Inspired by Wheein's Shine On You song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_BhnziJ9dg

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Then

What the hell????

You’re so stupid.

Why did you leave me like this? Couldn’t you have called me at least? I’m so mad at you and I can’t even reach you to yell at you. Who does this to their best friend?? Where’s your spine?

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

--

Now

Memories don’t do you justice. I think I’m starting to forget what you looked like. You could’ve at least let me keep my photos of you instead of deleting everything from our shared cloud drive.  

Stupid.

--

Later

Hey.

The other day, I was walking down Fifth Avenue and I thought I saw you coming out of a store. I dropped my bag and ran to you but when I tapped the person’s shoulder, it was a stranger. He looked mad. I don’t even know what I said. I think I cried for an hour after.

You know, I see you everywhere. Anytime someone’s wearing a baseball hat backwards with their hair sticking out, I think it’s you. Anytime someone’s holding a skateboard and wearing black skinny jeans, I can’t help but walk over and look into their face. But they’re not you. It’s like I’m perpetually stuck inside a nightmare that I know I’ll never wake up from.

It’s been so long. I’m not angry anymore. Just sad.

Is this how it’s going to be, forever?

I wish you could have trusted me. I thought we were best friends, but if you were so afraid of telling me about your feelings, then I must not have been a very good friend to you. I’m sorry about that.  

It’s like my day has become a sieve, so filled with holes that I stopped trying to block them. Have you tried to catch water with your hands? It’s impossible. Moments before which used to be effortless, like waiting in my room for you to come home or going to dinner, are just excruciating without you.

You were my sun. With you, I didn’t ever have to be afraid of anything. But you’re gone and everything’s dark.

I dream about you every night. It always starts out happy. We’re usually doing something like walking in the park or looking at the river. But something shifts and suddenly you’re running away from me. I try to follow but you’re too fast. And you know the worst part? I can tell when you’re going to turn away the moment before. I try everything to hold onto you, onto the Amber I love. I beg, I cry, I shout. But nothing works. I want to prolong the happy part of the dream.

If I could live within those twenty minutes for the rest of my life, I would. I do, actually. I wake up, go through my day, and try to fall asleep as quickly as I can just so I can see your smile. When I do, it’s like the weight of the world lifts off my shoulders and I can finally breathe. You usually touch my cheek before giving me a hug. I’m cold all the time, but in this dream you’re all the warmth I need.

I guess this is a long-winded way of saying you’re more than a friend to me, and you’ve been that way for the longest time. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize this, but really, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. I sound really privileged right now, and I was. You gave me all of you, unconditionally, all the time. I was so lucky to have you. You were my everything—my counselor, my life coach, my best friend. I didn’t need anyone else besides you. If I were marooned on a desert island, the only thing I’d bring is you. We’d build a village out of nothing and find a way to survive happily.

You gave me a home in a city so impersonal that I constantly felt lost. When you got up on stage that night, I really admired you. You have this magnetic ability of drawing people in. You’re so good at making everyone laugh and creating a fun atmosphere. Of course, you’d be the one to gather a group and organize a dinner within the first night of moving into the dorm. Without you, our dorm crew wouldn’t exist. There’s no way we would have hung out so much while playing games, going to karaoke, eating Korean barbecue, and exploring the city but for you bringing us together.  

Thank you for always protecting me, whether it was from fire alarms or thunder. Thank you for always taking an interest in what I’m doing, and for being down to hang out with me whenever. We can talk about a water bottle lying on a street or about politics—that’s how good you are at banter. Anyone can tell you’re intelligent. Every time you speak, I just want to sit and listen because I learn so much. Now, I find myself using your phrases, but it feels like an empty imitation of you.

Why did I give you so many cheek kisses? Deep down, I knew I was into you, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I thought if we got together and if we ever did break up, I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. Friendships and relationships are so different. I didn’t want any chance of ruining what was between us. I should’ve realized me burying my feelings was only pushing you away and making you unhappy. I should’ve been braver and given us a chance.

I regret that choice.

At the time, I didn’t know you liked me when you mentioned Kai. I thought you sincerely wanted me and him to get together. Who was I to turn down someone you thought was great? I thought if we did date, I’d be able to keep you as you were, someone who’s between a best friend and a lover.

How selfish of me.

I should have listened to my heart. Every time you cuddled me before bed, I always slept so soundly. I wanted you to stay the night, but I thought you’d think that would be crossing a line, so I didn’t. But slowly, I could feel myself falling for you. Your handsome face, your mischievous smile, the way you smelled like mahogany, everything about you was so attractive. Even your hands. They looked strong and sure, and I knew when I held them, I’d never be in danger.

I knew our time was running out. That’s why I asked you to kiss me in the club. It would’ve been the pinnacle of our time, in the one place we loved to dance. You seemed like you enjoyed the idea, but when push came to shove, you told me no. I was more embarrassed than hurt. I thought I read you correctly, but I felt so humiliated that I had to find some other release. Kissing that unfamiliar boy at the bar was nothing compared to what I felt for you. But I had to know how head over heels I was for you.

You left that night. I didn’t realize it then, when you said you felt tired and wanted to ride a cab back home. I wanted to go with you. I wanted to force you to listen to me and hear my side. But you told me to stay at the club and have fun. How could I have known you literally would get on a plane and leave the country two hours later?

Without notice, without a goodbye.

That’s what hurt me the most. But I get it. You probably thought a clean break would be best.

I’m going to sleep soon and that’s all I’ve been looking forward to since you left. I realized our dreams are reruns of the days we spent together. They were dates, unequivocally. They’ll never compare to the real thing, but at least I’m glad we went to so many places while we were together. Tonight, I’ll pay extra attention to your face. I’ll come and sit next to you. You’ll take my hand and I’m going to look at you until I can memorize you perfectly. I don’t want to wake up. Every time morning comes, the real nightmare begins.

It’s like you taught me how to live, and without you, I only exist.

I hope you’re still at the address listed on the return part of the envelope. Do you know how frustrating it is to have a one-sided conversation? But at the same time, I’d understand if you just want to put all of this behind you and move on.

I want you to know this though.

I love you, Amber. I’ve chosen you from the start. And I’ll choose you in every life after this.

Always,

Krystal