Dear Krystal,

How was your day? Did you have dinner yet? I hope you’re taking care of yourself across the ocean.

I thought there wouldn’t be a better time than now to write this. I’m abroad and you’re at home. There’ll be plenty of time for you to absorb this. Forgive me, my love, but I know what you’ll read next will hurt.

From the moment I laid my eyes on you, I knew I’d fall in love with you. We were at that party, and I was on the stage singing some stupid karaoke song. I started jumping around to get people to laugh. No one really paid any attention to me, but I saw you wave your arms at me and cheer me on. You were standing with the popular girls group—seriously, all of those girls looked so gorgeous. But would you believe me if I told you that I thought you looked the most beautiful? Something about your laughing eyes. They shone through the crowd like two stars and found me.

We didn’t become friends that night. I came over to say hello but there was a line of guys waiting to talk with you, so I left. Guys still kind of intimidate me, and I wasn’t trying to get into your pants or anything. Who knew the next day, we’d meet in the elevator? And you were the one to ask me for my number because you wanted to go to that restaurant downtown.

I never thought you’d text me first—usually I’m the one who reaches out to make friends. But you did, although you wanted to talk about some stupid guy who stood you up on a date. That night on the roof, that was the night I really wanted to become your friend. Remember when I hit my head on your bed? And you got me an ice pack and we sang love songs in the lounge with that weird girl who randomly showed up? I still have that video we took.

Did it freak you out when I asked to hold hands? Probably at the beginning, but you still did it anyways. And then it became habit, right? I’ll always remember that time you reached for my hand first. It was when the fire alarm went off and we had to evacuate the dorm in the middle of the night. On the staircase when everyone was running downstairs, you reached out and held my hand. Maybe you felt scared. I felt proud that you wanted me to protect you. And speaking of fire alarms, remember that other time you were hooking up with that college bro and the alarm went off again? I came to get you from your room because I promised and you ran out and jumped into my arms. It was so funny, the look on the dude’s face. He probably wondered why you were hugging me and not him.

That night when we were watching a movie and you kissed me on the cheek for the first time. I asked you to do it again, and to let me take a video. Later I paused the video on the kiss scene and screenshotted it. It was my background for a bit. You thought it was cute when I showed it to you. Thank God you didn’t find it creepy. I hadn’t ever kissed anyone who wasn’t my girlfriend before, but with you I could give plenty of cheek kisses.

Hand holding and kisses. Is that when the line began to blur for me?

I mentioned Kai to you in passing. It was fun to sell my friend to you. I didn’t actually believe it when you told me to stop or you’d start liking him. I don’t regret it, but I do think about what life would be like now had I never brought him up.

We grew closer and closer. You actually started falling asleep on top of me every time I came over to say good night. When I got back to the dorm after school, you’d always come out of your room and give me a big hug. I’ve never had anyone look at me with so much excitement before. I’ve never had someone who looked at me like I made their day.

But we both knew I would leave for grad school soon. And you asked me to introduce you to Kai because you said after I left, you’d have so many holes in your day and you needed a boyfriend to fill those up. I thought you two would make a cute couple, but I guess I never thought you two would actually get together.

Remember the last night we went out to party? You said you wanted to make out with me at the club. I was so excited and nervous. Would you think I was a good kisser? You had so much experience compared to me. But for some reason, I couldn’t do it. So you went and kissed that random guy at the bar while I watched. That ed me up. But it was my fault. I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I ran away.

And now I’m a thousand miles from you but wishing I was back cuddling with you in the city we both loved. This really is for the best though. I won’t be able to handle looking you in the eye anymore. I thought I could hide this crush away. I thought I could deny it and just live with you like how we had been. But the hand holding, the kisses, the cuddling, all of that isn’t normal. It’s couple stuff and I know you’ll never see me in that way, at least not enough to date me.

So that’s why I left. Because I know that all the love I gave to you wouldn’t be enough. I know I’m not what you want. And that’s not your fault. But love is selfish like that and it breaks me in half every time your face lights up when I mention Kai. And even if you don’t marry him, there’ll be someone else after him until you guys do end up together for life.

You know, though, I don’t regret liking you. I couldn’t ever regret it. You’re just such a special person. I keep thinking to myself that whoever you end up with will have a wonderful future with you. So, because I won’t have the chance to keep you company for the rest of your life, here are a few requirements for him, aside from being uglier than me of course. I hope that you’ll think that person is the funniest and kindest person ever. I hope they make you feel so secure. That person should want to, or at least be okay with, spending every single moment they can with you, whether alone or in a group setting. They should want to hold your hand in public to show you off to the world because you’re amazing. And because they don’t want to let go of your hand they should reach over and hold it under the table when you guys are at dinner with friends or something. That person should give you gifts and do things for you just to see you smile. They should text you that they love you in the middle of the day because they’re thinking about you. They should protect you and stand up for you when you need it and when you don’t, and not because they think you can’t take care of yourself but because any insult or hurt you experience they would also feel. They should never hesitate to cuddle you when you’re sick (although wearing a facemask is ok). But most importantly, the person you choose to share your life with better love your holey pajamas as much as your new y lingerie. Because if they don’t love you at your worst then they most certainly do not deserve you at your best. Don’t worry though. If they don’t like those ripped granny , well, you know I’ll love them.

Always.

I don’t know if I fell in love with you or if I just liked you very, very much. But I think something that’s cool is that I’ve literally seen you at your worst and best, and I couldn’t help, literally COULD NOT HELP, but love it all. So, if you ever feel insecure about yourself, remember that someone in the world thinks you’re perfect.

I hope that someday, you can find it in your heart to forgive me for leaving you like this. I’ll understand if you can’t though. I know I’m betraying our friendship and leaving you without your best friend. I’m not sure where I’ll go after this. I went abroad because there was a position for an English teacher here. Maybe I’ll defer grad school for a year and travel. Who knows? That’s the spice of life, right? We have the power to choose.

And perhaps in your next life, you’ll choose me.

Love,

Amber