tw: homophobia

As Handong stared at the file in front of her, her mind couldn’t help but wander into dangerous territory. It had been years since she had thought about Kim Minji, that name was nothing but the whisper of a ghost she had thought she left behind.

Thousands of memories she had repressed flashed through her mind, from the time they first met, to how they became friends, the happiest and saddest days they shared during their friendship, to the terrible way it all ended.

But no matter how hard she tried to stop thinking about it, the past that haunted her was resurfacing once again.

Handong ran a frustrated hand through her hair and then down her face, coming to a surprising discovery: She was crying .

Tears fell down her face at a rapid pace and she just couldn’t stop them; it seemed like the walls she had carefully crafted over the years were inevitably falling down. 

Without looking away from the picture in front of her, she grabbed her cell phone with a trembling hand and called a number she knew by heart.

“Hey , what’s up?”

It seemed like hearing the voice from the woman on the other side of the line was all Handong needed to fully break down, she wanted to speak and tell the other what was going on but the words got stuck in ; the only thing that came out from were sobs.

“Dong-dong? What’s going on? Are you hurt?” , the other woman’s voice was full of concern, making Handong cry harder. “Where are you right now?”

“O-office”, Handong’s words could be barely understood.

“I’ll be there in a jiffy” , some thumps, keys jiggling and the sound of a zipper were heard from the other side of the line, “Don’t hang up until I get there, okay?”

Even though the other woman couldn’t see her, Handong nodded.

No more than ten minutes had passed when a tall blonde woman hastily made her way into the CEO’s office; all it took was one look at Handong for the woman to rush next to her and take her into her arms.

“Li-lisa…”, Handong burrowed her face into Lisa’s neck, her tears making Lisa’s skin and jacket damp.

“What’s wrong?”, Lisa said as she tightened her hold on Handong, as if to reassure her that she was there , one hand caressing her hair.

“She is back”, Handong’s voice was nothing more than a broken whisper.

Lisa furrowed her brows, her mind going through all the possibilities of who could have made her friend feel this way; her eyes wandered over Handong’s desk and landed on the open file, and when she saw the picture on top of it, it all made sense. There was only one person that could make the usually composed and seemingly cold hearted Handong break down like this .

Of course it has to be mothering Kim Minji, Lisa thought with a roll of her eyes.

The memory of how they first met

Ever since she could remember, Handong hated attending business dinners. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t attended many of them yet; but the ones she had been to in her 8 years of life were enough to fester a deep hatred for them.

She has tried to get out of them ( more than once! ) but her father always insisted that they’d do her good, that she had to learn the family business since the growing Han Consolidated was her legacy.

So Handong, not one to go against her father’s words, did as she was told; she let her mother put her in uncomfortable dresses and pretended to be interested in whatever the adults were talking about, instead of being able to play outside with the other kids. She despised more the former than the latter, as her mother seemed to always find the worst outfits to dress her in -like that time her mom made her wear that hideous neon pink with dark green details dress, she still shudders every time she thinks about it.

Handong sighed as she looked outside the window, her gaze focusing on the kids outside playing what seemed to be tag; when she first had started coming to these things, she had tried to join them but they had deemed her too weird and proper, not allowing her to play with them. While at first it had stung, Handong had gotten over it quickly after seeing how dumb those kids could get.

“Dong”, her father called her over with a wave of his hand, “Come meet the Kims, our new business partners”.

The first thing Handong noticed was that the Kims were really tall and had these intimidating aura surrounding them; not letting it show, Handong just bowed and said it was nice to meet them.

The Kims’ stoic faces morphed into a smile, it seemed like they were pleased with her good manners.

“Nice to meet you Handong”, Mr. Kim said before turning behind him, “You could learn a thing or two about her, Minji”.

Handong finally noticed a girl that seemed to be around her age standing right behind Mr. Kim.

Minji giggled at her father’s words and gave the Han family an awkward bow, “Nice to meet you”.

When Minji came back up, Handong noticed she was wearing this thick coke bottle glasses that made her look funny, her chubby cheeks standing out more, and when the girl smiled it seemed like she was missing her two front teeth.

Noticing the attention on her, Minji just smiled wider and stuck her tongue out between the space of her missing teeth; making Handong roll her eyes, this girl really has no manners.

Suddenly, Minji wasn’t standing right in front of them but right next to her.

“Let’s go play”, she said while taking Handong’s hand and pulling her away from their parents, not giving her a chance to refuse.

Handong gave her father one last look, pleading him to save her from what would probably be hell for her, but Mr. Han just shook his head and mouthed ‘behave’. She scoffed at him, as if she would ever behave less than perfect when they were at a business dinner.

So annoying , Handong thought as Minji swung their joined hands as they walked.

Handong had been right, the next hours were like hell for her, it seemed like Minji just wouldn’t stop talking and couldn’t sit still, pulling Handong with her all over the place. 

Once they were called for dinner, Handong thought that she might be able to get a respite from Minji’s presence, but she was wrong; of course, their parents thought it’d be a great idea to have the girls sit together so they could bond. 

This is going to be a long night , was what ran through Handong’s mind as she stared at Minji playing with her food.

It took Handong more than ten minutes to finally feel like she could finally breathe without bursting into tears once again; it seemed like being in Lisa’s arms and the soothing hand running softly through her back were all she needed to calm down.

Slowly, she lifted her head from the crook of Lisa’s neck, grimacing when she noticed the traces of smeared make-up she had left on Lisa’s neck and jacket.

“I’m so sorry”, Handong whispered while trying to clean the mess she had made in Lisa’s neck with her hand, “I’ll buy you a new jacket since I ruined this one”.

Lisa chuckled softly, never letting go of Handong, “It’s okay, I care more about you than I do about this lousy jacket, I was actually thinking about getting rid of this old thing”

Handong ran a hand over Lisa’s jacket to try to get rid of the wrinkles, “I’m pretty sure this one is your favorite jacket”.

“No, it’s not”, Lisa denied quickly, making Handong laugh.

They stared at each other’s smiling faces, and after a few seconds the air became charged with something.

Handong her lips, “Thank you, for being here”.

Lisa gave her a soft smile, “You know I’ll always have your back”.

Lisa’s words made Handong’s smile fall from her face, making her remember someone else that had made that same promise once upon a time.

The memory of how they became friends

After that fateful business diner, Handong couldn’t seem to shake Kim Minji away. It seemed like the girl was everywhere she went to, suddenly Minji was in her same school -thankfully in a different class though-, in her ballet classes, and even sharing the same ride as her.

Their parents apparently thought the girls had gotten along perfectly during the diner and decided that to strengthen the relationship between their families their daughters should become best friends . 

As if, Handong had mentally scoffed as her father told her that her and Minji would be seeing more of each other outside of school and classes, that he had scheduled at least one playdate a week with the Kims.

Thankfully, their parents never went with them on their playdates as they were always busy, instead leaving them in charge with their nannies; which meant that Handong could just spend the day ignoring Minji and not playing with her.

So far, it had worked. Minji had tried several times to coax her into playing with her but Handong never bugged, firmly staying in her place under the shade of a tree reading; after being ignored several times, Minji gave up and went to play by herself.

But then, her nanny had to snitch on her and tell her father that she had been ignoring Minji during their playdates. That night she had been sent to bed without dinner and a warning: start getting along with Minji or else…

And that’s how Handong found herself building sandcastles with Minji in the playground, she was about to refuse because she hated the feel of sand on her skin when her father’s warning flashed to her mind.

She had found a loophole though: asking Minji to have a sandcastle contest with each one of them working on opposite sides of each other so as to not copy the other. 

It had been at least thirty minutes of them working in relative silence, only Minji’s grunts here and there when her sandcastle wouldn’t stand the way she wanted it to. Suddenly a shade fell over Handong, confused she looked up and was met with the sight of an older kid staring menacingly at her. 

“Can I help you?”, Handong went back to her sandcastle, not sparing the boy another glance.

“Your castle looks dumb ”, the boy drawled out the last word.

Handong just ignored him, knowing that it was best to not give her attention to people that weren’t worth her time.

“Didn’t you hear me?”, the boy stomped his feet, “I said your castle is dumb!”

Tired of not getting a reaction out of her, the boy groaned in frustration and started stomping all over her castle, making it crumble down to nothing. 

Before Handong could rip the boy a new one, Minji yelled “Hey! That’s not nice!”, before kicking the boy and throwing sand on his face.

The boy cried out and wiped his eyes, making matters worse as he couldn’t get the sand out of his eyes.

“Run!”, Minji took Handong by the hand and pulled her away from the boy, making themselves scarce before an adult could come over to berate them.

They ran and ran until Minji made them hide inside one of the playground structures.

“Why would you do that? I had everything under control!”, Handong crossed her arms and glared at Minji, who didn’t seem bothered by it if her smile was any indication.

“He ruined your sandcastle! He deserved it!”, Minji crossed her arms too, the smile falling from her face, “And whenever we come to the park he looks at you weirdly, you just never noticed cause your face is always buried in your books”.

Handong had to admit that the sight in front of her was funny, Minji seemed to be trying her best at looking mad but her two front missing teeth and her huge glasses just made her look kind of adorable.

(Something that Handong would never admit out loud).

“Besides, we’re friends”, Minji smiled once again.

Handong raised an eyebrow, “Who said we’re friends?”.

Minji shrugged, “My mommy, and she never lies”, Handong just shook her head at her statement, “Besides, you need someone to watch your back from dumb boys like that one”.

“I can take care of myself”

“But you’re a princess! Princesses need someone to protect them!”, Minji’s eyes went wide, “Like a knight! I can be your knight!”, Minji stood up from her place and placed her hands on her hips.

“I am not a princess, though”, Handong pointed out.

“Yes, you are one, cause you’re really pretty” , Minji said as if that was a well known fact.

This whole conversation seemed ridiculous, but Handong had to admit that it was nice to be wanted by someone like this; in all her 8 years of life she had never had a friend, so maybe, just maybe, being Minji’s friend wouldn’t be that bad.

“Besides”, Minji sat down next to Handong and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, “since we’re friends I’ll always have your back”.

“Okay”, was all Handong could say before Minji knocked her to the ground with her hug.

“We’ll be best friends forever”

And Handong didn’t know why, but something about Minji’s excited voice made her believe in her words.

Silence reigned for a moment as they both stared at each other, Handong being once again tormented with memories from her past while Lisa could only stare at her with worry in her eyes.

Handong let out a shaky breath, her eyes dropping to Lisa’s lips, “Lisa?”

“Yes?”, Lisa asked tentatively as Handong’s face got closer by the second, her eyes also falling to the other’s lips.

“Please make me forget”, Handong whispered as she rested her forehead against Lisa’s.

“We said we’d stop doing this”, Lisa whispered back, her eyes closing.

“Please…”

Though this was something they had already done several times in the past, Lisa didn’t want Handong to do something she’d regret later. 

“Are you sure?”, she asked.

“Yes”, was the only response Lisa got before Handong pressed her lips against hers, falling into a dance they both knew by heart. 

The one where it all went terribly wrong

After several nights discussing what to do about that particular night, Handong and Minji had finally agreed on something: they’d go to prom -just like Minji wanted- but would only stay for two hours before going to their favorite spot to watch the meteor shower -just like Handong wanted.

If she was being truthful, the main reason why Handong hadn’t initially wanted to go to prom was because she refused to see Minji dancing on the arms of some dumb boy while she spent the night dateless because everyone in their high school saw her as someone unapproachable and weird.

(She had heard the whispers going around, how everyone wondered how someone so bright and bubbly like Minji could be friends with someone as stoic and cold as Handong.)

So to the surprise of no one, when prom came around Handong had been asked out by zero (0) people while Minji had seemed to have been asked out by the entire school population.

Surprisingly, Minji had turned down every single person that asked her out.

When Handong had asked her about it, Minji had just shrugged and said with a spark in her eyes that she was just waiting for the right person to ask her.

For a moment, Handong thought that maybe Minji was talking about her ; but then, the mere thought of it made Handong feel ridiculous, there was just no way on earth that Minji felt something for her.

They were nothing more than best friends , right? That’s all they had been for the past eight years.

Sure, for the past couple of years Handong had noticed how much Minji had changed, her two front teeth had finally grown back, she had lost some of her baby fat -though her cheeks were still adorably chubby- and she had finally grown into the huge coke-bottle glasses that she refused to get rid of. So what if Handong’s heart stuttered in her chest whenever Minji smiled brightly at her? Or when she took her hand? Or basically whenever they did anything together? That didn’t have to mean something, right?

No matter how hard she had tried to deny it for the past years, Handong had to admit that maybe she felt something more than friendship towards Minji.

But the thought of Minji feeling something for her too? That was so far-fetched, impossible, it just couldn’t happen in this lifetime or the next.

Handong wouldn’t let her thoughts fall into that rabbit hole, although lately it had gotten harder and harder for her since Minji just seemed to be a little more affectionate, a little more attentive, just more in general lately towards her.

Had Handong had imagined the way Minji’s eyes ran all over her body the last time they had gone to her family’s private beach house? Maybe there had been something on her body, like a bug or scratch, that made Minji look at her like that. 

Or the time Minji had stopped talking to her for a few days after the daughter of the Zhao’s, Xiaotang, had given her a drink during the last gala they both had attended. Had Minji been jealous of the attention Xiaotang had given her? No, that didn’t sound right. Maybe Minji had just been busy or something.

Then this whole prom thing came around, messing more with Handong’s head.

Minji just seemed so insistent that they should go together, that it’d be  “ the night of nights” - Minji had said before bursting in a scarily accurate rendition of A Night to Remember-, that prom night was an experience that they shouldn’t miss.

And well, who was Handong to refuse when Minji looked at her like that ? With a smile that could surely light the darkest places on earth, with those eyes that shined like the night sky that they loved to watch together.

While to any other event they’d have gotten ready together, for this one Minji had insisted that they should get ready at their respective places and meet at school, that she had a surprise for her.

Handong didn’t even know what Minji would be wearing to prom, the other girl had just asked her what she would be wearing to make sure they would match; but other than that, she had been uncharacteristically mum about her outfit.

Prom night had finally arrived and Handong was waiting outside for Minji to arrive, she fiddled with her dress one more time, worried if what she had picked for the occasion was appropriate (and if it would hopefully render Minji speechless at the sight).

 [minji 💕]
meet me at the main entrance

Handong checked her messages with Minji, nervously making sure that she was at the place she should be at.

[dongie 💖]
where are you??
people are staring at me weirdly 🙄
i think they’re just jealous of how good i look (8

Handong sighed as her messages went unanswered, Minji always texted her back quickly, no matter the day or the hour; and whenever she was going to be busy with something, she would let Handong know beforehand.

As the minutes turned into double digit numbers, Handong couldn’t help but worry, maybe something had happened and that’s why Minji wasn’t answering.

[dongie 💖]
you are worrying me
what’s going on?
if you don’t answer in the next five minutes
i’m going to your house
prom be damned

Handong tapped her heel against the ground nervously, with every second that passed with no response her anxiousness grew. She was about to give up on waiting for a response and calling her driver to take her to Minji’s house when the skies suddenly opened and rain started pouring down, leaving Handong with no choice but to enter the school.

Maybe Minji is already inside? After all she did say she had a surprise for me, Handong thought as she walked down the hallway that led to the gym, where prom was being held.

[dongie 💖]
if you’re already inside
and forgot to tell me
i’ll bet you up
…
just kidding lol
...maybe

There was something weird going on, Handong thought as she made her way inside the gym; and her worries were confirmed when as soon as she entered, everyone turned to stare at her, the gym falling into silence.

[dongie 💖]
where are you?
i’m at the gym
everybody is staring at me
i feel weird

Handong started feeling self-conscious, was there something in her face? Had her dress maybe ripped? Why the hell was everyone staring at her?

Then the whispers started.

“What is she doing here?” “We don’t want someone like her here, what if she tries something?” “She’s too pretty to be a lesbian” “I heard she was taking advantage of Minji”

Her whole world came crashing down, how did they know she was a lesbian? She had never told anyone before, not even Minji. If everyone at school already knew, her parents would surely know soon too. Everyone was staring at her with disgust, like she was sick or something, tears welled up in her eyes but she would never give them the satisfaction of seeing her cry.

Ignoring the ever growing whispers, Handong held her head high and turned around, going back where she came from, but instead of heading to the entrance she took a detour to the restroom, needing a few minutes to calm herself before calling her driver.

[dongie 💖]
i need you
where are you?

Handong arrived at the restroom and checked that it was empty; releasing a relieved breath when it was, she dialed Minji’s number.

“ The number you have dialed is not in service this time ”, the operator answered back at her.

Confused, Handong tried again, getting the same result.

With every call that failed to go through, Handong started to get more desperate, it was getting harder to breathe and the walls were closing in, she was on the verge of having a panic attack.

When she heard footsteps coming closer, she hid herself in one of the cubicles, covering so as to not let out any sound.

“Oh my god, can you believe it?”, she heard someone opening the restroom’s door.

“I always thought there was something fishy about her”, another voice replied.

“Poor Minji, did you hear she took advantage of her? I always knew no one would hang out with that witch willingly”

“My dad is friends with Minji’s father and he told me that they had to move towns”

At those words, Handong’s world came to a sudden halt. 

“Really?”

“Yeah, cause they think she did something to Minji and the poor girl is now traumatized”.

“Let’s hope she leaves this school too”, the girls said something else before heading out of the restroom but Handong couldn’t really focus on whatever they were saying.

The next few minutes were all a blur to Handong, one second her driver had suddenly texted her to come outside and the next she was inside the car, watching the scenery go by.

When she came back to herself, Handong tried to call Minji once again, but every single try went unanswered.

[dongie 💖]
minji?
(message failed to deliver)
i tried calling you but
my call wouldn’t go through
please text me back
(message failed to deliver)
i don’t know what’s going on
(message failed to deliver)
minji please
(message failed to deliver)

Tears ran down her cheeks with every message she typed and bounced back, tired of it, she told her driver to take her to Minji’s house.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that Miss Han”, the driver said without taking his eyes off the road, “Your father wants you back home immediately”.

“Please”, her voice broke as she pleaded, “Just for five minutes”.

“Orders are orders, Miss Han”.

[dongie 💖]
minji?
(message failed to deliver)
why aren’t my messages
going through either?
(message failed to deliver)

Thankfully, by the time they arrived at her house the rain had stopped falling, so Handong started to consider making a run for Minji’s house, nevermind that she was wearing a long dress and heels.

But as soon as the front porch came into view, she saw her parents standing there, their faces void of any emotion. That could only mean one thing: something was wrong.

Still, Handong’s thoughts were only focused in Minji.

As soon as she stepped out of the car she told her father “I need to go to Minji’s” without hesitation.

Her mother could only shake her head as her husband exhaled deeply before saying, “We have nothing to do with the Kims anymore. So you better forget about that girl soon”.

Handong could only stare confusedly at her father, nothing he was saying was making sense, he loved Minji as if she was part of the family, “What do you mean?”

Her mother wrapped an arm around her shoulders and guided her inside, his father following suit after them.

“The Kims have betrayed us, Dongie”, was all her father said before heading to his office, slamming the door behind him.

“Mom?”, Handong was now more confused that ever, what did her father meant with that? Ever since that business dinner more than eight years ago, both families had been inseparable.

“We’ll talk more in the morning”, her mother guided her to her room, “let your father fix everything first”.

Handong felt numb, nothing was making sense to her. She let her mother help her out of her dress and into some pajamas, not even moving when her mother started wiping her make-up off.

Her phone rang and Handong quickly unlocked it, hoping that Minji was finally getting back to her.

[unknown]
you’re so disgusting

[unknown]
leave school already

[unknown]
i hope you die

[unknown]
creep

Several messages coming from unknown numbers started arriving. All of them a variation of the same thing; Handong just couldn’t understand how someone could send her so much hate when all she did was exist.

[dongie 💖]
minji
i’m so confused
(message failed to deliver)
i don’t know what’s going on
(message failed to deliver)
i need you
(message failed to deliver)
minji
you can no longer contact this number

Where the was Minji?, was all Handong could think about, with trembling hands she tried dialing Minji’s number one last time but what she heard next made her drop her phone to the floor.

“The number you have dialed is not in service this time”.

That night Handong couldn’t sleep, her mind worrying about the possibilities of what was going on. Dark turned into light, the sun shining through the window she had forgotten to close, Handong rubbed her tired eyes and decided that she was going to the Kims house, not caring that it was the crack of dawn. She needed answers, she desperately needed to see Minji.

Without making any noise, after she changed into some pants and a sweatshirt, she left the house hoping her parents wouldn’t notice, taking only her phone and wallet with her.

Determined, she made her way to the Kims house, luckily the family had moved closer to the Hans as their business and friendly relationship progressed; she made it to the house faster than she usually did and when she got there, the feeling of hope that grew with every step she took vanished.

A “For Sale” sign was pinned in the front yard.

“No…”, Handong whispered before running to the door, knocking with all her might, hoping that this was all a weird dream and that Minji would open the door with her usual smile.

But as the minutes passed and no answer came, Handong started getting more desperate, she wasn’t leaving this place without an answer.

Looking under the welcome mat, knowing that Minji usually kept her spare key there no matter how many times Handong told her it was dangerous and that she should pick a better spot, Handong almost yelled in triumph as she found the key was still there.

As she tried to open the front door, she noticed her hands were shaking, making it almost impossible to unlock the door. She took a deep breath to steady herself, still not losing that small ounce of hope that she was still holding onto, and opened the door.

The key fell from her hand as she took in the space before her.

The house was empty, as if not one soul had ever lived there.

Minji was gone, she had left without a trace.

Not giving up, Handong tried dialing Minji’s number one last time.

“ The number you have dialed no longer exists”

Heavy breathing was all that could be heard in that office, both women’s energies spent after the passionate encounter they had just had. Thankfully, no one was around the office at this hour, the only witness being the moon and stars that could be seen from Handong’s office’s windows.

And as she basked in the comfort that being in Lisa’s arms gave her, Handong really started to think about the whole situation. 

How could she have been so blind? It’s not like one person could drastically change a lot from their late teens to adulthood, right? If she really thought about it, the only things that had really changed about Minji were that she had lost some weight, forgone her coke-bottle glasses and dyed her hair blonde. 

Well, she also got cockier with age , Handong thought; Jiu’s personality was definitely different to Minji’s but at the same time, it was not. She’s still so annoying though , she rolled her eyes.

And that’s when Handong realized that maybe that weird feeling she always got around Jiu (and whenever she thought about her) was because deep down she knew , knew that the girl she had tried so hard to forget about and Jiu were one and the same; after all, you never forget about your first love.

hope you like it!! let me know what you think uwu

disclaimer: all mistakes are mine, english is not my first language.

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tw: @anothershipper
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