“promise me. promise me, promise me-”

 

dara’s soft words still echoed inside of chaerin’s conscience, 24/7.

 

but her pleas were stronger than ever, as the once-leader stood in the dark corridor of an apartment, the door shutting behind her with a resolute thunk. bags in hand, she gazed at the blinking keypad, waiting for some miracle to arrive that chaerin knew would never come again. 

 

i’m home, the woman weakly proclaimed to herself, knowing nothing was there to greet her from a long trip. it had been too long, and the apartment had been empty for years now. she was almost used to the vacant feeling of an apartment or hotel room for one- almost. 

 

“promise me you won’t forget us,-” 

soft laughter echoing from upstairs followed sandara’s worried quip, reaching for the leader’s manicured hand fretfully. it was chaerin’s going away party. it wasn’t much of a party, but the four girls gathered around their cluttered kitchen table one last time, to drink away their sorrows and reminisce. they were older, now. but a half- assed game of monopoly and a million empty soju bottles couldn’t repress the heavy feelings the girls sat on, a cheerful goodbye celebration turned pity party as soon as bom shuffled up the stairs with a tired and very drunk minji, dampening the mood. the leader watched on, knowing this was the last night they would all be together, in that apartment. but what she didn’t know- the mental breakdowns and heartaches this would cause. they had already suffered so much, was she ready for this next blow? it seemed as if the US was the safest choice. she couldn’t fight for her girls anymore, so she would fight for herself. this was just the last time. one last time they were all together, one last moment she could cherish- as it would be the very last time, and all chaerin could think about was her flight that was leaving the next morning. 

 

you selfish, coldhearted-

 

she could already hear dara’s voice again, countering her self- doubt, scolding her. “there’s no use in being bitter about it, chae.” right, but she hadn’t spoken to dara in what felt like months. chaerin hadn’t reached out to anyone in what felt like decades. chaerin wasn’t psychic, as much as she wished she were sometimes. things like this just, happen, don’t they? time is cruel. but if she were to call, would dara pick up? would she even care? the past few years had aged the girls, emotionally beyond recognition. dara had changed, so had she. maybe a simple happy birthday message really was all that was left of their relationship. 

 

but even while chaerin lied in bed oceans away, dara’s words would still keep her awake.

 

“promise you won’t forget me.” dara whispered softly, leaning over the table after hearing the upstairs doors click shut. 

“unnie, you know i would never-” 

“it’s not that, chaerin. just don’t… be so quick to move on.”

“move on? 2NE1, the girls…. you are my home.”

 

chaerin had promised dara the sun, moon and stars, and everything that hung them. the careful optimism simmering behind dara’s dark eyes made chaerin’s stomach flip, as she held her intense gaze. even drunk, dara knew her way into chaerin’s soul. there was always a place for her, a warm compartment in the leader’s cold heart, thawing it bit by bit. what chaerin would have given to feel her gaze again, dara’s fingers slowly combing through her soft hair, as they lay in bed those nights when neither of them could sleep. she had taken so much for granted.

 

when the news had broken, it brought chaerin to her knees. the woman who had left korea with a few suitcases and an entire fortune and fanbase behind her was left debilitated in her hotel room. the confident light that had shone through chaerin was shattered like a slugger taken to a glass mirror, beaten down mercilessly through months and months of work and complications that she felt she was back in her trainee days. it had hit her where it hurt, a direct bullseye. they had lost their maknae, their mingkki, and chaerin had to grieve from thousands of miles away.

 

“won’t you come home?”, dara’s eternally kind, yet tired voice reasoned with chaerin as she wiped her nose, staring herself down in the mirror, her reflection a silhouette she could barely even recognize anymore. “dara, i’m so close to finishing my projects, you know i’d come if i could.”

 

“i see. i know you’re busy, rinnie.” rinnie. dara’s last effort, reaching for chaerin across an icy sea of loss and separation. chaerin knew dara wouldn’t push, and for once in her life she was glad. everything in chaerin’s heart wanted to rush to seoul, and fall into her unnie’s arms, crying. but dara was now speaking to CL, the woman made of iron that would fight until her beating heart was ripped from her. what would i look like to the girls, if i broke down? our fans? if their leader couldn’t hold herself together, how would we hold 2NE1 together? 

 

how will i hold myself together?

 

she put the phone down with deliberation and control, but the coldness in dara’s goodbye made chaerin’s hands tremble. her heart cried out for her bandmate, hold me together, hold us together, please- but it was chaerin’s, CL’s job to do that. she was their fearless leader, the baddest female. she cursed herself up and down, crucified by the title she once proudly carried. 

 

brave face, chaerin.

 

she worked like a dog, ignoring calls from anyone who wasn’t her company, or her managers. she hid from social media, she hid from anything that could distract her from her own distractions. denial, burning hope as she told herself that it was just a rough patch and her future was still intact, 2NE1’s flame still flickered in the distance of her goals. fear and sheer determination fueled chaerin’s nightmarish days of lyric writing, spiraling further and further as she lost touch with where she was, buried under coffee cups and broken feelings. 

 

how will i go on without you? 

 

she buried her head in her hands, her eyes on fire from lack of sleep and restlessness. she was their broken leader, a fraud. the days of full stadiums were gone, the roar of the crowds and endless nights under burning stage lights, they would sweat until they dropped. she would have no voice left, commanding the audience with such a presence- CL was unmatched, the steel lion that growled at any threat, guarding her throne. but the emptiness she felt without her girls, the energy that kept CL alive- was she even working for her anymore? or desperately working for a distraction, that would keep the fate of her livelihood at bay, knowing there wasn’t much time left. was it minji?.... or was it dara? feelings she had discarded for years, resurfacing, churning in the pit of her stomach as her teeth sunk into her hand, stifling the sobs that had taken eons to finally be released. the hard shell that was CL had finally cracked open, letting the melted puddle of chaerin spill onto the floor, screaming for the help she had needed since she lay in bed her first night alone in the us. 

 

god, tear me apart, please. please, i’ll give you anything to protect them, my life is in your hands. bring her back, bring them all back-

 

she wanted to hold them all in her palm, in her embrace. protect them from the storm that had ravaged their lives, carry them to higher ground and weather the floods in safety, when she had let them into the jungle to fend for themselves, in hopes of finding a better tomorrow than their today.

but it was all too late. 2NE1 was no more. chaerin should have known they were no more the day she left for the US, the day all 4 of them split from the apartment. they were played the devil’s hand, their futures gambled away. cards were supposed to be their luck, right? 21 cards in one hand, and their dominating blackjack game had finally ended, taking no fortune. their luck had run out, and the bright lights of the casino were blinding, overwhelming as the roulette tables began to spin and spin, but there was no jackpot and chaerin was feeling sick. 

 

“you promised me you’d take a break,” 

 

dara’s voice echoed once again, from the last phone call they shared. chaerin could never detect if it was sadness, or bitterness in the woman’s voice as they hung up. chaerin spent many nights retracing that phone call, wondering what would have happened if she did just go home. she set her bags down onto the wood floor, and slowly reached to flip the lights on. an empty living room, and an empty kitchen. she had almost expected the three to be sitting around the table, eating and joking like..usual. in a perfect world, chaerin was 20 again, coming home late from practice and dinner was already on the table, the tv was on and it was warm, inviting. they were waiting for her. they had always waited for her, even when they needed her the most. “where would we be without our fearless leader?” it was always said with a smile, and laughter, because she was always there. they lifted each other up. 

 

where am i now, without you?

 

where was she without her girls? her family. dara.

 

 

i’m home now, where are you? i finally took a break.

 

abandoning her bags for a view of their vacant living room, chaerin stood still, listening for the sounds of the train, and the city below her, which would never lull her and dara to sleep again. 

 

i’ve come back home, now. will you ever forgive me?