Lisa walked to her house with heavy footsteps, with each footstep weighing down on her every time she gets closer to home. She’s had a horrible day at work, with her boss trashing a project she worked her off for in the past month and one of her ongoing projects was cancelled too. It didn’t help that she knew she would be going home to an empty house, void of the warmth it had just six months ago.  Going home used to be her favorite part of the day, and it’s not the physical structure of a home but a person who is her home. Now, she finds going home too lonesome and heavy that she would always take detours to avoid going home too early. 

She wanted to leave the house but a small part of her was hoping he would come back, come back home to her. Hanging on to a thin thread was all she has, that thread of hope that sooner or later, she knew would be gone. She’s told herself numerous times that she needed to let go, like how he let go of her but how could she? Whenever she would close her eyes, all she could see was him. Whenever she would walk around the house, he was there, in every nook and cranny. Everywhere she looked it reminded her of him, his warmth, his love. She’s been desperately clinging on to him, to whatever was left of him that will remind her of him. 

The cold autumn air suddenly felt colder, with each of her footsteps bringing her closer to that thin thread of hope she has. She hasn’t changed a thing since he left, his clothes were still hanging in the closet, his toothbrush was still next to hers, and his favorite coffee mug still hung on the kitchen counter. She was hoping that he’ll come back for his things and she’ll get to see him again even if he’ll leave. She wanted to see him one more time so that she could memorize every detail of his face and keep it tattooed in her mind forever even if it will hurt. She hasn’t looked at his pictures since he left though, she was afraid that she’ll fall apart more than she already did. 

She hated herself for not being able to let go, she hated that he left her all alone when he promised that he wouldn’t. She hated that she can’t see that smile she loved so much, she hated that she misses his hugs, she hated that she missed every fiber of his being even if he caused her so much pain. Was it really like that? Do you just wake up one day and realize that you don’t love someone anymore? How does one even fall out of love? Why can’t she do that too? It felt unfair that he woke up one day and he realized that he doesn’t love her anymore and left without even a proper goodbye but here she is, still hopelessly in love with him, trying to desperately understand how could he leave so easily. 

It was unfair but when was the world ever fair? She started walking faster, as the air was getting colder by the minute and as she approached her house, she saw a familiar figure. A figure that she knew all too well. Her feet was suddenly glued to the ground, as she finds herself unable to take another step forward. He had his back turned to her but she knew it was him. It was the first time she’s seen him in six months and her breaths started getting heavier each second that passes. She didn’t want to get her hopes up, but of course, a part of her couldn’t help but hope that he was there to come back to her. She took a deep breath and started taking small steps towards the house and she felt her legs become weaker with each step as she closes in the distance between them. 

Probably hearing her footsteps, his head suddenly turned to her direction which prompted her to stop. They were probably about 2 meters away from each other, with the both of them not daring to say a word. Even from a far she could tell that a lot has changed about him. Gone was the clean cut hair he always had which was now replaced by a long, almost mullet looking hair. Gone was the watch he always wore that was a gift from her and the bracelet that she gave him. She suddenly felt pathetic that she was still wearing the ring he gave to her on a chain around her neck. Something changed about him, even if she can’t exactly pinpoint what it is. She bravely took a few more steps to close the distance between them until they were only about 3 feet away from each other. 

“Hey.” He said after a long time of silence. She could only look at him, with her eyes trying to take in what she can since this might be the last time she’ll see him but after a few seconds, she replied with a small “Hey”. Was this what it felt like? Talking to someone who was once your world is now suddenly a stranger? “What brings you here?” She asked, hoping that the shake in her voice wasn’t that noticeable. She was trying hard to keep the lump forming in down, she shouldn’t cry, especially in front of him. “I came here to get my stuff, I’m sorry that I took too long to get it.” Those words were enough to reopen the wounds on her heart that was just starting to heal. “Oh” was all she could only softly mutter. She made her way past him and fished her keys from the bag and made her way to the door. She saw him follow her to the porch and waited behind her until she could open the door. 

She didn’t want to open the door, knowing that he’ll be taking away that thin thread she was holding on to. She wasn’t ready to let go, not yet. With a heavy heart, she opened the doors and let him in. “Sorry for the mess, things are just hectic with work lately.” She said as they made their way to the living room. “You didn’t resign yet?” He asked which surprised her, he still remembered that she was planning to quit her job a few months before he left. “I didn’t, I figured that work would be the best way to distract me.” She softly said before making her way to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

Trying hard to suppress her tears, Lisa gulped down a glass of water to calm herself down. She didn’t know that it would hurt this much to see him again, she thought that probably it would hurt less since she’s kind of accepted that he left but no. The pain was still very much the same from when he left her six months ago. She took deep breaths before making her way back to the living room to see Sehun, still standing and looking around from where she left him a few minutes ago. She cleared , “You can take your things, it’s still wherever you left them. Your luggage is still in the room too.” Sehun nodded and went to the bedroom. She contemplated whether or not she would follow him but decided against it, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to help herself and ask him why. 

Did she need answers? Yes, but she was too afraid to know the truth. Knowing that he just fell out of love one day was better than knowing the reasons why. Sehun came out of the room 10 minutes later, with his luggage in one hand. “Do you mind if I take some vinyls with me? It’s okay if you don’t want me to.” He asked. Lisa just gave him a small smile, “You can take them, they’re yours anyways and the turntable too.” Sehun nodded and walked past her towards the shelf where they kept their collection of vinyls they bought together over the years. Before, it was only Sehun who bought vinyls but she also found herself buying some for herself too. They would usually put on their favorite Sinatra vinyl and dance with each other all night long. 

She tried hard not to look at Sehun as he was getting the vinyls out of the shelf, but she couldn’t help herself. She still loves him a lot, she realized, much to her disappointment. “Aren’t you going to ask?” Sehun suddenly said which startled her and broke her out of her thoughts. She contemplated for a second before answering, “I won’t as much as I would like to.” 

Sehun turned his head towards her and said, “Why not?”. Lisa just shrugged, “I don’t know, I don’t think I’m ready I guess.” Sehun nodded and continued taking out the vinyls from the shelf. “Can I ask you something?” He asked. Lisa was surprised but just nodded. 

“Why did you leave everything the way it was?” Sehun asked. Lisa wanted to lie, tell him that she was too busy to pack his things, but in reality there were nights that she would stare at their closet and she would just cry. She didn’t have anything to lose anyway, it’s better to just tell him the truth. “At first I left them in the hopes that you would come back and we could just pick up right where we left off. But as months passed, I guess it was just some sort of way of holding on to you.” Lisa said with a sad smile. 

“I’m sorry.” Sehun softly said. 

As Lisa heard those words, the tears that she tried hard to keep in just streamed down her face. “You were the only thing I was sure of that I’ll have even if I have nothing left. You just leaving like that even after making those promises hurt me so much. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.” Her voice was trembling, and she tried to calm herself down. She buried her face in her hands and she just felt a pair of arms wrap around her and pat her head gently. She felt herself instantly melt into his touch, just like she used to. She missed this feeling so much it hurts, and it hurts even more because she knew it won’t last.  

As she started to calm down, Sehun’s hold on her started to loosen and when she felt that he was about to let go, she held on to his arms to stop him. “Can we stay like this for awhile? Please.” she softly pleaded and Sehun could only nod in response. She knew this was going to be the last time, this would be goodbye. She’s trying to take everything in, his scent, his warmth, everything. She was still so hopelessly in love with him that asking him to stay with her for awhile seemed pathetic but she could care less. 

“Remember what you told me on our third anniversary?” Lisa’s voice was so small that she wasn’t sure if he heard her. Sehun didn’t answer so she just continued, “You told me that even if I had nothing left, I would always have you.” Lisa chuckled softly, remembering how chaotic that anniversary was. They both had a horrible day at work, their reservation was cancelled and they just opted to have chicken and beer delivered. But that was the best night, they enjoyed each other’s company fully even if everything seemed like it was falling apart that time. They still had each other, and that’s what mattered the most. 

“You still have me you know, you’ll always have me even if I don’t have you anymore.” Lisa said softly her heart breaking more than she thought was possible each second that passes. She slowly let go of Sehun which made him let go too. She sat up straight, trying to compose herself, “Thank you for everything, really. You made life seem so much brighter than it really is.” She smiled sadly. 

“I lied.” Those words were enough to stop Lisa from standing up as she looked at Sehun with confusion and a questioning look. He averted his gaze towards the floor, “I lied about saying I didn’t love you anymore.” Lisa felt the confusion swirling inside her, she couldn’t understand why would he lie. She wanted to say something, but she couldn’t mutter a word so she just continued looking at Sehun with a frown on her face, confusion evident in her eyes. Sehun cleared his throat and took a deep breath, “Your parents talked to me about marriage.” 

Lisa felt a bucket of ice cold water had been dumped on her. Why didn’t she think of marriage the one thing that they were at odds with each other so they rarely bring up the topic. Lisa wanted to get married while Sehun, he doesn’t believe in marriage. He believes that it’s only something that makes things messy. He didn’t want it at all. Lisa found out about this when they were already dating for 3 years, at first she was very upset but eventually she realized that she didn’t mind getting married as long as she could be with Sehun. 

“What did my parents say?” Lisa fiddled with her fingers waiting for an answer. “They asked me when I would propose. Then I couldn’t answer because you know what I feel about marriage.” Sehun took a deep breath before he continued, “They got disappointed in me when I couldn’t answer and said that I should already be thinking about it. Six years is already a long time they said and plus we already seem married, the ceremony was the only thing missing.” Lisa sighed, feeling her temples hurt. 

“So that’s why you left? Because you can’t marry me?” Lisa asked with a bit of aggressiveness in her voice. Sehun nodded, “I left because I couldn’t give you what you deserved.” Lisa sighed, “Why didn’t you tell me? Who are you to say what I deserved or not? I was okay not getting married as long as I was with you. Why did you decide for me?” Lisa’s eyes were welling with tears out of frustration, she had the worst six months of her life just because he couldn’t tell her that he didn’t want to get married which she came to understand as they were together. 

“I know you were okay with not getting married but I know that deep down, you still wanted to get married. You just settled with not getting married because of me. You deserve better than that, you deserve someone who can give you what you truly want.” Sehun said, frustration also evident on his voice. Lisa shook her head, “I don’t want marriage, I want you. Why can’t you understand that?” 

“You don’t deserve that. You deserve to get married and have some sort of stability from that marriage which I can’t give to you. You settled, and I don’t want you to settle” Sehun said firmly. Tears were now streaming down Lisa’s face, “I didn’t settle, I made a choice. I made a choice to love you and stay with you for the rest of my life even without marriage. As long as I’m with you, I know I’ll be okay.” Her heart felt so heavy, she was frustrated, angry, and sad at the same time. They were both silent and as minutes passed, both of them were starting to calm down. 

“Can’t I be the exception to your rule?” Lisa asked softly. 

Sehun took a while to answer by shaking his head and that was enough to tell Lisa that it really was over. They love each other, no doubt about that but in the long run would love be enough? Was he right that she would look for stability too in the future? Deep down, she knew he was right and she might end up regretting it. 

Picking up his things and giving her a small smile, she watched the love of her walk out of her house and her life again, but now it was for good. 

If there's nothing left

If there's nothing left, I have you

If there's nothing left

If there's nothing left, you have me too, oh

Hold your breath and hold on for dear love

Blue and black all over, but you know we're gold

- If There's Nothing Left by Niki