A shadow...he was before.

A shadow...I was before.

Whenever I turn around...he was there.

Whenever he turns around...I always wanted to be there.

His smile...something I couldn’t erase.

His smile...I never really get to see it in the first place.

And now that things had changed...

And now that things had changed...

And time had passed...

And time had passed...

When he went away...I lost myself.

When I went away...I found myself.

He is still the most annoying person I’ve ever met.

He is still the most wonderful person I’ve ever met.

He managed to take with him a part of me.

I accidentally left behind a part of me.

I learned to cherish his presence now that he’s gone.

I learned to appreciate myself now that I’m gone.

I realized...Lee Hyukjae couldn’t exist without Lee Donghae...

I realized...Lee Donghae could exist without Lee Hyukjae...

And I am not happy.

But I am not happy.

Hi Hyukkie!

Let me call you that for the last time, please? Thank you. So Hyukkie, by the time you will read this silly letter, I am probably back in Mokpo with my family. I have so much things to say to you but I don’t know when, where, or how to start.

First, I want to say I’m sorry. Let me apologize for being too much. I’m sorry if I was nothing but a nuisance to you. I just admired you so much, you know. You are my eternal role model and I admired and will forever admire you for being you. I have so much things I need to apologize for but maybe I’ll just say sorry for one thing. I’m sorry for being me.

Second, I want to thank you, Hyukkie. You made me realized how badly I need to grow up. With the help of Teukie hyung, he told me that I really need to stop living behind you and start making something for myself.

The real reason why I decided not to renew my contract is that I think it’s time I find myself. Who really is Lee Donghae without Lee Hyukjae and without Super Junior. I also want to find something I will be good at, and I will use the future to rebuild myself into someone that is truly me. Someone you, the hyungs, and the dongsaengs could be proud of. I hope you will also be proud of me, Hyukkie, the same way I am so proud of you.

So, that would be all. Fly high, Hyukkie! Fly high, and be the last man standing. Super Junior, fighting! Lee Hyukjae, fighting!

P.S. I composed a song that I initially hoped would be our unit song. It is already saved on your laptop. Sorry for using it without asking for your permission. Please find the demo with the title “Love That I Need”. I hope you can use it in the future. Consider that as my last gift.

Love,

Hae Hae

“You know what, hyung? Even if you reread that letter for gazillion times, the sender won’t come back.”

A soft chuckle followed the statement as Hyukjae turned around. Super Junior’s maknae Kyuhyun was looking at him with an expression somewhere in between pity and a bit of disdain. The dancer could not really blame the younger member. After Donghae had decided not to renew his contract and permanently left Super Junior, Kyuhyun seemed to have suffered the greatest impact. The two were undeniably close and every time Donghae was not tailing after Hyukjae, he was with Kyuhyun eighty-percent of the time. Their maknae loved his Fishy hyung so much that he had undergone a phase where he shut himself to the members, to the higher-ups, and the world, in general. Luckily, their maknae came around not too long ago.

Not just Kyuhyun, however as all the other members were practically not the same since their fake maknae had left. The dynamic of the group is still there, but even a blind person would notice that something had changed.

“Let’s go, hyung. Teuk hyung is calling for a meeting in the living room. He said it’s about our concert next month,” Kyuhyun called for him for the second time and he nodded his head, motioning for the younger to go ahead and that he will be there soon.

When the maknae left his room, Hyukjae let his gaze linger a bit on the bottom part of the letter where the name “Hae Hae” was messily written.

I never really get to call you with your favorite nickname.

He gently folded the paper and tucked it in between the book he had bought some time ago. Romeo and Juliet.

Maybe if I read something that you love, I can still feel your presence here.

“The director said that our concert would be postponed and instead of it happening next month, we now have four more months to prepare.”

The members listened patiently as their leader explained and relayed the information he got from the higher-ups. They did not have objections nor did they voice out any complaints as they believed it was for the best. It was for their best.

“We also have to record again some of the songs that we have to perform,” Leeteuk added and while some immediately understood the implications of what he had said, some were confused.

Ryeowook slightly raised his hand, “What for, hyung?” He innocently asked. “Aren’t we scheduled to record the three new songs instead?”

Sungmin, who was sitting beside Ryeowook patted the latter’s right shoulder. “It’s only fair for the fans to exclude Donghae’s voice from our songs. We don’t want to invoke their pain from the past, Wook.”

Silence soon followed Sungmin’s answer. Some pairs of eyes turned to look at Hyukjae, their leader turned to the maknae, while the rest looked somewhere else. Somewhere they did not even know themselves. Mentioning Donghae still is like walking on eggshells for the members.

Kyuhyun may have suffered the greatest impact when Donghae never came back, but they knew that it was Hyukjae whose heart never really healed. They did not have the heart to blame their main dancer for what had happened since unlike the rest of them, Hyukjae never really recovered. He never really healed.

But just like the rest of the world, life must go on. Even if Donghae did not bother to contact them at all save for some occasions, they will always support him as long as he is healthy, safe, and happy.

Leeteuk cleared his throat, “Sungmin’s right. It was the director’s idea to polish the songs and adjust our choreography. He thinks that for four months is enough but he told me to just notify him if ever we needed more time.”

The members all nodded their heads. Hyukjae remained silent as the rest of the members talked more about the plans both for the concert preparations and for the concert itself. It was a moment like this when Hyukjae realized tha