“Sungwoon.”

He snaps his head up, straightening his posture to the way he knows his father prefers and readily replies like an awakening robot whose power switch has been flicked. Touched with a spark of electricity fuelled solely on the prospect of make belief.  

“Yes Father.”

“Go freshen up, we’re leaving soon and what is this?” The pronounced elite is reaching for the spread book in Sungwoon’s hands, but the boy is fast to pull the plain cover away. Closing it tightly and drawing it securely to his chest.

“Nothing Father, just a piece for school.”

There’s a bleak silence, but the questioning brows of his father has him quickly getting up. Excusing himself and hurrying towards his bedroom, because he knows if his father as much as catches a glimpse of what’s written within those pages… there will be consequences to pay. And they won’t be shy of light or empathetic, he’s sure of that.

Once the door to his room is softly closed behind him, he slumps against it and releases a lengthy breath as he slides down the furnished wood. A shaky shallow breath, one he never even knew he was holding, and it deepens as the thunder rolls past his ears. He glances towards the window, sighing as pelts of heavy rain hit the glass in scattered droplets. Each one racing, fighting to get to the bottom first.

Another rainy day, huh?

“Sungwoon we’re going to be late, get down here.”

It’s times like this when he full heartedly prays. He wishes one day a sun will be able to shine bright enough to even pierce the never-ending storm that’s soaked all this warped reality drowning him in. That he’ll glow within those golden shimmers so pure with peace and be casted under an eternal warmth full of nothing but tranquility forever. Feel those beams that bring him happiness and lulling whispers, burn naturally against his skin. Relish in it without the worry of thunder and lightening and freezing winds. But that’s a fantasy too good to believe in because every continuing day only ever ends with the cold, bleak rain and he has just sullenly come to accept it.

“Sungwoon!”

He rolls his eyes and gets up, putting his journal down neatly on the nightstand. A simple leather binding with deep, raw emotions and secrets encased between each page. Every hushed story and fleeting smile lost in the recollection of his written words. Forbidden words. His fingers brush across the wearing cover and hover there before he draws them back. Abandoning the heat for the chill of his duty.

“Coming.”

As his pastor preaches from the mystifying stage, his mind stays focused on the sin. His sin and it’s always the same little worries that worm their way around. A heart racing fear that comes with a truth he’s guilted to conceal behind a strained smile and open bible. One he masks with after school activities and volunteer groups in hopes that he’ll forget the sweet feeling of. He won’t, he can’t, he’s witnessed himself fail way too many times to believe in that.

And it’s the rejection that sticks, that clings to each erratic thought like a saran casing.

What would they think and what would they do if they knew? There’s an uneasiness that comes with that ideology and it makes him sick sitting here when he knows exactly what it is, he has committed. What it is he can’t quit and has no promise in ever stopping. He’s tried that too.

His father is a perfect man and mother a perfect wife, born to parents of the very same. This whole church and community respects them, they’ve been constructing the image for generations alone now. Holy figures in the eyes of all their peers. His family renowned for have given and donated all too much to the church, it’s in his blood. They would never accept his secrets; it would do nothing but tarnish his fathers polished name and that’s exactly why they will stay nothing but that. Little secrets. A blinding light that only shines within the darkest hours and he can’t allow that light a reliable socket.

Bringing them all dishonour and shame and resentment is worse than feeling sorry for the self he has cleverly hidden away. Because it’s a self he should have never pursued. So, he stands and applauds when the service is over like he always does. Each dull clap deafening the joys a clap should hold.

“Did you hear about the Park’s son?” His mother whispers from the passenger seat and his father’s dying hum tells him he knows exactly what she’s about to say. Was the first to every hear it from Jimin’s own mouth.

“Gay”

He sharply inhales and sheepishly looks up. Hoping they can’t register the drop of his heart between the silence of repulsion and conservative radio show.

“Sungwoon” and his father is fixing the review mirror so their eyes can fully meet. Disgusted eyes that pierce with words that don’t have to be said to be heard. “No more hanging around with the Park’s son, that boy will do nothing but pollute your reputation.”  

Silence

He wants to cry and scream and run, but there’s an automotive response keeping him still. This clenching of sudden sadness brings a roaring disparity with it, because Jimin’s his friend and they’ve talked about this. About coming out and how good it would feel to no longer hold the pressures of internalized guilt over their shoulders. How weightless being free and living as happy as they desired for themselves, would be. To love without a single restraint or suffocation and remorse. It’s too painfully far to reach, too sunny for the gloom of this life.

Silence… a silence so obvious, it can’t hide the truth.

Those dreamy delusions don’t exist for them and it’s heartbreaking. He’s learned that there will be no place of serenity for them. No freeness or forgiveness lurking within the strict gates that have been built around them and he aches with guilt for providing Jimin with any sense of hope. For making it sound easy and worthy enough to risk their entire livelihood for.

How badly he wishes he could be there for the younger right now, is manic. He wishes he could hug the kid and tell him that he’s courageous and that everything will be okay just like those camp nights they spent whispering about it in the dead of night. But he knows for a fact it won’t be. The church, his very parents, this community… they won’t let this go. They’ll hold it over his head until the disown-ship felt deserved and what’s worse, is that if he reaches out now… he’ll bare the same fate.

And he’s not like Jimin. He’s a coward. A bunny in the mouth of danger and he doesn’t have the guts to face the truth, he only fathoms how to run away from it. Conceal away and hope he’ll wake up being the version of himself that’s the easiest to survive on. So, he shuts down his emotions. Shuts down the hurt gathering behind his eyes and closed lips like he always does.

And stays silent.

He Slowly closes the car door, flinching at the clicking of the lock and he turns with a shaky huff. His parents greet the neighbours as they lead the way to the house only to drop their interwoven grasp as soon as the front door fades behind them. Heading down separate halls until the need to prove how happy and perfect the lives they’ve constructed, dissipates.

It’s always the same. As soon as they come home the clever facades break and Sungwoon heads to his room, every heavy step tingling with pinpointed loneliness.

But if he says he minds, he’d be lying and today he’ll embrace the coldness of his room. Wallow in its emptiness.

He got over wondering why his parents never bothered with him the moment he realized boys weren’t supposed to want to hold another boy’s hand and that their outcasted portrayal meant more than the warmth of affection.

Junhyuk: Whos free tonight?

Hojung: Me!

San: ^^

Junhyuk: Timo wbu

Timo: Do I even need to answer

His fingers unconsciously type out ‘yes’, but he understands that this needs to end before it becomes too much for him to let go of and back spaces.

Woon: Idk guys I have a choir thing tomorrow. Don’t think they’ll like me going out.

Tae: Never stopped you before choir boy. Come out and play with us.

He brings his phone to his lips, smiling and Taehyun alone should be reason enough to retype that excited yes. But he shouldn’t, he knows he shouldn’t.

Tae: we r outside!!! Hurry ur up

His phone starts sharply buzzing and he jolts up, head turning towards the window. Sure enough Junhyuk’s jeep is there, waiting patiently on the side street and he wonders if maybe he never had a say to begin with. Well… when has he ever? This life isn’t exactly the definition of perfection nor is it forgiving, but sometimes he wishes it was.

There goes any idea of repenting, he thinks as he reaches for his backpack and stuffs it full. Clothes and a toothbrush are all he knows he needs, but over thinking things is a periodical habit of his. Yet, there isn’t much time to think when the adrenaline of sneaking out is the sole thing fueling his body into motion.

Whatever, it’s not like he won’t be home by tomorrow and not back in church by the following week. There’s time to worry about that then, there always is.

He silently opens his door and peeks down the hall before exiting, mind racing as he hesitantly pulls the bag over his shoulder.

But there isn’t too much to this.

He’s broken the cryptic map and memorized every trick spread across its blue sheet like a mouse running a maze. Knows what exactly his parents are doing right now, his dad’s in the study and his mom is in the lounge closest to the kitchen. Knows each squeaky door and the exact path to take to ensure a fast, successful escape. Which is the left wing and sliding window at the porch because he’s far from a perfect son and this isn’t his first time.

To others this mirage of elegance may seem big but to him… it couldn’t be more of the opposite. This building of weighted boards was small. Enclosing. Full of rooms he has never seen, locks he can never open and the smoggy air of eyes watching him to see if he’s following every posh rule ever created. Sitting tall and straight, shoulders level, knees touching, fingers folded. Observing to make sure he’s doing next weeks homework, practicing at the grand piano in the main hall, reading the classical literature his mother assigned to him and overall being the pinned up only child he was birthed to be.

If only they knew. He smirks, quietly making his way down the corridor.

It’s so tiny and narrow this hallway. So much so that these walls are caving in on him and every step forward, is another lost inch back. It’s confining and suffocating and the him that lives within its tight space has never been a depiction of the him he’s nervously allowed to prosper beyond its picketed fence.

A him that he feels at ease and true with and one he can no longer deny exists. Not Ha Sungwoon, instead just simply Sungwoon.

His parents, they won’t bother to check on him. They never do. His Nanny will call him for dinner, but she won’t say anything about his missing presence. Probably tell them that he’s not feeling well and is turning in early. She gets it, she was the very first to unravel the truth and she accepted the raw realism of his confused being. Helped nurse and raise the part of him that his parents and the bible never could.

The crosses endlessly glare at him and the unsettling air of everything perfect polishes those rawly cleaned floors. This isn’t a home, he thinks. It’s a set design and the scenes his parents shoot are only the ones they want others to see. The ones that will graze the tv screens for all their friends and neighbours’ eyes. One filmed to perfection and the outtakes deleted like they never existed.

This has never been a home.

He easily slips out the glass door, closing it lightly and this is the first time today… No, the first in days he feels he can freely inhale without restraint. Without the fear of those unsaid words following every one of those calculated breaths. His friends are waving at him and he giggles as he quickly hurries to their flailing limbs, hopping into the crowded back seat.

Leaving without a single remorse, or guilty stain marking his conscience. What’s done is done and all his worries are disappearing along with the image of the estate fading in the background.

Sungwoon’s arm drifts out the open window and he fights against the strong resistance to keep his fingers flowing freely in the wind. There’s the sound of freedom in the whisks of the engines humming motor, in the blooming laughter of his friends, his best friends, and the breeze that’s blowing coolly in his face from that very opening. Freedom in the foreign hand that’s made its way onto his thigh, a hand that doesn’t chastise him and ever demand he do better or give more. Instead one that embraces and accepts him. It’s warm, calming, forgetting and he leans into the heat of the body beside him. Eyes faintly following the suns trailing path.

The only tension is within the thoughts of getting further away.

Nothing needs to be said about where and when, because that’s not what guides them. They have no clue where they are going, but the feeling is what drives them forward and if Sungwoon’s jittering in an antsy wait. His friends already know.

There’s a shallow dirt road they’re heading up and he can taste the salt on his lips, sense it wafting in the foggy air of the vehicle. They haven’t been to place like this in awhile and he just wants to get there already. Kick his shoes off and run until his legs and lungs give in. However, the unwavering connection of Taehyun’s hand now grasping his own, soothes his pounding and impatient heart.

It’s just the wait that has them all anxiously looking out at the horizon and back at each other. Looks relaying similar toothy grins of almost there and just a little longer. And once the wheels come to a complete stop, they waste no time in scurrying out. Racing towards the coast and not daring to hold back their echoing cheers like freshly turned high school students. It’s rejuvenating… so innocently youthful.

The sun is setting and it’s casting sparkling hues across the endless waters of this isolated beach. Sungwoon’s just happy it’s not raining today, and he lays his head on Taehyun’s shoulder, closing his eyes. Listening to the brunette’s soft hums as he draws absently in the sand and the two youngest splashing around at the shoreline. If he could, he would stay like this until the end of forever and he means it.

“This is perfect.” He whispers. A type of perfect that can only be achieved through this blooming contentment. It’s better than perfect.

This calmness… it brings a priceless comfort, that is until the bubbling chuckles disappear only to be replaced with hysterical laughter as a fountain of water comes tumbling down on to them both. The contrasting coolness grazing his heated skin, stuns him and before he can react Taehyun is already moving.

“You guys are so dead.” He yells. Instantly getting up and chasing them back into the sea, causing Sungwoon to topple over in the now vacant space.

He clicks his tongue, dragging a hand through his now dripping hair and watches as Taehyun crashes into Hojung only to tackle the youngest down. It’s cute and it has him puffing out a soft hum as he dusts the sand off.

Why can’t every day be as effortlessly blissful?

“Come on Sungwoon.” Junhyuk’s hand lays open for him to take and as soon as he does, Timo’s pulling the two of them towards the water.

There’s a pleasant fuzz that’s coating his insides as they chase each other towards the expanding horizon and if this isn’t what life should be than he doesn’t know what livings for. This sensation, it’s like having time stop around them and seclude them within a moment completely their own. A utopian built solely around just them and they are the magicians with the ability to choose what happens next. Where they go from there.

Yet, a weak little worm still borrows and finds a way to consume a sliver of his thoughts. Will there ever be a peace that comes this effortlessly again. Does he need to make this last for as long as he can? But the sprinkling of cool sea beads hitting his body scares that worm away.

What counts is taking in this moment for what it is, and he plans on doing just that.

They spend hours splashing each other, soaking their shirts and pants until the sun is no longer seen and the chill of the night air pulls them from the water to the glowing fire of their makeshift campsite. Gathering close together and worshiping the heat with icy palms.

Sungwoon shivers and Taehyun is pulling the blanket tighter around them. He smiles up at the older, snuggling into the soft fleece and interweaving their hidden fingers, other hand bringing the can of beer casually to his lips. Timo is telling some story that’s supposed to be scary, but it really isn’t and as it nears to the end, they all gasp.

“I knew I’d get you guys this time.” The blonde excitedly claps and Sungwoon buries his grin in Taehyun’s neck. He really should let Timo have this.

“You got us good.” Junhyuk nods, jumping down from the back hitch of the jeep and turns the music back up.

Two things are for sure. First thing, Timo’s story but today they’re going easy on him and second… Another can of beer is suspiciously finding its way into his fumbling clutches and it’s not long before that now empty can is joining his growing pile. Sufficiently adding to his smouldering, not going to admit he has buzz.

Taehyun's pulling him up from his spot in front of the campfire and maybe he’s a little drunk, maybe they’re both a little drunk, but the night is far from over. Far from washing away the brightness of their midnight sun and maybe this is all he needs. Well, Taehyun has proven to be all he has ever needed and the off-beat patter of his heart when Taehyun’s palms fall on his hips only adds to that rising theory. Leading him in until their bodies are touching so closely and swaying in tune to that statically hip-hop track wafting from Junhyuk’s stereo.

This is crazy, it always had been crazy but it’s a good crazy. A bazaar little crazy he would let consume and incarnate him until the madness felt distinctly as home. And when they’re like this, he doesn’t have the time to search for a care nor the motivation to. He doesn’t even realize how consumed in thought he is, until an empty can is hitting his arm and bouncing to the ground with a clank.

What the…

“Okay. First of all, how is it possible for you guys to slow dance to rap and second; If you two love birds wanted a room, we could have easily dropped you off at a motel.” San simply says and it has him brushing off Taehyun’s grip, but only to push the questioning kid over.

“Maybe we want to try something new and fu…” And he’s not giving Taehyun permission to finish that sentence because it’s probably idiotic and distastefully inappropriate.

“You could only wish.” He cuts in, sitting back down on the log and despite his smothering blush, he still holds the blanket open for the other to join him. Allowing Taehyun to fall back into his spread arms, simply because he’s already missing the warmth and subtle touching of their skin.

“Don’t you two already do that though.” Junhyuk chuckles and Sungwoon coughs, bringing the fabric up to cover his tingling face. But the responsive curving of his lips is a provocative insight, a daring little secret and the alcohol is clearly starting to circulate.

The air fills with light jokes and before he knows it, Timo’s passing out a round of plastic shot glasses. They all gather as close as the fire allows them to and clank their liquor filled cups together.

“To our gay hyungs”

He’s too out of it to let that laughed out gay from Hojung’s mouth effect him or shake his state of pleasant contentment because he knows there is no one here that doesn’t accept him more. That’ll growl at the word and snide about it being a sickness or worth punishment.

Yet... he guesses he has always been a little sick and he tips the shot back.

If he could, he would never let this instant pass. Would let the numb of this simmering freedom drown him until the tide was coaxed into lowering only to reveal the vacant landscape beneath it. Forcing him back to face the reality of working hard and faking what his family wish so desperately for him to become. Be the son they have encased him within. That perfect idea they’ve patched together and how that never involved Taehyun, or the true self that’s trapped inside. Corroding away like the precious rocks lining that very coast.

So beautiful, yet so utterly worthless and he doesn’t want it.

Doesn’t want that pushed on life that has been laid out on a path paved in such a thick concrete and it’s quickly cementing around his ankles. Locking him in a deadening spot and it’s getting harder to keep moving forward, keep his echoing desires to himself. He wants his own friends, not the tight collared rich kids he’s guilted to call his friends and he wants Taehyun, not the list of beneficial corporate daughters his parents are composing with hopes to better their social hierarchy. To further it with welded ties and bonds of marriage constructed solely on a falsified lie.

None of it, he wants none of it and he’s beginning to not give two s about the consequences of the truth he is close to spewing. The truth he can’t fight off any longer and body itches to let devour him.    

It’s not like changing himself is much of an option at this point. He’s already too far in to give up and he’s not stubborn like his parents, he knows when to give in.

He cups Taehyun’s cheeks and giggles as that imperfect, perfect smile spreads wider. This is precisely what he wants, nothing more and nothing less. He moves Taehyun’s head from left to right and laughs at the brunette’s changing idiotic expressions. Each silly grin and exaggerated frown have him falling that much more in love and he wonders how deep this blackhole goes. How much further Taehyun will allow him to sink into this never-ending oblivion that has him only seeing him. Only ever craving his affection and attention and he thinks Taehyun is selfish for letting this happen.

“You’re drunk cloud.”

Drunk… he may be, but he needs this. Needs Taehyun like he always has and tonight, he doesn’t have to hide it. Doesn’t have to avoid the light touches that sneak past the guarded gates, or worry about how far they go because who here is going to tell? He can give in as much as his mind tells him to. Sate the erratic hunger and temporally fill its bottomless desire until they can meet like this again.

He scrunches his nose and playfully leans in only to peck at Taehyun’s own.

“And you’re just as drunk Tae.” He snickers, but Taehyun’s hands are coming to rest on his waist and before he knows it, he’s seated in Taehyun’s lap. Spread across his thighs and their eyes slowly meet, sparkling with something so heavily invested with such complicated emotions.

Desire, want, remorse, withdraw, confusion.

And that’s exactly what this is.

This relationship or whatever the heck it is… it’s becoming such a complicated, worrisome mess and a man can only take so much. Can only fool and pretend he doesn’t like it or avoid how much he wants it before he breaks at the brink of being pushed too far.

Taehyun’s right here and he’s in his lap and he doesn’t know what he’s waiting for, so he leans down.

Fingers threading into the hair at the base of Taehyun’s neck and he kisses him hard. It really has been too long, and he hopes god is watching so he can see just how happy he is when he’s wrapped up in this strong embrace. How happy kissing Taehyun until he’s breathless and panting for more, makes him. When the cold digits that find their way under his shirt have the world burning away around him and filling it with a love so intimate that it only intensifies with each light squeeze. Witness how his heart is beating so purely and watch as he slides his palm down to Taehyun’s very own, it’s beating just the same.  

 Isn’t this love valid enough for you?

This life is all kinds of ed up, or maybe he has just been raised to believe it as such and it’s a life he wishes could be simpler. He’s confused sometimes on if it’s the fact that he will never change, can’t change or if it’s the supposed sin behind it all that makes him scared. Scared of the punishment for his actions. Girls are what he should like, that’s what he’s been told over and over again. He wasn’t supposed to like Taehyun, Taehyun wasn’t supposed to like him back and that’s exactly how it should have been.

How it should have stayed.

Everything would have been so much easier if that were the case. If only he had fallen in love with that girl his parents were pushing for and not the cool music club president whose attractive demeanour effortlessly drew him in. Wildly infatuated him. If only he hadn’t helplessly kissed Taehyun in the rain two years ago on Taehyun’s graduation night when not even the thoughts of sin and broken faith could keep him from doing it. And he knew how bad he had it when their lips never parted and when he led Taehyun’s hands to his waist, because he could have been normal. Could have been exactly what his parents prayed for and not what they despised the most.

If he hadn’t made the first move and hadn’t given in, he would never have had to choose.

At least with those thoughts he could have never loved Taehyun as deeply as he does now and wouldn’t have to fear for when they’ll be broken apart with no hopes in ever seeing each other again. When they’ll be forced to say goodbye forever and that hurts more than never having allowed himself to feel any of it at all.

He could have lived such an easy life without love.

Now, it’s all a freakin blow because he doesn’t know if he can live without Taehyun and this glowing presence he’s come to obsessively long when the cold nights alone have him wishing for so much more. Insanely believing that if he simply gets up and leaves, he could have all that. Live the simplest of fantasies that plague his dreams with those unrealistic outcomes. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen once he comes clean and accepts that there is no life for him without Taehyun.

And that’s what truly scares him.  

What the repercussions this bittersweet love will hold is undeterminable and he wants to cherish every second he has before the worst hits. Before they come to drag him away and pretend like this never was a piece of him and that he ever had Taehyun this way.

So intimately and open to himself.

It’s here under this sheet of navy blue that’s dusted with faded specks of silvery stars that they can be free and like, even love each other. When the disapproval he knows his parents would hold and the rejection of his community, doesn’t matter. Doesn’t faze him, or pull his touch, or lips away from Taehyun’s skin. They can scrape away all the fake down to the very raw flesh or their beings. Be young and wild and not a soul can yell at them, or tell them what they are, or should have been. Because this isn’t their musical.

This is Taehyun’s and his very own tragic symphony and it’s left only to be played in the dark, for themselves alone.

A love that blooms in the changing lights of this midnight sun that they’ve made their very own and it has him wondering… Why has he been chasing the sun for so long when the moon shines just as bright and full of heat? When the only place they can ever be together is beneath its cratered orb, because when that mass of make belief is replaced by its scorching rightful king, they’ll have to revert back to reality and to their alter egos like a snap of a finger to a hypnotic trance.

Back to perfect grades, perfect friends, perfect son and that perfect life he never chose. Assimilate and become that puppet held solely on the strings threaded for him by his faith and parents’ correlation. Back to hearing Taehyun say how much he loves him over the phone and never being able to reciprocate those words because he’d never be able to live up to them. Sitting in the hushed darkness wishing his silent tears would dry before the older caught on. Before he realized how much of his time he spent, wasting it on someone who was so spinelessly afraid of the future and himself.

All this chaotic caring, all these looping thoughts of the same excuses… it’s beginning to seem so pointless.

He shifts his heavy eyes, staring into Taehyun’s gleaming and glossy ones. “Let’s run away.” And he’s completely serious, but the statement is forgotten in the connection of their starved lips.

Sungwoon feels Taehyun shift beside him and he doesn’t know if the other is getting up because it’s most likely noon, or if he’s feeling sick from the lethal amount of alcohol willingly consumed last night. Taehyun’s leaning away and the shallow gag and lengthy groan is the telling truth. And his Tae is undoubtedly feeling sick.

He sits up and stretches out his back, sleeping over a thin sheet on the ground is something one can only do so often. Yet, it’s wroth every dull ache and pinpointed bruise.

“Hey Tae, are you okay? Do need like Advil or something…. anything?” He laughs, rubbing circles into the other’s hunched back and laughs out louder when he gags harder.

“No! I’m okay I swear.” And Taehyun is pulling him back down so he greedily snuggles into the awaiting warmth without another joking word. Letting the cradling sensation fade everything out again.

“Hey.” Taehyun whispers into the shell of his ear and he turns around to face him. “Hey.” He whispers back, lips twitching into a soft smile.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” The brunette is already pulling himself up from the ground and extending an arm out.

He doesn’t say anything, just accepts the other’s waiting grasp.

“We’ll be back.” Taehyun waves to Junhyuk who’s trying to start the fire back up and he sends an okay sign their way.

They find a boulder that over looks the extending sea to sit on. The casted hues of pink and orange in the water mirroring the painted morning sky steals his thoughts, it’s earlier than he presumed. It’s a beautiful sight he thinks he could get lost in. A view he’d let fill his eyes and numb his mind.

“You know, I really like you right?” Taehyun mumbles, and he’s bringing Sungwoon’s hands up to his sullen pout.

“Tae not here, please.” And he watches as dry lips fall across his fingers, kisses that are working their way around like swarming mosquitos without the intent to bite. He wants to fight it, steal his wrists away and hide all the sensitive secrets he’s let Taehyun discover when he has felt the most vulnerable.

Pretend there were never secrets there to begin with.

“Everyone deserves love Sungwoon. I wanna know if you’ll let me in to love you.”

It sounds so easy. To just let Taehyun be there for him and protect him from what ever comes next, but what if?

What if they do get punished for this?

What if they can never be together again?

What if today is the last he gets to see Taehyun?

“Hey, why are you crying?” Taehyun’s patting gentle palms on his now wet face and whispers, “you always think too much.” 

And something about it frightens him. This building he’s built so securely around himself, its boards are cracking and roof caving.

He pulls away and sniffles. “Do you think we’re going to hell… Tae I don’t want to go there.”

There’s a brief second before Taehyun’s engulfing him in a strong hug.

“I don’t think we will. Why would something as beautiful as loving someone send us to hell?” and Sungwoon nods into Taehyun’s chest, gripping him tighter. The words he’s been internally chanting, sound entirely different coming from Taehyun’s mouth. For once they’re believable.

The decision he feels has always been made, that subconsciously he knew he was never going to turn away or give Taehyun up despite everything he told himself. Everything he tricked himself into believing. His eyes drift closed. The comforting rise and fall of Taehyun’s chest mixed with the lulling sound of the crashing waves, reassures him.

He doesn’t think, doesn’t want to even waste his time trying anymore.

“You know… I kinda like you too. Like a lot.”

And his confession. It ignites such a flowering excitement.

Everything’s going to be alright, he just knows it. Besides, he doesn’t care what happens now or where he goes beyond this point because to him loving Taehyun is worth the entire wonder. Worth so much more than those scary thoughts and banishing ideologies.

Today he doesn’t want to let go of Taehyun’s hand and he’s not going to.

“So… what’s next?” San asks.

“Well I know there’s nowhere I have to be.” Timo snickers, folding another blanket and placing it neatly in the backseat.

“So…?” Junhyuk looks around.

“So.” Hojung happily repeats and a bright, toothy grin is spreading across his face.

“I mean my jeep’s a start.” Junhyuk adds, shaking his keys.

“I only got like twenty bucks….” And the conversation flows endlessly.  

Sungwoon turns to face Taehyun with a smile full of purity and mischief and wonder and hope.

This is unquestionably it.

He can see the sun in Taehyun’s eyes, and it has never shown brighter, or burned so hot. And he’s all wrong, has been completely wrong since the very beginning. Looking at everything in all the improper ways. It’s not the day nor the night he’s been running after, but the very flush dusting Taehyun’s cheeks. It’s the smirk that’s nothing but daring and the sparking enthusiasm in a set of raised brows that top a stare that has become his to solely keep. His to own.

His surprising star, one that is far too unique to be called a sun and one he no longer wants to cloak behind the damning title of a moon.

They both were just that. Two little wishing stars in a foggy night sky and however the distance, if you looked hard enough… you could see them. Dancing in an endless pool of changing nightly hues.

There’s an unchanging glimmer of trust and love in those dark orbs. It’s addictively captivating, so breathlessly soothing and he can’t begin to look away. Doesn’t ever have to.

“I call shot gun.” Timo is yelling and the others are running off after him in a fit of chuckles as the rain begins to fall. But this rain isn’t cold, and it isn’t dark.

It’s warm and light and refreshing.

“Well Sungwoon, will you look for a better life with me?” There’s a breezy hum echoing after the question and if the answer hadn’t already been decided upon.

He says nothing as he takes Taehyun’s ruffled shirt into his clutches and pulls him in for a long kiss. There’s a place out there that will embrace this outlawed love of theirs and Junhyuk’s jeep is a fitting start.

It always had been.