Sky Hears Me And That Moon Knows

Darkness was installed outside, crickets and katydids are slowly making their noises. The temperature was not bad, not too cold or too hot. There were no clouds up in the sky, it was a full view of the few visible stars and a moon glowing his light. His fingers were tapping on the screen of the cellphone, looking through messages on his chats and looking who left a voicemail. Seungri was waiting in the corner of an office, in the military building where he was waiting for his Officers to check-in his presence and for a soldier to comeback from his duty to replace him. He was on night guard time tonight. He was allowed to use his cellphone while waiting. He clicked on few chats and saw his friends exchanging jokes and memes, and Seungri laughed at them. His fellow DJs talking about funny moments during their DJ tour. He got a few personal messages from friends. DJ Glory wishing him good day and that he will make time to visit him as much possible. His sister apologizing because she went through again his wardrobe. Seungri didn’t mind it. He was not using them and most of his clothing pieces are too small now on him since he gained weight last year. They fit Hanna perfectly. He could even ask her to take whatever she wants in his closet permanently. Some of his clothes are bringing memories because many of them are from the stylist of Bigbang or gifts from brands investing in YGE. Clothes that was not intentionally for him. It’s not a surprise if the members are exchanging their clothes with each other over the years. Two big closets full of clothes…and most of it have been barely worn. He was too simple at home, the same joggings pants and T-Shirts, on business it’s his favorites suits and on outing with friends, jeans and jackets. He was not the flashy type, have a physic to be a runway model or a trending fashionista that needs clothes every minute like Jiyong. He realized it is stupid to keep so many fabrics and having two rooms for it. Seungri promised himself to clean those closets and give away what was useless. Returning some to the stylist, letting his family choose some pieces and donating the rest. Just keeping the essential and what he likes and feel comfortable in. Reducing materialistic life was on his to do list. Not because he have lots of money, he should always spend it for bling bling flashy stuff to flex to his friends and fans. Maybe because he’s entering his 30s and he feel less interested on spending on his looks.

Seungri opened his voicemail and listened to the first message.

‘’Yah…it’s me. How’s work in your unit? Are you eating? Is your case in order with the MMA? I’m pretty busy lately. I’m hanging at the studio with the juniors. Good stuff is happening soon for them. Sorry, I don’t think I can visit you soon. I will do my best amid my works…Seunghyun-ah…you okay huh?...call me when you are able, hm?... ‘’

Seungri deleted his message from Jiyong. He looked at his phone, not particularly interested on something. He just fixed it. A part of him wanted to leave him a text message and another part of him wanted to leave Jiyong alone, to not bother him. Even if Jiyong is his dear brother and wished to tell him his journey, at the same time, Seungri felt he shouldn’t because knowing Jiyong is working on new stuff made him remember he won’t be part of it…at all. It’s something that breaks his heart. He left YGE but all his recordings with Bigbang or out of the group will never be used. And he knows on the list of songs they recorded over the years, it will be modified, and his part might disappear. It is hard to accept it. And it’s something he doesn’t want Jiyong to know. How he really feels about Bigbang being four now. Even if he decided to retire to save the group and the agency on his own…he do feel he was abandoned. That he’s now really useless to a group he was part of.

Seungri put away his phone in a cubby for him. He decided to keep his distance with Jiyong and the others too. He had made them suffer enough with his embarrassment. Seungri is trying to say to himself, that they are not bothered by what happened, but his heart and his mind is telling they are feeling frustration, are angry and disappointed in him. Because it’s not the first time he drags s with scandals…and every time it happens, Seungri feels more ashamed of himself even if those supposed scandals are exaggerated or far from the truth. The members did express their feelings about those to him and still telling him, they love him. Now after fourteen years. Seungri was less sure if they really told the truth to him on their real deep feelings. He was fine with whatever critics, positive or negative because it was honest. And he could feel they trust him. Seungri sighed and looked through the opened door. He finally heard footsteps and a soldier entered. Seungri adjusted his beret, signed the paper signaling the beginning of his shift and salute the officers before leaving the building. He begun his walk toward the brick walls that surround the entire base. At least, there was music playing in the speakers to keep guards awake. It was a random music station and tonight it was foreign songs. English ones. He was kinda glad it was not Korean. He didn’t wanted to hear Bigbang. It was now too heavy on his heart to listen to their voices and his voice too.

Seungri finally reached the path he will walk along the wall. He saluted the stand-up guard at the entry of the gravel way. He begun slowly his walk, entering the darkness, slowly making his eyes used to the lack of lights. Seeing in the distance, exercises fields and warehouses with military vehicles. Passing few bushes but no trees. Nothing special to enjoy. The view was pretty boring and military. And at some parts, there was old buildings and fences. It was looking like a prison. Just thinking about prison, he shivered. Never in his life he thought he will be close to go to one. Even if his charges was nothing major, deep down, he fear. And he hated to feel that fear. His heart clenching every time he meets a Police Officer or put feet in the office of the Prosecution. Seungri took a big breath and exhale when he sensed his eyes getting watery. Thinking about all these interrogations he went through, all these visits to the Police office, siting for hours in a tiny gray interrogating room with his lawyer, Seungri let out a shaky breath. Papers in front of him, tons of questions thrown at him, waiting for him to remember in the last 4 years and answers precisely which was hard since these years was hectic and busy. The only thing he knew, it’s there was a lot of misunderstandings or unintentional acts and it was hard to explain it to them when you have nothing to convince. Only his words. He wished he was able to remember everything and had made things easier, but the case got bigger by time and he ended up facing pre-trial arrest warrant at that. Seungri stopped his feet. His hands were trembling and the only thing he could do, was to play with the hem of his military jacket with his thumb, a nervous tic he have when he’s having a hard time dealing with all the anxiety, the pressure, the stress. A gesture he tries to hide secretly from others. He doesn’t want to show this ugly part of him, to show he have a weakness. He’s known to be strong after all. He have to keep his head high up to that quality/default. But it’s hard to keep his head high when you are sitting in a cell of a police station, trusting your life in the hands of a judge and lawyer. When you have no idea what’s happening or said in the Prosecution office. Seungri had ended waiting for hours, overthinking, stressing, having doubts even if he trusted his lawyer and himself about the case but the cell where he was standing was a reality. Not a movie shot. Seungri ended up crying in the corner. How the reality was hitting him. He felt alone, he felt disgusted in himself, he felt guilty of the situation he was in, he felt like he was nothing in the end. Forgetting his career, his businesses, his family and friends. That he was worth nothing after all. The tears have stopped at some point and he became numb. Not moving, letting minutes passed in silence. He is not even sure if he fell asleep at some point. His mind was too lost in thoughts he shouldn’t have. And all these thoughts will stay forever secret. No one should know about it. They would be probably surprised by it, and maybe disappointed. Disgusted? It was also a possibility. When his father appeared to take him home, he felt relieved and like . Looking at his father, remembering his childhood where his father struggled with problems. Seungri can relate to him. He feels so proud and respectful to the hardship his parents went through. But deep in his heart, he feels ashamed to let his father see his son like this. His parents didn’t need to go through this too. They had suffered enough. And Seungri knew, he will forever feel guilty about this. He had hugged tightly his dad, forever feeling sorry. That night, at his parents’ home. He curled up in the bed, straining his face of silent tears while he was screaming inside ‘’It’s a different type of pain when you hurt in silence. ‘’. In the morning, he went to pay respect to his senseis at the dojo. But he went for advices too. On his knees, on the mat, listening to his senseis. He was believing that someday, his heart, his mind will find some peace and maybe forgiveness. He knew he will never be the same after all that. Too many scars have been added on his heart, and some pieces have fell and became dust. These pieces of his heart were the trust he had for some people. How can he trust someone so easily now? Seungri still believe in the goodness of humanity, but he just put an invisible barrier when he meet new people. He knew that he will meet new faces and personalities in the army. And he was not the anti-social type either. He shakes hands, he smile at them, he’s playful and chitchat with them with mind wide open. It’s just inside his head, he will observe, have doubts on their gestures towards him, or words. And try to keep a safe distance. Seungri knew his approach to people will be different from now on. He can’t be the same. He have been hurt by close people over the years and with all happened, he could mistrust anybody. He felt he have been played by too many already. ‘’I don’t want to get attached with anyone anymore, it just destroys me in the end. ‘’ He still can’t believe he still can be naive at 30 years old. What can he do more about it? Wounded become wiser. But he still too good at heart, that an incident will probably occur again someday.

He ended up being restrained twice. Being in detention two freaking time. Because of his naivety because he didn’t look through enough. The second arrest-warrant was what created this fear to never return to society normally. He was not in a police station, he was in the detention centre. What was really looking more like a prison. At that thought, Seungri dropped to his knees, his whole body shaking like a leaf, the tears prickling at his eyes, ready to fall. He had to smack his hand on his mouth to control the sob that wanted to get out. This was not the time for an attack. ‘’Control yourself Seunghyun, breathe, everything is okay, you are safe here, you have friends, breathe Seunghyun. It’s gonna be alright’’ Seungri fisted his two hands and make a friction on his thighs up and down. Trying to make those ants crawling his blood go away. ‘’Get up Seunghyun, pull yourself, you have duty’’ Seungri breathed one big puff of air and let it all out, closed his eyes for a few seconds before standing up. He put slowly one foot at a time, shakily, but he begun walking again on his path. He hated to be like this, to lose control. He hated those moments of anxiety and he’s always scared someone will notice them. Seungri feel himself lucky no one ever saw these attacks. He would feel ashamed of himself. Because that does not resemble him. He really have to be careful to not let his emotions go like this in the army. That was not the place for it. He just don’t like to reminisce his detention time. Those eyes on him, the sound of officers talking in the distance, the noises coming from other cells, the smell of his own cell and the heavy air. So strange, so unfamiliar, and uncomfortable. A place you don’t want to be because you have the real taste of the real jail you could end up if your case hearing failed. Getting out of there just a few hours later was the best relief ever. Seungri have walked next to the guard in the darkness till the gate and it felt like a long walk and at the same not. Those ants crawling under his skin was still present and he felt he could finally breathe the moment he seated himself in the van, even with all the flashes of camera around the car. He sighed and let out a long grunt when the car was leaving. Millions of questions in his head and just one always coming back. Why. Why me. Why. He went home numb. He sit down on the edge of his bed, no lights on, looking at himself in the mirror, observing his own face, his traits. The only thing he could say was ‘’I am already giving my all here, it’s okay to make mistakes, to stumble, to break down in your lifetime. We are all struggling, and no one has it all figured out yet. So don’t worry about it. For every fall, just keep getting up. Don’t be discouraged because this chapter of your life where everything seems to not add up, will eventually unfold beautifully for you.’’ And Seungri have to make sure to remember those words every time he falls. ‘’It’s only temporary Seunghyun. You didn’t go through all that for nothing.’’

But too many times. His thoughts can be contradicting. Its like his head and his heart doesn’t want to be on the same page. One is emotional and the other one is reasoning. And he wished both would stop overthinking every little thing, because the rest of his body have a hard time taking it all. Too many times he felt out of breath. A heavy pang on his chest. And he was scared about his health. And ending up coping on something. For Seungri it was food. Eating when he is stressing and eating when he is comfortable. Forgetting about the scale in his bathroom and letting himself go carelessly. It was a bad habit. It’s dangerous. Seungri is glad he went to military to try to take control back of his weight. He needs to maintain a healthy body, but he have to maintain an healthy mind also. That is why he is enjoying those quiet nights of guard duty. He can think. He can learn. He can process his thoughts. An intro observation of himself. Analysing. It could look bad doing it alone but how can you keep going in life if you cannot introspect yourself time to time. It’s his own body, his own personality. No one have the right to change him without permission. He will do it by himself if correction/amelioration is needed. Seungri scratches the skin down his throat and give two bumps on his chest, near his heart. Like he was trying to digest. Trying to gulp down that stressed lump in his throat. He wasn’t proud of himself to lead his body through these little symptoms of stress or anxiety. It was completely unhealthy. But he asks himself if he will ever heal, if those symptoms will disappear completely. He was not sure. He still have hearings to go through, maybe future appeals and going back again to normal society. He was afraid of it. He doesn’t like to admit it but he was lost. Not sure which path he will choose. A part of him want his career back, another part wants a peaceful ordinary life. He loves to be on stage, hype a crowd and giving his all. Music is so important for him. It’s a passion, an expression and a therapy. But was he really talented…that was his problem. Seungri sighed. He looked at the sky, observing the stars that he can’t enjoy the view and glow in Seoul. His hands found their place in the pocket of his army camo pants. His foots making little noises as possible in the grass/gravel path. The sky was so dark but so clear by the moon and all these stars shining. A little smile on the corner of his lips appeared. And he thought that maybe he was not shining anymore. That was really the end. His reputation was ruined after all. In all honesty, it’s not like he never thought about retiring before. He questioned himself many times about his talent. Confidence is silent, insecurities are loud. And that’s what happened over the years. His self-esteem crumbling every time he looked at his Hyungs. 13 years walking with them on that Bigbang road. But why does it feel their walk together was uneven. 5 silhouettes on a road, 5 shadows walking and Seungri feel his shadow is slowly behind at every comebacks. And at the last one, when they released the last 3 songs for MADE, the shadows of his Hyungs were more in the front while he was barely catching them. The gap grew wider. And his retirement was where he stopped walking. Looking at them still walking while he is left behind alone. Even if he makes a comeback to the industry. Will he even succeed to catch them up after all this lost time? The back of his Hyungs look so broad by all the incredible talent they have. So unattainable. No wonder they can succeed as four, they can achieve greatly without him. ‘’I don’t even want to try anymore because I feel unwanted and annoying, that’s all I will ever be. ‘’ He was unimportant. Rectification, he was not THAT important in Bigbang. He was just the Maknae, an embarrassing clown on stage, the of all jokes. He was just there to make the other four shine more and brightly. A stooge. He know he shouldn’t think like this, that the members would scold him saying things like that but that’s how he felt way too many times in his career. That every time Jiyong is composing, he have to think to find a place for him that would fit. Seungri usually end up being the voice accompanying the others, to give a powerful push to them. He felt like an encumbrance. A troublesome encumbrance. On too many points. On stage being loud, saying unfunny joke, on personal matters with his scandals. Maybe everyone was right. He was a weak link. His stage presence is not that fantastic, no charisma or swag. His voice was the weakest among them, can’t hit multiple notes. His dancing skill have decreased, he was no more flexible. He was no lyrics genius either. When Seungri look up to Jiyong or Seunghyun, they are beasts on stage. When he look up to Youngbae or Daesung, they are vocal prodigies. Seungri was neither on those categories. He was just Seungri. The guy accompanying them. But he was the guy uniting them. Making them motivated to keep on. To hold their hands in adversity and giving his warmth in hardships. ‘’So why do I feel cold now?’’ They are all in their 30s now. Grown up. The other members don’t really need him anymore for these, while on tour. They will be fine as 4. It will hurt not hearing his voice on tracks and not be part of any new songs. What can he do? He left. He don’t have a say anymore on Bigbang’s future. He left them to save them. He made the ultimate sacrifice to make sure they can shine again for years. It was a heartbreaking decision, that was not welcome in unanimity. But he begged in tears. And his wish was granted. He had to distance himself to save himself after all. He couldn’t drag an agency and his group more further into his legal matters. It’s not a final retirement, but it could be too. It is uncertain. No definitive yes or no on Jiyong’s questions. Just maybe and no promise. No guarantee. Music is an expression, it could help voicing what’s inside, Seungri just doubt his voice. Just holding a micro now, he is nervous and feels he have no right to hold one anymore. How can he face a public with all this mess. How can he smile to them like nothing happened. He can’t pretend. His friends like to call him a phoenix. Someone that will reborn from his ashes. Seungri do find it cute from them, to give him hope, to give him a push. Would be worth it to take that risk. To stand up on a stage. His heart is screaming yes, but his mind is telling no. Seungri is still surprised how his heart want to continue while having all these scars, these wounds that most of them will never heal. ‘’Strong Baby ‘’ He know he got this nickname because of his strong mentality and overconfidence that can face many situations with heads on. ‘’Not because I carry it well, it means it ain’t heavy ‘’ Seungri is admitting it. It’s now heavy and he feel exhausted. How much more can he take? And he still young. His life is not done.

Seungri lifted his head, closed his eyes and let out a long breath from his mouth. He looked up again at the night sky, hands in his pockets. His steps echoing into the silent path. There’s one thing Seungri do want to know, definitely. What is his home. Do he have a home he wants to return to. And the image that comes to his mind, are the smiles of his best friends, the smiling gaze of his hyungs and the chant of the VIPs in an ocean of yellow lightsticks. A stage. A place where he dreamed for when he was a kid, where he finally stood on as a teen and have stepped on with different performances as an adult. He shed sweat, blood, and tears to make sure to stand on one. He doesn’t know how to describe it, but every time his foot touches the black flooring and the lights opens on him, he can feel an energy, a rumble parkouring every flesh of his body. And he craves that feeling like a drug. That’s where he loves to be the most. Is he going to say forever goodbye to the stage. Time will tell. Maybe it’s not the stage that is truly his place. But a crowd looking at him. When he is DJing or participating in a competition of Jiu-Jitsu. Entertaining people is definitely his path, his passion. Seungri just want all these legal problems to be done and to know what home to come back to. A place where he won’t feel lonely. A place where he is needed. Where he is completely comfortable. A place where he can be himself. No persona. No script. No editing. The true Lee Seunghyun. A life of his own. Have the control of. It’s simple but no easy. If he succeeded for 14 years to be ‘’Seungri’’, he can succeed to be himself for the rest of his life. He have the patient for it even if he’s short tempered. Especially on injustice. ‘’I pray I heal from things no one ever apologized for. ‘’

When it comes to apology. He doesn’t expect ones from Media or Netizens. Instead of apologies, they will crawl back at him with questions, new allegations, new rumors. He expect these hungry tigers to come at his future discharge, handing him mics and waiting for Seungri to say something. ‘’Silence is the best answer for someone who doesn’t value your words.’’ His friends have told him, his lawyer told him. Silence is gold. Will he really stay silent while cameras will focus on him? Seungri don’t know. It’s too soon. The only thing he knows is he won’t like those Media on him, while he will stand completely alone. He hates being alone. What is worse is standing with people that makes you feel alone. It’s the worst type of loneliness. He encounters enough people that made him feel this loneliness. Is it that hard to be really loved. Is it that hard to accept he is human like everyone else. It’s a world full of unique people and different personalities. Is it that difficult to accept divergence without negativity. ‘’ I just wanted to make people happy because that’s what makes me happy. ‘’ That’s it. Why does it look like a sin. ‘’Why do I have to feel bad about it.’’

Seungri let out a grunt and stopped thinking more about this. He replaced his thoughts with lyrics and whistled a tone. Before he walked into the dark path, he could hear a song from the speaker. It was an old song from Coldplay. He knew that song. The Scientist. It’s with that he decides to recite the few lyrics he can remember correctly and adding whistling for the part he doesn’t remember.

‘’Tell me you love me

Come back and haunt me

Oh, and I rush to the start

Running in circles, chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy

It’s such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start. ‘’

Seungri returned to the office to sign in. He was finally done with his night duty. He couldn’t wait to lie down in his tiny bed and finally found sleep. He was mentally and physically tired. But the night air did feel good. He took his stuff in the cubby, picking up his cellphone and look at it one last time before turning it off for restriction. Jiyong left a text, probably on a white night drinking and doing graffities in his studio. Seungri sighed and decided it was better to at least respond to it before Jiyong spam him with hundred of messages because Seungri ignored him. Jiyong and his temper…Seungri left just a short reply. Something simple that doesn’t say much. Something that says he’s okay. Seungri saw a text from his Sensei in Japan. Hamajima was sending him screenshots from his Instagram. Many comments of support and love for Seungri. His lips trembled looking at them, eyes again ready to cry. There was still indeed some love for him. Strangers that support and believe him. Fans ready to forgive and forget this whole dark chapter to begin a new one. Seungri typed a message.

‘’Thank you Sensei,

I am doing very very very well.’’

Seungri smiled and send the text. He closed his phone and finally headed to his dorm.

‘’I can’t promise anything but I will give back love to the ones who deserves it’’

                                                                                                                                                *****

For Seungri,

You deserve those wings, don’t fly back to what broke you.      

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