It's not a sign of weakness
to ask for help.

/3/ You're not alone
[ Y E W O N ]

"Be brave. It's not the end. Please Live." 

That's the first thing I saw when I opened my social media account. As if the whole world is mocking me that I am weak and vulnerable. I puckered my lips and quickly close the tabs. Another facade of hope. Telling people false hopes because they need to feed their egos that at least they attempted to help the weak.

I heave a sigh and continue my chores. Living— why don't they understand? 

Whenever people tell me to please live, I don’t hear birds chirping beside my ears, nor the wind chimes on a morning breeze. I don’t see rainbows and ocean waves touching my feet— as if soaking my dirty shoes, and unmatched socks will tame my fears away and wake me up from this alluring darkness.

When people tell me to live, I see shadows keep pulling me in a basement, wanting me to just hide inside them. I hear whispers that shouldn’t be in my head, ‘cause they’re not those comforting ones. 

Living. I don’t know when this became hard to swallow. I don’t know how did myself learn to refuse all it’s counterpart beauties dangling from it. ‘Cause even trying to know things just makes me want to keep silent. It lessens the pain. It lessens the burden sinking deep down my soul. 

The sky's bright and the birds are chirping. People passing by my house seem to have a skip in their step today. I suddenly remember that there's a dance at my school today. Not that I would ever go to one, social interaction isn't my thing. Ignoring the passerby, I put on a grey hoodie and stuff my shoulder-length hair into it. I hope nothing bad happens today.

I slowly step out of my room, forgetting the memories of yesterday, like always, and casually walk out the door. My mother is always sleeping during this time and won't bother sending me off to school. Not that I mind, this is one of the few moments where I can get some peace.

My mother doesn't have enough money to pay for a bus since all her checks are used up to buy alcohol and so the only option I have is to walk to school every day.

I don't rush to get to school and slow down my steps in an attempt to prolong the delay to the cruel world waiting for me. A place where I would get punched, where I would get threats, and belittled by the people who don't know me.

Why I'm I still here? I don't want to be here.

The monochrome building stands in front of me, waiting for me to enter. Every day, I slowly sank into the hole that I'm currently buried in. Can I still get out?

I enter the school to be greeted by stares and snickers from my fellow school mates. I eventually learned to ignore them, fully knowing that there isn't use in fighting anymore. 

When the first bell rings, I get up from my uncomfortable cafeteria seat and head for my locker. It's the only place where no one could get in and where I'm sure that no one would invade my privacy. I get the necessary books that I need for my next period and start to get to class.

As I'm walking through the hallway, I noticed a familiar figure in my peripheral vision. The person that was at the bridge yesterday. She's here... the one who tried to save me from my suicide attempt even though I wasn't going to jump. Well, not just yet.

She's talking to someone, no, a girl who as I remember a block mate in my biology class. The tall girl is laughing at her jokes and I secretly envy them. 

I'm about to walk over to class again when I feel myself being pushed against the locker. Everyone suddenly stops talking to their friends and stare at me. It's always the same thing every day, everyone watches giving me hope that maybe someone will step in, but no one does.

Except one.

The tall blonde girl is still staring at us, watching what's going to happen. Her eyes narrow at Burma, but she remains in her place. Not wanting to have hope, I tune her out and focus on not having the punches hurt as much.

Burma loves messing around and making my life a living hell. Little did she know, my life was already hell before she came. She's on the taekwondo team along with her two friends behind her. She wickedly smiles at me and I knew from that very moment that these punches were going to hurt more. 

"Are you going to dance today?" She whispers in my ear and I shiver when her hot breath reached my neck. I try to push her away but her grip held strong.

Just face it, Yewon, no one is going to help so you should at least stop trying.

With my jaw locked I utter the words "No."

She pretends to be sad but in reality, I knew she was happy. Happy that the freak without a father wouldn't be there to ruin everyone's day.

"That's too bad. It would've been fun to mess with you there but since you aren't going, I'll just do it here."

Everyone stays silent, desperately trying to block out the noise that I would make when she punches my face and kicked my stomach.

Closing my eyes for the impact I don't notice that there isn't any so I open my eyes. The girl from yesterday has her hand around Burma and prevented her from making a punch. Slowly backing away, I watch as the tall girl pushes Burma and tells everyone to leave. The bell rings at the moment so everyone takes this as an opportunity to escape. Burma stays put before leaving. I'm surprised for a moment since she never leaves from possible fights but I'm grateful at the same time.

After everyone leaves, the girl walks up to me and offers me her hand. I'm too shocked to do anything, so I just stay on the floor. No one has helped me before so I don't know whether I should be grateful or annoyed that she could have possibly made things worse. 

I keep my mouth shut and she took that as a sign that I wouldn't stand up so she put her hand away. She gives me a small smile before she leaves and says, "You're not alone."

 -xx-

I'll update this little by little every week even though no one wants it ._. I hope things will be better from then on.

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