting an inch.

0

 

It was only a few days later that Jinyoung got back to him about it.

 

“Guess what?” Jinyoung asked in an excited voice.

 

“What?”

 

“I’m going to your event. And not only that—Jaebum, Youngjae, and Yugyeom are coming, too.”

 

Mark blinked. “For real?”

 

“For real! I talked to the big bosses about it from the angle of it being an election year, and all of us going out there and informing ourselves sets a good, positive example for our fans. People have actually had really good responses for the most part to idols engaging in activism, as long as it’s informed and not overly combative, so it’s arguably a good look for us. So I used all my persuasive power to convince the big bosses of that, and they agreed!”

 

Mark was still caught off guard. He’d really thought there was no way their agency would be onboard. “It was that easy?”

 

“I never said it was easy. But I really argued my case for it! And I mean, it’s not like I was lying. We should be informed about the platforms of our assembly members.” Jinyoung paused. “Are you unhappy that I’m coming?”

 

“Of course not! I’m thrilled!” Mark beamed, finally believing that it was actually happening. “Seriously, Jinyoung, you being so excited about it and helping me practice was already enough! You didn’t need to do anything more than that!”

 

“Yes, I did,” Jinyoung said firmly. “For me, it’s not OK if I skip your early career milestones. This is a huge deal, Mark! As if I’d miss it!”

 

Mark’s heart softened. “Ah, Jinyoung. You really knock it out of the park every time, don’t you?”

 

“Huh? Knock what out of which park?”

 

“Nothing. Just me and my sports metaphors. Hey, maybe you should teach me a few Korean metaphors to switch things up.”

 

“Well, since you’re an American, how about I teach you the one about building a wall…”

 

---

 

Q: I’ve always wondered how common it is for fame to go to a person’s head. Does the person you’re dating have the “celebrity-disease”?

A: The person I’m dating has pretty much the opposite of the celebrity-disease. I have to tell them how special they are, and half the time, they still don’t get it!

The way I look at it, becoming a celebrity doesn’t entirely change who a person is. It can definitely amplify some of their existing traits, though…so someone who was self-centered, spoiled, temperamental, rude, or greedy will likely just become more so. The person I’m dating isn’t like that at all, but that definitely isn’t true of a lot of people…

 

 

“Actor Jinyoungie~”

 

“You can stop saying that.”

 

“My top actor Jinyoungie!”

 

“Mark!”

 

Mark grinned, powering down the TV. “Seriously, though, you’re amazing. I haven’t been hooked on a drama like this in the longest time. You should be proud of yourself.”

 

Jinyoung sighed. “Is it enough, though?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You know how big the stigma against idol actors is. Do you think my performance was good enough to contradict that?”

 

“I think so. But you know, Jinyoung, the fact that there are other idols that isn’t your responsibility.”

 

“I know. But still, I’m inevitably going to be judged based on that.”

 

“I’d like to see anyone try to judge you harshly after watching the same episode I just watched.”

 

Jinyoung finally smiled. “Mmmm. You’re way too biased.”

 

“Not at all. I think I’m usually pretty fair, right? I gave an honest critique of all your albums when I listened to them the first time, after all.”

 

“That was before we started dating.”

 

“Yeah, well…I gave an honest critique of several of your wardrobe choices after we started dating, didn’t I?”

 

“True. But clothes are clothes. You’ve never dissed my actual singing and dancing ever, even if you’re not a huge fan of a particular song.”

 

“That’s because nothing’s wrong with your singing or dancing. Or your acting.” Mark nudged him with his foot. “Do you have any acting projects lined up after this?”

 

“My agency sent a script my way, but I don’t really know if I want to go for it.”

 

“The quality’s not good?”

 

Jinyoung shook his head. “No, it’s fine. I just heard about one of the actors under consideration for the lead role, and he’s a bit…”

 

“A bit…? Prejudiced against idol actors?”

 

“Not exactly. More like he’s apparently a bit of an to anyone beneath him, like rookie actors and staff. I’ve heard too many rumors about him being a nightmare to work with for it to be unfounded.” Jinyoung shrugged. “I don’t really want to put myself through that kind of work environment if I don’t have to. Which I know I’m lucky to say—a lot of rookie actors and especially the staff don’t have much of a choice. The guy’s a popular actor.”

 

Mark wrinkled his nose. “I really can’t stand people like that. Picking on targets who can’t even say anything because of ‘rank’ is so cowardly.”

 

“Personally, I think picking on anyone is cowardly.”

 

“True enough. Do you meet a lot of people like that?” Mark suddenly sat up, eyes narrowing. “You’d tell me if you were being bullied, right?”

 

Jinyoung laughed. “Your concern is really sweet, but I haven’t had issues with that since I was a trainee.”

 

“Jaebum bullied you?!?!”

 

“Not Jaebum! There were other trainees, you know, other than the ones that ended up in GOT6 with me. And some of them kind of . But overall, most of the people I meet in the industry are great. As for the ones that aren’t, well…it’s a small world. Word about the openly ty ones usually travels fast.”

 

“And what’s your reputation in the industry?”

 

“Handsome,” Jinyoung said.

 

Mark smiled. “Sounds about right to me.”

 

“I’d rather be thought of as talented.”

 

“People absolutely think you’re talented, Jinyoung. And before you say anything, it’s not just me. And even if it was just me, I wish you’d listen to me a little more. Even right now, you’ve got an ‘I don’t believe you’ look in your eyes.”

 

“Isn’t that better than being egotistical?”

 

“Jinyoung, you’ll never be egotistical. It’s not in your DNA, so why would you even worry about it? If I ever heard rumors about you being a nightmare to work with, I’d send whoever said it to get diagnosed for a pathological lying problem.” Mark squeezed his shoulder. “So for you, it’s totally fine to believe in yourself a little harder. I wouldn’t overstate how great you are just because I happen to be in love with you.”

 

“Mark. You’ve told me before I was a better dancer than Yugyeom.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I’m not a better dancer than Yugyeom!”

 

“Yugyeom’s great, but when it comes to dancing or life in general, I’m not a leg man, I’m an man, so for people like me, you’re the better one, right?”

 

Jinyoung snorted in disbelief.

 

“I swear to god, I don’t over praise you. At all.”

 

“You do, and this isn’t just me being modest. It’s OK to be a little bit blinded by love.” Jinyoung leaned in closer. “And just so you know, I may tell you it’s too much, but I still love it anyways. I can’t always believe in me, but because you’re like this, you make it so easy to believe in the me you believe in.”

 

“…that’s a good thing, right?”

 

“It’s definitely a good thing.” Jinyoung rested his head against Mark’s shoulder. “So are you planning on telling me exactly what you liked about my performance or am I going to have to assume it was my abs?”

 

---

 

Q: Does the celebrity you’re dating spoil you with their riches? If so, how are you supposed to do anything for them as far as gifts go when they earn so much more than you? What do you give a person who has everything?

A: Do they spoil me? I guess, kind of. I do get gifts from time to time (usually clothes, since I’m into fashion), but they’re not really all that shocking when it comes to the price tag. My significant other focuses more on how much I like it vs. how much it costs.

As for what you give a person who has everything—the truth is, they don’t have everything. It takes being with a person to really learn the things that will make them really happy, and most of the time, those kinds of things don’t come at a such a very high price.

 

 

“So, Jinyoung’s birthday is coming up,” Jaebum commented. Mark had dropped by their dorm since he was nearby visiting another friend. “What are you getting him?”

 

Mark showed him Jinyoung’s text message on the matter: Make me a nice cake, sing the happy birthday song, and spend as much time as you can with me. That’s all the gift I need.

 

“Yeaaaaaah, I’d still get him something,” Jaebum said, rubbing his chin. “Just to go above and beyond, you know? I personally like to have a stock of nice things I’ve done to remind Jinyoung of when he gets mad at me.”

 

This was actually a good point. Mark was guilty of making Jinyoung mad from time to time (but with Jinyoung it was rarely ‘you made me mad’ over ‘you personally wronged me’). They were always able to talk it out and find a solution, so it wasn’t like Jinyoung wasn’t capable of forgiveness

 

It’s just that when it came to forgiving quickly versus drawing it out for as long as possible, Jinyoung would choose the latter nine times out of ten. When that happened, Jaebum was absolutely right—it was good to have leverage to help soothe things along a little faster.

 

“But I told him not to get anything for my birthday,” Mark told Jaebum. “He’ll get mad at me if I get him something after saying that.”

 

“Why wouldn’t you want a present from him?”

 

Mark shuffled his feet. “I didn’t want him to be overly generous. Money-wise.”

 

Jaebum shook his head. “I thought you came from money yourself? Anyways, I don’t think money would have ever been a consideration for Jinyoung. He would have gotten you something thoughtful either way.”

 

“I know.” And Mark did know that. Jinyoung was not in the slightest preoccupied with money or spending it on Mark. But still, Mark had been cautious. He didn’t want Jinyoung to get him a gift on a scale he couldn’t match, so he’d thought it best to avoid that kind of scenario entirely.

 

But maybe he’d been wrong. Jaebum probably knew best—he wasn’t Mark’s ‘leader,’ but Mark still felt compelled to listen to him when he suggested anything nonetheless.

 

“Do you know about anything Jinyoung needs?” Mark asked Jaebum.

 

Jaebum shrugged. “Hey, don’t ask me to solve the mystery of Jinyoung for you. That’s your job.”

 

While he was visiting that night, Mark did a careful sweep of Jinyoung’s room to see if he could identify any things Jinyoung was in need of or might at least like to have. It was tricky, though—he wasn’t a materialistic person by any means, and while he did like amassing novels, Mark didn’t know enough about Korean literature to really contribute to that.

 

And there was no point in asking Jinyoung. If he asked, “What do you want?”, he’d probably wind up shoved into bed. But in Mark’s mind that wasn’t a gift—it was something he’d give anyways, regardless of things like birthdays or special occasions.

 

After a while, he changed tactics. Instead of thinking “What gift does Jinyoung want?” he considered “What gift do I want to give Jinyoung?”

 

And as soon as he thought of that, the answer came to him almost immediately. He wanted to give back part of a gift Jinyoung had given him over and over again since they’d been together.

 

So when Jinyoung left the bedroom to go to the bathroom, Mark did something he would have never done otherwise.

 

He stole Jinyoung’s lyric notebook.

 

0

 

Unsurprisingly, he got a text not too long after: Mark, did I leave my lyric book at your dorm?

 

Mark felt marginally guilty when he wrote back. Yeah, I just noticed that this morning. You can pick it up when you come over for your birthday?

 

I can’t come get it sooner than that?

 

Idk, I’m going to be out of town for a bit coming up to go to a special lecture ☹ Is it an emergency? I thought you were hitting a block on the song you were working on?

 

Yeah, but I should at least pretend to be working on it…Jaebum and Youngjae have already submitted new songs for consideration…I’m the only one running late.

 

Well, maybe I can provide inspiration on your birthday to help you finish? 😉

 

Mark, it isn’t supposed to be a y song.

 

Did I say anything about y?

 

That wink emoji said a few things, yeah.

 

But Jinyoung didn’t insist on coming to get the notebook, so Mark kept it right where it was.

 

0

Making a nice cake was easier said than done when it came down to it. The dorms didn’t have a kitchen, so Mark had to get special permission to gain access to the kitchen in the student union. He didn’t want to be lazy and use a mix, so he had to get all the ingredients as well, since he didn’t have flour and sugar just chilling out in his dorm snack box.

 

It had been a long time since he’d made a cake, but he put everything into it, even piping frosting on top and a message of “Happy Birthday, Babe.”

 

It was probably a humble offering. The whole thing probably was—it was entirely within Jinyoung’s capabilities to date someone rich and luxurious who could take him out to a five-star restaurant and commission a personalized three tier cake from a French bakery.

 

And yet Jinyoung came back to him in his crappy dorm room by choice—happily. That wasn’t something that ever slipped Mark’s mind. He wasn’t someone Jinyoung was settling for. He was what Jinyoung had chosen. Imperfectly baked cake and college lifestyle and all.

 

He would have pulled down the stars from the heaven to fill Jinyoung’s skies if it was within his powers. He would have bottled up every happy feeling in the universe and wrapped a bow around it. But it meant everything that Jinyoung didn’t ask him to—that he was happy with everything Mark was actually capable of giving him.

 

Jinyoung arrived just as Mark was finishing up cleaning the dorm.

 

Mark immediately burst into song. “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, dear Jinyoung! Happy birthday to you!”

 

Jinyoung’s smile was electrifying as he clapped. As soon as he was done, he pointed to his lips, and Mark happily came over and granted his birthday wish with an enthusiastic kiss.

 

“Mmmm, I love you, old man,” Mark murmured into his lips.

 

“Come on, you’ll always be older than me, grandpa.”

 

“My comparative immaturity makes me ageless.”

 

“Shut up,” Jinyoung advised, kissing him quiet.

 

Mark pulled away slowly. “Before devouring me, don’t you want your cake first?”

 

“I don’t know. Is your roommate planning on coming back to the dorm tonight?”

 

“Nope. We get the room all night. So no rush, right?”

 

Jinyoung bit his lip. “All right, all right, let’s have cake first, then. Did you really make it yourself?”

 

“Of course I did, you asked me to. I’ll be good and listen to the birthday boy.”

 

“You should be careful when saying that. I might actually take you up on it.”

 

“Feel free to…within reason.” Mark cut Jinyoung a slice of cake, scooped up a bit on his fork, then ferried it towards Jinyoung’s mouth. “Here comes the airplane.”

 

Jinyoung opened up and took a bite. “Mmmmm! It’s actually good!”

 

“What’s with the tone of surprise?”

 

“I don’t know, baking’s all about following instructions, and I feel like you only listen to me 50% of the time.”

 

“Heh, come on. You like it when I play with you.” Mark swallowed. “So…I have a confession.”

 

Jinyoung’s eyes narrowed. “Please tell me you didn’t do something bad on my birthday of all days.”

 

“Kind of. I didn’t listen to you.”

 

“About…?”

 

“You told me I didn’t have to get you a gift.”

 

Jinyoung sighed. “Mark! You told me not to get you anything and I didn’t…if you got me something, what kind of boyfriend does that make me?”

 

“A good one. Nothing I do can ever change that.” He reached for his desk and grabbed Jinyoung’s lyric notebook, handing it back to him. “Here. Happy birthday.”

 

“Oh…” Jinyoung laughed. “Wait, you’re trying to pass off returning my notebook as a gift?”

 

“Maybe…” Mark smiled. “You should open it.”

 

Jinyoung gave him a weird look. “…why?”

 

“Just do it.”

 

Jinyoung flipped through the notebook until he reached the end of the filled pages. As soon as he saw it, his eyes widened.

 

Mark suddenly understood why Jinyoung always got nervous when Mark looked at his songs. He felt his nerves flutter. What if Jinyoung hated it? What if Jinyoung took it as an insult? He wished he could see the answer in Jinyoung’s face, but he really had no idea.

 

After a few moments, Jinyoung looked up sharply. “Mark.”

 

“Y-Yes?”

 

“How the did you know what I wanted to say in this song when even I didn’t really know?”

 

Mark exhaled. “I don’t know. Maybe we’ve reached the finish each other’s sentences stage of the relationship?”

 

“Do you really not know?”

 

Mark smiled faintly. “Well…you finished half of each verse and half of the chorus, so I wondered…maybe what the song needed was your other half. So…”

 

“Wow. Cheesy, but apparently true.” Jinyoung looked back down at the lyrics. “I did want it to be like a dialogue between lovers. But I suppose I can’t have that kind of dialogue without you participating.” He looked back up. “These lyrics…is this what you feel about me?”

 

“Of course it is.”

 

“You jerk!”

 

“P-Pardon me?”

 

“You can’t just pull out some grand romantic gesture on me when I didn’t do the same for you for your birthday!” Jinyoung placed his hands on his hips. “Screw it. I’m going to buy you a car.”

 

“Don’t! I don’t have anywhere to put it.”

 

“A trip to Paris?”

 

“I mean, you could, but I think your fans might notice if you jetted off for a week.” Mark took his hand. “I want you to sing it. That’s all I want.”

 

“Are you sure that’s enough?”

 

“It is. Come on, Jinyoung. This is the first time I’ve ever written something for you. You’ve written me plenty. You don’t owe me anything.”

 

“Right…” He traced his fingers against the words, a smile growing on his face. “Mark?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Let’s not tell each other not to buy gifts again. I may not owe you anything. But next year, I want to make you as happy as you just made me.”

 

“But you did.”

 

“I can take you higher than that. I know I can.” Jinyoung pressed his lips against Mark’s. “But don’t worry about it. I know you’ll keep taking me higher, too.”

 

---

 

Q: Does it really when they're super busy or go on tour?

A: The good thing about Korea is that it's a small country. No matter how busy they get, it's not like they're that far away when they do have a break. Especially if you're based in Seoul.

 

Some groups do international tours. I'm not going to say if the person I'm dating has gone on one because that would be a clue. But tours—whether in Korea or around the world— don't last forever, and just like with any relationship that involves distance, the key is not neglecting to reach out and let the other person know you're thinking of them or missing them.

 

“What the heck is up with this?” Mark’s roommate asked, rapping his knuckles against the tabletop calendar propped up against the wall. Each day was broken down carefully by hour and each time was color coded in an organized fashion. In other words, it was the last kind of calendar on earth someone like Mark would have.

 

“My boyfriend made it,” Mark explained, shrugging. “So I know where he is and what he’s doing this month, mainly so I know when I can call him.”

 

“Uhhhh?”

 

“He’s on tour.”

 

“Ahhhh…gotcha.” He stared at it a little longer. “Still, though, this is a bit much, isn’t it?”

 

Mark shrugged again. “The last time he went on tour, we winged it as far as getting in touch with each other, and it felt like we barely talked the whole time because we could never catch each other awake and not busy at the same time. It wasn’t great.”

 

“Really? I mean, I love my girlfriend, but at the same time, I don’t think I’d mind a month off of all dating obligations. I’d totally just play video games and eat pizza all day without her around to keep me in line.”

 

Mark smiled faintly. “You say that, but it’s not worth it. Take my word for it.”

 

He probably could have explained what he meant. What it felt like to go from having the person you love color your every day in both big and little ways and then gradually have that color seep away day by day, so slowly that you don’t even realize that your existence has become monotone until you’ve already grown accustomed to it.

 

But it wasn’t something that could be explained in the same way it was felt. Even if he described it in the most evocative words he knew, he was pretty sure he couldn’t capture what his heart had gone through the day Jinyoung got back. The moment he opened the door and looked into his eyes and realized “You’ve been having these incredible, life-changing experiences in your career for an entire month, and you and I didn’t share a single moment of it.”

 

“Are you fine being without me?” Jinyoung had asked him in a quiet voice that night.

 

“Are you fine being without me?” Mark asked in return.

 

“I don’t feel fine right now,” Jinyoung said. “I don’t want this to happen again, Mark.”

 

“Then let’s not let it happen, Jinyoung.” He leaned in, kissing his forehead. He should have made a goalpost for this: It’s fine if we don’t see each other for weeks, as long as we make an effort to talk a lot and not fall off the radar, that will be enough. But if we neglect each other and get too used to not talking, that’s not OK.  “I’m sorry.”

 

“No, it was my fault, too. I’m sorry.”

 

When the next tour dates came, Jinyoung dropped the calendar off at Mark’s dorm. And though it really was the last kind of calendar someone like Mark would use, he dutifully filled in his schedule right beside Jinyoung’s, and made note of every single place where they’d have time to talk.

0

It was one in the morning when Mark got the video call notification, but he was wide awake and ready for it. Since his roommate was actually in the room for the night, he’d staked out the dorm’s private study room and claimed it for his use for the next hour.

 

Jinyoung’s face flooded the screen and Mark couldn’t hold back a smile. “Hey, you!”

 

“Hey! I’m not keeping you up too late, am I?”

 

“Don’t worry about it. It’s late morning there, right?”

 

“Yup. We’ll be heading over to the venue for rehearsals in a bit.”

 

“Did you eat breakfast?”

 

“Mhmm. The hotel serves it complimentary. I had eggs and sausage.” He leaned back against a pile of hotel pillows. “How was your day?”

 

“Pretty unexciting. Just classes and stuff, and I spent the evening at the gym.”

 

“You’ve been saying that every time I ask!”

 

“Well…that’s my life for you. Can’t really beat going on tour across America.”

 

“Can you zoom the camera out a little?”

 

“Why?”

 

“Just want to confirm you’re actually going to the gym.”

 

“What, you don’t suspect me of cheating, do you? After you always say how much you trust me?”

 

“It’s not cheating that I suspect you of. It’s playing video games 24/7.”

 

Mark rolled his eyes but stuck his arm out, distancing himself from his phone.

 

Jinyoung didn’t say anything, but his eyes got wide.

 

“What?” Mark asked, glancing down. He worried for a moment that there was some kind of glaring stain on his shirt, but there didn’t seem to be.

 

“Your arms,” Jinyoung said slowly.

 

“…yeah?”

 

“What the hell, Mark?”

 

Mark stared at him in alarm. “Jinyoung, I had this tattoo the last time I saw you, don’t tell me you have a problem with it now.”

 

“It’s not your tattoo! It’s your arms!”

 

“What about them?”

 

“I want to touch them!”

 

“What?”

 

“Seriously, why did you beef up like that while I’m gone and can’t enjoy it? It’s not fair to me, is it? Am I supposed to just imagine what it feels like to be embraced by those arms without really knowing?”

 

“Weirdo.”

 

Mark started to lean back into the camera, but Jinyoung immediately protested. “No, I’m not done looking!”

 

“Do you have some kind of arm that I should know about?”

 

“Not particularly. You just look unfairly hot with those kind of muscles, and I’m very much regretting being on the other side of the globe right now. Any chance of you getting a plane ticket…?”

 

“Jinyoung, I’m still in school.”

 

“I know, I know. Ugh.” He lowered his voice. “How long has it been since you and I have done it?”

 

“I dunno, like the day before you left, right? Did you want me to mark that down on the calendar?”

 

“So it’s been a while. Do you think…?” He glanced around furtively. “I mean, Youngjae’s not here right now and it’s probably going to be a while before he comes back.”

 

“I’m in a study room right now, not my bedroom. There’s a glass pane on the door. Sorry, but I’m not going to do anything that will get me suspended.”

 

“You won’t get suspended if you take off your shirt, will you?”

 

“Jinyoung.”

 

Jinyoung sighed in defeat. “Fine! Be that way! But you owe me—you better keep those muscles ready for me when I get back.”

 

“Err, yeah, that shouldn’t be a problem. You’re only going to be gone five more days, right? They shouldn't disappear that quickly.”

 

“Good. But don’t neglect them when I get back either.”

 

“I’ll try, but the time I go to the gym is usually the best time for us to get together when you’re home, right?”

 

Jinyoung chewed on his lip. “Well… how about I come to the gym with you sometimes, then? We can spot each other.”

 

“Sure, I wouldn’t mind. As long as you rein your little muscle in when we’re working out.”

 

“It’s not a ! It’s just a mild appreciation!” Jinyoung huffed. “I mean, it’s probably amplified by the fact that I miss you right now.”

 

“You miss me?”

 

“What, don’t you miss me?”

 

“I’ve never missed anyone so much in my life. But still. It’s been better this time, right? We’ve been talking every day, even if it’s just a little.”

 

“It has been so much better. But nothing beats being together in person. I can’t kiss you and your muscles through the phone after all.”

 

“I feel like I’m going to get pounced on when you see me.”

 

“Oh, you absolutely are. Prepare yourself.” He paused. “Hey, Mark?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Next time we go on tour, what do you think about coming around for part of it? We usually go to LA, after all…you could tie it into a visit home?”

 

Mark smiled. “If my schedule allows for it, I’ll do it in a heartbeat. You’re not the only one who is going crazy about not being able to touch right now.”

 

---

 

Q: Do you guys ever talk about what the future is going to be like between you? Like, realistically, you’ll never be able to marry and have kids until they’re past 30, right?

A: This is a really difficult one. I don’t even know that we’ve fully come to an answer about the future ourselves.

We put off talking about it for a long time. But when we finally did talk…we decided that come what may, because we love each other and want to stay together, we’ll try our best to find a future that works for us, no matter what that looks like.

 

Mark reached down, Jinyoung’s hair with his fingers and wondering if he was still awake. He’d just gotten back from a long rehearsal and was dead tired. Almost as soon as he’d shown up, he’d dropped his head in Mark’s lap and said, “Can we just snuggle and watch TV? I’m about to die.”

 

That sounded like a perfect evening to Mark. As much as he liked talking to Jinyoung, sometimes it was more than enough just to be with him quietly, giving him a welcoming lap to doze in when he needed one.

 

There’s wasn’t much on TV he was interested in watching, so he settled on one of those varieties about celebrities and their kids. It was surprisingly enjoyable. He had nieces back home, and watching the little kids on the show made him miss them. He loved being the cool uncle. He loved being around their infectious energy and sticky hugs and kisses. Of course it was nice not to have to be around for the tantrums and meltdowns—but kids were overall really great, weren’t they?

 

Mark laughed as one of the kids on the variety gave her long suffering dad attitude with a flip of her ponytail.

 

“Sounds just like you when you’re in one of your moods,” Jinyoung commented. Apparently, he was still awake.

 

“I want my kid to be just like that one day, even if it means getting a kick to the ego.”

 

“Mmmm. Well any kid you raise is sure to have an attitude.”

 

“You think?”

 

Jinyoung was silent for a long moment before he sat up and took the remote from the table, turning the TV off. “Mark.” His voice was unhappy. Not the angry tone that heralded an argument and a subsequent cold shoulder treatment. Just unhappy.

 

Mark studied his heavy expression, feeling worried. “Is something wrong?”

 

“I really, really don’t want to talk about this now. But I don’t want to run away from it either, so…” He clutched his hands together tightly. “When you talk about having kids in the future, you always say ‘my kid.’ Never ‘our kid.’ So I can’t help but wonder who it is you imagine yourself having this family with, and if I have anything to do with it.”

 

Mark’s mouth fell open a little. He hadn’t been expecting that. He hadn’t even noticed he’d had a habit of saying ‘my kid’ instead of ‘our kid’ to begin with.

 

Jinyoung winced. “I’m sorry if that came out too aggressively. I’m not trying to fling accusations here. I just think…you probably know subconsciously that if you want kids, that it might not be possible with me.  And if that’s going to be a problem, I guess…I guess I should know about it now rather than later. I want you to be honest with me. If we’re not going to be able to have kids, do you still want to be in this relationship? If we can’t get married, do you still want to be with me? Because I don’t want to break up with years down the road over it. I love you, and I want to be with you for the long run. So please just tell me now if that can’t happen.”

 

Mark was still nearly speechless. “Now?” he croaked.

 

Jinyoung hesitated. “I’m putting you on the spot, aren’t I? I’m sorry. Can you just tell me what you have on your mind about it, and we can talk? Is that OK? Because we need to talk about it. I’ve known that for a while, but I was afraid to do it. I don’t want to lose you.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere, Jinyoung,” Mark said swallowing. “But…you really think we’re not going to be able to get married?”

 

Jinyoung’s face crumpled a little. “I…I just don’t know. I always thought things in Korea would be different by time I was ready to get married. I thought we’d copy off America just a few years after they allowed gay marriages. I thought celebrities would start coming out when they did in other parts of the world. But that didn’t happen. There’s barely anyone out. And I can’t…I can’t do it alone. I can’t do it in this kind of environment where there’s barely anyone else in the industry with me. I’m not brave enough to be a martyr.”

 

Mark nodded. He couldn’t really judge that. In Jinyoung’s shoes, he wasn’t sure he would be able to do it either.

 

“And if I can’t even promise that marriage is an option, how can I even begin to promise something like children?” Tears budded in Jinyoung’s eyes. “So really, I can’t really offer anything but myself. And even though I know you love me, I’d understand if that isn’t enough.”

 

“Don’t say that.”

 

“But it’s true! You would be justified in wanting children! In wanting someone you can share your life openly with! I can understand that! I’d completely understand that! But…” He took a shuddering breath. “You have to tell me. You have to tell me that it’s a dealbreaker. Because if we’re together for longer than this and I’m going to have to let you go…” Jinyoung shook his head. “I won’t be OK. I won’t be OK now, but the deeper you come into my life, the more of me that’s going to be ripped out if you leave. Do you understand me?”

 

Mark nodded. “I understand you.”

 

“So…?”

 

“I don’t think I can give you a fair answer right this minute. I…I’ve been avoiding thinking of it, too.” He reached out, taking Jinyoung’s hand. “I love you. I really love you. That’s all I know for sure right this second.”

 

“If only life could be comprised of 100% love. But it’s not.” Jinyoung squeezed his hand. “I’ll give you time to think. Whatever you decide…I love you, too. I really, really love you. More than this world will let me.”

0

 

Mark needed goalposts. The most important goalposts of his relationship. And he needed to be 100% sure of them.

 

If we can’t get married or have kids, but we’re together privately with just us two, will that be enough?

 

Am I OK with not being a father?

 

Am I OK with being unclear if it’ll ever be possible for me to be a husband?

 

He went in circles. It wasn’t fair. If Jinyoung wasn’t famous, they’d be able to go to America and get married one day. Both their families supported them. It wouldn’t be that terrible.

 

But Jinyoung was famous. He was doing what he loved and excelling at it.

 

If Jinyoung wasn’t famous, they wouldn’t have met.

 

Even America wasn’t perfect, anyways. The world wasn’t all the way there yet. Maybe they’d been born too soon. Maybe it would take another generation for acceptance to be fully realized.

 

But these were the years they had. The one and only life they had. And so many of the terms of it were outside of their control.

 

Mark did some searches on his phone about Western celebrities, and how old they were when they came out. He looked at pictures. Elton John had come out as gay more than twenty years into his career, adopted children with his husband in his 60s, and gotten legally married at 70. Barry Manilow, Robin Roberts, Anderson Cooper, Jane Lynch…all of them had come out when they were older and had managed to have good relationships before and after they came out. Some of them even had children.

 

Nothing was impossible. But at the same time, there was also really no way of knowing what would come. Maybe they could have a similar story. But maybe they couldn’t. Either way, he had to put down his goalposts.

 

If we can’t get married or have kids, but I have him, will that be enough?

 

He thought of his life, his future. Of getting married and having children, but with a person who wasn’t Jinyoung. Of the two of them moving on, and the person Jinyoung finding a life with being someone else other than him.

 

It felt like being punched in the gut. All he was doing was imagining possibilities, but it felt like he couldn’t breathe.

 

His whole life, marriage and babies was always the storybook happy ending. Not only that, but but it was the standard definition of “adult life.”

 

But he’d lived long enough to know that happiness couldn’t be determined by any formula. That even marriage and babies didn’t guarantee a good, satisfying life. That there were all kinds of happiness in the world, many of which didn’t follow the standard road map drawn by society.

 

He decided he needed to go on a walk. He grabbed his coat and began walking away from campus, no particular destination in mind.

 

All the same, his feet had someplace they wanted to go. A path they’d walked once before, back when he was the kind of head-in-the-clouds in love that you could only be at the start of a new relationship.

 

When you were deep in a relationship, as he was, you couldn’t be the same kind of dizzily blinded by emotions. You had to have your eyes open, your heart focused. The love needed to be grounded in reality, because life was grounded in reality.

 

He thought about back then, as he walked. About how his heart pounded at Jinyoung’s every word. About how time had transformed until seconds and minutes and hours were meaningless, and Jinyoung transcended into something greater and more urgent than all of it.

 

He thought about now. About how his heart was still pounding. About how time had passed, and his heart had grown and changed in different ways, but still it continued to stir so much for the exact same person.

 

He walked until he reached the playground, the slide where he’d kissed Jinyoung’s cold lips until they were so warm, they burned.

 

He pulled out his phone and texted Jinyoung: I can’t sleep. Call me.

 

Just three minutes later, Jinyoung did so. “Where are you?”

 

“At the park by your dorm.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“OK. I’ll be outside in just a second.”

 

Mark fixed his eyes on the entrance of the park. He hadn’t realized just how badly he wanted to see Jinyoung until this moment. It felt like he was in pain until Jinyoung at last walked into his line of sight.

 

He let out all of his breath.

 

Jinyoung climbed up on the slide with him. “Hey,” he said quietly.

 

“Hey,” Mark said. He reached out and took Jinyoung’s hand. He wasn’t going to draw it out and make him suffer. “I have my goalposts.”

 

Jinyoung looked at him anxiously, tightening around his hand. “Yes?”

 

“If I can’t have anything else, as long as I have you, that will be enough.”

 

Jinyoung exhaled, his shoulders loosening.

 

“But.”

 

He stiffened slightly. “But?”

 

“If we don’t do a thing to help ourselves reach a future where we can have everything, that’s not OK.” Mark reached out, Jinyoung’s cheek. “I don’t want you to be a martyr, Jinyoung. I don’t want either of us to be hurt and rejected by the world. But I don’t want to passively let the world deny us everything we could have. Because we deserve everything, Jinyoung. Not just me. But you, too.”

 

Jinyoung leaned into his hand, closing his eyes. “OK.”

 

“OK?”

 

“Just hearing you say that I would be enough for you is everything I could have asked for. If you’re going to ask something of me in return, I’m going to give it to you.”

 

“Then I trust you.” Mark pressed their foreheads together. “Even if it takes until we’re seventy, I want to marry you one day.”

 

“You won’t be sick of me by then?”

 

“Are you planning on making me sick of you?”

 

“Never in your life, Mark Tuan.” He paused. “Thank you.”

 

“You don’t need to say that.”

 

“But I want to.” He leaned in, pressing against his lips in a long, slow kiss. “I love you so much. You know that, right.”

 

“I know. I love you so much, too. No matter what our future looks like, I know I won’t regret a moment of it if it’s with you.”

 

 

---

 

A/N: Hey, all! Thanks for reading and submitting questions! I hope you enjoyed~!

Even though my writing has slowed down due to pandemic burnout, I've dedicated time over the past month to putting together a multi-chapter fic for you. Because I'm a super fast typist, I've actually finished most of it, and as long as I can finish the editing overhaul parts of it need in a timely fashion, it should be ready to begin posting by mid-December, as a holiday treat :D It's also pretty long chapter-wise, which is great because I'm moving in February, and this fic will cover all the time I won't be able to write due to packing/unpacking.

New fic teaser: Fox Demon!Mark x Demon Hunting Monk!Jinyoung...and to add another layer of diffiuclty, Jinyoung is the reincarnation of Mark's former lover~