"Joy, let's break up." She said so straightly. I can't even see any emotions on her face. I laughed and smiled at her.

"Is this one of your pranks again, love?" She' a huge fan of pranks a lot so I know she's just bluffing. Last week, she also said the same thing. She was cold to me for about 3 days but yesterday, she surprised me for our 5th Anniversary.

"No, I'm serious this time. Let’s take a break. Let's stop this." I pouted in front of her trying to act cute. "This is not fun." I told her.

"Joy, please. I'm not kidding. This is not a prank anymore. I'm not even joking right now, let’s break up." She turned her back on me preparing herself to leave. I immediately held her hand and hugged her tightly.

"Come on, love, you're scaring me." She tore off our hug and locked her eyes on mine. She just stared at me for a minute. “Let’s break up.”

"Love, are you for real?" I'm starting to get annoyed. These types of pranks are the thing I hate the most. I stopped to calm myself. I smiled at her again. "Let's just go home, love?" I looked around the park and held her hand tightly. "It's getting dark now."

"Joy! Which part of it can't you understand?" She removed her hands on mine and took a step backwards. "I want to stop this relationship. I can’t be with you anymore. Let's just break up!"

"Then give me a valid reason why you want to break up!" I snapped. "You can't just ask for a break up when I know you don't even have a reason!" She averted her gaze from me.

"I-I don't love you anymore." she said, looking at the ground. "For God's sake, Yeri, do you think I would believe that?" I pressed my hand on my face to at least remove my frustration. "It was our Anniversary yesterday, you even surprised me. Do you think I would believe that kind of confession, love?" I said more soothingly now. I took a step closer to her.

"I love you, Yeri. Please let's not talk about your pranks now, please?" I held her face, she's crying now. "No, Joy, you don't understand, we have to-" I didn't let her finish her sentence. I kissed her like I always do whenever she had her worries.

"I understand everything, love, I will always try to understand you. Heck I would even fight the world to understand you..." I smiled at her. She shakes her head with tears in her eyes. "Because I love you so, so-" I didn't even finish my word when she broke the news. We are now kneeling in front of each other. I just stared at her trying to process the words she said.

"Joy, I'm dying." she caressed my cheeks. Her hands were wet, is it my tears? I don't know anything right now. "Last week, when I wasn't talking to you I was actually in the hospital taking all the test needed and..." We are a crying mess now "I am dying"

"I love you, I really love you too, believe me," she whispers softly to me. "But we have to separate now." she planted a sweet kiss on my forehead. And with her last words, she left me crying, in the middle of the park, under the heavy rain.

"I'm sorry Joy."

-------

Hey, love. I've dreamt about you again. It's been two years already but nothing still change. Funny but I've come to a conclusion that dreams only come to hunt and to remind me the things I regretted the most. After that day you left, I never heard from you again. I tried looking for you at every hospital that exists. I even tried asking all of our friends and acquaintances but none of them answered. None of them knew. 2 years love, two years but I am still here wishing that you are well and alive.

"Are you drinking again?" Seulgi entered my apartment. "You should stop making that a hobby; it’s just 7 in the morning!"

"Seul, stop shouting you're such a nuisance." I said as I scrunched my nose. She's so loud. "If you have nothing else to say just leave."

"You act so tough outside this house but you're just a total mess inside." She whispered as if I didn't hear it. I just shrugged my shoulder and drank another glass of liquor. She remained silent for few minutes. I caught her just staring at me.

"You know what, if you're just here to pity me just-" My words were stopped, no, my whole world stopped. "She's back."

Finally! I know you were strong, love. I smiled. "You should have said that earlier! Let's go, I always knew she's alive and well." I rushed to get a glass of cold water and went back to the living room to fix the liquors on the table.

"Uh- Joy." I stopped moving when I saw the panic in her eyes. "Why?"

"What I mean is... Irene." She gulped and hesitantly continued. "Irene's back."

Oh. Irene. Seulgi's ex. Yeri's sister.

I fell back to the couch and drank the remaining liquor on the glass table. "Is... Yeri with them?" She lightly shook her head. "I don't know. I only heard the news from Wendy but she didn't say anything about Yeri." She looked at me with some pity and disappointment in her eyes. "I'm sorry." She added.

"Its fine, I’ll just get ready." I headed straight to the door of my room. Tears were starting to fall from my eyes but I just blinked it away. I have to be strong, god, I've been pleading myself to be strong for the past years. So I will still hold onto that little hope I had left in me. And as long as I don't see her personally, I wouldn't believe anything. Because I know she is the strongest person.

"You know what? Let's just go to their house. I want to see them." I smiled. The moment I entered my room, all the strength I’ve been plastering earlier crumbled and the tears fall continuously. "I want to see you Yeri. God, I miss you so much, love."

Please, be there.

-------

Nervous is an understatement to what I am feeling right now. The last time I recall having this feeling was when I asked her to be my girlfriend. It was her 20th birthday at their house. Funny but I literally almost died out of nervousness that time. I prepared a surprise for her with the help of her family and our friends but it turns out that I’ll be the one who will be surprised.

---flash back

The preparation at their house was finally done and the only thing left to do is to wait for her to come home. I gazed around at their backyard again. The pink and violet decoration domains the color of their backyard.

"They're coming!" Irene announced. We quickly prepared ourselves in front of their backyard's door. I'm standing in the middle of our friends with a cake in my hands. Sun is already setting down on our backs. A beautiful view that she will see when she opens that door.

We all are excited for her entrance then there she is. She opened the door and took a step outside. Her parents were standing behind her back and beside her stood an unfamiliar face. We quickly sang her a happy birthday. I hand her over the cake.

"Happy birthday! Make a wish." I told her and she quickly closed her eyes then blew the candles. After that she started to entertain her guests as we started eating.

"Joy!" She hugged me. "There you are! I was looking for you! Thank you for this. I really liked it!" I just smiled and greeted her a happy birthday again. "Ah! I have big news for you!" She looks really excited and happy. She did little jumps and squealed lightly.

"I finally have a Girlfriend!" Confusion, disappointment and sadness washed over me. I'm just in the process of courting her. She hasn’t told me that there were other people courting her too. Then I remembered, she didn't really fully agree to me when I asked her if I can pursue her. She should have told me that I won’t stand a chance. I just smiled to her. This is my fault, I should have been cautious when she warned me.

"Really? That's great! Is that the lucky person?" I pointed at the Girl she was with earlier. We both looked at her. She’s talking with Yeri’s parents. They were laughing together but someone called her parent’s attention. Yeri’s mom hugged and smiled at her before going, leaving her alone. Yeri smiled at me widely before pulling me towards her. When we got closer, I took it as a chance to look at her from head to toe. I won’t lie but she's actually...good.

"Joy, this is my friend, Wendy." I smiled at her. "Wendy, this is my Girlfriend, Joy." She grabbed my hand and held it tightly, shaking it lightly. "Yeri told me a lot of amazing and fun things about you! You know, the things you always do to her and other cringe but lovely things! Ugh! I’ve been asking Yeri to introduce me to you a lot of times already but she will always say a lot of reason to delay it. I’m talking a lot already but I’m so happy to finally meet you. Congratulations on being Yeri’s girlfriend! Oh wait, have she told you that? Anyway, take good care of Yeri, okay? And let’s be friends!" Wendy said happily then pulled me for a hug. I looked at Yeri who’s giggling in front of me. I’m actually confused, she sound so excited and she talked very fast. I couldn’t even catch up. Plus I’m still hurt with her sudden relationship announcement so my mind can’t fully function. I didn't realize I was creasing my forehead until Yeri eased it and laughed.

"I didn't know you're such a slow poke, Girlfriend."

---

I still laugh remembering those times. Somehow it comforted me. I'm back here again, at their backyard where it all started. Irene and Seulgi were talking at their living room so I just gave them their space of privacy. I haven't seen Yeri yet. Irene didn't also mention her. I wanted to ask her earlier but I’m afraid of the answer so I just chose to be quiet.

I stared at the large tree in the middle of their yard. I remember that time too when she asked me to climb that large tree to get mangoes. I spent the whole afternoon figuring out how to climb it. She was just cheering and suggesting ways on how I can go up. After a whole 4 hours under the sun, I finally did it. I collected two plastic bags full of mangoes. I was about to go down when I saw her coming back with a ladder of both of her hands.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier that you have a ladder! I worked very hard just to climb this tree!" I said as I watch her fix the ladder on the tree. She just laughed at me heartily before answering. "Of course! You have to go down safely because you're now holding my mangoes!"

She and her craziness. I regret coming back here because it just made me miss her more. I slowly turned back to enter inside when I saw her. Standing there looking strong and healthy, her eyes and mouth opened widely.

"Hi?" she hesitantly said after she recovered from her shock. I can't think of anything right now. The only thing that's in my mind is her, standing in front of me. "Look, a penguin!" I turned to look at what she's pointing at but it's just nothing but the tree. I looked back at her again and saw her sneaking to enter the house. She looks like a robber about to trespass their house. "Wait, where are you going?" I asked unable to move.

"Uh- back to the heaven?" she shakes her head before continuing. "Or maybe at hell?" she whispers. "Heaven?" I repeated.

"Yeah, I'm just a ghost! a-woooo!" she said as she lifts her arms acting like a ghost. I laugh a little before walking towards her. "Wait- Wait! Don't come closer. I'm a gho-" I didn't let her finish sentence and just embraced her into a hug. She gasped and her body froze. "Right! I'm a powerful ghost, this is my power. Humans can touch me when I-" She was talking very fast while just standing there.

"Aren't going to hug me back? I've miss you very much." I can already feel myself sobbing into her shoulders. She slowly relaxed her arms and rested it on my back, slightly patting it.

"I'm miss you too, love."

-------

Stars. Beach. Her.

We're sitting in a mat we've prepared in front of the beach. I'm slicing the apple we bought earlier when she suddenly laughed. "I remember the look on your face when you saw me earlier. If only you saw how you looked like!" I shoved the sliced apple into when she won't stop laughing.

"You look terrified too! It wasn't just me." I defended. "No but yours was worst." She made a face, teasing me. Now that she mentioned it, I was really curious about how she reacted earlier, even Irene freaked out when she saw us together. "Of course, how else would you expect me to react?" she just shrugged her shoulders.

"But why did Irene react that way though?"

"I told you I’m just a ghost." She teased. "I hate you..." "Just kidding, well, let's just say..." she thinks before proceeding.”I have no intentions of meeting you again?" She chuckled lightly before averting her gaze from me. "Look there's a shooting star!" She pointed something at the sky but I didn't bother to look at it. What she just said hurts a lot.

"Why?" was the only thing I could say. My voice even cracked with that one word. "I just thought it would be the best. Two years have passed already you probably thought I already died." She eyed me before continuing what she's about to say. But I stopped her. "There wasn't a day I missed hoping that you are alive. Even without news from you I held onto that hope because I know you-" She pressed her index finger against my mouth to stop me from talking.

"Of course I know that. That's why I didn't want to add more pain to you. You seeing me will only lead you into hoping more. And I don't want that. You'll just be left alone with pain. I told you I’m dying." I looked at her ridiculously. No cancer patient looked as healthy as her.

"Are you kidding me? Do you think I would believe that you are dying with that healthy situation?" I'm slowly getting angry because for the past two years she made me believe that she has a cancer and that she is dying. There wasn't a single day that I’m not crying because of it. But seeing her now is very, very far from being a cancer patient.

Realizations hit me. Maybe that's why they were both terrified to see me. Maybe because they are just lying and they just didn't want me to find out about the truth. Maybe she just used the cancer to what? To leave me? To break up with me?

I removed my hand that's holding hers. I immediately stood up and walked away from her. Tears were streaming down to my cheeks as I try to find my car. "Love, wait!" I can hear Yeri calling me but I just ignored her. Betrayal and pain is the only thing I can feel right now.

"Love." She appeared in front of me with tears and heavy breathing. She tried to hold my face. But I just avoided her hand. I saw how pain changed the pleading look in her eyes. "Listen to me first, please, love." She softly said. She cupped my face using both of her hands and made me look at her.

"I can't look at you right now. Please let me go." I closed my eyes but the tears keep on flowing. She looks hurt but I am hurt. I need time to process all of this first before talking to her. I just can't accept it. "No, remember, we don't let the day end without being okay. I know I chose the wrong words to say but believe me it's not what I meant." She's still holding my face so I have no choice but to lock eyes with her. "Please just listen to me." I breathed deeply before nodding. "Fine." I said before entering the car. I heard her sighed in relieve before turning to the passenger seat.

I wiped my tears away while waiting for her to speak. She continues to heave heavy breaths while we remain silent. "I have lung cancer." I continued looking outside of the window. What she's saying right now is very hard to believe. "That day, when I left you in the park, doctors have already detected that cancer cells had already spread throughout my lungs." She held my hand that's resting on the steering wheel and squeezed it tightly. "It is called NSCLC, non-small cell lung carcinoma, and it is already on its stage 3. I did my research and I found out only few people can survive it."

"I felt so alone back then. Mom and dad didn't know anything about it. I even hid it from Irene. I took the check up alone. I sneaked out of the house just to go to hospital and take the test needed. I was so scared." She lifted our hands and used it to cover her face. "I didn't think I could survive it. I lost all the hopes in me. My anxiety attacks came back that time and to think that I’m dying," I felt her head leaned to my shoulder. She sobbed a little before shaking her head. "I lost the will to fight." she whispered.

"The night before our 5th anniversary, I was supposed to leave the country alone." I immediately turned my head her. I opened my mouth to speak but she just covered it with her hand. "But Irene found out about it. She entered my room and found the medical tests. She was so angry and told our parents."

"They confronted me, more like begging me to get the medications needed. I agreed but in exchange, I asked them not to tell you anything about it. I never believed that I can be cured again. I was still scared, you know."

"That's why I prepared a surprise that day. Because I want to see you happy again for the last time. I planned on leaving without you knowing but Irene begged me to at least say good bye. She prepared that date for us. I didn't want to go but she threatened me that she'll tell you so I had no other choice." She held my face and said sorry before continuing. "When we arrived at Korea, they made me take the test again. We found out that they misdiagnosed my cancer. It was stage 2 cancer and it is still curable through chemotherapy. And somehow it made me hope a little." She gave me a sad smile.

"I had chemo for 1 and a half year. It was really hard and painful. There were lots of times that I had thoughts of Giving up. I always cry myself to sleep and wishing that all of it just stops."

"I suffered a lot on my first year there. Every single day felt like hell. A hell that I couldn't escape because I know tomorrow is another day of torture."

"But after that year, I can already feel that I am recovering. My last 6 months of chemo was getting better and better each day. That's when I felt, I could finally survive that hell. So I fought. I had hope again." We were face to face. Our eyes locking never leaving each other's gaze. I can see the hope in her eyes. "Then one day, my chemo sessions stopped. All the pain was gone. And the doctors said that I was finally cancer free." I just smiled and continued to listen. "I was really happy. I was so excited to go back to you. And say 'It's a prank, I love you so much'." She laughed a little.

"I continued receiving my medications for 6 more months to be sure that no cancer cells were left in me. My physical state was slowly recovering. That's why I look healthy now" She smiled. "We already planned that by the end of my last check up we would immediately go home. But life is so twisted." The hope in her eyes disappeared and was replaced by sadness. She covered her face first before continuing. "My last check up detected a new cancer on the other side of my lung. It wasn't the same as before because this time, it is more deadly. Its SCLC type, it spread much faster than NSCLC and it is more dangerous. Plus, having a cancer for the second time has a very low chance of surviving." She cried on her hands, bowing a little to lean on the front."

"I never wanted to tell you this because it will only be hard for the both of us. But I earlier, I realized I should let you know now because I want you to move on, forget about me, and love others who can be with you. Because I'm back at the hell again and this time, I know, I have no chances of surviving it again." She cried harder. All of it makes sense now. How she looks right now. How on every walk we take she would always inhale heavy breaths with her mask on. How she always held on me so tightly because she often lose her balance. And how sad her eyes are even when she's smiling. I held her closer to me. She cried harder. I cried in silence too.

We are both suffering from this. But I’m not making the mistake I did before. I just patted her head that's resting on my lap while waiting for her to calm down. "Yeri, do you know what I regretted the most?" She looked up at me curiously. "It was letting you go without even fighting." I heaved a heavy breath. She called me before shaking her head. "I'm sorry."

"No, just listen to me." I pleaded her. "I admit it, I was scared. I was scared with the possibility that you might really leave this world, leave me. For days, I was just there, at the corner of my room, hiding. I thought that was just one of your pranks but one week has passed and you still haven't messaged me at least, that's when I realized, you really weren't joking." I'm fighting my tears from falling again. I looked up at the stars outside the window before continuing.

"So I went to your house but no one was there. I tried contacting you, no answers. I asked everyone around us, no answers. I was alone, you left me all alone. I was so mad, not at you but at myself, for being a coward." Recalling those times were still painful and hard for me. The tears that wanting to fall earlier all fell when I saw at her crying again, saying sorry for something that isn’t really her fault. "And until now I still blame myself for not fighting for you. We could have been together those past 2 years if only I wasn't a coward." Even though we were both a crying mess I held her face and wiped her tears away. "But I wished for one more chance. I asked God to give me just one more chance because this time, I'm ready. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm fighting now. I will fight with you. Let's fight your cancer together, love."

"But we can't be together, Joy, I won’t allow you to go and suffer the hell with me. Joy, for the past 2 years I’ve been fighting for my life and I know" she cried hard again. "I know I’m nearing my end." I held her closer to me and enveloped her to a tight hug. "No, love we can be together, I’ve learned my lessons now. I'm not letting you go this time. We will be together, we will fight together. Just let me stay with you. Let me take care of you and we will both escape that hell." Hear me out, Yeri.

"Please, I want to be with you."

-------

I was never really afraid of hospitals but going here with Yeri scares me a lot. After I begged yesterday to be with her, well, she finally agreed. So now we're here at the hospital. She has a check up today. Even though she was already diagnosed back there in Korea, no other details were provided because they still continued their plan of going home. So as of now, we only know that she have SCLC, she already took the test needed when they arrived. We just need to get the result and hope that it is still curable.

"You look worst than me." Yeri chuckled beside me before reaching for my hand and squeezing it tightly. "Don't be scared..." I looked at her and she just smiled. At the back, I heard her name being called. She stood up before pulling me with her.

"But be prepared, okay?" She continued.

We were greeted by Wendy when we entered the office. I never knew she would be Yeri's doctor. Yeri greeted her back before sitting down. "How are you, Yeri?" Dr. Wendy asked. Yeri just smiled before explaining to her doctor how she occasionally finds it hard to breath. And how she would cough blood and other symptoms she felt. Wendy's face gloomed after Yeri was done explaining. She showed us the scan of Yeri's lung.

"The cancer cells are already consuming you lungs at a very fast pace. As you can see over here, more than half of your left lung has spots." I examined the picture in front of me. The spots really almost covered her left lung and it is starting to consume the other side too. I was never expert at this but looking at it really looks deadly and dangerous.

The fear I'm feeling started to grow more. I tried to look at Yeri but she's just focused at the scan. Tears were starting to form up in her eyes. With my shaky hands, I reached for hers and gave her a small smile. She swallowed before talking.

"Is this still curable, Doc?" Tears started to escape her eyes as we wait for an answer. "Considering that you already had cancer before this and this being the most dangerous type of lung cancer," Wendy slightly shakes her head. Before Wendy could continue what she's about to say I grabbed Yeri close to me and covered her ears. I patted her head while she cried hard on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry but this would be very hard to cure. Your body might not take it."

 ---------

Only two weeks had just passed since that check up. They immediately decided to let her stay in the hospital and take her chemo therapy. "Are you going to Yeri now?" Seulgi asked. Office hours just finished. I have to go to the hospital early because Yeri have a schedule with her chemo today. I nodded at her before folding the papers on my desk.

"Yeah, Yeri has a schedule today."

"How about the site near the park? Have you checked it already?" She asked. I completely forgot about that! It's a finishing project so I have to go and check it there personally. I face palmed unconsciously before turning towards her. It felt like she understood what I'm about to say. She just smiled. "It's alright. I'll do it for you. Go to Yeri, she needs you more." I smacked her shoulders before getting my things.

"I didn't know you could be useful sometimes! Thank you very much!" I laughed before exiting the door. I saw her following me on my back. I started to run towards the open elevator. When I finally got in, I immediately pressed the buttons. I'm just laughing while watching her making her way towards me. "I take it back! I'll just go to Yeri instead!" She shouted before the elevator door closed. Seulgi is so fun to tease. She's always the one to get teased a lot whenever we hang out.

---

I arrived at the hospital 15 minutes before her scheduled therapy. I headed straight to her room after I parked my car. Irene texted me saying that they had already left the hospital. Yeri didn't like anyone to watch her when she's undergoing the therapy. She doesn't like anyone to see her on her sufferings. Irene have told me that back then, when Yeri had her therapy it, she and their parents would be waiting outside the hospital. And whenever they would go back to her room after the session ended, Yeri would always put on her biggest smile to greet them.

When I heard that story, I promised to myself that I won’t let her be alone again. So I told her that I will stay with her whenever she have therapy, but of course, being the hard headed that she is, she didn't agree at all. We had an argument because of that. She won’t talk to me and was even annoyed with Irene for telling it.

So her parents decided to have a deal. They said that they won’t stay during her chemo as long as I'm staying with her. Knowing that she would still disagree, they added that if she won’t agree all of us would be present whether she likes it or not. So in the end, she just agreed that only I can stay.

 When I opened the door of her room, I saw her crying while pumping her hands on her chest. She was lying down and flinching in pain. Her eyes were red and filled with tears. "Yeri!" I shouted before calling a nurse. I went closer to her and squeezed her hand.

"Joy." She cried. She inhaled deeply again. "I-I...can't...breath." She said strugglingly. Doctor and nurses rushed inside her room. They pushed me aside but Yeri held tightly onto my hand. I just stayed at the end of her bed holding her hand. They injected something to her IV line before attaching the oxygen line to her nose. She calmed down a little but kept on inhaling deeply.

I was just crying silently beside her. It hurts seeing her like that. She looks so pitiful that I just wish it was me instead. I wiped my tears away when she turned her head to me. I just smiled to her and gave a soft nod. She hated it. She hates it whenever she sees someone is crying because of her. That's why she always acts so tough when we are around. And we have no other choice but to act tougher than her so she'll know that she can always lean on us.

The nurses inside started to exit the room. Wendy stayed for few more minutes examining her physical condition. She stood up and faced me. "Can I talk to you outside, Joy?" She asked. I looked at Yeri first. She's already sleeping. I nodded at her before following outside. She heaved a deep breath before talking. "I'll be straight to the point, Joy. What Yeri just experienced is an indication that her condition is worsening." My head fell down when I heard it. Tears were starting to build up on my eyes again.

"We have to conduct another test again. But based on my observation, Chemo therapy isn't helping anymore. It just helps with slowing the cancer to spread." I gasped. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wiped my tears before asking. "Is there other way to cure her?"

"We have to take a test first before we can accurately diagnose it. I'm sorry." She tapped my shoulder. I saw how she simply wiped her tears. "Yeri is my best friend. Like you, I don't want her to go too. That's why I promise, I will do my very best to save her." She hugged and gave me a small tap on my back before walking away. I heaved a deep breath before entering her room again.

I sat beside her bed and just stared at her sleeping face. This situation is so hard, Yeri. I know it's hard for you too especially that you're the one who is suffering physically. But I know you'll survive this. I'll always believe that you can survive this no matter how hard this is.

Wendy entered the room again after few minutes. "We'll take her to the CT scan room now." Behind her, nurses started to enter. "You won’t be able to enter there so just stay here. It will just take a maximum of 30 minutes and we will go back here to proceed with the chemo therapy." I nodded at her and just watched them go.

I went outside the room. I don't think I can stay there alone. I decided to just go and eat at the cafeteria since there's nothing I could really do while waiting. I saw a lot of patients on my way there. I was about to enter the cafeteria when I heard people panicking from the other side. I slowly walked my way towards it. I don't really like minding other people's business but it just got me curious.

When I reached the place where people were panicking, I saw a teen girl crying so hard on her bed. Her family was standing slightly afar from the end of the bed crying too. Doctor and nurses were quick into moving and attaching different tubes to and nose. The girl looks like she's having a trouble from breathing because she keeps on pumping her own hands on her chest. Blood started to come out from her nose. She keeps on coughing and coughing. Doctors started to do some things that could help her but with her last cough, a high pitch sound started to buzz.

"As of July 1, 2020 6:14 pm, Soliel Mina Lopez has passed away." One of the doctors declared. I feel like my legs would give up any minute. I rushed to the bathroom near me. I opened the door and thankfully no one is around. I entered the very last cubicle and just cried. These past few weeks I've been trying to stop myself from crying. I'm always trying my best to be strong for Yeri. But I don't think I can continue pretending today. Everything just hurts right now. I can feel all of my bottled emotions bursting. I just want to cry and break down.

What I just saw really hurts. That person might be stranger to me but seeing someone die really hurts a lot. Especially she quite has a similar condition with Yeri. Even though I don't like that to happen to Yeri, I couldn't stop thinking about the possibility. Her situation is getting worst day by day. The possibility of her being cured is getting lesser. And there really is a chance that she might not be able to survive.

But I couldn't even accept that fact. I don't want to. I just want her to stay. I just got her back. I want to spend more time being with her. We still have a lot of things to achieve together. I still want to do many things with her.

I heard someone entered. I held my mouth tightly to stop myself from making any noises. Tears were still flowing as I wait for that person to go. "I know you can hear me. I just want to say that it's okay to cry. You can cry. Cry it all now. But I ask you, please continue being strong for Yeri. What she need right now is you. We all know Yeri, She is a fighter but if she will see everyone around her sad, she will be sad too. No one wants Yeri to go. I don't want Yeri to go too. She can survive this. Let's just trust Yeri. Continue being tough for her." I went outside the cubicle but the stranger immediately left. I just saw the door closing.

I noticed a box on the sink counter. I examined it first before opening. I found a picture inside. It is Yeri's picture. She was bald here and a lot of IV lines were connected to her. She looks so tired and exhausted but even with her condition, she still managed to smile so widely and posed a peace sign beside both of her eyes. At the back of it 'for Saeron' was written poorly.

I couldn't help but to smile and cry at the same time. Yeri never liked anyone to be sad. She would always do everything she can just to make people around her happy. Everything to the point that she would lie about her true condition just to make the people around her stop worrying.

I stayed there for few more minutes staring and crying at her picture. I washed my face when I was calmed down. I looked at my reflection on the mirror. My eyes were still red. I washed it again and again until the traces of me crying weren't visible anymore. I smiled first before exiting the bathroom. What that stranger said, which I think named Saeron, is right. I just have to be strong for Yeri.

I went back to her room. Surely they'll be there since I stayed at the bathroom for too long. I entered Yeri's room and found Wendy and Yeri talking. Wendy coughs lightly before standing properly. Wendy's eyes were going back and forth to me and Yeri. Yeri just smiled.

"Wendy told me that I still have to take my chemo today." She pouted. Wendy coughed again before talking. "Yeah... uhm," I saw her eyeing Yeri again. "We would let her take a rest first then we will proceed with her chemo." I nodded as an answer. "How about the...uhm..." I looked at Yeri before continuing. "Can I talk to you outside?" I just asked. I don't want to talk about the result while Yeri is there listening. Wendy looked at Yeri again. "Sure."

"No, wait!" Yeri called before we can go out. "Just talk here," she pouted more. "I know you'll ask about the result so just talk here." I started to think of another reason just so we can talk outside. "Or if you want I'll be the one telling it, since I already know the result. You know." She shrugged her shoulders before calling me. "The truth is..." She gazed at Wendy first before continuing.

"The cancer cells had spread out at a large part of my lungs already." I looked at Wendy for confirmation. I would never know if Yeri is telling the truth or just covering it up. Wendy nodded. "But! Chemo might still work! There's still a chance so I promise to fight hard!" I was so thrilled by her news that I even forgot about Wendy. I immediate ran towards her and hugged her tightly. I'm so relieved to hear that there's still a chance. "It's so great isn't it, love?" Yeri asked as she hugged me tightly too. "It is." She removed the hug and looked at me. She laughed at me loudly after seeing my face.

"Why are you crying?" She asked while wiping my tears. I can see that tears were forming up on her eyes as well. "Tears of joy." I simply said. She laughed again but her tears started to fall too. "True, those are truly your tears.” She teased. “I promise to fight as hard as I can, love." She said as she embraced me for another hug. I kissed the top of her head. "I will always be here for you." The thoughts that I had earlier had been washed away.

A chance has given to us and I will make sure that we can get the healing we are praying for.

We heard the door opening. "We'll just get the equipments ready." Wendy said before closing the door again. Yeri looked at me and smiled again. We stayed in silence while waiting for Wendy to come back. I suddenly remember about Wendy and Yeri earlier before I arrived. I think they were talking about something and I’m just curious about it. "What did you and Wendy talked about earlier, love?" I asked her. She looked up at me and smiled. "Nothing really. She just told me that I have to take a rest." I just nodded as an answer. Wendy's eyes were something earlier. They might have talked about something. But I’ll just let it pass because maybe that was just nothing since Yeri didn't mention it. What's important now is that she will be okay.

 ---

Her chemo was finished 15 minutes ago already. She fall asleep right after the therapy so I'm just waiting for her to wake up. I grabbed an apple on the side table. I know once she wakes up she'll be hungry. I started slicing it and peeling off the skin. "Is that for me?"

"Oh, you’re awake." I helped her sit before giving her the apple. "How are you feeling?" She just smiled and continued eating her apples. I'm just watching her as she eats more like thinking. She finished her last piece in silence. "Do you want more?" She shakes her head and looked at me. "Joy, don't tell them what happened earlier." She suddenly said. I'm slightly shocked about her sudden request.

"What do you mean?" I asked. A lot of things really happened earlier. She rolled her eyes before answering. "Don't tell them that I wasn't able to breathe earlier."

"Why not? They should know this."

"Don't. There's no need." I creased my forehead in confusion. She almost died earlier. If not because of the oxygen attached to her she would not be able to breathe. And I think her family needs to know that. "Something happened to you and they should know it, Yeri." She just shakes her head. "Don't be hard headed Yeri. I'll tell them. They should know this."

"No you don't understand. Besides, a CT scan happened earlier let's just tell them about that." I shake my head too. I'm starting to get annoyed but I don't want to argue with her anymore. I breathed in deeply before talking. "We would tell them that too, but they should also know what's happening to you, Yeri. In that way, they would be able aware and can call the doctors immediately." I said softly. She just lowered her head.

"No. Don't tell them, Joy. I'm scared that it might happen again. I don't want them to see me in that condition." I held her face and made it look into me. "That's why you should tell them. You know they would always be there for you. I will always be here for you. Whether you are happy or suffering, we would always be with you. You just can't keep everything to yourself and suffer alone. That's not why we are here. We are all in this. We won’t let you suffer alone." She started crying.

"That's why I'm scared, love. I'm scared not because they might see me suffering. I'm scared that if I let you suffer with me, you might not be able to heal. Even though there's a possibility that I might survive this, there's also possibility that I won’t." My eyes dimmed. How could she think that she might die when she just announce that there's a chance for her to heal. "You won’t die." I firmly said.

"I'm not saying that I would die." She shakes her head and held my face instead. "I'm saying that I might die. There's still no 100% assurance that I could survive this." She cried. "Listen. If I die, all the suffering that I felt would be free. I won’t feel any pain if I die." She smiled through her tears. "But, all of you would still suffer for my loss. I don't want for the day to come that all of you are hurting and suffering but I wouldn't be there to comfort you. I'm scared that I might not be there for all of you. That I might not be there when you need me."

"I only want all of you to know that I was and is happy. I don't want any of you to remember that I suffered here. It's not my purpose in life to bring sadness. I only want everyone to remember that I lived a happy life despite all of these problems." She smiled again. I continued shaking my head. I don't think I could ever accept that she really might die. "You won’t die, you won’t die, you won’t die." I repeatedly said. She wiped my tears and hushed me. She nodded at me before talking. "I won’t die, I promise. Stop crying please." She pleads. "I'm still not done talking." She laughed a little. I inhaled and exhaled again and again until I could calm down. She smiled at me again when she sensed that I am calmed already.

"And if I survived this," She caressed my faced before continuing. "If I survive this, I want to look back on these memories happily. I want to reminisce with our family to this with just pure happiness. I only want to remember that even though this hurts a lot, I am still happy, we are still happy. I don't want to look back on this memory that's just full of suffering. Because, Joy, believe me, this time, I want to fight. I want to survive. I want to be cured. I want stay and be alive." I smiled at her. That's what everyone wants to happen. Out of all of us, Yeri herself, wants the most to keep herself alive. I gained more motivation to keep on being strong. I'll promise myself that I will be her strength whenever she'll feel weak. I'll be her happiness when she's feeling sad and I’ll be her rest whenever she'll feel tired.

"You'll survive this. We'll be okay, love. It's alright." Just lean on me, Yeri. Because there's nothing wrong from believing for another miracle to happen, right? I will believe in miracle as long as I can because I believe Yeri can survive this too. We will still live a happy life together.

---

Exactly one month has passed. I spent a lot of time with her for the past few weeks. Every weekday, I would go there immediately after my work. On Friday, I would stay there for an overnight then I would stay until the next day. Sunday is for her family time so I would just go home and take a rest. Also just 2 weeks ago, she finally allowed her parents to watch her during her chemo. It's really a good news for us. She also asked her parents to stay more often with her. So, now I would just go there after my shift ended and would go home before it gets dark.

"Love!" I got a phone call from Irene. I answered it expecting for Irene's calm voice but I was greeted by Yeri's shout. I laughed before humming. "Where are you?" She asked. "I'm on my way there. Why? You sound so excited!"

"Okay, be quick! Bye!" She immediately ended the call. I just shook my head. She sound really excited. I guess something beautiful is waiting for me then.

 ---

When I arrived at the hospital, I felt really weird. I'm actually nervous for no reason. Doctor and nurses are smiling to me. I keep on smiling back to them as I make my way towards Yeri's room. I noticed a note on the door. I checked it and an 'I love you.' is written. I smiled before entering the door.

"Happy Anniversary!" They shouted in sync. The floor is filled with green balloons. And on the wall balloon letters were attached creating a 'Happy Anniversary, Love!' note. Our families and friends are all present. They are all standing in front of Yeri's bed covering her. I looked at everyone and they were all smiling. I shed a tear before saying thank you to them. So this is why she is so excited. I'm so glad that even if we broke up years ago, she still hasn't forgotten our anniversary.

They started to part in the middle revealing Yeri leaning on the headboard of the bed with a cake on her hands. "Happy Anniversary love!" She said happily but you can still notice how weak she is. She coughed softly before giving me the cake. I sat beside her. I held her face and kissed it softly. "Thank you." She just nodded and whispered, "Anything"

"Picture!" Irene shouted to get our attention. "Just flirt later after we leave." She rolled her eyes that made everyone laugh. They gave us space first to take a photo together. We smiled widely at the camera and posed different poses. "Saeron! Take us a picture please!" Irene pleaded. I looked at the person they called Saeron. I remember that person on the bathroom last month. We locked eyes and she just nodded at me. They went to their positions and we took a lot of pictures.

They started the party and it was a lot of fun. They played a lot of fun games and we also eat lots of foods. Yeri was just laughing and smiling all throughout the day. I also talked to Saeron earlier while they are busy playing. I asked her if she's the one who entered the bathroom. She told me that she was that person and said sorry for saying those. I just said thank you because she have no idea how her words motivated me. It's all because of her words that I was holding on to.

They left one by one when it started to get dark. Irene and their parents went home too, but they'll be back after because they'll be the one staying in for the night. It's only me, Saeron and Yeri left in her room. I'm just watching Yeri rest on her bed. She must be so tired now. "Yeri, I'm sorry but I have to go now. Your party was so fun I'm sure all of them are happy." She gave a smile to Yeri after she said that. Yeri nodded happily although you can see that she's tired.

"Thank you very much!" Yeri smiled to her too. Yeri gazed me before calling Saeron again. "Wait!" Saeron looked back on us she's already standing outside the door. "I haven't properly introduced you my girlfriend, have I?" Saeron just smiled and went back in. "Sae, this is my slow poke girlfriend, Joy." Saeron and Yeri laughed. It really became an inside joke now. "Love, this is my friend, Saeron. I met her 2 years ago in Korea. She really helped me a lot back then. And until now she's still helping me. I'm very thankful to her." Yeri smiled at me before smiling at Saeron too. I can see Saeron tearing up but she immediately wiped it away.

"Nice meeting you, Joy." She extended her hand. "Likewise." I said and reached her hand. "I'm sorry but I really have to go now." She smiled at me again before heading towards Yeri. They hugged tightly and I think she whispered something to Yeri that makes her eyes teary.

Saeron had left already. Yeri is still sleeping. I'm just waiting for her family to arrive so I can go home too. "Love." She called me weakly. I smiled at her and hummed. "Are you happy today?" She asked. "Of course. I'm very happy today." She smiled again. "I'm glad." She said before closing her eyes again.

I patiently waited for her parents to come. She's still sleeping peacefully. She must be exhausted from all the activities earlier. Few minutes later, her family finally arrived. "I'm sorry we took a long time." Her mother greeted me. "It's okay, mom. Yeri was sleeping earlier so I was just watching her." We both looked at Yeri. She's already talking to Irene and her father. They were laughing at something that happened earlier.

"Love, I'm going now." She nodded at me and lifted her arms asking for a hug. I smiled and walk towards her bed. She hugged me tightly as if she doesn't want to let go. "I love you, Good bye!" Yeri said as she let go of the hug. "I love you too, rest well, okay?" I kissed her forehead before finally leaving.

----

A bad dream.

I looked at the clock beside me. It's already 3:05 am now. I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I can feel myself breathing heavily. I looked around the house. It's so dark and cold. I switched on the dim lights of the living room. I've been like this ever since Yeri left me 2 years ago. I would always find myself waking up at 3 am every day. I thought it already stopped since I haven't experience this since Yeri came back.

I know I won’t be able to sleep anymore so I decided to pick up my phone from the bedroom and just stay on the living room. A notification suddenly arrived. Yeri sent a video to me. How can she send a video at this hour? It’s very late already. I immediately opened it. I was greeted by a smiling Yeri though she looks very weak here.

"Hey love!" She waved at the camera and smiled. "If you're watching this now, it will only mean that I already died." I paused the video. What did she say? I played the video from the start again. She already died? What? I don't think I can continue watching this. Is this a prank again? I have to go to the hospital now. I quickly went up but my phone buzzed again.

"Watch this first before going to the hospital. Yeri's request." -Saeron.

I can feel my tears falling. I haven't even started watching this video but I can already feel myself crying. I don't want to believe anything that she's saying right now. I never stopped praying for a miracle to happen so I would never believe that she died already. I breathed in deeply before playing it again.

"You're hard headed so I’ll say it here too. You have to finish this video first before going to hospital. Okay?" She posed an okay sign with her fingers. I nodded even though she can't see me. "First I just want to say, Thank you. Thank you for bringing colors into my life. Thank you for always being there for me even if I push everybody away. Thank you for always being ready to be with me even if we had to face sufferings. And thank you because even for a very short time, you made my life extra special." She smiled so genuinely.

"I won’t say thank you to everything you've done for me anymore. Because if I did, this video would never be finished." She laughed lightly. "But I’m most thankful for the reason that you existed. I'm so glad that I found you. You have no idea how happy I am to meet you. Thank you very much." She paused from talking and inhaled deeply again. "I'm sorry." A tear fell from her eye. "I'm sorry I won’t be able to stay beside you now. I can't fulfill my promises of surviving this anymore. I'm tired already. My body can't take it anymore." She coughed loudly. You can see her struggling with her breathing. She’s showing a suffering we haven’t seen personally before. She looks very far from what we always see. I heard from the background asking Yeri if they should still continue. Yeri inhaled deeply before nodding.

"Always remember that I am happy. I can leave this place happily because I was able to live a happy life. And it is all because of you." She continued coughing again. "I'm leaving. I will leave now, Joy. I'm sorry I can't say goodbye to you properly. I don't want you to watch me as I go. I only want for your last memory with me is just pure happiness. So be happy, Love." I started crying again. I don't think I could ever accept this.

"Live your life happily. Value every moment of your life and always be happy because this is how life is and we have to accept that." I don’t even want to accept this life. I don’t want to live if this is how my life’s going to be. "I'm sorry I have to leave you again, love. But don't wait for me now. Move on with your life. Find another partner that could stay with you until the end because I can't do that anymore." She wiped all her tears and plastered the sincerest smile I ever saw from her. "Goodbye."

I just sat there. Staring at black screen in front of me while tears were flowing from my eye. How could she be that unfair? How could she leave so easily? How could she throw a party and make everyone happy just to give us news that would make us cry the next day? I hate her. I really do.

If only I knew she would already, I shouldn't have let go of that hug.

If only I knew it would be the last, I shouldn't have stopped giving you kisses.

 If only I knew I would never see you again, I shouldn't have said goodbye and just stayed.

I immediately drove to the hospital. I saw Irene and her parents arriving too. I went closer to them. "Joy," Yeri's mom embraced me and cried. "She made us go home earlier. We didn't know why but Yeri asked for Saeron to accompany her instead. If only we knew this would happen, we shouldn't have called Saeron and just stayed instead." Dad went closer to us and engulfed us into his hugs. "She should have just let us stay with her until her last breath. She knew we would always be beside her no matter what. She doesn't need to be alone." Mom cried harder and I couldn't help but to agree. We stood their hugging each other while letting our tears flow. Yeri's dad tapped both of us and made us walk to go to Yeri. I saw how Seulgi catches Irene when she almost fell down.

We entered Yeri's room and saw Saeron and Wendy crying beside Yeri. Irene ran closer to the bed hugging Yeri tight. "Yeri, Irene's here. Wake up now please." She cried. "Yeri wake up! Is this one of your pranks again? Wake up!" Irene started to shake Yeri's shoulder but Yeri wouldn't budge. She cried harder and embraced her again. Her parents stood crying beside her and hugging her body too. "Yeri why won’t you open your eyes! I said wake up!" Irene started to become hysterical. She cried loudly. Seulgi held her and tried to calm her down. But they couldn't make her stop, Seulgi and Wendy grabbed Irene and they exited the room.

I just stood there by the door watching her lifeless body lying on the bed. I slowly felt my legs getting weaker. My knees touched the ground. I'm just there, kneeling. I couldn't feel anything right now aside from the tears that kept on falling from my eyes. Someone held my shoulders and helped me got up on my feet. I looked at who it was and saw Wendy. She slowly guided me closer to Yeri's bed. I stared at her face as we got closer and closer. I don't think I can keep looking at her. I wanted to go back at home and wake up again. Maybe this is just a bad dream.

I squeezed her hand. She would always squeeze back my hand whenever I do this but now, I can only feel her cold hands. "Are you really dead? I can't accept it, love. Wake up." I cried. "You promised to me that you won’t die! Wake up...You said we would still live a happy life together. You can't just go now. Comeback!" I cried hard. Surpassing the hardest cry I’ve experienced in my entire life. Irene and Seulgi entered the room again. Irene is more stable now but she's still crying.

"Yeri's condition had been worst for a month now. Last month, with her last check up, we knew she has a very low survival rate. But Yeri didn't want anyone to know." Wendy said. That was why Wendy looked hesitant that day. She could have just told me! "For the whole month she's been hiding how she really feel. And at Sundays, the only time only Saeron and I would be around, that's the only time we can see how much she is suffering."

"We always beg her to tell it to everyone. But she didn't want anyone to know because she only wants to see all of you happy. She would always say that seeing all of you happy just makes her stronger. And who we are to take that away from her?" Wendy's voice cracked and she started to cry harder. "I'm sorry."

You're so selfish, Yeri. How could you choose to suffer alone?

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but we have to put her in morgue now." A nurse entered the room. Wendy nodded and hospital staffs entered the room. They made us step aside from her body and they started to move her to another bed. While they are busy, I noticed a paper. I went closer to check and saw that it’s her death certificate. I read it carefully and was stunned by what I saw.

Time of death: August 2, 2020. 3:05 am.

3:05 am.

Truly, a bad dream.

I just wish I could wake up again.